David DeMeo's Blog

In case anyone was wondering, I am alive.
This may come as a surprise to some of you, while others have been aware of my being alive for some time.
I turned 41 this year. I just moments ago said the words, "I can't wait until we buy those diabetes socks." every word dripping with ecstasy. My fiancé replied, "We're going to be sooooooo comfortable."
I had my annual check-up today, 3 years late. My weight yo-yos, but this doctor's visit was like most of my doctor's visit - everything's fine, I'm just...

"...you're too busy, eating sesame sticks discounted from TJ Maxx." said my boyfriend in the voice of Veronica Cartwright from Witches of Eastwick.

And that's true. I just can't seem to get enough of those discounted sesame sticks from TJ Maxx. And that artichoke spread. And Tajin gummy peach rings.

You're probably asking yourself, "What kind of a person eats food from TJ Maxx?" And fuck you for judging me. I am clearly the kind of person that eats food from TJ Maxx. A desperate man on the edge of...

 Instead, we will make up backstories for some Lego Friends sets. That's more fun than coronavirus.

Andrea has been alone in the woods for days, surviving on marshmallows and boiled creek water. The map is no good; the forest keeps changing. The squirrel knows something. It watches her, always watching from the stump where the yellow flowers grow. She uses the flash on her camera to keep the shadows away. Maybe it's the roses that draw them in. Maybe it's the smell of burning marshmallows. Maybe ...

Heyo! Esther Pollock here. As you probably know, I'm the head honcho over here at Fire Mountain Gems. I'm pictured here with my fellow FMG designers, Scotty Blumpkin and Dan Pizzazz. Don't worry, this picture was taken a long time ago; we are all responsibly social-distancing as per the CDC and the great state of Minnesota. We just want you to know that Fire Mountain Gems is here for you during this uncertain time. And I know some of you are concerned that our entire catalog of products is manuf...

If you hear yourself saying, "Do you have honey butter? Well, the website says you have it." you should probably stay the fuck home. Also, if you ever happen to find said honey butter, feel free to take it home and fuck yourself with it.
If you are walking around for over an hour and the only things in your basket are a bunch of dried lavender, a dozen white roses, and a bag of Mexican blend shredded cheese, then you didn't "need" anything. What are you making? Potpourri tacos? Stay the fuck...

Heyo. Esther Pollock here. You probably know me from my brief stint as a stunt double for Jennifer Lien as Kess on Star Trek: Voyager. I'm also a licensed shiatsu massage therapist and notary public on the weekends. Most of all, I am the creative genius behind Fire Mountaim Gems.
2020 marks my 14th year here at Fire Mountain Gems, and to celebrate we've designed some of the most audacious jewelery in the history of jewelry. Itself. Think about that. Let that sit with you for a while.
Let's...

[One from the vaults]
Heyo! Esther Pollack here - man-eater, part-time lover, and maniac. When I'm not photoshopping Chuck Norris' head onto well oiled nude bodies, I'm head designer here at Fire Mountain Gems - an American by-way-of-China institution.


So let's just cut the crust off this shit sandwich and get to the guts - 2017 was not a great year for designs. We're in the new year now, so let's start things off right with..."Venetian Beauty" by metal clay contest finalist, AnnMarie...

Somewhere, there is a Universe where beards have magical powers and all the different beards have different powers. They wouldn't be like normal beards you could grow, but rather wear like you would wear a hat. One day you might wear the Beard of Storms and another the Wind Whiskers. Something to think about.
There is another Universe where Moms run the world and all of the superheroes and supervillians in this world are also Moms. We'll call it the Mommiverse.
In this week's issue, the Mother...

Subtitle: Bring me the zucchini, you idiots! And other tales.
I don't like repeating myself but I often forget things. As a result, other people have to repeat themselves for me so I find it difficult to be angry with them when I am called upon to repeat myself for them. I get mad anyway. They say it's a choice, anger. I'm not so sure.
Today, someone said I didnt know what I was talking about when I was in fact an expert on the subject. The topic is irrelevant. The point is: people will...

One year ago today, you started your cosmic journey. It is a day that frankly haunts me. I can remember seeing your face in the clouds on the ride home from the hospital. There are other things I wish I could forget.

There were so many times I wanted to call you and tell you something funny or interesting or recommend an awesome movie. Those are the worst moments.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hear a song on the radio that reminds me of you. Indigo Girls or Enya or Steeleye Span w...