Chloe Carmichael's Blog
May 6, 2022
Tackle Your Career Options Head On
Have you been secretly daydreaming about going to graduate school? Or wondering if your boss sees you as a good candidate for a position slightly ahead of yours?
Make 2015 the year you bring these ideas out into the open! Taking one small step toward exploring them — whether it’s browsing graduate program websites or mapping out a conversation with your boss — isn’t just empowering. It also helps release the anxiety that builds up when you keep your desires hidden.
Here are several other small steps you can take now for the top three lifestyle changes I’ve found most of my clients usually worry about:
1. Graduate School
Ordering information packets from potential graduate school programs can help you become aware of whether or not graduate school feels like the right move for you. Also consider asking for informational interviews with alumni from the programs that interest you. You can easily find alumni by searching your program of interest on LinkedIn and seeing which alumni have shared connections with you. Even if you don’t have shared connections, consider sending a simple LinkedIn message to a few alumni of interest. You may be pleasantly surprised by the responses, but even if you never hear back, you have nothing to lose by asking.
2. A Career Change
The best way to figure out if a career transition is really the best next step for you is by talking to people who are doing what you want to do. Start by seeing if you have any LinkedIn connections who can introduce you to people who have your ideal job. Also get in touch with your alma mater’s alumni relations center to see if they can connect you with people in your desired field. Joining your local chamber of commerce and then attending the special interest groups for your field of interest is another great way to meet people in your desired field. You can also attend networking events you find through Meetup or similar websites.
Sometimes my clients feel relieved when I give them homework like this because they can reach out to their networks and say, “My career coach is asking me to reach out and arrange at least 3 informational interviews next month.” But the truth is that people will be even more impressed if you simply assert that you’re doing this out of your own will. Remember what Wayne Gretzky said: You lose 100% of the shots you don’t take!
3. A Promotion
Many companies promote at the beginning of the year, so if there’s a position you’ve been eyeing, set a meeting with your boss to discuss it. Jot down several questions to ask, such as, “What would I need to start doing now if I wanted to target position X as a future promotion?”
Many of my clients are pleasantly surprised to find out that their boss actually finds their eagerness and interest in taking on leadership positions refreshing. The worst-case scenario: You’re told that advancing is not an option, in which case, it’s good to get that information now so you can start planning your next move elsewhere.
The first step to unexplored questions about your career is simply to begin the process of gathering information so you can decide your next move for yourself rather than let time go by and have decisions made for you. Trust me, you’ll feel so empowered once you start going after what you really want, you’ll never regret it.
Make 2015 the year you bring these ideas out into the open! Taking one small step toward exploring them — whether it’s browsing graduate program websites or mapping out a conversation with your boss — isn’t just empowering. It also helps release the anxiety that builds up when you keep your desires hidden.
Here are several other small steps you can take now for the top three lifestyle changes I’ve found most of my clients usually worry about:
1. Graduate School
Ordering information packets from potential graduate school programs can help you become aware of whether or not graduate school feels like the right move for you. Also consider asking for informational interviews with alumni from the programs that interest you. You can easily find alumni by searching your program of interest on LinkedIn and seeing which alumni have shared connections with you. Even if you don’t have shared connections, consider sending a simple LinkedIn message to a few alumni of interest. You may be pleasantly surprised by the responses, but even if you never hear back, you have nothing to lose by asking.
2. A Career Change
The best way to figure out if a career transition is really the best next step for you is by talking to people who are doing what you want to do. Start by seeing if you have any LinkedIn connections who can introduce you to people who have your ideal job. Also get in touch with your alma mater’s alumni relations center to see if they can connect you with people in your desired field. Joining your local chamber of commerce and then attending the special interest groups for your field of interest is another great way to meet people in your desired field. You can also attend networking events you find through Meetup or similar websites.
Sometimes my clients feel relieved when I give them homework like this because they can reach out to their networks and say, “My career coach is asking me to reach out and arrange at least 3 informational interviews next month.” But the truth is that people will be even more impressed if you simply assert that you’re doing this out of your own will. Remember what Wayne Gretzky said: You lose 100% of the shots you don’t take!
3. A Promotion
Many companies promote at the beginning of the year, so if there’s a position you’ve been eyeing, set a meeting with your boss to discuss it. Jot down several questions to ask, such as, “What would I need to start doing now if I wanted to target position X as a future promotion?”
Many of my clients are pleasantly surprised to find out that their boss actually finds their eagerness and interest in taking on leadership positions refreshing. The worst-case scenario: You’re told that advancing is not an option, in which case, it’s good to get that information now so you can start planning your next move elsewhere.
The first step to unexplored questions about your career is simply to begin the process of gathering information so you can decide your next move for yourself rather than let time go by and have decisions made for you. Trust me, you’ll feel so empowered once you start going after what you really want, you’ll never regret it.
April 29, 2022
Learn CBT for Anxiety from Home!
Many of my clients are SUPER busy, so coming to the office to learn CBT techniques feels time consuming. To address this, I have created an on-demand anxiety management product that is JAM PACKED with my most popular techniques!
My online anxiety management toolbox deals with the three major types of anxiety that I’ve found are most common in driven, results-oriented people: Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and panic attacks. Why would these be common in successful people? I have found that a bit of GAD helps people to be conscientious, a little OCD actually helps people to be detail-oriented, and often times panic attacks are the result of hyper-focus on a particular goal. Many of my clients have actually RELIED on their anxiety to bring them a certain amount of success, and now they need to harness that anxiety so they can rise even higher!
My online anxiety management toolbox is a “cheat sheet” to the most popular techniques in my practice for managing anxiety. Each unit suggests multiple tools for anxiety management. The tools are simple and practical, and designed to help you MOVE FORWARD with your life.
Even if you don’t have a clinically diagnosable anxiety issue, you will probably find the techniques I suggest useful if you are a productive, goal-oriented person. And even better, several of the techniques I am recommending can alleviate your anxiety in a relatively short amount of time.
https://www.anxietytools.com/
My online anxiety management toolbox deals with the three major types of anxiety that I’ve found are most common in driven, results-oriented people: Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and panic attacks. Why would these be common in successful people? I have found that a bit of GAD helps people to be conscientious, a little OCD actually helps people to be detail-oriented, and often times panic attacks are the result of hyper-focus on a particular goal. Many of my clients have actually RELIED on their anxiety to bring them a certain amount of success, and now they need to harness that anxiety so they can rise even higher!
My online anxiety management toolbox is a “cheat sheet” to the most popular techniques in my practice for managing anxiety. Each unit suggests multiple tools for anxiety management. The tools are simple and practical, and designed to help you MOVE FORWARD with your life.
Even if you don’t have a clinically diagnosable anxiety issue, you will probably find the techniques I suggest useful if you are a productive, goal-oriented person. And even better, several of the techniques I am recommending can alleviate your anxiety in a relatively short amount of time.
https://www.anxietytools.com/
April 22, 2022
How to Manage Changes and Transitions Successfully!
LIFE IS FULL OF CHANGES AND TRANSITIONS
Have you ever heard the saying, “The only thing that is constant thing is change”? It was said first by Heraclitus, about 2500 years ago- yet it still rings true today. Whether you’re relocating to a new city, finding or ending a relationship, or navigating a promotion or other job change, life is challenging you to adjust gracefully to something new. This blog outlines some of the common components of many phases of life’s transitions in work, dating, and life in general– with tips on how to make the most of each phase.
TRANSITION PHASE 1: PRE-CHANGE
Some changes take us completely by surprise, but oftentimes there are clear or subtle signals that change is afoot. The more we can increase our awareness of the coming change and how we feel about it, the better we can prepare. For example, if you are relocating to a new city and you’re nervous about finding a new circle of friends, the worst thing you can do is to try and pretend to yourself that you’re not worried about it. By acknowledging your concern, you empower yourself to take proactive steps like searching online to find a local art class (or tennis, or cooking, or whatever hobby you may have), alumni organization, or some other group where you can start building social connections. This applies to changes that are less defined as well: For example, if you have a feeling that your job situation might be in jeopardy due to pending layoffs or mergers, it’s best if you face that fear by proactively spending some time brushing up your resume, attend a few networking events, and possibly even requesting a frank discussion with your manager about where the company seems to be headed or regards your future within the organization. By remaining proactive and planful during the pre-change stage, we manage anxiety in a productive manner that promotes success rather than fear or stagnation.
TRANSITION PHASE 2: ACTIVE CHANGE
The change has arrived! To continue with the examples above, let’s say your relocation move date has arrived. It’s natural to feel a little nervous or overwhelmed, and it’s good to make emotional space for these feelings. Instead of trying to fight them, recognize that they often signal a healthy awareness that this change is important, and will require some extra attention and focus for the next few months. Even positive changes are often accompanied by a sense of sadness, because you’re mourning what’s left behind– so give yourself permission to process those feelings. This will empower you to take logical and supportive steps to manage those feelings, such as making “Skype dates” to catch up with friends or family from the city you left behind; or to go gently on yourself at that new tennis class you signed up for during Transition Phase 1 above.
If the change feels more sudden, such as the example above of feeling like your job might be in jeopardy and then somewhat suddenly having the change materialize when you’re called into the HR department, do yourself a favor by recognizing that the element of surprise can make any change feel more overwhelming at first. Just keeping this in mind can help put things into perspective. Basic things like remembering to breathe deeply and give yourself time to process the arrival of the change before taking too much action can really shape the way the change unfolds. For example, if your job is telling you about the layoff or merger and you’re taken completely by surprise, it’s often advisable to give yourself at least a few days to read and process any separation agreements, and then take a week to brainstorm ideas for next steps in your career. Calling in support is a great way to manage nearly all forms of change, especially sudden change- in this example, that could mean meeting with trusted friends or family members, a therapist, career mentors or even old professors with whom you have a good relationship, or your alumni organization’s career center (even if you’re far from your alumni city, many of them will make a phone or video appointment for alumni requesting career consultations). The key in either sudden or planned change is to make sure you give yourself time and space to process the emotions that arise, and then take logical steps to get appropriate guidance, support, or input.
TRANSITION PHASE 3: POST CHANGE
Once the first 2-3 weeks have passed, the “new normal” has begun to take shape. Habits are generally made around 28 days, so take this time to make sure you’re embarking on this new chapter in a way that feels healthy. Since you don’t have a crystal ball and probably couldn’t plan for every component of this change, you’re probably now aware of a few areas that need some attention. To continue with the relocation example above, you might find that although your new job and those tennis lessons are going well, and you’re enjoying Skype dates to reconnect with friends and family from your prior location, you just hadn’t fully anticipated the impact of living in a new culture (even just moving from one US city to another can have striking implications- Virginia vs New York City are very different places, much less moving to another country!), or you hadn’t completely realized how darn expensive your new city would be. Just like in Transition Phase 1, increasing your awareness of these issues rather than trying to “white knuckle” your way through them is the healthiest thing you can do. By recognizing the gaps, you empower yourself to find logical, personalized ways to fill them in through strategizing and self-care. So if you find yourself wrestling with unanticipated challenges, congratulate yourself on that awareness– and then think proactively about how you can mitigate the challenge.
REACHING OUT FOR SUPPORT
If you feel stuck in any of the phases above, consider a therapist to help guide you along. Whether it’s a romantic breakup, new responsibilities of a job promotion or the decision to create change by applying for graduate school, or the examples above of relocation or job loss, there’s always an upside to being proactive and planful about how you want to shape the way this change affects you. Oftentimes, just having a creative and logical ally in the change process helps you to feel less alone, more supported, and even potentially excited about what the next chapter may bring.
For more examples of techniques you can use to help build up your ability to manage changes and transitions, visit AnxietyTools.com
Have you ever heard the saying, “The only thing that is constant thing is change”? It was said first by Heraclitus, about 2500 years ago- yet it still rings true today. Whether you’re relocating to a new city, finding or ending a relationship, or navigating a promotion or other job change, life is challenging you to adjust gracefully to something new. This blog outlines some of the common components of many phases of life’s transitions in work, dating, and life in general– with tips on how to make the most of each phase.
TRANSITION PHASE 1: PRE-CHANGE
Some changes take us completely by surprise, but oftentimes there are clear or subtle signals that change is afoot. The more we can increase our awareness of the coming change and how we feel about it, the better we can prepare. For example, if you are relocating to a new city and you’re nervous about finding a new circle of friends, the worst thing you can do is to try and pretend to yourself that you’re not worried about it. By acknowledging your concern, you empower yourself to take proactive steps like searching online to find a local art class (or tennis, or cooking, or whatever hobby you may have), alumni organization, or some other group where you can start building social connections. This applies to changes that are less defined as well: For example, if you have a feeling that your job situation might be in jeopardy due to pending layoffs or mergers, it’s best if you face that fear by proactively spending some time brushing up your resume, attend a few networking events, and possibly even requesting a frank discussion with your manager about where the company seems to be headed or regards your future within the organization. By remaining proactive and planful during the pre-change stage, we manage anxiety in a productive manner that promotes success rather than fear or stagnation.
TRANSITION PHASE 2: ACTIVE CHANGE
The change has arrived! To continue with the examples above, let’s say your relocation move date has arrived. It’s natural to feel a little nervous or overwhelmed, and it’s good to make emotional space for these feelings. Instead of trying to fight them, recognize that they often signal a healthy awareness that this change is important, and will require some extra attention and focus for the next few months. Even positive changes are often accompanied by a sense of sadness, because you’re mourning what’s left behind– so give yourself permission to process those feelings. This will empower you to take logical and supportive steps to manage those feelings, such as making “Skype dates” to catch up with friends or family from the city you left behind; or to go gently on yourself at that new tennis class you signed up for during Transition Phase 1 above.
If the change feels more sudden, such as the example above of feeling like your job might be in jeopardy and then somewhat suddenly having the change materialize when you’re called into the HR department, do yourself a favor by recognizing that the element of surprise can make any change feel more overwhelming at first. Just keeping this in mind can help put things into perspective. Basic things like remembering to breathe deeply and give yourself time to process the arrival of the change before taking too much action can really shape the way the change unfolds. For example, if your job is telling you about the layoff or merger and you’re taken completely by surprise, it’s often advisable to give yourself at least a few days to read and process any separation agreements, and then take a week to brainstorm ideas for next steps in your career. Calling in support is a great way to manage nearly all forms of change, especially sudden change- in this example, that could mean meeting with trusted friends or family members, a therapist, career mentors or even old professors with whom you have a good relationship, or your alumni organization’s career center (even if you’re far from your alumni city, many of them will make a phone or video appointment for alumni requesting career consultations). The key in either sudden or planned change is to make sure you give yourself time and space to process the emotions that arise, and then take logical steps to get appropriate guidance, support, or input.
TRANSITION PHASE 3: POST CHANGE
Once the first 2-3 weeks have passed, the “new normal” has begun to take shape. Habits are generally made around 28 days, so take this time to make sure you’re embarking on this new chapter in a way that feels healthy. Since you don’t have a crystal ball and probably couldn’t plan for every component of this change, you’re probably now aware of a few areas that need some attention. To continue with the relocation example above, you might find that although your new job and those tennis lessons are going well, and you’re enjoying Skype dates to reconnect with friends and family from your prior location, you just hadn’t fully anticipated the impact of living in a new culture (even just moving from one US city to another can have striking implications- Virginia vs New York City are very different places, much less moving to another country!), or you hadn’t completely realized how darn expensive your new city would be. Just like in Transition Phase 1, increasing your awareness of these issues rather than trying to “white knuckle” your way through them is the healthiest thing you can do. By recognizing the gaps, you empower yourself to find logical, personalized ways to fill them in through strategizing and self-care. So if you find yourself wrestling with unanticipated challenges, congratulate yourself on that awareness– and then think proactively about how you can mitigate the challenge.
REACHING OUT FOR SUPPORT
If you feel stuck in any of the phases above, consider a therapist to help guide you along. Whether it’s a romantic breakup, new responsibilities of a job promotion or the decision to create change by applying for graduate school, or the examples above of relocation or job loss, there’s always an upside to being proactive and planful about how you want to shape the way this change affects you. Oftentimes, just having a creative and logical ally in the change process helps you to feel less alone, more supported, and even potentially excited about what the next chapter may bring.
For more examples of techniques you can use to help build up your ability to manage changes and transitions, visit AnxietyTools.com
April 13, 2022
Are You a Defensive Pessimist?
Do you fixate upon potential presentation mishaps to the point where it becomes counterproductive? Read on.
Defensive pessimism is a tendency to think negatively about your current or future situation in order to avoid disappointment and keep yourself focused on areas for improvement.
In my clinical practice working with high-functioning clients, I’ve found that many successful people often exhibit defensive pessimism, and that it does facilitate success, at least to a certain degree. Defensive pessimism can be beneficial because it stimulates you to prepare for possible problems, and it helps you avoid getting grandiose ideas that leave you overly vulnerable to disappointment or embarrassment. On the other hand, excessive defensive pessimism can be detrimental to success because it can facilitate rumination or negative thought spirals, which can stifle motivation and decrease your ability to relax or celebrate victories.
Imagine you’re scheduled to do an important presentation at work. Your defensive pessimism kicks in, and you start to imagine all of the possible scenarios in which something could go wrong. You imagine yourself forgetting your speech, losing your voice, tripping on your way up to the front of the meeting room and unable to access your PowerPoint deck due to Wi-Fi issues. Healthy defensive pessimism might motivate you to take whatever precautions you can to ensure that none of these scenarios come to fruition. This could stimulate you to practice your presentation with friends and family to work out any kinks, do vocal exercises before the presentation to make sure you’re warmed up to speak and back up your PowerPoint on a flash drive to ensure access. These are all healthy and helpful behaviors that can actually be traced to healthy levels of defensive pessimism.
Alternatively, you may fixate upon potential presentation mishaps to the point where it becomes counterproductive. You may think, “If this presentation doesn’t go well, I will certainly get fired, and potential employers won’t hire me when they learned the reason why. Without a job I won’t be able to afford my rent, and I’ll get evicted.” This way of thinking is rarely helpful; negative thought spirals can lead to a decrease in preparatory behaviors because you’re dreaming up scenarios that are downright overwhelming. This can lead to an increase in anxiety symptoms, like difficulty sleeping or concentrating – manifestations that are hardly conducive to improved well-being or increased success.
How can we find the sweet spot of using enough defensive pessimism to stay on our toes, without overdoing it to the point of demotivation? Try the tips below:
1. Limit your concerns to what’s truly relevant. When you’re worried about tertiary consequences of hypothetical situations (i.e., “If the presentation doesn’t go well, I could get fired, and then I could lose my apartment”), it’s a sign that your defensive pessimism may be going into overdrive.
2. Balance defensive pessimism by cultivating appropriate positivity. If you have a tendency to go overboard with defensive pessimism, take time to deliberately focus on possible positive outcomes and celebrate your victories. For example, recognize that being asked to do an important presentation suggests that your boss likely sees you as capable and competent. Visualize yourself doing a great job thanks to your hard work and preparation.
3. Say your concerns aloud and/or write them down. Speaking and writing force us to put abstract worries into words, and this helps us to evaluate if our thoughts are actually rational. Ideally, you can discuss your concerns with a trusted confidante so that you can get emotional support and feedback about your concerns. Alternatively, writing your concerns on paper also helps you look at worries objectively and determine if they’re legitimate or irrational. If they’re legitimate concerns, take whatever logical step will help assuage them – this keeps you in a healthy, proactive state. If they’re irrational, let them go.
Defensive pessimism is a tendency to think negatively about your current or future situation in order to avoid disappointment and keep yourself focused on areas for improvement.
In my clinical practice working with high-functioning clients, I’ve found that many successful people often exhibit defensive pessimism, and that it does facilitate success, at least to a certain degree. Defensive pessimism can be beneficial because it stimulates you to prepare for possible problems, and it helps you avoid getting grandiose ideas that leave you overly vulnerable to disappointment or embarrassment. On the other hand, excessive defensive pessimism can be detrimental to success because it can facilitate rumination or negative thought spirals, which can stifle motivation and decrease your ability to relax or celebrate victories.
Imagine you’re scheduled to do an important presentation at work. Your defensive pessimism kicks in, and you start to imagine all of the possible scenarios in which something could go wrong. You imagine yourself forgetting your speech, losing your voice, tripping on your way up to the front of the meeting room and unable to access your PowerPoint deck due to Wi-Fi issues. Healthy defensive pessimism might motivate you to take whatever precautions you can to ensure that none of these scenarios come to fruition. This could stimulate you to practice your presentation with friends and family to work out any kinks, do vocal exercises before the presentation to make sure you’re warmed up to speak and back up your PowerPoint on a flash drive to ensure access. These are all healthy and helpful behaviors that can actually be traced to healthy levels of defensive pessimism.
Alternatively, you may fixate upon potential presentation mishaps to the point where it becomes counterproductive. You may think, “If this presentation doesn’t go well, I will certainly get fired, and potential employers won’t hire me when they learned the reason why. Without a job I won’t be able to afford my rent, and I’ll get evicted.” This way of thinking is rarely helpful; negative thought spirals can lead to a decrease in preparatory behaviors because you’re dreaming up scenarios that are downright overwhelming. This can lead to an increase in anxiety symptoms, like difficulty sleeping or concentrating – manifestations that are hardly conducive to improved well-being or increased success.
How can we find the sweet spot of using enough defensive pessimism to stay on our toes, without overdoing it to the point of demotivation? Try the tips below:
1. Limit your concerns to what’s truly relevant. When you’re worried about tertiary consequences of hypothetical situations (i.e., “If the presentation doesn’t go well, I could get fired, and then I could lose my apartment”), it’s a sign that your defensive pessimism may be going into overdrive.
2. Balance defensive pessimism by cultivating appropriate positivity. If you have a tendency to go overboard with defensive pessimism, take time to deliberately focus on possible positive outcomes and celebrate your victories. For example, recognize that being asked to do an important presentation suggests that your boss likely sees you as capable and competent. Visualize yourself doing a great job thanks to your hard work and preparation.
3. Say your concerns aloud and/or write them down. Speaking and writing force us to put abstract worries into words, and this helps us to evaluate if our thoughts are actually rational. Ideally, you can discuss your concerns with a trusted confidante so that you can get emotional support and feedback about your concerns. Alternatively, writing your concerns on paper also helps you look at worries objectively and determine if they’re legitimate or irrational. If they’re legitimate concerns, take whatever logical step will help assuage them – this keeps you in a healthy, proactive state. If they’re irrational, let them go.
April 8, 2022
A Surefire Way to Avoid Catching a Cold
A Surefire Way to Avoid Catching a Cold
Ever tried watching a video of a roller coaster from the front seat? Even though you’re watching remotely, your stomach “drops” as if you were actually there. In other words, a physical reaction is elicited just from the power of your mind focusing on a video.
This is a perfect example of the mind-body connection. Scientific research has shown that your mind and your emotions can affect your physical health. Conversely, a healthy body also leads to a better mood.
With cold and flu season upon us, we can use the body-mind connection to help avoid catching colds. While no one knows for sure why cold and flu season almost always arrives around this time of the year, one theory is that holiday stress and year-end deadlines leave us with weakened immune systems in January. By nurturing your body and your mind, you can stay healthy while everyone else is sick. Here are three things you can start doing to strengthen your body and your mind right now:
YOUR BODY
Get back on track.
If you’ve been putting off a doctor or dental visit, now is the time to make the appointment. If you’ve been eating a little too much junk food and have been skimping on sleep, do yourself a favor and make some changes.
De-stress with movement.
Whether you run, lift weights, or enjoy a dance class, exercise is the ultimate de-stressor. (Stress weakens your immune system, so it’s important to let it go.) As a former yoga teacher, I find yoga to be one of the best ways to work with the body-mind connection. Yoga teaches you to observe your body and notice how you feel, which facilitates good self-care. Good self-care reduces stress, boosting your immunity and therefore helping your body fight colds.
Slow down.
If you find yourself coming down with a cold or flu, resist the impulse to “power through.” Listen to your body. Consider taking a sick day to rest and recuperate if that’s what your body needs. A more moderate, even preventive choice would be to book a massage or other treatment that makes your body feel calm and nurtured.
YOUR MIND
Address your emotions.
It can be tempting to hole up at home and away from the cold in the winter. But lounging on the couch in sweatpants all day can also be a symptom of depression. If you notice you’re feeling low-energy, challenge yourself to pull out a journal during your time on the sofa. Write down the things that are stressing you out, and then jot down a self-care plan to give yourself some support. For example, if you write down that applying to grad school feels overwhelming, you might think of a self-care plan that involves breaking the process down into smaller parts. If you feel stuck, show the list to a counselor or trusted friend and ask for support. Problems usually feel smaller once we put them into perspective by making a plan or asking for guidance.
Indulge in simple pleasures.
Simple things that give you pleasure, like taking a brisk walk or setting aside time for reading, contribute to how your overall well-being. Prioritize your own needs and give yourself these little gifts daily.
Invest in yourself.
Most people know deep down whether they need to push themselves to become more active or give themselves permission to take a much-needed physical and mental break. If you’re not sure, consider asking your physician, a mental health counselor, a nutritionist, or other health or wellness professional — they are all connected, so start wherever feels best to you!
If you know you’d like some support but are hesitant because of the investment of time, money, or effort, consider that when you are healthy and balanced, you are more energized and actually better able to manage things like time and money. Investing in yourself is truly the most sound investment you can make.
Ever tried watching a video of a roller coaster from the front seat? Even though you’re watching remotely, your stomach “drops” as if you were actually there. In other words, a physical reaction is elicited just from the power of your mind focusing on a video.
This is a perfect example of the mind-body connection. Scientific research has shown that your mind and your emotions can affect your physical health. Conversely, a healthy body also leads to a better mood.
With cold and flu season upon us, we can use the body-mind connection to help avoid catching colds. While no one knows for sure why cold and flu season almost always arrives around this time of the year, one theory is that holiday stress and year-end deadlines leave us with weakened immune systems in January. By nurturing your body and your mind, you can stay healthy while everyone else is sick. Here are three things you can start doing to strengthen your body and your mind right now:
YOUR BODY
Get back on track.
If you’ve been putting off a doctor or dental visit, now is the time to make the appointment. If you’ve been eating a little too much junk food and have been skimping on sleep, do yourself a favor and make some changes.
De-stress with movement.
Whether you run, lift weights, or enjoy a dance class, exercise is the ultimate de-stressor. (Stress weakens your immune system, so it’s important to let it go.) As a former yoga teacher, I find yoga to be one of the best ways to work with the body-mind connection. Yoga teaches you to observe your body and notice how you feel, which facilitates good self-care. Good self-care reduces stress, boosting your immunity and therefore helping your body fight colds.
Slow down.
If you find yourself coming down with a cold or flu, resist the impulse to “power through.” Listen to your body. Consider taking a sick day to rest and recuperate if that’s what your body needs. A more moderate, even preventive choice would be to book a massage or other treatment that makes your body feel calm and nurtured.
YOUR MIND
Address your emotions.
It can be tempting to hole up at home and away from the cold in the winter. But lounging on the couch in sweatpants all day can also be a symptom of depression. If you notice you’re feeling low-energy, challenge yourself to pull out a journal during your time on the sofa. Write down the things that are stressing you out, and then jot down a self-care plan to give yourself some support. For example, if you write down that applying to grad school feels overwhelming, you might think of a self-care plan that involves breaking the process down into smaller parts. If you feel stuck, show the list to a counselor or trusted friend and ask for support. Problems usually feel smaller once we put them into perspective by making a plan or asking for guidance.
Indulge in simple pleasures.
Simple things that give you pleasure, like taking a brisk walk or setting aside time for reading, contribute to how your overall well-being. Prioritize your own needs and give yourself these little gifts daily.
Invest in yourself.
Most people know deep down whether they need to push themselves to become more active or give themselves permission to take a much-needed physical and mental break. If you’re not sure, consider asking your physician, a mental health counselor, a nutritionist, or other health or wellness professional — they are all connected, so start wherever feels best to you!
If you know you’d like some support but are hesitant because of the investment of time, money, or effort, consider that when you are healthy and balanced, you are more energized and actually better able to manage things like time and money. Investing in yourself is truly the most sound investment you can make.
April 1, 2022
Yoga Benefits
3 INCREDIBLE YOGA BENEFITS YOU’VE NEVER CONSIDERED
Yoga sometimes gets overlooked because it can seem too “trendy” of a workout to net you real results. But there’s a reason top achievers like LeBron James and Ariana Huffington follow this ancient practice, and the reason is this: Yoga isn’t just a workout — it’s an incredible way to work on yourself, body and mind, inside and out.
Unlike cardio and other workouts where you tune out during exercise, yoga takes you inward. It teaches you to consciously and deliberately direct your mind toward a goal, building clarity and inner strength. These three things are the key to success in any situation, whether it’s being yourself at a networking event or solving a business challenge.
Recent research affirms the life-changing power of yoga top performers have tapped into. If you’ve always thought of yoga as more of a second-rate workout, here are three research-backed reasons why I encourage you to reconsider:
1. YOGA CALMS ANXIETY, ESPECIALLY IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS.
A Queen’s University study published in 2014 in the journal PLOS ONE found that relaxation activities like yoga can help people with social anxiety.
Anxious people tend to focus on the threatening things in their environment. In fact, some researchers think that this is how these disorders are perpetuated: People who are anxious focus on anxiety-inducing things and thus become more anxious, in a perpetual cycle.
In the study, yoga helped teach these people to change their perception so that they view the environment in a less threatening, less negative way.
2. YOGA MAKES YOU THINK AND LEARN FASTER.
A recent University of Minnesota study, published in 2014 in the scientific journal Technology, found an impressive link between yoga and brain function: Participants with yoga or meditation experience were twice as likely to complete brain-computer interface tasks and learned new tasks three times faster than their counterparts.
In another study, published in 2013 in the journal Mindfulness, a George Mason University professor and a University of Illinois doctoral student found that mediation before class helped students get better grades. In their experiments, a random selection of students followed basic meditation instructions before a lecture, and were then given a quiz after the class. The students who meditated before the lecture scored better on the quiz than the students who did not meditate. In one experiment, the meditation even predicted which students passed and which students failed the quiz.
3. YOGA KEEPS YOUR CELLS YOUNG AND HEALTHY.
For the first time ever, researchers recently showed that practicing yoga and mindfulness meditation has a positive physical impact on a cellular level.
The Canadian study, published in November 2014 in the journal Cancer, involved breast cancer survivors and the measurement of their telomeres over a three-month period. Telomeres are protein complexes at the end of chromosomes, and shorter telomeres are associated with disease and cell aging. The study showed that those who regularly practiced yoga and mindfulness meditation had longer (healthier) telomeres at the end of the study than those who didn’t.
“We already know that psychosocial interventions like mindfulness meditation will help you feel better mentally, but now for the first time we have evidence that they can also influence key aspects of your biology,” said Dr. Linda E. Carlson, Ph.D., principal investigator and director of research in the Psychosocial Resources Department at the Tom Baker Cancer Centre in Calgary, Alberta.
And if this wasn’t enough, yoga has also been shown to help with a host of other physical ailments, from heart disease to multiple sclerosis.
MORE GOOD NEWS ON YOGA
The best part about yoga is that unlike other workouts, there are very few limitations to starting it. You don’t need to be fit, and you don’t even need a yoga mat! All you need is a commitment to give it one more try, no matter what your past experience with it.
Yoga sometimes gets overlooked because it can seem too “trendy” of a workout to net you real results. But there’s a reason top achievers like LeBron James and Ariana Huffington follow this ancient practice, and the reason is this: Yoga isn’t just a workout — it’s an incredible way to work on yourself, body and mind, inside and out.
Unlike cardio and other workouts where you tune out during exercise, yoga takes you inward. It teaches you to consciously and deliberately direct your mind toward a goal, building clarity and inner strength. These three things are the key to success in any situation, whether it’s being yourself at a networking event or solving a business challenge.
Recent research affirms the life-changing power of yoga top performers have tapped into. If you’ve always thought of yoga as more of a second-rate workout, here are three research-backed reasons why I encourage you to reconsider:
1. YOGA CALMS ANXIETY, ESPECIALLY IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS.
A Queen’s University study published in 2014 in the journal PLOS ONE found that relaxation activities like yoga can help people with social anxiety.
Anxious people tend to focus on the threatening things in their environment. In fact, some researchers think that this is how these disorders are perpetuated: People who are anxious focus on anxiety-inducing things and thus become more anxious, in a perpetual cycle.
In the study, yoga helped teach these people to change their perception so that they view the environment in a less threatening, less negative way.
2. YOGA MAKES YOU THINK AND LEARN FASTER.
A recent University of Minnesota study, published in 2014 in the scientific journal Technology, found an impressive link between yoga and brain function: Participants with yoga or meditation experience were twice as likely to complete brain-computer interface tasks and learned new tasks three times faster than their counterparts.
In another study, published in 2013 in the journal Mindfulness, a George Mason University professor and a University of Illinois doctoral student found that mediation before class helped students get better grades. In their experiments, a random selection of students followed basic meditation instructions before a lecture, and were then given a quiz after the class. The students who meditated before the lecture scored better on the quiz than the students who did not meditate. In one experiment, the meditation even predicted which students passed and which students failed the quiz.
3. YOGA KEEPS YOUR CELLS YOUNG AND HEALTHY.
For the first time ever, researchers recently showed that practicing yoga and mindfulness meditation has a positive physical impact on a cellular level.
The Canadian study, published in November 2014 in the journal Cancer, involved breast cancer survivors and the measurement of their telomeres over a three-month period. Telomeres are protein complexes at the end of chromosomes, and shorter telomeres are associated with disease and cell aging. The study showed that those who regularly practiced yoga and mindfulness meditation had longer (healthier) telomeres at the end of the study than those who didn’t.
“We already know that psychosocial interventions like mindfulness meditation will help you feel better mentally, but now for the first time we have evidence that they can also influence key aspects of your biology,” said Dr. Linda E. Carlson, Ph.D., principal investigator and director of research in the Psychosocial Resources Department at the Tom Baker Cancer Centre in Calgary, Alberta.
And if this wasn’t enough, yoga has also been shown to help with a host of other physical ailments, from heart disease to multiple sclerosis.
MORE GOOD NEWS ON YOGA
The best part about yoga is that unlike other workouts, there are very few limitations to starting it. You don’t need to be fit, and you don’t even need a yoga mat! All you need is a commitment to give it one more try, no matter what your past experience with it.
March 25, 2022
How To Deal With Toxic People (And Why You Really Need To)
In an ideal world, all of the people in your life would be helpful resources, willingly by your side to provide support, add joy, and keep you balanced. But let’s face it: We don’t live in an ideal world (if we did, I’d probably be out of a job!). Most of us will encounter at least one person in our day-to-day at some point in our lives who does the opposite. Someone who drains your energy, undermines you, puts you down. I’ve recently been asked to speak about the topic of “toxic people” by FOX5 here in New York, and while “toxic people” isn’t a clinical term… I think I sort of knew what they meant. Toxic people chip away at your mental health and overall wellbeing, and the longer they’re in your life, the more damaging their emotional footprint can be.
Here’s the good news: You don’t need to tolerate behavior you find unacceptable! In fact, it is not only your right but your responsibility to limit their role in your life or remove them from it entirely. If you’re labeling someone or something as “toxic”, it’s part of your duty of self-care to manage the situation carefully. Plus, keeping someone around whom you actually dislike because you’re “too nice” to be truthful with them or at least quit engaging with them isn’t doing them any favors, either: Letting the toxic dynamic continue without giving them feedback will only encourage them to pursue and maintain unhealthy relationships with others. Plus, it can be seen as a form passive aggression on your part if you consciously allow someone you actively dislike to continue becoming more vulnerable to you as they mistakenly persist in a misapprehension that you’re friends. So whether you’re dealing with a sorta-toxic coworker or a so-toxic-it’s-traumatic partner, a “frenemie” friend… or even a toxic family member, here’s a guide to help.
1. IDENTIFY THE PROBLEM
This sounds like such a “duh!” step, but it’s one we tend to skip because it requires getting very real. First, you have to finally acknowledge the source of toxicity. This person can be a friend, a romantic partner, a relative, a colleague—no one’s off limits. And there’s a spectrum, which I like to break into three levels:
Level 0: The NON-toxic person.
This is someone whom you may be accidentally mis-labeling as toxic. They may just have different values, beliefs, communication styles, or expectations than you. This person may even be a little intrusive or annoying, but this person is actually NOT really a “toxic person”. You’re just regarding them as toxic because you haven’t figured out how to set limits or communicate your needs with them. (Examples: A friend who always brings you down by constantly complaining about everything, yet you’ve never said to the friend, “Hey would you mind if we focus on the positives today? I’m trying to keep on the bright side here!” Or a friend who “bothers” you by calling waaay too often, yet you just keep blithely answering all their calls and carrying on unbearably mundane phone conversations without ever mentioning that you’re actually not a lover of long phone chats– how are they to know if you’ve never told them?)
Level 1: Mildly Toxic.
Someone who is basically harmless, but who regularly uses energy-draining interpersonal antics: They may have a markedly dismissive attitude, regularly make snide remarks, pester you to do (generally harmless) things like meet for coffee even when you’ve made it clear you’d rather not, constantly try to “one-up” you, or place unreasonable demands on your time (or money). You’ve tried having heart-to-hearts to see if you can agree on a more respectful way of relating, but the person just becomes angry, refuses to take any ownership, or seems like they “get it” but then continues the same pattern without any actual willingness to continue working on it.
In my experience, all of us are likely to encounter at least one person like this in our lifetime. If you’re anxious about setting limits, try to think of this as a “training ground” opportunity, since learning to set basic limits is an important life skill. You don’t have to do it perfectly, and yes the person might get a little upset- but that’s their right, and learning to express yourself in an assertive-yet-courteous way will take you far in life.
Level 2: Toxic
This moving beyond the Level 1 behaviors by violating boundaries in a more intense way. Someone who threatens to end the relationship whenever they don’t get their way, text-bombs you with angry and disrespectful messages over relatively little things (think ten text messages in an hour), or who finds other ways of objectively sabotaging your well-being (such as pressuring you to drink more than you’d like, or belittling your goals and ambitions) would be traversing from Level 1 to Level 2. They may ironically flip things around on you as well, such as playing the victim and lamenting that you have “thrown their friendship away” when actually all you’ve done is decline to respond to their abusive text message telling you they were “done with you”.
Such a person may also call you names when they’re angry, or say nasty things about your appearance; or disrespect your time or property (such as being unavailable to return items they’ve borrowed, constantly canceling or delaying plans moments before or even during the time you were supposed to meet, acting entitled to stay at your apartment or visit with you whenever they’re in town or it’s convenient for them even if you’ve explained it’s not a good weekend; or pressuring you to spend money on entertainment you’ve explained you can’t really afford).
Level 3: REALLY Toxic.
Being physically abusive, stealing from you, verbally threatening you, or doing other things that are so intense they’re actually oftentimes against the law to do to another person. This category is actually the shortest and simplest to describe, since there’s really no “grey area” about these things– they’re clearly easy to recognize as 100% toxic.
Moving forward from a Toxic Person
arguing-peopleOnce you’ve ID’d the problem, the next step is to consider why you’ve allowed this toxicity to exist in your life. Oftentimes, we keep toxic people around because they’ve been in our lives for so long, it feels like our only option is to accept their behavior and make peace with it (for the sake of your history together). Other times, we let them bully us, physically or emotionally, because we’re too scared to speak up or don’t know how to set and enforce boundaries. And other times still, we almost like the toxicity or drama, because it’s become something we’re used to and we prefer familiarity over the unknown.
Repeat after me: None of these are good enough reasons to keep a toxic person around. Ready to set some boundaries? Read on!
2. TAKE ACTION
The best way to know if someone who you think is toxic is actually toxic—as in, unwilling to fix their behavior in order to improve the relationship—is to give them a real chance to change their behavior. Initiate a chat about what’s been going on—if they only respond with more toxicity from the get-go, that can actually help give you the clarity you need to move forward (possibly without them!).
Many of the clients in my practice are dealing with non-toxic or just mildly toxic behaviors, and honestly I think those can ironically be some of the most difficult to navigate— when someone is clearly being abusive, it’s actually easier to cut them out of your life. On the other hand, when someone is just a little manipulative or a “drama queen”, more nuanced strategies are sometimes helpful. Here are a few to get you started:
For a friendship you’ve outgrown:
“I feel like things have changed in my life since when we first met many years ago, and I’m no longer interested in X. If you want to change with me, awesome. If not, I just want you to understand why there might be some distance as we move forward and possibly grow apart.”
For someone who seems constantly down on you:
“For all of the negative things you say to me these days, I’m starting to wonder if you really get that much pleasure from hanging out with me; and honestly it doesn’t feel great to me either, since you seem to disagree with so many basic things about me. You have a right to your opinion on my hair/ weight/ job/ life, but I’m just not sure it’s healthy for either of us to continue spending so much time together if you find so many things about me to be so bothersome to you, especially since the things that bother you are not things I have any plan or interest in changing… and even if I did, I still wouldn’t appreciate feeling like it’s always open-season for commentary about my issues.”
For someone who constantly guilts you for not being able to spend as much time together as they’d like:
“I really value all of our memories together and I don’t want there to be any hard feelings, but I don’t think I can live up to your expectations as they are now. There’s nothing wrong with what you seem to want in terms of a friend who is always able to return same-day texts and visit on a weekly basis, but there’s also nothing wrong with someone like me who is only open for less frequent contact for whatever reason. Could we talk about what we both seem to need and then see if we still think this makes sense for both of us? No hard feelings either way, I just think it’s best if we can be open with each other about whatever the situation is.”
For Level 2 toxic behaviors:
Remember: You always have the right to end a relationship. But if you’d like to try setting some firmer limits instead of ending the relationship, you might try something like,
“I need to talk with you about something important: I’ve realized that I’ve allowed certain things to happen in our relationship that are actually really unhealthy for me, and I want you to know I’ve realized it’s my responsibility to stop allowing those things if I find them unacceptable. I may never have told you this, but when you do X it affects me in the following way: ______. So, next time X happens, I will (end our visit, block your texts for a while, stop chasing after you, put some distance between us, or whatever response seems logical– if you need help thinking of what’s logical, feel free to ask a trusted friend, therapist, or coach!).
For a Level 3 toxic person:
In many cases, it’s best to cut off contact with someone like this– and please remember you always have the option to do this if you wish, no matter whom the person is– but in situations such as an adult child or a family member who is struggling with addiction, we may sometimes decide that we’d prefer to learn hard boundaries instead (ie “You can stay in my life and we can interact when you’re sober, but if you steal from me I will call the police; and if you call me any names whatsoever our visit will end immediately.” or “I’ll visit with you, but only when someone else I trust is present; and if you become physically aggressive I will call the police.”). Please seek a professional or call 911 if you need help at any point!
Many people in my office fear conversations like the ones above because they’re afraid of upsetting the person. They often feel better when they remember that actually, if the toxic person gets really mad and ends the relationship, guess what? They just made things easier on you. I know it’s tough, but at least you’ve freed yourself from the toxicity—and the charade of a healthy relationship. You’ve now made more time for all the other genuine and healthy connections in your life—go, you!
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Okay, Dr. Chloe, it’s not always that simple. What do I do if the toxic person is someone I can’t cut out—like, you know, my mother-in-law?” And that’s a great Q. First, be sure to schedule in some time for self-love whenever you have to be around that person, since being around crazy can make you feel kinda crazy (you know what I mean). Try scheduling a massage or dinner with your best friends to happen shortly after the visit, since they’ll help keep you grounded and give you a chance to unpack whatever happened.
Here’s the good news: You don’t need to tolerate behavior you find unacceptable! In fact, it is not only your right but your responsibility to limit their role in your life or remove them from it entirely. If you’re labeling someone or something as “toxic”, it’s part of your duty of self-care to manage the situation carefully. Plus, keeping someone around whom you actually dislike because you’re “too nice” to be truthful with them or at least quit engaging with them isn’t doing them any favors, either: Letting the toxic dynamic continue without giving them feedback will only encourage them to pursue and maintain unhealthy relationships with others. Plus, it can be seen as a form passive aggression on your part if you consciously allow someone you actively dislike to continue becoming more vulnerable to you as they mistakenly persist in a misapprehension that you’re friends. So whether you’re dealing with a sorta-toxic coworker or a so-toxic-it’s-traumatic partner, a “frenemie” friend… or even a toxic family member, here’s a guide to help.
1. IDENTIFY THE PROBLEM
This sounds like such a “duh!” step, but it’s one we tend to skip because it requires getting very real. First, you have to finally acknowledge the source of toxicity. This person can be a friend, a romantic partner, a relative, a colleague—no one’s off limits. And there’s a spectrum, which I like to break into three levels:
Level 0: The NON-toxic person.
This is someone whom you may be accidentally mis-labeling as toxic. They may just have different values, beliefs, communication styles, or expectations than you. This person may even be a little intrusive or annoying, but this person is actually NOT really a “toxic person”. You’re just regarding them as toxic because you haven’t figured out how to set limits or communicate your needs with them. (Examples: A friend who always brings you down by constantly complaining about everything, yet you’ve never said to the friend, “Hey would you mind if we focus on the positives today? I’m trying to keep on the bright side here!” Or a friend who “bothers” you by calling waaay too often, yet you just keep blithely answering all their calls and carrying on unbearably mundane phone conversations without ever mentioning that you’re actually not a lover of long phone chats– how are they to know if you’ve never told them?)
Level 1: Mildly Toxic.
Someone who is basically harmless, but who regularly uses energy-draining interpersonal antics: They may have a markedly dismissive attitude, regularly make snide remarks, pester you to do (generally harmless) things like meet for coffee even when you’ve made it clear you’d rather not, constantly try to “one-up” you, or place unreasonable demands on your time (or money). You’ve tried having heart-to-hearts to see if you can agree on a more respectful way of relating, but the person just becomes angry, refuses to take any ownership, or seems like they “get it” but then continues the same pattern without any actual willingness to continue working on it.
In my experience, all of us are likely to encounter at least one person like this in our lifetime. If you’re anxious about setting limits, try to think of this as a “training ground” opportunity, since learning to set basic limits is an important life skill. You don’t have to do it perfectly, and yes the person might get a little upset- but that’s their right, and learning to express yourself in an assertive-yet-courteous way will take you far in life.
Level 2: Toxic
This moving beyond the Level 1 behaviors by violating boundaries in a more intense way. Someone who threatens to end the relationship whenever they don’t get their way, text-bombs you with angry and disrespectful messages over relatively little things (think ten text messages in an hour), or who finds other ways of objectively sabotaging your well-being (such as pressuring you to drink more than you’d like, or belittling your goals and ambitions) would be traversing from Level 1 to Level 2. They may ironically flip things around on you as well, such as playing the victim and lamenting that you have “thrown their friendship away” when actually all you’ve done is decline to respond to their abusive text message telling you they were “done with you”.
Such a person may also call you names when they’re angry, or say nasty things about your appearance; or disrespect your time or property (such as being unavailable to return items they’ve borrowed, constantly canceling or delaying plans moments before or even during the time you were supposed to meet, acting entitled to stay at your apartment or visit with you whenever they’re in town or it’s convenient for them even if you’ve explained it’s not a good weekend; or pressuring you to spend money on entertainment you’ve explained you can’t really afford).
Level 3: REALLY Toxic.
Being physically abusive, stealing from you, verbally threatening you, or doing other things that are so intense they’re actually oftentimes against the law to do to another person. This category is actually the shortest and simplest to describe, since there’s really no “grey area” about these things– they’re clearly easy to recognize as 100% toxic.
Moving forward from a Toxic Person
arguing-peopleOnce you’ve ID’d the problem, the next step is to consider why you’ve allowed this toxicity to exist in your life. Oftentimes, we keep toxic people around because they’ve been in our lives for so long, it feels like our only option is to accept their behavior and make peace with it (for the sake of your history together). Other times, we let them bully us, physically or emotionally, because we’re too scared to speak up or don’t know how to set and enforce boundaries. And other times still, we almost like the toxicity or drama, because it’s become something we’re used to and we prefer familiarity over the unknown.
Repeat after me: None of these are good enough reasons to keep a toxic person around. Ready to set some boundaries? Read on!
2. TAKE ACTION
The best way to know if someone who you think is toxic is actually toxic—as in, unwilling to fix their behavior in order to improve the relationship—is to give them a real chance to change their behavior. Initiate a chat about what’s been going on—if they only respond with more toxicity from the get-go, that can actually help give you the clarity you need to move forward (possibly without them!).
Many of the clients in my practice are dealing with non-toxic or just mildly toxic behaviors, and honestly I think those can ironically be some of the most difficult to navigate— when someone is clearly being abusive, it’s actually easier to cut them out of your life. On the other hand, when someone is just a little manipulative or a “drama queen”, more nuanced strategies are sometimes helpful. Here are a few to get you started:
For a friendship you’ve outgrown:
“I feel like things have changed in my life since when we first met many years ago, and I’m no longer interested in X. If you want to change with me, awesome. If not, I just want you to understand why there might be some distance as we move forward and possibly grow apart.”
For someone who seems constantly down on you:
“For all of the negative things you say to me these days, I’m starting to wonder if you really get that much pleasure from hanging out with me; and honestly it doesn’t feel great to me either, since you seem to disagree with so many basic things about me. You have a right to your opinion on my hair/ weight/ job/ life, but I’m just not sure it’s healthy for either of us to continue spending so much time together if you find so many things about me to be so bothersome to you, especially since the things that bother you are not things I have any plan or interest in changing… and even if I did, I still wouldn’t appreciate feeling like it’s always open-season for commentary about my issues.”
For someone who constantly guilts you for not being able to spend as much time together as they’d like:
“I really value all of our memories together and I don’t want there to be any hard feelings, but I don’t think I can live up to your expectations as they are now. There’s nothing wrong with what you seem to want in terms of a friend who is always able to return same-day texts and visit on a weekly basis, but there’s also nothing wrong with someone like me who is only open for less frequent contact for whatever reason. Could we talk about what we both seem to need and then see if we still think this makes sense for both of us? No hard feelings either way, I just think it’s best if we can be open with each other about whatever the situation is.”
For Level 2 toxic behaviors:
Remember: You always have the right to end a relationship. But if you’d like to try setting some firmer limits instead of ending the relationship, you might try something like,
“I need to talk with you about something important: I’ve realized that I’ve allowed certain things to happen in our relationship that are actually really unhealthy for me, and I want you to know I’ve realized it’s my responsibility to stop allowing those things if I find them unacceptable. I may never have told you this, but when you do X it affects me in the following way: ______. So, next time X happens, I will (end our visit, block your texts for a while, stop chasing after you, put some distance between us, or whatever response seems logical– if you need help thinking of what’s logical, feel free to ask a trusted friend, therapist, or coach!).
For a Level 3 toxic person:
In many cases, it’s best to cut off contact with someone like this– and please remember you always have the option to do this if you wish, no matter whom the person is– but in situations such as an adult child or a family member who is struggling with addiction, we may sometimes decide that we’d prefer to learn hard boundaries instead (ie “You can stay in my life and we can interact when you’re sober, but if you steal from me I will call the police; and if you call me any names whatsoever our visit will end immediately.” or “I’ll visit with you, but only when someone else I trust is present; and if you become physically aggressive I will call the police.”). Please seek a professional or call 911 if you need help at any point!
Many people in my office fear conversations like the ones above because they’re afraid of upsetting the person. They often feel better when they remember that actually, if the toxic person gets really mad and ends the relationship, guess what? They just made things easier on you. I know it’s tough, but at least you’ve freed yourself from the toxicity—and the charade of a healthy relationship. You’ve now made more time for all the other genuine and healthy connections in your life—go, you!
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Okay, Dr. Chloe, it’s not always that simple. What do I do if the toxic person is someone I can’t cut out—like, you know, my mother-in-law?” And that’s a great Q. First, be sure to schedule in some time for self-love whenever you have to be around that person, since being around crazy can make you feel kinda crazy (you know what I mean). Try scheduling a massage or dinner with your best friends to happen shortly after the visit, since they’ll help keep you grounded and give you a chance to unpack whatever happened.
March 18, 2022
Let Go of Old Ways of Being
What Holds You Back Professionally? Let It Go
Have you “always” had a fear of public speaking, “always” been late, or “always” had other habits that you feel hold you back professionally?
Did you know that many of these issues can often be changed rather quickly if you realize they are not permanent physical features but simply the product of old cognitive habits?
Realizing that you don’t have to continue being a certain way “just because that’s always how it’s been” is a very liberating experience.
Many people are afraid to declare intentions to change because they’re afraid of failing. But refusing to believe in your ability to change practically guarantees you’ll stay stuck in the old habits.
If you really want to change old habits that you feel have been holding you back, follow these steps:
1. Name two to three changes that you’d really like to make at work, and then choose to start with the one that feels the most manageable.
2. Choose a small way to demonstrate a commitment to making that change. For example, you might decide to be on time for a particular weekly meeting from now on or speak up at least once during that weekly meeting.
3. Brainstorm practical steps you can take to help you make the change. You can read a book on the subject, write reminders in your calendar, see a coach, or take a Toastmasters class, for example. Do whatever you need to do to keep your focus and take back your right to be in charge of your own behavior.
The beauty of taking action to improve yourself in the context of professional goals is that oftentimes, the costs associated with your efforts are even tax-deductible. If you’re trying to keep costs low, consider asking a friend to have a weekly accountability call with you so you can get free support in your efforts. With consistency and practice, you’ll be on your way to undoing those old habits and replacing them with ones that serve you better.
What habits do you wish you could change? Tweet me @DrChloe_, and I’ll give you my advice.
Have you “always” had a fear of public speaking, “always” been late, or “always” had other habits that you feel hold you back professionally?
Did you know that many of these issues can often be changed rather quickly if you realize they are not permanent physical features but simply the product of old cognitive habits?
Realizing that you don’t have to continue being a certain way “just because that’s always how it’s been” is a very liberating experience.
Many people are afraid to declare intentions to change because they’re afraid of failing. But refusing to believe in your ability to change practically guarantees you’ll stay stuck in the old habits.
If you really want to change old habits that you feel have been holding you back, follow these steps:
1. Name two to three changes that you’d really like to make at work, and then choose to start with the one that feels the most manageable.
2. Choose a small way to demonstrate a commitment to making that change. For example, you might decide to be on time for a particular weekly meeting from now on or speak up at least once during that weekly meeting.
3. Brainstorm practical steps you can take to help you make the change. You can read a book on the subject, write reminders in your calendar, see a coach, or take a Toastmasters class, for example. Do whatever you need to do to keep your focus and take back your right to be in charge of your own behavior.
The beauty of taking action to improve yourself in the context of professional goals is that oftentimes, the costs associated with your efforts are even tax-deductible. If you’re trying to keep costs low, consider asking a friend to have a weekly accountability call with you so you can get free support in your efforts. With consistency and practice, you’ll be on your way to undoing those old habits and replacing them with ones that serve you better.
What habits do you wish you could change? Tweet me @DrChloe_, and I’ll give you my advice.
March 11, 2022
Let Go of Interpersonal Office Tension
A Simple Trick to Let Go of Interpersonal Tension at the Office
Ever felt unfairly passed over for a promotion? Snubbed by a co-worker? Let down in a group project? While the office is full of opportunities to get ahead, personality conflicts with difficult co-workers can hold you back, draining your energy and distracting you from your goals.
Do yourself a favor and bury the hatchet on old grudges at the office. These conflicts only add stress and anxiety to your life, and they’re not worth wasting a precious moment of your energy on.
Of course, if someone is genuinely harassing you or keeping you from doing your job, then you should take other steps, like escalating the issue to HR or finding ways to work around them. But if it’s really just a personality conflict or residual tension from past incidents, then do yourself a favor and learn to let go.
How do you get out of the old rut of irritation, you ask? Try this trick, which many of my clients have found success with:
3 Steps to Let Go of Interpersonal Tension at the Office
1. Jot down a few of the most irritating qualities of your work nemesis. Really get yourself in touch with why and how they annoy you so much– don’t hold back! This is your chance to vent and get it all out.
2. Then, for each negative point you listed, challenge yourself to list three things that are actually likable about the person. It can be anything from a charming smile to a simple fact like they are at least always on time with work assignments. If you can’t find three things you like about the person, then at least list five things you have in common with the person. Focusing on what we have in common helps us to build bridges and work as a productive team, which is really your bottom line goal in the workplace.
3. Next time you see the person, mentally challenge yourself to recall the items on your list. This gives your brain a little game to distract itself from whatever is irritating you. The game’s focus on commonalities and likable qualities will boost your ability to build a bridge and work together with the person, which is really your bottom-line goal when trying to get things done at the office.
It may feel unnatural to practice this trick at first, since you’re not used to associating this person with any positive thoughts. But challenge yourself to keep trying this proven technique on a daily basis. Remember, you’re doing this as a favor for yourself, not them. The goal is not to become best friends with the person, but to remove the tension so it doesn’t chip away at your peace of mind and distract you from your goal of a smooth and productive workday.
Ever felt unfairly passed over for a promotion? Snubbed by a co-worker? Let down in a group project? While the office is full of opportunities to get ahead, personality conflicts with difficult co-workers can hold you back, draining your energy and distracting you from your goals.
Do yourself a favor and bury the hatchet on old grudges at the office. These conflicts only add stress and anxiety to your life, and they’re not worth wasting a precious moment of your energy on.
Of course, if someone is genuinely harassing you or keeping you from doing your job, then you should take other steps, like escalating the issue to HR or finding ways to work around them. But if it’s really just a personality conflict or residual tension from past incidents, then do yourself a favor and learn to let go.
How do you get out of the old rut of irritation, you ask? Try this trick, which many of my clients have found success with:
3 Steps to Let Go of Interpersonal Tension at the Office
1. Jot down a few of the most irritating qualities of your work nemesis. Really get yourself in touch with why and how they annoy you so much– don’t hold back! This is your chance to vent and get it all out.
2. Then, for each negative point you listed, challenge yourself to list three things that are actually likable about the person. It can be anything from a charming smile to a simple fact like they are at least always on time with work assignments. If you can’t find three things you like about the person, then at least list five things you have in common with the person. Focusing on what we have in common helps us to build bridges and work as a productive team, which is really your bottom line goal in the workplace.
3. Next time you see the person, mentally challenge yourself to recall the items on your list. This gives your brain a little game to distract itself from whatever is irritating you. The game’s focus on commonalities and likable qualities will boost your ability to build a bridge and work together with the person, which is really your bottom-line goal when trying to get things done at the office.
It may feel unnatural to practice this trick at first, since you’re not used to associating this person with any positive thoughts. But challenge yourself to keep trying this proven technique on a daily basis. Remember, you’re doing this as a favor for yourself, not them. The goal is not to become best friends with the person, but to remove the tension so it doesn’t chip away at your peace of mind and distract you from your goal of a smooth and productive workday.
March 4, 2022
"What Does Your Tax Style Say About You? "
Do you sometimes get stuck on decision making? While it’s great to have options, there is a hidden burden: the responsibility of actually making a choice! Whether you’re trying to choose between two jobs, two romances, or even two vacation destinations, it’s normal to realize that there are great qualities about both options– and this can make it hard to decide. As a clinical psychologist, I can assure you that thinking carefully make sense up to a certain point, but taking too long on any one particular decision can lead to fatigue, frustration, and poor decisions. Thank goodness there is an easy technique to help with decision making!
THE TOGGLE TECHNIQUE
The toggle technique is good for important decisions where you feel stuck between two options. You’ve done a pros/cons list, you’ve thought about both options carefully, and you’re still unsure. Sometimes we need to get beyond the intellect and into our “gut feeling” to make the best choice. Here’s how:
Get Centered: Find a quiet space and do a couple of deep breaths to warm up. Close your eyes to block out distractions.
Dive In: Imagine that you’ve totally committed to one of your choices– we’ll call that choice Option A for the sake of simplicity. For about thirty seconds, silently pretend that you’ve decided to choose Option A. Notice how it feels in your body. For example, do you feel a sinking sensation in your stomach? Or a positive, energized feeling that’s more like butterflies in your stomach?
Toggle: Once you have explored how Option A feels, mentally toggle over to Option B and pretend for approximately thirty seconds that you’ve chosen this option. Notice how it feels emotionally, and notice if you have any bodyfelt reactions. For example, do you feel a warm, uplifted feeling in your chest or a sense of bristling and tightening in your chest?
Go with your gut: Compare how it felt to choose each option, and give yourself permission to choose the one that really felt best on an emotional and body-felt level. Many times, clients in my practice who are struggling with an important choice are surprised to see how much easier it is to choose when they allow themselves to see how they actually feel about the choices.
The Toggle Technique works best when you have analyzed a situation intellectually but you’re still not sure which one really feels best. It is not a replacement for doing a pros/cons list, talking choices over with trusted sources of support, or doing other research to help you understand your options. The unconscious mind and/or the body often feel things that our intellect can’t quite grasp. Your reactions to the toggle technique can help you to access the intuitive part of yourself. The Toggle Technique frees you from “analysis paralysis” and gets you in touch with the choice that is really right for you. Why not give it a try? It only takes a moment, it’s free, and it has worked for many clients in my practice: saying yes on the Toggle Technique is an easy choice to make!
https://youtu.be/JkHSXYw8Kwo
THE TOGGLE TECHNIQUE
The toggle technique is good for important decisions where you feel stuck between two options. You’ve done a pros/cons list, you’ve thought about both options carefully, and you’re still unsure. Sometimes we need to get beyond the intellect and into our “gut feeling” to make the best choice. Here’s how:
Get Centered: Find a quiet space and do a couple of deep breaths to warm up. Close your eyes to block out distractions.
Dive In: Imagine that you’ve totally committed to one of your choices– we’ll call that choice Option A for the sake of simplicity. For about thirty seconds, silently pretend that you’ve decided to choose Option A. Notice how it feels in your body. For example, do you feel a sinking sensation in your stomach? Or a positive, energized feeling that’s more like butterflies in your stomach?
Toggle: Once you have explored how Option A feels, mentally toggle over to Option B and pretend for approximately thirty seconds that you’ve chosen this option. Notice how it feels emotionally, and notice if you have any bodyfelt reactions. For example, do you feel a warm, uplifted feeling in your chest or a sense of bristling and tightening in your chest?
Go with your gut: Compare how it felt to choose each option, and give yourself permission to choose the one that really felt best on an emotional and body-felt level. Many times, clients in my practice who are struggling with an important choice are surprised to see how much easier it is to choose when they allow themselves to see how they actually feel about the choices.
The Toggle Technique works best when you have analyzed a situation intellectually but you’re still not sure which one really feels best. It is not a replacement for doing a pros/cons list, talking choices over with trusted sources of support, or doing other research to help you understand your options. The unconscious mind and/or the body often feel things that our intellect can’t quite grasp. Your reactions to the toggle technique can help you to access the intuitive part of yourself. The Toggle Technique frees you from “analysis paralysis” and gets you in touch with the choice that is really right for you. Why not give it a try? It only takes a moment, it’s free, and it has worked for many clients in my practice: saying yes on the Toggle Technique is an easy choice to make!
https://youtu.be/JkHSXYw8Kwo
