Louise Tribble's Blog

British stuff 

The Life of an MP – Jess Phillips this book was great for opening the door and allowing the unpolitical to see backstage into political life in the UK. I came away with confirmation that the system is completely outdated and ridiculous and an understanding of why nothing changes. She gives us a ‘day in the life’ insight but also tells us how private member bills are done through a ‘lottery’ system (bananas!), and talks about party politics and the UN. But, it was entertaining along the way, especially stories of working abroad…

Mental & physical health 

The Way Out – Alan Gordon I read this book after finding Alan’s instagram account and I cannot recommend it enough to anyone who suffers with any kind of chronic pain, anxiety or depression. His theory is that chronic pain etc. is like a faulty switch that is stuck on, and his work is to help people switch it off using somatic tracking and has used functional MRI to give scientific evidence that it works. I have used the technique myself on endometriosis (sciatic pain) and anxiety and depression and I truly believe it works.

Reinventing Your Life – Young & Klosko this book is good for anyone who has been through severe trauma and struggles especially with things like rejection, insecurity and poor self-confidence. They provide easy questionnaires so that you are able to see what is impacting you and then give very clear steps in how to overcome what they call ‘lifetraps‘ such as abandonment, mistrust and abuse, emotional deprivation, social exclusion, dependence, vulnerability, worthlessness, failure, subjugation, unrelenting standards and entitlement.

Simply Anxious – Lisa Towers I came across Lisa on Instagram where she is a keen advocate for those who suffer with anxiety. Her book shows her journey through anxiety and her recovery. Inspiration comes from Dr Claire Weekes work whom’s book you will find further down this list.

The Art of Living – Thich Nhat Hanh a really lovely book for anyone who is interested in Buddhism, meditation, happiness and peace.

The Wisdom of Anxiety – Sheryl Paul I will be honest, the first time I read this I felt it was a bit too spiritual for me, I don’t think I even finished it. But a year later I went back to it and I found it profoundly helpful and comforting, and it is a book I will definitely return to again.

The Happiness Trap – Russ Harris I can’t even begin to say how much this book has helped me. It’s importance in my recovery can not be overstated. ACT – Acceptance Commitment Therapy turned out to be the answer all along. CBT never really worked for me, and THIS was exactly what I needed. I feel like everyone would benefit from this book.

The Confidence Gap – Russ Harris I enjoyed the Happiness Trap so much I bought this one too, and it was just as great. Honestly, most of the same techniques apply but I was happy to have further reinforcement of them and why they work. It is thanks to this book that I managed to volunteer to present at a seminar this year, something I never thought would happen.

The Comfort Book – Matt Haig A nice book to provide comfort.

At Last a Life – Paul David This book is a MUST for anyone with anxiety. Paul inspired me to live life. Using his own experience of recovery he helps others too. For an insight into his wisdom you can have a look at his website.

At Last a Life and Beyond – Paul David A sequel to the last book. I read both books many times in the beginning of my recovery.

Self-help for your Nerves – Claire Weekes This book is old, and some parts are out of date such as medication and discussion of shock therapy and I’ll be honest that part I found anxiety inducing, but the rest of it is beyond helpful. This book finally got me out of my week long anxiety attack and I will ALWAYS be grateful to Dr Claire Weekes for that! She provides reassurance that feels like a warm hug and confidence that I’ll never return to that place again.

Handbook for Hard Times – Gelong Thubten I finished this book so quickly because I could not put it down. The book was released just when I needed it most. It is all about how meditation can be used to get us through the hardest of times. Using his own experience and his incredible knowledge Thubten talks about acceptance, compassion and forgiveness, but also sickness and emotions. This book gave me the confidence to believe that I can train myself to be able to handle what life throws at me.

Non-fiction

Zero Waste Life – Megean Weldon What it says on the tin really. Tips on Zero Waste.

Minimal – Madeleine Olivia A gorgeous book about how to live a minimal life.

Digital Minimalism – Cal Newport a really interesting book about technologies role in our lives and how to live a digital minimal life.

The Call of the Weird – Louis Theroux Everything Louis Theroux does is interesting. I loved this book where he goes back to visit people I recognised from his early documentaries.

Colonialism and Neocolonialism – Sartre thought provoking and relevant

How to stay sane in an age of division – Elif Shafak a short book worth reading if you are someone like me who gets caught up in the injustices around us

Autobiography

The Audacity – Katherine Ryan a really entertaining book, if you like her comedy you will enjoy it

Spare – Prince Harry despite not being into the monarchy at all, I do have a soft spot for Prince Harry and I read this book in a day!

Feminist

Men who hate women – Laura Bates honestly this book took me aaaages to read. I had to keep taking breaks because frankly it’s depressing. But nonetheless, a very important read and something we should all know about.

Fiction

How do you like me now? – Holly Bourne I always enjoy Holly’s books and this was no exception.

The Book Thief – Markus Zuzak I know I’m behind on the times with this book but wow, this book is so incredibly written and so important for looking through the lens of others. Set in WW2 we see the journey of a German evacuee. The book is narrated by death.

Thin Air – Michelle Paver an incredible ghost story, written so well and so well researched that it feels like a true account.

1984 – George Orwell of course, a classic. What honestly scared me though were the parallels to today.

The old man and the sea – Ernest Hemingway I picked up this book because it was short and I was told it was good for improving your English. I didn’t expect to enjoy it – at all. I was surprised to find that I read it in one sitting and did indeed actually enjoy it.

Medusa – Jessie Burton a retake from Medusa’s perspective. Beautifully written.

My Grandmothers asked me to tell you she is sorry – Fredrik Backman I don’t even know how to describe this book, but it is just so well written and bizarre, I loved it.

Flesh Bone Water – Luiza Sauma this has to be one of the weirdest books I’ve ever read. It is a story of a man looking back at his childhood in Brazil. It was interesting in terms of looking at race and class though.

Cackle – Rachel Harrison honestly I just found the relationships in this book so toxic and none of the characters were likeable, I’m surprised I got to the end of it.

Around the world in 80 days – Jules Verne – another classic, I only read it because it was short to be honest, but I did enjoy it in the end! I enjoyed the thrill of whether he would make the journey, and I’ve somehow managed to never see the film.

Unfortunately the government decided that museums should no longer be free, restricting culture and history to those who can afford it. To make life easier I’ve put together a list of museums with their new costs and any tips I can think of. Not taking any responsibility for mistakes so make sure you check the websites

means I’m pretty sure it used to be free! If I’ve been I’ll rate it out of 3.

Free Accelerator

Art gallery

Website Forum för levande historia

See history with new eyes

Website Litografiska Museet

The Museum of Lithography is a combined museum and workshop specialized in stone printing

Website Medeltidsmuseet

Medieval museum

One of my favourites, it’s small but really well done Website Riksidrottsmuseum

Sports museum

Website Sveriges Museum om förintelsen

Swedish holocaust museum

Free 2023Doesn’t open until summer Website Stadsmuseet

Museum about Stockholm

Really nice museum, quite new, the cafe has really good handmade traditional food.If you take a child, there’s a map game where you can find animals, it should get them more interested. Website Free sometimes…Judiska Museet

Jewish museum in the oldest synagogue in Sweden

Free on Saturday between 11-12 Otherwise 100krWebsite Naturhistoriska riksmuseet

Natural history museum

Free on 8 Sundays in 2023 Otherwise 140kr/100kr students Amazing museum, everything from dinosaurs to animals to the human body. Awesome for kids, sensory garden in the summer. Really nice food in the cafe. Website Museum year card for 140kr includes Östasiatiska Museet

East Asian museum

150kr On a cute islandWebsite Medelhavsmuseet

Mediterranean museum

150krA really beautiful museum with a nice cafe Website Etnografiska Museet

Ethnography museum

150kr Cool exhibition about climate if it’s still there Website Museum card 450kr includes Historiska Museet

History Museum

150kr Vikings, an awesome walk through of Swedish history and a lovely cafe with gorgeous food. Website Hallwylska museet

120kr Quite a cool place it’s kind of like a stately home in the middle of apartment blocks Website Ekonomiska museet

Economic history

Unbelievably this is shut for 2023 so I’ve paid for a museum I can’t even go to. Also it’s in the history museum so I’m not sure you’d even have to pay for that separately anyway. Website Livrustkammaren

Royal history

150kr. Free admission on Thursdays (during the period September – April).Website Swedish Holocaust Museum Free 2023 Doesn’t open until summer Website

Another two museums are included, the Tumba Paper Mill Museum which is free for 2023 anyway and Skokloster Castle which is also free. Don’t even get me started on how annoyed I was to find out that they advertise admission to 7 museums, most of which are free anyway and some even closed!

Never free…Avicii experience

Price varies depending on time ~ 200kr My favourite museum, it was so moving and incredibleWebsite ABBA the museum

Price varies depending on time ~ 200kr Worth the money if you’re a huge ABBA fanWebsite Armémuseum

Army museum

140kr/95kr student Super interesting considering Swedens lack of conflict/participation in WW1&2Website Fjärilshuset Haga Ocean

Butterfly house and aquarium

240krIn a beautiful park Website Fotografiska

Photography museum

170-190kr Cafe/bar with gorgeous viewsCheck which exhibit is on Website Junibacken

Kids museum for lovers of Pippi, Moomin, Alfons and all the other Swedish faves

195-225krQuirky resteraunt Website National museum

Art, design and sculpture

150kr Website Sjöhistoriska

Maritime museum

100kr Website Nordiska Museet

Nordic History Museum

150krIncredible architecture Check what exhibition is onWebsite Skansen

Open air museum and zoo

245krThe year pass is 395kr for 1 adults and child and it’s so worth it, we go so often and it means you don’t have to fit seeing it all into one day. Website

There are many more, and I will eventually add them..

I can’t even begin to rank these because they’re so different in many ways so I’m going to try and categorise them so you can read what you’re interested in!

British stuff

Sunburn – James Felton a really interesting and funny read on how much damage the sun newspaper has done in its time! Shocking, unbelievable and mind boggling…

52 times Britain was a bellend – James Felton actually barely knew any of this history which clearly got lost in the curriculum at school, I wonder why?

Appeasing Hitler – Tim Bouverie another history lesson I missed at school! Its all in the title, and I had no idea of Britains part in this!

Natives – Akala an incredibly important read about race and culture in the UK and the history of empire. I wish I’d read it sooner. Again, I learnt more about UK history in the first few pages than I ever did in school. This ‘Empire’ I was told to love, turns out its not so great huh?

Go big – Ed Miliband I love him and wish he was prime minister and that’s all I need to say. He literally understands what we need to do for the planet and society.

Mental & physical health

Head first – Alistair Santhouse very interesting for anyone into psychology, anyone living with a chronic illness or mental illness (or who cares about someone who does).

The Dr will see you now – Dr Amir Khan a really brilliant, insightful, funny and informative book about being a GP in the NHS from a doctor who really cares. It will leave you wishing he was your doctor though.

A monks guide to happiness – Gelong Thubten this is a book I keep going back to, because it really does help me. Thubten uses personal experience to illustrate his own journey through meditation.

The Art of Happiness – Dalai Lama & Howard C Cutler I learnt a lot about conditioning, happiness, suffering, self-created suffering, guilt, pain, anger, anxiety and self esteem.

Unwell women – Eleanor Cleghorn a brilliant book about the history of womens medicine, from Ancient Greece to the present. Incredibly interesting.

Anger – Thich Nhat Hanh from consuming anger to compassion and mindfulness. A really insightful and introspective book.

Finding peace – Lama Yeshe Losal Rinpoche a wonderful book which I found healing in many ways. Through meditation, mindfulness, compassion and forgiveness, I think most importantly though for me impermanence.

Non-fiction

Human kind – Rutger Bergman I loved this book so much, it changed my view of people so much; all we see in the news is the bad things, but good, kind people outnumber the bad. We are inherently good.

The only plane in the sky – Garrett Graff what a read. An immersive glimpse into what 9/11 was like for people all over the US and in the sky.

I’m still here black dignity in a world made for whiteness – Austin Channing Brown a really important read.

Incredible journeys (non-fiction)

From a mountain in Tibet – Lama Yeshe Losal Rinpoche honestly I’m finding it hard to describe this book because I’m lost for words; at some points it’s a hard read, because you know it’s a true, real story, and the difficulties faced are heart wrenching. But what an absolutely incredible story.

The Sheep Stell – Janet White I picked this for the cover and my love of sheep; when I started reading it I had my doubts; it really was a book about a shepherdess, I thought, how exciting could this be? Well actually, very. And knowing it was a true story too, and this incredible woman lived this life at such a time, was amazing. What an absolute inspiration. I really enjoyed living my life vicariously through her and sharing her adventures.

Incredible Journeys (fictional)

All the light we cannot see – Anthony Doerr this is one of those books I wish I could read again from scratch. A story that runs parallel following two protagonists during the progression of the war: a German orphan and a blind French girl. It’s so well written and immersive, I couldn’t put it down.

The beekeeper of Aleppo – Christy Lefteri a heartbreaking, haunting read. Really well written and leaves a huge impact. Brings deeper understanding of what refugees go through and a book I wish some unsympathetic people would read.

The Long Song – Andrea Levy a really interestingly written book, the story follows a woman asked to write a memoir by her son, to describe her life on a sugarcane plantation in Jamaica during 19th century.

Feminist

Girls on the verge – Sharon Biggs Waller a heartbreaking story follows an American girl in need of an abortion and her difficult journey to find help. A difficult read following the recent end of Roe vs Wade.

Women don’t owe you pretty – Florence Given a really empowering read.

Fiction

Anne of Green Gables – L. M. Montgomery written in 1908, about an orphan with a quirky personality. I’m in love with Anne, and living in her world.

Northanger Abbey – Jane Austin as a lover of Bridgerton I did enjoy this, but I don’t think I’d read this kind of book all the time.

The yearbook – Holly Bourne I love all of her books, and this one was no different. Always relatable.

The bookshop on the corner – Jenny Colgan I’m not so into the romance books anymore, as a teen it was all I read. But I did really enjoy how this was written and ended up buying more of her books.

There is no dog – Jess Rosoff this has to be one of the weirdest books I’ve read, but originality is great. God is a teenage boy, I think that’s all I need to say.

Crooked heart – Lissa Evans it’s so weird that I like this book, because the protagonists are awful. Set during ww2, about an evacuee. But it’s just really good and so well written.

The haunting season – some really good stories, some pretty creepy ones! I was sad that I got to the end of the book.

Anxious people – Fredrik Backman I LOVE this book, so much so I refuse to watch the new tv series, just in case they spoil it.

Tuck Everlasting – Natalie Babbitt what a wonderful tale, I read it in one sitting, it was brilliant.

The last letter from your lover – Jojo Moyes wow, what an incredibly cleverly written book, it follows two women and their tales of love and loss, a journalist exploring letters found from 40 years ago written between lovers. Was pretty much impossible not to cry.

The Bear and the Nightingale triology – Katherine Arden my favourite books. Full of Russian mythology. Absolutely in love with them.

This might seem like a lot of books but I’ve actually read 60 so I only picked out the best haha!

Merry Christmas! Louise x

New Years resolutions have always been something I would look forward to. A new year, a new start, a new me. I loved the excitement that I could possibly be a better person. But, it never lasted however great my intentions were. So the past few years I chose a bucket list instead (like this one in 2019). Even ended up in a magazine talking about it (). Turns out this didn’t work so well either. For 2022 I tried a mix of the two…

Boundaries

No social media

Read

Go outdoors

Welsh

Swedish

Mindfulness

Write letters

Finish quilt

Make a dress

I’ve managed to keep some boundaries in place, but still find it really hard to stick up for myself

Ha, I went a few months without social media and it was so good for me, but now I’m stuck on instagram again

I’ve read 60 books so far this year, pretty happy with that.

Well….. I’ve been on like 4 walks so I’d say this one’s a big no.

I’ve started speaking Welsh a lot more at home and on social media

Still haven’t done a proper course but my vocabulary is definitely growing and I can actually attempt to converse now!

My mindfulness practice is disappointingly irregular, I’ve definitely let my thoughts run wild… I did do an 8 week course but life quickly took over again

I don’t even remember writing any… I had such good intentions and time just disappeared.

I think I added 2 rows, and then completely abandoned it again… I’ll finish it one day!

Well, I bought the material, does that count?

I’m not even sure what to do this year, is there even a point? I guess it’s good to have goals, ambitions, dreams, but what about the feelings of failure that come when you don’t manage them?

I’m thinking perhaps some general intentions, with no specific ‘requirements’ or measurements of completion might work? For example…

I intend to be kind to myself and develop my self compassion.

I intend to spend time in nature.

I intend to look after my health and seek help when needed.

I intend to enjoy time with friends.

I intend to be there for others and carry on my work to erase stigma surrounding mental illness and disability.

I intend to balance my moral consciousness and need to fight injustice with the need to look after my mental health.

I intend to feel able and safe to be my authentic self.

Let’s see how it goes. I wish you a great 2023.

Love Louise.

My old medication zombified me, I was on it for ~ 10 years and although it helped the extreme anxiety and depression by dampening feelings, it also meant that happiness and joy were dampened too.

There comes a huge pressure along with not being able to laugh so easily. Sometimes it would come naturally, other times I would think “this is funny, I should be laughing” but nothing would come out; I would attempt an awkward ‘ha’ and I would spend the rest of the day and night worrying that I had probably offended that person by not laughing enough.

I didn’t really cry so much, unless I was really unwell. Sadness just felt like emptiness, grief, heartbreak. And I would dissociate.

I changed to another medication this year, because I finally have a doctor who really listens and genuinely cares about trying to improve my life. I didn’t really want to change. I thought, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it; but I really trust him and the thought of it helping my nerve pain was worth a try.

Well, I hated this new stuff. I actually feel things. I cry ALL the time. I feel deep pain, sadness and grief, but I also feel happiness. In the beginning, the happiness wasn’t worth it. And it’s still hard, I feel it so strongly that I often cry when people show kindness.

But I’m finally realising that this pain is a blessing and it is a way for me to finally learn to sit with my feelings, and to stop being afraid of them.

So, I’m sorry for all the tears, but they’re not all so bad.

My stomach is swollen and scolded red,

They still think the pain is all in my head.

No hot water bottle is hot enough,

And now my skin is way too tough.

The scars staring back at me always say,

‘There’s nothing we can do, so go away.’.

The doctors gave up so I should too,

What else could I possibly do.

My pelvis feels like it’s been crushed with an axe,

It can’t be fixed with just heat or ice packs.

It feels like I’ve been stabbed up through my cervix,

And my ovaries have been filled with heavy bricks.

Twisting and pinching from the inside,

There is absolutely no where to run and hide.

My whole body aches and I’m so tired too,

I’d love to say this only happens to a few.

Women are suffering every single day,

Because healthcare was designed to keep us at bay.

I’m so incredibly lucky to have been able to have over 3 years with my therapist. He has been there for probably one of the most transformative times in my life and has had such a huge impact on who I am today.

I decided to leave therapy because I needed to try and live in the present without constantly bringing up the past. It was quite naïve of me to think that that would be possible. My therapist had become a comfort blanket and I always found myself “waiting” for the next week. I felt like it was time to finally stand on my own two feet without needing to rely on him to dig me out of whatever emotional black hole I had descended into.

I am cheating a little because I still have my CBT therapist, although she has to finish her work with me soon. I’m really scared, to finally be on my own. It is different, with my psychotherapist I knew that I could always phone him if I needed help (although I never did). With my psychologist it is not the same.

I spent about 23 years managing my mental illness alone, (apart from the odd antidepressant prescribed by a GP), the waiting lists in the UK were so long, no doctors ever bothered to put me on them. I did pay for private therapy but as I was not working the guilt of using my husbands money to pay for it was too much and I stopped. I could not believe that after landing in Sweden I was given this help just like that, I kept trying to end the therapy because I felt so guilty having this commodity I knew so many people desperately needed. “In the UK you get about 8 sessions and that’s it – you’re done!” I would say. I felt completely selfish and a burden to be taking up his time.

The progress I made with him was astonishing and I can’t even recognize the person I was 3 years ago, but I still have a very long way to go. I wish it was simple and fixable instead of complex and a complete mess. I don’t think I will ever be better but I’m grateful that the changes in my life we made have led to me being a better mother, a stronger person and finally being able to make my dream of teaching come true.

Something I had never really heard of until I spoke to others in the chronic illness community, was medical trauma – defined as a set of psychological and physiological responses to pain, injury, serious illness, medical procedures and frightening treatment experiences.

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Since my teens I’ve avoided medical treatment as best as I could, I couldn’t face the humiliation or apathy I usually endured. I honestly thought I was just too sensitive and that it was normal, other people just coped with it better than I did.

Since a young teen I went to the doctors with severe abdominal pain. Usually around my appendix. Always to be told I was just a “worrier”, it was just IBS and that I should try to relax.

I went about painful periods, was put on the pill and that was that. I mentioned my concern over my irregularity and something not being right, I was told to stop worrying about it.

As an older teen I went to the doctor about something – I can’t even remember what, but I asked him a question about the pill and he said he could only help me with one thing, I started crying – it wasn’t easy for me to get an appointment or be taken there and I felt embarrassed. He asked in a panic, it felt completely from nowhere “do you hurt yourself? are you suicidal?” I left the room in a rush, completely dazed, tears running down my cheeks. I avoided the doctors for a long time.

A few years later I was back to ask about my periods and fertility, the pain was now very prolonged throughout the month and I was worried. I was told to stop worrying and that they wouldn’t look into anything until I tried (and failed) to concieve.

I went to the doctors about depression, they tried to give me antidepressants but I was too scared. They contacted the school nurse. She sent me to the school therapist. I went once, she tried to get me (a 17 year old) to draw a picture of how I felt. She tried to get me to sign a piece of paper saying I didn’t hurt myself or ever feel suicidal. I left.

My first year in university I went to the doctors about my depression, they put me on antidepressants. I became a zombie, I cried hysterically or went completely numb. I went to the doctor and begged for help. She didn’t even look at me from her screen, she just told me I needed to keep taking it for longer.

The university offered me help – for my IBS. Taking into consideration high absence/need to leave to use the bathroom etc. but they needed a doctor letter. I went to the doctor and he refused – said he would not write me one as I just wanted the benefits.

A few years later, I go to the doctor with my usual concerns around fertility, the debilitating periods which had me blacking out and the pain during sex. This time the doctor actually listened, he turned to me, and said “you have been having pain during sex, how long? you do realize this could be cancer!” I was not prepared for his scolding and completely broke down. He told me that they could not even check me for cervical cancer because I was too young so they just had “a look” at my cervix. He took a blood test, but it was Friday and the bloods had already gone so he got me to drive it to the hospital myself.

Fertility test after fertility test… it took a long time and we were put on a waiting list for over a year. The final test before the consultant: HSG. It was incredibly painful, I tear up when I think about it, nearly 5 years later.

Luckily I got my wish – I was pregnant. It wasn’t all I had dreamed of though as I got HG, I felt nauseas 24/7. I could not stand up or walk without being sick. I could not keep down food. I managed to sip drinks, but I could not leave the house for months, the only time I left was for midwife appointments. Not one of the several midwifes I saw listened or took seriously my sickness, even when I was sick in front of them. I was told to eat a ginger biscuit. It was once, one of my last appointments before moving to Sweden the midwife noticed my dried up lips, my thinness and fatigue and told me I must go to hospital if I’m not able to keep down liquids.

I tried to stop taking my antidepressants during pregnancy, but I had a huge relapse and I needed them. I had been told they were one of the safest to take during pregnancy. My doctor tried to refuse me them and then said “you do realize the risk you are putting your baby in!” I replied that there would be no baby, or mother if I didn’t receive help.

Birth was a whole other story. I still get flashbacks and panic attacks. To sum it up: 21 days of early labour – 14 hours in active and then 5 days in hospital worrying because they said they were keeping me there because my baby was small – I found out later it was because they were worried about postnatal depression.

A year after birth, the pain is back, finally diagnosed with endometriosis, given an IUD. Pain still there. Laparoscopy – low and behold, there is an adhesion in my abdomen – in the place I have been worried about for all of these years. No endo though, so I’m told it might be microscopic, there is nothing they can do, discharged.

The pain in my legs got worse, sciatic pain the whole way down from my back, somedays I can’t walk, my knee gives way, I fall and the front of my foot stops working so I have to drag it along. I asked for crutches or something to use on days like that, and the doctor laughed in my face.

I went to the doctor about my chest pains, of course it is just my anxiety and he tells me I’m a hypochondriac. I got a recommendation for a new doctor and I can’t believe my luck, he listened, he gave suggestions and he is actually looking into my symptoms. Even if I am a hypochondriac, they get sick too.

Everything feels frivolous, pointless and bad,

I can’t stop reading the news, its making me sad.

I just cant understand why we need so much hate?

Is this really the history we must replicate?

With Covid and the climate some live in constant fear,

What we don’t need on top is this tyrants idea.

They tell you to look for the people helping in these times,

So much of the focus is on those committing crimes.

And although there is plenty of good to see,

I can’t help but question what the point can be?

It’s not useful or helpful I apologize,

But I just cant take in any more with my eyes.

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Despite living with quite terrible mental illness for years, it actually took my chronic pain to get me in to see a CBT therapist. After failing to do anything about my suspected endometriosis and with no ability to give me any other help, I was passed on to a rehab clinic which I’m super grateful for (although it did take a while to get over the fact that there was no hope left).

I got a doctor, a physiotherapist and a psychologist who worked as a team – taking a holistic view at the chronic pain and fatigue. Unfortunately for them I am not a quick fix and way more complicated than usual so I’ve now been there for way longer than I’m supposed to be and soon my time will be completely up.

I feel incredibly lucky to have had this opportunity at help and wanted to share some of the golden nuggets of wisdom I’ve learnt. Although, disclaimer, I might have got the wrong end of all the sticks so talk to your provider before you listen to me!

Panic attacks. Had them for years, debilitating, couldn’t even leave the house for years because of fear of them. Fixed. (Not forever, I do lapse when severely triggered, but wow, I went two weeks without one which felt like a complete and utter miracle). How? Sit through it, don’t try and stop it. Yes it feels like torture, it feels like you can’t breathe, it feels like your heart is going to implode and you are covered in sweat. Don’t touch your heart, don’t practice breathing, you CAN breathe, your heart will calm down, but touching it, telling yourself you need to make yourself breathe, it just gives your brain more evidence that something IS wrong and makes your anxiety worse. If you don’t react to your symptoms your body does not take it as seriously.

I have health anxiety and I constantly check my heart, it is one of my compulsions. Somehow I figure I need to check it is still beating. I used to have a Fitbit, you know, get to 10,000 steps a day and feel amazing. But it’s gone now, banished. I was told I can’t wear it anymore. Obsessed with the heart rate function. It takes A LOT of strength to not do my normal checks, and I am sad that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wear my Fitbit again but WOW my health anxiety is so much better since I stopped those two things. I’m not allowed to google symptoms either but that habit is proving harder to kick.

Go outside. Even if you are in your PJs. Yes, that is ok! That was actually one of my first “homework” tasks – to take the dogs out in my pajamas. Being chronically ill means that sometimes just getting dressed takes way too many spoons – should I miss out on fresh air and seeing my dogs enjoy themselves? No! So go out in your pajamas.

Make friends – go out for coffee, go out for food, meet up with friends. Another homework I put off for months. I know right? Not exactly punishing task, but for me it was too much. I used up all of my spoons on work or looking after my daughter and otherwise I just wanted to lie in bed. Here is the complication – a day out can be great but it takes away spoons from the next day, committing to going out for a walk or a meal or a day out is committing to more pain and fatigue in the coming days.

I’ve been completely blessed to meet such a kind, funny and understanding psychologist, the downside to this is that whenever I am reminded that our time will be up soon I completely break down. She has shown me so many things that are life changing and I know that she could help me so much more and losing her feels like losing hope. She is also just so fun and just someone I know I would get along with so well in “real life” and I just wish we were friends – it doesn’t help that whenever I think “I wish we could be friends” my brain replies “well you can’t because you’re too crazy!”. Feeling embarrassed and pathetic about how upset I was at losing her my friend said “It’s normal to be sad, imagine going for fika with someone and talking to them about the most intricate things in your life every week and all of a sudden it’s over and they never speak to you again” of course it hurts.

2 days of crying, at rock bottom, broken hearted, lost control. I wrote this, to try and pick myself up, I don’t want to let her down.