Emily-Jane Clark's Blog

I managed to get back on to this very old website that I thought had died and gone to blog heaven. It reminded me of what a sleep-deprived mess I was! In fact, if you have got any sense at all, reader, you will be having a delicious nap because you CAN, and not reading … Continue reading Is anybody awake?

���How are you finding motherhood?��� People
would ask shortly after the arrival of my first baby.

���So great,��� I lied, fighting back the
tears. ���Best thing ever.���

The truth is, I felt like crap.

But I had seen the smiling new mums on Facebook and Instagram holding tiny babies in their arms. I had read the glossy parenting magazines. I knew how I should be feeling. I should be glowing with happiness at the arrival of a beautiful, healthy child. So why wasn���t I?

When we had visitors, I reluctantly
showered and dressed, put on my make up and pretended to be loving this
mothering stuff.

I gave everyone what they expected.  I
shouldn���t have done.

By not being honest I was only helping to
reinforce the lie that new baby equals instant joy. The very lie that had made
me feel terrible in the first place.

I should have told the truth. ���I have
STITCHES. I am bleeding. I am sore. I am uncomfortable. I am exhausted. My baby
will not let me put her down. EVER. She sometimes cries and I have no idea why.
I have sick in my hair. I need a shower. I need some sleep. How can
it even be legal to look after a tiny baby on NO bloody sleep?

“I am not cut out for this. I am
terrified. Quite frankly, motherhood is a bit of a dick.”

Life with a newborn was not the joyful experience I had expected. I was anxious, tired and even when my baby did actually sleep, I couldn���t sleep. I cried a lot.�� I was petrified by the idea that if this didn���t work out, there was no going back to my old life. This was IT. Forever. And so far this��� was��so hard.

Sleep Is For The Weak : The Book

I was ashamed. I felt guilty. I had a
healthy, happy baby. Why wasn���t I skipping around the house like Mary Poppins?

I used to be organised and confident. Now I
was drowning in mess and chaos and constantly doubting myself. I felt as
thought I was swimming against the tide trying desperately to keep my head
above water.

I hated myself for wasting this precious time with my young baby. Time I would not get back. Days passed, then weeks, then months. I wished that I could press pause. I needed time to breathe and to hear my own thoughts. I needed space to get my head around this parenting gig. I was a mother now, I was meant to be cherishing the hell out of all of this. Where was all the fucking joy?

The thing is, I may have been a new mother
but I was also a human.

Take the baby out of the equation.

You are a normal human person who has come out of hospital after a major procedure. You are exhausted and in pain.

You are dealing with a MAJOR change in your life. You have started a new job. A job you have NO experience in. A demanding job which requires you to work 24 hour shifts with NO breaks. Finally, despite the fact you are mainly covered in vomit and deprived of sleep ��� you must be HAPPY BECAUSE YOU ARE BLESSED.

You are also experiencing emotions you have never experienced before. You are tired, raw and overwhelmed by love, fear, guilt and loss.

Heavy stuff! But hey, SMILE for the camera?

Bringing a child into the world for the
first time is massive. Nothing will ever be the same again. It is physically
and emotionally draining. Feeling happy, sad, scared or anxious are all
perfectly acceptable human reactions to such a huge event. We are all different.
There is no normal way to feel.

If you feel a bit crap, that is ok.

If you think ���what the hell have I done?���
that is ok.

If you cannot stop smiling with joy that is
ok.

If you have postnatal depression , one in ten women do (I had it ) It’s not unusual and it’s your fault.

So be yourself. Be human.

Home-Start #RealLifeParenting Campaign

Home-Start, a charity that helps families in need, released a study that reveals 6 in 10 parents feel pressure from social media to be the ���perfect parent���. Of those polled, 51% said that fears of being seen as a bad parent would stop them asking for help.�� This is why sharing our Real Life Parenting experiences is vital for the mental health and wellbeing of new and young parents who set unrealistic expectation for themselves based on images they see on social media.��

It has been eight years (how did that happen!?) since I became a mum and thankfully, things did get easier.

Once I stopped worrying about how I should feel or how I should be, I found my own way. I accepted that motherhood wasn’t all rainbows and lemonade but that was OK. Once I got the support I needed from Home-Start, family and my local health services, I found the joy.

I wrote more on this in my book Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The F**K To sleep.

Available at Amazon and from actual book shops.

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Welcome to my brand new newsletter for anyone who is lying in the dark waiting for a small human to fall asleep, bored or just really likes reading newsletters.

A bit about this newsletter….

1) Why are you writing a newsletter instead of�� sleeping or drinking a nice glass of wine?

Because no one in my house gives a shit about my news. They only care about�� snacks and going to the fucking park. Of course, there is a big chance that you don’t give a shit either. And you’ll get so bored reading this that you click on a Google Ad just to get away from me, in which case you just made me 0.000001p which was all part of my plan, SUCKER!

2) What will be IN this newsletter?

On a good day I’ll share the stuff I have been writing like this investigative piece about�� a��mysterious condition my children develop as soon as I switch off their light and say goodnight – you can check it out here�����

Kid perfectly fit and well all day has 6,000 ailments at bedtime

And this about my current bag situation…

Woman’s handbag basically a dustbin with leather handles

I might even tell you about things i wrote that will be on the actual TV like this:

OR, on a bad day I might just email you a shopping list or a picture of my left foot.

There’ll also be some AMAZING�� poetry like this….

SHIT

Sometimes

it���s ok to lose your shit

because if you keep your shit

you���ll end up full of shit

and you���ll explode

and there���d be shit everywhere

A shit storm

And nobody wants that.

– Emily-Jane Clark

��� Emily-Jane Clark (@EmilyJaneClark) August 27, 2019

I might also talk a bit about sleep and kids because that is probably how some of you got here. Although, my kids go to sleep now (so that’s the Sleep is for the Weak sequel down the drain) I still have a little bed crasher but let’s gloss over that. BUT I ‘m still TIRED . Mostly because I lie awake thinking about all the stuff like this

3) Is this entire newsletter just going to be about this newsletter?

of course not. In fact, it’s about to get really exciting.

4) The exciting bit

I am doing a NEW newsletter!�� (sorry).

5) In other news..

A lot of people have messaged me asking whether I am writing another book. The answer is YES but it won’t be about sleep�� because as I may have mentioned my bastard kids have started sleeping now. I suppose i could have another baby…but I am way too tired and busy and just really don’t want another baby.�� ��I am currently working as a comedy writer (or writer of bollocks for money as I call it) in between writing a novel for early readers (because I promised my kids I would write something with NO swearing in it) and a non-fiction book full of all the random poetry, dialogue and nonsense I scribbled in my diary during the first few years of parenthood�� …AND a sitcom so you seem, definitely no TIME to have a baby for my art…

 

And that’s about it for now!�� Thanks for reading or fucking off to read all about a new mattress you saw on Google ads.

PS: My FIVE STAR (go me!) rated book Sleep Is For The Weak- which is an antithesis to baby sleep advice – is available on Amazon right now..

The post Breaking news for bored or broken people appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

WHY is it that when you co-sleep with your child, everyone else is far more worried about it than you?

First, you get the ���Rod For Your Own Back’ people who are absolutely TERRIFIED for your future for some reason.

Then there are the People Weirdly Anxious About Your Sex Life.��Even if,��In A Bed At Night was the only place you and your partner could possibly ever have sex (if you weren’t too tired from ���HELLO��� having a baby) WHY do these people even care if I’m getting any? STOP THINKING ABOUT ME SHAGGING YOU PERVERTS.

Next, are the most annoying of all, the ones that are��obsessed with�� ‘self soothing’����and don’t seem to understand that BABIES ARE BABIES AND IT IS OUR JOB TO SOOTHE THEM, YOU WANKERS.

Finally, there are the ���Scaremongerering Shitheads���, who spout a load shit at you about the hazards of co-sleeping and keep tagging you on ���READ THIS OR YOUR BABY WILL DIE��� articles on Facebook without actually checking the facts. I can only assume that these people truly believe that you are a drunk IDIOT who sleeps with babies while smoking fags on a sofa made out of danger.

So after years of enduring a lot of co-sleeping-based ‘advice’, hysteria and ���helpful��� observations, I have come��up with a few responses guaranteed to shut these unsolicited advisors DOWN (and possibly make sure they never speak to you again because they think you���re a twisted weirdo).

Comebacks for co-sleepers

THEM: You really need to teach her to self-soothe or she���ll never get herself to sleep.�� �� �� YOU: You are right! If I�� do things for her that she can’t do because she is an actual baby, she might stay a baby forever.�� I’m also thinking of leaving her lying on the carpet until she learns to ���self-transport��� and keeping her in a shitty nappy until she learns to self-shit-wipe?�� That way she���ll be totally self-sufficient by the time she is one-years-old! Actually forget that, I am pretty sure that self-soothing is bollocks.

THEM: Oh my god you let your baby sleep in the Marital Bed? But what about sex? How do you do the sex? Your marriage is doomed without the bed sex?

YOU: Oh it’s fine we just have sex with the baby there while shouting ‘this is how we made you, sweetie’. It’s a real turn on (too much?)

THEM: It is dangerous to share your bed with a baby ��� they could die!

YOU:�� Yes but I like living on the edge. I suppose I could read all the safety guidelines, get rid of my bed of nails and co-sleep safely but what would be the fun in that?

THEM: If you feed your baby to sleep, you���ll always have to feed her to sleep.

YOU: Tell me about it. My poor old mum fed me to sleep when I was a baby, and now every night I���m on the phone; ���mum can you bring me a sandwich?��� and she whizzes round and feeds me a ham roll until I drop off. Bless her.

THEM: If you cuddle or rock your baby to sleep, it’ll become their sleep crutch and you���ll have to rock or cuddle them to sleep forever.�� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� ��YOU: Oh, I don���t mind the cuddling and rocking but it���s performing the nightly satanic rituals that are a pain in the arse. We did them a few times to comfort her and�� now she simply won���t settle until we���ve sacrificed a badger to the devil. The old ���Four Bs��� Routine- bath, book, badger slaughter and bed is a nightmare.

THEM: She’ll grow up to be totally dependant on you if you cuddle her all night.�� �� �� �� ���� �� �� �� YOU: Awww do you need a little cuddle?

THEM: If she gets used to sleeping with you she���ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by herself’.

YOU: I carried my babies before they could walk. Later, I held their tiny hands to support them as they toddled unsteadily around the room. Then when they were ready to take their first steps, I was there to catch them if they fell. They weren’t scared because they knew I was there if they needed me. They can walk now and don���t need me to carry them any more.

I reckon it is the same with sleep. Babies need us to help them sleep because we make them feel safe. If they wake up scared and alone, they need to know we are there. To catch them when they fall. They need us to support them, until they can sleep alone.

If we carry them when they need us, one day they will fly. Or sleep. Preferably f**king sleep.

MY BOOK FOR TIRED PARENTS

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.���� You can also subscribe for more useless information��like this using the form below.

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The post Handy Comebacks For Co-Sleepers appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

WHILE many people across the UK (Ok about five) are basking in the current heatwave, there are some of us who are not enjoying this hot weather.

Parents.�� Mums and dads across the country are hot, bothered and stressed because their little angels just won���t go to sleep at night.

As a result everyone in the house is tired, sweaty grumpy and longing for those wonderful Beast From The East days.

But fear not my shattered sweating friends. Help is at hand.

Here is the only guide you need on how to get your kids to sleep when it���s really bloody hot

1) Read all the Internet articles about how to get your kids to sleep in a heatwave that basically tell you to use thinner sheets and open the f**king windows like WE NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT.

2) Spend three million years trying to block every single last piece of sunlight from your child’s bedroom window like a manic vampire only for them to outsmart you by turning their bedside lamp on.

3) Get your children a nice cup of cold water ���and throw it in their whingeing little faces.

4) Move to Iceland. The country or the supermarket depending on your budget.

5) Put your child in a cool bath and…that���s it. Walk away.

6) Get a fan for your children���s bedroom so they can get their hair caught in it or stick a body part in it and then cry for two hours.

7) Try to wear your kids out by running around outside until you all pass out with heatstroke. ����

8) Repeatedly tell them ���go to sleep or you���ll be tired tomorrow��� even though in the history of bedtime that line has never made a child fall asleep.

9. Wonder if you are a bad parent when your kid tries to cuddle and you are all like ���IT’S TOO HOT FOR BODY CONTACT GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN���

10) Open the window. Shout, ���I���m too hot for this shit���, jump out and run away until Autumn.

READ MORE ABOUT: Barbecues in my hard hitting article for Daily Mash ��MAN COOKS MEAT AT BBQ BUT DOES SOD ALL ELSE.

OR BEDTIMES ON HOLIDAY: In my Holiday Bedtime Diaries (basically don’t even bother)

THE BOOK

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.���� You can also subscribe for more useless information��like this using the form below.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

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The post An alternative guide to getting your kids to go the f**k to sleep in a heatwave appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

��A BABY’S GUIDE TO BABIES (BECAUSE PARENTS ARE IDIOTS)

LESSON 3: How not to be an arsehole visitor

Did you know that moving house is considered one of life���s most stressful events?

So imagine not only moving house, but moving entire universes. Because that my friends, is how��it feels when new babies relocate from Inside A Woman to Outside A Woman. It’s a BIG deal.

Seriously, it is crazy on the outside! Every single thing we see is new and strange. I once just stared at a cushion for three hours. THREE HOURS spent just trying to work out what the hell it’s game was.

Have you ever wondered why babies sometimes cry a lot for no apparent reason? It’s because we are living in a state of continuous mind-fuckery ( I believe the grown ups call this ���colic���).

Then there’s all the noise! That was almost enough to make me want to crawl back through mummy���s lush womb curtains.

Imagine going from hearing to nothing but the dulcet tones of a heart beat, perhaps the low hum of distant voices���to being surrounded by big fat shouty humans speaking at you in a language that you do not understand. IT IS WEIRD SHIT.

So when I arrived at the place my parents called ‘home’ for the first time I needed a bit of down time. The chance to get used to my new crib in peace. But did I get it? No. I. Did. Not.

Instead, I was subjected to doors knocking, phones ringing, gadgets beeping, cooing, wooing, people sniffing me, prodding me, squeezing me, peepo-ing in my frigging face and telling me I look like Uncle fucking Jack (Uncle Jack is an overweight 55-year-old lorry driver. I do NOT and never have looked like a��an overweight 55-year-old lorry driver).

I don���t know why my parents let anyone come in. I blame Mary, myself. ��Poor baby Jesus, had quite literally just been born when she let the world, his wife and some random shepherds come for a visit! She set a precedent, right there. Idiot.

The thing is, even though mummy looked and felt like crap, she was getting up and down, making tea, answering doors, taking phone calls and handing out chocolate digestives like they were going out of fashion.

What she should have been doing is sitting on her SORE stitched-up arse as much as possible and resting BUT she didn���t because, as I may have mentioned, parents are idiots.

So if you have just had a baby���������don���t be an idiot.

CHILL OUT. A baby is yours to keep forever. ��You have plenty of time to show your bundle of joy off to family, friends or random shepherds.

OK, OK, I know you���ll still get those��arseholes visitors who won’t take no for an answer, but do not worry. ��For those people I have laid down a few ground rules. You’re welcome.

Dear arsehole visitors,

New parents are tired, overwhelmed and mostly just want to be left the hell alone.

However, if you must turn up to welcome their newborn into the world right THIS MINUTE please adhere to the following guidelines.

1. Visitors are not permitted to arrive unannounced

This will be treated as an act of pure evil.

2. Visitors are not permitted to ask questions

Will you be getting the baby christened? When will she go in her own room? Will you co-sleep? Will you use breast or bottle? When do you think you���ll go back to work?

New parents do not need this kind of interrogation. They are knackered! They can barely work out what they are having for breakfast, let alone which school they will send their child too.

3. Bring presents (for mummy)

Seriously, doesn���t the woman who just pushed a small human out of her vagina, deserve something? Perhaps champagne or a box of chocolates? The baby has basically sat on it’s arse for the past nine months. It literally got the gift of LIFE.

4. Visitors must not under any circumstances mention ‘sleep’

How is baby sleeping? Are you getting much sleep? Does baby sleep through yet?

NONE of these questions are acceptable. Babies sleep like babies���������ie. waking up all the bloody time for food, comfort or a nappy change. So please take it as a given that most new parents aren���t sleeping. So don���t be a dick. Shut the hell up about sleep and make a damn coffee.

5. Make your own bloody tea

Unlike the newborn you have come to visit, you are quite capable of taking care of yourself so get off your pile-free bum and make everyone a cuppa. Better still, stop off at Costa on the way to save leaving any washing up.

6. Change a nappy

It is a shit job but someone���s got to do it and that someone is usually mummy or daddy so come on, it is YOUR turn.

7. Wash your hands

You may think you have clean hands until you meet the mother of a newborn.

BUT it is a real true fact that new mothers are highly adept in detecting dirt invisible to the naked eye. She is well aware that on every square centimetre of your hand there are 1,500 bacteria.

And the moment you touch her baby���s face or, god forbid, let the baby suck your finger (why?) ����� she can see all 50,000 of those germy little tossers wriggling off your hand and into her baby���s brand new little mouth.

CONCLUSION

You have just had an actual baby. You made a tiny human with your body. This is massive life changing stuff. You and your baby are physically and emotionally exhausted.

So take time to yourself ��to wear your dirty pyjamas and stumble about in the dark like a zombie.

Spend those first few weeks cherishing the nappy explosions, the sleepless nights and the endless vomiting.

Savour being able to swear out loud while baby is too young to understand without being frowned at by Great Aunt Joyce.

People will get that you need time to acclimatise to your new life as parents.

If they do not then they are arseholes and so you’ve got to ask yourself – do I want to be friends with arseholes?��(The answer is no, by the way).

Join me next time for Lesson Number 4:�� Separation anxiety or where the hell did mummy go? Or��Feel free to check out my other lessons in the series…

Lesson 1: How Babies Actually Work

Lesson 2: A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.���� You can also subscribe for more useless information��like this using the form below.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

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Email Address

The post A Baby’s Guide To Dealing With Arseholes appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

(Picture: Getty)

A guest post by��naturopathic nutritionist Lisa Sheehy.����

SO you survived morning sickness, dealt with not drinking even when the world drove you to it, and managed to somehow bend, roll over and sleep with an enormous bump.

Labour was everything they warned you about and more but finally your baby was born. Ten tiny fingers, ten tiny toes, overwhelming love and that deliciously scented head.

You sunk back into a plump nest of V shaped pillows and organic linen as the baby slept peacefully. A mother at last, creator of life, accomplished, calm and fulfilled. Right?

Well, maybe not so much ��– reality can bite. Sore nipples, sleep deprivation, sore lady bits and a desperate need for some peace can be tough. Because babies cry. A lot. Around two hours a day in the first six weeks according to a recent study.����

But what if you have fed, burped and nappy changed your baby and they still cry. What then?

Colic involves lots of threes

The NHS use the term ���colic��� to define a healthy baby who cries excessively and can’t be soothed. (

The number three is used a lot to explain what excessive crying looks like. WebMD.com say that most doctors define this as ���more than three hours a day more than 3 days a week for at least three week��� (4) Ouch.

That’s a lot of crying!

The frustration of people not knowing WHY

Even though around 28 per cent of UK newborns suffer from colic there is still no medical consensus on why it happens. (6)

This is where naturopathy could come to the rescue imagine a superhero now – maybe a more feminist, fatter and hippyish version of wonderwoman.

When I say I am a naturopathic nutritionist people often look at me in a baffled way. I understand because I had never heard of one until I was about 30 either!

I was a cancer and Macmillan nurse for 14 years but after learning about the power of plants and herbs I became hooked on natural healing and quit!

Naturopaths are like hippy health detectives, we do a thorough assessment to find the root cause of illness and use food, supplements or herbs to restore balance and relieve discomfort.

So what could cause colic?

Sometimes people will jump immediately to cutting things out of your baby���s diet but if you are breastfeeding look at this first.

Digestion

If you have looked at any boob related issues and colic persists it’s time to look at digestion. As Hippocrates famously said 2000 years ago ���all disease begins in the gut��� and it is true. Babies digestive systems can be delicate and sometimes need some support

Probiotics

Those friendly gut bacteria help digestion and sometimes babies need a bit of help to get the right balance. When babies are born vaginally they are exposed to vaginal and faecal bacteria via their eyes, nose, lips and mouth. Though this sounds a bit icky, it is actually a good thing – you are giving the gift of probiotics through your bodily fluids! Don’t feel guilty if you had to have a C-section though – Optibac do an excellent range of probiotics for tiny people. (8)

��Bottle Feeding

I���m not going to lecture you, don’t worry. We all know that breastfeeding offers a whole host of benefits but unfortunately it does not work out for everybody. So if it’s not an option for you, what formula should you choose?

I would suggest going for the best you can afford. UK law prevents any form of advertisement of specific formulas but look for brands which are organic.

If your baby is getting digestive issues like wind, reflux or constipation/diarrhoea after a feed, it’s a good idea to look at the formula.

Around five per cent of babies have issues with allergies or intolerances, though testing is not reliable until they are around a year old. (7) It is a good idea to watch closely for symptoms.

The top three allergens are dairy, wheat and soya but finding a formula without any of these is very challenging. Trial dairy-free first and go sequentially through the others if issues persist. I would advise that at this point you seek support from a GP or naturopathic nutritionist.

Excluding Foods

If it’s not a formula sensitivity issue and probiotics have not helped,

it’s time to look at YOUR diet. Of course this only applies if you are breastfeeding.

Bad guy number one is cow’s milk with a fair few studies showing that colic can improve following removal(10).

Good news for broccoli haters – cruciferous vegetables can cause increased gas and removal from the diet reduces colic symptoms in some studies. (11)

Remember that though eliminating foods can be a drag it’s just for a few months and if its effective could be a total sanity saver.

Fourth Trimester Theory

So your boobs are fine, you have given up bread, chocolate and all sorts and your baby is still crying. You have my greatest of sympathies but please don’t give up!

Pediatrician Harvey Karp wrote his book ���The Happiest Baby on the Block ��� all about the ���fourth trimester���. After 20 years of research he concluded that babies are born at nine months because of their head size but could really benefit from another three months before they are able to cope with the stresses of the outside world.

He was initially inspired by a lecture about the Kung San tribe in South Africa where he learned that colic does not exist there. His research found that babies are nursed 50-100 times a day and have lots of skin-to-skin contact.�� Check out his 5 S Theory below.

This too will pass…

I know this is difficult – Many people describe colic as the hardest thing they have ever gone through.

But please be patient with yourself and if you do go down the naturopathic route to try to figure it out,�� bear in mind it can take time and does involve a lot of trial and error.

Caring for an endlessly crying baby is very tough, but simply by following the principles and steps above should empower you to get to the root of the issue and see improvements.

There is no cure-all solution but colic is also not as mysterious as it is made out to be!

Lisa Sheehy is a straight-talking naturopathic nutritionist and former Macmillan nurse. She writes about everything from sex and alcohol to colic!

You can contact Lisa for a bespoke assessment of you and your baby���s needs at lisasheehy83@gmail.com or find her on Facebook and read her blog www.nomadicnourishingact.com

The post GUEST POST: How to survive the ���C��� word ��� coping with colic appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

You know all that stuff THEY warn you about when you have a baby?

PUT them down drowsy but awake or they’ll ALWAYS sleep on you.

Don’t feed them to sleep or they’ll turn into a gremlin.

Teach them to self-settle or they’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by themselves.

Babies need 16 hours of sleep a day or bad, bad things will happen…

Don’t let them sleep on you or the world will end.��That kind of thing.

Well, it’s all bollocks.

And all those warning about not letting a baby sleep in your bed or they’ll have to sleep with you for the rest of their life. Along with the stuff about how creating a sleep crutch for your baby will�� condemn them to HELL?

All total bollocks.

‘THEY’ lied to me and they are lying to you too.

My kids are five and six-years-old now and I don’t��ever feed them to sleep, they can self settle and as far as I can tell they are not gremlins.

They are happy and healthy DESPITE never sleeping fuckteen hours a night when they were babies.

What’s more, now this may��blow your mind, but I fed my youngest to sleep until she was two and a half and these days she��walks and talks and goes to school like a normal kid!

Then there’s my six-year-old who once upon a time would ONLY sleep on me? Well, last night she asked me to stop singing a lullaby (I was nailing it by the way) because she wanted to read.

And it is not just my children.�� I know hundreds of people who’s offspring sleep perfectly fine despite never, ever going down drowsy but awake when they were infants.

I wish someone had told me that ‘they’ were full of bollocks when I had babies. I wasted so much time and money desperately trying to get my babies to sleep like the Bollockmongers told me they should sleep.

I would have still been knackered but I wouldn’t have been so bloody stressed!

If only I had trusted my instincts over the expert advice, maybe I wouldn’t have felt like such a failure who was rubbish at babies. Because now I look at my bright, funny, clever and well-rested kids and I KNOW for a fact I did nothing wrong.

My youngest daughter still climbs into my bed during the night but these days I don’t care what ‘They’ say. In fact, I don’t even know what They say because I stopped listening to their bollocks a long time ago.�� I just know that when she grows out of it – which she WILL- I’ll miss those twilight cuddles.

I regret believing the bollocks. I regret trying so hard NOT to let my firstborn sleep in my bed. I’ll always regret throwing out my comfy old dressing gown BUT I’ll never regret letting my children sleep with me, settling them to sleep or letting them snooze on my chest.

So, parents. Next time someone tries to tell you what you should be doing with your child, just nod, smile, mutter ‘bollocks’ under your breath and walk away.

Read some of my bollocks.. So I do this now. Writing important stuff����about internet dicks��and men taking so long to do a shit for satire news site��Daily Mash��and for TV’s Mash Report which included this��viral message to all women..I also still write for Metro and you can find my stuff here..

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever…

Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights . It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!! Also on Kindle.

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.���� You can also subscribe for more useless updates using the form below..

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The post It’s all a load of bollocks appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

You���ve tried co-sleeping, no sleeping, gradually retreating and dabbled in Gina Ford but STILL your baby will not sleep.

So in a desperate moment of sleep deprived madness you go to the place you told yourself you would never go��� The Mum Forums.

Then you post the words no parent should never post on the Internet�� ‘How do you get a baby to sleep?’ .��And things go a bit like this:

 

 

EMILYJANE

I am so tired. My baby is six months old and still wakes up all night every night. Does anyone know how to get a baby to sleep?

MummaFucker:

I feel your pain. @EMILYJANE I haven���t slept for a bloody week!!

TiredMummy:

A week! I haven���t slept since 1984.

SuperMummy:

You lot don���t know the meaning of the word tired! I���m a single mum with one leg, I work three jobs,�� I have 68 kids under 3 AND I am gluten intolerant. You ladies need to Mum up!��

SmugMum:

I hate to tell you this but my baby has slept through from six days old. Sorry not sorry

MummaFucker:

I hate to tell you this @SmugMum but fuck off.

FordMum:

Are you still breastfeeding? If so, your baby is probably waking up for breast. Try weaning her.

MummaNuture:

Try breastfeeding. Breast is best!�� ��Feed her two at a time if you can.

MummyMia:

Excuse me, but I am not a bad mother just because I don’t breastfeed @MummaNuture?

MummaNuture:

That’s not what I said! No judgment here mamma. It is your body, your choice. BUT.. it is a fact that breastmilk is best for babies. Just saying.����

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

FYI, it is also a fact that wine and coffee is best for tired mothers.

FordMum:

We switched to organic unicorn tears and our baby sleeps like a dream.

FunnyMummy:

We switched to gin and my baby does too.

CrazyMammy:

OT but here is a picture of Tom Hardy! You���re welcome.

MumzInBusiness:

Have you tried Sleepy baby pillow spray? I am a certified sleepy baby pillow spray seller. I can do you a good deal? I will DM you the info.

YummyMummy:

Oh you need to do something, hun. Babies are meant to be sleeping 12 hours a night at that age. Have you tried putting her down drowsy but awake?

MummaFucker:

Oh fuck off @YummyMummy

FordMum:

Do you know that babies who don���t sleep the recommended amount are more likely to be diabetic, insecure, depressed and fat, really fat.

MummaFucker:

Oh fuck off @FordMum

MummyMia:

Will you stop telling people to f*** off it is not appropriate @MummaFucker. I have reported to admin.

YummyMummy:

Perhaps he is teething? Or hungry? Or eating his teeth?

MotherDear:

Leave him to cry it out. I left my baby to cry three days ago and he is still asleep.

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

OT but does anyone know what this rash could be�����

YummyMummy:

@ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie�� ��I am not a doctor but it looks like it could be cancer.

MummaNuture:

You should Co-Sleep @EmilyJane. Co-sleeping is the best thing you can do for your baby.

MummyMia:

Are you saying mums who don’t co-sleep don’t love their babies?

YummyMummy:

Do NOT co-sleep or your baby will die!��

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

OH MY GOD CANCER!??

CatMum:

I feel your pain @EMILYJANE I don���t have baby but my cat woke me up purring last night.

TiredMummy:

That is not the same! Why on earth are you on this forum if you aren���t a mum???

CatMum:

I am a cat mum. Same thing.

MummaFucker:

Errr do you feed it with your body?�� Do you have to wipe shit off it’s tiny anus?����UNLESS YOU DO IT IS NOT THE SAME. FUCK OFF!

MUMMY1981:

Admin!�����

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

��I Googled it and it is not cancer!! Thanks so much for your support though that difficult time.

ICanMakeYourBabySleepForMoney:

You need to stop rocking or feeding your baby (or cat) to sleep. They have to learn to self settle or they will always need you to rock or feed them to sleep.�� Two words. Rod. Back. www.ICanMakeYourBabySleepForMoney.com

CrazyMummy:

OT but I think I am pregnant but not sure!! Can you see a pink line???

OhArhMam:

You’re not alone @EmilyJane. I���m so tired I’m considering shoving the baby back up my vagina so I can take a nap.

FunnyMummy:

Great idea. Would you go with head or feet first?

OhArhMam:

Probably head? Although, I’d probably need some kind of lube.

MummaNuture:

��Coconut oil?

MummyMia:

OMG! THIS THREAD! You cannot put a baby back! That would be abuse.�� ADMIN you need to get in here.

LoveMyKids:

You lot should be grateful you have babies. Cherish every moment, ladies.��Think of all those poor childless people out there without babies who just go to bed and sleep all night long.��

MummaFucker:

Lucky bastards. Can I cherish their moments?

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

After my cancer scare I am cherishing every second.

YummyMummy:

Go to the GP ASAP. There could be something seriously wrong with your baby. Have you tried a cranial osteopath?��

FordMum:

You need to sleep train your baby.�� It worked wonders for us. Now my baby sits and stays whenever I tell her too.

YummyMummy:

Have you tried sticking to a consistent bedtime routine?

MummaFucker:

Message deleted by Admin. Please refer to the guidelines

MummyMia:

Are you saying mums who don’t sleep train are evil baby hating scum @FordMum?

OhArrhMam:

Talking about being tired – my OH is being a right dick. He just said HE was tired. Like, hello?

FunnyMummy:

Tell me about it. My partner spends at least an hour taking a shit, like he���s fucking royalty or something.

OhArrhMam:

What I wouldn���t give to shit for a whole hour.��Oh do you think Kate Middleton gets to shit for that long?��

FunnyMummy:

She probably has a special nanny for it. A shit nanny. Do you think it is possibly to nap while��having a shit.

LoveMyKids:

I never shit. I don���t want to miss any of those precious moments with my baby.

EmilyJane:

SO what you are all saying is, I need to co-sleep and sleep train my baby while leaving her to cry for the rest of her life while drinking wine and coffee.

And that I should breastfeed with a bottle of unicorn tears while rocking her to sleep drowsy but awake? Then I should make a rod and put her to sleep while doing a�� shit at the cranial osteopaths? Perfect. Thanks ladies.

READ MORE: Which one are you?����The 7 Types of Mum You Find On Parenting Forums

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there! It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!! Also on Kindle.

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.���� You can also subscribe for more useless updates using the form below..

[jetpack_subscription_form

The post A Beginner’s Guide to Mum Forums�� appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

Tearfulness, anxiety, loss of or increased appetite, exhaustion, lack of motivation and irritability are all symptoms of sleep-deprivation.

They are also symptoms of depression.

This coupled with the fact that depression can lead to exhaustion and exhaustion can make you feel low is why��so many cases of postnatal depression go undiagnosed.

The mother often believes she is just totally and utterly shattered and that she���d be fine if she could JUST GET SOME BLOODY SLEEP!

I was that mother.

I felt awful after I had my first baby but as she woke up at least every half an hour during the night,�� I was convinced I was just really bloody tired.

I was bound to feel low, living on so little sleep, right?

People kept telling me I just ���needed a good night���s rest���, but the thing was, even after I had managed to get some rest, I still felt exhausted, anxious and depressed.

By the time I was diagnosed with postnatal depression (PND), I was really unwell and I wished I had got help sooner.

When I had my second baby, I was sleep-deprived but fortunately, I did not have PND.

With two daughters under two I��was still exhausted, anxious and depressed but it wasn���t as all-consuming and I could see beyond it. I didn���t feel so hopeless.

Although some traits of PND and sleep-deprivation are similar ����� my healthy mind and my unwell mind responded to those symptoms in very different ways.

Every single case of PND is very different, but this is how I could tell the difference:

PND VS SLEEP DEPRIVATION

PND: I��can���t��sleep. Even when the baby��is actually��asleep.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: The baby is asleep so I can sleep

PND: I still feel tired even when I have slept.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: I feel so much better after a good night���s sleep. My baby is not sleeping because she���s a baby and it���s what they do

PND: My baby is not sleeping at night because I am a crap mother.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: My baby isn���t sleeping at night because she is a baby and it is what they do.

PND: I am struggling with motherhood because I am a weak person.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: I am struggling with motherhood because I am really bloody knackered. But I���m only human.

PND: I can���t cope any more.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: I can���t cope until I have had coffee. Then it will be hard but I will cope. Just like I did yesterday and the day before that.

PND: I hate myself.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: I hate being sleep-deprived.

PND: Everything is shit and it will be forever.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: Sleep-deprivation is shit, but it will pass.

PND: I am a failure.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: I am exhausted. Motherhood is tough. Newborns are hard work.

It���s possible you���ve had stitches in your lady bits, you have piles and you haven���t slept. Plus, there���s those raging hormones to deal with.

So it is inevitable you will not be happy all of the time.

But this doesn���t mean you are NOT happy to have a beautiful baby. It means you are human and humans do get tired, stressed and overwhelmed. It is completely normal.

However, if it does NOT pass, if you are sleeping yet still feel rubbish, if you constantly feel hopeless, low, numb or fearful for the future then talk to your GP or health visitor.

THE BOOK:�� There is also a whole chapter on this in my book Sleep is for the Weak: How To survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The Fzzk To sleep. Hardback�� copy on Amazon��right now!

 

The post Sleep-Deprivation VS PND: Depressed or tired? appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.