E.M. Bosso's Blog

Life after Covid-19 is something we will all have to deal with. Like the aftermath of 9-11, the Great Recession, or the Great Depression the world is going to be different. What we make of that world, what we do with this opportunity, is entirely up to us.

Right now, if you are following the Stay-At-Home guidelines, you are probably sitting around feeling stressed, scared, worried about friends and family, finances, and wondering what new apocalyptic event is going to come across your newsfeed in the next five minutes.

Before I pull out my inner Cherisse (if you���ve read my SMAFU novels you know what I���m saying, if not then go buy my books and enjoy CLICK HERE!) let me put some of this into perspective:

Covid-19 is serious but the world isn���t ending

Covid-19 is a highly contagious virus that is particularly fatal to the elderly and people with compromised immune systems. That does not mean young, or otherwise healthy, individuals are immune. That does not mean that young people shouldn���t worry about Covid-19 as contracting the virus means you can spread the virus to a more vulnerable populace. The following link provides a relatively good breakdown of who is getting Covid-19 by age:

Young People Get Sick Too



The world���s economy is taking a hit but the world isn���t ending

When I���m not writing SMAFU or FBoM novels, I���m a Financial Advisor. I���ve been doing it for a long time and I���ve watched the world���s financial markets melt down in three, or is it four, events. In each world ending financial crisis the news has screamed the words ���collapse���, and the government has thrown money on the table like a drunk virgin in a strip club. Each time the markets have recovered and gone on to make new highs. Stores have continued to sell and consumers have continued to buy. Banks have shut down and new ones have opened to take their place. The world kept spinning and people kept eating. This time isn���t any different. The economy will recover and this will become a footnote in a history book to look back upon when the next economic crisis hits. If things are tough for you, if finances are tight, I am truly sorry but you will get through this. Tomorrow will come and life will go on. This is a blip in your life and you���ll make it through.

Neither money nor bullets can stop a virus, but you can

Right now a big part of the fear in the air, and coming from government officials, is sub-conscious. Let���s face it, men like enemies we can see, shoot, hit, or buy-off. A virus is none of those things and that���s what makes it ���scary���. A virus isn���t afraid of bullets or bombs, can���t be intimidated by massive defense budgets, and it certainly doesn���t give a rat���s ass about foreign aid. Many of the responses to this virus, from every walk of government as well as individuals, stems from a basic fear of not knowing what to do. But you know what? If we listen to professionals that are trained in virology and disease containment instead of politicians and news organizations trying to increase their viewership numbers, we do know what to do. Wash your hands, practice social distancing, and isolate yourself if you get sick. Here are the guidelines from the Center for Disease control. Once you remove the fear with real information your life will get better, I promise:

Guidelines From The CDC



Now let���s talk about the future because the world is not ending

This is a unique opportunity that could draw the world closer as a civilization. After all we are all in this together. I wish we could count on our respective governments to unite, support each other, put away their guns, bombs, embargos, hate, and financial self-interest but we all know that���s unlikely. For many of us, however, living in democratic societies, there���s a dirty little secret that our governments really want us to forget. WE ARE THE GOVERNMENT. Politicians work for us. Our health, commerce, military, and other important government infrastructures exist to protect and otherwise carry out the will of their people.

As citizens of our respective nations, we are culpable in every bombing, military action, and war our politicians involve our military in. So too are we culpable for not insisting upon peace, cooperation, and shared purpose for a better world.

We, today, through social media have a rare opportunity to insist on the aforementioned better world. We have a rare opportunity to tell our respective governments that we are tired of fighting and we want peace, prosperity, and equality not only for ourselves but for the entire world. Take this moment in history when we are all fighting an invisible enemy that doesn���t care about political ideology, religious ideology, or military strength, to work together and learn to appreciate our differences and respect our ways of life. Let���s use this moment to create a world where caring for someone in Africa is just as important as caring for someone in New York or London.

We have the power to do it, after all we are the Government.

(Jumping off my soapbox)

As Promised, what would Cherisse do?

Some of the readers of my SMAFU novels have used the term WWCD (What Would Cherisse Do) as a fun play on the What Would Jesus Do craze that went on a few years ago. I find it humorous but you know what? It���s a good question in this situation. The character is a ninety-year-old woman that has seen a lot, done a lot, and never fails to find opportunities to share her wisdom to help improve the lives of those she decides to love. What would she do in the face of a pandemic? She���d live her life of course. She���s ninety darlings, there was never a guarantee of tomorrow.

She���d follow all of the social distancing guidelines (even if that meant having to communicate with her boyfriends via text) and find ways stay involved with the people she loved even if it required getting a bullhorn and yelling across the street to check in on her neighbors.

She���d make tea, eat cookies, crochet doilies, and make sure her friends and neighbors remembered that this stress would pass but the words that were said to one another, the anger that might leak out due to frustration and tension, would remain unless steps were taken to repair the damage which occurred. Reminders to think before opening one���s mouth, understanding the fears your partner might have and not even know, and suggestions to step back and try and appreciate that we are all doing the best that we can during this rough time, would find their way into emails and facebook posts (if Cherisse ever gets around to getting a facebook page of course).

Cherisse would probably even start a newsletter reminding her friends that in this moment you have a choice to use this experience to become closer, stronger, and more loving towards one another and remember what brought you together as a family. She may even suggest breaking out all of those old photographs you���ve stored in your attic and taking the opportunity to organize them while taking a walk down memory lane.

As for social distancing between partners, well this is Cherisse after all. If neither of you are sick, haven���t been exposed to the virus, and aren���t avoiding each other 24/7 than put the kids to bed early, pour yourselves some wine, snuggle up and make love like there���s no tomorrow.

Cherisse doesn���t really exist, at least I will never disclose her true origin, but as her creator I���ll share a belief I have: You never know when you���ll catch a meteor. What do I mean by that?�� I mean the world is a weird, and dangerous place. Car accidents, slipping in the shower, house fires, bad people, disease, and yes random meteors hitting you in the head can all happen out of the blue with no warning.�� What is the last remembrance you would like your loved one to have of you? Do you want them to remember you screaming at them, arguing with them, insulting them in some way or do you want them to remember your arms around them, holding them tight and making them feel loved? I know how I want to be remembered. How about you?

 

 

Excerpt from SMAFU

SMAFU – SoulMates (A Cherisse Novel)

5 Things That Will Change Your Life and Living the Life You Deserve

Escape the Financial Stranglehold of A Narcissist or An Addict Partner

The post After Covid-19 appeared first on EM Bosso.

Oxytocin: What Women Need to Know About Connection

In the first two articles How to Bring Back that In-Love Feeling (Part 1 of 3) and How to Bring Back that (In-) Love Feeling (Part 2 of 3)�� I talked about basic oxytocin boosters and how to up your oxytocin connection game through conversation. Now���.. we get to the good (for guys AND gals) stuff���

Have Sex

As my lovely character Cherisse, from my SMAFU novels pointed out to Mary, enjoying sex isn���t a bad thing and can even be viewed as a reward to give yourself. After dealing all day with kids, coworkers, dirty dishes, bills, a car that needs fixed, a lawn that needs mowed, in-laws, parents, siblings, school officials, sporting events, a dog that peed on your carpet, and a cat that yakked a hairball on your comforter��� the last thing on your mind is having sex. Odds are, you just want a glass of wine and an hour in front of the TV with no problems greater than who���s going through to the next round on American Idol. I don���t blame you; I���ve been there. WE���VE ALL BEEN THERE.

You know what will make you feel like you aren���t taking on the world by yourself? Oxytocin. You know what will make you feel better about life? Oxytocin and dopamine. Do you know where to get a dose of oxytocin and dopamine? Sex.

Here���s Proof:
Proof from Medical News Today

Now it���s super important to point out that this blog post is written for people in a good relationship gone bad for non-nefarious reasons. Why do I bring this up? Because you need to be cognizant of the fact that you are dealing with hormones that affect thought, and trust. If you lose sight of that fact, this advice could do you more harm than good. I���d never suggest these suggestions would make an abusive relationship better. Here���s an article about how the different genders process oxytocin and how it can mask serious underlying issues: (More on this at the end of the article.)

Psychology Today on Love and Hormones

After acknowledging that fact, you don���t have to have mad, passionate, earth-shattering intercourse to accomplish this feeling of relief either. You can increase your levels of dopamine and oxytocin simply by having lots of body contact (real skin on skin) and a gentle loving experience; a spiced-up extravaganza IS NOT REQUIRED. The comfort of physical contact creates plenty enough oxytocin to remind you of the bond you have with your partner. It���s like chemical magic.

I gave a shout-out to men when we discussed ���conversation,��� now it���s time to give a shout-out to the women. Men–much more frequently than women–equate sex with emotional connection. This is a sad byproduct of a male-centric culture which emotionally shreds males at a young age. For more on that, I suggest picking up a copy of my friend Mark Greene���s book ���The Little #MeToo Book for Men.����� Forget the title, it���s not what you think. What it is, is a short, easily understandable read which explains the emotional stunting of males and steps which can be taken to ensure the next generation has a better chance at being fully-functional and emotionally-balanced human beings. As a woman, it���s NOT your job to fix this problem, but knowing what���s going on inside your man���s mind can���t do anything but help you in the long run.

She May not have said it, but someone needed to.





Fact:��

Males, just like females NEED to feel a bonding connection.�� I���m going on record as calling this a fundamental HUMAN need. One which supersedes gender and the very necessary conversations around this, which aren���t a part of this article. Here���s where the problem comes in:�� When boys��� parents���fathers in particular���start treating them like ���boys��� by reducing or stopping altogether the hugs, kisses, and physical comfort given so freely when they were younger/smaller/cuter���whatEVer���those�� men-in-training were deprived for the better part of a decade of the bond that oxytocin provides. Guess where they first found a ready source of that lovely bonding hormone? They found it having sex. And they are at such a deficit compared to women (because: conversation with other women, parental comfort longer in life, and the other traditionally ���feminine��� behaviors which also produce oxytocin), that they are literally starved of the hormone.

Sooo��� and here���s where it gets tricky. Please understand:�� These words are intended to be informational and not judgmental, since most of us never knew this stuff.�� That thing that you ���gave them��� so frequently when you were first married wasn���t ���just sex,��� it was a like a cold drink of water in an oxytocin desert. And as time went by, the years passed, and ���life got in the way,��� even though your partner may not have been ���starving��� any longer, per se, understand that the desire for SOME type of connection never goes away.�� He is still craving it too.

I���ll say it again:

*THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO FIX.��

*A little knowledge, understanding, or a new way of seeing it, goes a long way here.

How do you use this information?��

Even if seems like things have changed pretty radically over the last few years and it���s true that many women are no longer raised with the same false beliefs of previous generations, progress is still slow.

For far too long, our society allowed phrases to exist like ���wifely duty���, ���taking care of your man���, and ���nobody to blame but yourself if your man strays.��� It made sex out to sound like a job, or the cost of being in a relationship. I have a phrase of my own to share: ���Bullshit.��� Have sex with your partner because you want the dopamine and oxytocin. Have sex because it makes you feel good, wanted, loved, and connected. Yes, a side benefit will be that your partner will be so amped with oxytocin whenever he hears your voice, sees your face, or touches your skin that he���s unlikely to seek that mysterious bonding hormone from anywhere else, but that���s not the only reason to relish your own sexuality. Change your thought process from, ���I���m having sex to keep him happy��� to, ���He���s having sex to keep me happy,��� and eventually, ���We���re having sex to keep each other happy and connected.����� Reward yourself with sex after a hard day, don���t think of it as one more thing to do before you get to go to sleep.��

Finally:

I���m always a bit leery about posting articles like this because they can easily be misinterpreted as a magic solution to problems that go far deeper than simply understanding how hormones affect relationships. The information in the article is fantastic and could help reinvigorate an otherwise healthy relationship. Not all relationships are healthy, however, and nothing I���ve written above addresses serious psychological problems. Drugs, alcohol, abuse, gambling, narcissism, gaslighting, and other relationship problems CANNOT be solved by increasing oxytocin between partners. And doing so can in fact be dangerous by distracting a partner from the reality of their situation. It can form a ���toxic��� bond which keeps one, or both, from doing the things they need to do for their own mental/emotional, and frequently physical, well-being.��

The information in this article is intended purely to help those couples who feel as if they have drifted apart and want to reconnect. Couples like Mary and Steve, characters from my novel SMAFU, who cared about each other, loved each other, but suffered mainly from poor communication skills and years of not connecting in healthy ways. If you are in a situation that is dangerous to your mental/emotional or physical health, please seek help from a trained professional who can tailor their assistance to your specific situation.��If you are in immediate danger and don���t know where to start, this resource guide may help.

And just so we don���t part ways on a Buzzkill���

If there���s one comment I hear more than any other from the fans of SMAFU it���s, ���I want to be like Cherisse when I���m older.��� For those of you that haven���t experienced the Cherisse character, she���s ninety, adventurous (don���t be surprised if you find her riding a pink Harley Davidson motorcycle and having tea with the Hell���s Angels at some point), and still thinks sex is a wonderful idea as long as the younger man can keep up with her. I have some fantastic news for you: you can be like her if you really want to. Yes she has had some wonderful experiences in her life, that will be part of an upcoming series of novels, and she���d rather find a new tea shop to explore than sit and watch television, but that isn���t because of the way she was born. It���s a choice she makes every day. Cherisse is exactly who she wants to be, not who other people tell her a ninety-year-old woman is supposed to behave. You can make that choice as well. I suggest you do, you���ll be happier for it in the long run. Even if you are seventy, you���re still young enough to blaze a new trail for yourself and create new experiences, find joy in the unexpected, and yes, even reinvigorate your sexuality. Have doubts about that? Read on���

A recent study (2013) of 806 women between the age of 40 and 100, with an average age of 67, found that women after the age of 55 were much more satisfied with their sex lives, and in particular their satisfaction with their orgasms, than their younger counterparts. Women over 80 were significantly more satisfied. Put that into perspective, if you are in your thirties, forties, or fifties, and have already given up on the whole idea of finding satisfaction in your sex life, I got news for you. You have lots of time to practice and find your happy place.
Here���s the link:

Live Science: What age are women most satisfied with their sex lives

 

As always, Peace Y’all.

EM Bosso

P.S. Don’t forget to sign up for my upcoming newsletter by joining my mailing list on the right side of this page.

P.P.S. Go buy one of my novels

My Novels

 

The post How to Bring Back that (In-) Love Feeling (Part 3 of 3) appeared first on EM Bosso.

Oxytocin:  What Men Need to Know About Connection

In Part 1 we learned what activities increase oxytocin in both ourselves and our partners. We also learned why it���s important to do a few simple activities to maintain the feeling of closeness with your partner. If you haven���t read it yet, you probably should start at the beginning by clicking the link below:

How to Bring Back that In-Love Feeling (Part 1 of 3)

Conversation 

An interesting article on conversation from Psychology Today details the neurochemical effects conversation can have on our physical, emotional, and hormonal well-being. There���s no way I could improve upon it, so just read it. The big takeaway regarding oxytocin and relationships, is that eye contact and positive conversation can lead towards large productions of oxytocin and dopamine (a different hormone related to our intrinsic rewards system which makes us feel really good) and towards better relationships.  

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conversational-intelligence/201905/the-neuroscience-conversations

Although this was a seminar designed for corporations, this is an excellent video by Judith Glaser that does an excellent job of discussing conversation, and the neuroscience behind it, focusing on the differences between genders.

Long by sooooo worth it!

Imagine, if you will, combining all the things written above into one experience. You are sitting next to your partner, holding hands, looking into each other���s eyes, having a positive conversation that ends with ���I love you,��� and a luscious kiss. How close do you feel to your partner right now? Does even the thought of that experience make you feel more bonded? Maybe you���ll be able to work through whatever other troubles your relationship might have if you could maintain that feeling of connection? Is there a single mountain in all the world, that you couldn���t climb as long as you have each other?  

Even the Song Makes You Feel Good

Isn���t that the feeling you had when you were dating? What I���m describing is a veritable overdose of oxytocin and dopamine.  

Here���s a shout-out to all the men out there who feel conversation is overrated. If what you want is for your partner to put the kids to bed early with a warning of, ���If you come out of that room, you���re going to see mommy and daddy practicing at making your new and better-behaved, sibling,��� then learn how to sit with your partner and look into her eyes while you discuss what you truly feel, think, and want out of life. Being vulnerable doesn���t equal weak. In fact, being vulnerable and not being afraid to admit it, is incredibly brave. (Stay Strong! This is not easy.) 

In this TED talk, Researcher/Storyteller (you���ll laugh at that after you watch it���), Brene Brown lays out (hilariously), her six YEARS of research on this subject.  Courage, my men, courage!

Brene Brown

Odds are good that the first few times you attempt the ���C��� word (conversation), it will be uncomfortable. I���m not talking about discussing sports, work, cars, or other Comfortable topics from the Men���s World handbook. I���m talking about real, serious, conversations about your relationship, your dreams, your hopes for the future, and your feelings. I���m a guy and I feel icky evening typing those words. I get it. But I might remind you, those are the very things you discussed back when you were dating and deciding to spend your life together. If you���re still reading this, you did make that choice (ie:  you���re married or in a long term committed relationship). Can you find the courage again to do the things that brought you both together in the first place?

You may be out of practice, or you might not have been very good at them in the first place, but that doesn���t mean you can���t learn or improve upon a skill that will enrich your relationship and, in so doing, relieve much of the stress and frustration surrounding your marriage. We guys like a challenge, don���t we?

Coming Up Next in the: How to Bring Back that (In-) Love Feeling SERIES:



Upping Your Oxytocin Game Conversation and Sex:  Two of the Most Potent Oxytocin Factories

Be sure to sign Up for my mailing list (sign up is on the right side of this website) to be notified when the next installment hits the website, and follow me on Facebook to see the next articles (and a bunch of other great things!):

https://www.facebook.com/EMBosso/




FINALLY…

If you haven’t ready my novels, please check them out. The SMAFU series (Situation Married All F’d Up) can be found here:

The World of SMAFU (Cherisse)

The post How to Bring Back that (In-) Love Feeling (Part 2 of 3) appeared first on EM Bosso.

Oxytocin:  It���s About the Connection

Relationships are hard, and keeping a relationship going for years, or decades, can be a Herculean task even in the best of situations. Here���s where I���m supposed to pretend I have THE single solution to keeping your relationship fresh and new. That, plus ���10 Easy Steps Designed to��� reinvigorate your marriage, spice up your sex life, and blah blah blah blah blah. That���s how it works in my SMAFU novels; that���s what Cherisse would do. Right? 

Throwing on a sexy nighty and covering yourself with whipped cream (make sure your partner isn���t lactose intolerant), isn���t going to solve the underlying problems which took the jolt out of your relationship. And don���t think I���m suggesting those activities aren���t worthwhile, fun is fun after all… But there just aren���t any quick and easy fixes to bring back that ���in-love��� feeling you miss so much from the early days of your marriage or other long-term relationship. 

And banking on one recipe for success isn���t practical either when you consider that men and women often (not always but tend to) look at and react to things differently on a sub-conscious level. But be you male or female, try on this statement and see if it fits: ���My spouse and I used to talk about everything when we first started dating, and when we weren���t talking, we were having sex. Now we barely talk and the time we spend together is mostly in front of the television. I mean, I love them and all, but I no longer feel in-love.���

It���s a completely normal situation. That is, if we take ���normal��� to mean common or usual, and not to mean good or desirable. It���s completely normal that, as time went by, everything from your conversations to your sex life (maybe especially sex lives) went south along with the years. Which is not to say this is ���good,��� or you wouldn���t be reading this article.

Oxytocin:  One of the ���In-Love��� Hormones

A big part of the problem comes down to an underrated hormone called oxytocin.  

“When you’re first becoming intimate, you’re releasing lots of dopamine and oxytocin. That’s creating that link between the neural systems that are processing your facial cues, your voice and the reward system” of a partner’s brain, said Larry Young, a professor of psychiatry at Emory University in Atlanta. 

Oxytocin is the hormone you had dripping out of your pores when you and your spouse were young and in love. In fact, in every moment you spent together, be it in person, interacting via technology (remember when we called that ���talking on the phone?���), or even while you were by yourself thinking about your love, you were creating boatloads of the hormone. And do you know what that hormone does? It creates that feeling of connection that we call ���in love.��� It���s this hormone that seduces us into wanting to spend every moment of every day, until death do us part even, with the person who kickstarted this particular hormone factory.   

And not so coincidentally, oxytocin is the same hormone that keeps you from killing your children when they say, ���mom, mom, mom, mom,��� for the sixty-seventh time in the last two hours. It���s like a superglue hormone that serves to bond two people together. Oxytocin is a hormone of connection and trust.

You can read more about oxytocin in this and its��� companion article���s links, but hopefully the ideas which follow can get you started down to road to maintaining or regaining the closeness you yearn to experience with your loved one. If you can accept the fact that feelings of love, closeness, and connection are even partially chemical in nature, and that those chemicals can set the stage for your desired interactions, be that open conversation, open hearts, forgiveness, satisfaction with each other, and even sex, then wouldn���t you want to do the things that reinvigorate the production of oxytocin when you and your partner are together? 

 Right now you���re probably saying, ���Great Mike, thanks for the useless advice. Who knows how to make oxytocin? It���s not like people come with a switch or something.��� But there is a type of ���switch,��� or more precisely, several switches just waiting to be flipped if you���re willing to give them a try and you���re doing it for the right reasons. Oxytocin researcher Dr. Paul Zak put a list of them together in an article for Psychology Today.

All ten of them are easy enough to accomplish and can be implemented almost immediately. The list leans toward creating more oxytocin in yourself as opposed to your partner, but with a few adjustments you can apply the suggestions to both of you to help make a closer, happier, and healthier relationship.

Important Note:  Human Beings Aren���t Vending Machines  

This is not about manipulating your partner to get them to do something you want.  First of all:  Uncool.  Second of all:  That���s not how it works.  If they don���t see you coming a mile off, they���ll figure it out soon enough and you���ll both stand to regret the feelings of manipulation. That���s not what you���re going for.  You see, it���s not about some behavior-causes-effect formula, as much as it���s about the intent behind the behavior. And the intent is to (re-)create some of the connection you experienced together, once upon a time. The intent is to build a close relationship based on bonds of trust and appreciation.

Don���t Be Like Steve

These practices may feel uncomfortable and weird when you first start trying them and that���s OK. It���s been a long time since you���ve treated each other like you did when you were actively looking to connect with a person to spend your life with. No shame:  You���re just out of practice. Don���t be like Steve in my novel SMAFU who displays a regrettable tendency to just give up when things don���t work out the way he wants right away. Stick with it and keep trying if regaining that connection is truly what you want.

Big-Time Oxytocin Boosters

Listen with your eyes

Making eye contact with your loved one, showing that you are focusing on them while they speak, will increase oxytocin in both of you. The old adage, ���I lost myself in her eyes,��� has quite a bit of truth in it. Having a conversation while looking at your phone or watching TV doesn���t have the same effect. It subconsciously, and often quite blatantly, tells your partner that what is happening on the screen is equally���if not more���important than they are. It���s been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and eye contact between two people link them both conversationally and emotionally.

Photo image of nine blue human eyes demonstrating and labeled with the corresponding emotion entitled by ���the eyes are the windows to the soul.

Give a gift 

Giving someone a gift, big or small, creates oxytocin in both the giver and the receiver. The act can make you both feel good even if the receiving party says they don���t like gifts. What they are really saying is gifts make me feel uncomfortable. That���s okay, sometimes you have to feel discomfort to move past it. Gifts don���t have to be expensive, grand gestures like cars or jewelry.  A cup of coffee counts. Small gifts on a regular basis will likely result in reciprocating behavior, but don���t expect that. It���s not the reason for the gift. Do it simply because you love someone and want to see them smile. 

Use the ���L��� word 

Although this may seem obvious, it really isn���t. Do you remember how you felt that first time your partner said, ���I love you,��� or the first time you said it to them? Remember the nervous flutter in your stomach, the rush of excitement, the absolute happiness you felt upon realizing someone cared enough about you to say three little words? Do you remember the feeling of bonding and connection those words created? While it���s unrealistic to expect that earlier level of response, understand that the hormonal response still exists, just at a more muted level. ���I love you��� isn���t something you no longer have to say because you said it once last month or on your wedding day. It���s a reminder at a hormonal level of the connection and bonding you share as a couple. If you say it in connection with eye-contact, magical things can happen that might involve removing clothing. Which brings me to my next point: 

Physical contact 

Physical contact creates oxytocin like nobody���s business. I���m not just talking intercourse here, although huge amounts are released during that pleasurable activity. Hugs, kisses, holding hands, a hand on a shoulder, a brush of a cheek, or even just resting your head on a shoulder all provide a nice dose. You know, all the things you used to do back when you felt close with your partner. The reduction in those activities over the years, regardless of the reasons, reduced your levels of oxytocin and contributed to the feeling of ���drifting apart���, of ���losing the bond��� you once shared. If you want to regain that connection, then this is a good place to start. Never discount the need, and therapeutic benefits, of a hug.

Basic Oxytocin Boosters

Share a quiet meal together

(Bonus points for adding soft music) If you still have kids at home this can be tough, nearly impossible some days. Adapt this to your life and maybe have a quite dessert together after the kids have gone to bed. Even sitting together and having a glass of wine, and cheese, will give you a feeling of solidarity and closeness worth experiencing.

Soak in a hot bath

Alone or together, and meditate (nothing fancy, just reflect) about the good points of your partner. Concentrate on the positives.

Do something adventurous

This doesn���t have to be great-big-huge like my skydiving characters in SMAFU ��� Soulmates, but do you remember when you were dating? Did you do things like going to a haunted house, amusement parks, scary movies, or whitewater rafting together? Doing adventurous things increases oxytocin which is why doing it together is so much fun.

Be patient with yourself. The very fact that you are trying, and your partner knows you���re trying, will increase oxytocin and open up the possibility to conversations that will bring you closer together. It might be a chicken-or-egg question���which came first the oxytocin or the conversation���but does it really matter if it moves you closer to ���Destination Connection?���

Shameless Plug

Read SMAFU, SMAFU: Soulmates, and the upcoming Cherisse novels together as a couple. Consider taking turns reading aloud to one another. You���ll laugh, you might cry, but you���ll become closer just from the experience of sharing a story.

Don���t miss the next two installments in the ���Bring Back that In-Love Feeling��� series. They���re much more narrowly focused on conversations and sex. Or said in a non-PC way:  What Men Need to Know, and What Women Need to Know about oxytocin and how it affects relationships.

Be sure to follow me in all the places so you don���t miss out. Until then, as always���

Peace Y���all

EM Bosso

Additional Reading

MORE Articles:

Soulmate Relationship Types – How Many Are There?

Are SoulMates Real?

The post How to Bring Back that In-Love Feeling (Part 1 of 3) appeared first on EM Bosso.

It happens a lot in the Author world. We need to send copies of our books to bloggers, reviewers, beta-readers, etc. And the inevitable question arises, “But how do I get that onto my Kindle?”  I mean, this person is doing us a solid, right?  So do we want them feeling chained to their laptop, or worse, their desk the whole time they’re reading?  No! We want them curled up someplace comfy with their cat/dog/ferret and a hot beverage. Call it a scientific experiment under real-life conditions.  In other words, we want their experience to feel as close as possible to how we envision the scads of readers who’ll buy our masterpieces will feel:  Comfortable. Content. Engaged.
 
Also, it’s just nice.  It’s the little things.
 
Please feel free to share this cheat-sheet with your friends on social media and be sure to tuck it away for yourself. Rainy days aren’t so far away.
 
There’s no shame if you don’t know how to do this, or tried it before and it didn’t work for you.  In fairness, it used to be much harder.  These days you’ll probably only have to take the extra emailing step if you read on Kindle Fire. So I compiled this cheat sheet to help you through it.  At first glance, it might seem like so many words to chuck in your TL:DR (Too Long; Didn’t Read) pile.  But I promise it’s a LOT easier than it looks.  And after you do it once… you’ll be able to do it again!
 

 
Now that you have that little task accomplished, go to Amazon and add this to your Kindle Library the easy way.

They say, “Romance is in the eye of the beholder.”  And according to the pages upon pages of results from a super-scientific Google search:  They say it a lot.  We sort of even said it here on the site in our recent post about the many different kinds of books which fit under that dark umbrella called “Noir.”


DON’T JUDGE!
Sadly, romance novels too often get a bad rap,  lumped into stereotypes described as cliché, sappy, unrealistic, lady-porn, or (SMH here…) “women’s fiction.”  The why’s of that and gender politics are a whole other can of worms and not the point of this article.  Like the cool kids say:  It’s 2019.  People can just read whatever they like.  Period.



So how can a romance novel be considered “Noir?”   Don’t these stories have to follow the rules and always end in Happily Ever After (HEA)? Technically: Yes.  But do real-life romances always end in HEA?  Actually:  No.  They do not. So where do readers go to find books written around realistic and flawed (read: human) characters?  The answer is Noir-Romance.  The answer is HERE (That’s your hint to click there…).


RULES ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN
And yes, at the risk of creating a new genre of fiction, I mostly just made that up. I had to, because to find these honest stories, we usually have to go digging through ALL the genres:  Literary fiction, romance, crime fiction/detective/mystery, fantasy/paranormal, and (often) psychological thriller.  Ten-Sixteen’s own SMAFU series is technically filed under romantic comedy, but the protagonists do, as my grandma used to say, “lean toward the miseries.”  In other words: These characters are Noir.

GET IN THE MOOD
Like the prior blog post said, Noir is more of a mood than a genre or type.
And these are just the kinds of moody books (of many genre) we read over at Lamplighter’s Lounge, our Facebook Group-based book club for readers.   And no surprise here:  Most of our noir-ish book choices have elements of romantic entanglement in them, for better or for worse.

Maybe you’ll consider joining us? (CLICK HERE TO COME JOIN THE FUN)

 

In the meantime though, here are five good articles that explain Noir-Romance.  If you only have time for one, pick the one from The Daily Beast.  Appropriate for Marriage & Romance Noir, right?

You might be a fan of noir and not know it.

Usually what comes to mind when we hear the word “noir” in relation to a book or movie, is the hard-boiled detective trope we know from the Sam Spade or Philip Marlowe -type stories. You know: Humphrey Bogart movies. Sometimes people include paranormal/monster/vampire/horror stories under the noir umbrella. You could even say the entire D.C. comics world is noir and Batman is their king. And that’s just the thing:   Noir in and of itself is not a specific genre. In fact, you can find elements of noir in most genres. So let’s dig into what we mean when we say a story is “noir.”

 

An Attitude, Mood, or Feel

Here are three descriptions I found of noir which start to get at the heart of it.

–“Noir is empathy. It’s giving the underclass without a voice a way to speak, because no one understands their day-to-day life. And noir is about life – because life is hard.” — Lou Boxer, co-chair of Noircon ( http://temple-news.com/arts/noir-fans-celebration-genre-society-hill/ )

— “Maybe our realism is most people’s noir.”  –Acclaimed author Eric Miles Williamson ( https://amzn.to/2Jyri0r )

–Noir is an exploration of realism. The hero doesn’t always win, and even when he/she does: It isn’t easy. There isn’t always a clear victor and justice isn’t always found.

So you can see how these concepts of realism, giving voice, and struggle can be found in many, many different types of stories. That said, you’ll quite often find one or more of the following themes in a story which has earned the noir label:

Money and Society

The corrosive effects of money, the meaninglessness and absurdity of existence, anxieties about masculinity and the bureaucratization of public life, a fascination with the grotesque and a flirtation with, and rejection of, Freudian psychoanalysis.

The Cambridge Companion to American Crime Fiction

The Immobilized Man

Big thanks to Joe Bunting at The Write Practice for this great description of a typical noir hero.

https://thewritepractice.com/the-immobilised-man-in-noir/

The immobilized hero lives in the city, yet he’s single and alone. No matter how he likes to observe others, he’s an outsider and doesn’t establish contact with people.

He is anti-materialistic, is written in the first person, holds few possessions, and searches inside himself for answers rather than looking at the outside world.

Feeling superior to others, he’s rather frustrated that others ultimately can’t recognize him. On the other hand, he has a constant love-hate relationship with himself.

He considers himself an artist, regardless of whether he is or not, and believes that he sees the world uniquely with the whole truth revealed, which is the reason for his feeling of superiority over others.

The immobilized man is confined to his room, and is additionally immobilized by his inability to emotionally connect with other people, least of all women.

His accumulated frustration and anger usually results in suicide. By murdering himself, he’s actually killing the part of him that makes him a being like everyone else – a haunting thought for him.

Emotional Tone:

The prevailing emotions in Noir fiction are: depression, apathy, fear, amorality, and paranoia. The Noir hero is the loser, the weak-minded, the psychopath, the sociopath, the obsessive and compulsive.

The character(s) are destined to suffer, to confront the darkness inside them. Whether they live or die is beyond the point; the core of swimming into this darkness is what matters.

Fatalism and Helplessness

Characters within a noir-ish novel seldom have control of their situation and frequently feel helpless to change their positions in life. This comes out in dissatisfaction with a career, relationship, or the way the world is treating him/her. A cog in the corporate world that knows there is something better, that they were meant for something more, but do not know how to achieve a happier life.

Sex, Femme Fatales, and More Sex

Noir films frequently deal with sex, strong and manipulative women, money, and more sex. Noir deals with the primal needs of human nature and what one is willing to do in order to obtain said goal. The men are willing to do whatever it takes to be with the woman, and the woman is willing to do whatever it takes to involve the male in her nefarious plans.

If you are a fan of, or enjoy, novels that deal with real life, real situations, emotional ups and downs, and relatable characters, then no matter your favorite genre: You might be a fan of noir.

Just a few examples to whet your whistle…

Noir in Romance: The Professional, Deadly Games, Novels by Megan Chance, Novels by Karina Halle, Fast Women, What a Lady Wants, 50 Shades of Grey, SMAFU (Situation All F’d Up), SMAFU: SoulMates.

Noir Westerns: Django Unchained

Noir Fantasy and SciFi: The Harry Dresden Series, Mathew Woodring Stover’s Caine series, Supernatural, Fringe, Marvel’s Agents of Shield, Alphas, X-Files, American Horror Story, Vampire Diaries, Grimm, The Originals, The 100, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Being Human, The Walking Dead, American Gods, Altered Carbon, Iron Man, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Wolverine, DeadPool.

Noir Fiction: Most of Ben Stillers’ roles, The girl with the Dragon Tattoo, FBoM, CSI, True Detective, Dexter, Breaking Bad, The Following, Hannibal, How To Get Away With Murder, Most ghost hunting/paranormal shows, Lucifer, Once Upon a Time, American Horror Story, Justified, Criminal Minds, novels by Nic Pizzolatto, It’s a Wonderful Life, The Awakening, She, No Country For Old Men, Elmore Leonard novels, Dennis LeHane novels, Black Dahlia, Michael Connelly Novels, Sin City and other Frank Miller novels and movies.

Noir in comedy: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,  Most of Seth McFarlane’s works (Family Guy), The Simpsons, Daffy Duck.

Need I go on? Admit it… you’re a noir junkie. Just like me.  

Being an author is a trip down a road well-travelled, as I recently learned while doing research for my next novel in the SMAFU series. As John Gardner wrote in his book The Art of Fiction: Notes for Young Writers, there are only two plots, a stranger walks into town and a man goes on a journey. That’s sound limiting, but by and large it is correct. All stories, and novels, are roads well-travelled and the scenery and events are told through the eyes of a different author each time. There is nothing new under the sun but the perceptions in which we experience them. That became glaringly apparent while doing a bit of research a few days back.

Supernatural circa 1960

Not surprisingly, considering my noir-ish persona, and writing style, I’m a big fan of the television show Supernatural (for the record, I’m more of a Dean-guy than a Sam-fan). If, for some unfathomable reason, you aren’t familiar with the show I’ll give you a brief synapsis: two brothers travel from town to town, in a sweet muscle car, rescuing people from evildoers. Although my next novel isn’t a thriller (That’s the FBoM world in which I write), I am taking Cherisse and crew on a journey down old Route 66. We’ll visit a world that got lost in time and celebrate a time when not everything had to be functional to be built. A time where not everything was about making as much money as possible. The pure beauty of small town, middle American, family owned, businesses.

Route 66 circa 2019

Part of my research (honestly, my wife is a near professional researcher that lists, files, organizes, and categorizes, everything I will ever need to research to make my job easier) led me to a nearly forgotten television show from the 1960s called Route 66. If, like me, you were not familiar with this show I’ll give you a brief synapsis: two brothers travel from town to town, in a sweet muscle car, rescuing people from evildoers. It’s literally the same show with only a few minor differences. It was a good show as well, but only lasted three seasons. Supernatural is on season fifteen. What made one show a side-note and one a smash hit? The perspective of the author and ability to tell the same story through a different lens. That’s an authors job: to tell a tired story in a new and interesting way. Hopefully my fans feel I’ve accomplished that goal so far in my writing career, but guess what? There’s more to come…

The stories I’ll be retelling in the near future

Cherisse, from SMAFU and SMAFU: Soulmates, will be returning to in a new novel dealing with a married couple going through some tough times. Hopefully she’ll work her magic, and everything will turn out for the best, but only time will tell.

Michael Carson, from my FBoM series, will be getting his own novel where you will be able to discover his past and what made him the man he is today. There will also be a shocker or two, there always is with that guy…

A new psychological crime drama is in the works with a female detective that makes Sam Spade look like a happy-go-lucky guy.

Finally, I’m in the process of finishing a futuristic (or is it) novel involving perception, mind-control, and the meaning of life. I promise you’ll be blown away… someday.

Peace y’all.

The post A Road Well-Travelled appeared first on EM Bosso.

Mark Greene is Right, This Generation Men Are in a No-Win Situation

Mark Greene, author of The Little #MeToo Book for Men, is correct in his latest article:  “For This Generation of Men, There Will Be No Resolution”. It’s a short, but valuable read that explains why so many males, even the “good ones,” are frustrated, confused, and even angry over the growing demand for understanding and empathy for those that have suffered inequality, racism, sexual assault, and harassment, perpetrated by men throughout history. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m on your side and believe we need to take responsibility and do what we can to correct the errors of our past. I’ve spoken with Mark, and I can promise you that he’s on your side as well, so where does the frustration come from?

Most men are decent humans:

We’re far from perfect but miles from being demons. In my FBoM series readers were shocked, and appalled, by the US Department of Justice report that noted approximately thirty percent of college-aged males would commit sexual assault (AKA RAPE) if they felt they could get away with it. That’s a horrible number to contemplate, but that still means seventy percent of college-aged males wouldn’t.

We can’t extrapolate precise numbers from that realization, but I’m comfortable in saying most men don’t knowingly participate in harassment, racism, or sexual assault. Note that I say knowingly, and that’s where the frustration comes in. Today’s male is trapped between how we were taught the world worked, and the new realization of how the world SHOULD work. Many of us have changed our behavior to reflect our new knowledge. None of us can change what’s happened in the past. We have to look in the mirror every day and realize that we were part of a problem that we didn’t know existed. We have to stand up to our fathers, and grandfathers, who were our childhood heroes and say, “What you taught me, in words and by example, wasn’t right. You taught me exactly what was wrong.”

What’s more: we have to look back on our past and acknowledge our own culpability by the words we used, the actions we took and did not take, and admit we may not be as good as we believed ourselves to be.

As mentioned in Mark Greene’s article, perhaps the most frustrating thing of all is that after we have accomplished all those lofty goals, and passed our newfound knowledge onto the next generation, we are mere middlemen in the process and we’ll never know if we have accomplished a damn thing. This generation of male will take the brunt of the anger for the sins of our fathers, many of us willingly, and will never have a chance to see the better world we all hope will be.

Final random thoughts:

SINS.  Sorry It’s Not Simple.

The subject matter Mark is addressing is complex.  Addressing only one point at a time without an understanding there are others, and getting upset when people go, “ya, but what about…?!” just feeds the reactionary rage machine. So Mark’s right:  No, guys, sorry, you don’t get to feel resolution or an overall “win” from JUST focusing on the one solitary dang thing you wish to focus on by changing yourselves.

If you want to change, and don’t know where to start, I doubt you can expect “the enemy” (women and the groups he mentioned) to sit down and write you out a 10-point checklist of how to “be a better man.”  Having and using anger, (frustration/resistance *is* a form of anger) is what makes “enemies.”  It’s what turns people with whom you might wish to have a connection … into OTHER.  Into someone, “you just don’t understand.  Don’t stand under.  Don’t support.  De facto abandon… in the act of making them “other.”

Try making them your partner and ask for advice.  See how it goes.  Try again.

Links to Articles and Books in this post:

The Little #MeToo Book for Men

For This Generation of Men, There Will Be No Resolution

The FBoM Page

Other articles of interest:

Stand Up to Evil, Don’t let it Win By Default.

Society Teaches Rape and Sexual Assault: and Profits From It

Do You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth? The Twitter Troll Conundrum

The post Mark Green is Right, This Generation of Male is in a No-Win Situation appeared first on EM Bosso.

“You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

“Shut up bitch. I hope you die, you stupid slut.”

The young man sat as his keyboard waiting for a response to his latest insult. He’d keep at it until he won the argument. The girl on the receiving end of his anger shouldn’t have laughed at his original comment. The original Star Wars was way better than the new one. Who would believe Rey could do all of those things without training. She was a girl after all, Kylo Ren would have killed her in a heartbeat, after he slept with her anyway.

The teenage girl stared at her phone wondering if she should respond. It started off by posting a picture of her favorite Star Wars character on Twitter. Why shouldn’t Rey be her favorite? Rey was the hero of the movie and she had it all. She was smart, fast, caring, beautiful, and a survivor. Rey was awesome, even if the movie wasn’t the kind of show she normally liked. Why had that random Twitter troll felt the need to call Rey a stupid cunt? That was a horrible word and Rey didn’t do anything to deserve that. She had tried to make a joke to deescalate the situation and gotten called a slut. He said he hoped she would die. It would be best not to antagonize the guy further, it would just make it worse. He might get so angry that he would decide to track down her other posts and comment, or worse… track her down in person. It was better to stay quiet.

It’s a Real Thing:

I’m an author and that is a fictional interaction between two individuals on social media. The thing is, the novels I write are based on reality and adjusted to fit into something than many people find entertaining: so I hope. I utilize fiction to illustrate, and shine a light upon, the darker aspects of human interaction. In other words, I write about things the world would prefer to keep hidden.

According to a recent Amnesty International report– A woman is abused every 30 seconds on Twitter—the scene I just wrote is a more than an anomaly. It’s more than an outburst by an isolated male living in his mother’s basement. It’s a fact of life amongst a huge percentage of today’s women and perpetrated by an increasingly large number of today’s young men.

For a more dramatic, and very real, example of what many women are experiencing watch this video provided by the show On Being: On Being

As I mentioned, I’m an author. A large part of writing a good and compelling novel involves extensive research into the topics I am attempting fictionalize. When I wrote the first FBoM novel I immersed myself in a world none of us like to think about:  Rape. I read study after study, found real stories, and even heard stories from the victims themselves. Why did I expose myself to these horrific situations? Because a small study had recently been published suggesting that 32% of college-age males would commit rape if nobody would find out, and there would be no repercussions. I didn’t believe the data. I didn’t want to believe the numbers. I was wrong. Fortunately, the majority of young males feel that there will be consequences, and, as such, do not act on these impulses.

I’m not an expert or a psychologist, nor do I work in the not-for-profit world which once exposed me to a more-troubled segment of society. Yet, from the research mentioned, I’ve acquired quite a bit of knowledge on this topic.  In order to write compelling, and realistic, characters I also need the ability to put myself into their minds. The “what makes that character tick” quotient. That said, allow me suggest that these abuses happening online are an apt equivalent to the young men who would commit rape if there were no consequences. They have found their outlet for power and violence online. They have learned that in the digital world, there are no consequences to assaulting a woman. That “32%” of young males can’t find a reason to control their impulsive behavior.

Drilling Down:

Let me take this one step further. The study I referenced that suggested 32% of males would commit rape if they could get away with it had an interesting caveat. Most of those young men said they would not commit “Rape,” yet would force sex upon an unwilling woman. They didn’t understand that “forcing sex on an unwilling woman” and “rape” are one and the same thing. If they can’t understand that simple concept, how could they possibly understand that attacking someone in the virtual, digital, world is also an unacceptable form of assault?

The nature of the digital world removes the natural consequences which would occur if they were in the same room with the woman they were assaulting. They don’t have to deal with the anger, emotions, body language, or reprimand from others in the room. There are no consequences for their behavior.

Not Just Hate:

The notification of a private message flashed on her screen. Kelsey received private messages all the time from friends and she looked forward to having a chat, “I saw your bikini picture on Insta and wanted to tell you that I think you’re hot.”

Kelsey didn’t know the guy that had messaged her, but it felt good to be told she was hot. The only bikini picture on her account was from over the summer. She was having a good time with her friends and had received over 100 likes. It was kind of a rush to be noticed, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. The guy’s profile didn’t have a lot of information, but he was kind of cute. It was worth saying hi. She didn’t have a boyfriend at the moment, and well… who knows.

“Awww… thanks!