Lisa K. Stephenson's Blog
June 18, 2019
Mr. Superficial
I dated a Mr. Superficial and here’s the deal with these guys, they aren’t looking for love or a relationship or to settle down. These guys are the “Mr. Right Now” of the dating pool. However, these guys are “fun” and therefore always down for a good time, they are the “for a good time call” guy and because of this, you can very easily find yourself spending lots of time with them, time that you will not get back. Now, one very common mistake I see and hear of happening is that women will hear the words, “I am not looking for a relationship” from a guy they like and would very much like to be in a relationship with—now instead of taking this comment at face value—will embark on a mission with Mr. Superficial in an effort of change his mind and win his love. This is wrong, wrong, and wrong some more. Do not do this! A man is never too good to express his love, feelings or emotions towards a woman and if he doesn’t articulate this, his actions will no doubt speak for him. I assure you. Often times in cases like this, women find themselves dealing with 1 or 2 things: 1. If she gets pregnant and she isn’t dealing with a complete jackass then he will date you, claim you (maybe) and raise a family with you but he will never truly be invested in you as the woman he hopes to one day marry aka a circumstantial relationship. 2. The Fallback girl. Regardless if he never puts a title on you, he knows that if things don’t work out between him and the woman he really wants, the one he actively pursues then he can always fall back onto you. Don’t be this girl. But, I know you didn’t need me to tell you that.
Learned behaviors: learned behaviors are learned because they are reinforced with positive outcomes or feedback. When Mr. Superficial leaves you, ignores you, strings you along etc. is he being punished? The short answer is no because undoubtedly you will seek to contact him, he will make you come to him. You see players don’t have a time limit or a time frame for “missing an ex or missing their mess around” because where there was you, there were also ten other prospects. So, what inevitably happens is when he pulls back, you begin to push forward and thus the chase is reversed. He learns that when he withdraws his attention he can win yours. He learns that when he is ruthless, mean and nonchalant this solidifies his position as it piques your interest, making him the un-gettable guy. There’s an old saying in psychology that says, in essence, that as long as someone is chasing, the other person will continue running. Stop chasing, stop begging and stop trying to change his mind and you will throw him into a frenzy trying to find new ways to control you.
Men like Mr. Superficial can very easily find himself trapped between two women and this is actually quite popular these days, whether it is the wife and a mistress, the side chick and the girlfriend or the girlfriend and the ex. Let me explain something, NOBODY IS WINNING IN CASES LIKE THESE BESIDES THE MAN! I don’t want to say that too loud, because I know unfortunately a lot of these dudes have made themselves seem so valuable to these women that we are willing to compromise our self-worth and self-respect to be with these men. I say “we” because I have been involved in a situation such as this with my now-ex-boyfriend. But, here is the difference I was always misled into believing he was single and now even if he tells me “good morning” I will go outside and see for myself. He is officially a compulsive liar and men like this get away with such behaviors because let’s face it, he doesn’t have real feelings, (I.E. genuine feelings for EITHER WOMAN) yes ladies, it’s true, he does not love either of you.
But here is the trick to changing that, he may not love nor respect any of you but the one who leaves will always be the most respected and later on valued. To keep a man, you cannot be afraid to lose that man. I will rather be the one who got away, then to be the one who remained a fool and stayed. I promise you, you will always be the one who is valued in the end. Men like this seem to like the look and flavor of two women, that’s two different cakes in the cake shop. This is selfish, deceptive, dishonest, unloving behavior. He does not love you and he does not love her, but do not for one second take this as a compliment and begin making efforts to win the love of this man-boy. He is superficial in nature and the longer you stay around with this degenerate hoping for change is the longer you depreciate in value.
Walking away from relationships such as this is never ever easy, men like Mr. Superficial like playing the victim, playing the victim means never having to take responsibility for any problems in the relationship or situationship. They may retaliate with comments like, “well, you knew what it was and you knew I had a girl.” If and when you do decide to confront them on their behaviors, don’t fall for this bullshit! More victimizing behaviors occur because they do not have to take responsibility for any bad behaviors. Unfortunately, let’s face it, when it comes down to infidelity—this whole side chick, main chick epidemic—WOMEN are always held accountable. It makes me sick to my stomach that when men engage in such behaviors they get a pass for their fucked up ways and women are always the ones who get told their self-esteem is too low, they do not respect themselves etc. But what of the men? So, because he is cheating and deceiving two women he is a winner right? His self-esteem is intact? He is God’s gift because he can successfully lie to multiple women, sleep with multiple women, be dishonest and outright a sleaze, yet and still he is praised for this. Because let’s face it, the general public is not going to call him names or call to questions his morals or values or the lack thereof, they are going to drag the women to fucking filth, making her feel worse than she already does for having to come to the realization that she was in love with a man who doesn’t know love, to begin with.
When you are the victim you can blame others for your failures and this is exactly what Mr. Superficial does! “Yes, I failed at being monogamous but to my side chick, you helped me cheat and to my girlfriend or wife you weren’t sexing me enough.” Everybody in this piece of shits life is the reason for his bad behaviors and mindlessly we accept the blame and put the burden on our shoulders to fix what we weren’t responsible for breaking in the first place. If you are the victim then your dissatisfaction is always someone else’s fault considering that it is always so easy to point the finger and play the blame game, meanwhile you get to slip off into the corner while the real victim is left at the forefront taking all kinds of blows.
I remember when this was me, after a while when dealing with my narcissistic ex I caught wind of his games. Here is how it went. He cheated and left in the worst way! I mean the worst fucking way. His fuck boy cheerleader of a mother condoned the shit, her son cheating on his girlfriend and having a baby on her, and then he went on to cheat on his new girlfriend throughout both of her pregnancies. Does this sound like a stand-up guy to you yet? Fast forward three years later he and I link up for a conversation and he learns that his baby moms as he likes to refer to her has tried to kill herself and that son of a bitch decided to describe her to me as being a “big bitch.” Would you want to date this man? In this case, however, I let myself out of the fuckery because one thing is for damn sure I know what is in store for me and had it not been her, it would have been me suffering from the same undeniable fate. But, you know what the victim always did whenever I would speak up, he would make himself the victim, of course and then talk up anyone who was willing to listen by convincing them that I was this “crazy psycho ex” who wouldn’t leave him alone and so, yes I became the crazy psycho ex so that he would for a whole fact never ever play those social media games with me again or try to see how far he could get to try and sleep with me.
At some point, you have to grow tired of the inconsistency, the lies etc. When a man is okay with having you as an option, meaning if it is within his power to leave his relationship and be with you solely and he hasn’t done so, then why are you okay with giving someone your very best when he can’t even give you the very least which is a commitment? Now, I do not like to always blame the women, because it is not always our fault, there are men who have been taught that their actions are acceptable and therefore can go on to be an absolute mess and still be praised and rewarded for it.
I know that walking away from these scenarios can be tough but understand the following. The anger, pain, and resentment that you feel is simply your body creating a defense mechanism. Identify the red flags this person maybe gives off: lack of self-knowledge, materialism, narcissism, vain, etc there is a range of possibilities. And believe me I am not just speaking out of my ass, I remember with my last relationship he crushed my self-esteem so low and lacked any compassion for me even after I found out via Facebook that he was having a child with someone else, he made me feel so low that even when I began dating again, I didn’t believe the new guys who would tell me I was pretty, talented, ambitious etc. Mr. Superficial will do everything in their power to take away yours in an effort to keep you right where he wants you, emotionally dependent on him. Next, you must identify why you ignored those red flags, to begin with? Here is where we have to take a look at your self-esteem, and not in a bad way. We have tendencies as women to tolerate the utmost disrespect from the least likely of candidates all because we want who we want. But as I've said in my other podcast, it ain't always about looks. Treatment. The way he treats you should be the reason you love him, not solely the way he looks. Once you self-reflect then there are so many wonderful things that you can learn about yourself, were you dating down? Is Mr. Superficial despite him being emotionally unavailable someone who you consider an upgrade from your last suitor?
I remember when I went back to my ex and only wanted him for sex, it was because truthfully, I was on dick management and I couldn’t find anyone to eat my box the way he did. Hey, it sounds crazy! But that was the truth, turns out though he was both a bad boyfriend and an even worse fuck buddy and so that had to end. I am going to leave you with four tasks to practice when you have either dealt with Mr. Superficial, are currently dealing with Mr. Superficial or if you ever find yourself in the near future smitten by an emotionally unavailable man.
Number 1: nonchalant behavior. Sis, he is not your man, do not cook for this man, do not invite him over for meals just so he can see that you are a good cook and then possibly want to get into a relationship with you. No! home cooked meals, foot rubs, etc are for hard-working men, who are taking care of you and only you and maybe his momma. 2. Competition: now I know some of ya are gonna be like, no, no Lisa I can’t make him jealous otherwise he will lose interest. Okay, well here is the tea, no man wants to know that what he has nobody else wants. I mean c’mon where’s the fun in that? If he knows he has a prize and you carry yourself as such he will have way more respect for you. Men enjoy the chase, do not flaunt other men in their face, but let it be known in a subtle manner that you are in fact dating other men. Now, because you ain't no desperate women that means you are not in a rush to give these men no title. Because at the end of the day, you are the prize, which brings me to number 3. Ungettable, I actually learned about the ungettable girl from a blogger by the name of Chris who runs www.exboyfriendrecovery.com he is super dope, you can check him out when you get a chance. But yes, ungettable, this is not you playing games. But you have to have a life. A life in which he is not apart of, your life has to be your priority, you have to show him that you are not looking to play around because let’s face it, you have shit to do. Like you dead-ass got shit to do, whether that is parenting, school, working—you are too busy for inconsistency and if you find yourself setting these boundaries and you are not getting the results you want, then you have 1 of 2 problems on your hands, he either really does not care for your presence, or he is conditioned to play hard to get in which case he is playing games and needs to be dropped immediately.
Lastly, no titles! I hate when women get so giddy because a man asks them to be their girlfriend. F that! You give out titles, not the other way around. Stop sitting across from these man-boys and letting them take you off the market when you still don’t truly know jack shit about him. Have you met his mom? Do you know what type of woman she is? Have you stalked her social media? Have you met his pops? Been around his friends? I need answers. If you don’t know him why are you letting him claim you? Furthermore don’t look so thirsty and needy and be quick to tell a nigga, “yes I will be your girlfriend.” Take your time and pace yourself, if he is truly invested he will not go anywhere but what he will learn is that you are a woman of value and this is not just with your mind, body, and soul, but also with your time.
Don't forget to like, share and comment. Also, if you have a story you would like to share DM me on Instagram @lisak.stephenson Lisa K. Stephenson
Learned behaviors: learned behaviors are learned because they are reinforced with positive outcomes or feedback. When Mr. Superficial leaves you, ignores you, strings you along etc. is he being punished? The short answer is no because undoubtedly you will seek to contact him, he will make you come to him. You see players don’t have a time limit or a time frame for “missing an ex or missing their mess around” because where there was you, there were also ten other prospects. So, what inevitably happens is when he pulls back, you begin to push forward and thus the chase is reversed. He learns that when he withdraws his attention he can win yours. He learns that when he is ruthless, mean and nonchalant this solidifies his position as it piques your interest, making him the un-gettable guy. There’s an old saying in psychology that says, in essence, that as long as someone is chasing, the other person will continue running. Stop chasing, stop begging and stop trying to change his mind and you will throw him into a frenzy trying to find new ways to control you.
Men like Mr. Superficial can very easily find himself trapped between two women and this is actually quite popular these days, whether it is the wife and a mistress, the side chick and the girlfriend or the girlfriend and the ex. Let me explain something, NOBODY IS WINNING IN CASES LIKE THESE BESIDES THE MAN! I don’t want to say that too loud, because I know unfortunately a lot of these dudes have made themselves seem so valuable to these women that we are willing to compromise our self-worth and self-respect to be with these men. I say “we” because I have been involved in a situation such as this with my now-ex-boyfriend. But, here is the difference I was always misled into believing he was single and now even if he tells me “good morning” I will go outside and see for myself. He is officially a compulsive liar and men like this get away with such behaviors because let’s face it, he doesn’t have real feelings, (I.E. genuine feelings for EITHER WOMAN) yes ladies, it’s true, he does not love either of you.
But here is the trick to changing that, he may not love nor respect any of you but the one who leaves will always be the most respected and later on valued. To keep a man, you cannot be afraid to lose that man. I will rather be the one who got away, then to be the one who remained a fool and stayed. I promise you, you will always be the one who is valued in the end. Men like this seem to like the look and flavor of two women, that’s two different cakes in the cake shop. This is selfish, deceptive, dishonest, unloving behavior. He does not love you and he does not love her, but do not for one second take this as a compliment and begin making efforts to win the love of this man-boy. He is superficial in nature and the longer you stay around with this degenerate hoping for change is the longer you depreciate in value.
Walking away from relationships such as this is never ever easy, men like Mr. Superficial like playing the victim, playing the victim means never having to take responsibility for any problems in the relationship or situationship. They may retaliate with comments like, “well, you knew what it was and you knew I had a girl.” If and when you do decide to confront them on their behaviors, don’t fall for this bullshit! More victimizing behaviors occur because they do not have to take responsibility for any bad behaviors. Unfortunately, let’s face it, when it comes down to infidelity—this whole side chick, main chick epidemic—WOMEN are always held accountable. It makes me sick to my stomach that when men engage in such behaviors they get a pass for their fucked up ways and women are always the ones who get told their self-esteem is too low, they do not respect themselves etc. But what of the men? So, because he is cheating and deceiving two women he is a winner right? His self-esteem is intact? He is God’s gift because he can successfully lie to multiple women, sleep with multiple women, be dishonest and outright a sleaze, yet and still he is praised for this. Because let’s face it, the general public is not going to call him names or call to questions his morals or values or the lack thereof, they are going to drag the women to fucking filth, making her feel worse than she already does for having to come to the realization that she was in love with a man who doesn’t know love, to begin with.
When you are the victim you can blame others for your failures and this is exactly what Mr. Superficial does! “Yes, I failed at being monogamous but to my side chick, you helped me cheat and to my girlfriend or wife you weren’t sexing me enough.” Everybody in this piece of shits life is the reason for his bad behaviors and mindlessly we accept the blame and put the burden on our shoulders to fix what we weren’t responsible for breaking in the first place. If you are the victim then your dissatisfaction is always someone else’s fault considering that it is always so easy to point the finger and play the blame game, meanwhile you get to slip off into the corner while the real victim is left at the forefront taking all kinds of blows.
I remember when this was me, after a while when dealing with my narcissistic ex I caught wind of his games. Here is how it went. He cheated and left in the worst way! I mean the worst fucking way. His fuck boy cheerleader of a mother condoned the shit, her son cheating on his girlfriend and having a baby on her, and then he went on to cheat on his new girlfriend throughout both of her pregnancies. Does this sound like a stand-up guy to you yet? Fast forward three years later he and I link up for a conversation and he learns that his baby moms as he likes to refer to her has tried to kill herself and that son of a bitch decided to describe her to me as being a “big bitch.” Would you want to date this man? In this case, however, I let myself out of the fuckery because one thing is for damn sure I know what is in store for me and had it not been her, it would have been me suffering from the same undeniable fate. But, you know what the victim always did whenever I would speak up, he would make himself the victim, of course and then talk up anyone who was willing to listen by convincing them that I was this “crazy psycho ex” who wouldn’t leave him alone and so, yes I became the crazy psycho ex so that he would for a whole fact never ever play those social media games with me again or try to see how far he could get to try and sleep with me.
At some point, you have to grow tired of the inconsistency, the lies etc. When a man is okay with having you as an option, meaning if it is within his power to leave his relationship and be with you solely and he hasn’t done so, then why are you okay with giving someone your very best when he can’t even give you the very least which is a commitment? Now, I do not like to always blame the women, because it is not always our fault, there are men who have been taught that their actions are acceptable and therefore can go on to be an absolute mess and still be praised and rewarded for it.
I know that walking away from these scenarios can be tough but understand the following. The anger, pain, and resentment that you feel is simply your body creating a defense mechanism. Identify the red flags this person maybe gives off: lack of self-knowledge, materialism, narcissism, vain, etc there is a range of possibilities. And believe me I am not just speaking out of my ass, I remember with my last relationship he crushed my self-esteem so low and lacked any compassion for me even after I found out via Facebook that he was having a child with someone else, he made me feel so low that even when I began dating again, I didn’t believe the new guys who would tell me I was pretty, talented, ambitious etc. Mr. Superficial will do everything in their power to take away yours in an effort to keep you right where he wants you, emotionally dependent on him. Next, you must identify why you ignored those red flags, to begin with? Here is where we have to take a look at your self-esteem, and not in a bad way. We have tendencies as women to tolerate the utmost disrespect from the least likely of candidates all because we want who we want. But as I've said in my other podcast, it ain't always about looks. Treatment. The way he treats you should be the reason you love him, not solely the way he looks. Once you self-reflect then there are so many wonderful things that you can learn about yourself, were you dating down? Is Mr. Superficial despite him being emotionally unavailable someone who you consider an upgrade from your last suitor?
I remember when I went back to my ex and only wanted him for sex, it was because truthfully, I was on dick management and I couldn’t find anyone to eat my box the way he did. Hey, it sounds crazy! But that was the truth, turns out though he was both a bad boyfriend and an even worse fuck buddy and so that had to end. I am going to leave you with four tasks to practice when you have either dealt with Mr. Superficial, are currently dealing with Mr. Superficial or if you ever find yourself in the near future smitten by an emotionally unavailable man.
Number 1: nonchalant behavior. Sis, he is not your man, do not cook for this man, do not invite him over for meals just so he can see that you are a good cook and then possibly want to get into a relationship with you. No! home cooked meals, foot rubs, etc are for hard-working men, who are taking care of you and only you and maybe his momma. 2. Competition: now I know some of ya are gonna be like, no, no Lisa I can’t make him jealous otherwise he will lose interest. Okay, well here is the tea, no man wants to know that what he has nobody else wants. I mean c’mon where’s the fun in that? If he knows he has a prize and you carry yourself as such he will have way more respect for you. Men enjoy the chase, do not flaunt other men in their face, but let it be known in a subtle manner that you are in fact dating other men. Now, because you ain't no desperate women that means you are not in a rush to give these men no title. Because at the end of the day, you are the prize, which brings me to number 3. Ungettable, I actually learned about the ungettable girl from a blogger by the name of Chris who runs www.exboyfriendrecovery.com he is super dope, you can check him out when you get a chance. But yes, ungettable, this is not you playing games. But you have to have a life. A life in which he is not apart of, your life has to be your priority, you have to show him that you are not looking to play around because let’s face it, you have shit to do. Like you dead-ass got shit to do, whether that is parenting, school, working—you are too busy for inconsistency and if you find yourself setting these boundaries and you are not getting the results you want, then you have 1 of 2 problems on your hands, he either really does not care for your presence, or he is conditioned to play hard to get in which case he is playing games and needs to be dropped immediately.
Lastly, no titles! I hate when women get so giddy because a man asks them to be their girlfriend. F that! You give out titles, not the other way around. Stop sitting across from these man-boys and letting them take you off the market when you still don’t truly know jack shit about him. Have you met his mom? Do you know what type of woman she is? Have you stalked her social media? Have you met his pops? Been around his friends? I need answers. If you don’t know him why are you letting him claim you? Furthermore don’t look so thirsty and needy and be quick to tell a nigga, “yes I will be your girlfriend.” Take your time and pace yourself, if he is truly invested he will not go anywhere but what he will learn is that you are a woman of value and this is not just with your mind, body, and soul, but also with your time.
Don't forget to like, share and comment. Also, if you have a story you would like to share DM me on Instagram @lisak.stephenson Lisa K. Stephenson
