Maggie Combs's Blog

{This post first appeared last December for Gentle Leading Advent Devotional 2017}

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

— 2 Corinthians 12:9

“His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence.”

— 2 Peter 1:3

Light and life to all he brings. It’s easy to gloss over this quiet line in the third verse of “Hark! the Herald Angels Sing.” But to a mommy who feels overwhelmed, where everything feels a bit like death and darkness, it brings freedom. Ok, death and darkness is a bit dramatic, but you’ve had those days, right?

 

Those days when everything you do gets immediately undone. A day when your exhausted mind can barely think straight to keep your little humans alive. Days when motherhood feels utterly impossible, but moms don’t get sick days and definitely not mental health days, so you gather all your scattered wits and slog through. Days and days when all you can feel is failure. Those dark days that toll the death of all our best laid plans for motherhood.

 

Then Christmas comes and everything is supposed to be all light and life, but you don’t feel that way. You feel overworked and overwhelmed and just over all of it with motherhood.

 

I get it, Mommy, I do. When I was pregnant with my first baby, I had a good plan. It wasn’t to be the perfect mom, but to be a good mom. Then my first baby came like a roaring fire, burning all my lists of good mom plans to ash. Instead of clinging to God, I strived. So God gave me two more boys, thirteen months apart, for a total of three baby boys in three years. It wasn’t just challenging; it was impossible. I wasn’t capable enough to keep them properly fed and clothed on my limited sleep and even more limited mental energy. We were all drowning on my watch.

 

God brought me past the end of my rope and into his powerful arms through a simple promise of his sufficient grace and my weakness made perfect in his strength. God didn’t want my imperfect human abilities. In my abundant weaknesses, God’s power would be made perfect. Alone I am insufficient for the job of motherhood, but God’s grace is all-sufficient for what he has called me to do.

Our world tells us that we are enough. Christian culture tells us that God won’t give us anything we can’t handle. I’ve found that God makes a habit of giving us more than we can handle, that we may recognize that he is enough, so we don’t have to be.

When we accept the good news—the truth of the gospel that Jesus came to earth to be enough, to meet God’s perfect standards with his perfect life and redeem our imperfections by the sacrifice of his blood—we become free to live firmly in the grace of God.

God's grace is two-fold: it both saves us from our failure before God and empowers us for life. Just as “Hark! The Herald Angels Sings” asserts that Jesus came to bring light and life, 2 Peter 1:3 promises that God’s power provides all we need for life and godliness. When every day feels like one of those days that is just too much for your abilities, God’s grace awaits to give you the power you need for life.

 

How do we access this power to survive the stress of our everyday lives? 2 Peter 1:3 explains that it comes from a knowledge of God, his glory, and his excellence. As our bodies care for our children and our minds race through all the ways we are imperfect and unable, God is calling us to life. This life comes not from our own circumstances, but from knowing that God is great, he is kind, he loves us perfectly, and that he wants to fill us with the power to live in his grace in our present circumstances.

 

God’s grace doesn’t stop there. It gives us everything we need for the challenges of mom life, plus all the grace we need to be godly in this midst of it. When you feel like you can’t make it through your day without anger, anxiety, impatience, or pride, God offers his grace to cover your past sins and to transform your hearts with his holiness.

 

God does not want you to suffocate in the grip of sin, but to live in the freedom that Jesus came to earth to purchase for you. Jesus humbled himself to live perfectly on earth so that we may be freed from the darkness in our own hearts. Jesus shed his blood to cover our failure upon failure, and to empower us to live free from the grip of sin by his power. Jesus offers this glorious sanctification as a light in the darkness of our own sin.

 

Light and life to all he brings, Dear Mommy. You’ll find everything you need for life and godliness by making knowing God a priority. When you feel completely incapable to do the mundane or momentous moments of motherhood, you have stumbled into the beginning of God’s grace. He exchanges your weakness for his strength, your imperfections for his perfect life, your not-enough for his complete sufficiency. All you must do is stop focusing on your failure, and discover the faithfulness of God.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION/ APPLICATION:

What motherhood task makes you feel insufficient for this calling?

Do you find yourself needing more of God’s grace for life or his grace for godliness?

How does the coming of Christ change the way that you respond to feelings of powerlessness and defeat?

What is one practical way you could refocus your heart on God’s greatness and goodness when you are overwhelmed by your circumstances?

{This blog was originally published two years ago, and while my husband doesn't work late once a week anymore (it's more like every other week, or once a month), I find myself in need of this encouragement this week, because my husband has been gone for three days. He comes home tomorrow afternoon, but for today I'm going to offer myself the practical grace found in his blog. I hope it helps all you ladies whose husbands consistently work late!}

My husband works late about once a week. It can be rough. I dread that night. Often, he tells me early in the week so I can plan around it, but there are times when the clock hits 5 and I haven't heard from him all day and my heart just knows--he's going to be late. Sigh.

Let me just pause for a moment and give a major shoutout to single moms and military wives who do night time all by themselves every night. You rock.

My husband is working late two nights this week. TWO nights. Since I know ahead of time, I can plan my day to prepare for the crazy of dad-less dinner and bedtime. Here's what I do:

1. Keep Dinner Simple: 

Obvious, right? But I can't tell you how many times I've stubbornly stuck to a "real dinner" rather than stay simple and do only food the kids love. Avoid dinner battles like the plague on nights without Daddy. Tonight's dinner: raviolis (not homemade, no way) and Costco pesto sauce. I also don't shy away from calling up the grandparents to see what their dinner plans are and if involve 3 overactive boys and 1 tired mom.

2. Pace Myself:

Although a mommy work day always lasts until bedtime (I won't even mention everything we do after they go to bed), we're used to the reprieve of that Daddy Home moment and all the help that comes after it. Dinner and bedtime are no easy feat, but they are particularly hard when we're missing half of the tag-team.

When I'm used to running a 5k of motherhood every day, and suddenly get thrown into a half-marathon, I must adjust my pace. When Daddy's working late, I give myself extra breathing room throughout the day. I revert to rest-when -they-rest, newborn-style living. Cross "today" off the top of my to-do list and write "tomorrow" there instead. Almost every goal I've set for myself can wait. Better to maintain a rhythm of rest than become Volcano Mommy, spewing angry mouthfuls of crushing criticism. I know enough about myself as a mom to recognize when I just need rest. So whether they are asleep or on quiet time and I know Dad's coming home late, I forget the task list and find an opportunity for physical rest. When they aren't resting I continue to maintain a slow pace for the day, forgetting the unnecessary and just being Mom.

3. Plan an extra treat:

Think of something special for your kids and keep it in your back pocket for when the breaking point comes. Then you just step back and yell over the chaos: I've got _____ waiting! Think a trip to the playground, that book with flaps you have to keep on top of the fridge so it doesn't get destroyed, a Popsicle, or even a bath. Today I have homemade chocolate chip cookies at the ready for when the insanity breaks loose beyond my control.

4. Do a Daddy Thing:

For my 3 boys, it's wrestling, tickling, or Hide and Seek after dinner. I try to do one of their favorite Dad-activities on nights he can't be home with them. It's hard for them to not see Daddy too. My husband fills a different role in their lives than I do. I can't replace Dad, but I can get outside of my box and give them a small dose of what he offers them.

5. Receive and Give Extra Grace:

I'm going to get honest and say some days I nurse grudges against one or all of my children. Because as much as I talk about giving space for failure in myself and my kids, my default is always going to be expecting perfection of all of us. When I know it's going to be a long day, I have to receive extra grace from God and let it overflow to my kids. Pray for a supernatural filling of the Holy Spirit. Repeat a simple Bible verse (His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, 2 Peter 1:3). Play worship songs on my phone. He gives me new grace for every new day. There's always enough on God's table to overflow into my relationships with my kids, but I don't always eat everything He is providing.

When Dad Gets Home:

My husband got home just in time to tuck my oldest son in for the night. But no matter when Wes gets home, even if it's a minute after I finish putting all the boys to bed or shortly before I go to sleep, my attitude should be the same: grateful. Because my man doesn't work late to make my life more difficult. He doesn't work late to avoid his family. He works early mornings and late nights to provide for our us. He works long hours to make certain his job is done right for the good of the company and for the good of his family. And for that I'll greet him with a kiss and a listening ear, not a list of my hard day.

I wake up every morning with my heart focused on myself instead of God. I continue in my self-centered mindset all day until I meet with God and the Holy Spirit renews my soul again. Even if I connect with God in the morning, my prone-to-wander heart continues to revert back to sin and self throughout my day. That’s why abiding is essential. My default will always be living for myself instead of God’s glory. I can't fix this wandering-heart problem by my own power, but only by staying plugged into God throughout my day.

I wrote about abiding in #unsupermommybook as staying connected to God the same way we are connected to our husbands, moms, or best friends throughout our day. When I wrote the book, I was in a season so intense that my need of God was always right in front of my face. I absolutely had to stay connected or I couldn't survive my day. But as my boys have grown older, I found myself abiding less, and I missed that intimacy with God that came in the face of adversity. I prayed for a method I could use to train my brain not to forget to abide with God in a simpler season without creating an unending list of rules for my day (a legalistic stumbling block for me as a recovering rule-aholic). I didn't want to get myself into a rules over relationship mindset with God again.

Instead of creating rules, I thought about the natural rhythms of my day. Rhythms that are already an integrated and necessary part of my day that can signal my heart to draw near to God through spiritual disciplines. I’m going to share my spiritual rhythms with you as examples, but I encourage you to make your own based on the regularly scheduled events of your life. This post will give you an overview of how I abide with God, but please recognize these four things as you read:

I usually don’t manage to do all of these methods in one dayThis is a peek into my personal relationship with God, not a prescription for exactly what your relationship with God should look likeI developed these rhythms over time, not all at onceThe purpose is not to create rules, but to foster relationship

Make my bed: As I make my bed, I say an adapted version of the prayer that Paul Tripp says every morning. The goal is to submit myself to God's sovereignty, reorient my thinking, and reestablish my relationship with God as I naturally wake up focused upon myself. Honestly, some mornings I don't make my bed (it's a habit I'm still trying to institute), but I always pray this prayer over my son on our way to school, so I pray it for myself then too if I haven't made my bed that morning.

The Prayer: Dear God, I need your help today. Please send your help my way, and give me the grace to recognize your help when it comes. Thank you for dying on the cross to free me from my sin and give me the power I need to live as a new creation. In Jesus' powerful name, amen.

First Things First: I try to read the Bible first, before my kids get up, or with a kid looking at books in the chair next to me if one gets up early. On the days I don't get out of bed on time, I listen to my Bible app as I get ready, read a little as I eat breakfast if I can, then study more after we get home from taking my oldest to school. I am not above letting my little boys watch a TV show if I haven't had the opportunity to read my Bible by mid-morning.

Shower: Let's get real here, silence/solitude are hard spiritual disciplines to institute--especially as a mom of young kids. Almost as hard as it is to get a shower in, am I right? On the few days a week that I do manage a shower (we won't talk about how often I wash my hair), I like to use that time for silence. It is amazing how the practice of silence helps me dig deeper into whatever spiritual truths I've been meditating on. It's also where I receive the most inspiration on what I should write next!

At the kitchen sink: Anytime I find myself at my kitchen sink for more than two minutes, I try to practice my scripture memorization. I use both the "press on mama" and "grief and sorrow" cards by Words Worth Noting, and keep them tucked on the window sill behind my sink so I can't miss them while I'm standing there. 

In the car:  We spend a lot of time in the car these days taking kids to and from two different schools, so I use my car time for a variety of ways to connect to God. Every morning I listen to the Jesus Storybook Bible on audible, discuss the story, and pray together with my boys. During the rest of the car rides I worship, meditate on the scripture I read during my morning devotions, pray, disciple/encourage friends (via voxer), and learn more about God through sermons and podcasts.

Laundry: Laundry is usually a time for podcasts that help me learn more about God or apply the gospel to life and ministry, but occasionally I just take this time for prayer and silence.

Disciplining and discipling my Kids: I know this is kind of strange one, but with three little boys, discipline and discipling is definitely a rhythm built-in to my day. Whenever I have the opportunity to share the gospel with them, I try to preach that same gospel to myself. When I ask them to confess, I consider what I may need to confess myself.

Cleaning: This is a time to serve, not with grumbling or disdain, but to love my family with a humble heart in the same way that Jesus loved his disciples by washing their feet.

Before bed: I find Christian non-fiction the perfect way to set my spirit at rest in God's provision before bed.

In the night watches: When I need to get up in the middle of the night with my boys (thankfully not that often anymore), I take that opportunity to pray over my child and preach to myself the gift it is to love them in such a straightforward way. 

If I can be vulnerable, I look at this list and it feels like both a lot and not enough. If I do all of this in a day, I still won't even begin to discover the fullness of our glorious God. Then there's the sinful, selfish part of me that recognizes that these practices of abiding will take up time that I would love to use for reading fiction or playing games on my phone (yep, I like phone games), and this list starts to feel like way too much. And there's still more I could do. I'd like to integrate prayer more, but I haven't figured out good rhythms for different kinds of prayer yet (I'll take your suggestions, I'm currently considering praying while going to the bathroom, lol), or found a prayer resource that works well for me.

But when I lean into God in these ways by the power and leading of the Holy Spirit, I never, ever regret it. I know that if you take the time to tie the practice of abiding with God into your daily rhythms, you won't regret it either. Abiding changes our lives, because it is by staying attached to the vine that we bear good fruit. Start small, just one discipline attached to one daily rhythm, and see how it draws you near to God. Once you experience intimacy with God, you can't help but want more. Remember, we're not after a list of rules, but a deeper relationship with our incredible Savior.

I spent so many years in a sowing season, that sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the blessings of my current harvest season. When my sowing season felt like it would never end, I put a lot of hope in a future possibility of harvest. But what I've found is that harvest seasons aren't about sitting back and letting the blessings flow in. In fact, harvest season requires the most work of all. The diligence to keep working hard on something you've been working hard on for so long.  The harvest is an exciting, worshipful time, but it's also a time of rooting out the weeds that had crept in as the plants blossomed. Harvest time requires even more of the faith and obedience that was built during the sowing season. 

But here's the trickiest part of a harvest season: not focusing on the harvest, but delighting in the one who took that small seed of faithful work from practically insignificant to real fruit.

As I delight in how God is bringing about harvest in my life, I've developed a refrain to keep my heart focused on the best treasure of all: God didn't have to, but he did.

God didn't have to change my motherhood season from the utter exhaustion of the endless needs of my three boys in three years to watching my sons grow together in brotherhood and their ability to play together for hours without my help--BUT HE DID.

God didn't have to change Unsupermommy from a book I planned to self-publish and hopefully sell a couple hundred copies to close friends to a traditionally-published book that women in Australia, Nigeria, and South Africa are reading--BUT HE DID.

When God said no to my daughter-desire, he didn't have to give me the gift of living next door to my mom--BUT HE DID.

When I prayed for more friends, God didn't have to respond with renewed relationships with sisters, new relationships with writer-women around the country, and new friends at church--BUT HE DID.

I didn't deserve any of these gifts, but he gave them to me. But don't miss this part, dear one, don't miss this:

Not one of these good blessings is the point. Not one of these good blessings makes the hard work of sowing and harvest worthwhile. Not one of these good blessings will ever satisfy the depths of the longing in my soul.

Because what my soul needs is the foundational, primary, and essential He didn't have to, but he did, the very one that saves my soul, sanctifies my soul, satisfies my soul, and will one day glorify my soul.

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:4-8

Jesus. God sent his only son (mommies, let's get a little weepy over that). His only son. To die for me, a terrible, unrepentant, wandering sinner. That I might not be satisfied with the any of the awesome blessings of this world, but that I might find soul-satisfaction in the beauty of this amazing love, this undeserved grace, this unexpected mercy.

HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DIE TO SAVE ME, BUT BECAUSE OF HIS GREAT LOVE FOR ME HE DID.

This is why I must faithfully, obediently sow what little I have. This is why I must work hard even in the harvest. This is why the glory for the harvest is all his. This is why, amid all of his good blessings, he is the best. It all flows from him and points to him.

Praise God, he didn't have to save unimportant, unrighteous me, but oh for the glory of his great name, HE DID.

"Heaven is not here, it's There. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next."- Elisabeth Elliot, Keep a Quiet Heart, pg 28

 

[[You probably know I had 3 boys in 3 years. You may not have been hanging around my nook of the internet long enough to hear about my strong desire for a daughter. If you don't know the back story, start with Part 1 and Part 2 before reading this.]]

I didn't just want a daughter. I always assumed I would have one.  I have 3 boxes of barbies, two boxes of dress-up clothes, a mountain of favorite little girl clothes from my childhood, and more American Girl doll clothes than I can count just waiting for the daughter I knew I would have. Then I had three boys. The daughter I planned for never came.

I've done the Gollum thing. You know Gollum, the guy in Lord of the Rings who constantly obsesses over "his precious." He is so consumed by the desire that he completely loses his identity as the hobbit Smeagol and becomes the ring-obsessed Gollum. He values the ring so highly that it's all he can think or talk about. The desire for it destroys his life, because nothing seems to matter as much as having that ring. He thinks it's for his best, the ultimate prize, but it destroys him. I've had a ring, a good thing, a good desire that slowly took control of my thinking and living.

When I got pregnant with my third child while my second was only 5-months-old, I thought, "If God is going to make me go through the difficulty of having two babies 13 months apart, then surely he will give me my longed-for girl." I'll never forget that ultrasound. My husband sat down and cried as the tech finished, and as soon as she was done I gave into the grief myself. I couldn't stop weeping. I could barely speak to the doctor through my tears. I knew I should be thankful for another healthy boy, but I couldn't see past my desire for a girl.

I lived in that space for a long time. Where my head was happy to have three sweet boys and an amazing husband, but my heart was lost to the daughter I wouldn't have. 

Praise God, he wouldn't leave me there. Slowly, against my own will to wallow, God has how my heart experiences grief. I'm never going to not want a daughter, but in that constant state of always wanting, but never getting, I can still be fully satisfied in Jesus. This is a place of holy discontent, where I'm constantly aware that my circumstances are wholly insufficient to satisfy the desires of my heart.

When I feel the punch of unexpected pain, I now find the wholeness of a triune God. When the grief floods my soul, God is waiting. God the Father reminds me: I know the pain of letting go of a child. I know that it takes loss to create a redemption story. Jesus empathizes: I understand what its like to bend my will to the Father's, to walk through the shadows to achieve redemption. I sat in the darkness of my Father's wrath to achieve your freedom. The Holy Spirit whispers: May this sadness remind you that there is no satisfaction in the gifts of this world. Let this holy discontent point you to the only true source of contentment. Your family is not enough to make you whole, but I am.

I begged God for a daughter, but he answered with his Son, in whom all the promises of God are Yes. I can live like Gollum, holding so tightly to my unfulfilled desire that I lose myself in it, or I can make peace with my holy discontent. My daughter desire will never go away, but it can be redeemed from something that drives me to sin into God's tool that drives my wandering heart back to Jesus, in whom all of my desires will be satisfied.

March 1. It comes every year, and every year I see my parents struggle through it. But the past three years have been different for me; they have allowed me to understand in a way a never did before pregnancy and motherhood. On March 1, 1982, my older brother, Joshua Isaac was born without life. 

 

When I spoke with my dad today, he talked about not knowing his son. That’s what I kept thinking today too. I have a brother that I do not know. God gave me this one simple encouragement: I will know Joshua one day, and our relationship will never be tainted by sin as my relationships are with my other brothers. Great times of fellowship and love will be shared, and no sin will be a part of it. That is a beautiful thing. Praise God.

 

I found myself thinking about my brother all day. He was supposed to be my mom’s second child, my mom’s second son. And he was, but he wasn’t. My parents never got to know him; they only got to release him to the Lord. Now I am pregnant with my second child, my second son, and I can only pray pray pray that God will grant this little boy the grace to live. With this second boy thing: I just can’t help but think of Joshua Isaac. I named my first son after him, with a holy fear that he would not be the sacrifice I had to give. Now I am praying that God will not repeat my family’s history. I am not living in fear every day, but there is always that nagging reminder that sometimes pregnancy doesn’t end like we planned it.

 

This year has been a tough one in this regard. After months of waiting to get pregnant, I find myself pregnant while my best friend suffers her second miscarriage. Her second baby boy gone. She was due two days after me, yet I will remain pregnant and she feels empty. Why? These pregnancies were God’s double blessing to us. We both needed them, but hers was taken away while mine remains. It’s the kind of mercy I can only tremble at.

 

These thoughts don’t get wrapped up in a pretty bow. I wish they could. But through the pain of baby deaths around me, God reminds me of this: HE holds life in his hand. Only He can give life. Only He can take it away. Nothing that I have done deserves this precious life inside of me. God’s blessings don’t come to those who deserve them, and those who don’t receive them don’t deserve them any less than those who do. Deserving anything other than death is a lie. I am a sinner: I deserve death. God gave me life, and He gave me life inside of me. I don’t know why, but that’s what He chose to do.

 

So let’s strive to take away the shame of infertility and child loss. Ok? There is nothing wrong with those women. There is nothing they can do to trick God into blessing them with babies. God holds life in his hands. He will give and take away. In our video session for Bible study this week, Beth Moore challenged us that maybe the women we know who haven’t had things come naturally to them (like marriage, babies, perfect Christian children, etc) don’t have anything wrong with them. Maybe they don’t have a hidden sin to deal with before God will bless them. Maybe there isn’t a lesson they need to learn. Maybe it’s just that God chose those women to make something natural into supernatural so that when they are blessed people can’t help but see the glory of God in it.

 

Glory to God, I am praying that for every woman I know who is waiting for something supernatural right now, and I can assure you, I know a lot.

Sometimes motherhood breaks you apart. A couple of years ago I was in a season when two of my children would express their displeasure by banging their darling heads against the wood floor. One was simply imitating the other. He was less hardcore in his passion and would usually choose a softer surface, but the other son was serious. He would move to a hard floor to bang that head because carpet was simply too plush to properly display his passion. These fits came often and felt like failure. I started thinking that motherhood might kill me.

Motherhood got a hold of me and it was wringing my neck. Not physically, of course, but it was cracking apart all the pieces of my personhood. I felt like my personality, my passions, my self was sinking into the quicksand of this impossible job. All I could manage to be was simply mom, and I was barely surviving that.

The little years are such a short season. Put your head down and plow through it. Survive what feels impossible and motherhood will get easier. I've heard this advice practically everywhere: podcasts, instagram, blogs, and interviews. The consensus seems to be that baby and toddler years are nearly impossible, but don't worry, it will be over soon.

This advice misses the point. If we merely grit our teeth and simply survive this season, it will mean nothing. When every day feels like it is sucking a month of your life away, this short season can feel like eternity. I simply could not experience this draining, exhausting breaking of myself just to make it to the other side with a pile of pieces of who I once was. There had to be something more.

God has a greater purpose for these impossible years of little ones. God's purpose in motherhood is not keeping our kids alive. God's purpose for our motherhood is not even raising perfect, Christian kids. God uses the tool of motherhood to hollow us out of all the things that we've built ourselves upon so he can fill us up with Jesus.

I'm mostly on the other side of this season now, and I can tell you that God holds who you are in his hands. He is your keeper. He who created you will salvage the best pieces of who he made you to be, and rebuild a new you out of this season--a you fully reliant on the power of the gospel for every moment of every day. Don't just survive this season. Don't grasp the pieces that you think define you so tightly that God can't rebuild you. Give up yourself, not to your kids, but to God. Give up your energy to be renewed with his. Give up your checklist for his best laid plans. Give up yourself, and find God's faithfulness.

Jesus makes all things new (Rev 21:25a). Even you, worn out and broken mom. Even in this overwhelming impossible season. Renewal by Jesus is worth the pain, trial, and tears. Discovering his faithfulness makes being broken apart worth every painful moment. If you're empty and broken, take heart, Jesus has plans to rebuild you into something new.

Sometimes motherhood breaks you apart. A couple of years ago I was in a season when two of my children would express their displeasure by banging their darling heads against the wood floor. One of them was simply imitating the other. He was less hardcore in his passion and would usually choose a softer surface, but the other son was serious. He would move to a hard floor to bang that head because carpet was simply too plush to properly display his passion. These fits came often and felt like failure. I started thinking that motherhood might kill me.

Motherhood had got a hold of me and it was wringing my neck. Not physically, of course, but it was cracking apart all the pieces of my personhood. I felt like my personality, my passions, my self was sinking into the quicksand of this impossible job. All I could manage to be was simply mom, and I was barely surviving that.

The little years are such a short season. Put your head down and plow through it. Survive what feels impossible and motherhood will get easier. I've heard this advice practically everywhere: podcasts, instagram, blogs, and interviews. The consensus seems to be that loving littles is nearly impossible, but don't worry, it will be over soon.

This advice misses the point. If we merely grit our teeth and survive this season, it will mean nothing. When every day feels like it is sucking a month of your life away, this short season can feel like eternity. I simply could not experience this draining, exhausting breaking of myself just to make it to the other side with a pile of pieces of myself. There had to be something more.

God has a greater purpose for these impossible years of little ones. God's purpose in motherhood is not keeping our kids alive. God's purpose for our motherhood is not even raising perfect, Christian kids. God uses the tool of motherhood to hollow us out of all the things that we've built ourselves upon to fill us up with Jesus.

I'm mostly on the other side of this season now, and I can tell you that God holds who you are in his hands. He is your keeper. He who created you will salvage the best pieces of who he made you to be, and rebuild a new you out of this season--a you fully reliant on the power of the gospel for every moment of every day. Don't just survive this season. Don't hang onto the pieces that you think define you so tightly that God can't rebuild you. Give up yourself, not to your kids, but to God. Give up your energy to be renewed with his. Give up your checklist for his best laid plans. Give up yourself, and find God's faithfulness.

 Jesus makes all things new (Rev 21:25a). Even you, worn out and broken mom. Even in this overwhelming impossible season. Renewal by Jesus is worth the pain, trial, and tears. Discovering his faithfulness makes being broken apart worth every painful moment. If you're empty and broken, Jesus will rebuild you into something new.

If you've already read Unsupermommy, you know that breastfeeding didn't work out for me. I told you that, but I never shared my story. I've been holding it close, because it isn't easy to say that you just plain old gave up. That sounds like the worst kind of motherhood failure in our culture.

I've never heard a woman tell me that she also became a bottle feeder without her expressing disappointment. In our culture, the easiest way to get an A+ at motherhood is to feed your baby right. It starts with breast feeding. Extra credit if you struggle with it but persevere through to 15 months. 15 months is better than 12 months--it demonstrates your true grit--but 18 months, that just makes people uncomfortable.

I'll raise my hand and admit, I wanted to breastfeed because I wanted that A+ on my motherhood report card right off the bat. I'd always been a straight-A student until I became a mom and started flunking out on everything I thought mattered (but didn't).

I didn't do anything to prepare for breastfeeding because countless women assured me it would come naturally. Sure, I had already seen two friends give up on it, but I was sure my true grit would win out. I've always been naturally good at things: breastfeeding couldn't be the exception.

My dear first baby was an eating monster. Of course my milk came in late because I was exhausted and hardly eating and childbirth is traumatic. He latched on fine, so for a long time I didn't admit to myself that something was wrong. I didn't know it wasn't normal for a baby to feed 45 minutes each side (total 1.5 hours), then be rooting around to eat again 30 minutes later.

My mom came over one morning to hold Isaac while I showered. He had just finished nursing so I ran upstairs to get cleaned up for once and left my mom with a pacifier. Before I could even dry my hair she peeked in to tell me she was so sorry, but he was gnawing at the pacifier like he was hungry again. I'll never forget that moment, when it dawned on me that this may be beyond the scope of normal.

The problem was that I could never achieve let down. I learned that to get my milk to let down I had to do yoga breaths while trying to completely relax the side of the body he was nursing on. Then my milk would finally let down and he could get something.

Every doctor appointment was a disappointment. Despite feeding almost constantly, Isaac was not gaining weight. At about 2 weeks I started supplementing with formula. I couldn't get anything out when pumping to get enough to supplement with breast milk. Isaac was a champ at supplementing. He was fine with it all: my nipple, a bottle nipple, even a nipple shield.

He was fine with everything, meanwhile I was trying to pump as much as I could, manage formula bottles, and still breastfeed. I found myself feeding him 15 minutes each side, then supplementing with formula because he was always still so hungry, then pumping so I could do some of the supplementing with my own breast milk.

Despite being a woman of ample bosom, my breasts constantly felt empty, like they had nothing left to give. I've never needed a breast pad. I've never leaked. I've always felt sucked dry and insufficient. It's a sad way to live.

I made it about 8 weeks on that feed, supplement, pump gig. I was overworked and exhausted. Feeding him was my entire world. I was sleep-deprived and emotionally spent.

At his two-month appointment, Isaac's awesome pediatrician gave me some advice. She told me that it was more important for Isaac to have a functioning and happy mom than it was for him to have breastmilk. I could have kissed her. Her words were a perspective-shifter.

The next two babies I tried doing every piece of breastfeeding advice I could find, but eventually ended up in the same spot. In that painful place I found this truth:

God is the one who provides for and sustains the life of my baby, whether through the breast or the bottle. We cannot always protect and nurture our children, but God can. When we fail our children, God is there. He is their ultimate source of protection and nurture.

I wish we could abandon the term breast is best. We Christian women should know better. God is best. God provides best. God knows best. God loves best.

If you're in the bonds of a breastfeeding struggle right now, let me challenge you to choose the path that requires more grace. Many women struggle through very difficult moments in breastfeeding and persevere. God has grace for that. Other women admit that they can't always control the best way to feed their baby and that they need the help of formula bottles. God has grace for that.

Take a moment in your heart to consider which path will require more grace for you. Sitting in a place of needing more grace is a painful-good place to be. There isn't a wrong choice, so whichever choice you make, lean heavy into God's grace. 

 

Living in Imperfect, Maggie

 

I haven't even scratched the surface here of the heart-complications of choosing breast or bottle. If you need freedom from pride or shame, check out Chapter 3 of Unsupermommy.

Remember when your kids were just a growing bump in your carefree world? You already love them so much, that you can't imagine a time when they wouldn't feel like the most wonderful thing in your world.

Then they come, and they scream and poop and grow up to throw defiant tantrums and wake you up at 5:00 am on Saturdays. Those kids that you love with all your heart and would sacrifice your life for manage to strip you of all your ability to give grace for their daily difficulties.

Why is it so hard to give them grace when we love them so much?

They make our lives really uncomfortable: They are a complete disruption of our physical comfort. They wake us up nightly. We have to feed them first when our own stomach is angry with hunger. They want to be picked up and carried when our backs are aching. We have to hold our pee until it hurts because it's just too difficult to take them to the bathroom with us at Target. They injure us constantly, not on purpose...most of the time. They simply make us really uncomfortable. They put themselves first 99% of the time: They just don't know how to put someone else first. Even if they start to learn to occasionally think of their sibling's needs before their own, it's a rare moment for them to remember that their parents actually have needs and desires too. They fight for the control we want: God has appointed us as the heads of our families, but they certainly don't realize that. They will fight for control of every situation from what cup they want to the perfect arrangement for their pillows, blankets, and stuffed animals that must be achieved before we are allowed to leave the room at bedtime. They make us feel powerless: Nothing will make you feel less in charge of a situation than battling a tantrumming two-year-old in the grocery store. Even if you perservere in gentle discipline as your kid bangs their head against the floor in anger, you feel absoultely powerless to fix the situation. It feels like a personal attack: When kids forget fail to meet our expectations, forget to follow our instructions, or deliberately disobey, it feels personal. It's like they are saying, "Hey Mom, I see you and hear you and I don't care." We think that any shortcomings of our children show that we have failed as a mom. We imagine that they see right through us and are personally subverting our instructions. We give them way too much credit.

 

In the face of these challenges, how do we give grace? Our most important role as parents is to be grace-giving gospel teachers. That doesn't mean skipping discipline or even punishment. It means promoting and supporting the truth of the gospel through our discipline.

But we aren't disciplining years-sanctified mini-Christians. We have a rebellion on our hands. There's nothing comfortable, powerful, controlling, or self-caring about giving grace in the face of overwhelming rebellion. 

But that's what Christ does. I seek my own comfort, not the glory of God. I put my own needs before the kingdom 99% of the time. I constantly fight God for control over my circumstances. I grasp for power through my endless list of expectations for my life. My utter rebellion is an attack on the very person of God.

"But he gives more grace." James 4:6

Our supply of grace for our children in the face of their constant rebellion comes directly from the overflowing bounty of God's grace to us. Because he gives more grace to us, we can give more grace to them. Because he laid down his life for us, we can lay down our comfort, desire for control, power plays, and self-esteem for the sake of our children. This kind of Christlike servanthood will be the grace that teaches them the gospel. 

Our job is not to squelch a rebellion, but to spark a grace-built revolution in their little hearts. May we tap into the overflowing stores of God's grace for us every day, to find the grace we will need for our children today.