Tina Hallis's Blog

I often think of positivity as smiling, staying calm, and keeping the peace. But I’m learning how sometimes, the most positive thing I can do isn’t quiet or gentle — it’s speaking up.

Suppose someone is using hateful language or voicing harmful ideas. Should positivity mean I ignore it? Should kindness mean I stay silent?

Here’s what I’ve learned — positivity isn’t about pretending everything is fine or accepting that it’s just the way someone is. Real positivity is about creating environments where people are safe, respected, and valued. And that sometimes requires courage.

When strong negative language is spoken — whether it’s toxic words in a meeting, bullying in the workplace, or even hateful words spoken by family or friends — kindness looks like setting boundaries. It means saying, “That’s not okay.” Staying silent isn’t neutral; it whispers that you agree and allows negativity to grow.

But here’s the good news I’ve found so helpful: We can speak up without adding more hate. We can take a stand with clarity, confidence, and firmness — and still choose compassion. This can be challenging in the moment if you feel triggered, so taking a breath and pausing before opening our mouths can be key!!

Think of it this way: positivity isn’t about avoiding conflict, it’s about addressing it in a way that restores dignity and balance. Sometimes that’s a smile and encouragement. Other times, it’s a strong boundary spoken with love. Both are acts of kindness.

So the next time you find yourself in a situation where someone crosses the line, remember — positivity isn’t passive. It’s active. It’s brave. And sometimes the kindest choice you can make is to speak up.

What situations in your life right now might call for a boundary spoken with kindness?

A few months ago, my girlfriends invited me on a fun adventure—dinner and a movie. Girls’ night out! I was so excited. I could already picture myself laughing, relaxing, and enjoying the evening.

But then Kelly showed up.

“Tina,” she said with that tone. “You’re just going to leave? What about your work? What about your family? Have you forgotten your responsibilities?”

And she didn’t stop there.

“You have so much to do! Emails and paperwor are piling up like laundry. Speaking of laundry—do you think it’s going to fold itself while you’re off having fun?”

By the time she was done, I felt guilty for even considering one night of fun.

Here’s the thing: Kelly isn’t a colleague or a friend. She isn’t even real. She’s a voice in my head. “Kelly the Caretaker” is one of my parts I’ve been getting to know through a powerful model called Internal Family Systems, or IFS.

Do you have a Kelly, too? Maybe you’ve even said, there’s a part of me that wants to take time for fun, and there’s another part that says I have too much to do. Or maybe yours sounds more like a worrier, a pleaser, or an inner critic. Maybe you’ve noticed that when a part gets triggered, it can be so loud it drowns out everything else.

Here’s the catch: these parts don’t just mess with our mood. They affect our biology. Chronic stress, constant self-criticism, unresolved conflict—all of these can dysregulate our nervous system, suppress immunity, increase inflammation, and even influence gene expression. All the things we do for our health with diet, sleep, movement, and detox can be undermined by our own minds.

IFS offers a different path. Instead of fighting or silencing these parts, we learn to “unblend”—to notice, that’s my anxious part talking, and then step into our calm, compassionate, wise Self. From there, we can listen with curiosity and even gratitude. Because these parts aren’t enemies. They’re protectors. But they were never meant to run the show.

And when they feel heard, they relax. Stress unwinds. Our biology follows.

That night, my True Self heard Kelly, thanked her for caring, and still sent me out for dinner and a movie. And yes—the laundry waited.

So if you are working to stay healthy or heal from a chronic condition, don’t just focus on food, hydration, and supplements. Those matter. But so do the voices inside. Because when we create inner harmony, we create the conditions where real healing and prevention become possible.

What part is talking to you right now? What does it want you to know?

The first time (and only time) I went white-water rafting, I remember gripping the paddle so tightly my knuckles turned white. The rapids looked wild, the rocks menacing. (I’m the one in the pink jacket, a look of terror on my face.) My instinct was to fight—to dig in harder, steer harder, control the water. But no matter how fiercely I paddled, the river had the final say. AND, the river knew the way.

Life as a River

What if we thought of life the same way?

Sometimes it’s calm and gentle, smooth as glass. Other times, it surges forward, tossing us into rapids we didn’t ask for. There are calm pools, unexpected bends, and the occasional rock that seems to appear out of nowhere.

When we resist—when we fight against what’s happening—it can feel exhausting! Struggling doesn’t change the river’s course; it only makes the ride harder.

Flowing Instead of Fighting

But what if we could practice floating with the current? I find that things shift. Life feels easier, lighter. The current carries me forward, sometimes even to places and opportunities I never could have planned.

And when I follow my enthusiasm or curiosity (aligning with the current), taking action feels less forced or heavy. It feels natural, energizing—even joyful.

Trusting the Raft

Ready to take this idea to the next level? What if we trusted the current, we trusted that the “world is out to do me good.” It might feel like we’re navigating the river in a sturdy rubber raft. Even when the river gets rough, the raft holds us, protects us, and bounces us off the rocks. We’re still moving forward, still safe, even when the ride feels turbulent.

A Gentle Reflection

This analogy resonates with me and helps me rethink my perspective and how I can shift my thinking. If it resonates with you, consider –

Where are you fighting against the current right now?What would it feel like to relax and float instead?Can you trust that the river knows where it’s taking you?

The river is always moving. The question is—will we resist, or will we flow?

Have you ever been driving down the road on a beautiful sunny day, taking in the scenery, when suddenly—splat!—a bug smashes right into your windshield? Or maybe several bugs?

It’s gross, it’s distracting, and if you stare at it too long, everything else—the rolling hills, the blue sky, even the road ahead—starts to blur. That tiny spot (or spots) takes over your whole field of vision.

It occurred to me that life works the same way.

When we focus all our attention on that frustrating situation, that annoying habit of a coworker, or the stressful part of our day, it’s like staring at bug guts on the windshield. The more we zoom in on it, the more it blocks everything else—the supportive teammates, the opportunities in front of us, the things that are actually going well.

The truth is, the “bugs” aren’t going away. They’re part of driving … and part of life. But we do get to choose where we place our attention. We can either keep obsessing about the splatter or shift our gaze back to the bigger view—the people and moments that bring us joy, gratitude, and energy.

So next time something irritating shows up in your day, ask yourself: Am I staring at the bug, or am I looking at the road ahead?

Because when we stop giving the splatter all the power, the journey becomes a lot more beautiful—and a lot easier to navigate.

Most of us already know how increasing our positivity can boost our mood, improve our relationships, and help us navigate tough times with a bit more grace. But here’s something we don’t often talk about: positivity, when misunderstood or misused, can actually become a trap.

Have you ever caught yourself judging someone because they seem negative, dramatic, or “too much”? Maybe you think, “Why can’t they just focus on the bright side like I do?” I know I have! It can feel like we’ve somehow leveled up because we’ve trained ourselves to focus on gratitude or silver linings. But I’ve come to realize that part of real emotional growth includes more compassion for, patience with, and acceptance of others.

I’m an avoider, so I remind myself that positivity isn’t about ignoring uncomfortable feelings—ours or others’. In fact, when we use positive thinking to avoid hard emotions like sadness, anger, or fear, we’re not being stronger or wiser. We’re often just pushing down parts of ourselves that need care and attention. And those suppressed feelings? They don’t disappear. Have you noticed how they find other ways to surface—maybe as irritability, stress, physical symptoms, or burnout?

True positivity includes making room for the full human experience, even when it’s hard. It means recognizing that other people’s “negativity” might just be pain with a voice—or a need that hasn’t been met. Instead of judging, we can get curious. Instead of fixing, we can listen.

And yes, we still get to set boundaries. We can be kind and clear. Compassionate and firm. We don’t need to absorb everyone’s pain to be supportive. But I’m also reminding myself that I don’t need to put up walls just because someone’s emotions make me uncomfortable.

So the next time you feel tempted to “just stay positive,” pause. Ask yourself: Is there something here I need to feel first? Sometimes, the most positive thing we can do is to sit with what’s real—and love ourselves (and others) through it.

Joe.

Good-natured, smiles in the hallway—and yet in our team meetings, he became someone else. He challenged every idea I presented. Every. Single. Time.

He was the boss of several people on my project team who were in manufacturing. So his voice carried weight. And his interruptions? They weren’t just annoying. They made me look like I didn’t know what I was doing.

I started dreading our meetings. If I saw his name on the invite list, my shoulders would tense. I’d rehearse what I would say, triple-check my slides, prepare for battle. Because that’s how it felt: like a battle.

He always seemed so nice outside the meetings. But inside? It felt personal. Like he had it out for me.

I decided to confront him.

I scheduled a one-on-one meeting. A small conference room, just the two of us. My heart was pounding as I shut the door. I didn’t know how he would react, but I knew I had to ask.

“Joe,” I began, trying to steady my voice, “It seems like you always challenge me—my plans, my ideas—in front of the team. I have to ask… do you not like me? Did I do something wrong? Do you think I’m not capable?”

He blinked, stunned. The room was silent. Then he leaned back and said something I didn’t expect at all:

“I’m just trying to help. I care about my people. I want to make sure their voices are heard. I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought I was being supportive.”

And in that moment, everything shifted.

All that time, I thought Joe was my enemy. But really, he was just trying—awkwardly—to be an ally.

He wasn’t trying to sabotage me. He was protecting his people.

But I’d built an entire narrative about being under attack.

That meeting didn’t just help clear the air. It gave me a new lens. One rooted in curiosity, not judgment. But how often do we push past our assumptions and directly ask what the other person is thinking? Of course, sometimes our assumptions are accurate, but we often don’t really know. And often, we assume the worst.

Is there someone in your work or life you need to approach with curiosity instead of judgment?

Let’s be honest—we all want to feel seen, appreciated, and loved.

Sometimes it’s the praise we never got.

Or the hug we needed but didn’t receive.

Or those kind, supportive words we hoped someone would say… but didn’t.

Here’s a powerful shift that might just change everything: What you’ve been waiting for from others… might actually be yours to give.

That encouragement you long for?

That proud smile?

That gentle voice that says, “You’re doing great.”

You don’t have to wait for someone else to give it to you first. You can give it to yourself—whenever you want.

By tuning in and listening to what your inner parts are needing, and drawing from the calm wisdom of your inner Sage, you begin to fill those old empty spaces. And when you do, something beautiful happens:

Your relationships shift.

You’re no longer chasing validation—you’re living in self-love.

You’re not waiting for love, attention, or appreciation—you’ve already got it within you.

As Matt Kahn reminds us in Whatever Arises, Love That: “It’s not about waiting for the right person to show up. It’s about being the one who shows up for you.”

The next time you catch yourself wishing someone would appreciate or validate you, pause and ask: “What do I most need to hear right now?” Then say it to yourself—from the heart. Feel it and let it soak in! You don’t have to be your hardest critic. You can be your biggest fan and supporter.

You might be surprised how healing it feels to finally give yourself what you’ve always deserved.

 

We can all probably agree that our brains are incredibly complex and powerful. So, for a moment, visualize your brain as a state-of-the-art supercomputer — we’re talking NASA-grade, high-speed, multidimensional thinking power.

Now imagine that on this amazing supercomputer… you’re running a basic weather app. And not just any weather app — one that constantly predicts storms, catastrophes, and worst-case scenarios.

That’s what happens when you get stuck in worry, rumination, and overthinking. You’re using the most powerful tool you have — not to envision, create, or lead — but to replay loops of fear, doubt, and what-ifs.

Your Brain Was Built for More Than Survival

Sure, your brain has a built-in survival system — the part that scans for danger, anticipates problems, and tries to keep you safe. It’s brilliant at what it does… but it wasn’t meant to be in charge and run the whole show.

Your brain is capable of and meant for so much more! It has the power to generate creativity, insight, imagination, and anticipation. It’s what helps you dream of a better life, find solutions, and connect the dots between past experiences and future possibilities. It can help you navigate uncertainty with creativity, intuition, and brilliance.

But when we stay in survival mode — especially under chronic stress or fear — so much of that power and potential is lost. And our powerful supercomputer can spend too much time looping through the storms and bad weather.

What If You Broke the Loop?

A primary goal of my positivity tips is to help you break the loop and see beyond your survival instinct, so you can use your thoughts to make your life better.

You can start asking new questions like:

What else might be possible?What if this challenge is here to teach me something?What would I focus on if I trusted things were unfolding for me?

So today, take a breath. Pause. Ask yourself:

“Is this the highest use of my brain right now?”

And if not — choose again.

It’s time to put your supercomputer to better use.

Ever get irritated when someone tells you something you already know — even when they’re being nice about it?

I do. Even the kindest reminder can trigger that little voice in my head saying, “Do they think I’m clueless? Are they underestimating me?” It doesn’t take much for me to feel defensive or even snippy in response.

It’s even worse if I sense they’re talking down to me, or subtly judging. That’s when I know my status feels threatened — and according to the SCARF model (a neuroscience framework about how we react to perceived threats), a challenge to our “Status” can activate the same part of the brain that lights up when we’re physically threatened. So it makes sense that a harmless comment might set off a surprisingly strong internal reaction.

What I’ve learned from Internal Family Systems (IFS) has helped me understand this better. When I get triggered, it’s not my “true self” snapping — it’s a younger, protective part of me stepping in, saying: “I already know this! I don’t need to be told!”

Now, I try to pause and check in. I ask:

What part of me is reacting right now?What does this part need — to feel respected, seen, in control?Is this person trying to help me, connect with me, or control me?

Instead of reacting, I might say something like:

“Thanks — I’ve actually been thinking about that a lot already.”“I appreciate the reminder — I’m already on that, but good to hear it again.”

Try reflecting: Have you ever been triggered by someone telling you something you already knew? What part of you was being activated in that moment — and what might it have needed instead?

The next time it happens, you’ll be ready — not just to respond better, but to learn something about yourself, too.

Lately, I’ve been completely fascinated by Internal Family Systems (IFS), a powerful approach developed by Richard Schwartz in the 1980s. The idea is that we all have an inner family of “parts”—different aspects of ourselves with unique roles, preferences, and strategies for keeping us safe. I like to think of them as personas of our survival instinct.

For example, I have a part that craves control and resists chaos and change. Another part prefers to stay calm and suppress emotions to maintain professionalism. One part is highly skeptical and needs solid proof before believing anything, while another is incredibly trusting and open to new perspectives. Sometimes these parts work in harmony, but other times, they clash—triggered, arguing, or even outright fighting with each other. Sound familiar? It reminds me of the “saboteurs” we’ve talked about before.

Some parts even get frustrated with others—like the one that wishes my worrying part would just stop or the one that wants my serious part to lighten up and have fun.

At the core of all these parts is my true self—what Positive Intelligence calls the Sage. This self is always calm, patient, and wise. It sees beyond the noise and knows the best path forward.

In IFS, our true selves do not judge, dismiss, or fight against our parts but have great compassion for them. Our true selves welcome and appreciate all of our parts and how hard they work to protect us.

This is a life-changing idea for me! Instead of pushing away these parts I want to change, I can embrace them and ask what they are trying to tell me. I can listen like they are my board of directors. But ultimately, my Sage self will lead the way from a place of courage, confidence, and compassion.

This week, see if you can notice a part that is triggered, and then see if you can settle into your true self and welcome it, sit with it, and appreciate how it is trying to help you. Maybe even ask what it would like to tell you.