Bandile M. Matsenjwa's Blog

♡ ♡
             For Phile♡

All I need to write you a poem is the first word to complete the first line
I'm head over heels when I have to write you the first rhyme
I've seen every type of love out there, but you make me feel like it's my first time
I get frantic when I think about you, like i just got my first dime
No dime, no rhyme, I wanna love you like I'm next to die
Treat you right because you're here when others left
I hope I'm right, I wanna give you my left side
We've both been hurt before, but we both have a good side
I can't fight the urge of the pictures flashing my mind as you glide
Elegant lass, I have my arms opened wide
I mean I wanna make you smile on your sad days
Massage your body during your stressed days
You're looking beautiful, it ain't even your best day
Some wanna love like us,
Some wanna see us fail like Titus Livius
You are the best thing I ever had like the Vespa crabro to Americans
My intentions are unlike those of shenanigans
From here on, I wanna carry you like you're my lagan
Polytheistic beliefs are dead to me, you make me believe in God
You're a masterpiece, so He took His and perfectly made you
So beautiful mademoiselle, I love you
Like:
I'd love you to be the Her in my I
I don't have an Iphone on my sight, but you'd be the apple of my eye
Beasts grawn at your soul
I just wanna hold your body and calm your soul
Cinderellas are still trying to find the glass slipper
And, I just wanna be your heart keeper
So let me tell you this;

You're a queen to me, so I'll treat you like a might
My light
God's manifestation, God looks good on you
I want to keep you in my embrace until you pull away from me.
I want to spoil you like crazy without my pride getting in the
way.
I want to make you flustered and nervous and keep you interested in your ambitions as well
Maybe sometimes I go crazy when you enter the edge of my vision
But loving you is my mission
There's a maddening storm of emotions whirling inside me.
And it's called love
I hope even when I'm twisted and flawed
You can find the courage to pick and deal with the rotten dog in me

Its the blue ticks you send towards hee when too busy to tell her that at least "you busy"
It's the short calls when she wants to talk to you longer
It’s the texts you answer at your convenience.
It’s the snaps you look at then put down your phone.
Its putting friends first before her.

It’s every like when you’re bored because you’re wondering
what she’s up to.
It’s every canceled plan when something better comes along.
It’s the attention you give that’s the bare minimum.
But she takes it.
Yeah she takes it
Because at least for that moment, she has your time and
attention when she’s always given you all of hers.
It’s every surprise you take for granted.
Even though, she thought a lot about it for a while. It’s not caring enough to even consider reciprocating those things.
It’s the favor if you need one, that always goes answered
every time.
Even though she’d never ask the same.
It’s the nights she wishes would turn into the morning but
you have some sort of other agenda, as you say goodbye.
You label her as easy to read. Because the truth is you know
if you want her you can have her. And where is the fun in
that?
Where is the fun in someone only caring about you?
Where is the fun in honesty?
Where is the fun in love when
everyone is chasing after
questionable likes?
But the truth is you’re losing her and not even realizing it.
You lose her a little more every time you don’t answer.
You lose her a little more every time you cancel plans.
You lose her a little more every time you choose someone
else when the only person she’s ever chosen is you.
You lose her a little more every time you don’t appreciate
her.
You lose her a little more every time you take her for granted.
You lose her a little more every time she goes to bed
wondering, ‘why aren’t I enough for him?’
But what she doesn’t realize, as these feelings she has for
you, blinds her of the truth.
She’s more than enough for you.
It’s you that isn’t good enough for her.
Because if you were worthy of her, you’d realize her value.
But one day you’ll lose her for good. Because she’s going to
get to a point where there’s nothing more she has to offer
and she’ll walk away. And it’ll hurt her to do so.
Because she looked at you with wide eyes full of faith that depleted over
time.

One day she’ll be the one not answering.
One day those snaps you send will be ignored and you’ll
send another just in case.
It’ll irk the shit out of you, the
moment she starts treating you
the way you treated her.
You’ll ask her out and she’ll politely decline.
You’ll blow up her newsfeed and begin to become more
interested in what she is up to but more than that who she’s
with.
Because it’s not you that’s making her smile anymore.
You’ll miss the nights when she laid beside you and all she
ever wanted to do was talk.
The silence will kill you, as you
wish for just one more conversation.
You’ll hold onto everything she ever got you and it’ll be a
hurtful reminder of the girl who loved you just a little too
much.
And maybe you’ll look back and remember there wasn’t
mystery to her.
But there was an honesty you’ve never known in someone.
She didn’t play games like the others.
She’s the type of girl that ruins
people in the best way and you’ve
become just another victim.
And as you fumble through girl after girl, you’ll find
something in them all missing.
It’ll be in them you look for her but she will never be found.

Honda Fit

I know a girl who gives me palpitations of a higher magnitude
Whenever she walks by, my earth quakes, I guess she sends signals through millibars
Her face is a universe, eyes like thrilling stars
And the feeling starts....
I call her Rover, she comes from an exotic Range
Curves like vines, poisonous hips
I bet roses smell bitter compared to her scrumptious lips
Girl is shaped like a Coca-Cola bottle
Turning a blind eye that she's empty when the sweetness is gone
She's the type of girl all the boys wanna smash
A Coca-Cola bottle on 7.8millibars, they have dropped her, luckily she never smashed
She has turned into a port where boys park their genitals
She lost herself, trying to please friends
Following trends
She plays the bitching part in the ends
Caring about designer clothes
Focusing on who's hot and got the best flows
She likes making noise, like an empty can
If she was a mother, I'm sure she'd be packing tins of empty Nan
They call her Honda, she just wanted to Fit

Her friends gave her short garments
Took her to the club, she's eyed by barmans
A 100 degree lass, so hot
Immaculately polished with the western color on her skin
I love her, even if they toss her out the bin
She's a Honda, she just wanna fit

They told her, she should wear it if it fits
So she, wears it even if it shows off her tits
It fits
So once the lads get her under the sheets
They ignore her like she's a 3am punch
She's a car man, she has an engine
She has feelings, why treat her like a nonetity
Lads wanna pave her road with semen
And pretend
Nothing ever happened
She wants to be loved
Take a look at her,
A very beautiful car
Getting tossed around
There's an accident, she's there
Somebody tell her she's not crazy
She must stop cause YOLO can leave her with a baby
And she can't raise it...
I love her, if I could, she'd be my baby

They call her hips speakers, I guess she's a car
A Range Rover that has turned into a Honda Fit
A hoe that sits
Waiting for a lad to buy her a drink and pay her bills
So she plays
24-34-36
A daily hoe, sending her daily pics
But she's a herbivore, out for the green
We can all blame it on her
But I blame it on youth
She wanted to be a Honda, tried to fit
And now, she's about to collide
Either she changes her course
Or she changes the cause
Because
We try so hard to impersonate what we see on TV
If Angelina Jolie does it, why not?
Honda Fits
Hoes that fit
On a society that grills them
And make them grizzly

Oh beautiful Rover, go back to your Range
You're still living, you can change
You see, the most interesting thing about cars
Is that, once they get wax, they look cool
Hiding the fact that they're write offs
Things may not be clear when lights are off
Turn em on, you'll be surprised...
So many boys and girls are trying to fit in
We've turned into puppets
Muppets
Imitation stuck in our genes
Trousers so tiiight, we stuck in our jeans...
There are many cars out there,
Some try to be a-mess-a diss
But there's one car I love the most,
I
Open your eyes
Don't let em lie
To you
It's a cold world
Don't be a Honda Fit
But still, a Honda Fit may be Fit enough to pick itself up
Hope you can pick the pieces

Luckily, your windscreen ain't broken
Thank God for that
And your engine has been wrecked but it still runs well
Run and never be weary

Bandile, 2016

You stay attached to the wrong people when you wait for them to change. 
They won’t change for you, they can onlychange for themselves, but waiting for someone to change inorder to become the person you think they are or the personyou think they could be is only a waste of time.
You stay attached to the wrong person when you think there is no one out there better for you. When you don’tbelieve that you will be able to find someone you can lovejust as much who will be able to  give you what you needwithout breaking your heart.
You stay attached to the wrong person when you limit yourself to one place.  The world is huge, but often, we limitourselves to the city we live in or our circle of friends andthat’s how we end up exaggerating our feelings towardssomeone because they’re the best we could find in this cityor this group, but there are a lot of people elsewhere whowould be so much better for you. So don’t settle for someonebecause of their geographical proximity.
You stay attached to the wrong person when you try to convince yourself that they’re right for you.  You hold on to threads of hope that you two belong together, that you bothneed each other, that you are the perfect match. Theseassumptions are not backed by actions or logical reasons.They’re all fantasies or maybe your heart tricking you intobelieving they’re the one because you desperately want toprove yourself right and prove that all this is not just afigment of your imagination.
You stay attached to the wrong person when you continue to stalk them on social media.  When you keep followingtheir updates and their news, when you keep looking at theirpictures and seeing how much fun they’re having withoutyou. Block them if you must, do anything that stops youfrom staying addicted to them when they’re no longer partof your life.
You stay attached to the wrong person when you lie to yourself about what you want. When you tell yourself thatyou don’t want more, that you’re okay with making all themoves, that you’re okay with minimal effort and shallowconversations. When you lie to yourself that you don’t wantdates and butterflies and nights full of romance. When yousettle for hours when you want forever.You stay attached to the wrong person when they change
everything you knew about love and you still accept it.
Like Me

♡

You open my eyes to see you
The evening that was conquering my light to shine
You reversed it and made my sky blue
The rising sun, with a burning spear I drew a line

You make me travel places in my dreams
The beauty of having you brings destiny to my possession
You fade not in my dreams but persist like the ocean streams
The unity of us is faith through creation

I promise to rise and fall with you as the sunflower
Though darkness may separate us and leave my heart hanging
It will be not long ahead until you burn this world with your power
Your brightness covers me, even those who are in the verge of ailing & dying

And I will forever strain my eyes to your presence
In essence
I love you
You are my love, my everything, I saw deeper than the prophets.

Literally I wrote this to make you smile and remind you of my feelings and intentions
Love is like a Rubix cube, not everyone can conquer it
But for you, I'm willing to go extra miles because you are in turn my reserve tank.

I love you so much,
I swear to God if I would swear to God, He'll bless me with new ways and humble ways to love you
And never shall I put pride before you
Or anyone
For you are worth more than anything a man can ask for.

Baby, please wear my love
So people can smell me on you
The fragrance of love.

This was written to be as specific as it is vague, as alone as it is public.

Cracking up about it sums it up for me.
Is it mirth?
Am I simply manic?
Writing this I hope to straighten my thoughts, to be objective, to reason out the otherwise chaos of conflicting emotions that threatens to break apart my psyche.

The niceties can't help.
In the lull of activities, in the dark
of the night, the conflicts within resurface.
I confess to losing sleep over them, for I can no longer claim sanctuary of my mind.
So I write.

I am writing this at a time when the disequilibrium between us feels even greater than before.
I admit this gave me no small amount of distress.
At the same time, I wonder if it is even my place to be upset by this.

A while ago, I opened up to you,  I was pleased with it then for it captured subtly my hopes and my fears. Since then however, the subtleties returned to haunt me.
In a bid to remain subtle, I carefully skirted the main issue which if I were to be honest, should have been addressed.
Except that it is not my place to.
Except that I do not want to.
You said you would not want to ruin our friendship; that you would not want to lose our friendship.
I will guess that it is the first reply that came to you, clichéd as it may be, not that it is lessened or made any less true.
However, I believed there to be more and chose to look beyond into what was not said.

In your own subtle concern for me (at least chose to
believe so), you never did say no to which I suppose I was mostly relieved with though I can never be sure if I ought to be. T
hat remaining friends would outlast a relationship is
also a loaded assumption.
Should I cherish hope? Or was it
simply a polite turn down?
There are many questions to be asked, and just as many I would probably prefer unanswered. But left unasked?
I believe that to be the main problem with all the courtesies or subtleties we accord each
other.

Continuing along the same train of thought, courtesy also manifests itself in certain expected behaviours, or decorum.
Staying friends has been a tightrope act.
As with all tightrope acts, ceaseless effort has to be put into finding the right
balance.
As with all tightropes, it can only be a solo act.
As with all performances, we don a mask; irresolute and unmoved despite the turmoil within.
Decorum dictates these,
and frankly, they become exhausting.
With you it seems always to be in the context of work or within our group of
friends, but there are times when I am simply concerned with you and the inability to express as such both drains and
frustrates me.
It may not be what is appropriate, but it is the
truth; the absence of which leaves everything contrived and false.
But as I have said before, it is probably not my place to feel this way and therefore probably not right. Except I feel, perhaps, not wrong too.

Like everything written thus far, I am struggling with the conflicts within, from the way I feel to the way I act.
For you
I have burnt and built bridges.
For you I have loved and loathed.
These are strong words, and I use them because I
cannot cover fully the range of emotions, I use them because
I want to state my position clearly.
Except in distinguishing clearly the black and white, I neglect the shades of grey present between.
Except it is everything described that I feel
(black, white, grey), and then some.
At the end of the day, perhaps the subtleties before did better to capture everything.
In trying to objectively identify exactly
my thoughts and actions, I realise it would never be properly comprehensive.
How can I describe the mess I feel inside
when by myself, the serene calm of all-is-right-in-the-world when I am with you?
How I loathe my dependence and miss
my independence, and yet cannot quite regret ever having met you.
How you make me want to be a better person, but
at the same time the situation screams destruction. How you came to define my future, and yet only be concerned with the present when I am with you.
How difficult it is to hold onto hope and sanity when I am the only one to believe, how
hopeless it is to hang onto faith regardless.
How bleak my future is in the radiant contentedness you so confidently exuberate, and how I would not have it any other way.
Except that I just did.

Describe them, both sides of the
conflict.
Except they still are not everything.
I think I will give up reasoning.
I accept the fate which I believe I have suspected was mine all along.
I will continue to be that friend.
I will wait. It is the only thing that I am
sure of.
That I feel, perhaps not exactly, but surely strongly,
and for me it will have to do.
Except probably not.

Perhaps it's just a test of time just to see if I'm made for it
But trust,
The day I get it
I vow to savour it.

I saw a rose
I was completely smitten by an external hunch when she rose
She was ballooned with beauty and elegance, I was afraid I might be a thorn
Pop it off
But I could be a thorn
Her a rose
Among thorns
I could protect her
Prick those who try to take a petal off her
It's a pity you never gave me the opportunity to prove my worth to you
Do you have any idea how much this hurts me?
Of course, you don't, how can you?
I felt like a Casper, feelings for you filled up my dome
Now I watched them go down bridges
I'm a thorn, pricked myself and now I'm in stitches
You're laughing, you dunno what a stitch is?
You see, I was ready to swim deep for you
You felt like this was skin deep for you
No coffin, but I'd die for you
No coughing, but I'd lie for you
They always told me that women
Woe men
That wasn't the same with you;
You were like a liquorice,amazing on all sorts
For you, I'd go on all fours
I guess I deserved this
Mental pictures of a passenger seat, I reserved it for you
This heart, I had preserved it for you

Perhaps I shouldn't care
Or perhaps if I care I shouldn't
Care
I should just stare,
Never be the reason to someone else's smile
No reserve tank, but for you I'd go extra miles
It really hurts me to realise that I was in a Disney love movie
Something that will never come to life
You knew very well how I felt
Whenever I saw you, I'd melt
I was scared that I'm too fast, I fastened my seat belt
Cause I couldn't afford losing you
I couldn't face being in a comfort zone
Because when I was in your zone, I'd find comfort

My heart,
Is torn apart
Lonely nights aren't nice
I lie awake like my room is full of mice
Everytime I stare at your pictures I'm like "what kind of fool would ever miss this "
But my love for you is perceived as a diss
From hereon, love is just a verb I barely believe in
And no!
Don't!
Tell me about Karma and Cupid
Cupid isn't the reason you became tepid
You slept on my wish Stupid
And now,
Now I'm vapid
My reasons may be valid
But saying I'm not hurt would be a fib
But still
Denying that I don't love you has become a myth
I find comfort in riffs
Where I'd whine about the past dates
I have a heartache
But now
I'm not burying these hatchets
I'm cremating them
Mandems will always be Mandems
I hope God protects you from them

Anyways never mind
This girl was never mine

©Bandile, 2016

I saw a rose
I was completely smitten by an external hunch when she rose
She was ballooned with beauty and elegance, I was afraid I might be a thorn
Pop it off
But I could be a thorn
Her a rose
Among thorns
I could protect her
Prick those who try to take a petal off her
It's a pity you never gave me the opportunity to prove my worth to you
Do you have any idea how much this hurts me?
Of course, you don't, how can you?
I felt like a Casper, feelings for you filled up my dome
Now I watched them go down bridges
I'm a thorn, pricked myself and now I'm in stitches
You're laughing, you dunno what a stitch is?
You see, I was ready to swim deep for you
You felt like this was skin deep for you
No coffin, but I'd die for you
No coughing, but I'd lie for you
They always told me that women
Woe men
That wasn't the same with you;
You were like a liquorice,amazing on all sorts
For you, I'd go on all fours
I guess I deserved this
Mental pictures of a passenger seat, I reserved it for you
This heart, I had preserved it for you

Perhaps I shouldn't care
Or perhaps if I care I shouldn't
Care
I should just stare,
Never be the reason to someone else's smile
No reserve tank, but for you I'd go extra miles
It really hurts me to realise that I was in a Disney love movie
Something that will never come to life
You knew very well how I felt
Whenever I saw you, I'd melt
I was scared that I'm too fast, I fastened my seat belt
Cause I couldn't afford losing you
I couldn't face being in a comfort zone
Because when I was in your zone, I'd find comfort

My heart,
Is torn apart
Lonely nights aren't nice
I lie awake like my room is full of mice
Everytime I stare at your pictures I'm like "what kind of fool would ever miss this "
But my love for you is perceived as a diss
From hereon, love is just a verb I barely believe in
And no!
Don't!
Tell me about Karma and Cupid
Cupid isn't the reason you became tepid
You slept on my wish Stupid
And now,
Now I'm vapid
My reasons may be valid
But saying I'm not hurt would be a fib
But still
Denying that I don't love you has become a myth
I find comfort in riffs
Where I'd whine about the past dates
I have a heartache
But now
I'm not burying these hatchets
I'm cremating them
Mandems will always be Mandems
I hope God protects you from them

Anyways never mind
This girl was never mine

©Bandile, 2016

This is probably the last thing you expected from me
And I'm the last person you expected it from
I wrote this to say a few words

"Happy Birthday"
It means much more
Than have a happy day.
Within these words lie lots of things
I never get to say.
It means I wish the best for you, first of all,
Then thanks for all you do.
It means you mean a lot to me,
And that I'm proud of you.
To see you grow means a lot to some of us

But most of all, I guess it means
That I am thinking of you 🚶🏿🚶🏿🚶🏿
on this very special day,
Happy Birthday".

"Make a wish and give it wings
Dreams of bright and beautiful things
Dance through all the fun filled hours
Don't forget to smell the flowers
Share some love and birthday cake
All life joys are yours to take
And when evening comes to view
Thank your lucky stars you're you
And never let this world alter you .

I am the type of person who knows exactly what I want to do with my life.
My chameleon mind soars in and out of different realities, different scenarios.
I have a flighty wonder tucked between my sheets, knit within my pillowcase.
Choice is a fairytale that surges within my veins, prompting me to
want one thing when the sun rises, and another when it
rests.
I will always be uncertain of the world inside my chest.

See, I am not the type of person who will ever know what they want for breakfast, or what kind of candy to pick at a convenience store.
It will take me twenty minutes to figure out what appetizer I desire during a night out;
I will order three cocktails just to try them all.
Forgive me, for I am not the type of person who can choose clothes to wear on a first occasion , nor will I be able to agree on the words I think I want to say.

I am not the type of person who knows where I will be in a
month, in a year.
My heart beats faster when I think about the possibility of becoming a stranger in so many towns, a
nomad in this game of life.
There are days that make me
want to leave, pack up my things and surrender to the world; but there are moments that plead me to stay, there are moments that beg for me to rest my bones and firmly
believe that I deserve to plant my feet.

And yet, despite it all,
I am certain of you.
I am certain of you on a calm Sunday, on a discouraging
Monday.
I am certain of you through your ups and downs, through our celebrations and our fights.
I am certain of you; of your loyalty and your ability to love even
the most precarious parts of me.
I am certain of your nature,
I am certain of your strength.
I cannot promise that I will
ever be able to decide which movie to watch on a brisk winter day, or what to get for your birthday.
I cannot promise that I will know where I want to settle down, or how to put my restlessness at bay, but I
can promise you one thing:
I am certain of you.
I will stay.
And I will love you, even on days when you are fire,
I'll try to be water
Since being petrol will fuel you with rage and hurt.
I love you,
Believe that......

♡❤❤❤♡