Nicki Jae's Blog

 

Appearances will keep you bound.I share so much, yet so little, of my life. Whether it is out of "pretending" to be a private person or shame or both I couldn't tell you. Even now I'm almost certain it's that I'm not going to tell you. I have to explain some things about alcoholism. It is not as black and white as you might think it is. See my issue with drinking started back in 2010, 2011. I drank because it was fun. I drank because it was an escape. I drank because my life at that...

 

I don't know exactly what sent me down this rabbit hole. A thought popped into my head and I started wondering what happened to Evangelism like we had in the 90's? What happened to going out into the community and having tent services? Additionally, I got lost in the memories of Christianity when it was oh so simple for me. Back when I went to church every week, multiple times a week for various things: Bible study, choir rehearsal, piano lessons, drill team, mime, and church plays. The one thi...

At this point I have to ask, is therapy really working? 

 I've been in therapy on and off since I was about 14 years old... maybe one or two years younger than that. That being said, I never really got much out of it in the teen years because let's face it, as a teen you really don't want to cooperate with any adult, let alone a "Shrink". I would go and talk about nothing of importance, pretending to sleep when it was my mother's turn to come in for the session with me. How this woman knew I wasn...

Random conversations at work tend to be the best sort of conversations. One such conversation occurred last week that has been on my mind ever since. In true ADHD fashion, I cannot tell you how this conversation came about. I can only tell you that by the conclusion of that conversation, I have been contemplating deeply on my bucket list. Two of the three of us had bucket lists, can you guess which person didn't have one? Yes, that would be me. Oddly enough, during my recent vacation to Tennesse...

 

It's frustrating that I even feel the need to write about this. It's more than frustrating, it's downright infuriating. It's so strange to look back on my life and see how far I have come. I used to have the worst attitude in the world. If my day was going bad I would take it out on anyone and everyone at any given time. It wasn't until I was at McDonald's one day, and a lady I had been really nasty to said to me "Honey, I haven't done anything to you." I remember exactly how I felt in that mom...

Internally I scream at the top of my lungs,

Louder and louder than I've ever sung,

The invisible tears envelope me and wrap me in their arms,

My mind does more damage to me than self harm,

The cuts I can imagine,

I no longer follow through,

A win of sorts,

But now what do I do?

Smoke?

Drink?

I'm on the brink,

Of insanity because sanity seems to escape me,

Poetry no motion stuck in one place,

Char Onyx Chamele pick one,

Choose a face.

 

My brain says write, so I sit down at the computer, turn it on, pull up a word document, poise my fingers to begin... and nothing comes. My brain goes completely blank, I close the program and return to Hulu or Crunchyroll. Surely after watching something mindless I'll be able to write. No such luck. I've fallen off from writing completely for years at this point. It's frustrating and downright depressing. There was a working theory that I am not able to write when I am happy and I've been dead...

Before I delve into the world of burnout I want to first start off with this fact; I LOVE MY JOB! 
It's been so long since I've written anything I can't recall whether or not you all know what it is that I do for a living, well, I'm a "Youth Worker" which is a watered-down way of saying that I am a juvenile corrections worker. The thing about this job is that I did and didn't choose this profession. Many years ago I wanted to be a counselor to teens because when I was a teen I didn't like any of ...

 

I am a member of an ADHD group for black women. I've been in the group for so long I'm not certain how long I've actually been there. The group has been so reassuring over the years and has constantly reminded me that I am not alone.  I was diagnosed back in the mid-nineties with ADHD and was promptly medicated after the discovery. Being the child that  I was I refused to take my medication and I've been unmedicated ever since. Having run across an article posted in the group called "It took me...

 

I want to start by apologizing to anyone who may be following my blog for updates on my new releases. Edith Freed was officially released on 4/11/2021.
Edith is a good girl, but life events have taught her that the only thing she needs in life is her sister and her faith. She hasn't even heard the song yet, but her theme is "No New Friends", after the trauma of her sister Genevieve being kidnapped and tortured (Genevieve Lost) she definitely had some soul searching to do. Armed with a new mindse...