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Christmas Creeps from the Deep: A holiday horror comedy by DM Guay!

Christmas Creeps from the Deep: A holiday horror comedy

Chapter 3: The Cult of Bucky

EARL STEPPED into the anemic circle of light cast by the dirty yellow bug bulb on Bucky's front porch, ready to save the world, and immediately shrieked in terror.

A green fish with giant fangs stared at him from the dark- ness. He stopped screaming when he realized it was the seven-foot-tall, dusty old statue of the Creature from the Black Lagoon Bucky had made out of paper mache. It looked like The Creature, all right, if his face had melted off, then been painted back on by a three-year-old. Bucky wasn't much of an artist.

Usually, that thing stood guard over Bucky's collection of old horror movies on VHS, but now it was sitting on a boat trailer near the road. Probably for attention. Bucky was desperate for customers, and that ugly thing would turn a few heads as people drove downtown to the big Christmas light festival.

Speaking of Christmas. Monsters were coming. Now was not the time to dally, so Earl stepped into Bucky's Odds & Ends, full of purpose. Well, as full of purpose as he could be in an old 1970s single-wide that had been converted into a junk shop piled high with stuff—mostly old porn—that smelled like filterless cigarettes.

Bucky's trailer was the same make and model Earl and Granny shared. It even had the same wood paneling and wall-to-wall gold shag carpet. But Bucky's front room was filled with boxes of old nudie mags and other junk, stacked floor to ceiling, with only a narrow walkway to scooch through.

There wasn't a shopper in sight. So much for that coupon.

Earl sucked in his gut and squeezed between the boxes of old Leg Shows and Oui magazines, the thousands of old horror movies on VHS tapes stacked up everywhere, and the dusty display cases filled with old movie props and weird religious statuary .

He didn't mind the clutter, the smut, or the weird gods staring at him. Being part of this cult, planning to save the world? This was the first time Earl had ever felt accepted, like he had finally found people who understood him. This was the first time he had real-life friends, too. Mostly he just chatted with other fishkeepers in the amateur aquarists forums online.

And now, he and the gang were about to do real good in the world. What more could a man want?

Earl was so excited, he nearly knocked over the rack of vintage Seka movies—porn, on VHS. Of course—when he stepped into the hallway. Bucky had converted the master bedroom in back into a secret meeting room. He also hosted illegal poker games on Fridays, which was how he kept the lights on and paid the taxes, but Earl had never been invited to those.

He made his way down the hall to the door, but spotted a green smudge on the collar of his white robe when he reached for the knob. Algae, from fussing with his fish tank, saving those poor goldfish he got at Al's. “Dang it.”

He'd tried real hard to keep this stupid robe clean. It wasn't easy with all the dirty snow and road salt this time of year. He even held it up around his waist when he walked the three miles from Misty Pines. But nope, still dirty.

Earl licked his finger and wiped the stain. The spot got bigger and greener. “Double dang it.”

He heard a voice on the other side of the door. Short, clipped, intense. It was Cyle with a C. He sounded upset. Probably because his parents didn't spell his name with a K, like normal people. They coulda saved him a lifetime of spelling out his name over and over, but nope. That was enough to make any man crabby.

Or maybe Cyle with a C was just nervous. Made sense. Earl was nervous. This was their first time doing a real magic ritual. But when hell came to Holiday Lake, ordinary men like them needed to step up and do their part.

At least that's what Bucky said the night he came into the Gas 'n' Stop for five bucks on pump two and a handful of Monster Meat Sticks, and ended up recruiting Earl to the cause.

Earl didn't need much convincing. Everything Bucky said made perfect sense, given his own daddy's mysterious death. Bucky said the world was full of mysteries humans didn't understand. Earl knew this in his heart, but it was nice to hear someone else say it.

Then Bucky showed him the scale. White, iridescent like a pearl under the Gas ’n’ Stop's fluorescent lights. It was too big and too thick to belong to any fish native to these parts, and unlike any Earl had ever seen or studied. That was all the proof Earl needed. He already knew something was lurking out there in the water, and he'd known it since the day his daddy died. Grown men didn't just up and drown in lakes topped with seven inches of ice.

Unfortunately, the algae on his collar didn't budge, so he just had to hope a little stain wouldn't ruin the magic. Earl opened the door.
“It ain't right. We can't kill—” Cyle with a C stopped talking and looked at Earl.

So did Earl's fellow world saving cult members, Jethro, Bucky, Chester, and Chester's cousins, Timmy and Darryl. They all stared at him, dead silent.

The master bedroom had changed. The center was clear and empty. All the furniture had been pressed up against the walls and covered in black fabric, and the big glass display case with that weird Predator movie prop spear in it—Bucky's pride and joy—was empty.

Bucky had also marked a big circle on the dirty brown shag carpet with duct tape. It had a squiggly design that looked vaguely like an octopus in the middle. Well, as good as you can make one with tape on shag carpet with Bucky's art skills.

“Well, I'll be. This place looks sharp. You boys really outdid yourselves,” Earl said. “Why didn't you call me? I coulda come early and helped with all this.”

“You're helping us plenty already,” Bucky said.
“Happy to do my part,” Earl said.

Jethro and Cyle with a C glanced at each other. Bucky stubbed out his Chesterfield cigarette in a big orange clay ashtray shaped like a cartoon alligator, then stepped up to the edge of the circle. His white robe? Gone. He wore a purple satin one with a black sash. They all did.

“Phew! New uniforms. Guess I didn't need to worry about this stain.” Earl pointed to the algae on his chest.

“You definitely don't need to worry about that,” Bucky said.

Chester and his cousins, Timmy and Darryl, chuckled.

“Is there a new robe around here for me?” Earl asked.

“Don't you worry. I got an extra special outfit for you.”

Bucky went to a table covered in weird magic stuff and rustled around.

“Wait a minute. Are those the old choir robes from Holiday Lake Baptist? I saw 'em at the Advent rummage sale. You musta got a real good deal.”

Earl was relieved. He couldn't spend another two day's pay on a second cult robe. Granny would kill him.

“Here.” Bucky put something very small and red in Earl's hands.

Earl stared at it. It looked familiar. Then it hit. “Hold on. Are these the slinky panties from that blow-up doll behind the register?”

“You can change in the shitter.” Bucky pointed to the dingy yellow bathroom off the master bedroom.

Earl looked at it again. A pair of tiny red satin panties, like something the dancers over at the Booby Bungalow would wear. Earl guessed. He'd never been inside.

Still, these were definitely way too small and naughty to be something Earl would ever consider wearing. “But.”

“We're all wearing them under our robes, isn't that right, boys?” Bucky turned to the guys.

The guys looked at each other, then nodded. Except Jethro and Cyle with a C, who looked at their shoes.

Bucky pushed Earl toward the bathroom, but when Earl didn't budge, Bucky's tone changed. “Don't question it, son. They're magic underpants. You want the magic to work, don't ya?”

“Well, of course I do.”

Who was Earl to question magic? Bucky was the expert. Plus, he’d heard that Mormons wore magic undies, so it must be a thing.

Earl swallowed his pride, went into the bathroom and changed. And then he tried real hard not to die of fright when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. His love handles and pot belly hung over that teeny red pair of satin panties, squeezed tight over his unmentionables. It was downright obscene. Thank God they had a bit of stretch in them, or they would have split down the back, which would have been worse.

Earl reminded himself that lives were on the line, and this was a small price to pay to save the town. Then he stepped back out into the meeting room. “I'm ready. Can I have that robe now?”

The room was dark, which was a mercy. No mortal man should have to see him in this outfit.

“I'll get you a robe in a minute.” Bucky was the only thing Earl could see. He held a candle under his chin. It was the Dolly Parton prayer candle he kept by the register that said, “May Dolly bless and keep us.”

Earl crossed himself. Indeed.

The flame cast Bucky's fat, wrinkly jowls into deep shadow and made him look like an old-timey movie villain. Bucky had something big and rectangular in his hand, another art project. It had the same sad, melty face as the paper mache creature out front, but this one had octopus tentacles on its head and weird, pretend writing around the edges.

“Did you make those tentacles out of the Monster Meat Sticks I sold you last week?” Earl asked.

“Silence! Don't question me,” Bucky said. “The design for this bas-relief came to me in a dream. It's a vision from the eldritch gods that sleep, waiting in the other dimension, only for me, the one destined to rule over the beasts on this earthly plane. It's crucial to our mission.”

Earl shrugged. “If you say so.”

Bucky pushed Earl into the middle of the tape circle. In the candlelight, Earl could see the other guys standing around the edge, staring at him. His hands shot to his crotch. If his momma hadn't left when he was three, he was pretty sure she woulda taught him to be modest and not let anyone see him dressed in a getup like this, unless it was a special lady friend, in private, with the curtains pulled.

“Uh. Can I get that robe now?”

“I ain't ruining a perfectly good robe,” Bucky said.

“How would we ruin—”
“Lay down on the floor. On your back.” Bucky pushed Earl down.

“Oh...kay?” Now Earl felt really dirty. Bare skin touching the floor at Bucky's? Not a good idea. Bucky had been a bach- elor longer than Earl had been alive, and Earl had never once seen a working vacuum in here.

Earl laid down anyway, because a few moments of shame and carpet lint was a small price to pay to save the world. He couldn't let people die because he was afraid of Bucky's carpet.

“Right.” Bucky sat his sad homemade statue and the Dolly candle down between Earl's snow boots.

Yes, Earl still had on his snow boots. He didn't want to be any more naked than he had to be. Plus, it was bad enough he was lying here in red satin panties. He didn't need everyone to see his big toe poking through the hole in his sock, too.

Earl braced the Dolly candle between his boots. If it tipped over, all the old shag carpet and dirty mags in here would go up like a blazing inferno.

Bucky stepped up to the circle. He had something long and bumpy in his hands. He cleared his throat, which took a minute thanks to all the Chesterfields. “Mog wee riley wag nag flum.”

“Bless you. That sounded terrible. You might want to get that checked,” Earl said.

“Dang it. Shut up, Earl. This is the chant. Boys, join in,” Bucky said. “Mog wee riley wag nag flum.”

All the guys read the chant off papers they were holding.

Except Earl. “Uh. Should I be chanting, too? I didn't get a paper.”

“Shut up and lie still, Earl, or you'll ruin it,” Bucky said. Earl put his head back down.
Bucky and the guys said it again. “Mog wee riley wag nag flum.”

“Huh. That sounds familiar. Did you get that outta one of those Lovecraft movies we all watched together? Was it the one with that guy from Quantum Leap?” Earl said. “Oof. Have you ever actually read any Lovecraft? Cool monsters, but ooh boy. That guy was a piece of work. He was definitely too uppity to hang out with working-class guys like us. That's for sure.”

“Jesus Christ, Earl. Shut up,” Bucky said. “You made me lose my place.”

“Sorry. Granny always said my mouth didn't have an off button,” Earl said.

“All right, fellas. Middle of page one,” Bucky said. “Gods of the dark watery realm, hear us! I command you, creatures of the water. Hear me, for I am your master now!”

“Huh.” Earl scratched his head. “Is that from the movie where the green puppet came out of the toilet? What was that called again? Gremlins?”

“It was Ghoulies, you dumbass, which was way better than Gremlins. And it was made first, so I don't wanna hear how it was a copycat. Now shut up!” Bucky said it with a hint of brimstone, like a preacher. He got that way about bad movies.

“Oh, sorry.” Earl lay back down and tried to relax. Man. Saving the world had a lot of rules! “I still like Gremlins better. They were so cute and fuzzy. What was that little guy's name? Magwee? Wouldn't mind a pet like that. Probably shouldn't, though. I've got too many fish tanks. If he fell in, I'd be up to my eyeballs in em, like Tribbles.”

“That's it! I said, shut UP!” Bucky stepped up and put a piece of tape over Earl's mouth.
Earl really hoped it was a fresh piece because he didn't want to know what kind of lint and dirt had been living on this carpet. It was bad enough lying on it mostly naked wearing red satin panties. But Earl certainly didn't want it near his mouth.

Bucky repeated the whole thing from the top, and all the guys chanted along. “Gods of the dark watery realm, hear us!

Mog wee riley wag nag flum. I command you, creatures of the water. I am your master on land!” Bucky's voice rose. “I will lead your watery legions into this world, so that we may rule over the earth and all its inhabitants together. To seal this covenant, I offer you this sacrifice to feed your god!”

Bucky raised the bumpy thing and in the light of the Dolly candle, Earl saw it was that movie prop dagger Bucky kept in a dusty display case wedged between the first rack of Horror VHS tapes and that muddy concrete Saint Joseph statue he dug up out of his mom's yard so he could resell it.

“Hey. Is that the Cambodian dagger from that movie you like? Boy. This must be a special occasion. I noticed your Aliens versus Predator spear is out of the case, too. You never take those out! The boys have been begging you to let them play with those for weeks,” Earl said. So much for that tape. It didn't hold. It didn't stand a chance.

Bucky huffed. “It's a Kandarian demon dagger replica from Evil Dead 2, and none of you assholes can touch my props. You don't 'play' with them. They ain't cheap. This one cost me two hundred bucks. Now shut up!”

“Hold up. Did you say 'rule over the earth' in that chant? I thought we were banishing the monsters so they couldn't come here. I thought we were saving the earth,” Earl said. “And what's all this about a sacrifice?”

“Why don't I show you?” Bucky's oily nostrils flared with rage. “Hold him down, boys.”

Chester and his cousins, Timmy and Darryl, grabbed Earl's arms and pinned him to the dirty carpet. Jethro and Cyle with a C looked at each other.

“Come on, guys. Very funny. But I know that dagger's made of rubber,” Earl said.

“I reinforced it.” Bucky turned it, and in the light of the divine Dolly candle, Earl could see a glint of metal. A long kitchen knife, zip tied to the fake bones. It looked sharp.

Earl's brain clicked. “Hold up. Are you planning to sacrifice me? For real?” Earl wiggled under Chester and his cousins, Timmy and Darryl's, grips. “Let me go! I didn't sign up for this!”

Bucky moved in, holding the knife over Earl's chest. “Shut up, Earl. It ain't personal.”

“It certainly is personal!” Earl tried to wiggle free, but Chester and his cousins Timmy and Darryl were big, burly Northwoods Bubbas who'd been working manual labor since they were old enough to walk.

“Your life is a small price to pay for power and glory, and a chance to rule the world,” Bucky said.

“Have you all lost your minds? We can't be the guys who release the evil monsters. We have to be the guys who save everyone,” Earl said. “We have to be the good guys!”

“Says who? What's being good ever gotten us?” Bucky said. “Look around. You live in a trailer park with only fish for friends. And I live in a single-wide full of old porn. This is my one chance to be on top, and I'm taking it. We're all taking it. Now hold still so we can sacrifice you. I've got a hungry fish god to feed.”

Chester and his cousins, Timmy and Darryl, pressed Earl into the dirty shag carpet extra hard.

“Are you guys in on this? Did you guys know Bucky planned to kill me?” Earl tried to wriggle free but couldn't.

The guys all nodded.

“What did I ever do to you?” Earl said. “Why me?”

They looked at each other like they were thinking about it. “You're all right. But it's real annoying when you go on about your pet fish,” Chester said.

Earl's jaw dropped. “Proper fish care is important. They depend on us!”

“What're you so upset about?” Bucky asked. “No one's gonna miss you.”

“That's not true! Who will work nights at the Gas 'n' Stop?”

Bucky shrugged. “Timmy can take those shifts, can't ya? He's looking for hours. They cut back his shifts at the plant.”

Timmy nodded.

“That's it! I don't have to take this.” Earl sat straight up, but they pushed him right back down.

Bucky positioned the knife over Earl's chest, and Earl realized that if he didn't drum up a miracle, this was how his story was gonna end.

“What if the ritual doesn't work? You stole those lines from the movies. You made it all up,” Earl said. “What if you kill me for nothing?”

“I'm willing to risk it,” Bucky said. “Can't hurt, might help.”

“It certainly does hurt. It hurts me,” Earl said.
They didn't let him go. They were gonna go through with this, so Earl decided to appeal to their humanity.

“Come on, guys. Have a heart. You can't let me die before I hit thirty. I haven't seen the world. I haven't even told Holly how I really feel about her. And you really can't let me die in a pair of teeny red satin panties that came off a blow-up doll in a crappy, two-bit junk shop!”

“Hey. Who're you calling crappy?” Bucky said.

“Well, it is,” Earl said.

“Fair.” Bucky shrugged.

“See? You have a heart. You can't kill me,” Earl said.

“Yeah, I can. I want to be rich and have power. At this point, I don't care who I have to kill to get it,” Bucky said. “Boys.”

Chester and his cousins, Timmy and Darryl, held Earl down on the carpet. Apparently, they didn't have a heart. But Earl did, and Bucky was about to sink a movie prop dagger duct taped to a Ginsu knife right into it.

Bucky positioned the knife directly over Earl's heart and brought it down quick.

**
Thank you so much for reading this excerpt of Christmas Creeps from the Deep!

The ebook is available for preorder at Amazon:
here

And the paperback and hardback editions are available to preorder through Barnes & Noble:
here

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Hey ghouls, My interview with Viggy Parr Hampton on the "Screaming Until We Laugh" podcast is available wherever you get your podcasts. Here's a link: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2139349/episodes/17510155 And here is the episode description: Horror doesn’t just have to scare you--horror can also make you laugh. Nobody knows that better than Denise Guay, who writes under the … Continue reading Listen to me ramble and pretend to be smart on the “Screaming Until We Laugh” podcast!

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