Aaron Incpin Jones's Blog

[image error]

Why did my relationship end? Why did you hurt me? Was it someone else? Why did you cheat on me? What did I do to make you lose interest in me? What did I do wrong? What part of me is broken? In the aftermath of relationships gone sour there often can be one party that pulls the plug on the relationship and moves on to greener pastures. When that person moves on without providing any logical explanation, it can leave you with extreme self-doubt. So how do you get over this feeling of self-doubt, guilt, pain, and anguish? The answer is you need closure but how do you get closure?

What is Closure?

Mariana Bockarova wrote in Psychology Today, “Closure is knowing the reason a romantic relationship was terminated and no longer feeling emotional attachment or pain, thereby allowing for the establishment of new and healthy relationships.” When relationships end, there is pain because something that you have invested your time, emotions, and physical body in is now lost. However, that pain is only increased when the relationship ends, and you are left with questions as to why it ended.

Where is Closure?

A bad break up can leave a person with post-traumatic stress disorder. You may find yourself no longer being able to trust your own judgment, questioning every decision, afraid to move forward, and doubting that anything good will ever happen to you again. You can begin to punish yourself, and if not careful you may go down a road of reckless behavior to get a fresh start. In the book “Anotha on the Hitlist,” December finds herself distraught after finding out her boyfriend Ace was living a double life and cheating on her. She had so much trust and faith in her perfect relationship until Ace pulled the rug from under her feet. She began to increase her partying, hanging out with a new crowd of friends, until she found herself in a compromising position which almost ruined her life. Sadly, many people go through this process because obtaining closure is not easy.

How Do I Obtain Closure?

Facts, your ex-partner may never tell you the truth as to why your relationship ended. They may never have the courage to be brutally honest and explain why they chose to destroy your world. In the book “Colder than December,” Sean finds himself spiraling out of control as yet another woman has chosen to walk out of his life. He begins to question everything from his character to his physical appearance and ultimately he finds himself on the path to self-destruction. If you actually want to gain closure, you must be honest with yourself. Understand that sometimes things don’t work out, feelings change, people are not perfect, and this is not the end of the world. The true closure is understanding that you don’t need an explanation as to why someone else chose to hurt you or walk away from you. The truth is they have done you a great favor because they are no longer taking up your precious time which they once wasted. They have given you the freedom you need to start a new path. Look in the mirror and fall in love with yourself. Let the questions go and decide that you are worthy of love and it is that person’s loss and your gain. The power is yours.

Bockarova, M. (2016). Why We Need Closure? . Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romantically-attached/201609/why-we-need-closure

[image error]I bury my face in the pillow as the tears begin to stream down. My heart was broken once again over Ace, and this was the only way I knew how to cope. Alicia Keys asked, “How do you sleep with a broken heart?” Shit, Face down and ass up! In just a few short weeks the love of my life has been caught with not one but two women. First I had to find out about Kianna through a hurtful email, and then if life is not cruel enough, I meet his other woman Melody at Taco Tuesday.

“Ahh,” I cringe from the pain.

What hurt me the most was the look on Ace’s face when he saw Melody and I dancing together in the club. It wasn’t the fact that he avoided direct eye contact with me that hurt me so bad but rather how he stared her directly in the eyes. I could tell they had a deeper connection with her than he ever had with me. He looked right past her eyes and right into her secrets.

“Uhhh,” this pain is unbearable.

I looked her in the eyes, and she stared at him as if he was the only man God ever created. I knew from that moment on that I had never known Ace truthfully. I knew the idea of Ace, but I did not know the man. I knew the representative of Ace, but I did not know his heart. I was a pit stop on the road of his life and Melody was the actual holder of his heart.

“Ohhhh,” I can’t take this pain.

What kind of man tells a woman that he loves her and then lies to her? What kind of man makes his woman compete with other women for his affection? He was supposed to build me up to other women, but instead, he made a joke out of me. Worst of all Melody knew about Kianna and me, yet I never knew she existed. I thought Ace was my man, but clearly, he wasn’t. All these years and all these tears and what do I have to show for it? A hole in my heart where Ace used to live.

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhm Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” I close my eyes and release, and now the pain is over.

“Damn baby, that was good!” he said.

“I’m not ya baby; my name is December!”

“My bad. You wanna watch a movie or something?”

“Haha, please what you think this is. You think I wanna Netflix and chill? I got what I needed, and I’m out. Work on ya stroke Daddy. Gotta go,” I laughed as I got dressed.

Sad, I didn’t know his name nor did I care. I just wanted to get Ace out of my system the only way I knew how. Ace wanted to hurt me, and I bet he would be so hurt if he knew the nasty things I was out here doing.

“You broke my heart Ace, and made me a savage!” I yelled out.

(The following characters are from the “Anotha on the Hitlist” book series. Read more at www.amazon.com)

[image error]Finally, home after a long day of work. I opened the door and was greeted by a familiar but unpleasant odor. It was the smell of perspiration and cucumber melon. I glance at the couch, and I see Sean still lying there. He must have laid on that couch all day sweating, and Kianna sprayed Victoria Secret body spray to mask his odor.

“Sean, man you still sleep? Don’t you have to be to work in an hour?”

I know his break up with Melody was hard last night but lying on my couch and not going to work was not an option.

“I talked to Jasmine earlier bro she gave me a few days off,” he said.

“Good, a few days off should give you enough time to figure out a plan.”

“Plan? Curtis, what are you talking bout?”

“Plan as in how do you plan to move on. Are you going to counseling? Are you moving out of your place? Are you going to get Melody back?”

I love Sean to death but laying on my couch was not going to get him to the place he needed to be in life. Plus, I think Kianna is mad at me because I let Sean stay here. She has not talked to me all day.

“I’m going home tomorrow man. I’m just giving Melody time to get her stuff out. Thanks for letting me stay here. You didn’t tell me how good of a cook Kianna was. Her pancakes are off the chain,” he started laughing.

She made him pancakes, but she can’t return one text from me.

“Where is Kianna at now?”

“She in the bedroom sleep. She has been in there for a few hours. Something must have drained her energy today.”

I can’t believe she made this nigga pancakes and can’t even tell me good morning. I couldn’t even get the side nigga “GM” text. I walk slowly to the bedroom an open the door. I see Kianna lying down with her face on the pillow with her butt exposed. She is wearing a red thong and not a comforter or sheet in sight to cover her body.

“Kianna, we got company why are you laying in here ass-naked,” I yelled.

She slammed her hands across the mattress and got up quickly. Her breasts were exposed, and I hurried up and closed the door.

“I was laying in bed waiting for you to come home. I know you had a long day at work, and I figured I would surprise you by being ready to give you some, but oh well. I’m so sick of you Curtis. Can’t you just come home and relieve some stress with your woman? Any man would love to come home to his wife butt naked after a long day of work. Well, any man but my man.”

“It ain’t bout that Kianna. You know Sean is in the other room. What if he walked in here? You think I want Sean to see you naked. You’re my wife?”

“Curtis, that call center got you fucked up. You think I’m in here messing with Sean? You accusing me of cheating?”

I hated when Kianna did this. I didn’t accuse her of anything, but here she is taking things to the next level as always.

“Kianna, just put some clothes on that’s all I’m saying. I had a long day, and I just want to shower and chill.”

She smacked her lips and said, “Long day! You had a long day! I lost my damn job, and on top of that, I had to sit her all day bored in the house. I had to lock myself in my room because you decided to let your dumbass friend sleep on my couch. I couldn’t even watch Wendy Williams on my couch today Curtis. If you had such a long day, you should have come home and got in the bed and let me relieve yo stress. Instead you in here worrying about Sean. Why don’t you worry about the bills since you the sole provider now? How bout that.”

I have been getting yelled at all day by customers on the phone, and I be damn if I came home to more arguing. I walked out of the bedroom and closed the door.

“That’s right walk away preacher boy. That’s all you ever do is walk away,” she yelled.

I went into the living room and sat on my reclining chair and turned on Sportscenter.

“Curtis, not to get in ya business bruh but why you put up with that? You know what you need?”

“Sean, what do I need?”

“You need a side chick. You coming home way too stressed and apparently, Kianna doesn’t seem to give a damn.”

“I’m so sick of men always thinking the solution to all of their problems is another sidechick. Why do men think all of your problems will disappear by cheating? That sidechick stuff is an illusion. Yeh, they don’t fuss or argue, but that’s because they don’t care about you. Any woman that care about you is going to complain because either they want you to do better or they want you to treat them better. When they stop complaining tho bruh, that’s when you have the problem. I rather my woman nag me than be naggin someone else any day. Besides, what has cheating on a woman ever solved my brotha? You know why men cheat?”

He just stared at me, “Why Curtis? Why do men cheat?”

“Men cheat because they are broken inside. Men let issues from past experiences fester in their soul rather than resolve them. Instead of confronting the issues and dealing with them we just look for a quick fix. Usually, that quick fix comes in the form of another woman. The problem is the only thing you are going to find with another woman is the same issues in a new dress. So Kianna and I have an argument. Think about it man. Do you know any woman that would be happy with her privacy invaded? I mean you been lying on our couch all day. Am I supposed to get another woman because Kianna mad? Look at yourself brotha. You got abandonment issues from things that happened to you in the past. You let your insecurities from what other people did too you cause you to sabotage your relationships. Melody was a great girlfriend to you, and you didn’t do right by her. You found any excuse to peace out on her. Nah, my brother, cheating is not the answer. Most men need a therapist, not outside sex.”

He looked me up and down and said, “Negro please, I cheated on Melody because she never let me hit it from the back.”

Read more about the lives of Sean, Curtis, Kianna, and Melody in the book series “Anotha on the Hitlist.”

[image error]After the love of your life dies tragically how do you move on? For the last few years, Sean has been mourning the loss of his ex-girlfriend Harmony. Still unable to accept that Harmony is gone, Sean visits her gravesite every year on her birthday. Sean’s best friend Curtis provides moral support but begs Sean to seek counseling. Sean’s grief is destroying everything around him including his relationship with his new girlfriend Melody. When Melody realizes that she can’t compete with Harmony for Sean’s affection she decides it’s time for her to make a change. Sean finds himself turning to his best friend Curtis for moral support in his time of distress. However, Curtis wife Kianna sees this as an opportunity to satisfy her needs. Will Sean remain his brother’s keeper or will this be another tale of Cain and Abel?

Addictively readable, Anotha on the Hitlist 3: My Brother’s Keeper is a heart-wrenching, emotional thriller, and perfect installment of the must read Anotha on the Hitlist series.

[image error]

Who told you to love me?

When you look at me what do you see?

Beauty is only skin deep

Underneath this physique I’m ugly

Do you see me or financial stability?

Can you see my insecurities?

My social awkwardness, my dreams not coming true, can you see my fears?

Behind the witty comments and the jokes there are childlike tears

You tell ya friends I’m the perfect person

But I’m a human who was born in sin

Truth is we could make each other better

My life is a storm but together we can change the weather

But I need you to see past the surface and see the real me

Look a little deeper if you really want to love me.

[image error]

Do you take _____ to be your wedded husband/wife to live together in marriage?  Do you promise to love him/her, comfort him/her, honor and keep him/her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health and forsaking all others, be faithful only to him/her so long as you both shall live?

Thousands of people get married daily in America. Many repeat these vows or add more to these vows, but few understand the meaning behind these nuptial agreements. In modern society, it seems the sacredness of wedding vows have little value and are just a part of the show. For some, having a wedding is more important than being married. Here are some things to consider before you say I do?

Partnership

“Do you take _____ to be your wedded husband/wife to live together in marriage?” Marriage is a legal acknowledgment of a commitment to partnership. Living together in marriage declares to the world that while in this union we will not separate. As partners in marriage, we will not do our own thing, and we will regard each other’s emotions. As husband and wife, we will communicate with each other. Living together in marriage is not blocking each other on social media, ignoring each other, sleeping on the couch, sleeping in separate homes, confiding in others before confiding in each other, hiding finances, spending more time with other people (even online) than you do with your spouse. Marriage is a partnership, a unity of love, and the two of you have become one, or at least that was the promise you made.

Promises

“Do you promise to love him/her, comfort him/her, honor and keep him/her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health and forsaking all others?” Before the marriage, you must agree to keep certain promises. Never lose sight on the legally binding promises you have made to one another. You are bound by law to honor one another, to keep one another for better or for worse. For better or worse does not mean that a person can treat you how they want to and you are just supposed to accept it. For better or worse means that in a marriage you are going to experience good days and bad days because that is part of being human. You will lose family members and friends, you will get sick, you will have issues at work, and a host of other things. You need a partner to comfort you and support you on your worse days. You need someone who will forsake all others and put you first. These are the promises that you have made to one another in your wedding vows.

Commitment

“Be faithful only to him/her so long as you both shall live.” Commit to your partner. Learn to put your faith in your partner and be someone that can place their faith in. Faithful means being dependable, loyal, reliable, and consistent. Your partner needs to know they can count on you for the big things and the little things.  You need to be a person that handles their business for the benefit of the family. If your spouse needs you to be there for them, then your priority is to be there for them. There are days that events come up that you want to attend, but your spouse needs you. There are old habits you love, but for your partner’s sake, you need to commit to change. Marriage is an agreement to be one, and if one part of the body hurts then the whole body hurts. Be faithful!

Before you get married consider the vows you are taking. Take a minute and ask yourself am I ready to commit to these vows? Am I ready to be legally bound to this agreement? If you believe in God are you ready to commit these vows to God and hold this promise? These are just the traditional vows so keep in mind when you create personal vows make sure you are ready to keep those promises. If you are already married just consider the promises you made and live up to them. We are not perfect, but it’s never too late to change. Kianna and Curtis exchanged wedding vows that they chose not to keep in the book Anotha on the Hitlist. When Kianna and Curtis forgot their vows, it had serious consequences. If you are looking for an example of wedding vows gone wrong then download the short story and read today.

[image error]Is something missing from your relationship? Is your relationship more sex driven than love driven? Are you better friends than lovers? Do you love your partner just not interested in sexual relationship anymore? Relationships are challenging. Three key elements to a successful relationship are love, sex, and friendship. The best relationships have a balance of all three and the difficult relationships are having trouble keeping the harmony. Here are some quick jewels that can help with finding the balance in your relationship.

LOVE

Love is many things to many different people. The truth is we try and define love but love is very complicated. The reason for this is that we all have different experiences in life. People have expressed love to us in many ways. Therefore, we all love people differently because we love other people how we have been taught to love. The truth about love is that true love begins with a choice. With billions of people on earth you have to make a conscious choice to commit to loving one person. This is why I don’t believe people should ever just say the words, “I love you” and don’t mean it. Think about what you’re saying when you say “I love you.” This is a statement which means many people on earth I find you to be the most special and unique person for me. Once you have made this decision you have to understand that love requires action. Love requires understanding, commitment, loyalty, empathy, communication, and so much more. Love is not a feeling even though the actions of love produce feelings. You may wake up and be having a bad day that does not mean you love your partner less. It does not mean you are out of love because the butterflies go away. The problem with love is too many people chase the emotional high. They run from partner to partner and their excuse is, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” How Sway, How? Love with your actions, love with your choices, and when your emotions are out of sync talk to your partner before you decide to call it quits.

FRIENDSHIP

Friends! How many of us have them? In relationships being best friends is critical. Your partner spends every day with you and during that time life events will occur. Babies are born, relatives die, jobs are lost, milestones are achieved and all the good and bad of life happens. Your partner should be someone you can see yourself going through the absolute worse times in your life with not just the best days. Your relationship can not just be about love and sex because without friendship whose shoulder will you cry on in times of need. Who do you vent to about your day at work, or how such and such made you feel? Without friendship, there is no trust and without trust there is no loyalty. Lack of friendship between partners is one of the reasons for infidelity. It is hard to be in a relationship without friendship because you can feel all alone. Take the time every day to put down your cell phones, close your social media, turn off the tv, power down the computer, and work on your friendship.

SEX

Sex can be the best of a relationship and sex can be the worst. Sex is insecurity, vulnerability, intimacy, judgement, thoughtfulness, and so much more. When a relationship is more love than friendship it can often show up in the bedroom. Your love for a person requires your commitment but without friendship you are not on the same page. The passion leaves the bedroom and sex becomes routine like punching a clock at work. You start having sex because you are supposed to. One person usually always initiates it and the other goes along with it because they don’t want to start an argument. The creativity is gone, the understanding is gone and now you have opened the door for your partner to start fantasizing. Sex with friendship can be wonderful because it requires communication, a mutual understanding of likes and dislikes, a genuine interest in how each other feels, understanding of how stress and other emotions affect sexual interest, and heightened passion. However, sex and friendship without love is just friends with benefits. Sure it feels good for the time being but eventually someone will get hurt. Love and friendship in a relationship without sex is a reality for many married couples sadly. The love is there, the friendship is there, but for one reason or another the sex just does not happen. Having a family is stressful, with bills, jobs, dealing with multiple emotions, needs, and desires from multiple different people. These types of couples can find themselves going days, weeks, or months without a passionate sexual experience. The few times you do make time for sex is just a hurry up and get it over experience. What happened to the intimacy, the creative positions, the I’m into this just as much as you are? This can be devastating to couples because you can be left feeling like you don’t measure up sexually, you’re not attractive, you’re not what that person wants, and your just not good enough. This damages couples and opens the door for all kind of destruction. Sex is a basic human need and often people leave their relationship searching for sex without love or friendship to fulfill it.

You want a good healthy relationship then find a balance of all three. If your relationship is lacking in any area then find a way to add more of what your relationship is lacking. Relationships are not easy and they require work. Most relationships fail because people simply do not want to put in the work. Rather than taking the time to balance out their relationship they just call it quits and move on. They move leaving a trail of tears and bringing baggage to the next person. In the book Anotha on the Hitlist 2, Ace finds himself caught up in the drama of trying to balance his relationship. Will he succeed or will he fail? I don’t know you will just have to download the book and read it for yourself. Find your balance.

[image error]Does she introduce you to her friends and family as her FRIEND? Does she feel comfortable sharing her sexual experiences with other men with you? Has she tried to hook you up with one of her homegirls? Does she only go out with you in group settings or meet up with you for lunch dates only? Have you taken her on vacation and it was “that time of the month” or she was mysteriously ill? Do you text her you miss her and she responds “lies lol?” Do you comment under her pictures about how beautiful she looks and she replies, “Aww thanx?” You might be in the friend zone.

Finding yourself in the friendship zone can be devastating to your ego. You were everything she was looking for in a man yet you found yourself only to be considered a shoulder to cry on. She laughs at your jokes, she confides in you, and she tells you that you’re wonderful. So why are you stuck in the friendzone?

You did too much

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Every time she calls you answer the phone. Whenever she needs a ride, you are there to pick her up. When she wants to go out with her homegirls she invites you to tag along to buy drinks and to make sure another guy does not talk to her. The problem is you made yourself a boyfriend by affiliation. What need does she have to make you her romantic interest when you perform all the boyfriend duties already? You gave her all the benefits of having a boyfriend without the responsibility.

The Thrill is Gone

Women are competitive whether they admit it or not. They want to know that out of all the women on earth you are competing for their affection. The thrill of the chase is when two people are doing everything they can to compete for each other’s attention. You find yourself in the friendzone when you kill the thrill of the chase. You let it be known from day one it was all eyes on her. You’re a boring free throw buddy and she is looking for someone who shoots their shot like Steph Curry. You are boring to her. She wants to be with someone that she can make fall in love with her and your more of the love at first sight type. She doesn’t have to get her hair and nails done or play mental games to get your attention. To put it simply, your easy and she needs a challenge.

Blame Yourself

Closed mouths don’t get fed. You have spent all your time trying to prove to her that you are the nicest guy on earth.  You never give her space to miss you because every social media post she writes you respond like a personal cheerleader. Every time she calls you answer on the first ring. When she texts you text her back in five minutes. You have killed her attraction to you by looking desperate. You spent the last six months listening to her tell you how wrong some guy just did her. You give her some lame response like “I would never do you like that.” You try your hardest to be her Drake in shining armor, but it just does not work. You have done everything but tell her how you feel. Sure, you flirt with her occasionally but your attempts at flirting are too dramatic, and she is looking for a savage experience. She is looking for a lion, and you are a dove at best. Worst of all you have vented to her about all your failed attempts at love in hopes she will feel sympathy for you. If nobody else wants you, why should she? You are in the friendzone, and there is nobody to blame but you.

At this point, you have two choices. You either accept the fact you are going to be friends forever or end the friendship. This friendship is not Brown Sugar, and you two will not fall in love with Hip-Hop together. The best relationships have three elements that must work in perfect harmony love, sex, and friendship. You have given away the friendship, so now she is out there looking for love and sex. The truth is you may be hindering her relationships by being such a wonderful friend. You are not giving her the opportunity to find a healthy relationship because you are fulfilling her basic friendship needs. She keeps getting done dirty by savages because she is only looking for what she is not getting from you; love and sex. If you are tired of being a shoulder to cry on, then give her the space she needs so she can find a healthy relationship. After all, you need love and sex too, and you will never have a healthy relationship while you are giving her all of your friendship. Godspeed.

[image error]Have you ever been hurt by someone you loved? The pain can seem unbearable. The worst part about being hurt by someone you love is that you question yourself. Why were you betrayed? Why was this person disloyal? What did you do wrong to deserve this? How can you prevent this again? If you have ever asked yourself these questions, then you are not alone. These questions are a normal part of dealing with hurt. So, you’ve been hurt but the real issue how long will you be hurt? How will you move forward and get to the point that you can let things go? Forgiveness is the first step to your healing process but why is forgiveness so hard?

It’s not fair

You have been hurt, you have been done wrong, you are the victim so why do you have to do all the work? Why do you have to be the bigger person? Why do you have to be the one to forgive? The truth is forgiveness is for you. You have been hurt, and the only way to stop carrying that hurt is for you to forgive the person who hurt you. Until you forgive that person, you are always going to carry the weight of that pain. You will always give that situation power over you because you wear that hurt in your heart and thoughts. Forgiving that person frees you from the pain and frees you from that person. You may make statements such as “I cut that person off,” and “I’m over it,” but truthfully until you forgive you will constantly keep that person and situation on your mind.

I can’t forget

You ever heard the expression “Forgive and Forget?” The truth is forgiveness is not about forgetting. We are human beings, and it is impossible for us to forget when we have been wronged. We often equate forgiveness with forgetting and that is the reason we don’t want to forgive. We will never forget how we were “wronged, ” but the goal is to forgive the action. Jesus himself forgave those who did him wrong, but he will never forget that he died for our sins. He commanded us never to forget he died for our sins. Just as Jesus remembers our sins, he also remembers the pain of our sins when he was nailed to the cross. He forgave mankind for hurting him which allowed him to be free from the burden but he did not forget. Remembering is part of the healing process. The goal is to grow from you past pain not live in it. So, crucify your past pain (die to it), bury it deep (take the time to heal), and be resurrected (free yourself by becoming new) by letting go the pain that you were once caused. Forgive, don’t forget, and begin your brand-new life.

I’m Scared

So, what if I forgive someone and they do it again? Don’t let the “what if” scare you. Often, we don’t forgive because we are so scared of being made a victim again. We have been so emotionally, physically, and mentally scarred that forgiving someone scares us. We never want to experience that type of hurt again and forgiving someone makes us vulnerable. Being hurt creates issues of insecurity and high-stress levels. The truth is never being afraid to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean that you should put yourself in a vulnerable situation again. You are confusing forgiveness with reconciliation. Just because you forgive someone does not mean you must reconcile with them. Forgiveness, is a letting process so you can heal and hopefully the other person can grow and learn from their actions. However, it does not mean that you should place yourself in harm’s way again. You can forgive and love from a distance if necessary. It is up to you how your relationship continues with the person that hurt you. Best case scenario you forgive and the two of you are reconciled. A good scenario is you forgive, but you decide to move on free from pain. Worst case scenario you don’t forgive, and you spend the rest of your days hurt, bitter, and angry while that person moves on completely unbothered.

What’s in it for me

What do I get from forgiving someone? Well, if you enjoy clarity, peace of mind, being stress-free, normal blood pressure, and the ability to enjoy life again then my subscription is to forgive. Forgiveness can be a severe disease. Studies have shown that unforgiveness can lead to many serious health problems such as chronic depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, anxiety, personality disorder, low self-esteem, insomnia, suicide, heart attack, cancer, and seriously affect your ability to build relationships in the future. Forgiveness is an opportunity to change your life. Consider your life and forgive for yourself. Why torment yourself every day when happiness is in your power. Forgive and be happy.

The first step towards forgiveness is deciding to forgive. You must make a choice within your own heart that you are going to forgive. The choice should be deeper than just a thought, deeper than just words; it should come from the root of the source of your pain. You want to pull that bitterness out from the roots of your heart so that fresh flowers in your garden of love can grow again. Bring yourself peace today by making the decision to get rid of the pain. In the book “Anotha on the Hitlist” Kianna chose not to forgive and it placed her in a tough situation. Forgive and be free.

[image error]Your career is rising, your diet and exercise routine has paid off, you are in a good place spiritually, mentally, and physically and then BOOM! You’re blindsided by the news that your partner has cheated on you. You have just gone from being on top of the world to a train wreck. Should you be angry, hurt, insecure or a combination of all three? Nothing can destroy you like being cheated on in a relationship. You give someone your trust, and they take advantage of it. Here are four simple tips inspired by Aaron Jones short story Electrorelax about how to not let infidelity destroy you.

Remember who you are

The natural reaction when you have been cheated on is to spite the person who has hurt you. You believe nothing will give you satisfaction more than putting on your freakum dress and creating your own reality television show on snapchat, Instagram, twitter, and facebook for your cheating partner and all of their friends to see. You want nothing more than to show them what they have lost and how reckless your behavior can be. You hope they will be infuriated by your irresponsible behavior, but the truth is they won’t care. Your ex will see your behavior and justify to themselves, their friends, and family why they left you in the first place. Also, it is just not in your character to behave so ratchet. You are a proud highly motivated person so don’t lose yourself because a loser did not appreciate you.

Slow Down

The worst part about being cheated on is that while you are hurt, you can’t help but think they are out having fun with someone else. Here you are in a pool of tears, but you are thinking they are somewhere fulfilling all their fantasies. The same fantasies you were not good enough to fulfill. Insecurity sets in and in a moment of weakness you allow yourself to be vulnerable. Next thing you know you have shared your body with someone you would never consider in a million years. You feel good at the moment, but afterward, you are disgusted by your behavior. Even worse you have added another body to your sex list, and you still have not got over the person that hurt you. Slow down, and allow yourself to heal before you move on. It is ok to be hurt but running to sleep with someone else because you were cheated on is only going to destroy your self-esteem.

Don’t Blame Yourself

Closure, Closure, Closure! You need closure. You need to know what is that you did that made this person unfaithful. You want to know how can someone say they love you and hurt you so much. You want to know why a person could betray you so much? You want to know when this person decided that you were not enough. You want to know where did all this foolishness take place. Unanswered questions can lead you to doubt yourself more than your cheating ex. Blaming yourself because your ex was stupid for not appreciating you is only going to destroy you. You are beautiful, intelligent, and everything you should be as a partner. It is not your fault that your partner had insecurities within themselves and decided cheating was the answer. Love yourself and focus on being a better you.

Know when it’s time

You gotta know when to fold em and know when to hold em. When a person cheats on you the worst thing you can do is give them the power to decide whether you should break up or stay together. You are the master of your own destiny. Any relationship decisions should solely be left up to you. You were the offended party, and because of that, you have the power to go or stay. Nothing can destroy a person more in a relationship than staying too long or begging someone to break up with you because you don’t have the heart to do it yourself. Boss up and make the decision to go or stay for yourself.

Being the victim of infidelity is never an easy thing, but allowing a cheater to destroy you is even worse. In the book, Electrorelax December finds herself the victim of infidelity which causes some severe insecurity within her. Walk in confidence, you may have been cheated on, but you will be victorious in the end. Don’t be #hurtbae be #happybae.