Holly Parker's Blog

We can focus on goals such as deepening your connection to your partner, finding a partner,
building better friendships, and enhancing your ability to communicate effectively and set clearer
boundaries.

If you find that you tend to treat other people better than you treat yourself, you’re definitely not
alone. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Perhaps you’ve lost a relationship you cherished, you’re struggling with regret or guilt, you’re
emerging from a highly stressful series of events and haven’t wrapped your mind and heart around
it, or you’ve experienced trauma. No matter what you’re dealing with, you don’t have to face it alone.

Looking for a Mighty New Year’s Resolution? Try Embracing Age.

Originally published in Psychology Today

Once upon a time, I served on the conservation commission in a town where I lived.

And every so often, the members of the various commissions and boards would get together to shoot the breeze at a local restaurant.  Prior to one of these gatherings, I was particularly excited to meet a former member of the commission who I knew would be attending.  In the commission’s entire history, he was the longest serving member.  He was also a legend with a reputation for being a real character—bold, outspoken, informal, willing to take chances and utter controversial statements, and deeply passionate about conservation.  I couldn’t wait to meet this revered figure in the flesh and pick his brain about the history of the commission, his work on it, and his vision of the town’s future.  Yet, when I met him I realized that he did not reflect the man people chronicled.  He was soft-spoken and, although he was extremely polite and pleasant, it felt like the proverbial tooth-pulling to get anything out of him.  He then made it clear why, stating, “Old people should be seen, not heard.”  What?! Astonishment and sadness filled me.  This man was once a lively, opinionated tiger who used his voice for a great cause.  What happened?

What happened is ageism.  It encompasses a jumble of biased ideas and practices related to a person’s age.  The especially slippery part about ageism is that we can witness it in action time and again throughout society, often without anything triggering our internal antennae that tells us “Hey, something is deeply amiss here.”  It’s sort of like a plant that seems harmless on the surface while legions of thorns sprout underneath, piercing skin once you grab hold.  The sorts of thorns we’re talking about include:

Unflattering stereotypes about a person’s age (e.g., unattractive, less capable, “uncool”)Agreeable yet nonetheless paternalistic stereotypes (e.g., unassuming, sweet)Views about how people should behave based on their age (e.g., don’t speak out, hide your sexuality, don’t wear that, don’t go there, get out of the way of younger people)Discrimination toward people solely based on their age (e.g., hiring and promotion decisions)

Unfortunately, the prejudice and discrimination of ageism remains hidden, by and large, flying under the proverbial radar even though it’s culturally pervasive.  But why? In all likelihood, because many of us smoothly accept ageist beliefs as clear-cut reality.  It’s not hard to find good-hearted people who passionately denounce bigotry in its many forms, yet breezily utter blatantly ageist comments.  Undoubtedly, this does not come from a place of malice in most cases.  We can’t see bias when we think we’re describing a fact of life.  For instance, I don’t think I’m voicing colorist speech when I say the sky is blue; that’s just the way things are, right?

What’s even more disquieting than ageism itself is its impact.  Science tells us that ageist attitudes can have a profoundly harmful impact on older adults’ employment, their economic and social opportunities, and their mental and physical well-being. People who are older face ageist attitudes in the very system they entrust their healthcare to (including many physicians and psychologists), which ends up reducing the quality of care they receive.  Problems that erode quality of life are apt to receive less active inquiry, attention, and treatment from healthcare providers.  For instance, if you’re an older adult with a brain injury, providers are more likely to fail to notice your needs for services compared to a younger person with a brain injury.  What if you’re an older woman who is experiencing abuse at the hands of your intimate partner? Sadly, social workers are less prone to look on what’s happening to you as abuse compared to a younger woman in an abusive relationship.  Even many of the textbooks used to educate and train the geriatric healthcare providers of tomorrow are rife with ageism.  One study analyzed the language in textbooks written for physicians and professionals specializing in geriatrics.  It revealed that over half (55%) of the geriatrics textbooks painted a broadly unfavorable portrait of older adults’ cognitive abilities, and roughly one third (32.5%) depicted a somewhat adverse image of the intellectual abilities of older people.  Only 12.5% of the books offered a truly evenhanded view of cognition and growing older.  And if you’re doing the math, you’ll realize that no books illustrated an optimistic take on aging.  When the very tools we use to train healthcare professionals reflect ageism, it’s hardly staggering that we’re churning out providers who hold ageist views themselves.

There’s also a medley of damaging, ageist biases in daily life.  True, people tend to envision older individuals as warmer than younger folks, but this doesn’t mean that the overall picture is an approving one.  The big picture is one that portrays older adults as less capable people to feel sorry for.  Interviewers will give an older job applicant lower ratings even though their qualifications are comparable to a younger applicant.

Regrettably, many older individuals also come to take on ageist stereotypes themselves, moving through life in lockstep with those biases, elevating the odds they’ll actually come true.  If you doubt this, take a moment and consider what limitations you place on yourself because of age.  Have you ever thought that you were too old to do something that younger adults do and then stopped doing it purely because you accepted this belief?

We used to love going out dancing at nightclubs together, but we can’t do it anymore. We’re just too old to go—we’d look ridiculous…Ah, to be young again…

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What about the flip side?  Have you ever found yourself telling someone that he or she was too old for something?  If so, I bet you were coming from a well-intentioned, concerned place.

You can’t take up surfing, grandpa!  You’re too old!

But if grandpa listened, that would be another self-fulfilling prophecy.  When we unquestioningly accept and follow ideas about what behavior is kosher for old people, then we become the old people we envision.  Not only does this confirm our own ageist beliefs, it fuels others’ age biases too when they see us acting out the stereotype.

Ageist notions can even lead young people to move more sluggishly, in line with a common stereotype.  People who anticipate that aging means feeling down and being infirm and absent-minded are more likely to have such problems as they age.  And unfavorable expectations about aging are more common than you might think.  For example, no one says a word when younger people have an absent-minded or forgetful moment, but toss a batch of years into the mix and now it’s a senior moment, considered part and parcel of aging. Personally, I’ve been having senior moments since I was a child! As the American Psychological Association observed, “For the human brain, there’s no such thing as over the hill.” This isn’t to say that brains don’t change at all with time, but our dismal stereotypes about memory loss and aging do not map onto reality for most folks. So the next time I forget, I think I’m going to call it a human moment.

Indeed, bleak predictions on aging can set us up for a gloomier reality over time.  If we harbor cynical attitudes about the ticking of the clock, then feeling older saps the enjoyment we get out of life and how healthy we feel.  And ageist beliefs about sex (e.g., older people aren’t sexual) are linked to a dimmer sex life.  Ladies and gentlemen, if you never had a reason to vigorously tackle ageist notions, you have one now!

Happily, we don’t have to hold onto our stereotypes about aging, and we don’t have to make them come true.  Actually, research suggests that we have a lot to look forward to as we hold hands with Father Time.  Despite societal ageism, our overall emotional health tends to rise as we get older.  We evolve and become more sophisticated artists of living over the years.

Ageist norms about what we’re supposed to be doing (or not doing), or what we’re supposed to be like or look like are woven throughout our culture.  Thankfully, we have the choice to bring ourselves back to the big picture of life, reminding ourselves that the experience of growing old is a gift not all of us receive.  And for those of us who get it, what better way to take advantage of precious added time than by enjoying a healthy, connected, meaningful, and fun life on our own terms, rather than buying into ageist stereotypes and weighing ourselves down with them?

My thoughts sometimes turn to the conservation legend I met that night.  I hope he’s happy and creating more space to be his outspoken self.  I know he’s in there somewhere. 

Closeup “Freedom to Love” Campaign

Looking for a Mighty New Year's Resolution? Try Embracing Age.

Originally published in Psychology Today

And every so often, the members of the various commissions and boards would get together to shoot the breeze at a local restaurant.  Prior to one of these gatherings, I was particularly excited to meet a former member of the commission who I knew would be attending.  In the commission’s entire history, he was the longest serving member.  He was also a legend with a reputation for being a real character—bold, outspoken, informal, willing to take chances and utter controversial statements, and deeply passionate about conservation.  I couldn’t wait to meet this revered figure in the flesh and pick his brain about the history of the commission, his work on it, and his vision of the town’s future.  Yet, when I met him I realized that he did not reflect the man people chronicled.  He was soft-spoken and, although he was extremely polite and pleasant, it felt like the proverbial tooth-pulling to get anything out of him.  He then made it clear why, stating, “Old people should be seen, not heard.”  What?! Astonishment and sadness filled me.  This man was once a lively, opinionated tiger who used his voice for a great cause.  What happened?

What happened is ageism.  It encompasses a jumble of biased ideas and practices related to a person’s age.  The especially slippery part about ageism is that we can witness it in action time and again throughout society, often without anything triggering our internal antennae that tells us “Hey, something is deeply amiss here.”  It’s sort of like a plant that seems harmless on the surface while legions of thorns sprout underneath, piercing skin once you grab hold.  The sorts of thorns we’re talking about include:

Unflattering stereotypes about a person’s age (e.g., unattractive, less capable, “uncool”)Agreeable yet nonetheless paternalistic stereotypes (e.g., unassuming, sweet)Views about how people should behave based on their age (e.g., don’t speak out, hide your sexuality, don’t wear that, don’t go there, get out of the way of younger people)Discrimination toward people solely based on their age (e.g., hiring and promotion decisions)

Unfortunately, the prejudice and discrimination of ageism remains hidden, by and large, flying under the proverbial radar even though it’s culturally pervasive.  But why? In all likelihood, because many of us smoothly accept ageist beliefs as clear-cut reality.  It’s not hard to find good-hearted people who passionately denounce bigotry in its many forms, yet breezily utter blatantly ageist comments.  Undoubtedly, this does not come from a place of malice in most cases.  We can’t see bias when we think we’re describing a fact of life.  For instance, I don’t think I’m voicing colorist speech when I say the sky is blue; that’s just the way things are, right?

What’s even more disquieting than ageism itself is its impact.  Science tells us that ageist attitudes can have a profoundly harmful impact on older adults’ employment, their economic and social opportunities, and their mental and physical well-being. People who are older face ageist attitudes in the very system they entrust their healthcare to (including many physicians and psychologists), which ends up reducing the quality of care they receive.  Problems that erode quality of life are apt to receive less active inquiry, attention, and treatment from healthcare providers.  For instance, if you’re an older adult with a brain injury, providers are more likely to fail to notice your needs for services compared to a younger person with a brain injury.  What if you’re an older woman who is experiencing abuse at the hands of your intimate partner? Sadly, social workers are less prone to look on what’s happening to you as abuse compared to a younger woman in an abusive relationship.  Even many of the textbooks used to educate and train the geriatric healthcare providers of tomorrow are rife with ageism.  One study analyzed the language in textbooks written for physicians and professionals specializing in geriatrics.  It revealed that over half (55%) of the geriatrics textbooks painted a broadly unfavorable portrait of older adults’ cognitive abilities, and roughly one third (32.5%) depicted a somewhat adverse image of the intellectual abilities of older people.  Only 12.5% of the books offered a truly evenhanded view of cognition and growing older.  And if you’re doing the math, you’ll realize that no books illustrated an optimistic take on aging.  When the very tools we use to train healthcare professionals reflect ageism, it’s hardly staggering that we’re churning out providers who hold ageist views themselves.

There’s also a medley of damaging, ageist biases in daily life.  True, people tend to envision older individuals as warmer than younger folks, but this doesn’t mean that the overall picture is an approving one.  The big picture is one that portrays older adults as less capable people to feel sorry for.  Interviewers will give an older job applicant lower ratings even though their qualifications are comparable to a younger applicant.

Regrettably, many older individuals also come to take on ageist stereotypes themselves, moving through life in lockstep with those biases, elevating the odds they’ll actually come true.  If you doubt this, take a moment and consider what limitations you place on yourself because of age.  Have you ever thought that you were too old to do something that younger adults do and then stopped doing it purely because you accepted this belief?

We used to love going out dancing at nightclubs together, but we can’t do it anymore. We’re just too old to go—we’d look ridiculous…Ah, to be young again…

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What about the flip side?  Have you ever found yourself telling someone that he or she was too old for something?  If so, I bet you were coming from a well-intentioned, concerned place.

You can’t take up surfing, grandpa!  You’re too old!

But if grandpa listened, that would be another self-fulfilling prophecy.  When we unquestioningly accept and follow ideas about what behavior is kosher for old people, then we become the old people we envision.  Not only does this confirm our own ageist beliefs, it fuels others’ age biases too when they see us acting out the stereotype.

Ageist notions can even lead young people to move more sluggishly, in line with a common stereotype.  People who anticipate that aging means feeling down and being infirm and absent-minded are more likely to have such problems as they age.  And unfavorable expectations about aging are more common than you might think.  For example, no one says a word when younger people have an absent-minded or forgetful moment, but toss a batch of years into the mix and now it’s a senior moment, considered part and parcel of aging. Personally, I’ve been having senior moments since I was a child! As the American Psychological Association observed, “For the human brain, there’s no such thing as over the hill.” This isn’t to say that brains don’t change at all with time, but our dismal stereotypes about memory loss and aging do not map onto reality for most folks. So the next time I forget, I think I’m going to call it a human moment.

Indeed, bleak predictions on aging can set us up for a gloomier reality over time.  If we harbor cynical attitudes about the ticking of the clock, then feeling older saps the enjoyment we get out of life and how healthy we feel.  And ageist beliefs about sex (e.g., older people aren’t sexual) are linked to a dimmer sex life.  Ladies and gentlemen, if you never had a reason to vigorously tackle ageist notions, you have one now!

Happily, we don’t have to hold onto our stereotypes about aging, and we don’t have to make them come true.  Actually, research suggests that we have a lot to look forward to as we hold hands with Father Time.  Despite societal ageism, our overall emotional health tends to rise as we get older.  We evolve and become more sophisticated artists of living over the years.

Ageist norms about what we’re supposed to be doing (or not doing), or what we’re supposed to be like or look like are woven throughout our culture.  Thankfully, we have the choice to bring ourselves back to the big picture of life, reminding ourselves that the experience of growing old is a gift not all of us receive.  And for those of us who get it, what better way to take advantage of precious added time than by enjoying a healthy, connected, meaningful, and fun life on our own terms, rather than buying into ageist stereotypes and weighing ourselves down with them?

My thoughts sometimes turn to the conservation legend I met that night.  I hope he’s happy and creating more space to be his outspoken self.  I know he’s in there somewhere. 

Not all help is useful, so how can partners give effective support?

(Posted on July 23, 2018)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-future-self/201807/making-helping-helpful

 

Relationships are a matter of give and take. I’ll wager you’ve heard that maxim somewhere along the line. And it’s relevant to assorted aspects of a couple’s life. Take compromise. We can’t (and arguably shouldn’t) have everything our way, and it’s not healthy or sustainable to continually give in and never have what we want either. Another case of give and take is how partners help each other. Whether it’s comfort, advice, knowledge, encouragement, information, errands, or tasks, to name a few examples, sometimes we’re the ones accepting support. And at other times, we’re the ones providing it. 

The topic of whether and how we give our partner permission to help is a crucial one that deserves attention. But for the purpose of this piece, we’re mainly going to focus on what it means to support our partner in an effective way.

Now, if you’re thinking that the notion of being there for your partner seems pretty straightforward, I appreciate where you’re coming from. At one level, it’s simply about being a loving ally who stands by as a safe, thoughtful, and affectionate harbor amid the seas of life, regardless of whether those waters are still and calm, or choppy and wild. An apt illustration of this idea is a picture of the opposite scenario, a relationship in which partners aren’t willing to help and care for each other. Do you have a question? Go figure it out yourself. You’re sad because you didn’t get that promotion you were aching for? Looks like you’re on your own. You’ve just come down with the flu and can barely stand? Thankfully, you’ve got your phone and can order some soup. Yipes, I don’t think either of us want to continue imagining that. Undeniably, it’s wonderful for partners to buoy one another up. And it’s not just your partner who benefits when you offer encouraging words and assistance. When you’re there for your partner, I'm assuming you’re doing what’s important to you and it probably makes you feel good. And on top of that, it’s connected to the quality of your bond. According to relationship research, there's a link between nurturing and looking after a partner and contentment in the relationship.

And yet, at another level, the notion of being supportive is anything but clear, in large part because not all help is equal. First, take the notion of when we help. It may be important to you to lend your partner a hand in general, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be in a position to do so at the exact moment or day when your partner might want it or need it. For instance, I can recall times when I wanted to get my husband’s advice on a particular issue, but I put the question on hold because I knew he was in the middle of his busy workday and my question could wait. Or perhaps, thanks to that stomach virus that decided you’d be the perfect place to set up camp, you can’t pick up your partner from the airport like you promised. Second, there’s also the matter of what kind of help we give. Sometimes what we think our partner wants and needs doesn’t map onto what they actually want or need, and this mismatch can impact our partner and our relationship. So how can we offer help that’s actually, well, helpful? Here are a few considerations:

When in doubt, ask

It’s not creative or subtle, but I’m a big fan of asking because it usually provides you with useful information that will light your way forward. And it doesn’t matter whether you think you know what your partner needs and just want to check, or you have no clue. There’s no harm in giving yourself permission to pause and say something along the lines of, “Just so I’m clear, what do you need most from me right now?” You can even bring up some possibilities if you want to explain the question a bit more: “For example, do you want me to listen, give advice, give you a hug and some love, or just crack bad jokes and take your mind off all this?” It may seem a bit silly at first glance, but people tend to appreciate it. I’ve asked some variation of that question a number of times, and so far no one has scoffed, “I can’t believe you just asked me what I need from you!” Instead, people have given thoughtful answers that helped me give them the support they needed in that moment.  

Embrace your inner cheerleader

We humans have a remarkable capacity to healthfully change and grow throughout our lifetime. Thankfully, there’s virtually always room to pursue that kind of self-enhancement, to live life just a little bit better than we do now. For example, one area where we can all improve, to at least some extent, is our lifestyle (e.g., exercise, sleep, nutrition, leisure, time outdoors, relationships). And just as most of us can likely pinpoint room for an upgrade in that department in ourselves, we can probably see it in our partner too. So if we want to help our partner make healthy changes, how can we do it effectively? Let’s say your partner is trying to eat more fruits and vegetables, but has been having limited success so far. You’re worried that if your partner doesn’t change their eating habits, you won’t enjoy as long a life together as you might otherwise. So your intentions come from a loving place. Check. But what about your methods? Many people find themselves believing that a sterner touch is the only way to motivate their partner to make meaningful changes. For instance, they might scold, mock, or try to shame their partner. Or they may raise their voice, snap at their partner, or downplay their partner’s perspective on how to change and insist on their own approach, thinking they know how to do it better. And it’s understandable why they’d hold this view. A megaphone receives more attention than a whisper, and a powerful delivery may seem necessary to spur a partner to get better at following through on their goals. But despite the caring, well-meant intentions behind these methods, they don’t work. On the contrary, when partners receive encouraging, tender, positive support, this forecasts greater success in making healthy changes, as well greater happiness for them in the relationship. Examples of this kind of support include highlighting progress, making uplifting comments about your partner’s ability to reach their aspirations, being affectionate and warm, offering to assist in some way, or sending articles with information related to your partner’s goals.

Remember that more isn’t always better

When we offer help, it’s sort of like a tight rope walk. A delicate balance is required. Just as it’s possible to give too little assistance, it’s also possible to go overboard. And doing too much can take a variety of forms. Although the mental picture of one person supporting another often creates the impression that help is always beneficial and welcome, sometimes people don’t want any assistance at all. Just think of every time someone offered to help you. Did you always accept it? I know I haven’t; I can recall being on crutches and turning down many a kind offer to open doors for me, stubbornly wanting to do it myself. Alternatively, someone may want help, but feel like their partner is giving them more of it than they wished for, such as running all of the errands for the week instead of just one or two extra. Or, a partner might want a different sort of help than they’re getting. For example, maybe our partner wants a hug and some reassurance, while we’re doling out advice or trying to fix the problem.

Now if you’re feeling perplexed at this point because it’s hard to imagine what could possibly be problematic about being a little too eager to assist, it makes sense why you'd wonder. Yet, as counterintuitive as it may seem, science suggests that when spouses try to help too much, this forecasts dwindling happiness in their marriage, even more so than doing too little for each other. And it’s all too easy for that balance to get thrown off, and anyone can overdo it at times. What’s tricky about striking the right harmony between being helpful enough without doing too much is that the type and degree of assistance someone desires are not necessarily straightforward. What feels useful and reasonable to you might feel excessive to your partner, and vice versa. Not only that, a variety of factors can affect how much help someone wants. Take personal autonomy and self-reliance, for instance. One study revealed that for people coping with osteoarthritis who highly value being self-sufficient, their partner’s help was linked to feeling worse, not better. Another example is a couple’s history. If a partner doesn’t feel like they’ve been as helpful in the past as their partner is being now, they may feel stressed in the face of this imbalance. And then there’s also what message the help conveys, even if that message is unintentional. If your partner experiences your help as a sign that they’re somehow incapable or ineffective, which no one wants to feel, they’re likely to feel quite differently about it than if they're able to receive assistance while holding onto their sense of competency and capability. 

Fortunately, it’s nearly always possible to do a course correction. When your partner lets you know that your aid isn’t required, goes beyond what they want, or isn’t the sort they need, take their cue. And if you’re not sure, you can always ask your partner directly. This sort of heart-to-heart conversation can pave the way toward greater understanding and connection. And if you find you have a tendency to over-help, consider agreeing on a quick, light-hearted, signal that your partner can give you to let you know. Maybe it’s a humorous phrase, word, facial expression, or gesture, as long as it feels kind and clear to both of you.

Clarify what you need

This one may seem a little out of place because it’s about how to get the support you want, but it feels worth including because, after all, you deserve to have useful help too. People aren’t always candid and direct with their partner about the assistance they’re hoping for, and yet this a practical, effective way to get the support they truly want. According to research on couples, there’s a link between the language someone uses when they open up to their partner about a stressful situation and the kind of support they get. For instance, if we’re afraid of losing our job and we ask our partner what we should do, our partner is going to be more inclined to offer suggestions on how we can manage the problem, rather than give us emotional comfort. And if it’s guidance rather than comfort that we want, that’s great. But if we’re hoping for words of solace as well, then we might want to ask for that too. No matter how well our partner knows us, they can’t read our mind (even if it feels like they can sometimes), and by letting them know what we need, we’re giving them worthwhile guidance they’ll very likely respect.

References

Brock, R.L., & Lawrence., E. (2009). Too much of a good thing: Underprovision versus 

     overprovision of partner support. Journal of Family Psychology, 23, 181-192.

 

Cramer, D. (2006). How a supportive partner may increase relationship satisfaction. British

     Journal of Guidance and Counselling, 34, 117-131.

 

Kuhn, R., Milek, A., Meuwly, N., Bradbury, T.N., & Bodenmann, G. (2017). Zooming in: A 

     microanalysis of couples' dyadic coping conversations after experimentally induced 

     stress. Journal of Family Psychology, 31, 1063-1073.

 

Martire, L.M., Stephens, M.A.P., & Schulz, R. (2011). Independence centrality as a 

     moderator of the effects of spousal support on patient well-being and physical 

     functioning. Health Psychology, 30, 651-655.

 

Overall, N.C., Fletcher, G.J.O., & Simpson, J.A. (2010). Helping each other grow: Romantic 

     partner support, self-improvement, and relationship quality. Personality and Social

     Psychology Bulletin, 36, 1496-1513.

 

The defenses we use in love can also work against us.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-future-self/201803/the-danger-self-protection-in-relationships

Disclaimer:  Please note that the content in this piece refers only to non-abusive relationships.

 

If you’ve ever fallen for someone, I’m guessing you’ve probably confronted a basic, human dilemma in emotional intimacy — self-exposure versus self-protection. 

If we walk the road of self-exposure, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. We stop simply liking or caring about another person, and we start deeply loving them. Our mind paints pictures with them in our future. As we open up and reveal inner feelings, motivations, and life experiences, we let them see further into us and our own particular brand of quirkiness. We share celebratory news, as well as the saddening losses and disappointments we’re enduring. We ask for what we need, voice our preferences, and acknowledge what we don’t want. We trust our partner to be faithful (if we’re in a monogamous relationship), truthful, and kind, and to have our best interests at heart.

Self-exposure opens the door to profound love, connection, and fulfillment. Yet, as sublime as an emotionally close and affectionate bond is, that doesn’t mean the journey is a comfy stroll. Let’s be honest: Sometimes it can feel risky and scary. The same vulnerability and openness that lays the groundwork for rewarding intimacy also gives your partner the power to emotionally slash you. The more you love your partner, the more disheartened you’d feel to lose them. Betrayal, abandonment, and rejection have a far more potent sting at the hands of someone you’re crazy about than someone who’s just so-so. Vulnerability even heightens the odds that you’ll get hurt. As you spend more time with your partner, and as you share more of yourself, how you feel, and what you want, you widen the window of opportunity to see your partner in their, shall we say, unpolished moments. Partners stumble and can be less understanding, thoughtful, considerate, attentive, affectionate, or patient at times.

In the face of all this, it can be understandably tempting for people to want to take the road of self-protection and put up a sort of emotional buffer to defend against being wounded as deeply. But without taking risks, they can’t get as close and love as wholeheartedly.

Ultimately, the choice between these two paths is a delicate tightrope walk as people adjust how much they move toward vulnerability or self-protection, depending on what they believe is happening in the relationship. If they sense that their partner is a reliable, understanding, loving presence who will stand by them, they’re apt to take healthy chances as they reach for connection. But if they worry their partner will spurn them, they’re more liable to don their emotional armor to defend themselves, and this armor can take various forms, such as:

1. They keep their eyes peeled for any signs that their partner doesn’t care about them or the relationship.

Imagine walking somewhere alone at night and hearing a strange noise behind you. You’d probably turn around and be more watchful for at least a little while. This is basically the relationship equivalent of that scenario. If someone fears their partner may leave, lose affection for them, or stray, they may look for evidence that it’s happening. Like a peculiar noise in the darkness, people try to spot danger where they fear it exists, so they can protect themselves.  

2. They emotionally shut down and distance themselves from their partner. 

Picture one person physically backing away from another. Just as physical space can feel remarkably safe, the same is true of emotional space. And people create it in multiple ways. They can choose to open up less, invest less energy in trying to please their partner, disregard their partner, or stop turning to their partner for comfort and encouragement and start relying more on other loved ones and friends.

3. They find fault with their partner or behave rudely toward them. 

A person using this emotional safeguard is essentially taking their partner down a few notches. Perhaps they shine a mental spotlight on their partner’s mistakes. And what about those sweet and lovable idiosyncrasies, such as wanting the same snack every day, singing golden oldies in the shower, or a penchant for absent-mindedness? Now they’re just annoying. Or their tongue could leap out of its cage as they freely nag their partner or put them down. And what would be the point of this sort of shield? Let’s say you had two bicycles, and an evil genie (I promise we’re going somewhere with this) told you that you had to let go of one. One of them was rickety and busted, and the other was stable, in superb condition. Which one would you give up? I’m guessing you’d ditch the damaged one, right? And it’s no different in the realm of romance. If someone suspects their partner is drifting away, it’s less agonizing to say goodbye to a partner you have been viewing as below par than one who seems out-of-this-world wonderful.

And what if those worries and fears go beyond belief and reflect what’s actually happening in the relationship? Depending on the circumstances, it can be a very prudent move to take it slow and think twice about leaving one’s heart exposed. But suppose that someone fearfully believes their partner is about to hit the eject button or doesn’t care for them anymore, and it’s not true?

Here’s where self-protection can get a little thorny, because it paradoxically winds up creating what the person who’s protecting themselves doesn’t want — less intimacy and security.

For instance, let’s say we look for examples of how our partner doesn’t care about us. Because it’s human nature to see what we’re looking for, honest missteps can be transformed into signs that our partner doesn’t care. A forgotten text to say she’ll be at work late? He came home and didn’t feel like talking or cuddling? Our minds can turn it into evidence of what we fear.

Or imagine we emotionally shut down and pull back, or we make sharp comments that pick at our partner, so we can feel less vulnerable in the face of distress and uncertainty. Then we still close the door to intimacy. It’s like trying to walk toward something by walking away from it. It doesn’t work. In moving away from our partner, we unwittingly increase the odds that they’ll harbor fear and uncertainty in the relationship, leaving them with the same dilemma of whether to move closer or self-protect. And if they shield themselves, even more distance arises. Sadly, many couples find themselves in this situation and yearn to find a way back to each other. 

So what can be done? How can you resist the understandable urge to put up your shield when uncertainty, anxiety, and insecurity arise? In other words, how can you help prevent self-protection from sabotaging you? 

Here are a few ideas:

1.  Cultivate your self-worth.

People who don’t feel good about themselves have less faith in their partner’s love than people with higher self-regard. They’re also more inclined to mentally take their partner down a peg to feel less vulnerable. 

2. Be a responsive, loving, and affirming emotional presence for your partner.

This will help your partner to see you in a more favorable light, which can bolster their ability to move closer. It also fosters your partner’s trust that if they can come to you, they’ll find support rather than criticism. Not only that, your partner will be more capable of handling moments of vulnerability or pain in the relationship in a productive and positive way, rather than withdrawing or lashing out.

3. Pay it forward.

Remember the times when your partner was there for you. When people recall fond memories of their partner being responsive to them and their needs, they’re more likely to feel happier with their partner later.

4. Sit in the driver’s seat.

Perhaps it’s the prospect of a second sprinkled donut, luring you like a sugary siren. Maybe it’s a beloved TV show crying out to you as you’re diligently trying to get work done. Or it might be a voice in your head that says, “You know you’re tired! Just stop and go lay down already!” as you strive to finish that 10K. We all have temptations that can carry us adrift. But if we can resist them (most of the time, anyway), we’re doing more than we may realize. When your partner sees you reining in momentary whims and urges and governing your own behavior, they’ll be less inclined to retreat behind a protective shield when you make an inconsiderate or hurtful misstep. So when you apologize, remain straightforward yet polite in conflict, or you faithfully follow your aspirations rather than give in to distractions that pull you away from them, it’s an investment in your bond. You’re cultivating your partner’s trust that they can take healthy risks with you and stay close, even in those moments when it feels dicey for them to do so.

5. Take a practical approach.

Let go of the idea that acting out will protect you or give you what you want. If you’ve ever found yourself reacting to your fears or to the mindless blunders of your partner in harsh, insensitive, or thoughtless ways, you’ve got plenty of company. This is a common and understandable attempt to ease distress by trying to either: a) create more distance from your partner so you don’t feel so emotionally exposed, or b) get your partner to see how much you’re hurting and come to your side. Unfortunately, this strategy backfires, because it pulls you further from what virtually all humans hope for — a loving, secure, harmonious, and enjoyable relationship with the one you love.

 

 

 

 

Conflict isn't fun, but that doesn't mean it's useless.

(Posted Jan 18, 2018)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-future-self/201801/making-peace-conflict

 

In the world of intimate relationships, conflict has a bad reputation. If you ever heard someone say, “I love conflict with my romantic partner!” you’d probably give them a baffled side-eye. 

Conflict isn’t fun or delightful. It runs the gamut from mildly annoying to immensely distressing, and it can damage relationships. But is it intrinsically harmful?

In a relationship between two human beings, each with their own minds, personal histories, opinions, habits, tendencies, and preferences, conflict is natural and inevitable. They’re going to disagree, and it would be kind of creepy if they didn’t. (It would be like the movie The Stepford Wives. There wasn’t a whiff of conflict among the couples in that town, and why? I’m not a fan of spoilers, so I won’t say more than I have already, but let’s just say it isn’t good.)

And the journey through conflict isn’t always unhealthy or destructive. Partners can emerge from it feeling closer. The vital key is how they approach their differences. Partners can either intensify conflict or foster intimacy through their responses to each other. It’s like standing in front of a fork in the road, with one route leading to distance and the other winding toward connection. It’s not always a cinch to take the thoughtful road: The journey from feeling upset and distressed to responding in a compassionate, considerate way can feel like an upstream swim at times. 

How can you be your better self, even when it doesn’t come easy? Here are a few strategies to consider:

1. Borrow your partner’s eyes.

It’s reasonable to see a conflict from your own vantage point. It’s the one you have, right? But what this view doesn’t give you is a window into how your partner is feeling and what the conflict means for them. It’s common for people to zero in on their own perspective and prepare a rebuttal to whatever their partner has to say, but this rarely, if ever, leaves couples feeling heard and connected. If anything, the more someone feels like they aren’t being listened to, the less inclined they’ll be to listen in return. So before you do anything else, start by listening and trying to understand where your partner is coming from. And if you’re in doubt about what your partner is saying, don’t hesitate to ask clarifying questions. You might be surprised by what you learn and by how much smoother the conversation feels. And if it’s too tough to take your partner’s point of view, try envisioning your differences through the eyes of someone who is unbiased and impartial, and wants you both to be happy. This can be someone you know or someone you create in your mind’s eye.

2. Dish out what you want.

I’m just going to go ahead and assume that you’re like most people, and that you want your partner to be kind to you. If your partner responds to you by lobbing hurtful or belittling comments your way or pointing the finger at you, you’ll understandably feel more guarded and wary of being open about issues with them in the future. The same is true for your partner. If you don’t want to shut the door to intimacy, give yourself permission to pause and ask yourself an essential question: How would I feel if my partner reacted to me in the same way I’m about to react? If it would shut you down, don’t do it; if you need to take a break to collect yourself, that’s perfectly fine. And then think about what kind of words, tone, body language, and willingness to listen you’d want from your partner, and try it. Yes, this is basically the Golden Rule, and it works in the world of romance, too. 

3. Build your reservoir of goodwill.

One of the best things you can do to try to avoid unhealthy conflict and protect your relationship is to build goodwill with your partner by being an encouraging, helpful presence in the relationship. A study found that if partners don’t offer each other care and understanding when they open up and share during tension-free conversations, they’re also more likely to react to moments of conflict in ways that can erode connection over time. Instead, when your partner reaches out for support or lets you in on another part of their inner world, focus on being attentive, validating, comforting, and accepting.

How to upgrade your relationship with the one you spend time with the most.

(Posted April 30, 2018)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-future-self/201804/giving-yourself-break

On the stage of life, the spotlight doesn’t shine evenly. Some themes take center stage, while others lie cloaked in dimness. Take compassion, for instance. Let’s say that someone asked you to list all of the messages and advice you’ve received over the years about showing kindness toward others and how valuable it is to do so. And you could pull from any source you remember, such as your parents or other family members, friends, romantic partners, teachers, your role models, colleagues, strangers you crossed paths with, books, music, or TV shows and movies. By the time you finished, in all probability, your list would be quite extensive, wouldn’t it? But how often have we heard about the significance of being kind and compassionate toward ourselves and how to do it? I’m betting that for the majority of us (including me), it’s happened far less often. I think it’s one of those little ironies in the world of relationships that the relationship we have with ourselves, the very person we spend more time with than anyone, is the one that arguably receives the spotlight the least.

Now I realize that the idea of paying attention to how we treat ourselves may not seem all that important at first glance. It makes sense to wonder, “In the end, what difference will it actually make? Would it really change anything?” Or perhaps it strikes you as somewhat selfish and you’re asking whether the act of caring for yourself will subtract from your ability to be a good partner, friend, parent, or adult child. You certainly wouldn’t be alone in pondering that question. And if you’re concerned that being compassionate, reassuring, and forgiving of yourself will undermine your ability to achieve your goals and thrive, you’ve got company there too. Sometimes people are scared to be kinder and less critical toward themselves, thinking they’re letting themselves off the hook after they make mistakes and believing this sets them up for a downward spiral of even more errors and slip-ups.

So if you’ve been reading this with an eye-roll as you think about the idea of being kind and compassionate toward yourself, thanks for sticking with me so far. And second, if you’re willing, I hope you’ll stay here a little longer because we’re going to do a little exploration of self-compassion so we can get a sense of what’s in it for us.

What Is Self-Compassion? Self-compassion has three elements:

Self-kindness

This means treating yourself with consideration, gentleness, and thoughtfulness in the face of suffering or missteps. You speak to yourself kindly, with the same sort of empathy and warmth as you’d show to someone you care about who comes to you for advice and a supportive ear. 

Common Humanity

This involves reminding ourselves that in those moments when we stumble or are having a tough time, we’re not the only ones. It’s part of being human to drop the ball at times, to hurt, or to have flaws. Now it feels important to be clear that the intention behind common humanity isn’t to cheapen or downplay suffering, as if to say, “Hey, others have it rough too, so don’t feel bad.” Sometimes when we humans come face-to-face with our own inner struggles, flaws, confusion, challenges in life, or inevitable failures, we can feel more disconnected from people. The little inner voice of the mind may say something like, “Why can’t I get it together like other people? They don’t seem to have problems like mine, and they’re happier, more assured, and successful too. What’s wrong with me?” If we stop and remind ourselves that we’re not alone in these experiences, we can offer ourselves a bit of relief to at least know that we’re normal and in good company with the rest of the human race.

Mindfulness

When we’re being mindful, we’re allowing ourselves to notice upsetting emotions and ideas that flit through our mind without either pushing them away or holding onto them too tightly. Although mindfulness can be challenging at times, rest assured that the ability to be mindful grows with practice and patience. But why can it be tricky? First, when upsetting thoughts, memories, or feelings arise, it can be understandably tempting to try and avoid them. Second, it’s not always so simple to observe a thought without buying into it or judging it because our friend the mind has a special talent for whipping up beliefs that certainly seem true, even when they’re not (e.g., “I’m worthless.”). And third, we humans can find ourselves so caught up in an emotion that it feels like the emotion is driving us, making it tough to change the channel and think about our situation from a different perspective. If my parents could chime in right now, they’d probably tell you about the time when I was a teenager and caught a man in the act–literally– of trying to steal my car. And did I do the safe, sensible thing and go get help? Not at all. I was so furious that my feet couldn’t carry me to the would-be thief fast enough, at which point I confronted him, very loudly and with language I won’t repeat here. Fortunately for me, it worked and he fled, but looking back I know I just got lucky. It could have backfired on me terribly to act on my anger, but I was so carried away by my feelings that I really wasn't mindful of that at the time.

So in a nutshell, when we accept our inner experience (rather than reject it or become immersed in it), when we remember that we’re not alone in our suffering, and when we treat ourselves with kindness and consideration, we’re being self-compassionate. But what do we get out of it?

Relationships

It turns out that people who treat themselves with more compassion are also more kindhearted, gracious, and effective partners. The partners of self-compassionate individuals consider them to be more tender, thoughtful, connected, understanding, and supportive of their freedom than the partners of people who aren’t so kind to themselves. Not only that, self-compassionate folks are also more likely to handle disagreements with loved ones by trying to find a middle ground, and to do so with greater sincerity and serenity.

Personal Growth and Achievement

For a number of people, self-compassion understandably arouses the concern that this means giving oneself a free pass to stagnate or go backwards rather than strive to continue evolving and becoming a better human being. After all, if we allow our inner scolder to ease up, won’t that reduce our drive to push ahead and improve? And yet, what’s so intriguing is that the science doesn’t bear out what many of us intuitively believe. Research reveals that when people reflect on their personal imperfections in a compassionate way, this leads them to believe that it’s possible to improve upon their faults, enhances their ambition to do, and helps them take corrective steps to grow. And self-compassion also boosts creativity. Self-criticism is linked to lower levels of imaginative, fresh thinking. But when people who tend to be hard on themselves try thinking in a self-compassionate way, this creative block goes away and they’re just as creative as people who don’t criticize themselves as much. 

Health and Wellness

People who are kinder to themselves are also more likely to take care of their bodies by living a healthier lifestyle. Plus, greater self-compassion forecasts less intense posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms over time among combat veterans, even when you take other meaningful factors into account, such as how much combat someone faced or how severe their PTSD symptoms were. And among sexual minorities, who sadly face considerable prejudice and discrimination, self-compassion predicts how happy they are with their lives, even in the face of widespread injustice. 

So let’s say you’re willing to try showing yourself a little more self-compassion. How might you start? Here are some ideas:

 

Consider reflecting on a challenging experience that you’re facing now or that you’ve faced before. Or maybe you’d find it more useful to consider a personal flaw or mistake you’ve made, or a time when you tried to reach a goal and didn’t make it. As a starting point, don’t call to mind anything too stressful, and if you feel overwhelmed at any point, stop. You might choose to write down whatever topic you select, but if that doesn’t work for you, it’s certainly fine to think it over without writing anything too. Opt for what feels right to you. Now, try jotting down or thinking about how you’re not alone in what you’re facing, and how other people also wrestle with similar issues. Or if you prefer, try writing to yourself or talking to yourself about the matter in hand in a loving, caring, gentle, and understanding way. If this helps, ask yourself, “How would I talk to a loved one or a close friend who’s going through something similar?” That’s the kind of tone and language you’re aiming for.

 

When you catch your inner critic talking to you, stop and notice it in the moment. Now imagine that this critical voice isn’t in your head, but is a person who’s standing right behind you, uttering the same words to you. How would you respond to that person? I’ve asked a number of people this question, and most answers more or less involve yelling at the person and telling them to go away. But if it’s one response I have yet to hear, it’s that they’d agree with the person. And yet, this is what we’re doing when we buy into that inner critic. A reminder that you wouldn’t agree with these same sorts of statements if they came from someone else may help you to create a little extra distance from sharp, biting thoughts and make them easier to question.

 

Keep in mind that negative, unkind thoughts about yourself, as painful as they are, are just thoughts, not an established reality. This will probably be tough to do at first, especially if the harsh thoughts feel like they have a potent ring of truth to them. But remember, the strength of a belief isn’t the most reliable gauge of how accurate it is. Once upon a time, people believed that Earth was the center of the universe, a belief we now know to be quite false.

 

In the grand scheme of things, we actually spend a relatively short period of time being parented by our caregivers. For the lion’s share of life, we’re essentially parenting ourselves as we work on our own personal development. Give yourself permission to pause and ask yourself what kind of treatment you genuinely want. Would you rather be on the receiving end of a bitter, unrelenting, punitive critic, or a positive coach who encourages you to do your best and reminds you with a kind, understanding pat on the shoulder that everyone hits rough ground at times? If I had to hazard a guess at which one you’d choose, I’d bet it’s the latter. Unfortunately, we don’t have the power to choose what family we’re born into and what kind of treatment we’ll receive, but thankfully, we can decide what sort of treatment we’ll give to ourselves. It takes practice, but it’s doable.   

 

Consider listening to a podcast on mindfulness and meditation, or search online for local meditation classes. This is a wonderful way to start learning about mindfulness and bringing it into your everyday life in a way that feels right for you.   References 

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Hiraoka, R., Meyer, E.C., Kimbrel, N.A., DeBeer, B.B., Gulliver, S.B., & Morissette, S.B. 

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