Annie Chopra's Blog: A Commentary On Society
August 24, 2020
Anxiety, Pandemic, and Courage
A blog on the anxiety and germophobia many, including myself, are currently facing due to the pandemic, and how we are gathering courage.
Yesterday I had to tell my extended family that the reason they can’t come over is me, I had to tell them about my germophobia, anxiety, and my mental health. In a conservative community where you barely even connect with your extended family, that’s a pretty big deal- see confrontation is the only thing that can provide us with peace of mind. My mum had been stressed, I had thrown a tantrum when she had gone to my cousin’s wedding over a month back, I told her it wasn’t my fault- I guess, it might have been, is mental health really anyone’s fault? Over the past few months, I have seen a lot of talk surrounding mental health, but it is mainly limited to humans (a.k.a. social animals) feeling anxious for not being amid their pack and their people. We have all probably met people desperate to go out and many who probably did. But what about us? Maybe no one really gets it, or maybe I simply feel my pain and anxiety is greater, mental health does tend to blind us towards certain aspects of life, nonetheless, if anything, quarantine showed me that anxiety can take over so quickly, and the only person you can really lean on to is yourself.
Before the virus was even discovered I already was very “picky” and “annoying” as some may describe it. I wouldn’t touch anyone who had been out and hadn’t washed their hands, I would always carry sanitizer and have a desperate need for cleaning my hands- they always felt not clean enough, while I type this, that’s a little of what I feel now; I didn’t let anyone sit on the bed with their outdoor clothes, you get the drill. But truthfully, I didn’t call myself a germophobe until Covid-19 hit the world. It’s August and the last time I recall going out this year was on New Year. I miss that sometimes. While I could say my life has changed a lot, the reality is, anxiety is still what is was month’s back, at times it’s just a little worse, or better. What many people don’t realize as they fight against “masks” is the number of people stuck at home not due to the collectively accepted term “fear-mongering” but because of our mental health and inability to focus on anything else. We don’t enjoy it, I can assure you of that. Yesterday though, while typing that message all I could think was, maybe it’s good to let people come over, get it over with, then the anxiety set in. “You haven’t achieved enough in life.” “You are not strong enough, your immune system sucks.”
Truthfully, I don’t have the worse of health, but it’s not the best either. When I was younger, I had appendicitis, I also had depression for a long time and once I stood in front of a speeding car without even realizing it, I was hit on my head and lost my memory for a whole day, I had a cough that sounded like the barking of a dog and absolutely no doctor in the 3-4 different countries I lived in knew how to get rid of it. So yes, I guess, I have my reasons to worry about my health- I am anemic, and sugar’s been making me feel weird lately. It’s not fun, because all day long someone with anxiety like mine fights off the thoughts that make them want to lay in bed and binge-watch shows to separate from reality. I do do that at times, 3 seasons in 3 days, form part of a world that’s not mine, stress about a character that’s not even real, it calms me down, at least for a little bit. But, I’d be lying if I said it was any better before; I guess, thinking about the germs was a little less common, “have I washed my hands?” “Did that package just touch the ground without being sanitized? What if I step on the part of the floor where it left its germs and get it on my foot? What if I then go and sit on a chair or touch my feet by mistake? And then my face?” It’s hard to talk about this level of anxiety with people in your life, who if you say “I want to go out at some point, maybe when the cases start decreasing…” reply with a gazillion ways to go right now, overwhelming the little courage you had, showing no appreciation for the courage it took to even get there. I am trying to take little steps now though, I can’t live my life like this- maybe I should eat something from outside? French fries? I love French Fries. I haven’t had proper ones in way too long, it’s a small step. But what if someone on the way touches a door handle and then the food directly. It’s unlikely though, but if I can’t see it, how do I even know? I think of this almost every day for a week, afraid to mention it, because I feel like I will get overwhelmed again. But, I need to, I know I do. For those who are like me, maybe my courage can push them too. Social media, yes, let’s look at social media to distract the mind.
My days have looked a little like this many times in quarantine, frightened, confused, wondering whether I will ever be able to live normally again. But what was normal anyway? Waking up early only to go to bed because you are too afraid to think about a family member going out? Not being able to concentrate on work because your left-hand hurts and that’s been associated with heart problems? But I am 21, and doctors say I am healthy. So why? Is my normal really normal? Sitting and hoping someone could know what it felt like to live in my own mind. It’s not like I haven’t gotten therapy, I have, I believe in science as much as I believe in the power of mindset. I have tried to change, but years of anxiety don’t become faded overnight. No, slow, steady, eventually I won’t have to live in my own head like this, it will get better. It has. I know it has. The pandemic made me stay at home as I am even now, block people who just didn’t feel right, no listening to the news, no- don’t say the word “virus,” don’t speak about it because it will lead to a discussion, argument, verbal fight. I once, or twice, wrote notes for those I love in case of anything, cried, multiple times, maybe too many times, about not being able to live fully. So, this was me, I guess, living with anxiety is an act of courage. But, I need to be more courageous- fries. Okay, fries.
--
I don’t know what paradise it, but I think it tastes a little like warm, crispy fries. I took the chance today, days after thinking of it- over- and- over- and- over again. The first one was scary, then it dissolved into my mouth, yes so courageous I was thinking to myself. The next one, and finally a few later it wasn’t so hard to simply enjoy the flavor. And then, it was done- the anxiety returned- no, I stopped myself from thinking too much. At times anger fills me up, we knew about the virus early enough to take action but world leaders waited till it led to lockdowns, and lockdowns were implemented too late. Sometimes, I wonder the kind of leaders we have, some who don’t wear a mask until they get it through their head that it’s a necessity and an actual precaution, others who simply seem to not care. Hence, the only person to trust is yourself, anxiety-like mine is difficult, but I know I have privilege too, must be worse for some people, but that doesn’t mean what I am feeling is not valid, whether it seems crazy to many, whether it seems insensitive and selfish to care so much. It’s okay because I am human, I am feelings, emotions, actions, realities. And today, my reality is I am a warrior, I have the courage to take steps ahead. I am thinking a walk in the open air might be the next step but it’s a little early to take it that far. Don’t feel bad for taking baby steps, it’s more than even you realize. As for people, I only have one hope- my courage may not be understood, but hopefully, it won’t be necessary to wear an armor twenty-four-seven; maybe, just maybe, people care enough about each other to sanitize, wear a mask, show empathy, and hopefully, we will be just fine.
Copyright: ANNIE CHOPRA 2020
Yesterday I had to tell my extended family that the reason they can’t come over is me, I had to tell them about my germophobia, anxiety, and my mental health. In a conservative community where you barely even connect with your extended family, that’s a pretty big deal- see confrontation is the only thing that can provide us with peace of mind. My mum had been stressed, I had thrown a tantrum when she had gone to my cousin’s wedding over a month back, I told her it wasn’t my fault- I guess, it might have been, is mental health really anyone’s fault? Over the past few months, I have seen a lot of talk surrounding mental health, but it is mainly limited to humans (a.k.a. social animals) feeling anxious for not being amid their pack and their people. We have all probably met people desperate to go out and many who probably did. But what about us? Maybe no one really gets it, or maybe I simply feel my pain and anxiety is greater, mental health does tend to blind us towards certain aspects of life, nonetheless, if anything, quarantine showed me that anxiety can take over so quickly, and the only person you can really lean on to is yourself.
Before the virus was even discovered I already was very “picky” and “annoying” as some may describe it. I wouldn’t touch anyone who had been out and hadn’t washed their hands, I would always carry sanitizer and have a desperate need for cleaning my hands- they always felt not clean enough, while I type this, that’s a little of what I feel now; I didn’t let anyone sit on the bed with their outdoor clothes, you get the drill. But truthfully, I didn’t call myself a germophobe until Covid-19 hit the world. It’s August and the last time I recall going out this year was on New Year. I miss that sometimes. While I could say my life has changed a lot, the reality is, anxiety is still what is was month’s back, at times it’s just a little worse, or better. What many people don’t realize as they fight against “masks” is the number of people stuck at home not due to the collectively accepted term “fear-mongering” but because of our mental health and inability to focus on anything else. We don’t enjoy it, I can assure you of that. Yesterday though, while typing that message all I could think was, maybe it’s good to let people come over, get it over with, then the anxiety set in. “You haven’t achieved enough in life.” “You are not strong enough, your immune system sucks.”
Truthfully, I don’t have the worse of health, but it’s not the best either. When I was younger, I had appendicitis, I also had depression for a long time and once I stood in front of a speeding car without even realizing it, I was hit on my head and lost my memory for a whole day, I had a cough that sounded like the barking of a dog and absolutely no doctor in the 3-4 different countries I lived in knew how to get rid of it. So yes, I guess, I have my reasons to worry about my health- I am anemic, and sugar’s been making me feel weird lately. It’s not fun, because all day long someone with anxiety like mine fights off the thoughts that make them want to lay in bed and binge-watch shows to separate from reality. I do do that at times, 3 seasons in 3 days, form part of a world that’s not mine, stress about a character that’s not even real, it calms me down, at least for a little bit. But, I’d be lying if I said it was any better before; I guess, thinking about the germs was a little less common, “have I washed my hands?” “Did that package just touch the ground without being sanitized? What if I step on the part of the floor where it left its germs and get it on my foot? What if I then go and sit on a chair or touch my feet by mistake? And then my face?” It’s hard to talk about this level of anxiety with people in your life, who if you say “I want to go out at some point, maybe when the cases start decreasing…” reply with a gazillion ways to go right now, overwhelming the little courage you had, showing no appreciation for the courage it took to even get there. I am trying to take little steps now though, I can’t live my life like this- maybe I should eat something from outside? French fries? I love French Fries. I haven’t had proper ones in way too long, it’s a small step. But what if someone on the way touches a door handle and then the food directly. It’s unlikely though, but if I can’t see it, how do I even know? I think of this almost every day for a week, afraid to mention it, because I feel like I will get overwhelmed again. But, I need to, I know I do. For those who are like me, maybe my courage can push them too. Social media, yes, let’s look at social media to distract the mind.
My days have looked a little like this many times in quarantine, frightened, confused, wondering whether I will ever be able to live normally again. But what was normal anyway? Waking up early only to go to bed because you are too afraid to think about a family member going out? Not being able to concentrate on work because your left-hand hurts and that’s been associated with heart problems? But I am 21, and doctors say I am healthy. So why? Is my normal really normal? Sitting and hoping someone could know what it felt like to live in my own mind. It’s not like I haven’t gotten therapy, I have, I believe in science as much as I believe in the power of mindset. I have tried to change, but years of anxiety don’t become faded overnight. No, slow, steady, eventually I won’t have to live in my own head like this, it will get better. It has. I know it has. The pandemic made me stay at home as I am even now, block people who just didn’t feel right, no listening to the news, no- don’t say the word “virus,” don’t speak about it because it will lead to a discussion, argument, verbal fight. I once, or twice, wrote notes for those I love in case of anything, cried, multiple times, maybe too many times, about not being able to live fully. So, this was me, I guess, living with anxiety is an act of courage. But, I need to be more courageous- fries. Okay, fries.
--
I don’t know what paradise it, but I think it tastes a little like warm, crispy fries. I took the chance today, days after thinking of it- over- and- over- and- over again. The first one was scary, then it dissolved into my mouth, yes so courageous I was thinking to myself. The next one, and finally a few later it wasn’t so hard to simply enjoy the flavor. And then, it was done- the anxiety returned- no, I stopped myself from thinking too much. At times anger fills me up, we knew about the virus early enough to take action but world leaders waited till it led to lockdowns, and lockdowns were implemented too late. Sometimes, I wonder the kind of leaders we have, some who don’t wear a mask until they get it through their head that it’s a necessity and an actual precaution, others who simply seem to not care. Hence, the only person to trust is yourself, anxiety-like mine is difficult, but I know I have privilege too, must be worse for some people, but that doesn’t mean what I am feeling is not valid, whether it seems crazy to many, whether it seems insensitive and selfish to care so much. It’s okay because I am human, I am feelings, emotions, actions, realities. And today, my reality is I am a warrior, I have the courage to take steps ahead. I am thinking a walk in the open air might be the next step but it’s a little early to take it that far. Don’t feel bad for taking baby steps, it’s more than even you realize. As for people, I only have one hope- my courage may not be understood, but hopefully, it won’t be necessary to wear an armor twenty-four-seven; maybe, just maybe, people care enough about each other to sanitize, wear a mask, show empathy, and hopefully, we will be just fine.
Copyright: ANNIE CHOPRA 2020
A Commentary On Society
A blog that will focus on my perspectives on everyday life, sometimes with satirical commentary on society, people, and the world in general. Annie Chopra's Blog will be full of her beliefs and values
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