Halley Bock's Blog

For as long as I can remember, I’ve heard the phrase, “Happiness is a choice”. That if I felt upset or emotionally flat it was because I was making a choice to feel that way. Like why didn’t I just opt for Door #2 where glitter fairies and unicorns lived?! I mean, come on, it’s so simple! {sigh}  And if I had a dollar for every “Choose Happy” Instagram photo that’s crawled across my screen, I’d be a millionaire. No shit. But it turns out these catchy happiness memes and over-simplified one-liners of advice are only that… catchy and over-simplified.

Thanks to some nifty research in the field, we now know that happiness is not just a choice. In fact, it is our very own DNA, our genetics, that greatly determine our unique “happiness set point” – the level of happiness to which we will habitually return to and reside at.

You can imagine that happiness is an elevator that is in motion throughout the day. When you’re ecstatic, you’re skyrocketed to Floor 160 of the Burj Khalifa. When in despair, you’re sunk to the depths of a parking garage that’s been dug impossibly deep. But at some point, your elevator is recalled to its regular station and you return to your happiness set point, whether that’s flat-lined, kinda/sorta happy, down in the dumps, obnoxiously upbeat, or anywhere in between.

This set point was discovered as an outcome of a famous study that tracked people who had won the lottery – what many people think of as the ticket to the eternal kingdom of joy. Within a year, however, these lucky winners returned to approximately the same level of happiness they’d experienced before their windfall. Surprisingly, the same was true for people who became paraplegic. Within a year or so of being disabled, they also returned to their original, genetically determined set point.

What is Your Happiness Set Point?

While the study focused on some pretty impactful and rare events, it’s easy to see this play out in smaller, more macro ways, during run-of-the-mill, day-to-day of life.

See if you can relate to one of these scenarios:

Let’s say you’re hanging out on the familiar floor of “Meh” – the happiness set point so graciously gifted from your DNA – but then along comes some good news. Maybe it’s a job promotion, a kudo from your boss, or an email from your ex stating you were right all along, it was his fault, and he’ll never love as big as when he was with you. You feel a rush of electricity course through your veins and you wonder, as joy explodes from every cell in your body, if your feet are actually touching the ground.

For a short time, you float on the bubble that has lifted you to the top echelons of happiness. And during this time, you imagine that you have finally “arrived.” That your birthright – this level of bliss – is yours for the keeping. But it’s not. Because after a few days (or minutes!) you find yourself drifting back down to the familiar feeling of “meh” until the next shot in the arm comes along to goose your joy.

Or perhaps you’re someone who makes their home further up the scale where happiness is a constant companion. No matter what life throws at you, you bounce back with relative ease and with the usual pep in your step. We describe these people as “resilient”, “optimistic”, “happy go-lucky” or as having a “sunny disposition”. In my more cynical moments I have secretly suspected these folks were the result of partial lobotomies. But turns out, I couldn’t have been more wrong. It’s baked in; we are born this way.

This is good news or not-so-good news depending on what your particular set point is. If your set point is on the higher end, then odds are you have less of a struggle with experiencing joy and life is generally enjoyable. On the other hand, if you are predisposed to a lower set point, then happiness is likely a struggle. So what can we do, if anything?

Is Your Set Point Fixed?

The good news is that research has shown there’s a bit of wiggle room. As Gretchen Rubin explains in her book, “The Happiness Project”:

“According to current research in the determination of a person’s level of happiness, genetics accounts for about 50 percent; life circumstances such as age, gender, ethnicity, marital status, income, health, occupation, and religious affiliation, account for about 10 to 20 percent; and the remainder is a product of how a person thinks and acts.”

Okay. So if you’re a “half glass empty” kind of person then you’ll view this as being screwed since 60-70% of our happiness set point is determined by things difficult to control. But if you’re a “half glass full” or hopeful type, then this extra 30-40% represents a HUGE opportunity for raising the elevator on where your happiness rests.

“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.”  — Meister Eckhart

How to Raise Your Happiness Set Point

You can think of your happiness set point as a muscle. If you want it to build, then consistent training is required. Whereas we will atrophy and give our set point back over to genetics should laziness ensue. When I look at these two options I prefer the first, with intentionality and consistency being the key.

Here are 3 proven ways we can work our happiness up:

1) GIVING: In a recent study published in Nature Communications, researchers from the University of Zurich in Switzerland discovered that even thinking about doing something generous has real mood-boosting benefits in the brain. In the study, researchers told 50 people they’d be receiving about $100 over a few weeks. Half of the people were asked to commit to spending the money only on themselves, while the other half were asked to spend it on someone else.

The result? Those who agreed to spend money on other people made more generous decisions throughout the experiment compared to those who spent the money on themselves. They also reported higher levels of happiness after the experiment was over and MRI scans performed during the experiment, showed higher activity in the parts of the brain associated with happiness.

The takeaway: Give often and in small ways but avoid creating an expectation associated with the act. Do it just to do it.

2) GRATITUDE. In his book, “Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier”, psychologist Robert Emmons analyzed several studies on gratitude and found that practicing gratitude can increase happiness levels by around 25%. This is massive considering the portion of the happiness set point we can control is between 20 and 30 percent!

There are many ways to practice gratitude, but the most common is keeping a gratitude journal. Every day write 3-10 things you are grateful for and why. And don’t just practice gratitude when good things happen. Find it in the dark days when it’s harder to locate and, in doing so, you’ll become more and more attuned to locating and sustaining positivity.

The takeaway: Make gratitude a 365 day practice. No. Matter. What.

3) MINDFULNESS. Much of our dis-ease – or lack of sustainable joy –  is a result of our compulsion to look for what’s missing. If I were to name the greatest thief of joy, it would be the “if only” mindset. Instead of remaining present to what we have, we focus on what we lack. We believe we would be happy “If only… I was smarter, felt more loved, had more time off, lost ten pounds, etc.”

Research has shown that even a short-term daily practice of mindfulness increases our base level of happiness long term. Connecting to and remaining present with what is occurring right now trains the brain to rest in contentment, instead of scanning for threats.

The takeaway: Commit to a daily mindfulness practice for at least 4 weeks. If you have time to read this, you have time to meditate.

The Thing About Happiness

One phrase you can count on when it comes to happiness is that “Happiness is an inside job.” Yes, our DNA and a handful of other determining factors set our base, but we can greatly influence this by practicing gratitude, generosity, and mindfulness. You can take it from me.

I have been through some pretty monumental shit storms in my life. My therapist started calling me “The Buoy” because of how I could right myself and find positivity within short order. That was only because I was deep into all of these practices. When I’m not practicing and life hurls more crap my way, believe me, “the buoy” morphs into an anchor. But this much is my choice. So while happiness isn’t just a choice, you do have one very powerful choice.

How do you raise your happiness set point?

The post Your Happiness is Hard-Wired. So Now What? appeared first on Life, Incoporated.

Empaths feel their way through the world. They navigate life by tapping into their strong intuitive nature to guide their decisions while serving as a beacon for good or bad things to come. Along their journey, thanks to their high level of sensitivity, they not only sense, but often take on or absorb other people’s emotions and/or physical symptoms.

These two characteristics make empaths both amazing partners and friends as they will often signal trouble before you know it – serving as a sort of “canary in the coal mine of life” – while also possessing the enduring capacity to understand your emotional and physical landscape. But because they are so prone to intuiting and embodying the emotions of others, they can easily become overwhelmed by it all – often unable to recognize on their own that they are in too deep and at risk of being consumed by the energies of others.

If you’re an empath, these signs of overwhelm will be a familiar list as you’ve likely experienced many, it not all, of them before. From this point forward, they can serve as prompts for when it’s time to take a step back and create healthy distance between yourself and the situation. If you are not an empath but are in a close relationship with one, these signs will be your cue to gently prod your empath to engage in some immediate self-care.

 

The Five Signs of Overwhelm

Sign #1: Chronic Fatigue

Taking on the energies of others is exhausting work, especially when those emotions are of lower vibrations such as grief, anxiety, fear, and anger. These energies create quiet stress within the body that will, in time, exhaust the sympathetic and para-sympathetic nervous system without the host even realizing it. That is, until you can’t seem to keep your eyes open! If you find yourself dragging physically, chances are you have internalized too much of what surrounds you and it’s time to declutter.

Sign #2: Self-Medication

When an empath has taken on too heavy a dose of lower vibration emotions, he or she will begin to mirror and embody these emotions, often resulting in bouts of depression or anxiety. In these caes, an empath may turn to self-medicating such as binging on alcohol, food, or another substance as a means to regulate their internal landscape. They often aren’t aware of why they’re reaching for a numbing or mood-enhancing substance, they just know they want to get back to feeling their usual self.

Sign #3: Sudden shift in mood

If your gregarious empath has suddenly turned into a weighted boulder of sadness and lethargy, then there’s a good chance the emotions of others have morphed into overwhelm. Again, empaths will often mirror the emotional state of the one(s) they are energetically attached to which can be fine in moments, but when it turns into a chronic or schizophrenic display, it’s a clear sign that it has become too much and it’s time to step away.

Sign #4: Skin Issues

The body will often display what is occurring on the inside and chart it out like a map on our body. Our skin is especially susceptible to this and will light up like a christmas tree if left unchecked. Sudden rashes, breakouts, hives, and other skin anomalies are the most common signal that are bodies have become over-stressed due to harboring too many negative emotions. If you spot a significant shift on the outside, it’s time to scan the inside.

Sign #5: Panic Attacks

For those that are hyper-sensitive, panic attacks or panic disorder is an unfortunate but common bedfellow. Being in tune with others while also being hyper in tune with self can create a vortex of emotions that can easily snowball into panic attacks.

 

What You Can Do

As an empath myself, I’ve learned that being consumed by other’s emotions is not at all helpful to either myself or the one in pain. We both end up at the bottom of a dark, emotional well leaving me unable and unclear on how to help the one I’m with. Yes, misery loves company but only for so long!

Instead, an empath’s rare gift and strength is best realized when we use our ability to deeply connect with the experience of another, but only for the few moments it takes to ascertain what is needed to assist their healing. Once we connect to what we believe would be helpful, we can, and should, disconnect from embodying their energy while offering our healing gift. This doesn’t mean we shut them out emotionally, rather it means we move alongside them so we can be with them during the healing process, rather than enmeshed in their experience of it.

Each empath has his or her own point of overwhelm and you will discover yours in time, if you haven’t already. Should you find yourself displaying one of the five signs above, take a quick pause from the relationship or connection point and engage in some immediate self-care. I have found acupuncture, body work, exercise, and meditation to be powerful tools for both regaining and maintaining a healthy and balanced emotional world.

 

What are your signs of overwhelm? And what tools do you employ to recover?

The post 5 Telltale Signs an Empath Is Overwhelmed appeared first on Life, Incoporated.

The other day, I came across this fascinating article from Uplift. In it, the author provides research and data points that strongly suggest our greatest line of defense against addiction lies in cultivating connection with others. 

Case in point: Portugal has demonstrated a 50% drop in addiction thanks to programs that are specifically designed to re-create connection between the addict and their community. It works on the premise that isolation and lack of love and support are huge drivers of addiction. Therefore, introducing these individuals into a society that values them can work to rehabilitate them. And it does.

This then reminded me of a passage in my book that states we are the most obese, in debt, medicated, and addicted adults in human history. In other words, we are numbing out at historical highs whether that be in overeating, overspending, or over-medicating. We are addicted to substances, gambling, email, sex, social media, sugar, TV, work, and more, and we are running to these things due to lack of connection. And these addictions don’t necessarily end or begin based on our level of connection with other people but, rather, can occur when we lack meaningful connection in any major facet of life.

The importance of connection

In the late 1970s and early 1980s, a small group of colleagues at Simon Fraser University, including Robert Coambs, Patricia Hadaway, Barry Beyerstein, and Bruce Alexander undertook an experiment that would challenge the latest findings on addiction. Previous to Alexander’s “Rat Park” study, researchers would place two water bottles in a rat’s cage: One containing water and another containing water laced with cocaine. These rats were in Skinner boxes that were stark, empty, and void of any “life”. Time and time again, the rats would prefer the laced water and would kill themselves via overdose at a fairly high rate.

But when Alexander came along, he was troubled by the environment the rats were being kept in and decided to modify the experiment. He created what came to be known as Rat Park – a heavenly playground, if you will, for rats. There was plenty of food, toys, tunnels, burrowing material along with other rats. In his experiments, he consistently recorded the rats preferring the pure water over the laced water. In short, the rats didn’t want the drugs when their world was complete.

The roots of healing

At its base, addiction is compulsive and chronic numbing. It is us running towards something else because we lack a core need in a particular facet of life. And this is exactly why I wrote my book and, in fact, gives me even more reason to believe, thanks to solid data, that cultivating connection in all facets of life can break cycles of addiction and abuse.

Alexander’s rats turned away from the drugs when they had all the components that made for a happy rat. And, just like them, we need more than four walls. We need connection to a rich environment, physical activity, healthy relationships, access to play, exploration, and all that allows us to fully express our individuality and purpose. When our lives are deficient in any single area, we turn to unhealthy avenues for a surrogate.

The best test I can think of for whether or not we are living wholeheartedly is the level of need we experience for the “laced bottle of water”. Do we reach for it daily? Does it creep up on us weekly? Or is it so constant that we have lost touch with what’s really here? We can’t even turn our backs from the water bottle to fully appreciate where our life is, most likely because we are scared of what we might find. That we may have a lot of work to do.

And yet, to do nothing is to become a slave to the addictions…. to the running. What if you stopped and dove into one area? Just focused there to create an area of ease and joy in your life? There is no more important step than to simply BEGIN. And if you do, I hope to be part of that journey.

The post The Opposite of Connection is Addiction appeared first on Life, Incoporated.

[From the January/February Issue of Muscle & Fitness Magazine]

So how do you put that plan into action—and track your progress? Halley Bock, author of Life, Incorporated: A Practical Guide to Wholehearted Living, has a blueprint to help you succeed at whatever you commit to 100%. Her book has tons of actionable to help you work out everything from what you should do for work, play, and self-development; who are you doing things for; how to make a daily plan; and how to positively utilize help from your community for your and others’ benefit. Here are Bock’s top tips to follow through on your resolutions.

Follow your passion

“First, figure out what you’re passionate about,” she says. What have you been most obsessed with over the years? Put your energy there.

See roadblocks ahead

To plot out an action plan, Bock explains, you need to consider obstacles you’ll encounter and what’s going to get in your way. “If you’ve tried to reach this goal before but weren’t successful, take time to pinpoint what got in the way. Was it self-sabotaging? Do you lack the necessary skills? Did you lose the passion?” By asking those questions when taking inventory for your plan you can anticipate or sidestep these obstacles.

Vision board bliss

Bock encourages you to maintain an area of your office with inspired images that mirror what you want. “But a vision without a plan is fantasy,” Bock warns—which is why the planner at right is key. Use her tips and worksheet to pull off your goals and change your life for the better.

Start with the big picture, beginning with a vision of yourself that’s as grand as you can imagine.
Break goals into annual increments with major milestones, then work backward from there into quarterly, monthly, weekly, and then daily goals.
Some life coaches and therapists advise that you publicize your goals so you’re accountable to someone. But don’t put your goals on blast. “When you do that, you trick your brain into thinking you’ve already achieved it; your brain starts to sense that you’ve gotten what you want, and motivation starts to slip.” She adds: “Setting resolutions and life goals is an intimate process. If you give into the tendency to tell everyone about them, you are dispersing energy rather than concentrating that energy on your goals. Tell only a few of your most trusted friends and family for accountability and support, rather than the whole world.”
Lastly, don’t be hard on yourself if and when things come up that set you back a few weeks. You can always rework monthly/quarterly goals.

 

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To download all of the Exercises from the book and the Life, Incorporated Journal as fillable PDFs, simply take these 3 steps:

 

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Every year leading up to January, ads for gyms and weight management programs flood our screens. All of them hoping to profit from our collective lapse in taking our eye off the ball as life, once again, swept us off our feet and into its unrelenting fast-moving current.

I have a theory about all those New Year’s Resolutions that die faster than this week’s Facebook meme: I think they die because we sprang for the obvious instead of choosing resolutions that we connected to and, thus, carried actual meaning to us. And because we can hardly be bothered to slow down long enough to take an actual inventory of our lives, we pull down a cookie-cutter resolution like losing weight, drinking less, earning more money, or obtaining a coveted seat in this year’s Platinum Sales Club at the firm.

While these pursuits may be worthwhile, they aren’t necessarily the goals I would expect to come out of a once-a-year introspective process. I would expect something much more unique, curious, and imaginative than the aforementioned examples. For that, we need to take a mindful approach and ask ourselves some questions that get to what matters to us. Not what matters to “them”. Or the Joneses. Or the monkey on your back and the chip on your shoulder. No. This time and this life is for YOU. So here is what I suggest:

“Our entire life arises out of the tip of intention.”

—Buddhist teaching

In order to revolutionize your year (and life!), I invite you to reflect on the past year and then mindfully set an intention in any of the three categories that resonate with you: Repair, Refresh, and Recover.

Repair. Repair speaks to relationships gone awry and grudges or beliefs we carry that no longer serve us. Has a relationship suffered due to our lack of focus or our assumptions about them? How is our relationship with self? Do we spend all our time in an unending hustle for self-worth? Or do we spend it in gratitude and celebration for all that is? The New Year is a great time to repair broken relationships and/or heal a festering wound that is effecting our spiritual wellbeing.
Refresh. Refresh speaks to addressing something in our lives that has gone stale or flat-lined that needs a boost. Does our career need an overhaul? Does our marriage need a jump start? Does our daily routine need a reboot? It’s an opportunity to look at all the active elements in our lives and make necessary adjustments so they are serving us, rather than merely acting as habit.
Recover. Recover speaks to bringing back elements of our life that we have altogether dropped but wish to bring back. Perhaps you had children and a hobby had to take a backseat. Or a dream you had for yourself remains in the background, unacted upon. Or the vision you had of yourself no longer matches the reflection in the mirror. Recover asks us to scan for what’s missing or dormant and bring that element back into play.

Once you’ve explored these areas, you may find that some aspect of your health is involved but instead of joining the nearest gym, you will have specificity along with a vision to guide your success. What matters most is not WHAT your resolutions are but WHY you made them. I encourage each of you to use this time of year to revolutionize at least one aspect of your life.

 

Please share your Revolution in the comments so we can all cheer you on!

The post Revolutionize Your Year By Doing These 3 Things appeared first on Life, Incoporated.

As I sit writing this post, I am in my local coffee shop. Clusters of families stream through the doors at an elevated rate thanks to Christmas and Hanukkah being right around the corner. Some families laugh, hug, and appear charged up by their collective coming together. Others appear tense, exhausted, and forlorn as they soldier through their day – gritting their teeth for the days ahead.

This year, I will celebrate Christmas without a handful of family members. As you will learn in my book, I had to permanently sever my relationship with my mother and my relationship with my sister and her clan is on what can best be described as a very long pause – thanks to absorbing one too many toxic blows. And as much as I feel great freedom and lightness from being released from the obligation of spending time with those members of my family, there is still a sense of sadness. Truth is, realizing that key members of your immediate family are NOT your tribe is a tough pill to swallow. Many choose to remain with family members like this and do their best to mitigate the damage while some of us choose to abort those relations. Never an easy choice no matter what choice you make.

When I found myself staring down the barrel of vacating several seats at my family table a year ago, I found great comfort in the notion of Kula, which you will hear more about in the book. To shorthand it here, “Kula” is a Hindu term that has been translated to mean “a community of the heart, a group coming together of its own free will, an intentional community and a family.” It is a community, and it is a family. But what stands out to me about this translation are the phrases “of the heart” and “intentional.” For me, a Kula is this:

“An intentional community of the heart.”

This holiday season, I won’t be spending time with my family. Instead, I will be merrily spending it with my Kula. The people who inspire me, who really – and I mean really – know me, who make me laugh, who can touch tenderness with compassion, and who leave me better off after every single interaction. My Kula does consist of some traditional family members but it is no longer limited by it. And while there will surely be more pangs of sadness as I scan the holiday scene and see generations of families together – a scene I will know no longer – I am filled with immense gratitude for who I DO have in my life and the freedom I granted myself when I made my rather unconventional decision to clear out damaging relationships.

I know this isn’t the “feel good”, tie-it-up-in-a-big-red-bow kind of post that so many people gravitate toward this time of year. But neither is my situation. And the thing is… I’m okay with that. Here’s to the holidays and wishing each of you peace, abundance, joy, compassion, and love for yourself and your Kula.

With love,

Halley

The post Christmas Without Family: You’re Not Alone appeared first on Life, Incoporated.

If I knew then what I know now about intent, it’s entirely possible I could have avoided sounding like a major @sshole early on in my career.

It was the first week of my dream job at CBS, and I can remember sitting at a big conference table surrounded by seemingly intelligent people who would toss around acronyms and industry buzzwords with the finesse of champion tennis players. Even though I had no clue what they were saying at the time, I came away feeling intimidated. “Wow, these people are so smart,” I thought to myself, as I headed back to my office to try and figure out what the hell they were talking about.

Determined to show my new colleagues how smart I was too, at the next meeting I spewed out a few acronyms and buzzwords of my own without really understanding what they meant, then watched as my feeble attempt at participation died of its own weight.

Later that evening, at the pity party I was having during my therapy session, my shrink introduced me to the notion of speaking to express, rather than impress, especially whenever I felt pressured to act out of insecurity. As my mind began to process this intriguing new concept, I could see how taking a moment to examine my intentions before shooting my mouth off was, in fact, a whole lot smarter than blindly trying to impress people; and if I waited to speak until I actually had something meaningful to contribute, people might come away thinking about the message … not the messenger.

Suddenly it seemed as though a giant burden had been lifted. I felt lighter, brighter, confident…hopeful. I could imagine integrating this new insight into my life and making it my own. It was so exciting because I knew that I could do this!

Soon, my newfound understanding began to act as a bullshit filter, and I could see through people’s motives as though I had x-ray vision. One time, I was packed in the elevator with a bunch of suits who were carrying on one of the most inane, stilted conversations I had ever heard. It felt as though they were trying to impress someone—and I knew it wasn’t me–so I did a scan and discovered CBS’s founder, William Paley, tucked into the back corner looking unimpressed; and no wonder, here were these grown men, all executives in his organization, knowing he was there,  but posturing and carrying on as though he wasn’t. “So that’s what it looks like,” I thought, vowing to try to stop myself before going down that same dead-end road.

Wish I could report that, over the years, I was able to commit my insight to muscle memory and managed to avoid my own ‘assholean’ behavior altogether; but such is not the case. To this day, whenever I’m feeling intimidated or insecure, my first reaction is the need to impress people. I want them to think I’m smart or cool, or funny, or compassionate…whatever, it really doesn’t matter. Happily, though, more often than not I’m able to stop and ask myself, “Are you trying to express or impress?” much like I did in writing this column.

The post If I Knew Then: About Intent appeared first on Life, Incoporated.

This week I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Todd Schnick of Intrepid.Media. Below is the link to listen to the show as well as Todd’s description of the show. Enjoy!

 

Click here to listen to the interview


http://media.blubrry.com/intrepid/p/content.blubrry.com/intrepid/halley_bock.mp3

Joined on the show today by Halley Bock, the founder of Life, Incorporated, and organization that fosters mindful connection in all areas of life as the means to experience a wholehearted, fulfilling, and joyful life. She is also the author Life Incorporated: A Practical Guide to Wholehearted Living.

Discussion guide from my conversation with Halley Bock:



1. Key insights learned from coaching executives. And what exactly is wholehearted living?

2. The reasons behind why living in a hyper-connected world have resulted in a move disconnected self than ever before.

3. Cultivating long-lasting, deep contentment vs. short-lived bursts of momentary gratification.

4. “Live life from the inside out.” An important way to experience happiness and fulfillment is to first create it within ourselves.

5. Ways to rediscover our own self-worth, and tools to understand what makes us tick.

The post Intrepid.Media Interview: Living Life from the Inside Out appeared first on Life, Incoporated.

What better way is there to begin 2017 than with fresh energy and a strong vision for the present that leads to an even brighter future? One way to accomplish this with your family is to spend some time together making up a family mission statement or manifesto. This living, breathing document is most effective when it is created collaboratively as a family and adjusted as time goes on to make it relevant as your family grows and develops together. Here are some tips for getting started!

 

Process

This could be a part of a weekly family meeting, if you are currently doing them, or a special family activity. Perhaps most importantly, this is not a top-down activity, in which you hand down a set of rules to your kids. Instead, this is an opportunity for every member of the family to be heard and every person’s ideas to be valued. Kids are so much more likely to buy into this concept if they are given respect in the process of its creation.

As you are working together, pay attention to your kids’ levels of focus and energy. Perhaps you could bracket this meeting with some outdoor activity time to blow off steam. Don’t stress if you still have more work on the manifesto that you would like to do but your kids are clearly done with the activity. Remember that you can always revisit it in days to come!

 

How

Begin by talking with your kids about how important it is to be clear about purpose and values. You could say that most companies and schools have mottos of some kind to motivate their employees or students. You could say that a family is like a team and teams work best when they have common goals. It may be important to mention that you don’t expect everyone in your family to share exactly the same goals but that you know that there are many that you can agree on.

It might be helpful to begin with a large piece of paper which you can use to brainstorm. Remember that all ideas are welcome in brainstorming—no one gets to say that other people’s ideas are not worthwhile. Write down every idea that comes up as you ask questions, such as:

What does our family believe in?
What do we try our best to do?
How do we like to be treated?
What do we need to work on?
What do we do really well?

As your family’s ideas spring out and are written down, begin to look for links and overlap between ideas. Your job as a parent will be to look at the big picture and find connections between ideas. Ideally, you will be able to pare the manifesto down to key statements that everyone in the family feels good about. You can remind your family that this is a work in progress. You can try out the wording in practice and see if it feels right. Tell them that it will be a responsive document that can change as the family grows and changes, but that certain key values will stay constant.

The last step in this process is to write out the manifesto in way that you would like to have displayed in your home. It can be nice to post it where you have family meetings so that you can refer back to the ideas and values that it represents. You can also use it during times of struggle or challenging behavior, to remind kids of the values that your family holds dear. You can use it to help relieve a power struggle by asking a child if his behavior is in accord with the manifesto. This is a way to hopefully gently remind without harshly correcting. But, fully expect this to be a two-way street and tell kids that they, too, can remind you when you the parent are not holding up your part of the contract as well!

 

Another Option: Parenting Manifestos

Another take on this manifesto is to work on your own personal parenting manifesto. Instead of focusing on the collaborative effort of the whole family coming together, this is an opportunity for you to dive deep into your own personal parenting values. This can be a great exercise to do either on your own or with your parenting partner. As you clarify your own values, you will find a greater sense of the big picture of parenting and hopefully that will inspire you as you navigate through the sometimes messy nature of day-to-day parenting.

“What did your own parents do wonderfully and what could they have done better? What do you want to bring forward and what do you want to leave behind from your own past? Research shows that parents who engage in self-reflection are more able to attach to their own children and form strong, meaningful family relationships.”

In her forthcoming book, Life Incorporated, author Halley Bock offers suggestions on how to write your own personal manifesto. She suggests that you “challenge yourself to come up with ten statements about what you believe, three statements about how you want to change the world, and five statements about what you know to be true. You will then combine these statements to create your personal manifesto.” You can use these same steps to create your parenting manifesto.

As you think about this manifesto, it may be a great opportunity to reflect on your own family of origin. What did your own parents do wonderfully and what could they have done better? What do you want to bring forward and what do you want to leave behind from your own past? Research shows that parents who engage in self-reflection are more able to attach to their own children and form strong, meaningful family relationships.

 

This is a great time to look at our big goals and ways that we can help them come to fruition. I wish you the best of luck as you create and implement your family manifesto in the new year!

 

Further Reading & Examples

Brene Brown’s Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bren/wholehearted-parenting-manifesto_b_1923011.html

Gretchen Rubin’s podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin

http://gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2016/08/podcast-manifesto/

Life, Incorporated by Halley Bock

https://www.amazon.com/Life-Incorporated-Practical-Wholehearted-Living/dp/1626343551/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481595476&sr=8-1&keywords=halley+bock

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