Ashley Dun's Blog

hello there, friend.

if you're familiar with the space, it's been quite awhile, hasn't it? 

the last time we met here together my life looked very different. the last time we met here i lived in columbus, ohio. the last time we met here i was married. in the past two years or so there as been so much change. there's been grief and mourning and beauty and love. there's been so much healing and i've spiritually grown over ten feet tall. 

so, while there are plenty of details to be shared about those changes, i think i'd like to share in small bits. i will share them here as time goes on, in the meantime, maybe we can get coffee and talk about it all. for now, i just want to say hello, and i hope, despite all of our growth and change, we can pick up where we left off. 

among the many things i have to speak with you about, i must say that my mental health has ebbed and flowed since we last spoke. there have been some high peaks and some very deep valleys. but i'm still here. with the help of therapy and art and friends i am still here.

i hope you stay here too. 

life can be inexplicably heavy and aching and harsh winds, but we hold on together. i'm here. you're safe. the storm always passes. 

oh, by the way, if it's your first time in this space, welcome! please feel comfortable to come as you are. keep your shoes on if you want, the floors aren't that clean anyway. 

if it's your first time in this space, please let me introduce myself. 

my name is ashley dun. i write poetry and talk about deep feelings and the sometimes-scary-human-moments and healing from those together. in february of this year i moved to santa barbara, california and i am cleansed daily by the beauty and kindness of this place and its people.

and speaking of poetry, 

i've been working on a new book. 

quite a bit actually. working so hard that it is actually almost finished. and it will be released through secret midnight press - before the end of the year. the moment i know a specific date, i'll let you know. i'm very excited about this one, ya'll. 

so, all this to say, if you're a familiar, i've missed you. if it's your first time here, i'm so glad you came. i plan to express myself here regularly again. 

i'd like to start by doing a Q&A post in the next week. please email me your questions and i will try to get to as many as i can :) if you want, tell me one of your favorite things about yourself after the question! sign with your name if you'd like your name posted, or leave it blank to remain anonymous <3 

send your 'Qs' to theashleydun.com and check back for the 'A' post very soon.

if you haven't realized yet, it's been awhile since i've been here, so i'm not entirely sure how to wrap this up. so i'll leave you with a photo of me hanging out with a cat named crybaby lovewonder.

i hope that your day has been and continues to be gentle to you. 

talk to you soon, friend.

xo,

Ashley

Listening to:

Dionne (feat. Justin Vernon) - The Japanese House

on the two year anniversary of my first book's release, pre-sale begins for my second book: A Lens To See Behind The Sky. pre-orders begin november 14, 2018 with a ship date of december 1, 2018. getting to you in time for christmas.pre-order on amazon - or through secret midnight press for an exclusive signed copy!

i can't believe it's been two years. in 2016 my good friend jesse cale and i decided together to finally put together our books of poems written over years. 
instead of just self-publishing, we wanted to create a home, a world even, for fellow deep-feelers like us. so on november 14, 2016 we launched secret midnight press. you can read more about that here.
that day i published my first book of poetry. a simple little book called smoke signals (burn this). the response to this was overwhelming, and i was immediately inspired to continue creating. so over the past two years i have been writing and dreaming about my next creation. 


if this is your first time here and you haven't read any of my poetry, i've posted a good amount of it here!
if you've been here before, you know that i speak quite a bit about my struggles with mental health issues, and this book is no exception. there are dark moments. moments which i hope help shed a light on the daily struggles of depression and anxiety. moments which i hope help those who relate feel less alone. 
when i began dreaming of this book, i knew i wanted it to be more immersive. to contain ways for the reader to interact, to be challenged even to think deeply and to look inward. 



i've been enamored by vintage books for as long as i can remember, even obtaining a pretty decent sized collection. so i wanted to bring in some of those elements to this book.
there will be a vintage-inspired special edition hardback available exclusively through secret midnight press.  i am the most excited about this. 
i was gifted a vintage typewriter when i was seventeen, and still use it often. i used it to create letters and collages with old photographs to experience throughout the book. 




all of the old photographs throughout the book were taken of or by my great-grandfather william s. dun. his son, my grandfather, was a war photographer as well. creativity, it seems, runs deeply in my family. 
the photography my great-grandfather william took of his travels all over the world and his time in the war evoke such emotion, which i think fits in the world of poetry; in the world of feeling everything. 


i also reached out to my friend emma ruff, who is similarly passionate about poetry and vintage things, to create a handful of collages based on my poetry. here is a sneak peak of her wonderful art:

some more important things about this book:

Smoke Signals (Burn This) will become part one of the four parts of this bookthis means smoke signals as a single entity will be discontinued
i also included poetry from the collaboration book with jesse cale live poems love poems.i plan to do at least one US tour in 2019 reading both new and old poems. hopefully other countries as well! what city could i meet you in? we're hoping to tour this coming spring :)



this is my final typewriter poem that i will be running as a contest on my instagram. check my instagram stories to win a signed and framed copy of the book's title poem. the winner will be entered to win a signed copy of the book once it's released.

thank you, as always, from the bottom of my heart. for those who have been there since day one, who have encouraged and supported my growth through all of these growing pains the past couple of years. and to you reading this right now.

i hope this book makes you feel seen. i hope this book gives you courage to fight the darkness. there is light on the other side. i promise. i've seen it. 




xo,
Ashley

Listening to: 
We Have a Map of the Piano - Múm

////
i don't remember what i was wearing. i don't remember what i brought with me. i only remember what i wasn't allowed to bring. a razor, tweezers, makeup, cell phone. they collected these things while i checked in, my parents signing the consent forms, a glossy haze over our eyes. my breath was bated, scanning the open room of the people i'd be spending an indefinite amount of time with. the hierarchy was stark and obvious. white coats ruled the land. they could come and go as they pleased - a royal privilege. the blue scrubs distributed medication. no one realized that these were the ones really running the show. their humble degrees, simple task of handing you a small pill with water and checking under your tongue - they had the power. i observed these things in the first brief moments before my mother walked me back to my room. "these rooms are typically reserved for the more disturbed" the white scrubs leaned toward my mom and said in a loud whisper, "solitary confinement." she continued to explain that they were waiting for a shared room to open up for me. "it's our busy season." whatever that means. 
the small bed with a scratchy grey blanket was in the far corner of the white room, a small table with a lamp next to it. above the bed was a large window, the whole world on the other side. this window had bars across it, god forbid i would try and exit this way, seventeen floors up. 
my mom and i sat on this springless mattress, fighting feeling anything. how can a mother be equipped to say goodbye to her daughter in a solitary room in a psychiatric ward in a local hospital? how can a daughter be prepared to stay strong for her mom while her own world is walling up in front of her? the answer is that one cannot be prepared for this circumstance, we gave in and ended up crying until we couldn't anymore. she squeezed my hand and left. as the door closed behind her the walls seemed to shrink in. 
the following week exists in my memory as a black and grey watercolor painting, left outside in the rain. knocks on my door woke me up every few hours to be refilled with tranquilizers. i could barely carry myself to the common area. "it'll help you to socialize. watch TV with the others." i felt like i was deep under water, creatures around me were inanimate, they talked but it might as well have been heavy rocks dropped into the ocean. 
i met with a team of however qualified whomevers, sitting around a long table, they asked me questions about my health. there were no study notes for this quiz. my new roommate gave me hints to the answers. she'd been in for months and learned the hard way how not to answer. she'd learned to say what they want to hear. 
////
looking into a prism, this is a brief, flash reflection of my experience in the psychiatric hospital ten years ago. self harm and suicidal ideation took me there. 
i don't talk about this with many people. i fear the stigma that will follow. 
loaded words with blank-bullet meanings. 'crazy', 'unstable', 'weird'. these words really hold no weight as there is no true antonym that exists. 'normal' is a prerogative. 'vulnerable' is an adjective i'll allow. to me, vulnerability is bravery and trust. you're baring your weak parts to a potential threat in hopes that peace will come from it. true humanity is not to hide. i believe humanity is finding strength and sharpening it. we must realize our weaknesses and work to strengthen them. this is survival. 
here's the thing. when you look a stranger in the eyes your souls briefly connect. what's behind those blue and brown windows is a tapestry of experiences. joy, suffering, and so similar to your own. 
'weird' means a more colorful tapestry. 'crazy' means a few loose threads from use. 
throw stigmas out the window. keep judgements at bay. stories are beautiful, and your soul is even more.

please share your story. please ask for help if you need it. there are communities of people who are safe, who want to listen.

for suicide prevention week (september 10-17) Secret Midnight Press is donating 20% of profits to The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (this includes sales of my book).

please remember that you are loved. please remember that it gets better. i know this because i've been there. it gets better.



i'll leave you with this friendly reminder:


my new book is coming to you in november! and with each blog post leading up to this i will be doing a contest on my instagram story. 
i will be hand-typing a new poem, and if you repost my story, you can win a signed & framed copy. 
plus the winner is entered to win a personalized copy of my new book once it's out. 





  xo,

Ashley


Listening to:

Happiness - Jonsi & Alexp.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #454545} p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #454545; min-height: 14.0px} li.li1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #454545} ul.ul1 {list-style-type: circle}

hello sweetest soul,
it's been awhile. i've taken some time off blogging for many various reasons (mostly mentioned in my last post), but i've missed it dearly. this is a special place, and i'm ready to talk with you again more regularly. i've been working on learning my way around vlogging, so that'll be a new thing for us coming soon :)
but right now i want to talk briefly about this past weekend. 
there was music, there was poetry, there was hope. imagine you've been holding your breath for weeks and months and someone finally tells you it's okay to exhale. that's what Atlas Black was for me. 


it's a world where you can be whoever you want to be. create a character, or be the most stripped down version of yourself. i found myself being a little bit of both. i found myself on stage sharing my soul to a group of humans who couldn't be more gentle with it. it's a loving community of creatives, feelers, fire-breathing living creatures. you're allowed to be you here.

on sunday my friend jesse cale put on black feather wings and i put craft glitter glue on my face and we went on stage and shared our hearts. this was just one of the many layers of the weekend that was The World of Atlas Black .



Atlas Black is a yearly art festival put on by secret midnight press. it's a dream we had in 2016 and brought to life in 2017, a dream where creatives can step out of the darkness and feel free if only for a moment. here is a video describing the vision: watch here.



videos of me reading:



our newest author lee martens kicked off the evening with her beautiful and heartbreaking stories. we also offered an open mic at the end and so many stunning humans shared their art. i was in awe of the vulnerability and raw talent. 
meeting many of you afterward was even more inspiring. the amount of love and honesty shared in this space warms me from head to toe. 







we talked about mental illness and the struggles of being a creative empath. we talked about hope, about knowing that your joy is worth fighting for. you are worth fighting for. 
i plan to talk more about these things in the coming weeks. i can't wait to dive to the depths again with you. to discuss the hard things, the things that weigh a lot, but how we can help each other lighten the burden. we're in this together. 


thank you for making it this far. it's time for the announcement:
i let the world know on stage this weekend that i am finishing up my new book! 
coming to you in november. and with each blog post leading up to this i will be doing a contest on my instagram story. 
i will be hand-typing a new poem, and if you repost my story, you can win a signed & framed copy! plus the winner is entered to win a personalized copy of my new book once it's out :)
i am so excited for this new chapter, friends. i can't wait to share and grow stronger with you. 


  xo,
Ashley


Listening to:


Billie Eilish - Six Feet Under (Jerry Folk Remix)

when i look into the mirror i don’t see myself. 
i see a reflection through the lens of everyone else. i see a person who isn’t as pretty as that one girl, as funny as that other person, as interesting or smart as she wants to be. it’s a comparison game and the more time i spend in front of screens, the worse it gets. 
like most people with smart phones, i would say that i’m addicted to social media. or at least have been at different points. i can’t be in an elevator or waiting room without constantly scrolling through these portraits of posed lives. we’re all putting our best foot forward and there’s nothing wrong with that. i think the problem is when we forget that people are people which means they suffer too. even if it doesn’t look like it on their page.

i find myself comparing amounts of followers and likes and retweets and i can feel my self-worth taking hits all day long. these painful punches knock me to my knees and for what? for this false sense of success and security in numbers. 
but i’m working on it. 
i spent the summer seeing an incredible therapist who helped me work through a lot of the relentless dark thoughts that have always seemed to just be a part of ‘who i am’. turns out this isn’t the case. i defined my values and gifts and the things that fulfill and bring me joy. turns out those things are ‘who i am’ and not my self-esteem that day or any culmination of compliments or insults. i am much, much more than that. 
i am the sky, and the dark thoughts or days pass through like storm clouds, but those storm clouds don’t make the sky anything less than the sky. the 'i'm not good enough' thoughts can float by and i am still me, strong, and with gifts to share. 
my self esteem and identity have been linked to social approval for too long. so earlier this year i started to slowly attempt to tame this beast. in the world that we’re in, unfortunately, in certain career paths, a social media presence is crucial for success. so as much as, on my worst days, i’ve wanted to just delete everything and go dark, i don’t believe i have this option. and then i remember the lovely things about it, like all of the kind people and their words and the friends i’ve made. so i decided to work on having a healthier relationship with it. 
if i start noticing myself allowing the numbers and comparisons to crush my spirit, or if i’m noticing that it’s difficult or impossible to be present in the moment, i’ll delete the apps - even if just for a day or two. the first day i did this was painful. i kept opening my phone and going for the ghost of the instagram or snapchat apps and feeling uncomfortable that i may be missing something important. the second day was easier and i began to nice a sense of relief.  p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #454545; min-height: 14.0px} p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #454545} i wasn’t looking at my experiences through a lens of what other people may want to see. i realized how much this was robbing me of truly living in the moment. i’m able to be in a beautiful moment, and not feel the need to take photos to impress other people. i can just be there and feel it all. so i guess what i'm trying to say is,
i'm working on it.
as i've been trying to find the balance of a healthy relationship with the internet, i found myself backing off more and more. i haven't written on here in what feels like ages, and i've been quieter in the day-to-day elements of social media. i'm taking time to find joy outside of other peoples' approval. it has, and will be, an ongoing battle. i care so deeply for people, i want to help, i want to love, and i want to be loved. i'm working on balancing those wants with a healthy sense of identity. 
i so appreciate your patience through this process. i would love to hear any stories or experiences working on this relationship with social media. it can be such a beautiful, connecting tool that awakens us to so many things going on in the world. but never let it rob you of joy and fulfilling experiences or relationships right in front of you. 
xo,
Ashley


Listening to:

Carla Bruni - Moon River


PS
first round of tour dates are here! jesse and i will be doing an instagram livestream today (friday 12/1)  at 6pm eastern :) hope to see you there!

anxietypulls at the thread that holds you together you feel it unravelingthis painful separation from yourself this frighteningfreedom of overwhelming thoughtletting the light in whereit hasn't been beforeblinding and burning it's awakening sensesthat are better keptsleeping it's grotesque in itsreality not hiding like the others justbaring boney teeth there'snothing to hide
whenanxiety opens up the autopsy of what's reallyinside
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
sometimes i sit and daydream about what it would be like to live a quiet life. to have a quiet mind, a heart that sleeps soundly at night. i am truly envious of those who are able to walk through life without soaking up the sorrow of it all. i absorb all around me. it's beauty and it's suffering and it's hard to find balance. 
depression isn't just feeling 'sad'. it's not always related to circumstances, it's not an equation to solve. someone once asked me if i knew what the root of my depression is. i told them i wish there was one. because if there were roots, i could pull them out of the ground and be free. instead it's a component of the soil, a natural element that i'm not sure i'll ever have the tools to remove. 
recognizing this is not a white flag of defeat. no, i'm shaking hands with it and agreeing to work with it. i'm agreeing to row against the rushing current because there are calm waters ahead. 
some days i'm fighting. some days i'm soaking in the sun. others i let the rain come down on me and i weep with the sky. it's a cycle just like everything is a cycle. we rotate together. 
what calms me is that i'm not in this alone. what calms me is that there are people who understand. what i'll never know is why some people don't try to understand. i'm jealous of the people who don't have to. 
in the meantime i look for speckled sunlight, rays floating through leafy branches, the rustling of life when the wind comes. i know that the earth suffers with me. we're aware of the weight and fragility of existence. 
p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #454545} p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #454545; min-height: 14.0px} as a feather on a bird's wing, we're here for a brief moment but we are involved in the movement. sometimes i sit and daydream about what it would be like to live a quiet life. i'll find my peace in soaring wings. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

if you've followed my blog for some time you'll know that writing is a catharsis for me during the bad days. i'm not always able to end on a hopeful note, but i always try. 
things are busy as ever with secret midnight press (launched summer boxes today !!) and i have big plans and goals for my personal writing. after finishing up my eight week self care series, i decided that i'm going to take some time to work on my new book, soak up the summer months. i will continue posting as often as i'm inspired to (which may very well be once a week), but i won't be on a set schedule.
please subscribe so that when i do post, you'll see it in your email and we can keep doing this thing together.
knowing you're out there, reading this, feeling it all with me, brings more comfort than you know.
i'm so thankful for this safe place, and have so many plans for us to come.
xo,
Ashley

Listening to:
Sigur Ros - Glósóli(^this video is so wonderful)p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; color: #454545}

self-care series((part eight of eight))

i'm not sure how long the term 'self-care' has been around. some people might hear it and cringe because they believe it's something millennials came up with as an excuse to take long baths every night and prioritize laziness over responsibilities. some people might write it off as being overly sensitive and wasting valuable time. or maybe it just scares some because they've never taken the time to even think about what it would look like to take care of themselves. 
i think i can relate to the last example. this eight week journey has truly been an enlightening one. if you're just stopping by now, i'll give you the highlights. 
part one - taking the time
some might argue that time is the most valuable currency. recognize that your contentment is worth an immeasurable amount. you deserve self-care.
part two - getting to know the person living in your skin
each soul is as unique as a fingerprint. the better you know yourself, the better you can know your strengths and weaknesses, as well as gifts that you give in relationships, and what you need from others. knowing yourself is loving yourself.
part three - wandering (facing fears)
pushing your limits and doing the things you are afraid of will build incredible strength and confidence. even if you fail, it is worth the wisdom gained from experience. 
part four - accepting love
it can be difficult to take a compliment or really let someone into your heart. it's scary to be this vulnerable. but there are people that want to love you where you are, you just have to let them.
part five - accepting your flaws & setting goals for change
no one is perfect. we all have flaws, some we can change and some we cannot. recognizing the difference between the two is so important. once you determine the weaknesses you can strengthen on your own, set realistic goals to overcome these challenges. 
part six - knowing your worth
you are more than a number. you are not your instagram followers, your grades, your weight, your age. you are a sparkling spirit that makes the world better. 
part seven - forgiving someone
if i haven't said it enough, we are all flawed. we hurt others out of our own brokenness. recognizing that your wounds were given by wounded people can be freeing. forgiveness (even if it's not asked for) is an incredible weight lifted off of you.

and now this brings us to the final part of our self-care season. personally, i saved the worst for last. or more accurately, the most difficult. so we've established that we're all flawed, broken, but incredibly special and wonderful at the same time. we've taken the time to bring light to our dark places and and realize that no one is free from insecurity and pain. we've maybe even taken small steps to let go of a hurt that we've been holding onto.
even through all of this, it may still be difficult to look in the mirror. maybe when you close your eyes at night there are painful visions of moments you wish you could change. maybe your grip isn't as tight as you wish it was. what i want you to know is that everyone experiences this. everyone falls and fails and cracks around the edges. 
i recently had a conversation with a friend about how everyone is 'weird' in their own way, just some people hide it more than others. 'normal' is relative. normal can change on a daily basis, or it can change after a traumatic experience. it's okay to shift and adjust your normal. it's okay to take five steps forward and then two steps back. this is the dance with life that we are all learning and will never truly master. 
the point is that you're trying. and the fact that you're still reading this means that you care about your happiness. you care about your mental health and clarity. maybe it's buried beneath layers of shame and guilt and uncertainty, but hope is there.
self-care is not just repeating phrases about loving yourself and maybe getting an occasional massage or pedicure. self-care is a life-long journey. it is a practice. take your time with it. breathe it in and let it make a home in your heart. you'll fail because we all fail. you'll get hurt because you're human. 
self-care is fighting for your joy through the pain. it's finding peace and contentment in any situation. it's being patient with yourself while you grow.
please never forget that you deserve it.

xo,
Ashley

Listening to:
Sia - Loved Me Back To Life
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self-care series((part seven of eight))



words can cut like the sharpest knife. abandonment hollows you. neglect and selfishness are a toxic poison we've all drank. we're all victims in some form. no one is spared from emotional abuse, it's the root of our humanity. survival of the fittest. save yourself.
i still remember harsh words spoken to me when i was a child. i remember being very young, and a girl in my neighborhood pointing and laughing at me with her friends. she was taunting me for my (pre-braces) crooked teeth. i was horrified, but also very aware of one thing... this girl's teeth were more crooked than mine. 
it was a lesson i learned early in life which shaped my worldview. the one that hurt you has been hurt before. bullies are the most broken. hatred is a weed that grows when love isn't there to pluck it out. 
so while there's no excuse for treating another person poorly, knowing that the cold heart is a broken heart can give us a powerful tool to carry throughout our entire lives. 
the first step is recognizing the darkness in the person that hurt us. we're all broken, we're all bleeding. but it's up to you to rise above the injustices of life. it's up to you to fight for your happiness. 
i've been told that holding a grudge is like drinking poison in an attempt to hurt someone else. we only hurt ourselves. somehow it's easier to hold onto the hurt. we can cling to it and control it. maybe we think that if we let it go it will grow. that holding it tight keeps it at bay. but this is simply not true. it is a shackle at our feet for which we have the key. 
forgive him for you. forgive her for you. only you can set yourself free from bitterness and the heavy weight of anger.
there is one thing i'd like to clarify. forgiveness does not mean approval. it doesn't mean that you're saying that what they did to you was okay. you're merely accepting it as a part of your story. a coal in the fire of the kiln that shapes you. you're making peace with the fact that the person that broke you is more broken than you. it's wishing healing and wholeness for them, despite what it seems they deserve. 
we are all on a journey. as humans we will hurt people, despite our best efforts not to. if you are holding tight to pain in your palm, releasing it is one of the best things you can do for yourself. it can be a process, take your time. you deserve to be free. 

xo,
Ashley

Listening to:
Passion Pit - Moth's Wings
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self-care series((part six of eight))
- your worth is beyond numbers -
each night i lay in the dark, desperate for sleep and instead of counting sheep i count calories. as the tally racks up, i berate myself for being born as a living creature who needs food for survival. 
each morning i carry my corpse to the scale, barefoot on the cold glass i watch the numbers spin. it's gone up .2 and suddenly its harder to hold myself up, as though the weight is added to a bag on my back. 
i unlock my phone and open each social media app one by one. i've dropped a follower and my photo likes are nothing compared to hers.
subconsciously i add up these numbers and feel the punch of a stamp on my chest. the total number labels me and everyone can see it glowing in the dark. 
hi i'm 325, nice to meet you. 
i catch myself, repeat the number, trying to correct myself until i'm finally able to say my name. 
this is a problem that i believe plagues every person at some time in their life. from age to weight to net worth we're surrounded by numbers. it's easy to find your worth in them. 
this is something i've struggled with ever since i can remember. as i've been working to shift my focus from self-hatred to self-care, i've become increasingly aware of my daily struggle with self-esteem. i've let the voices of the media make themselves at home in my heart. they tell me that no one will like me if i'm not thin enough, if i'm not pretty enough, if i'm not wealthy enough. and the expectation is practically unmeetable. 
as i work to capture these negative thoughts as they happen, i am trying to replace them with positive ones. i must believe in my heart that i am worth loving. and it's not easy. 
i imagine that i'm not alone in this struggle. that i'm not the only person out there who has tried to find my self-worth in these temporary things. if you're with me in this, i hope you know how wonderful you are. i hope you know that your spirit is so strong and your life holds so much more meaning than the shapes and numbers that you hold onto. you can leave a legacy of love and acceptance, but this starts with you. 
you must dig out the hurtful thoughts by the roots. don't let them back in. look in the mirror and say 'i love you.' tell yourself that you're worth is found in the lives you touch, the joy you bring to those around you, the warmth you give. these things can't be measured in numbers. tell yourself that there are galaxies within you, a unique beauty that only you can give.
it may not be easy. it may be something that we fight for every day, but i know that it'll be worth the fight.
we're in this together. 


  xo,
Ashley 

Listening to:
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self-care series((part five of eight))
i've always considered myself to be self-aware, which for me also includes being incredibly insecure. i have memories of being very young, looking in the mirror, and only seeing things i wished i could change. 
still not a day goes by that i don't think about the smallest details of me that i wish were different. but what good can come from just sitting around thinking these thoughts? really, i'm only slowly sipping at poison.
so while i'm working on taking care of myself, i thought about how i could grab onto these thoughts as though they're balloons, let some go, and take others and shape them into something beautiful. 
while these words are so often thrown around, they hold a life changing amount of truth: nobody's perfect. a human is a human, we all struggle and suffer and cry and wish we could change. 
so let's take that desire for change and let it fuel a fire of love and passion within us. let's find what we have the power to change and set realistic goals to change them. emphasis on realistic. 
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if you wish had a different sleep schedule, that you could wake up earlier than noon on your days off, maybe don't set your alarm for 6am and expect a change overnight. or if you are wanting to cut back on sugar, it doesn't always work to eliminate it completely the next day. for some people the extreme change can be what they need. in my experience, i try and make these big changes and when i don't see results right away, i give up. most often, i think gradually easing into change can be the best thing. 
sometimes the first step is asking for help. it's hard to make changes alone. this can be as simple as going to a dermatologist for your acne, or as big as asking help for an addiction. accountability is so important. 
if you look in the mirror and wish your teeth were whiter, allow yourself to budget in whitestrips from the grocery store. you deserve it. it can be little things like this that we constantly think about being different, but don't take the step to change them, maybe because we don't feel that we deserve that extra care. i'm telling you now that you do. 
so we've identified some things that we have control over in our lives. what about the things that we don't? this is the bane of existence, but it's an eternal truth. we'll never have full control. there are some things about ourselves that, realistically, aren't in our control to change. these things are mostly appearance-related for me. 
so maybe there are things about the way you look that could be fixed by plastic surgery or extreme measures, but this isn't entirely realistic for you. i don't love my nose, but i don't plan to go under the knife any time soon, so instead of dwelling on it, the healthiest thing for me to do is accept that it's the face i was given, and focus on parts of it that i love. i do love my eyes, so when i start to think about what i don't like, switch gears in my mind to what i do. 
nobody's perfect. we all have things about ourselves that we wish were different. it can be easy to think that everyone is looking at you and only seeing flaws. maybe you do struggle with comparison and looking at people around you with a critical eye. i've found a practice that helps with this: if i'm in line at a grocery store or sitting in a busy mall, i'll look at each person near me and think about the lovely things about them. i notice the woman in front of me has beautiful hair, and the young girl walking by has a warm and lovely smile. this can be a way to train your brain to notice the beauty first. as you're doing that with others, you can start doing it with yourself. and if you get a chance, tell the person what you think is beautiful. compliments can truly make someone's day and possibly help with their own insecurities. 
know that your soul is so special and so valuable and so much more than the skin surrounding it. you are strong and have the power to make peoples' lives better, and what is more beautiful than that? 


xo,Ashley

Listening to:
The 1975 - I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it