Lawrence Davis's Blog
June 18, 2018
Guest Post on PTSD
This is Lawrence Davis, author of the new book Blunt Force Magic. First, I want to thank the blog proper for giving me the opportunity. I’ve taken the time to work my way through the content and it’s an honor to contribute. I mean it, I’m a fan, and that’s not a platitude. I don’t really operate that way.
My novel, about which I’ll add links and excerpts as well as several ways to contact me, is a gritty, noir-themed urban fantasy with what I am hoping is a protagonist who’ll stand all on his own. Today, though, I wanted to talk less about the novel itself and more of my journey in writing it.
I’m a combat veteran and I suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Anybody who wrestles with any kind of mental disorder knows that in addition to the enemy within, cozy between your two ears, you have one hell of a stigma handcuffed to it. I was an infantryman, affectionately known as bullet catchers, grunts, ground pounders, knuckle-draggers… you get the point. What’s less known about the military is the brotherhood—I mean, it’s known, but to experience it is a totally different thing. Even now I struggle to find a way to succinctly articulate it. We’re a tribe, a family, it’s like being in a crowd that’s littered with nothing but your best friends. It was all at once the hardest and best time of my life.
And then I was ripped from that. I was ripped from belonging, I was ripped from that support system, I was torn away from a very comfortable understanding of what my place in this world was and how I needed to function to find success.
That’s where the book starts, or at least an approximation of it. Janzen is an everyman—in fact, labeling him as an anti-hero isn’t wholly correct. He’s less-than in terms of prowess, but not as an individual. The monster in it is the embodiment of my trauma, both from having gone to war and subsequently being taken from the family who helped me see it through. I tried to make my character universally relatable—even if you don’t identify with the genre, his proclivities, or his mannerisms, I think there are parts of Janzen that any of us who have felt alone, overwhelmed or just like shit for no other reason than our head seems to have a stranglehold on our ability to be happy and refuses to let it go can identify with.
The journey is brutal, I hope it’s a little unflinching, I want you to wince at every fight. Whenever there’s a problem that seems insurmountable I want you to be able to see in his dread the kind that we experience when we feel like we’ve got nowhere to go. I want Janzen to be the guy you cheer for, roll your eyes at and ultimately see something of yourself in.
I’ll never recover from my PTSD, but now as I learn to speak about it, manage it and even make peace with it, I don’t think I would have it any other way. All that which I once regretted, longed for, hated and even missed are the pieces that make up who I am today. And today I am an author, a lifelong dream of mine; I promise you’d be hard-pressed to find a more thankful author than me. Today I can speak to you directly about these tribulations and promise that you’re not alone, that there is a way through it, and maybe I can give you a friend in Janzen who can show you that sometimes if you drive on, lean on the right people, accept vulnerability, and ultimately find a way to invest some of your belief in yourself, you can get out of the darkness.
Always Forward.
If you’re suffering from depression or suicidal please call: 1-800-273-8255.
And if that isn’t your speed, my contact information will be at the bottom, drop me a line.
Thank you all for the time, and I sincerely hope you enjoy Blunt Force Magic as much as I did writing it.
My novel, about which I’ll add links and excerpts as well as several ways to contact me, is a gritty, noir-themed urban fantasy with what I am hoping is a protagonist who’ll stand all on his own. Today, though, I wanted to talk less about the novel itself and more of my journey in writing it.
I’m a combat veteran and I suffer from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Anybody who wrestles with any kind of mental disorder knows that in addition to the enemy within, cozy between your two ears, you have one hell of a stigma handcuffed to it. I was an infantryman, affectionately known as bullet catchers, grunts, ground pounders, knuckle-draggers… you get the point. What’s less known about the military is the brotherhood—I mean, it’s known, but to experience it is a totally different thing. Even now I struggle to find a way to succinctly articulate it. We’re a tribe, a family, it’s like being in a crowd that’s littered with nothing but your best friends. It was all at once the hardest and best time of my life.
And then I was ripped from that. I was ripped from belonging, I was ripped from that support system, I was torn away from a very comfortable understanding of what my place in this world was and how I needed to function to find success.
That’s where the book starts, or at least an approximation of it. Janzen is an everyman—in fact, labeling him as an anti-hero isn’t wholly correct. He’s less-than in terms of prowess, but not as an individual. The monster in it is the embodiment of my trauma, both from having gone to war and subsequently being taken from the family who helped me see it through. I tried to make my character universally relatable—even if you don’t identify with the genre, his proclivities, or his mannerisms, I think there are parts of Janzen that any of us who have felt alone, overwhelmed or just like shit for no other reason than our head seems to have a stranglehold on our ability to be happy and refuses to let it go can identify with.
The journey is brutal, I hope it’s a little unflinching, I want you to wince at every fight. Whenever there’s a problem that seems insurmountable I want you to be able to see in his dread the kind that we experience when we feel like we’ve got nowhere to go. I want Janzen to be the guy you cheer for, roll your eyes at and ultimately see something of yourself in.
I’ll never recover from my PTSD, but now as I learn to speak about it, manage it and even make peace with it, I don’t think I would have it any other way. All that which I once regretted, longed for, hated and even missed are the pieces that make up who I am today. And today I am an author, a lifelong dream of mine; I promise you’d be hard-pressed to find a more thankful author than me. Today I can speak to you directly about these tribulations and promise that you’re not alone, that there is a way through it, and maybe I can give you a friend in Janzen who can show you that sometimes if you drive on, lean on the right people, accept vulnerability, and ultimately find a way to invest some of your belief in yourself, you can get out of the darkness.
Always Forward.
If you’re suffering from depression or suicidal please call: 1-800-273-8255.
And if that isn’t your speed, my contact information will be at the bottom, drop me a line.
Thank you all for the time, and I sincerely hope you enjoy Blunt Force Magic as much as I did writing it.
