H Comerford's Blog

Writing poetry is weightlifting for writers. A quote accredited to a few writers across twitter but one I couldn’t agree with more…

(Go on Zoe!)

Do let me clarify-  I am NOT a poet. Not at all. Not even a little bit. I’ve seen performance poets in action- Tom Mansfield- a London based performer for example. He spins an intricate rhythmical spiral of words that captures you up and takes you wherever he wants you to go- he’s a poet. The people who stand up at Spoken Word London and pour out their hearts in stanzas, they’re poets. Carol Ann Duffy, she’s a poet.

All poets are writers but not all writers are poets.

I can make things rhyme. I recently helped to adapt Traum Theatre’s 'Penguinpig', creating a rhyming narrative for their puppets to follow, but I’m classing that as playwriting. For me, poetry is an exercise in creativity. A chance for me, in a short space of time, to create something lively, irreverent and fun... Maybe writing is less like weightlifting for me and more like karaoke…

Maybe poetry is more like archery for writers?

It’s all about precision. You can’t have too many words in a poem, you have to pick carefully, the word has to fit with the rhythm and convey everything you need it to in a few syllables… It’s not like a blog where you can ramble on and on and on…

Actually maybe poetry is more like scrabble for writers?

Because whilst you’re looking for that perfect word you run through every synonym. The words I learnt whilst I was looking for something to rhyme with purple!

Or poetry is like skydiving for writers?

It’s freeing. You write about whatever you want, because a poem is as long as it is. You’re not aiming for the 68,000 word mark of a novel. If I want to write a poem about an avocado I can absolutely write a poem about an avocado and know that after the sixth line I can put a stop to the madness…

Poetry is mental gymnastics- but the good kind, the one with more flips and kicks and less ribbons on sticks.

Anyway, writers, poets, people, I encourage you to go out and write whatever you want. Everything you write makes you a better writer be it poetry or a wordy blog about not being a poet.

So, just for fun, here is a couple of fruits my weightlifting.

VDAY – February 2015

You can forget your roses

& marked up fancy meals

& stilted conversation

& theatre, hotel deals.

Tonight I've got a real treat,

My date's too cool to care

Have stuck 'em in the freezer

& found slippers to wear.

Yep, tonight I'm gonna raise a glass

Then chow down and be merry,

This year I have two Valentines-

The gorgeous Ben and Jerry

 

 

And my favourite-

 

KAMIKAZE PIGEON – April 2016 (revised in 2020, because what else was there to do?)

I am the Kamikaze Pigeon.

No wandering for me.

No pecking at vague vomit.

I'm in the air

I'm free.

I am the Kamikaze Pigeon

And you are in my place.

Your head is where

I'm gonna be.

This is my air space.

I am the Kamikaze Pigeon

And this is mine,

My day.

Life's intense

Or what's the point?

So f*ck off out the way.

(Article was first written in July 2016)

There's nothing more important in daily life than birds, so I've developed this handy quiz to figure out exactly which bird you are.

1. You're on the London tube, what do you do to keep yourself entertained?

A. Not hold on and try to surf
B. Lose yourself in a good book and try not to think about mice
C. Listen to your phone's music on loud
D. Eat the chicken you found on the floor
E. Look at yourself in the windows

2. What's your favourite sport?

A. Running really fast in a straight line
B. Spectating
C. Snatching someone's iphone and running away
D. American Football
E. Rhythmic gymnastics

3. There's a riot on the high street near your home, do you-

A. Hide under your duvet
B. Sleep through it
C. Smash up Sports Direct
D. Oh I should - wait no, I'll - oh if I - no- um
E. Go the next morning to look at the pretty glass all over the floor. Isn't it strange how you can find beauty everywhere? Isn't life funny?

4. You're planning your next holiday, where are you going?

A. Safari trip!
B. Country retreat
C. MAGALUF!!!! LADS LADS LADS LADS
D. All the London sites! Especially Trafalgar Square, don't you just love Trafalgar Square?!
E. Dubai, Dubai looks pretty and shiny!

5. What's your favourite food?

A. A nice lean curry
B. I quite like fast food actually
C. Chips and ice cream
D. I don't really have a favourite, I will literally eat anything
E. Canapes on silver platter please

And the results! (Brace yourself for a look into your actual soul)Mostly A's - You're an Ostrich, you leggy beauty! You like moving fast and sticking your head in the sand.Mostly B's - You're an Owl, oh wise one. You like killing tiny furry things and are friends with Pooh Bear.Mostly C's - Congratulations you're a Seagull, you mouthy dickhead. You can surf air currents though, so that's something I guess...Mostly D's - Yep you're a Pigeon. But unless your answer to question one was 'chicken', you are a Wood Pigeon, nobly plump, noisy and very tasty... Mostly E's - You're a magpie. You find beauty in all things which is admirable, you're also a kleptomaniac.
 

Writing is your passion, but unless you're very lucky you probably can't afford to stop working to become a full time writer. The average wage of a writer in Britain is less than £11k a year, some will make more, some will make way, way less (trust me on this). With all the jobs out there what's the best thing to spend your day doing so you can come home and create at the end of a long day?

Four writers give an insight into their working life.

Freelance Journalist

Author: Lochlan Bloom

Genre: Contemporary/ Literary Fiction

 Where did you work?

While I wrote The Wave I was also working freelance as a writer for different news journals. The main part was written while I was living in Stoke Newington in North London. My flat was tiny so I worked and wrote a lot in cafes along Church St.

Briefly what did your job entail?

Most of the freelance contracts I was working on were articles for online news sites and journals. This involved reading far too many badly-written press releases and juggling a lot of deadlines.

What are the pros of doing this job alongside writing?

Having to write every day and meet deadlines is definitely a pro

What are the cons?

But having multiples deadlines and no fixed hours can make it hard to separate time dedicated to writing fiction.

What training do you need to do it?

Black belt in martial arts

Find out more about Lochlan: www.lochlanbloom.com

Books: 

The Wave

Trade and The Open Cage 

Theatre Stage Manager

Author: Me!!! (Helen Comerford)

Genre: Young Adult/ Dystopia

Where did you work?

At present I’m a Stage Manager at Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre in London, but I have done all sorts- touring, musicals, pantos and even ‘An Evening with the Hoff’ at the O2.

Briefly what did your job entail?

Stage Management look after the running of the show. The Assistant Stage Manager looks after props and helps run backstage, which is what I do on A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

What are the pros of doing this job alongside writing?

Show call. When the show is up and running, we only come in a few hours before, often my day can start as late as 4pm which means I have time to get some writing done before work.

I’ve been to a lot of interesting places for work (Wales, Channel Islands, Edinburgh Festival, Wales) and met a lot of interesting people, because, like most Stage Managers I’m a freelancer and go from contract to contract. Also it’s just a great job, people who work in theatre love theatre and so are generally really happy to be at work. Calling a show (telling lights, sound, flys etc when to GO) or running backstage can be challenging, exciting and hilarious in equal measure.

What are the cons?

At frequent intervals Stage Management completely takes over your life, you can be working twelve hour days for a few weeks or more. When this happens I give everything to the show and absolutely cannot write. But weighed against show call the rest of the time it’s not too bad.

Also, generally, you’re hired for your efficiency, not your creativity. You have to learn when to keep ideas to yourself, if you’re the Stage Manager in the rehearsal room the writer and the director probably won’t be looking your way for script suggestions…

Ah also a big pro is also a major con, being a freelancer means you’re always thinking about your next job and spend a lot of time applying for shows and chasing down leads.

What training do you need to do it?

I did a postgraduate in Stage Management at Mountview Academy of Theatre Arts. But, if you’re looking to work in Theatre without going back to university you can get a job backstage as Stage Crew and work your way up.

Find out more about Afterlife

Microsoft Technology Specialist/ IT Consultant

Author: Jessica Meats

Genre: Science Fiction/ Adventure

Where did you work?

All the time I've been a published author, I've been a Microsoft technology specialist or IT consultant in some way.

Briefly what did your job entail?

The job varied over the years, but large parts of it involved knowing the Microsoft technology, keeping up to date with new releases, presenting about it, teaching people about it, explaining how it might solve a business' problems, things like that.

What are the pros of doing this job alongside writing?

The main pro is that my technology jobs have had pretty good pay. This means I can spend energy on writing instead of worrying how I'm going to pay the bills and write the things I enjoy without fretting too much about how much money it will make. It also means that when I decided to self-publish my novella series, I was able to pay for professional editing, proof-reading, cover design, etc.

With my job, I also have occasional trips around the country to do meetings and workshops with customers. I find those a really good opportunity for writing. When I'm stuck in a hotel room in the evening without much to do, I can get a lot of writing done.

The combination of my writing credentials and technical knowledge also got me an invite to write a technical book. I nearly put this in the con section because writing the technical manual was tedious, but the fact is that the technical book has had better sales than any of my fiction works. Having collected a large number of rejection letters before finding a publisher for my first novel, it was thrilling to have a publisher approach me and ask me to write a book for them.

What are the cons?

The main con is the same as any full time job - time. I officially work 9-5:30 five days a week, but it sometimes spills over into evenings. The time I'm in the office or travelling around to meetings, I can't spend writing.

What training do you need to do it?

I have a masters degree in maths and computer science, but more importantly I have to spend a lot of time keeping up with rapid changes in technology. New updates and products are released just about every week, so I have to regularly take part in online training, go on courses, and follow updates just to stay ahead of the changes.

 Find out more about Jessica: http://plot-twister.co.uk

Books:

Child of the Hive

Omega Rising 

Shadows of Tomorrow 

Retail

Author: Me again!

Where did you work?

As a student and for a while after I worked as a Customer Service Representative at Blockbuster. For anyone born after the 90s, Blockbuster was a magical place where you went to rent DVDs. For anyone born after the noughties- DVDs were round silver discs you got movies on, like a download you can hold.

 Briefly what did your job entail?

Serving customers, filing films, keeping the store tidy, recommending films.

What are the pros of doing this job alongside writing?

This was arguably the greatest student job of all time as it included many free films. I also got to stand around and chat about randomness for a lot of my shift (timetravel, how we'd survive a zombie attack, who fancied who) all great fodder for writing. Then at the end of my shift I’d clock off and leave any work worries on the shopfloor, generally with enough energy to get some writing done.

 What are the cons?

Customer service can be horrible, sometimes people were just really rude. Also Blockbuster doesn’t massively exist any more so that’s probably a pretty big con…

 What training do you need to do it?

Generally just work experience.

Events Project Coordinator

Playwright and Poet: Philippa Mannion

Where did you work?

I have had many different jobs in the last five years - from being a barista to working in a box office, being a front of house duty manager and also being the project coordinator of a mid-scale outdoor arts company.

Briefly what did your job entail?

At Nutkhut, we created and produced outdoor events for festivals and local authorities - it was a good mix of production management, event logistics, marketing and design work and production support. It was always good to see the end result and the delight on people’s faces when they engaged with performers, seeing them smile and knowing you can bring joy into someone’s life. 

What are the pros of doing this job alongside writing?

A big plus is you know where your rent is coming from each. I also found that working in theatre or an arts organisation alongside your own writing can help you understand the process that others go through to create work and that can help you to define your work ethic and how you create.

What are the cons?

It can be frustrating when a job starts dominating your life, relaxing after you’ve finished work can be a challenge. If I’ve had a rough day at work, I do find it difficult to think creatively or return to the desk and write.

 What training do you need to do it?

I have a degree in Theatre Studies and experience in a variety of roles in the Theatre including Front of House, duty managing, and producing.

Find out more about Philippa: https://mannionaise.com/words/

Check out her current project Trench at the Pleasance Theatre HERE

Other day jobs...

Just for fun, here's some day jobs of some of our best known writers:

Franz Kafka worked as an Insurance Lawyer

Malorie Blackman worked as a Database Manager

Philip Larkin worked as a Librarian

Terry Pratchett worked as a Press Officer

Christine Brooke Rose worked as a Code Breaker at Bletchley Park!

Agatha Christie worked as an Apothecarie's Assistant

George Orwell worked as a Policeman in Burma

Booker Prize winner Magnus Mills worked as a Bus Driver

First published July 2016

Have you ever noticed how a toddler will react to a tiny thing like it's the end of the world? Yes. Of course you have, these small tyrants and their reactions reach impressive decibels.

I was listening to a young boy, who is actually a beautiful and very happy child 90% of the time, have a minor meltdown. He sounded truly heartbroken (over what I later discovered was over a shoe issue), so I wrote the following:

19/06/2018   

Kalladi, Sri Lanka                                              

For Zia (aged 20 months)

 

I am not crying.

 

I am not crying because you packed away my crayons.

You misunderstand me mother.

I am lamenting the loss of beauty in this bleak, uncaring world.

I am not crying because I smashed a glass, or because you reprimanded me.

You misunderstand me mother.

I am realising the fragility of life. Things will smash and I can change nothing.

I am not crying because you put me to bed.

You misunderstand me mother.

I am mourning the death of another day and the transience of time.

I am not crying mother,

You misunderstand me.

I am not crying.

 

Fin.

When you have a hit it always takes a while to build up the confidence to follow it up. Sequels eh? But now the wait is over! After my smash hit, soul defining quiz 'Which bird are you?' you can now, finally, find out which dinosaur you truly are...

 

1. You hear the roar of an approaching predator what do you do?

A. Run away. THEN Ring the army. THEN Watch from a safe distance.

B. Head out to meet it. Predators are often misunderstood. Maybe it just wants to be friends?

C. Become one with your surroundings. How can it find you if you were never here...?

D. Blind it with a flash from your compact mirror and make good your escape.

E. Take it out! Who's got a rocket launcher I can borrow?

 

2. You are stuck on a small island inhabited by other dinosaurs, anarchic scientists and the occasional tourist. What three items would you bring?

A. Well probably a map, a torch and Bear Grylls.

B. No, I think I’ll stay at home. 

C. A plastic sheet. It's all you really need to survive in the wild.

D. My straighteners, my tweezers and I do have a pair of trainers, they’re sparkly.  

E. A knife, fork and spoon. And napkin. I'm going to have four things.

 

3. What colour Power Ranger would you be?

A. Blue

B. Orange

C. Red

D. Pink

E. Green

 

4. What's your favourite cultural depiction of dinosaurs?

A. I was a big fan of Dippy at the Natural History museum. We miss you Dippy!

B. The purple one, Barney.

C. Jurassic Park. 'Clever girl'.

D. Nessie, she’s got style.

E. Godzilla. Or Crocosaurus. Has there been a crossover movie yet?

 

5. What do you fancy doing this weekend? I'm paying...

A. An escape the room please.

B. Go to a debate at the House of Commons? Jokes! Can we go play on the swings?

C. Obstacle course! With running! And monkey bars! And ropes! And mud!

D. Spa day!!!

E. All you can eat challenges. All of them.

 

6. Which are your favourite pair of shoes?

A. My Doc Martens, really they're worth the price and you can wear them for everything. 

B. My red ones.

C. My Fivefinger running shoes- you know, the ones that look like gloves for your feet? 

D. My Manolo Blahniks.

E. I am not going to pick. I love all my shoes equally and I have many.

 

7. What would you like for Christmas?

A. A big fluffy dressing gown.

B. Cheese.

C. 1. Nun chucks. 2. Nun chuck training.

D. Spa Day!!!

E. Home gym equipment and protein shakes.

 

And the results:

 

Mostly As

Congratulations you are a Brachiosaurus. You are a Sauropod, just like Dippy! You like leaves which is fair, dislike hills which is sensible and have a very long neck which is just great.

Mostly Bs

Who’s got two thumbs and a face that looks like a duck? This guy! Yep, you're an Ouranosaurus! You were one of the slowest moving dinos and you keep your teeth in your cheek. That’s okay though because you’re also a land dwelling animal who has a sail! LOL! Keep on keeping on Ouranosaurus!

Mostly Cs

Yes you’re a Borealopelta. You look a little bit like a hippo that someone has decorated, WITH ARMOUR! No one has ever managed to get a photo of you, probably because you can also CAMOUFLAGE YOURSELF?! How can they take your picture if you were never here...?

Mostly Ds

Well look at you! You’re a Mauisaurus! You also have a long neck but the low level lighting in the middle of the ocean is super flattering. If we're going to get "technical" you're not "technically" and "dinosaur", you're a Plesiosaur, but you've got so many teeth you can be whatever you want to be! And you were named after the legendary Maui! You’re welcome!

Mostly Es

Thought you were going to be a T-Rex didn’t you? Well you’re not. You’re a Spinosaurus and that’s EVEN BIGGER! You outweigh the T-Rex by a ton and a half. Your face looks like a crocodile and you have a sail, even though you live on land, which is AWESOME!

I like writing. I like writing more than I like pretty much anything else. And I've always done it. It's my go to- when I'm bored I write, when I'm sad I write, when I'm happy... you get the picture.

Recently a few people have asked for advice about writing. I'm not Shakespeare (he's dead and male and white) but I've completed the process of writing a novel so I was happy to give the advisory role a go. 

My first question- 'What kind of things do you write?'

The answer from the aforementioned parties was along the lines of- 
'I don't know.' 
'I haven't written anything because I don't think it'll be any good.'
And 'Nothing. I don't want anyone to read it.'

If you're giving this blog a read to find the secret of writing I'll tell you what I told them.

There is no secret. You just have to sit down and put pen to paper. You big wimp.

But in the spirit of helpfulness here is a list (because lists are great) of things you can do to get started and boost your writing confidence: 

1. Don't over complicate things. Don't launch straight into plotting your epic fantasy novel. Start small, write your ideas down or write a short story you can then develop. Allow yourself, your ideas and your writing time to grow.

2. Cut out the pressure. You're in control, no one is going to hijack your pc and publish your ramblings for the world to mock. First and foremost write for yourself- assume no one else will ever read it. Then as you get more confident start sharing it with people who support you (like your mum). 

3. Have fun. Write something that makes you chuckle or makes you feel something. Write something that you enjoy reading. If you like what you write chances are someone else will. 

4. Just write. The best advice I was given by a playwright friend, who in turn was given it by another writer, is write something everyday, even if it's nonsense. You might find ideas from half an hour of random notes becomes the plot twist in that epic fantasy novel. I use my travel time for writing, you can check out the #CreativeCommute Challenge I started  for people who do the same. It's amazing to lose yourself in words as you get the train to work. (In all honesty I'm writing this blog on the tube, will probably miss my stop.)

5. Dive right in. Go see plays and write a dramatic scene. Write a scene for TV. Write a poem. Write a blog. Write a short story. Try everything to see what you enjoy. Initially they may be rubbish, it doesn't matter. When I'm drafting I'll put something down knowing it's a bit weak but that I will fix it when I come back to redraft. There's no point in agonising over every word, get it down, let it flow and fix it later. 

It takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something, the more you write the better you'll get. So get going! It's really not as hard as you think.

Once upon a time I received constant emails from a source that claimed to have some money for me.

Dear Comerford,

I am confirming if you received my previous email regarding you having the same Surname with my late client Mr. A Comerford leaving in your name the sum of ( 5.5M usd. ) Please email me for more information.

Regards,
Edwin.

'Money?' you may say, 'How exciting.'

But no my naive friend. The money didn't really exist! I was being spammed. 

How best to respond? Ignore them? Block them? Or reply...

Dear Edwin,

I'm so sorry for my slow reply. I was terribly shocked and saddened to learn of Adam's passing. We had been very close when we were younger but I had not seen him for years. The last time we spent any amount of time together was at a family reunion. It was a wonderful event, we danced together- I think it was to Michael Jackson. Do you like Michael Jackson? I am a moderate fan I'd say. I could do without 'Earthsong', but I'm sure a lot of people out there would agree. 'Thriller' is my particular favourite, although I don't see the point of the radio edit- go long or go home I always say. I remember the first time I met Adam. I was an awkward teenager, visiting America for the first time. He picked me up in his truck and drove me back to the ranch. The farm had several cows, good equipment considering the economy at the time, a horse called Dominic and another called Zeus. They did have a problem with bats in the roofs of their outbuildings, but we tempted them away with bits of taffy (because bats love taffy) and they relocated elsewhere. It's wonderful his farm has bought so much money in. I always wondered about their gold room, I never made my way into it as it was in the attic. I had thought that it was just a room they painted gold, but from the size of the inheritance I can only assume it was a room filled to the brim with actual gold. Perhaps they had made furniture out of it? A golden hammock, a golden hot tub, a golden sofa bed? Or perhaps he was living a life of crime and the family had no idea? There is a history of law breaking in the Comerford's family tree. My great great uncle Christopher P Comerford was a bootlegger during the prohibition. He made the strongest moonshine in the western territories and used to smuggle it into the Speakeasys using ornamental jugs with flowers in them. 'People always trust daisies' that's an old family saying passed down from the 1920s. Anyway please donate the inheritance to a charity, I know Adam was very interested in the welfare of bats, guinea pigs and old wicker furniture. If you could find a charity that encompasses all three of those things I'm sure you would make Adam very happy. Of course keep a sum for yourself for your services, however much you think is fair.

Many thanks,

Comerford

Surprisingly enough I stopped receiving emails from them after that. 

Writer 1 - Spammer nil

Looking forward to the next time someone rings me about the injury I received in the car accident that wasn't my fault... I'll let you know how that goes...

I LOVE Young Adult fiction. I’m obsessed with the ‘Hunger Games’ and I’m currently devouring Cassandra Clare’s ‘Lady Midnight’. It’s the pace and the imagination that makes these books so great. Authors push boundaries when they’re writing for this market and that’s why a lot of ‘Old Adults’, myself included, will drift over to the Teenage Fiction section of the Library. I didn’t realise that there was something missing until I sat down to write a blog…

In my novel Afterlife the first part of the book is from the perspective of Eve, who is mixed race (like me). So I thought I’d compile a list of the top five BAME (Black, Asian, Minority Ethnic) lead characters in British YA fiction. I came up with a few characters, but there was a problem, they were all written by the same (admittedly awesome) author, Malorie Blackman. Whilst I would happily write a blog solely about my favourite Malorie Blackman characters, I thought I could only really give her one slot here- maybe two at a push…

So I cast my net again and came up with… Hermione Granger, who is now being played by a black actor in London’s West End. JK Rowling had said she never specified Hermione’s race, causing super-fans to trawl the books for proof. Can Hermione have a slot in my BAME countdown when she is synonymous with the lovely (very Caucasian) Emma Watson? No- the books aren’t called Hermione Granger and the blahdeblah are they? No matter how many times she saved Harry’s arse...

And that’s it.

That’s all I’ve got from British fiction.

So I widened my search to all YA fiction that I myself have read or watched…

And came up with nothing.

Zilch.

Sweet fanny adams.

So I looked online I tried to find some BAME characters that I could read up on and then use in my blog. Then I stopped, because it really shouldn’t be this difficult.

There must be BAME characters out there, but they’re not at the forefront of the genre. And they’re not in the Hollywood movies. I can easily rattle off my top five YA movie franchises- Hunger Games, Divergent, Maze Runner, Twilight, Harry Potter and the main characters are all white- very pale and sparkly in some cases.

So in this pioneering section of the literary world why is everyone white?

Authors often write characters that look like them. It makes sense, you can add in personal touches that helps to bring them to life. My character Eve has the same problems with her unruly afro as I do. So are there no BAME authors? I doubt it. Or are they under represented by agents and publishers? When you’re an indie publisher it’s much harder to get your characters out there.

In my trip around the internet I came across a very insightful article by Beth Kemp who says that her BAME students struggle to find characters who look like them in fiction and then produce fiction which has a white protagonist, regardless of their own ethnicity. Scary stuff, if work with white protagonists inspires work with white protagonists, the literary world could end up spiralling away from the real world instead of acting as a mirror.

But do not despair! Campaigns for greater diversity in books already exist with one of the strongest voices being the aforementioned Malorie Blackman. BitchMedia.org (great name) and A Mighty Girl are great resources for diverse books (Thanks for the recommendations Rifa!). There is also the We Need Diverse Books Campaign. I’ll be getting involved in whatever I can and not just to help promote my own work. I’ve genuinely shocked myself, on TV and in movies we can all see an effort being made to include characters of all backgrounds, but I never twigged that this was missing from the books I loved.

If anyone wants to send over recommendations of books with BAME lead characters I’d love to read them- and books with LGBT lead characters as well – and books with disabled lead characters -  and, actually, books with straight white leads too. Let’s read the rainbow! 

 

----

Afterlife is released on 17th April and is available to pre-order on Amazon

You can listen to the Afterlife Podiobook for free for a limited time

There's loads of fascist chat being thrown around at present, so, I thought I'd join in with my '5 reasons why Britain should invade France.'

1. It'll solve the immigration "problem"

People want to come to the UK because it is safe, it has a strong economy and treats it's citizens fairly (comparatively- I don’t like our Tory government but it’s better than the Taliban). So let’s get rid of those things and no one will want to move here! If we went to war with France we'd need to re-introduce conscription and call up our citizens to fight. France are close enough to launch artillery barges and our southern towns and cities would be bombed- that'll put off the refugees trying to escape war in their own countries. And there's a good chance our economy will tank when the rest of the world imposes economic sanctions. Sorted.

2. Wine

Is brilliant in this country, general consensus is that we want it and we're prepared to invade to get it.

3. Cheese.

See above.

4. No more Brexit chat.

All the chat about whether the UK should leave the EU could stop as the EU would probably just throw us out. Think about all the time that would save! No party political broadcasts, no articles, no debates - the politicians can spend their time in the War Room instead. And we can all free up some tine on 23rd June because we don't have to go to the polls. Maybe we could have a BBQ... if we haven’t been conscripted.

5. It's Traditional

We love tradition in Britain! There are loads of traditions that still apply regardless of how little sense they make, like men being paid more than women, Estate Agents and not being allowed to eat swan. Being at war with France is nothing if not traditional! As a nation we’ve spent a lot of time at war with the French (Hundred Years War anyone?). In this time of upheaval there’s nothing better than falling back on an old comforting tradition- it would be like the military equivalent of a Yorkshire pudding. And, if we win, we could start rebuilding the empire again!  Brilliant!

Other points in favour of invading France

- It’s close enough to swim to

- They never give us the top points in Eurovision

-Most of us learnt French at school so would be able to ask for directions, although we'd have to set up our camps in libraries and swimming pools... Ou est le piscine? 

- Rationing would help sort out the obesity crisis

- Paris is nice, we should own that

- Nice is nice but we'd need to change its name to avoid confusion

-Champagne

- They've got a sunny bit at the bottom

 

Who's with me?!

 

Ps. In case you’re worried this blog is tongue in cheek, if we end up going to war with France I accept no responsibility at all – although if I am that influential there’s a few other changes I’d like to suggest,  like better trains and always being able to take your dog to work…

There’s a lot about to inspire the dystopianly inclined…

Donald Trump is now the clear front runner to become the Republican candidate for the Presidency of the USA. The man who promised to build a wall to keep 'the Mexicans' out, who apparently routes for global warming (“It’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!”) and who wants to ban all Muslims from entering the US, could soon be the most powerful man in the world. I am fighting the urge to run down the street, wearing nothing but a cardboard box, screaming 'It's the end of days!'

But then I have to fight that urge a lot- less the semi-naked shouting, more the feeling that so many changes going on around us herald 'The beginning of the end.' I can't lump myself in with the current dystopian superstars; the Suzanne Collins', the Veronica Roths and the James Dashners of the world (ONLY because my book's not out yet ;-p) but I'd imagine there is a certain type of mind that looks at a situation and immediately imagines the worst possible outcome. 

Like Brexit. 

In the UK we are currently in the grips of a ferocious debate on whether to leave the EU. This is chiefly a financial decision for a lot of people, is it going to better or worse for big businesses, for farmers, for the welfare of tax payers? However I can't help but see it as Britain closing its doors. Weirdly, in world of my novel, this could very well have happened, leading Britain down an insolated path, to the totalitarian dictatorship my story is set in. If we end up with a Christian dictatorship in fifty years’ time I will definitely be saying ‘I told you so’ (very quietly, whilst pretending to pray).

Then there’s targeting the grey gene. 

Scientists have found a way to stop people going grey prematurely. Great in theory. A friend once told me that I needed to be more of an optimist. He believes that the future will be brilliant, thanks to science, and I really hope he's right. However, when I read about scienctists defeating the grey gene, my mind starts whirring. Perhaps this is just the first step on the way to scientists stopping ageing completely. Humans will live forever. There will be inevitable wars between countries, or even generations. Life will become an epic struggle amongst immortals for dominance and space. It's the beginning of the end!

It will probably be far less sinister, we might just end up looking young for a bit longer, but who knows where science will take us? (The end of days?!)

Or Fortress Europe.

We are living through the worst humanitarian crisis in generations. It actually is the end of days for the poor people drowning as they try and reach Europe. There's no need to imagine the worse here, it's already happening. Millions of people are travelling to Europe in the search of a safe life. Countries are closing their borders and squabbling about how many people they take in, whilst their planes continue to bomb the places where these migrants used to live. It’s a reminder of exactly how bad things can get, of the depths of misery one section of humanity will allow to happen to another.

The other.

There are walls- or at least huge fences with barbed wire - being thrown up to protect territories. These walls are put up to protect the established norm from 'the other'. And as a lover of history, I know that emphasis on 'the other' never leads anywhere good. Remember Hitler? 'The other' was the Jews and a nation went along with it. So when Trump makes the Mexicans and the Muslims core campaign issues and a significant number of the American voting public lap it up, alarm bells start ringing.

Keeping it real.

But there’s no reason to panic (yet). Even if Trump becomes President he’d still have to get his laws through Congress. Before the EU, Britain was a relatively sensible democratic place so, assumedly, would go back to that if we did vote to leave. Science probably won’t cause a war between the generations, with grandparents, desperate to retain control, hunting down their offspring, outwitting them at every turn with their superior wisdom…

Our predecessors.

Dystopian fiction is by no means a new thing. Aldus Huxley’s ‘A Brave New World’ was written in 1932, during the Depression, and set in the chilling 26th century. George Orwell’s nightmarish vision of the future ‘1984’ was written in 1949, as the world recovered from the Second World War and adjusted to the Nuclear age. And in 1985, as the internet came into being, Margaret Atwood (who's still going strong) penned ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’, set in a future America where a religious theocracy has reduced women to little more than child bearers.

These novels were written at times of scientific and political change. I say that with complete confidence because it is ALWAYS a time of scientific and political change. Progress marches on relentlessly, inspiring art and terror in equal measure.

Paranoid pessimists?

Trump, Brexit, Fortress Britain… I think they do make it easier for dystopian writers, because it creates a demand for our books. Readers can take a break from fearing the worst to visit a place where the worst has already happened, but where there are characters who still survive, fight and love. And perhaps that is the true power of dystopian fiction, it titillates the little part of us that loves to be scared, it provides warnings of where our actions might lead and it shows humanity’s ability to endure. In the dark fog of the future, dystopian fiction can provide a small ray of hope.

Now where did I put my box…?

 

-----

The first episode of Afterlife the podiobook is available free on iTunes

Afterlife the ebook is available to pre-order on Amazon