Carl Alasko

“Anytime you feel yourself starting to become overwhelmed with either information or feelings, you need to be able to stop. It doesn’t matter whether the conversation involves a minor discussion about breakfast or a major debate about selling the house. The mechanism for stopping a conversation that’s becoming overheated is extremely simple. It can be contained in a one-sentence agreement both parties accept. Here it is: Either party can ask to stop a discussion at any time for any reason. What that means is that whenever you ask to stop talking about something, the other person is obligated to stop talking and give a simple “Okay.” No further discussion occurs, not even “I just need to finish my thought” or “Why can’t I just explain . . . ?” When I suggest this idea to argumentative couples, their typical reply is, “Oh, great. My spouse will shut me up all the time. I’ll never be able to talk about anything that matters to me.” In actual practice, though, that rarely happens. Even the most out-of-control couples have demonstrated that when the people involved have in place a solid agreement to stop talking, both people benefit. That’s because when either person can ask to stop talking when he or she feels overwhelmed, and finds that request respected, each person can begin to trust—often for the first time in years—that bringing up a potentially difficult topic will not automatically escalate into all-out verbal warfare.”
― Carl Alasko Ph.D., Say This, Not That: A Foolproof Guide to Effective Interpersonal Communication

“But human life is so darn complicated that the hardware and software very often get confused about who’s in charge. Fight? Run? Think? Talk? Shout? Scream? Sit and be silent? Vigorously object? Smile and placate? Make a joke? The choices are very complex and interconnected to every emotion and experience in our long and crowded history.”
― Carl Alasko Ph. D., Emotional Bullshit: The Hidden Plague that Is Threatening to Destroy Your Relationships-and How to Stop It