Simon Lyons's Blog

My latest novel, The last weekend in Wonderland, features 88 bands and artists, 28 songs, 22 albums and countless live gigs.

Although a work of fiction, I’ve interwoven the story of two lifelong friends with a backdrop of my 52 years of gigging. I’m often asked what’s the best gig I’ve ever been to – this is an impossible question to answer. What I can do, is start with what top 10 gigs I’d return to if someone miraculously invents a time machine.

Firstly, I’d head back to Wembley Pool as it was known in 1972, where my sister took me to see Alice Cooper supported by an exciting new band called Roxy music. The whole experience inspired me to want to get to more gigs, and next on my list would be my first live music experience with mates; Lou Reed and the Tots at the Sundown Edmonton (now a Lidl!).

We’d read in our Bible, the Melody Maker, that Lou and his former band the Velvet Underground were a big influence on our new hero David Bowie. I didn’t know any of Lou Reed’s songs and was in shock when I heard the wall of noise emanate from the stage. I was seduced by his look, all in black with a red guitar. I went on to see him a further 21 times but that first sighting will always be my most abiding memory of him.

I had to wait a while before going to see my musical God David Bowie but unfortunately, it was at the worst venue I’ve ever attended – Earls Court. The view was terrible as was the sound, but I’ll never forget the sheer excitement of seeing the main man in the flesh. Again, I’ve seen him a few times since, but nothing beats the first time.

Ironically, it was David Bowie that reignited the career of my favourite band Mott the Hoople, who I would see many times, but it was a random gig at the London College of Print that I recall with most affection. The last weekend in Wonderland is punctuated by many Mott the Hoople tales, so no spoilers here, but the circumstances that led to me obtaining gold entry to this tiny sold out gig made the evening probably my most memorable gig ever! The band I’d followed from pub band to the big time were for one night, up close and personal, playing the songs I loved.

Without doubt one of the best live bands I’ve ever seen were The Sensational Alex Harvey Band and their ‘Sunday night at the London Palladium’ concert is another unforgettable night from the seventies. Visually SAHB are without doubt the most stand out band I’ve ever seen. The stage settings, their clothes, dancing girls and of course, guitarist Zal Cleminson with his clown face and posture – they had one of the most iconic looks in rock history.

Alex Harvey before the London Palladium show

I had a bit of a lull in the mid 70’s as the bands I loved either split up, or became over bloated and passed their best, particularly the prog rock bands. I was now working and desperately seeking a girlfriend! Gigging took a back seat until the summer of ’77, when I happened upon The Jam at the California Ballroom in sleepy Dunstable. Again, this jaw on the floor moment is covered in detail in my book but from this moment I was back in the Saddle spending every weekend either at the Roundhouse or the Nashville, or both. The Clash, Damned, Stranglers were all seen regularly. Seeing Weller, Foxton and Buckner blast into the Batman theme in their black and white suits and red guitars remains right up there as the moment I realised gigging was for life!

When the ‘80’s and the New Romantics arrived, my salvation was The Boss and I saw him at Wembley arena in 1981. Springsteen played a near four-hour set and was joined on stage by another of my heroes, Joe Strummer for an unforgettable encore of ‘Should I stay or should I go now’.

It would be over two decades before felt that buzz again! Paying the mortgage, kids, life in general made the ‘80’s and ‘90’s my wilderness years in terms of gigs but in the early noughties a friendship with Paddy ‘the plank’ Callaghan, the legendary minder for Frank Zappa and latterly, Elvis Costello, reaped dividends and he invited my wife and I to a box at the Royal Albert Hall to see The Who. This was to be John Entwistles last UK show and they played hit after hit; it was an absolute masterclass in classic rock.

Simon with Paddy ‘The Plank’

Around this period both my daughters were at Uni and we decided to take advantage of our new-found freedom from parental responsibilities by regularly attending festivals. I’ve seen literally 1000’s of bands at festivals and one-day concerts. These obviously include some of the most stand out performances I’ve witnessed, but I will cover these in a future blog.

To my great delight my younger daughter got herself a job at the Roundhouse which meant the occasional complimentary tickets. In 2016, I was inundated with requests from younger friends desperate to get their hands on tickets for Richard Ashcroft which had sold out in minutes. My daughter called me on the afternoon of the concert to say there were four guest tickets for me and I was able to make at least three friends very happy indeed. I was obviously familiar with The Verve classics and had read about his problems with stage fright, but I have to say, I was completely blown away by his performance. His band were magnificent, and his solo material was outstanding. Many of the audience were in tears during ‘The drugs don’t work’. He has one of the most unique vocal styles I’ve ever heard.

With the arrival of the pandemic and the forced hiatus of live music, I thought I’d never add to my list again but all that changed in October 2021, when I was a guest of the legendary music guru Edmund Vitali for Patti Smith at the Royal Albert Hall. I’d seen her at a couple of festivals but never understood what all the fuss was about and at the age of 74, I assumed she was way passed her prime. How wrong I was! My jaw was firmly stuck to the floor from beginning to the incredible ending, when she morphed into a cross between Pete Townsend and Sonic Youth and literally broke the stings of her guitar as she trashed her way through a mind-blowing cover of ‘My generation’!

It has been an unexpected pleasure to have to once again reassess my top ten live gigs. In my next blog, I’ll be looking back at gigs that don’t need a time machine; they are stuck in my memory for varying reasons, time and place, who I was with, and unexpected connected events.

THE POO’S AND DONTS OF FESTIVAL TOILETS

[image error]My new novel ‘The last weekend in wonderland’ centres around two music festivals forty three years apart. The infamous Weeley rock festival in 1971 was the last non stop 24 hour festival allowed in this country , with the music starting at midnight on Friday and continuing round the clock to 4am on Monday! Due to the violence and general mayhem the government of the day brought in laws demanding curfews from 11 pm to mid day. 

So what are the big differences between those early festivals and what has become the huge worldwide event industry today.

Tickets for Weeley cost £1.25 ! I’ve just paid £200 for a ticket for this years Isle of Wight festival.

Tents took an hour to put up , now a pop up tent takes five seconds!

Catering back in the day was virtually non existent, a bacon bap was as good as it could get. Nowadays the choice of food and drink is brought to you by Waitrose on tour! Music/ foodie festivals are now all the rage with celebrity chefs now headline instead of Guitar Gods!

At the Weeley festival the security was in the hands of a local Hells Angel chapter but a fall out with caterers from Bermondsey caused a war with disastrous consequences as my book details. Fences surrounding the festival sites were flimsy and most festivals in the seventies quickly became free festivals as the marauding hordes simply bashed the fences down. Nowadays concrete walls patrolled by security firms with dogs makes sure only festival goers with tickets and wrist bands get in.

It’s true to say the mobile phone has changed every facet of society and obviously it’s had its effect on the festival experience. Back in my teenage days the festival experience was greatly enhanced by having absolutely no communication with our parents! Nowadays youngsters at their first festivals , probably Reading/ Leeds , have to check in with  their parents every hour which is a nuisance when they are off their faces with ‘MDMA’!. Then there’s the endless photos and videos on social media. There’s very little footage of the Weeley festival which has added to its mystique. 

Probably the biggest difference between then and now  are the toilet and shower facilities! Quite simply back in 1971 there wasn’t any! For blokes there was simply a long ditch for number ones and a small  canvass covered corridor with 2 lines of buckets ( see photo) for number twos. Toilet paper was as scarce as it was in supermarkets in March 2020!! The ladies could enjoy the men’s number two facilities for both one and twos ! From my memory there were far fewer females in attendance back then?

Nowadays there are still those who say” I’d love to try a festival but I couldn’t cope with the loos” ! Quite simply there are two types of people in this world. Those who have crapped on a festival loo and those who have not!! Today we have plastic urinals and Porter loos a plenty. And you can for few quid upgrade to more luxurious facilities. For example there are companies that charge £4 a dump . For three times the ticket cost of the aforementioned Weeley festival you get twenty uninterrupted minutes , a bucket of pot puri to smother the previous efforts and a guaranteed SOFT  bog roll!!

One trick of the trade I’ve tried is to print and laminate a few A4 notices with the festival logo proclaiming “PRIORITY TOILET’ and stick them to a few strategic toilet doors around the festival site. Given the British respect for signage this can buy you a few hours of an untouched toilet seat! My record is around 24 hours !!

One last tip is regards to the showers. Once again you can upgrade to personal showers from the basic communal blocks but there will still be fixed  shower heads with a very erratic flow and  an even more erratic temperature. So I’d advise spending a few weeks before the festival practicing handstands so you can get some water pressure on the bits and bobs that really need a wash!!!?

If you are one the people that would rather not experience the delights of festival facilities yourselves you can enjoy the experience without having to sample  the sights and smells by reading about them in ‘ The last weekend in wonderland”!! Coming soon!

No spoilers, you’ll have to read my debut novel for the fine details.

I can promise you it’s not easy. For a start there’s always four of them and there instruments can strike a hefty blow, particularly the cellist . If you do happen to overpower them, how do you transport them? Where do you keep them?

Yes of course they have rich families to blackmail, they are string quartet for a Gods sake, their parents will be lawyers or accountants . They won’t be oiks from a failing comprehensive school , the product of a one parent family.  On the positive side, they should be easily intimidated, they are classically trained musicians so unlikely to fight back.

Why do you think a rock band have never been kidnapped? All the ‘Big A’ had in my novel was a cousin (albeit a ‘made man’) and an English tourist. You’d need a full SAS platoon to kidnap Oasis for Example. The Sex Pistols, forget it unless you can obtain a dirty bomb.
Why would anyone want to kidnap a string quartet anyway? Well the ‘Big A’ had good reason and good intentions. If he would have asked nicely in the first place, who knows, they might have been at his ex wife’s bedside within the hour, playing their amazing version of the Beach boys classic ‘God only knows’. But then my book would have only been two pages long!

Discover the ‘Big A’s’ method in my debut novel How to Kidnap a String Quartet.

No spoilers, you’ll have to read my debut novel for the fine details.

I can promise you it’s not easy. For a start there’s always four of them and there instruments can strike a hefty blow, particularly the cellist . If you do happen to overpower them, how do you transport them? Where do you keep them?

Yes of course they have rich families to blackmail, their a string quartet for a Gods sake, their parents will be lawyers or accountants . They won’t be oiks from a failing comprehensive school , the product of a one parent family.  On the positive side, they should be easily intimidated, they are classically trained musicians so unlikely to fight back.

Why do you think a rock band have never been kidnapped? All the ‘Big A’ had in my novel was a cousin (albeit a ‘made man’) and an English tourist. You’d need a full SAS platoon to kidnap Oasis for Example. The Sex Pistols, forget it unless you can obtain a dirty bomb.

Why would anyone want to kidnap a string quartet anyway? Well the ‘Big A’ had good reason and good intentions. If he would have asked nicely in the first place, who knows, they might have been at his ex wife’s bedside within the hour, playing their amazing version of the Beach boys classic ‘God only knows’. But then my book would have only been two pages long!

Discover the ‘Big A’s’ method in my debut novel How to Kidnap a String Quartet.