Anne Marie Miller's Blog

How do you fit in thousands of peoples’ abuse & pain & cries for help over decades and decades in just a handful of minutes?

Fellow survivors, I pray I served your stories & hopes well.I am with you. I stand with you. I am for you. I love you.

LINK TO WATCH LIVE AT 7PM EST/6 PM CST

Yesterday there was a 300+ page report that came out documenting the failings, cover-ups and pure evil that disguised itself as the underbelly of the world’s largest Protestant denomination, the Southern Baptist Convention. To clearly state: there are MILLIONS of wonderful and lovely people within evangelicalism, the SBC, etc. And there are cowardly despicable ones as well who hopefully will be held to account due to this initial report.

(For anyone new here, you can read an overview of my story here: It’s my victim impact statement made at the sentencing of Mark Aderholt, the SBC seminary student, youth pastor, missionary, and eventually South Carolina SBC executive who sexually abused me in 1996 when I was 16 years old.)

With this report, I decided to cut my Twitter and other social media since I was mostly using it to advocate and feel this chapter in my life is permanently closed. I got a message from a producer at PBS Newshour a couple hours ago (when I was on a bike ride, of course!) asking if I could do a live interview today with a response. I figure it would be a solid way to finish the race, to put a biblical metaphor to it.

Feel free to tune in at 7 pm EST / 6 pm CST to watch. Or don’t. Whatever you do, do something you love.

Thank you all for the support over the last couple of years.

The History

November 1996, age 16 and shortly after the sexual abuse began.

Over the course of six months in 1996/1997 when I was 16 and 17 years old, a 25-year-old Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary student named Mark Aderholt sexually abused and assaulted me as a minor.

In 2007, I turned him into his employer, the Southern Baptist Convention’s mission arm, the International Mission Board (IMB) who investigated him and found my accusations credible.  He was allowed to resign and went on to be a pastor at Immanuel Baptist Church in Little Rock, Arkansas, and then an executive in the South Carolina SBC. He listed people from the IMB as references on his resume.

Aderholt

In 2018 I learned he was never reported to authorities, so I reported him. 

Two months later he was arrested for 3 sexual abuse felonies.  A year of motions for hearings went by and at the last minute at the last hearing, before a trial was scheduled, Aderholt’s defense attorney asked the prosecutors for a plea deal. The DA’s office took my input seriously as they determined what to do. 

2000: Aderhotl at Travis Avenue Baptist Church, the same church my dad attended when he was 16 years old.

Factors that Played in a Plea Deal vs. Trial

We knew we had a strong case, yet we were concerned from the history of the Tarrant County Grand Jury that it would not move into an indictment because less than 50% of sexual abuse cases actually move past the Grand Jury here, especially cases that are many years past.

But the evidence was so compelling that the Grand Jury who indicted him actually added a fourth felony charge in addition to the three he was arrested for—a very rare situation. Even with this, I was told how the trial process would be lengthy and emotionally re-traumatizing, and statistically, not hopeful.

Me at 17 years old

Many people have asked questions about the punishment not fitting the crime(s). I fully agree, and at the same time, want to explain what went into that process and decision in hopes of shedding light on the complexity of the criminal justice system, and its need for reform. Those accused of all crimes should, by all means, have the due diligence they are promised. However, the system is not set up in a way that provides the care victims of crimes need. With that being said, I feel fortunate both the detective who took my case and the assistant DA who brought the prosecution and stood up for me in court did wonderful jobs in caring, compassionate ways. This is not always the norm, but to imply the entire system is broken wouldn’t be truthful or respectful of those who are compassionate. Their jobs are not easy, and they carry a lot of responsibility.

2019, I’m outside of Aderholt’s 1996 apartment in Arlington.
Photo by Jon Shipley, Houston Chronicle.

Criminal Considerations

In the year Aderholt was arrested, only 1% of felony cases in Tarrant County go to a jury trial. The number of sexual assault cases is going up here, but the acquittal rate is also going up meaning the percent of sex assault cases is rising to the point of making it past the Grand Jury, yet more and more criminals are being acquitted.

Almost half of the felony cases in Tarrant County result in “not guilty” verdicts.1

Personal Considerations

My daughter at her third birthday party, 2019.

I had to consider my own health, how the trial would affect my daughter (who was 3 at the time), what it would be like to have every recollection of my abuse on public record where anybody could read about what happened in great detail, and the financial cost from spending time away from work and nursing school, which I already had to take a year away from during the investigation and resulting re-traumatization (not to mention, freak accident).

It seemed as if the wisest choice for me would be to support the plea deal. I knew he would be pleading guilty to an assault charge (albeit a misdemeanor) and serving a maximum sentence for that, and I knew at the end of it, as long as he followed the terms of his probation, his criminal record would be clear and he would not be on any sex offender registry.

Recalling the abuse at Greenbriar Park in Fort Worth, TX, where in 1997, as Aderholt leaned up against me as I sat on the corner of a table like this, a car honked and flashed its lights at us. He said, “Let’s make this weird and give them a show.”Aderholt preaching

The trial would not guarantee a guilty outcome, and would never allow me to hear him admit any guilt. At the hearing for his sentencing for his plea deal, hearing him say, “guilty” and facing some criminal consequence plus staying healthy for myself and my daughter was worth the trade-off to me.

Something I truly believe is at the end of the day, if the “justice” a trial might bring to me, if that cost me my health, my ability to be present with my daughter, and my livelihood, would that really be justice for me?

Pastor Dwight McKissick and Jared Wellman, 2019. There were so many other supporters and advocates at the hearing. I wish I had all the photos!

The Hearing and Sentencing

On July 2, 2019, 364 days since Aderholt’s arrest on July 3, 2018, with my family, a dozen or so friends and supporters from social media, some law enforcement folks, attorneys who became friends, and SBC pastors I met along the way present in the galley behind me, Aderholt was read all of his charges and pled guilty to an added fifth misdemeanor assault charge.

He was brought by his attorney in front of the galley, between the judge and where I stood just a few feet away from him. He looked at the floor. I read my victim impact statement to him. He could not look me in the eye although I asked him to when I told him I forgave him and prayed he embraces the grace of God in his own life, that there is healing for him waiting for him to simply accept it. To end his lies. To make it right. 

Aderholt in Court 297 at the Tarrant County Courthouse, July 2, 2019

Today, he finishes his sentence and his record is wiped clean. 

He is physically free from his criminal record, but I am spiritually free because of who I am in Christ. He has that choice too.

I will close this statement with this:

May God have mercy on us.

Lord, hear our prayers.

Additional Notes:

Abuse of Faith, Part 4. Picture by Jon Shipley, Houston Chronicle

The IMB, who failed to report the abuse to law enforcement after determining in a lengthy internal investigation that my allegations were credible.

They initially did a terrible job responding to the abuse allegations and the arrest, going into a defensive, damage-control mode, inferring that I was even lying, a statement that has since been corrected. But when the interim president David Platt heard about it a couple of weeks later upon returning from remote Africa, within hours he was on the phone with me apologizing, asking for forgiveness for how the IMB responded, listening, and asking what he can do to make it right. He began the process of the IMB hiring an independent firm to conduct an examination of my case and every other abuse case reported to the IMB. Current president Dr. Paul Chitwood also asked to speak with me a few times and listened to my story and took my input.

It has not been a perfect process and even considering the last SBC annual meeting, I have hope for the future and am encouraged by the good things brave survivors and pastors are fighting for.

Hannah-Kate and Tiffany Thigpen (and another woman whose name I don’t know but is awesome too celebrate after the motion to put an independent task force over the investigation into the Southern Baptist Convention’s (SBC) Executive Committee (EC) had been adopted.. 

The fact they have to fight for them is disheartening.

But as He always does, I have no doubt God will shine a light on the truth and the evil-the evil sometimes disguised as pastors saying vile things to survivors, harassing them, even saying some are better off dead-will crawl its way back to the darkness from where it came.

And to survivors: People often say, “you are so much more than your abuse!”

I’d like to add to that and say, “You are NOT your abuse. The abuse you endured is not you.”

I promise you the light will get brighter and brighter, and healing will come, even if you feel the emptiness that lives beyond the suffocating darkness you may feel you’ll never escape.

I promise it gets better. Do not give up.

To Mark: should you find your way to reading this, please know that God is pursuing your heart just as he pursues all of ours. I pray you experience the grace you preached about for yourself. I still forgive you, and I still pray for you to find the peace and freedom that I’ve found through Christ.

To Mark’s family: I am sorry you have had to go through this difficult situation as well. You’ve constantly been in my prayers since the very beginning, decades ago. I pray for peace for your hearts too.

1 Data between 2014 and 2018, when my case was brought forward.

In 2017, I never thought I’d be back in the writing world. I “retired” and went into nursing school and closed down this blog and my public social media. I began that goodbye saying, “This is my final post.” It wasn’t, and so I won’t say that this is my final post. I only have two feet to put in my mouth and I’ve used both of them up.

The Revival

In 2018, I decided to report my childhood sexual abuse. Mark Aderholt, the man who sexually abused me in 1996, was arrested and indicted on four felonies: Indecency with a Child: Sexual Contact and Sexual Assault of a Child under 17 years old. While the Tarrant County DA accepted a plea bargain presented by the defense (Aderholt pleaded guilty to a fifth charge: Assault Causing Bodily Injury), I decided that this was the end of that trauma in my life.

Recovery is a lifelong journey, but I’ve taken my power back. This is over because I spoke the truth and I forgave him. This ending has nothing to do with his cowardly lack of admission but instead my choice to leave it behind. I had the opportunity to face him at his sentencing and read him a victim impact statement which you can read here.

This event was in the middle of a reckoning in the evangelical church (in my case, the Southern Baptist Convention and it’s foreign missions organization, the International Mission Board) and the #churchtoo movement. It’s been encouraging to see the baby steps they are taking to prevent and heal sexual abuse that’s happened in the church. It’s frustrating that (yet I am grateful for) the mainstream media bringing attention to it after years of voices within the church trying, but it is what it is, nonetheless. A personally meaningful and memorable piece was when Rachel Martin from NPR’s Morning Edition took the time to listen to my story. The last-minute of the interview is a perfect example of holding space for someone in their grief.

In the journey over the last year and a half, I saw the need for a resource for those who support survivors. I began writing it with the intent to self-publish it, but the publisher of my first book decided to pick this one up. My latest book, Healing Together, A Guide to Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors, released on October 15, 2019, through Zondervan. You can get a copy here.

As I did in 2017, I don’t expect to pick up the pen professionally again at this point. I began nursing school in 2017 and after a year hiatus due to the criminal investigation, I intend to finish my BSN at the end of 2023 and continue on to graduate school to work in psychiatric nursing. My current job at a DFW hospital system, which I love, the joy of serving my family and my patients and my focus on my education is more than enough to prevent my hands from being idle.

Practices in Healing

Some have asked what therapies and practices I’ve found to be most effective in my healing. I say the word practice because that’s exactly how it works. We practice. Sometimes we master it and sometimes we fail. The point is, we practice. Have grace and be gentle with yourself.

The below practices and resources are the ones that I’ve personally found to be exceptionally helpful at healing trauma and opening up space for me to find new joy, make daily choices to continue to grow, stay healthy, and not allow the trauma of the past to linger within my body now that the threat is gone. It’s been about nine months of intentionally choosing to move within this flow, and while there are challenging days and events, I’ve found that far more often than not, I feel balanced, calm, and hopeful. Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor or psychologist, so please check with your own health care providers to see what healthy options are available to you in your unique situation.

Physical Health



Eating a completely vegetarian (no meat or fish) diet, consuming fewer animal products (usually humanely curated cheese, butter, and eggs), fewer processed foods (keep in mind, we have a three-year-old so boxed mac and cheese is a staple). Drinking a lot of water. A LOT. No soda or alcohol, and coffee as needed but only until noon. Going to bed ideally by 9 pm (10 pm at the latest) and waking up by 5:30 am (6:30 am at the latest) even on weekends. In either case, listening to my body and giving it grace for the exceptions is just as important. Exercising in some capacity once or twice a day with slow-paced exercise. For me, it’s been yoga, mostly power yoga (yoga combined with HITT and calisthenics) for 30 minutes a day (and if I can’t do that, at least 10 in the morning or before bed). I also try walking the dogs every night after Charlotte goes to bed but when it’s cold or windy, Tim graciously walks them. Also, stretching every morning and before bed.Practicing deep breathing in the morning, at lunch, before bed, and as needed.Being more intentional about my posture. This tiny act helps breathing, the energy I put out into the space around me, and my confidence. Who knew?



Mental and Emotional Health



Sticking with a good psychiatrist and getting genetic testing. I had a psychiatrist before I reported my abuse, and I saw her a couple of times and then switched to my PCP for refills because I thought I couldn’t afford her. When things got a little screwy, I went back to her and I decided I couldn’t not afford her. She offered genetic testing for psychotropic medication because I was having some abnormal responses to SSRIs. Usually, these tests are pricey but it turns out they offer huge discounts depending on your financial need. The test showed that I don’t metabolize SSRIs so they build up in my system. Imagine a medication that is supposed to lift up your mood just getting piled up in your body. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. I had some major panic attacks and worry. The test showed that another medication that is a mood stabilizer would work in my body well. It did. I’ve been on it for almost two years now and it does exactly what it needs to do. If you can find a psychiatrist who also does psychotherapy, you’ll find a gem.In addition to medication management and some talk therapy, I’ve started seeing a coach that practices EFT, or Emotionally-Focused Therapy. EFT is a little less traditional and seems a little hippy-dippy, but it focuses on identifying the negative and uncomfortable emotions you are feeling and listening to what they’re trying to tell you. Your mind realizes that these emotions, although awful to feel, are there to help you and not harm you. It uses the meridian system and often utilizes something called tapping. If you watch some YouTube videos, it seems absolutely assinine that tapping rhythmically on points in your body would help, but this is one of the most helpful activities I’ve done for my mental health. It’s been night and day different. My anxiety is much, much less (I’ve been able to get off anxiety medication and only take it in the most relenting situations which is usually just a couple of times a month. I never thought that would be possible!) It’s an entirely different modality of understanding with and sitting with uncomfortable emotions, seeing them as an asset and not a burden to get rid of. I can’t reiterate how life-changing this relationship and this therapy have been. Because it doesn’t fall under “typical” therapy protocol, my coach has become a dear friend.In the last year, I’ve had seven ketamine infusions. Ketamine is used as anesthesia but has recently gained FDA approval to be used in treatment-resistant depression, trauma, anxiety and pain disorders. It’s another relatively expensive investment, but it has been one of the most effective treatments I’ve used. At the beginning, it felt like I needed it often, but now, I don’t have any feeling that I need it again. Ketamine infusions have proven incredibly effective at de-escalating suicidal ideation within a matter of a couple of hours.Keep an eye out for psychedelics. While I don’t recommend the use of illegal substances or condone participating in illegal activities, I have been following the research carefully. Medication like MDMA (ecstasy), LSD and psilocybin (magic mushrooms) have been fast-tracked by the FDA for many mental health issues: addiction, PTSD, depression, anxiety, end-of-life stress/fear of dying in cancer patients. They’re some of the safest and most studied medication out there, but they were stigmatized in the 1970s when they were labeled as Schedule I drugs. Thankfully the data are so strong that the government is now accepting the troves of research that show just how effective these chemicals are when used in a clinical setting with trained therapists and long-term integration. It’s not a one-and-done experience and it won’t be available to pick up at Walgreens, but I have a strong feeling that these medications will be available and changing many, many lives within the next two to ten years.It’s difficult to separate physical and mental/emotional health, so add the Physical Health category back into this one. Yoga and sleep, in particular, have been mind-savers.Journaling. As a writer, you think journaling would come naturally. It doesn’t. I’ve found that keeping a short fitness and food journal, as well as a daily gratitude journal, are really good practices for my mental and emotional well-being.Reading (listening to) books about different approaches to understanding and healing trauma. A few favorites: The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter and Miracles (Bruce Lipton, Ph.D), How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence (Michael Pollan), The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma (Bessel van der Kolk, MD), The Psychadelic Explorer’s Guide: Safe, Therapeutic and Sacred Journeys (James Fadiman, Ph.D), Following Jesus: Finding Our Way in an Age of Anxiety (Henry Nouwen).



Spiritual and Relational Health

Out of all the health compartments, this is the one I struggle with the most. I’m introverted so I refuel alone, and after working a full day with 20-30 patients and coworkers, even on the best of days (most of them!) I am mentally fulfilled and also exhausted. Even with my introvertedness, I prefer face-to-face contact, and I’m horrible at responding to email and texts. I communicate with my best friends (who don’t live in DFW) on Snapchat just so we can use video instead of texting.

With that disclosure, here are some goals I’ve set for myself and that I’m intentionally taking baby steps to accomplish. Remember: practice.

I want to join interest groups. There are a few health collectives/co-ops and yoga and hiking groups I’m trying to get the courage to show up to and practice in a group. I’ve gone to a few meetings of a DFW group that works to communicate the research behind psychedelics to people who’ve never looked at these medications in a therapeutic way. As a future psychiatric nurse practitioner hoping to help survivors of trauma, this area (if you can’t tell) is incredibly interesting to me. The group also exists to educate those who choose to use psychedelics about their risks and best practices so that if someone chooses to use these substances, they do so in an informed way. To be clear: the group does not encourage or promote the use of these medications, it is not a place to buy or sell them and anyone who joins with the intent or expression to do so is not allowed to participate. It’s an incredibly diverse group of professionals of all ages, students, city leaders, law enforcement, and religious leaders. I’ve started to explore the desire (it’s a very, very, very small desire) to start attending church again. The place where Charlotte goes to preschool is a part of a UMC church close to where we live, and we went to a couple of services there when she had events during the Sunday services. Maybe. Maybe.I’m preparing (it’s on my bedside table) to read some classic Christian literature that I used to find encouraging in the past. Maybe I’ll even pick up a Bible again. Part of this effort, as well as the desire to explore going to church, is to cautiously open up the doors for Charlotte to begin to understand the importance of faith in her life. I’m not sure what this looks like yet, but for now, being open to the idea is a scary step.

Being mindful and aware of every day and every choice has reshaped my heart’s desire into unplugging from online spaces as my norm. And like in 2017, I plan on being less engaged online and more engaged in the tangible interactions in front of me (not that there is anything wrong or bad about choosing to be engaged online; that’s an entirely valid place to exist and helps many, many people). I’ll still pop in from time to time, and I’m encouraged by rekindling old friendships and forming new friendships over the last couple of years.

I think that’s it for now. I’ve been writing this over a series of my “uninterrupted 30-minute lunch breaks” and I need to go back to work. I’ll probably be back some time. Probably. Maybe. We’ll see.

Regardless, I’m grateful. Thank you.

Postscript: More About Healing Together

Here’s the back copy of Healing Together, so you can see if it’s a helpful resource for you. I’m pretty proud of it, to be honest. The work I’ve done in nursing school researching and practicing trauma-informed methodologies proved to be extremely useful in this book. It’s not a picture-perfect “I went through trauma. I healed. Jesus saved me. He’ll save you too” kind of book. My beliefs are changing within where they are rooted and “healing” is a big word with a lot of nuanced meaning. It’s my goal that the book informs you about what trauma does to our bodies and that it offers some gentle suggestions for walking alongside someone who’s been abused.

Sex is such an intimate topic historically wrapped in shame and when someone shares they were sexually abused, we may not know how to respond.

With recent #MeToo and #ChurchToo movements, we are learning just how many men, women, boys, and girls have suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted person, often family members or leaders in the church. Sexual abuse is rampant in modern society and now–sometimes many years later–sexual abuse survivors are sharing their stories.

Anne Marie Miller is a survivor of childhood clergy sexual abuse and has shared her journey toward healing with audiences all over the world. After speaking with thousands of survivors and their loved ones, she saw the need for a fundamental and practical guide for helping supporters of sexual abuse survivors understand the basics of abuse, trauma, healing, and hope. Drawing from her own experience as a survivor and evidence-based research, Anne addresses these questions and more in Healing Together:

What is sexual abuse?

How can I help survivors?

Who are predators and how do they groom victims?

How does trauma affect survivors?

What happens when someone doesn’t remember the details of their abuse?

How does abuse wound the physical, emotional, and spiritual health of people who have been abused?

When and how should authorities be contacted?

How do you talk to your children about sexual abuse?

What are the warning signs of abuse?

Is healing possible?

Whether you are a spouse, a family member, a friend, or a church leader looking for easy-to-navigate resources to understand and support sexual abuse survivors, you’ll find answers and hope in these pages.

You can get a copy of Healing Together: A Guide to Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors right here or if you’re looking for a bulk discount for 5+ books @ $5.00 a book, you can click right over here and use the discount code “HEALING” to get that price.

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Hey, mom (and the other four people who read my blog!)

We’re (quickly) putting together a launch team for Healing Together: A Guide to Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors.

Free book, giveaways…

The first sentence of the book is “Healing Together is not an easy read.”

It’s hopeful and disturbing. It’s vivid without being gratuitous. It’s full of trauma-informed research and evidence-based sciencey things explained in a practical way. It’s hopeful. There’s humor. There are stats. It’s real. Because we need real hope.

We need honesty when it comes to talking about trauma, abuse, and how we can actually and practically help people walk in those difficult times.

You can sign up by clicking here!

As we get closer to the release of Healing Together: A Guide for Helping Sexual Abuse Survivors, I thought I’d share some practical steps I’ve found to be helpful as I’ve spent the last year and a half healing through the revival of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) that bulldozed me after reporting my childhood clergy sexual abuse (you can read my story here, here, here, and here, and my victim impact statement I read to Mark Aderholt, the man who abused me, at his sentencing just a couple of months ago.

Trauma affects us in every way: physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. Over the next few days, I’ll be posting some practical steps survivors can take to help begin healing in every area of life.

Why Healing Is Overwhelming

I’ve broken these down into those five areas, and I’m intentionally labeling them each as individual “selves,” i.e, physical self, emotional self, etcetera. Yes, trauma damages a person holistically, in every system, but so frequently survivors, as a subconscious survival mechanism, disassociate and compartmentalize these various parts of who we are. Part of recovery is integrating them back together.

If we’re not in touch with our whole “self” yet, trying to heal a little in every area all at once can get messy and confusing and we can feel defeated. Have you ever woke up on a particularly motivated day and thought, “Alright. This is it. I’m going to do it. I’m going to do it all and do it now. I’m tired of being tired all the time.”

Maybe you started eating healthy, made that counseling appointment, signed up for that book club and to run that 5k. You told your boss you can work more hours, you bought a planner, made a vision board, and reorganized your pantry.

We try to do all these things at once so we can feel like our pre-trauma selves. But, let’s say your mental health isn’t doing so great so as you take on all these engaging tasks, your mind gets exhausted and overwhelmed. It’s a quick way to burn out (and when I burn out, it’s easy to ruminate on what a failure I perceive myself to be).

I think the key is going slow, evaluating what areas we’re most affected in, affirming that it’s okay to be exactly where you are, and using our strengths as we take one. step. at. a. time. This will help us strengthen our weaker selves so we have the margin to continue healing and functioning in everyday life.

In Healing Together, I write:

The body of a survivor suffers great harm. It was the body that was violated first. In any case, another person took what God created for his good and his glory and tarnished it with evil. God does not hold the survivor responsible for what happened to their body, and he sees him or her as pure. He grieves over the pain that was caused.

To survive the abuse physically and emotionally, survivors
often disassociate or disconnect from sensations in their bodies.
For survivors, being mindful and present in our bodies after
abuse has occurred is a difficult task and can cause anxiety.

Reconnecting with our bodies requires a lot of hard work, and
usually professional help.

Anne Marie Miller, Healing Together: A Guide for Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors

Three things I have found tremendously helpful as I’ve tried to learn how to care for my physical self are:

Drink water. All the time. Pee twenty times a day. This is so important for your blood pH and electrolyte balance. I don’t like water. Find a way that you can tolerate if you’re like me. Drink, drink, drink. If I fill up my to-go coffee thermos before bed and keep it on my bathroom counter, it reminds me to guzzle down a couple of cups of water first thing in the morning, and then I use the thermos for my coffee before heading out the door.
Feed my gut nutritious food, and not feel like a failure when I eat the 682 calorie chocolate chip cookie at Panera.

(I’m not going to lie to you, so let’s get the elephant out first. I LOVE COOKIES. I love them more than most things in my life. They are my biggest dopamine providers. Panera has an almost 700 calorie cookie that is meant to be shared . I have eaten two of them in one sitting. Obviously, I know this should not be the norm and thankfully, I intentionally do not go to Panera often because I know that I will regret my choices.)

I try and live by the 80/20 rule. 80% of my food is whole food (as close to the original way it was made), is plant-based (I am 100% vegetarian meaning no fish, white meat, red meat, any meat), and is colorful. Eat every color of the rainbow in your food every day. Lately, I’ve been trying to find organic items that I can reasonably afford, and avoiding any built-in seasonings (extra preservatives and sodium) or extra ingredients (especially things with the word “isolate” in them). I find when I eat this way, I feel amazing and actually crave more nutritious food.

Notice that I didn’t say “good” food or “bad” food here. Food does not have an intrinsic moral value. The key is eating nutritious food. It requires more time, more effort, more planning, more cooking, and I understand that all those things are hard to even want to do when everything else in our body is telling us to celebrate when we get out of bed and shower some days (which is also totally okay and you have permission to do).

Here, I’ve found there is a paradoxical effect. The more time I take with grocery shopping, with reading the ingredients, with washing and prepping healthy things on Sunday evening (FWIW: that’s my worship service; you cannot immerse yourself in the colors and smells of God’s creation without being enamored. I am more grateful in my spirit when cutting up fresh cilantro than trying to “pray” the way I was taught growing up). I find I have more time during the week to eat, enjoy, have healthy options (less regret), and that gives me space to walk in my week knowing my family and I will be fed, and my physical self that needs healing is taking in food that is meant to flood my blood with vitamins and nutrients which heal damaged cells, keep my gut healthy and my immunity strong (usually not the case when we’re our system is producing extra of the stress hormone cortisol). I have more energy. I just feel better.

Some of the foods and beverages I’ve fallen in love with in this season are:

multicolored carrotsmulticolored cauliflowerradishesall the berries, apples, peaches, bananas (never go anywhere without a banana), cucumbers, sweet peppers, grapes (cotton candy grapes anybody?)strawberry Caprese salads (baby kale, strawberries, spinach, mozzarella cheese freshly torn, basil, tomatoes, loaded with flax and chia seeds and nuts with a little balsamic glaze on the side).oatmeal with fresh or baked fruit and loads of cinnamoncolumbian coffee with oat milk creamerusing veggie or lentil pasta (green lentil is the best) and mashed up chickpeas for the “meat” vibe in spaghetti saucemixed, whole grain rice stir-fried with whatever veggies I have chopped up, and baked tofu (it’s not gross, I promise)heaps of fresh fruit and vegetables cut up and ready to eat in the fridge and on the countersteamable plain veggies: super cheap, super easy, super good for youone of my easiest go-to meals is microwaved brown rice topped with microwaved broccoli with whatever beans and sometimes microwaved sweet potato chunks. 10 minutes or so, $4-$5, and gives us at least 3-5 servings.92% dark chocolate in the freezermashed avocado with hard-boiled egg (I recommend these if you occasionally eat egg since they’re more humane than most) on whole-grain toast (bonus if you can find one with seeds. My favorite is a Texas brandKombucha and other teasSome of my 20% foods are Kashi’s Go Love chocolate granola, Morning Star Popcorn “chicken,” various meat-free pizzas (Amy’s cheese or one with a cauliflower crust), pad Thai with vegan Thai sauce, and quesadillas (made with whole wheat tortillas, vegetarian black refried beans, a teeny tiny sprinkle of cheese, microwaved and then grilled in a pan, topped with corn, sliced sweet peppers, guac, and plain almond milk yogurt in lieu of sour cream). One other physical practice I’ve been slowly integrating is moving more . I don’t want to call it “exercise” because “exercise” conjures up pictures of gyms and people running outside and sweating and I am not that girl. I have tried to be that girl. I am not that girl.

Introverted me who is extremely uncomfortable exercising in front of people (a trait common amongst sexual abuse survivors) found that intentionally waking up early before my family (all the experts are right: the more you do it, the more you want to), doing yoga all by myself and watching the sun rise is immensely therapeutic. Yes, that means sometimes I’m awake at 5:15 am but it has been worth it. Amazon Prime, as well as YouTube, have free yoga programs from beginner all the way to expert and some integrate HIIT training and others are gentle and modified for people with injuries. You can always do yoga later, or some days not at all. At night, after our daughter is in bed, I take the dogs out for 20-30 minutes walking around in the quiet evening (pepper spray in hand because of hypervigilance).

I try to do both of these things at least five times a week. I find I want to do them more. It’s the weirdest thing. Also, some days my body or mind says I need to get more rest, maybe not wake up early at all, forego the official “work out” and I’m learning to respect what I need for each day without judgment.

I’ve had to remind myself none of this is meant for weight loss. It’s not a way to drop a dress size before your cousin’s wedding or the holidays. If I look at it as taking very small steps to take care of me, the pressure is off. Go at your own pace. Do what’s reasonable for you. Eat 50/50. Eat a vegetable. Walk once a week. Run a marathon. Do whatever is right for you at this moment and don’t take on someone else’s journey as your own. Unexpected Gifts

What’s surprised me with doing this over the last few months is how much I have slowed down and take time to find beauty around me. I have been awed by little flowers, immersed in the flavor of a blackberry, felt the tingle in my mouth from a kombucha, melted in a hot cup of perfectly balanced creamy coffee, saved frogs and lizards from their demise as potential dog treats on walks, and learned about what stars are shining bright on my walks.

I hope somehow these ideas that I’ve adopted into my daily habits can somehow be helpful to you. Everyone is different. Everyone needs different things. Let this list be a starting point for you. Maybe it can give you some ideas to adopt in a way that is right for your healing.

Find something your body needs, give your body that thing and celebrate that you are becoming healthier with each cucumber, each attempt at downward-facing dog, or drinking that extra cup of water today.

As my counselor says: You got this.

Next up is Part 2: Mental Health.

As we get closer to the release of Healing Together: A Guide for Helping Sexual Abuse Survivors, I thought I’d share some practical steps I’ve taken and found to be helpful as I’ve spent the last year and a half healing through the revival of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), a diagnosis I received in 2010 that was a direct result of my childhood clergy sexual abuse (you can read my story here, here, here, and here, and my victim impact statement I read Mark Aderholt (the man who abused me) at his sentencing just a couple of months ago.

Trauma affects us in every way: physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. Over the next week or so, I’ll share a few items that have helped me heal that you can begin to implement in your life as you see fit.

I’ve broken these down into those five areas, and I’m intentionally labeling them each as individual “selves,” i.e, physical self, emotional self, etc. Yes, trauma damages a person holistically, in every system, but so frequently survivors compartmentalize these various parts of who we are. Part of recovery is integrating them back together.

If we’re not in touch with our whole “self” yet, trying to heal a little in every area all at once can get messy and confusing and we can feel defeated. Have you ever tried to start eating healthy, go to counseling, involve yourself in community, or take on a new project at work all at once because you really want to get to feel like your old self? It’s a quick way to burn out (and when I burn out, it’s easy to ruminate on what a failure I perceive myself to be).

Going slow, evaluating what areas we’re most affected in, and taking one. step. at. a. time. will help us strengthen our weaker selves so we have the margin to continue healing and functioning in everyday life.

Today, we’re going to talk about our physical self.

In Healing Together, I write:

The body of a survivor suffers great harm. It was the body that was violated first. In any case, another person took what God created for his good and his glory and tarnished it with evil. God does not hold the survivor responsible for what happened to their body, and he sees him or her as pure. He grieves over the pain that was caused.

To survive the abuse physically and emotionally, survivors
often disassociate or disconnect from sensations in their bodies.
For survivors, being mindful and present in our bodies after
abuse has occurred is a difficult task and can cause anxiety.

Reconnecting with our bodies requires a lot of hard work, and
usually professional help.

Anne Marie Miller, Healing Together: A Guide for Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors

Three things I have found tremendously helpful as I’ve tried to learn how to care for my physical self are:

Drink water. All the time. Pee twenty times a day. This is so important for your blood pH and electrolyte balance. I don’t like water. Find a way that you can tolerate if you’re like me. Drink, drink, drink.
Feeding my gut nutritious food, and not feeling like a failure when I eat the 682 calorie chocolate chip cooking at Panera: I’m not going to lie to you, so let’s get the elephant out first. I LOVE COOKIES. I love them more than most things in my life. They are my biggest dopamine providers. Panera has an almost 700 calorie cookie that is meant to be shared. I have eaten two of them in one sitting. Obviously, I know this should not be the norm and thankfully, I intentionally do not go to Panera often because I know that I will regret my choices.

I try and live by the 80/20 rule. 80% of my food is whole food (as close to the original way it was made), is plant-based (I am 100% vegetarian meaning no fish, white meat, red meat, any meat), and is colorful. Lately, I’ve been trying to find organic items that I can reasonably afford, and avoiding any seasonings or extra ingredients. I find when I eat this way, I feel amazing and I crave more nutritious food.

Notice that I didn’t say “good” food or “bad” food here. Food does not have an intrinsic moral value. The key is eating nutritious food. It requires more time, more effort, more planning, more cooking, and I understand that all those things are hard to step in when everything else is telling us it’s time to celebrate when we get out of bed and shower some days. I’ve found there is a paradoxical effect. The more time I take with grocery shopping, with reading the ingredients, with washing and prepping healthy things on Sunday evening (FWIW: that’s my worship service; you cannot immerse yourself in the colors and smells of God’s creation without being enamored), I find I have more time during the week to eat, enjoy, have healthy options (less regret), and that gives me space to walk in my week knowing my family will be fed, and I will be fed food that is meant to flood my blood with vitamins, heal damaged cells, keep my gut healthy and my immunity strong (usually not the case when we’re flooded with the stress hormone cortisol). I have more energy. I just feel better.

Some of the foods and beverages I’ve fallen in love with in this season are:

multicolored carrotsmulticolored cauliflowerradishesall the berries, apples, peaches, bananas (never go anywhere without a banana), cucumbers, sweet peppers, grapes (cotton candy grapes anybody?)strawberry caprese salads loaded with flax seeds and chia seeds and nuts; a little balsamic glaze on the sideoatmeal with fresh or baked fruit and loads of cinnamoncolumbian coffee with oat milk creamerusing veggie or lentil pasta (green lentil is the best) and mashed up chickpeas for the “meat” vibe in spaghetti saucemixed, whole grain rice stir-fried with whatever veggies I have chopped up, and baked tofu (it’s not gross, I promise)Keeping loads of fresh fruit and vegetables cut up and ready to eat in the fridge and on the counterSteamable plain veggies: super cheap, super easy, super good for you92% dark chocolate in the freezermashed avocado with hard-boiled egg (I recommend these if you occasionally eat egg since they’re more humane than most) on whole-grain toast (bonus if you can find one with seeds. My favorite is a Texas brandKombucha and other teasSome of my 20% foods are Morning Star Popcorn “chicken,” various meat-free pizza (Amy’s cheese), pad thai with vegan sauce, and quesadillas (made with whole wheat tortillas, vegetarian black refried beans, a teeny tiny sprinkle of cheese, microwaved and then grilled in a pan, topped with corn, sliced sweet peppers, guac, and plain almond milk yogurt), and Kashi Go Love chocolate granola

One other physical practice I’ve been slowly integrating is moving more. I don’t want to call it “exercise” because “exercise” conjures up pictures of gyms and people running outside and sweating and I am not that girl. I have tried to be that girl. I am not that girl. Introverted me found that intentionally waking up early (all the experts are right: the more you do it, the more you want to) and doing yoga all by myself, watching the sunrise, before my family wakes up. Yes, that is sometimes at 5:15 am but it has been worth it. Amazon Prime, as well as YouTube, have free yoga programs from beginner all the way to expert and some integrate HIIT training and others are gentle and modified for people with injuries. At night, after our daughter is in bed, I take the dogs out for 20-30 minutes walking around the quiet evening (pepper spray in hand because of hypervigilence). I try to do both of these things at least five times a week. I find I want to do them more. It’s the weirdest thing.

None of this is meant for weight loss. It’s not a way to drop a dress size before your cousin’s wedding or the holidays. If you look at it as taking very small steps to take care of you, the pressure is off. You go at your own pace. You do what’s reasonable for you. Eat 50/50. Walk once a week. Run a marathon. Whatever.

What’s surprised me with doing this over the last few months is how much I have slowed down and take time to find beauty around me. I have been awed by little flowers, immersed in the flavor of a blackberry, felt the tingle in my mouth from a kombucha, melted in a hot cup of perfectly balanced creamy coffee, saved frogs and lizards from their demise as potential dog treats on walks, and learned about what stars are shining bright on my walks.

I hope somehow these ideas that I’ve adopted into my daily habits can somehow be helpful to you. Everyone is different. Everyone needs different things. Let this list be a starting point for you. Find something your body needs, give your body that thing and celebrate that you are becoming healthier with each cucumber, attempt at downward-facing dog, or drinking that extra cup of water today.

As my counselor says: You got this.

Next up is Part 2: Mental Health.

Back in June of this year, I got a message from a Twitter/Facebook friend, small-town pastor in Iowa, Eric Schumacher, someone I’ve never met in real life. He asked if I reached the end of my options trying to get my $50,000 of accident-related expenses reimbursed. (If you missed it, while I was in residential therapy trying to heal from the trauma that came from reporting my sexual abuse, I was hit in the face by a bat that slipped out of someone’s hands during a recreational therapy. I had to go into emergency traumatic surgery, be hospitalized a while, get a bunch of screws and a few plates, and after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, had to have a few other surgeries, braces, bone grafts, and a tooth implant.) This happened at a place called Milestones in Tennessee. As of today, they have refused to help me with any expenses that happened while I was in their care.)

Out of Options

After getting dropped by the only attorney who would take my case (we realized the medical negligence cap in Tennessee wouldn’t result in any helpful damage recovery), emailing Milestones many times over the last year to try and get help, applying for various grants, and reaching the statute of limitations for any civil suit against Milestones and/or the guy who accidentally swung the bat, even asking within the Southern Baptist Convention (because after all, if Mark Aderholt would have been reported to law enforcement in 2007 when they knew about the abuse, I wouldn’t have needed to go to Milestones in 2018 after I reported him and experienced retraumatization).

I was, in fact, at the end of any options I knew of. Outside of nursing school, I work at my job at a hospital whenever I get called in, I write when I can, and we try to earn money in creative/freelance ways. In May, my husband (along with a few hundred others), was laid off from the company he worked for. Those layoffs were so extreme and shocking, they made the news. We were discouraged, a little scared, but tried to remain hopeful.

I emailed Milestones once again through their attorney I was told to contact and sent them everything: medical bills, attorney statements, insurance EOBs. I’ve touched base a few times and was told several weeks ago they are waiting for their insurance company to respond (the same insurance company, I assume, who said they wouldn’t cover the accident when I first asked about it.)

Eric asked if he could start a GoFundMe for the medical expenses, which landed at about $30,000 now (an expected $6,000 in the future, and another $14,000 in related, non-medical expenses like travel and boarding for three weeks in Nashville while I waited to have various surgeries).

I sent him everything I sent Milestones, and he launched the GoFundMe this weekend. As of today, 39 people have generously donated around $4700. I was able to pay a recent bill of almost $2000, and I hope to put the next deposit toward the outstanding $5600 bill from the trauma oral surgeon (who was out of network but has worked over the last year with me to get the bill from ~$15k down to under $6k.)

Promising to Show Up vs. Actually Showing Up

Eric and 39 other people-some strangers-have stepped up to take responsibility for helping my family be made financially whole so that I can focus on recovering from the trauma of both reporting my abuse and the trauma of getting pegged in the face by a bat. They have the compassion to walk alongside someone during an incredibly tough time, even though they are entirely removed from the situation. This is unconditional love, support, and in many ways, like family. They are shining light and hope, helping us find joy in knowing we are not alone.

What’s crazy about this is Milestones actually promises to be there for their “clients” (patients) unconditionally. Their mission is to be family and “show up for you.” They promise to help you “discover joy.”

From their website:

At Milestones at Onsite, we want you to know that we stand behind you one hundred percent. We want to support you and walk with you into your recovery. We believe in unconditional love and when you come to Milestones at Onsite, you become family. We are here to help and we’d be honored to have the opportunity to show up for you and help you discover joy in your life.

Onsite at Milestones :: Link Here

In reviewing my notes from my time at Milestones (which, admittedly while I was there, was incredibly healing and shaping; the people there are really quite wonderful, which makes this all the more confusing), my primary therapist actually wrote that while visiting me in the hospital, she asked me to let them know if they could do anything to help me.

I made my ask, and they 100% refused.

Milestones is a profitable and well-respected company. From all appearances, they have amazing facilities, pay their staff well, and the cost of the average stay is typical for most residential facilities: between $25,000 and $50,000. One would assume they have insurance and because of their reason for existing: to unconditionally help people heal from traumatic events, helping a client simply pay her co-pays, a client who was traumatically harmed while in their care, would be the natural thing to expect.

But instead, everyday people with everyday rent payments, daycare, utilities, back-to-school costs…these are the people picking up where Milestones dropped the ball.

Being in a position to ask for help is awkward, especially when I log in to GoFundMe to post updates. I see babies in ICU, burn victims, cancer survivors fighting. Asking for money when there is such a great need everywhere feels wrong. And maybe it is. We have a roof over our head. We have food in the pantry. We have a savings account and a credit card from which we could take care of a lot of these expenses before they went into collections. Who are we to ask? Who are we to accept?

Please Help (Each Other)

There is so much hurt and brokenness and need in this world. If I’ve learned anything in the last year, it’s that we need to do a much better job at taking care of each other: person-to-person. We can’t rely on empty promises from elected officials, churches, Christian organizations or other companies to even do what they promise they’re going to do.

The only thing we can do is look around and when we feel that urge to help, no matter how perceivably small…whether it’s opening a door for someone, paying for that next car’s coffee in the Starbucks line, making a donation to a cause you care about or even anonymously blessing someone in some way…these are the things that will carry us through in the uncertainties of broken promises.

If you feel like making a donation to us, you can do that here. I’ll even send you my new book (and most any of my other books) for free as a thank you.

But more importantly, I urge you to explore other causes on GoFundMe too, and if you don’t feel led to help with our medical expenses, that is totally (totally!) fine. Please just give somewhere, to someone.

If you’re the person who needs to ask for help, please ask. There will be somebody there to help you out, no matter how many people (or places) have let you down before. I promise you that.

We get to carry one another.

Once upon a time not too long ago, I gave up writing books. I even cursed the industry I used to work in. Never. Ever. Again.

I started pursuing a career in nursing. Our daughter was born. Last spring, I decided to turn in the man who sexually abused me as a teenager. What followed was a blessed insanity.

I found out there was a lack of resources to help equip the people who want to support sex abuse survivors. So, I decided to self-publish a book doing that. That book is called Healing Together.

Lifeway reached out and decided to publish it and I was so excited. But then we had different ideas about the necessity of survivors attending church. So we parted ways. I went back to the original plan of self-publishing it, and Lifeway would continue helping me in that process as an act of good faith. (They were wonderful.)

THE NEXT DAY: my very first publisher from TEN YEARS AGO (Zondervan) had no idea any of this was happening and were praying for someone to write a book about the same thing I had just written.

When I announced Lifeway and I were no longer under contract, they randomly found out about it. We chatted, I took a really long time to decide, but I did choose to publish with them again (and with Lifeway’s full blessing and support and help!)

A few things changed about the logistics of this book:

The manuscript is MUCH better than I ever could have made it…holy cow. The release date is October 15, 2019. Not this summer. Because Z is a Harper imprint, they have contracts to charge certain retail prices, BUT the book will still be able to be found for free electronically as planned and $5 for paperback as planned (I’ll explain the logistics when they are available). The retail price on Amazon, B&N, etc. is exactly the same as it would have cost if I self-published it, something I am truly happy Z worked so hard on to make happen. I’m still in school and will still be going into nursing as planned & work at my hospital. I am also able to go out and support the book too. With Z’s awesome sales & marketing, I am glad the message of this book will be getting into so many hands.

I am tremendously proud of the research that has gone into this book and the editing Z did to make it easy to understand. I’m amazed that as life has carried me into studying to be a psych nurse focused on trauma it also aligned me with writing this book to help people understand trauma so they can walk alongside survivors and we can all heal together.

You can find it on Amazon here.

My mother, brother, myself and Tim. My brother refused to smile.

This morning, I had the opportunity to do something I never thought I would be able to do, emotionally or logistically: tell Mark Aderholt how the sexual abuse he inflicted on me as a teenager affected me, and that I forgave him. I did both at his hearing today at the Tarrant County Courthouse.

Sarah Smith, who first shared my story last year after Mr. Aderholt’s arrest, wrote about the hearing here. She has become such a trusted friend in the last year. Just a day after coming back from an overseas (much needed) vacation, she traveled all the way up to Dallas to be present. The gallery was full of supporters: friends from twenty years ago and friends I met just today who have been fiercely encouraging over the last year. My family was there, and Tim stood by me as I read the statement. I am eternally grateful for everyone who was there in person or in spirit.

I wanted to touch on a couple of things before you read the statement:

Mr. Aderholt was charged with a fifth crime: assault causing bodily injury. This is the crime he pleaded guilty to, and it’s a misdemeanor. I knew of this plea deal ahead of time, and knew of the sentence it likely carried. The judge did hand down the maximum sentence for this crime, but many people have expressed how the punishment is not fitting of the crime. He will not be on any registries and as long as he keeps the terms of his probation, there will actually be no record of his crimes on a background check.

Over the last year, I have learned how unspeakably complicated the criminal justice system is. So many variables go into each and every case. While I think we all can agree that Mr. Aderholt is not facing the criminal penalty he should be, the DA’s office asked for my input and wishes during plea negotiations. This included taking into consideration the emotionally charged prospect of a jury trial, facing a relentless and brutal cross-examination by his defense attorney, the impact of a trial on my family and a potential verdict of not guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. I fully trust the prosecuting attorney and the final outcome. For what it’s worth, I do not believe this will be the last time Mr. Aderholt is in a courtroom. I know the court of public opinion (and media) are appropriately convicting of his actual offenses, should he apply for a job in ministry and the organization does a quick internet search.



You will notice in my statement a very important paragraph and relatively new development: I am not the only woman Mr. Aderholt has taken advantage of sexually. While these stories are not mine to tell, they are first-hand and disturbing. They have been authenticated by an independent party. The other women helped me write this and it was with their approval that I could share this in court. They can and should (and will) keep full agency of their stories. I believe there are even more people out there who have been affected by Mr. Aderholt’s manipulation.

Others have come forward in the past few days and shared that you used their vulnerability for your sexual gratification, at times even doing so after you were told to stop.

-Anne Marie Miller, Victim Impact Statement for Mark Aderholt

When I read the statement from Mr. Aderholt’s attorney, Justin Sparks, I literally almost threw up in my mouth. This does not reflect the plea agreement in the courtroom (the judge said something to the effect of “are you pleading guilty to this charge because you are guilty of this charge?” to which Mr. Aderholt agreed.) To hear that he still maintains his innocence and he agreed to this only for the sake of the lesser punishment and for his own “closure” is reprehensible and indicative of how truly deceived this man is.

Mr. Sparks’ statement is a complete lie. Mark did plead guilty to the crime of bodily injury. If he “maintains his innocence” that just proves he either lied to the judge (hi, perjury!) or he is lying through his attorney. One more notch in the deception belt. What is on record, his pleading guilty, is the truth. What he said in the courtroom is the only thing that matters. What he said to the media is what he pays his lawyer to do: spin the truth. “Mark agreed to this result because the original allegations were abandoned and for closure.” WRONG. He pleaded guilty because he said he did it. Check the court records. Defending someone to the best of your ability is your job, Mr. Sparks. By saying he took the plea deal for reasons other than his admission implies he lied under oath when he pleaded guilty. Also in Sparks’ statement he makes it seem like the DA just gave up on the case and whipped out an offer. This is TOTALLY false. We had always prepared to go to trial. On the last docket, the defense approached and asked for time and if the DA would consider a negotiation as an alternative to an open plea (trial by judge). We agreed and they came back to US with the misdemeanor. He is taking advantage of the fact the DA’s office cannot comment on cases so he can literally spew any kind of false information without accountability. I’m here to tell you every insinuation in his statement is 100% false.

I am so glad this is over. As I state, this is the end not because of any confession or admission of guilt (which is now debatable anyway), or him asking me to forgive him (he didn’t even look me in the eye one time in the 10 minutes I read my statement, even though I said I would like to look him in the eye and tell him I forgive him). It is over because I have spoken the truth into the world and I have forgiven him. The only lies that have any power any more are the lies he tells himself.

Thank you for all of your support and prayers over the years, especially this last one. I’m going to sign off for a couple days and cuddle my little girl and celebrate the end of this with my family.

Honorable Judge Hagerman: I want to thank you for this opportunity to give this statement.

I would also like to thank Mr. William Knight and Detective Charles Cisneros who wisely and compassionately utilized the criminal justice system to hold Mr. Aderholt accountable for his character and actions.

And before I address the defendant, I want to express gratitude to my husband Tim for supporting me with enduring and sacrificial love during this turbulent time, to my family and friends, including those standing with me today in flesh and in spirit, for their encouragement, love, and prayers, and to our daughter Charlotte who gives me the strength to move beyond this trauma into a courageous and joy-filled life.

Now, I would like to address the defendant, Mr. Mark Aderholt.

My family moved from Abilene to Arlington a couple of weeks into my junior year of high school, and I was completely alone. I knew nobody outside of my family and my parents were desperately trying to make ends meet. I was questioning my faith for the first time in my life because of the way the church treated us before we moved. I grieved the rich community I left behind, so I tried to do the one thing I knew how to do in pursuit of finding friends: be the good Christian girl.

Because we weren’t going to church, I reached out to several pastors on America Online trying to find someone who could help me start a See You at the Pole event at my school. You responded to my email and we met at a McDonalds at the Hypermart off Cooper and Bardin in Arlington. After my mom met you and went to do her shopping, we talked over french fries. When we were done, we went to find my mom and the two of you exchanged seminary and missionary stories before we went our separate ways.

My See You at the Pole event failed completely and I was having a crisis of faith and identity. You encouraged me to not give up, and you invited me over to your apartment to talk and pray.

Finally, I thought. A friend.

I went to your apartment, a bottom floor one bedroom in North Arlington. As we spent time together, we got to know each other. You told me about Pampa and your time at Wayland Baptist and your mission trips and your school. You told me about your family and your sisters—one was my age, give or take. 

We had fun: We went to Kroger in your blue Grand Am and bought ice cream. You took me to have dinner at Razoo’s in Sundance Square. You kissed me and we acted silly at Greenbriar Park when a car flashed their lights at us. “Let’s give them a show,” you said. I wanted to buy a yellow truck like the one you parked next to at your apartment. You said girls who drove yellow trucks were hot.

I felt blessed to have you, this man of God, as my friend. We sat on your floor to watch a movie. As your arm brushed against mine—and then stayed there for a moment, I remember feeling nervous but excited. Did you want to be more than friends? You held my hand. You kissed me. And then you kissed me more. 

On the floor next to your TV, you were on top of me kissing. You rolled off of me for a moment and propped your head up on your arm. You asked if I was a virgin and I awkwardly said yes. You told me you weren’t, that you lost your virginity when you were 13, but it was a mistake you wouldn’t make again.

You continued kissing me and your hands wandered all over my body. No boy had ever touched me the way you touched me, or in the places you touched me. And you were no boy. You were a man, almost a decade older than my sixteen years. I was afraid to say no, afraid that I would lose one of my only friends. 

We met many times over my junior year in high school. And out of nowhere, you ended it.

You told me you were engaged and getting married later that year to a girl you met overseas. She was coming back to the states in the summer and could never find out about us. 

That was the moment everything changed. Beyond violating my body, when you told me to never talk to you again, you broke my spirit. 

The world was no longer safe and even the Godliest of men could not be trusted. I was just a body with breasts and hips and thighs and other things too intimate to name. I felt ashamed of what we did, humiliated in my naïveté. You didn’t care that I was already lost and alone and hurting when I met you. In fact, you took advantage of my vulnerability. I was the least likely person to tell anyone what you did. And although it took some time, you were mistaken.

When I turned 25 and was mentoring a 16 year old girl, I had a revelation just how inappropriate it was for you to pursue a romantic relationship with a girl who had only recently earned her drivers license. I realized you intentionally and dishonorably harmed me and violated me in the most intimate way. This wasn’t a bad break up: You manipulated me. 

You sexually abused me.

I told leaders at the International Mission Board of the Southern Baptist Convention what you did, and after they investigated it, they determined I was telling the truth. But they let you resign and over the next decade, you were promoted in your career in the SBC. I could never reconcile why they’d let you do that. It didn’t make sense. Now we know that you continued advancing because you were dishonest with everyone about your past. 

When the #MeToo movement was going viral on social media, I was mostly offline, busy as a new mom, changing diapers and starting nursing school.  As I looked down at my daughter and reflected on an article a friend sent, I thought to myself, “What am I going to tell her when she’s older? How am I going to make the world safer for her?” Surely there was something more I could do. 

I decided to report you to the authorities and go public with my story, knowing it would be a step to reclaim the truth in this false narrative you directed for so long. Knowing it was a step to put an end to the power of your dishonesty. 

On July 3, a year ago tomorrow, you were arrested.

I am grieved your family has experienced such pain because of your actions. However, you also need to know the dramatic and traumatizing way your disregard for me as a woman and as a sister in Christ has affected me.

Nine years ago, I checked myself in to an inpatient counseling facility. I was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder because of what you did to me.

I wanted to heal: I wanted to be able to not have a panic attack or feel a searing pain between my legs when I had sex. I didn’t want to shake with fear every time I saw a mid-nineties blue Grand Am. I wanted to drive down Highway 360 to visit my parents without getting nauseous when I passed your old apartment. I didn’t want to feel dread driving by Greenbriar Park every time I went to spend time with my grandparents. Even this year as I would visit my dying grandmother, I would see that park. Something as sacred as her final days were cloaked in the shadows of evil from when you sexually abused me.

During the investigation last year, there were days I couldn’t get out of bed because of my anxiety. Our daughter, who had just taken her first steps, toddled to the bedroom door saying,  “mama, mama” and my husband would redirect her saying, “mama’s sleeping,” even though I wasn’t. I was so exhausted, but yet I couldn’t stop crying. I thought my husband and daughter would be better off without me: a broken, hopeless person.

Mark: you need to know that what you did to me made me want to kill myself many times. I even tried once a few years ago, but I couldn’t figure out how to work the gun. 

On Mother’s Day last year, about a month after the investigation started, I headed to Nashville and went to inpatient therapy again because of my suicidality. While I was there, you were coming home from a mission trip, telling people about a fabricated lawsuit you were supposedly settling with me: a woman from your past who was suing you—something, by the way, that has never happened. When you were on your plane home, I was in an ambulance heading to Trauma Bay #2 of Skyline Hospital in Nashville, out of my therapy treatment two weeks early, because of a freak accident. During a game of baseball, someone lost their grip on the bat and it missiled into my jaw, breaking it in four places. I’ve had four surgeries, two bone grafts, plates and screws and braces and implants. My face will never be the same. 

The cost of this accident and all of the mental health expenses over the last two decades has a price tag of hundreds of thousands of dollars. This is just one more way I’ve suffered because of the abuse, and it will forever affect my family’s financial future.

When I first wrote this victim statement, I wrote about how I prayed that you were a statistical anomaly. I wrote about how I hoped I was the only person you sexually violated. 

I have since learned you are not an anomaly. 

I am not the only woman you took advantage of. 

Others have come forward in the past few days and shared that you used their vulnerability for your sexual gratification, at times even doing so after you were told to stop. There are hearts everywhere damaged by your refusal to own up to what you’ve done. The truth is exploding out from all the places you have hidden it. You can no longer hide in the duality you live in. 

Mark, here we are, face to face, 22 years after seeing each other for the last time. My heart is no longer broken. It has been rebuilt by love and faith and those who have helped carry it and patch it over the years.  I never thought I’d see you again, ever, but now I can and I want to look you in the eyes and tell you I forgive you. 

I forgive you, Mark. For all of the pain, the time I had to spend away from loved ones, the fear of intimacy, and the financial losses. I forgive you for stealing the good I believed about the world and for damaging the image of a perfect and loving God who I still often doubt cares for me or protects me. 

I forgive you. And my heart aches for the person-the man-you could be if you would just tell the truth and accept the responsibility that comes with it.

I used to believe that in order for this ordeal to be over, you needed to tell the truth and ask me to forgive you. I know now that’s not the case. This is over because I have spoken the truth. It’s over because I have forgiven you. Your lies have no more power. 

This is over, Mark. This is the end.

I do pray, however, that it is a new beginning for you.

I pray you begin to feel the pulse of conviction pursuing your heart. 

I pray you begin to immerse yourself in the repentance and forgiveness you have spent your life proclaiming but never fully experiencing. 

I pray that you begin to choose to live honorably and honestly for yourself and for your family.

And I pray you will know the holy and saving power of God’s perfect and unconditional love. God loves you so much, Mark. Please ask for the strength and the help you need to be made whole. He does not forsake those he loves. He hasn’t forsaken me. He won’t forsake you either.