Meghan Palmer's Blog

The summer always gets away from me. I mean to blog and post on social media, but my life feels too full to stop and do these things.

There are family vacations and summer camps, the comforting and somehow oppressive rhythm of hot, humid days stretched long and fat here in my forested valley.

Between parenting, freelancing and the constant rudder shifting in the current of my life, I don’t often have the life force to spend on writing for a public eye. See, I’ve alluded to this in past posts, but I haven’t made it a major topic yet, so here goes: I have an autoimmune disease. Or maybe I should take out the article and just say I have autoimmune disease. Because the more I learn about this nebulous condition, I realize it’s not a cut-and-dry, easily categorized kind of situation. And there are often multiple kinds of antibodies present in the blood that point to various types of autoimmunity, all at once. What does it mean? My body was overwhelmed with something, somethings more likely, and stopped recognizing friend from foe. Now my immune system attacks me. I am my own worst enemy, on a physiological level.

Is there a cure? Maybe. The average woman spends at least 10 years trying to get a diagnosis, because mainstream medicine dismisses her as “that” kind of patient. The symptoms are vague and varied, including persistent exhaustion, increasing food intolerances and IBS, depression, extreme anxiety, estrogen and progesterone imbalance leading to perimenopause hot flashes, mood swings and insomnia, loss of brain function (otherwise known whimsically as brain fog) and an overall “hangover” feeling. There are other things, too, like weight gain, loss of the outer third of the eyebrows, hair loss. So many mainstream medical practitioners don’t want to spend the time to do the extensive testing necessary to figure out what’s really wrong, and further–what the root cause might be. Autoimmune disease doesn’t happen spontaneously. There is an unholy trinity: a genetic disposition, a persistent infection (viral, bacterial or fungal), and a time of extreme stress to push it all into a merrily burning dumpster fire.

The good news is that while you can’t change your genetics, you can track down your persistent infections (mold in your home, past persistent mono, Lyme disease are three very common versions) and take herbs to help. You can take vitamins and various medications. And you can do the hardest work of all: learn how to love your body again, after its monstrous betrayal. You have to learn to do this. Have to. Because it’s the key to getting better. But, hoo boy, it’s the hardest thing I’ve had to do.

The most heartbreaking part of all is that cheeky brain fog. Sounds kind of cute, doesn’t it? Oh, lookit Meg, she’s forgetting to get gas or buy groceries again. But it’s so much worse than that. It’s having a few lucid days, where my characters speak to me and the rich worlds of my imagination spin out with absolute joy. If you’ve ever experienced the state of flow, you know how it feels like you’re touching the true matter of existence itself. But then comes the day I sit down to write, and the story unravels. It dissolves like paper in the ocean. I can’t string the thoughts together, can’t make the words come. It’s not writers’ block. It’s senility. It’s terrifying.

I don’t look sick. Sometimes that’s the thing those close to me cling to, when they don’t know what else to say, “But you look good!”

There’s a parasite on my soul. Something vampiric is siphoning my energy, my happiness, my youth and leaving me an old woman in my thirties.

But I fight it, every goddamned day. Sometimes the battle looks like a nap, sometimes it looks like taking a sunlit walk. It’s telling myself I’m worth the fight, worthy of grace. That’s harder than I ever would have thought. Try it. Try telling yourself, in your darkest moments, that you are WORTHY. You’ll see what I mean. I’ve tried multiple doctors, herbalists, functional medical providers. I’ve learned to walk away when I’m ignored or dismissed. I’ve read and read and read and taught myself, because I have to.

If you’re reading this and thinking that you or someone you love might be experiencing something similar, here are three resources that quite possibly saved my life: the book Toxic, by Dr. Nathan, Dr. Aviva Romm‘s website, and Dr. Isabella Wentz‘s website. Good old Google is helpful, but be careful of falling down the doom-holes. My advice is to only read the stuff that gives you hope, not the stuff that makes you fear you’ll die decades early or have to have debilitating surgery.

So what does any of this have to do with writing? I suspect most people already know the answer: writing is life. And this is my life. It’s very difficult for me to bare my soul in this way; it’s the one thing about our internet-connected lives I’ve never liked: we give too many people access to our private selves, and are therefore diminished. But in these past years I’ve gone from someone who stood in solidarity for those women who felt ignored and harmed by the establishment to one of those women myself. So if only one reader gets a feeling of connectedness and hope from what I have to say, then right on.

One more thing: don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t need that. Cheer me on, in your mind, but don’t feel sorry. And know that I’m clawing my way out of this, and I’m really fucking proud of myself.

I’m still writing. I’m editing one novel (never a fun process, but still rewarding) and working on the first draft of another.

Haints is still well-received. It seems the Kindle version is pretty popular on Amazon, and I frequently have to replenish hard copies on my local Knoxville stores: Ijams Nature Center, Union Ave, Whimsy and a Dream, Bear Den Books, Tonya Rea’s Tea. If you’re looking for a great autumn read, Haints has all the cozy/creepy juxtaposition you could want

Until next time, Meg the writer is signing off.

Book reviews are always fraught–with the great reviews always come the bad. I’ve posted the two Amazon reviews I have above. They’re the kind of reviews an author dreams about! But I kind of (just kind of) wish I had a few more lukewarm or even negative reviews. Why? Because that would mean that many more of my readers had posted! I welcome feedback! If you’ve read Haints, please take a moment to review it. If you didn’t purchase on Amazon, feel free to shoot me a review on social media. Click here to get to my Instagram account, and here for Facebook.

Books sell by word of mouth. I’ve had readers tell me they sent a copy of Haints to a friend in New Zealand (how cool is that?) and that a podcast out of California reviewed Haints, though I haven’t found the episode. If you guys are Reading Glasses podcast fans, and you find the episode that mentions my book, PLEASE let me know!

It’s always exciting to hear there’s been buzz about my book. I hear from friends and family who’ve read it, which really boosts my day, but the best gift you can give any artist is helping to get their name and work out there in the public eye. So … please post reviews :).

Get your copy of Haints at BookBaby by clicking here!

Get your copy of Haints on Amazon by clicking here!

I was recently asked to write an introduction and some questions to accompany my book, Haints, for a local book club. Here’s what I wrote (no spoilers!):

Headshot of the writer. (That’s me!)

When my family moved to rural southern Appalachia, I was eleven years old. The culture shock was palpable; everything from the language to clothing to the quality of sunlight was different from everything I’d ever known in my early childhood near Tampa, Florida. Feeling like a foreigner in one’s own country leaves a deep impression.

Our farm in Hancock County was geographically near where one of my ancestors, a Civil War veteran, had lived and farmed. But the distance of generations and the tide of time–not to mention the culture, heavily revolving around the Baptist church–made me always a little bit apart from the families who grew up in the area. At the confluence of our beautiful farm, which is recognizable in the Whitts’ land, my curiosity and distant blood connection to those who inherited the sights and sounds of Appalachia, and the foreignness of myself in the deep country, Haints was formed.

There is something else inherent in the magical realism of the story: layers of culture all mixed up. Indigenous culture, Appalachian “hillbilly” culture, and modern life make a stew of superstition and shamanistic connection to the land that seems fantastical but is more accurate than folks “not from around here” might realize.

Book Club Questions:

In the introduction, I discuss the mixed layers of culture in rural southern Appalachia. Where in the book did mixed cultures stand out for you?Haints are a southern American concept in multiple communities. A notable example of this is in South Carolina, where descendants of African slaves—Gulla Geechee people—hold cultural beliefs about the color blue keeping haints away. It’s why many Southern porch roofs are painted “haint blue!” Haints also came with those of European ancestry, and the superstitions about them settled in remote mountain communities. I took creative liberties with the haints in my book. What do the haints, as I wrote them, symbolize for you? Are they literal carnivorous ghosts, or something less obvious?Family is integral to this story. Traditions, obligations, superstitions and, of course, love all play their role. Did you relate to one of the Whitts in particular, or perhaps their neighbors? In what way?I write and read for the simple pleasure of storytelling. But I do enjoy when I catch on to a well-described scene or striking metaphor. In Haints, did any particular scene or overall concept strike you as a reader?The Whitt family members all have a certain “shine.” If you had a shine, what would it be? (Or, what would you like it to be?)

If you’d like me to appear at your book club meeting, reach out! If you’re “not from around here,” I could attend by zoom or some other technological marvel.

Haints by Meghan Palmer is easily found at:

https://store.bookbaby.com/book/haints

Or on Amazon, ordered through your local bookstore, or in Knoxville shops: Whimsy & A Dream, Ijams gift shop, Tonya Rea’s, and Union Ave Book Store.

I’ve been busy with my day job and family, but I’ve been able to make some time for talking Haints and literary miscellany with small audiences over the past weeks.

If you’re looking for a place to buy my novel, Haints, here’s a link to the book shop at BookBaby: CLICK HERE. You can also scroll to the bottom of the blog for more purchasing options.

At one of my favorite local beverage shops, Tonya Rea’s Tea, I met up with a reader who could easily have sprung from the pages of Haints. In a totally surreal instance of life imitating art, this lovely woman reached out to tell me that Whitt (the name of the main characters in Haints) was a family name, and that her ancestry included both Cherokee and European folk–just like the characters in my story. She pointed out things in Haints that reminded her of her mother’s traditions and superstitions. She even asked me if I had researched her family to write the story. (I hadn’t!)

It was so much fun to discuss the story with her. She consented to my using her photo, so here we are discussing Haints over herbal tea!

Me with a reader who could have sprung from the pages of my book, Haints.

In an equally fun book club appearance, I answered lots of questions about my creative process and Appalachian Magical Realism. One reader asked me where the Whitts go from here, after this part of the story is over … I had to demur! I don’t talk about works in progress, or stuff that’s simmering on my mental back burner. It completely wilts the magic.

Talking Haints with a Knoxville book club.

If you’re looking for your own copy of Haints, you can find it in several local shops in Knoxville: Ijams gift shop, Union Ave book store, Whimsy & A Dream, and Tonya Rea’s Tea Shop. Online, you can find it at Amazon (click here) or BookBaby (click here.)

Don’t feel shy about reaching out with questions or thoughts about the book! As you can see, I get jazzed about connecting with readers.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Meghan Palmer (@megpalmerwrites)

An excerpt from Haints by the author (that’s me!)

I’m trying something new today — well, two new things, really. I’m putting a short reading from Haints on Instagram Reels, and I’m posting the link here on the blog.

For all you other authors out there, have you tried Reels? What do you think? Direct message or leave a comment on the blog to let me know!

I woke up too early this morning. It’s Saturday, and I desperately tried to keep my eyes squinty to avoid activating the wake-up signal in my pineal gland while I emptied my bladder, hoping to shuffle back to the fluffy-warm abyss of my bed and sink down to comforting darkness and stolen early-morning sleep. But maybe my pineal gland is like a frog’s, which is shielded from the light only by a Saran-wrap-like film of skin on its head, so when the photons pass through, well … it’s get-your-ass-up time.

So I lay there, thinking about culture. I’m sure the reason for this is somewhere drifting below that pesky pineal gland, where my ideas muck about with each other until a few of them coalesce into a square-dance that becomes my particular brand of story. Also, my back was aching — I’m approaching middle age, and anyone over the age of 35 will understand when I say that, in this stage of life, lying down too long leads to a baffling amount of discomfort.

Me, in a state of non-early-morning alertness!

Early morning thoughts on culture:

Increasingly, our times are becoming an era of wiping out individuals in favor of generalization. Of fitting people, or ideas, or, yes, books into sorted, exclusive camps or teams or genres. If you pay attention to social media or television or podcasts, you know what I mean. You might be wondering, at this point in my meandering, “Where the hell is she going with this?” Just this: what if it doesn’t have to be that way? (It’s not. It’s not that way. None of us is only one thing.)

People are complex. Cultures, and sub-cultures, and sub-sub-cultures are complex.

Books are complex, too. In fact, my very favorite books are complex, and hard to place. Ok, some books, like Harry Potter, are pretty cut-and-dry in the old genre placement, but the ones that tickle that sub-pineal spot and won’t let me go are the stories that surprise me. For example, in Stephen King’s Dark Tower series — sci-fi, fantasy, horror — there is tucked in a love story so poignant that I cried each of the first two or three times I read it. I’m told Mr. King actually published Roland’s youthful love story for the first time in Playboy … so maybe some dudes really did read it for the stories. (hehehe.)

On Haints:

The people in my book know all about cultural mash-up. The Whitts have a complicated genealogy: Indigenous, European settlers, obscure intermingling of different branches of the human family tree. They live as neighbors to folks of all kinds of beliefs — most of which would seem to condemn the homespun witchiness of the Whitt family to a fiery fate. The Whitts are purely spun from my imagination, with the people I saw around me in childhood as my inspiration-spark.

But I got them right.

A sweet reader contacted me through Facebook (which you can do, too, if you want: @megpalmerwrites) to tell me her family was just like the Whitts: mixed Black Dutch and Cherokee, plus European ancestry. She can remember her mother’s superstitions, and wondered if I hadn’t researched her own, actual family to write my book.

I didn’t. I’d never heard of her family; I had chosen the names based on common Appalachian names, and I had spun the tale from that primordial goop that dances with the glitter of moments and impressions that sparkle and map out constellations of story. If I sound enamored with the process of writing … wouldn’t you be? How is this kind of reality-fiction crossing not a form of magic?

There is a piece of wisdom in the world of advertising and marketing, where I have my day job: cast too wide a net, and you’ll catch no fish. Counterintuitively, the more general your target audience, the fewer people are interested in your message. Get specific with your writing. Get detailed, and individual, and don’t worry about which “camp” you’re trying to appeal to. Write to an audience of one. Write to yourself, to your lover, to that little kid you were best friends with twenty-three years ago, back in the old neighborhood. You’ll be surprised at who is touched by your story, even if it seems too specific, or too weird or cross-genre. Because, ultimately, human beings really do have more in common than it seems, and it’s the small details that sometimes bring us together.

Buy Haints: through BookBaby, bookshop.org, Amazon, through your local bookstore (ask them to order Haints by Meghan Palmer.) If you’re local to Knoxville, buy Haints at Ijams, Tonya Rea’s Tea Shop, Union Ave bookstore, or Whimsy and a Dream.

I’m a fan of New Year’s Resolutions, whatever you might call them — goals, hopes, etc. Some people think the concept is hokey. Or maybe they’re intimidated by the thought of making big, mountainous goals that will be abandoned by the end of February.

I guess I get that. But I’m constantly re-adjusting those things I’d like to achieve, and I’m kind of an epic-minded person anyway. I’m always wishing for (planning and striving for, really) financial independence, travel adventures, better health, more peace in my daily life. Not little goals, I know.

This year, the rosy 2022 that’s already smoldering into a hot mess for many of us, I have a mixture of big goals and little goals. I’ll share one goal with you, but that’s it. See, in pursuit of this resolution — to read more what I call “munchie” books and also more classic works of literature — I stumbled across one of the better literary introductions I’ve read in a long while. It’s printed in the opening pages of “A Death in the Family” by James Agee. The introduction is written by Steve Earle, a prolifically multi-talented artist who lived for a time in Knoxville (where I live), which is the setting for the aforementioned Agee novel.

The moonrise through the trees at my home. Makes for a good atmosphere for contemplating my identity as a writer.

Earle wrote a lot of things worth reading in his introduction, but one of the concepts that really stuck out to me is this: “There can be too much light.” He’s referring to artists (or producers, publishers, etc.) who reveal all the parts of themselves and their creative processes to the public eye. Honestly, he wasn’t even referring to social media, and its rampant oversharing. He was talking about releasing song outtakes, or including cut scenes from movies or chapters that were edited out of the original publications. Part of the character of a piece of art (I paraphrase) is that the artist, editor, etc. had put out the best possible version already. That’s how the thing was intended to be experienced.

There are lots of artists out there who disagree, who live their lives in an aggressive state of self-exposure. Who post every hangover, every intimate moment, every version and draft, editing nothing out.

I’m not a fan of perfection. In fact, I think sometimes it’s the imperfections that lift a voice, or a passage or painting up to the divine. But I am a believer in privacy. The human psyche doesn’t do well with too many observers. And I think … maybe all those different drafts of my books are a map of my thoughts, in a way. And, really, those are none of your business.

I’m several chapters into Agee’s book. I wholeheartedly recommend it, for the opening passages alone — the man turns lawn-watering into a heart-breaking cacophony for the senses.

Happy New Year, all! I hope — on the balance — it’s a good one.

If one of your resolutions is to read more, consider buying Haints, my debut novel. You can find it on BookBaby, Amazon or your local bookstore. Or, choose BookShop.org, where you can select an independent bookstore to benefit from your purchase.

Listen: I have something to tell all you “aspiring writers” out there. I used the quotes because if that’s what you’re calling yourself, close the laptop and GTFO. You’re either writing or not. There are other ways to distinguish yourself, if you feel presumptuous or insecure enough to want to qualify your title. Maybe writer vs. author, with the latter only coming out when you have a real, live book in hand.

But that’s not what I really want to tell you.

Here it is, the real secret: people want to help you.

If you’ve really put in the work–the real, serious work–of writing a book. You’ve edited and rewritten it so many times that it starts to feel like self-flagellation instead of anything remotely creative. If you’ve done your research and come to the understanding that there aren’t any shortcuts, and you’ll have to put in the time, effort and yes, money, to make your book a real, live thing. If you’ve, in short, done your actual best and not the grade-school, participation-ribbon approximation of it, then you’ll get more help and support than you realized you would.

Please understand that you’ll have to put yourself out there for it. You’ll need to research the popular local blogs and ask them to review your book. You’ll need to approach boutique owners and small bookstores. You’ll need to humbly go around with stacks of books in your arms like a street peddler from the turn of last century, and you’ll need to ask–with the expectation of being turned away–“Would you be interested in selling my book?”

This poster went up in the Old City in Knoxville to advertise my book launch.

I’ve been turned down and ignored, it’s true. But, honestly, I’ve been received with open arms more than I thought I would. My local bookstore put Haints on the shelf within ten minutes of my walking through the door. Inside of Knoxville wrote a positive review. My friends’ boutique regularly advertises the book on their social media accounts, and have encouraged me to host a reading at their store–which I’ll do, next week. A freelance client (turned part-time boss) graciously hosted a book launch for me at her gallery space. If this sounds like an embarrassment of riches, it is! Am I on the bestsellers lists anywhere? No, admittedly. And I’m not seeing thousands of dollars in sales–not by a long shot. I’m no overnight celebrity.

Our warped sense of success, as a society, comes from some kind of magical combination of going viral (electronic fate) and being known worldwide, and wildly rich. I’m none of those things. But my book’s fans–I have a few fans! Isn’t that cool!?–approach me with real commentary about the parts of Haints that touched them, that made them think and relate. I used to dream about having those discussions.

If you’re really a writer, then it’s all about the story. And if it’s a good story, and you do the work for it, then, yes, people will help you out.

When you’re a writer, you concern yourself only with what’s in your mind and what makes it onto the page. Story, atmosphere, characters, heart and soul: these are the daily concerns of a writer.

When you become an author, you find yourself concerned with a new geographical region of the brain: logistics. Anyone who has seen a news headline over the past weeks has heard about the supply chain crisis. Book publishers in particular are hard hit by the shipping fiasco playing out in our ports right now. Lots and lots of books are printed in China these days.

One of the reasons I chose to publish Haints with BookBaby is they print books at their press in Pennsylvania. Yes, right there, with ink and American paper, and real, live hands to take my story and make it something to hold.

My book, Haints, making an appearance at Ijams Nature Center.

So if you’re looking for a literary gift this holiday season, give the BookBaby shop a look-see. There are lots of great indie authors to browse there! And take a stroll to your nearest independent booksellers. Any bookstore can order books, even if they aren’t on the shelves. (This includes Haints!) Here are some shops local to Knoxville with great stuff, who (bonus!) also sell Haints:

Union Ave BooksWhimsy & A DreamIjams Nature Center

Are you planning to give books this holiday season? Comment to tell me where you’re buying them. (No wrong answers )

Some of the feedback I’m getting from readers of Haints is that it’s “homespun witchy” (I love this description!) and beautiful (I love this, too.) But I’m most delighted by how many readers are commenting on the symbolism or metaphor they pick up from Haints. It’s not so much the fact that people are noticing metaphor … it’s the way they tell me about it. The layers of meaning in Haints seem to catch people by surprise. When they mention it to me, it’s always with a hint of happiness … like, “Well, that was unexpected!”

My book, Haints, on the shelf at Union Ave!

YEEESSS! Metaphor should pop up out of nowhere, because it should feel like a deeply personal way to tie in your own life experiences to the story on the pages in front of you. It should feel like personal recognition, when you begin to see the layers of meaning in a book you enjoy. So, for those who happily told me they saw metaphor in my story–thank you! What a compliment!

I’m firmly in the camp of writers who believe heavy-handed allegory is the worst. First, foremost, and overwhelmingly, my purpose in writing a book is entertainment. I want readers to be interested in the characters, the setting, the action. I want them to want more! When I finish a book I like, I close the cover and wish I could hang out with those paper people a little longer. That’s what I’m hoping readers get from Haints. Any perceived metaphor is a sweet, sweet frosting on top.

If you’d like to meet my characters yourself, buy the eBook from BookBaby or Amazon. You can also preorder paperbacks from those places until December 7, then you’ll be able to simply order them. (Amazon has weird presale requirements.) If you’re local to Knoxville, stop in Union Ave bookstore for your paperback, or Whimsy & A Dream.