Alisa Bowman's Blog

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Dear friends,

After nine years, 868 posts, and more than 20,000 comments, ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com will come to an end by the close of August.

I’ve learned so much from all of you, and I thank you for that. Your comments and emails have opened my eyes and taught me so much. When I was disillusioned, you helped me to find clarity. When I was depressed, you cheered me up.

When I was suffering with dry skin, you sent me handmade lotions.

When my coffee maker broke, you sent me an Aeropress.

I could go on, but the point is this: You all rock. You seriously do.

I’ve had the wonderful opportunity to meet many of you over the years and now feel blessed to call some of you my friends.

At the same time, it’s not easy to maintain a blog. Every single day, spammers leave hundreds of silly comments that no one wants to read. When I don’t remove the spam fast enough, someone chews me out about it. I have been stalked. I have been called names that I will not repeat, and it all costs money (about $150 a month for hosting and e-newsletter fees).

But the real reason I am calling it quits is this: my priorities have shifted. When I started this site, I was filled with inspiration. Every single day, I felt driven to write posts about marriage, and I wrote them from a very personal place. Lately, however, I’ve become a much more private person. I just can’t justify dragging my family through the muck of the Internet.

But I dismantle this site with some regrets. One of them is that four close friends recently wrote awesome books, and I told all of them that I would post about them here. I never got around to writing about any of them. Bad me. Make me feel better about myself by checking them out. Here are my teasers for each.

How is it possible to live in 480 square feet without ditching your spouse or, at the very least, getting in a daily fight about whose stuff goes where? Kerri Fivecoat-Campbell has the answer.
What do you do if your parent is a narcissist? Meredith Resnick will tell you.
Can Chinese Philosophy teach you anything about the good life? Christine Gross-Loh says it definitely can.
How do you raise a child with a strong immune system? And which vaccines does your child need? Jennifer Margulis offers a unique take.

There. Guilt be gone.

Well, almost.

Here’s another regret. I don’t want to say goodbye. You all have become dear to me. (Well, with the exception of the people who call me names and tell me that my writing is worse than cheap toilet paper). I’d love for you to keep in touch. You can find me on Facebook and Twitter. I encourage you to like and follow me so we can continue the conversation that we started here.

Alisa 
 
PS. Here’s a photo I took on my vacation. I hope it brings you a sense of awe.

 

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide.
Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

Related posts:
The Affection-Starved Marriage
Crazy Half-Baked Insights About Lasting Love
Save Your Marriage: 5 Risks to Take Before It’s Too Late

              Related StoriesWhat a Book Can Teach You About Taking a BathRelationship Rescue: What to Do When You No Longer ConnectWhere Has All The Empathy Gone? 

I must confess something. When psychologist Paulette Sherman, PsyD., asked me to review The Book of Sacred Baths, it made me wonder if adults still took baths. I suppose this says something about me, doesn’t it? In case I need to spell it out, it says this: I haven’t taken a bath in a really long time. 

So I posted about it on my Facebook page, where I suggested that baths were for babies and Victorian women. For the rest of us, there was the shower and, if we’re fortunate, the hot tub at the gym. I heard from a number of people who told me that they seriously could not live without a daily soak. Could. Not. Live. Without. For these women, a nightly bath was what kept them going. Without that bath? They would have walked out on their spouses, children and jobs long ago.

It got me thinking. Just as there are dog or cat people and beer or wine people, maybe the world was split into bath or shower people. And maybe if more shower people like me took baths, there would be world peace, you know?

So I decided that I needed to read Paulette’s book, just to see what I am missing. But, seriously: did I really need a book to help me figure out how to take a bath? How hard could it possibly be?

Did I mention that it had been years since I’d taken a bath, so many years that I couldn’t remember the last time? More important our bath tub doubles as our shower and I honestly don’t remember the last time we really cleaned it. Plus, we lost the little stopper years ago. It seems I need a how-to manual. I really do.

So I told Paulette I’d take a look.

And let me tell you: You don’t have to be a bath person to know that her book is pretty dang awesome. She offers dozens of bathing rituals to help you unwind, find love, release anger, fall back in love, and feel good about your body. There’s even a bath for vitalizing your feminine power. Every woman I know needs that bath, am I right? She offers a prescription for each bath, complete with a meditation, suggested candle to burn in the bathroom, and series of essential oils.

It’s a must have, especially for bath people.

As for me, I never got around to buying a stopper, which kind of makes filling the bathtub somewhat impossible. But I did get around to asking Paulette a few questions.

Q: How does someone turn their bathroom into a sacred space? For example, I live with a husband and 12 year old son, and we all share the same bathroom. Our bathtub is also our shower, and it’s a small space. It’s your typical home built in the 1950s — nothing fancy. To me, it doesn’t feel sacred or like a place I could relax and let go. What could I do to change this?

Paulette: I live with my husband, 8 year old son and my 5 year old daughter in an apartment with one small bathroom.  This is where I take my sacred baths and where I wrote this book.  This one bathroom is also the only toilet and shower.  So, I definitely understand the challenges for a working mom in this situation.  However, it can be done and you will be the better for it.

This became the one sacred time for myself and I was determined to make it work.  So, even when my kids were a bit younger I let them know not to disturb mommy for 25 mins when I was in the bath.  They would watch TV and ask daddy for help or only get me in an emergency.  I even started out with a Do Not Disturb…Bathing sign as a physical reminder on the doorknob.  I would ask everybody if they needed to go to the bathroom before I’d go in, and I still do.


Also, I should mention that our tub was small and not too pretty.  We own our apartment and were allowed to change it but I was quoted 20K to put in a small claw foot tub and to redo the small bathroom so we decided to reglaze our existing tub and tile instead for $1100 so that it looked clean and new.  I understand that if you don’t own your bathroom you may be stuck with whatever you have and that’s perfectly fine.  I did my sacred baths with the old version for a year and it worked the same.  Ultimately, this is about inner transformative work, not outside cosmetics.  Your intention and consciousness are the key things in the shifting of your energy and what you attract.


Now, besides your actual bathtub, you can do other things to create sacred space.  You can burn sage, Palo Santo wood, incense or use a beautiful air spray to clear the space or energy in your bathroom.  You can play beautiful music or hang a picture of your favorite Goddess or something that inspires you.  I ordered a decal of a muse-like woman in water that I got on Etsy (under $30) to put on my bathroom wall.  You can get a mermaid shower curtain or whatever makes you smile.  I also recommend quickly putting dirty towels in the hamper and using a nontoxic cleanser like Seventh Generation to wipe down your tub with a washcloth.  I know this can sound like a lot but you only decorate once and the rest of this never takes me more than 25 minutes, including the set-up and ritual.  You deserve that time.


Q: Your book mentions essential oils, candles and meditations/visualizations that can be paired with a bath for different kinds of goals. If someone is on a tight budget, are all of these things absolutely necessary? And could you suggest a basic, low cost, low fuss starter kit for people who think they may want to try the idea of a sacred bath, but are not quite ready to completely jump in? 


Paulette: If you’re on a tight budget, don’t let that stop you from taking sacred baths.  I do say in my book that you do not have to buy such an extensive list of essential oils and crystals.  You can definitely start wherever you are.  I tried to write a deep, layered book that would appeal to the spiritual seeker at all levels, including initiates and masters.  Some Llewellyn readers want in depth knowledge of essential oils and crystals and what they attract, so I included this in the book.  The use of certain essential oils and crystals in each bath recipe do enhance and support your intention and they energetically help to build the thought form.  So, if you want to take a bath for relaxation, Lavender essential oil has that energy and Frankincense essential oil can be spiritually grounding, while a Celestite crystal can be good to release your stress.  There is a meditation, visualization and prayer to release stress and these other elements support that intention.


Having said this, when I first started taking these sacred baths, I just used Lavender and Rose essential oils, a small white candle, Epsom salt and a quartz crystal (which can magnify all of your intentions) in my baths.  So, this would be a good starter kit that you could order on Amazon and it would come right to your door or mailbox.  It’s easy, cheap and fast.  The most important thing about sacred baths is making the time to get still and to connect to your Spirit and to fill up with love and wisdom.  Your angels, your Higher Self and Divine Mother don’t care what color candle you have.  You can gain mental clarity, increase your creative ideas, get guidance and embody love and peace by shifting your energy and consciousness in your sacred bath and that’s what is most important.

 Q: Could you suggest one really simple thing readers can try today to show them how relaxing sacred bathing is and why they absolutely need your book?

Paulette: I would suggest picking an intention for a sacred bath, for example Self-Love and to use this time as a place then to release all stress, negativity, lower thoughts, emotions and beliefs and to allow yourself with unconditional love and peace and to ask whether Divine Mother or your Higher Self has any messages for you.  This can help you to view your life from a higher perspective.  You can visualize yourself as a divine vessel or a chalice, overflowing with love so it benefits you and others as you go through your day.  Sometimes we need a reset ritual where we love ourselves and refuel with positivity before we go back there.  This can affect the type of mother you are, the kind of worker or even the way you treat yourself.

To learn more about the benefits of sacred bathing you can visit my website: www.sacredbathing.com.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide.
Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

Related posts:
Save Your Marriage: 5 Risks to Take Before It’s Too Late

              Related StoriesMy Final Post EverRelationship Rescue: What to Do When You No Longer ConnectWhere Has All The Empathy Gone? 

People drift apart, even when they sleep in the same bed. One day, you are saying vows and listening to people’s warnings about how love takes constant attention, devotion, and work – and you are rolling your eyes because you are thinking that your love is different; it’s real, and it will last because, well, duh.

The next day you are wondering how you ever ended up married to this person and you are slowly going through all of your memories, trying to figure out exactly how you got hoodwinked and you are writing emails to a stranger on the Internet (me), asking for advice. Some of you have already saved your marriage once. And then you drifted apart again. It feels hard. Tiring. Not worth it. Frustrating. I get it. Been there, okay? What follows is the same advice and motivational pep talk I often give myself when I am feeling disconnected from my husband. I hope it works for you, too.

Stop blaming. Just stop. Yes, I mean, sure, it might be all your spouse’s fault. Yes, if only your spouse were a million different things (more fun, more talkative, more understanding, more this, more that), marriage would be so much easier and you might not feel disconnected right now. Here’s the thing: angrily blaming your spouse will not fix this. It will not bring you closer. It will only do one thing: drive you farther apart.

Make a decision, and remind yourself of that decision every single dang day. You can’t make much progress if you remain in the “I’m not sure if I want to stay married” place. You also can’t make much progress if you keep fantasizing about mythological better spouses — you know, all of the people that you didn’t actually marry. If you want to feel more connected with your spouse, you have to decide to be more connected. You have to commit to it. It’s just like deciding to get fit or deciding to eat more vegetables. It doesn’t work if you fantasize about how many vegetables you would eat if you had a personal chef who served them up to you ever day, right? No, you eat more veggies by making a concerted effort to cook them yourself. It’s the same with your relationship. You don’t feel more connected to your spouse by fantasizing about being more connected to people who are not your spouse. This is going to take some effort. Think of it like a challenge. Are you up for it?

Pretend you have never met. You feel almost like strangers right now, and the almost is the problem. If you actually felt completely like strangers, then it would be easy to reconnect because you would treat your spouse like a stranger you were meeting on a first date and you would ask your spouse questions and you would actually listen to the answers. But because you feel almost like strangers, you just see your spouse and roll your eyes and think, “That person doesn’t have anything interesting going on.” Ditch your assumptions about who your spouse is and what makes your spouse tick. Treat your spouse like that stranger you once met during a first date. Get to know this person all over again.

Plan fun into your life. People will tell you to go out on dates. There’s something about the idea of dating your spouse that rings boring to me. I don’t know why. It also sounds like effort. So I’m not going to tell you to date your spouse. But I am going to tell you to do this: find a way to have some fun together. Maybe you go rafting as a family. Maybe you play keep away from the dogs. Maybe you go to a fringe festival. Do things out of your comfort zone. Take turns planning the fun in. One week, your spouse chooses the fun. The next week, you choose. When your spouse suggests fun that you are convinced will be a drag: do it anyway. And ask your spouse to promise to do the same. You never know. Maybe you will find out that you actually like baseball or ghost hunting or geo caching or whatever it is your spouse loves but you are convinced you hate.

Create daily rituals. Dinner together is a great ritual. So is walking together. Maybe you sit next to each other as you both sip beer. Or you watch the news together. Don’t force the talking. Just have a few things you do together every day — a few things that are your things.

I am not saying that any of these suggestions work like magic. But I am saying that they are worth trying. You never know. Maybe your spouse is a lot more interesting than you currently believe.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide.
Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

No related posts.

              Related StoriesMy Final Post EverWhat a Book Can Teach You About Taking a BathWhere Has All The Empathy Gone? 

Just about everywhere you look on the Internet – and to some degree on the TV – someone is pissed off about something.

Ugly arguments are erupting everywhere and not just about the topics that you’d expect, such as politics or religion. Often they start off innocently enough. For example, someone might voice an opinion about the Oxford comma or the singular use of the pronoun “they.” Before you know it, friendships have been ruined and someone is asking if 11 am is too early for wine.

And none of these arguments would happen if people were talking face to face.

That’s because, when we talk face to face, we take listen, at least some of the time.

But that’s not what happens on the Internet. On the Internet, when someone tells you that your opinion is a bunch of hog wash, you don’t step back and listen to what the other person has to say. No, you make the same point, but this time in ALL CAPS. And if that doesn’t work, you plunk a sarcastic meme into the thread. Mic drop. Boom

That’ll teach em, right?

Except it doesn’t usually. What usually happens is that people spew meme magma in each other’s directions – until one or both unfriend or block and then there’s this: silence.

Where is all of this arguing getting us? Is anyone actually getting through to anyone about anything? Has a meme ever changed anyone’s mind? I honestly do not know the answers. All I know is this: Nothing.

Seriously, I know nothing.

I tell myself this whenever I find myself pulled into an angry comment field. I remind myself that I do not understand all viewpoints and experiences. In order to understand other people – and especially people who are not just like me –  I must listen. In order to listen, I must have an open mind. In order to have an open mind, I must remember what I do not know. You don’t learn algebra because you are convinced that you already know algebra. You learn it because you are convinced that you don’t, right? So by reminding myself that I don’t know much, if anything, about other people, I coax my mind into opening and then I’m able to actually learn something about humanity.

But it’s not easy. The knee jerk is to just believe that everyone has lost their marbles, you know?

That’s why I’ve dedicated this year to open-mindedness. For me, it’s a year of discovery – and a chance for me to truly listen to people who are not just like me. Mostly, I’ve been trying to remind myself to ask, “How so?” when someone tells me about an experience that doesn’t mesh with my own. I’ve been pushing myself to do this in conversations in real life – as well as on the Internet. And I’ve been especially doing it by reading, because reading is the ultimate form of listening.

For example, Saving Alex is the story of a gay teen whose Mormon parents drop her off to live with strangers who physically and verbally abuse her in an attempt to “cure” her of being gay. (Spoiler alert: the abuse doesn’t change the girl’s sexual orientation, but it does make her suicidal.) I picked up the book not because I wanted to better understand the gay experience, but because I wanted to understand the parents. See, I’m as liberal and pro-LGBT as a person can get. If the author, Alex Cooper and I were chatting on the Internet, we’d be heart bombing each other left and right. It’s Cooper’s parents that I’d be tempted to go all caps on, so they were the people I wanted to better understand. Even though the book is written from the Alex Cooper’s perspective, the author eloquently explains the Mormon emphasis on family in a way that allows a non-Mormon to understand. It’s a view I’d never allowed myself to hear before because, if I’m being honest, I probably hadn’t allowed myself to listen.

 

Another example: Love that Boy. In this memoir, Ron Fournier tells the story of getting to know his young son, who has Asperger’s syndrome. It’s mostly a book about parental expectations, but it also beautifully introduces readers to the autism spectrum. Fournier describes his son in such a loving way that the reader can’t help but fall in love with the boy, quirks and all. And when I finished the book, I found that I could better understand people with autism who are in my life. It’s my hope that the book has made me a better friend.

A final example: An Invisible Thread, which tells the story of a career woman who takes an 11 year old pan handler to McDonald’s and proceeds to form a life long friendship. If you’ve ever struggled to understand the cycle of poverty – and why it’s so dang hard to break – this is the book for you. Two of the more telling details for me: Maurice only ate at school. That was all the food he ever got. On weekends, he went hungry, because there was no food in his apartment. The other detail: he was often late for school and got in trouble for being late. The reason: there were no clocks or watches in his apartment, so he never knew what time it was. How can you show up on time if you don’t know the time?

 

We can only solve problems that we understand. We can only understand if we listen. We can only listen if we have the humility to admit what we don’t know, which, if we’re being honest, is just about everything.

 

 

 

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide.
Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

Related posts:
The Affection-Starved Marriage

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Scientists have recently uncovered the secret to an effective apology. It’s 100 percent intuitive. So why are so many of us doing it wrong?

Ohio State University researchers wanted to know what it was about certain apologies that worked – and other apologies that didn’t. So they tested how 755 people reacted to different kinds of apologies and they found that, for an apology to work, it needed to include at least two elements.

Acknowledgement of responsibility: “It’s my fault.”
An offer of repair: “What can I do to make this right?”

Some other factors were also helpful, but not anywhere near as important as the factors I just listed. They include an expression of regret (“I wish I hadn’t said that…”), an explanation of what went wrong, and a declaration of repentance.

It’s all pretty straight forward, especially if you think about what it would take to for someone to win you over after they’ve done you wrong. So why do so many of us screw it up? Think about times you’ve apologized. How often has your acknowledgment of responsibility gone something like this, “I’m sorry you were upset by what I said.” Some variations on this theme:

I’m sorry you are bothered by me leaving my stuff on the counter.
I’m sorry you are feeling so stressed out about this.
I’m sorry you had such high expectations of me.
I’m sorry you are so sensitive.
I’m sorry, but you …
I’m sorry we are fighting about this.
I’m sorry things got out of hand.

The list goes on. I’m sure you could add your own variations. (And please do, in the comments). These are fake apologies – cop outs, really. They acknowledge no personal responsibility. If anything, they place the responsibility on the other person, and that’s why they fail.

Why do we resort to the fake apology? Because no one likes conflict. No one enjoys being the object of someone else’s anger. No one wants to be the bad guy in someone else’s emotional continuum. We just want the disturbance – the anger, resentment, tears – to stop. So we offer the fake sorry as an olive branch, and we trick ourselves into believing that all we have to do is wave this branch and all of the anger, resentment, and stress will go away. “Look at me! I’m waving a branch! You should be happy now! Why are you not happy?!” It’s kind of like fixing a flat tire by yelling at it, “I’m sorry that pothole just blew a hole in you.” You can blame it on the pot hole all you want, but it doesn’t blow up the tire and get your car back on the road.

True apologies require humility and vulnerability. We must acknowledge that we are flawed, and that’s hard stuff. Yet, it’s easier than the alternative: pretending we are perfect. We also have to acknowledge that the other human being is just as important as we are — and just as deserving of happiness.

True apologies also require grit – because we often have to dig deep in order to make things right. When I tell my husband, “I’m sorry I forgot to do that” – I need to actually follow up by doing it now and in the future. I need to grow. I need to become a better me.

Which is beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide.
Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

Related posts:
The Affection-Starved Marriage

              Related StoriesMy Final Post EverWhat a Book Can Teach You About Taking a BathRelationship Rescue: What to Do When You No Longer Connect 

What 17 Years of Marriage Taught Me




If I Could Go Back in Time, This is What I Would Tell Myself on My Wedding Day 


You will fight about a lot of things in the coming years. Most of these fights will be waged over silly lines in the sand that don’t need to be drawn in the first place. Like one day in the future you are seriously going to get into a fight about the settings on the washing machine. Your marriage will survive this.
People will tell you to “learn how to pick your battles!” At first, you won’t know how. It will feel like every single battle is of supreme importance and that, if you don’t scream and stomp your feet, some vulnerable part of your very being will wither and die. You can still be you – and not lose yourself – as you pick your battles, but you won’t figure this out for several years. Until then, persevere. It gets better.
Your spouse’s inability to dust has no correlation to your spouse’s ability to love you.
You won’t enjoy spending time with all of your spouse’s friends, but you you can continue to love your spouse anyway.
Your spouse’s hobby is a part of who your spouse is and, unlike your spouse’s thick head of hair, it  won’t disappear.
When you are angry, an irrational part of your mind will try to hoodwink you into believing that your spouse has always been 100 percent impossible – even though, just yesterday, you were gushing about your spouse’s awesomeness.
On those nights when the sound of silence becomes as uncomfortable as the scent of a Chinese-food fart, know this: Nothing starts a lively conversation faster than a sincere question that cannot be answered with a yes or a no.
There will be weeks, months and, yes, years when all you are doing is surviving: finding money to pay the bills, getting through the night with a projectile-vomiting baby, worrying about how you will find a way to fix the leaky roof. These weeks, months and years will take a toll on your relationship, but they won’t kill it as long as you do one thing: refuse to give up.
When your spouse’s snoring wakes you 79 times every single night, there’s a solution that works a lot better than punching your spouse in the shoulder. It’s this: sleep somewhere else.
You will at first feel really guilty about sleeping somewhere else. Get over it. The most rested you are, the fewer fights you’ll pick and the more likely it is that you’ll get into bed with your spouse to do something that doesn’t involve sleeping.
You will regret saying a lot of things. Your spouse will forgive you.
You can ask for what you want without screaming. You can even do it without feeling anxious. Practice.
You will wear several different clothing sizes over the course of your marriage. No matter how big or small you are, your spouse will always prefer seeing you naked to seeing you dressed.
You will accuse your spouse of not being the person you thought you married. But you are also not the person your spouse thought they married. Get over it. The only people who don’t change are this: dead.
Most of the time, when you ask your spouse to do something, your spouse will actually do it and you won’t even notice because no one notices things that actually get done. We only notice things that fail to get done.
Sometimes, your spouse will think about doing that thing you asked, but then your spouse will get distracted and forget to do it. Your spouse forgetting to do it has no relationship to your spouse’s love of you, but it may have a relationship to your spouse’s stress level, lack of sleep, or future risk of dementia.
 You married a great person. And your spouse married a great person, too. Every once in a while, take a moment to remember this. Then embrace the art of becoming greater together, because that’s what a happy marriage is all about.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide.
Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

Related posts:
Save Your Marriage: 5 Risks to Take Before It’s Too Late

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My journalist friend Kayt Sukel is gutsy and will do just about anything in the name of science. Case in point: She once climbed into an MRI and let researchers study her brain while she had an orgasm. Then she wrote about the experience. Kayt is happy and successful and she’s always posting things to Facebook that make me wish I was living her life. So when she told me that her latest book was about risk taking and mentioned that married people could learn a thing or two about it, I asked her to write a guest post. Be like Kayt. Read Kayt’s post and her book.

The Risks That Can Save Your Marriage

by Kayt Sukel

Our survival depends on us taking risks. Without embracing risk, we would not be able to grow, explore, learn, adapt and respond to the world around us. Risk is good for us, even in our personal relationships.

Opening yourself, and your heart, to another person is one of the biggest risks you can take.  But it can also offer you one of life’s most amazing rewards. To that end, here are 5 risks to take in your relationship—to grow, to learn, and to thrive together—before it’s too late.

 Know what kind of risk-taker you are. Everyone approaches risk a little differently. But if you are on one end of the spectrum—someone who needs adrenaline and a little stress all the time—or the other—someone who avoids uncertainty at all costs—it’s easy to find yourself falling into conflict. So ask yourself:  Are you impulsive and quick to respond to emotional situations? Or do you like to step back and carefully consider things before you act? Do you seek out stimulation from your partner—even if you have to start a silly argument just to get his or her attention? Or do you prefer the quiet and keep your distance when things get a little uncertain? Knowing how you approach uncertainty is important. Really, risk-taking style is almost its own type of love language. And when you have some awareness of your default risk-taking mode, you can better understand what is really at issue when things come to a head.  Are you truly unhappy with your partner? Or is there something else in the situation that is making you uneasy?
Know what kind of risk-taker your partner is. In a similar vein, knowing how your partner responds to risk is a great benefit. If your partner tends towards being more impulsive, you can use that knowledge to help you find the right communication approach when there is conflict. If they tend to shy away from uncertainty, you will have a better understanding of why they may need some space before you talk. As G.I. Joe was so fond of saying, knowing is half the battle. It really may not be you that is the problem—just your partner’s natural response to uncertainty and conflict.
Try something your partner loves—and suggest they do the same with you. Your partner loves to play racquetball. You are fond of ballroom dance. No one says that you have to do everything together—or even that you have to enjoy all of your partner’s hobbies and pleasures. But you should at least take a risk and give some a try. Get your basketball-loving partner some tickets for a killer game, and make a date night out of it. Ask your partner to try some dance lessons or a trip to the ballet. I can’t promise you’ll like it all (or that your partner will either), but taking those risks will help the two of you learn more about what moves each of you and brings you joy—things that, ultimately, will bring you closer together.
Plan an adventure together. It’s human nature to fall into habit. But the brain goes crazy for a little novelty. To rekindle the spark of your relationship, plan an adventure together. It doesn’t require a round-the-world trip or glow-in-the-dark bungee jumping. Even trying a new restaurant or local activity can offer you a little adventure—and a way to help your biological systems release key neurochemicals that will help you find some joy and reconnect.
Find a new way to commit to your partner, each and every day. Committing to your partner is a risk. Relationships don’t come with guarantees. But you can’t hedge your bets and hope for a winning outcome. Wake up each morning and find those little ways to show that you are committed to succeed as a couple. Show your partner, even when he or she might be driving your crazy, that they are cherished, loved, and appreciated. You’ll soon find that when you re-commit each day, your partner is more likely to take that risk and do the same.

This is an affiliate link. If you use it to purchase Kayt’s new book, Alisa gets a kick back that can be used to make ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com a more awesome site.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide.
Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

Related posts:
The Affection-Starved Marriage
Did the man in the wheelchair need help? I was too wimpy to ask.

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Copyright Ari Bowman

Someone asked: “How do I teach my spouse to show me affection?”

There are many strategies I could list, but first I suggest considering three questions:

1. Why do you want more affection? I know, it’s obvious, right? Doesn’t everyone want affection? Yes, for the most part (except, of course, for  those people who live in the woods  and never talk to or touch other beings with beating hearts and who are perfectly content.)

Consider the question. Really get down to the specifics of why. Do you feel unloved? Are you having issues getting in the mood for sex? Do you miss the affection your partner once showed you, back when your partner was trying to woo you? Are you walking around with a strange, uncomfortable “things aren’t right” feeling that you don’t understand – but, somehow, you believe affection might erase? Some other reason? Once you know your reason, it’s easier to communicate the importance of affection to your spouse.

2. Are you showing yourself affection? This is an important question to consider, especially if you feel unloved. Do you feel unloved because of what your spouse does or doesn’t do? Or do you feel unloved because, deep down, you believe you are unlovable? Only you know whether you feel unlovable, but a possible sign: you crave affection like a drug. You just can’t get enough of it because getting affection is the only thing that allows you to feel good about who you are. If this is the case, your partner trying to fill your heart with affection is like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom.

If you feel unlovable, consider why. If you can point to legitimate reasons – you are a serial killer, you defrauded thousands of people out of their life savings, you torture puppies, you recently jacked up the price of a life-saving medicine by more than five thousand percent – then stop doing what is making you feel so bad about yourself, apologize for your actions, and put things right. Time will not make you feel lovable again. Nor will affection that comes from someone else. But becoming a person you can admire? That generally works.

If you can’t point to legitimate reasons, then learn how to fill the deep, gaping hole in your heart. Maybe you’ve heard of self-compassion. Perhaps self-affection should be a thing, too. What self-affection actually looks like will vary from person to person. For me, it’s giving myself permission to rest. Rather than feeling guilty for taking a nap or sleeping in, I  tuck my inner child into bed. The child is me. I’m tucking myself in. Yes, it’s a little odd to think of yourself in two parts like this, but it works. Try it. Mother yourself. Maybe you mother yourself by taking a moment to jump up and down, clap and carry on when you do something right. Or maybe you serve yourself your favorite dessert and you eat it without guilt. Perhaps you wrap yourself in a cozy full-body sweater as you take five minutes to listen to the rain and tell yourself that things will get better. Or maybe you excitedly set your alarm early so you can get up to watch a sunrise.

Or maybe you remind yourself of all the reasons you are lovable. And you are lovable.

3. What is affection? This might seem like common sense, but trust me, it’s not. Everyone has their own definition of affection. What is yours? What does affection mean to you?

Once you know the answers to those questions, then you can figure out what to do about it all. That’s when you ask for the affection you want, explaining why affection is so important to you and what affection looks like to you. Make sure to point out the upside for your spouse. You’ll be happier, less stressed, more in the mood for mattress time, more energized – whatever is true. That’s also when you create a cheatsheet of affectionate acts (pat my bottom when you walk by, call in the middle of the day to hear my voice, spoon with me on the couch…) for your spouse to consult when they’re stumped. Remember: Your spouse cannot read your mind. If you don’t give your spouse an affection map, your spouse will get lost in the forest of apathy.  

Nudge you partner from time to time with comments like, “You know what would make me feel loved right now? A hug” or “If you gave me a massage, I think it would help me get in the mood.”

I know, I know – it doesn’t feel like affection if it’s not spontaneous. Get over it. Change your definition of what qualifies as true affection. If you ask your spouse for help and your spouse responds by helping you, your spouse is showing you the highest form of affection of all. You ask and your spouse responds? You are loved, baby. Soak. It. Up.

Compliment your spouse whenever your spouse shows you the affection your desire. And give back. Find out what kind of affection your spouse desires. You might want cuddles, but your spouse might define affection as being left alone in the garage or having the permission to sleep in. Give your spouse the affection your spouse desires – not the affection that you wish your spouse desired and not the affection that you desire for yourself.

And have fun.

Some Random Things

A reader got in touch because she’d noticed a nasty comment on an old post. It was directed at me, telling me that I was a bad person and that I should take a permanent vacation from this blog. Considering I wrote my last post more than six months ago, the reader justifiably worried that I’d taken the comment to heart. She wanted to know what she could do, and she offered to police the comments area. It seemed like a very kind gesture, and I want to put it out there for all of you. This isn’t about my personal feelings. I’m pretty tough these days. But it’s my hope that the comments area on this site remains a positive place where people can truly help one another. When trolls invade the comments, the site stops being positive and people don’t feel free to share. So do point such comments out to me. I will delete them. There’s no room on this site for hate.

Second, the nasty comment wasn’t why I hadn’t updated the blog in so long. The true reason: my paying work got super busy + I was exhausted due to a drug interaction + I was out of inspiration + I had some seriously time-consuming life issues that left me with no free time to do things like write new posts. You all can’t give me time or energy or stop my brain from developing migraine headaches, but you can offer inspiration.

Finally, I co-authored a new book. If you struggle with eating, this is the book for you. This is an affiliate link. If you click on it, I make a nickel or a dime or some small amount of change, and I appreciate every penny.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide.
Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

No related posts.

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Some thoughts on the intersection of bravery and love

 

On a rare just-warm-enough-to-take-all-your-worries-away summer day, I was on one of those elusive carefree runs during which every footfall came easily and no part of my body was in pain. The sky reflected off the water. Beams of light poked their way through the trees. Birds danced in the sky.

Then I passed the man in a wheelchair.

His chair was situated at an angle, with his back to the river, which was odd because the river was what people usually came to take in.

His body was slumped and crooked, as if his spine was shaped like the letter S.

As I approached, I couldn’t figure out how he’d gotten there. The trail wasn’t paved and we were a good distance from the nearest parking lot. It looked as if his chair was motorized, but was it designed to travel across grass, ruts and gravel? He was sitting in full sun, his chest bare, his skin hot and sticky looking. His head hung to the side and shoulders slumped forward as if all of the muscles in his shoulders and neck had surrendered. His mouth was slightly agape.

Because of his reflective sunglasses, I couldn’t tell if his eyes were open or closed.

My first instinct was to ask, “Are you okay?

Yet, as the distance between us disappeared, my mind put the brakes on that urge with a series of “what if…” worries: What if he’s peacefully asleep and I ruin a rare moment of serenity? What if this is how he always looks and I’m the hundredth person to annoyingly ask him if he’s okay? What if he’s perfectly capable of looking after himself and sick of able-bodied people like me assuming otherwise? What if he attacks me? How will I possibly help him anyway? My phone is at home and my car a good two miles away.

About a football field’s distance away, in a parking lot, I noticed a young mother with a stroller. She was near the open trunk of a car. I thought, “Oh, maybe they’re together and she’s just packing up some stuff before she comes back to get him.”

I ran a few more steps. I looked behind me. There was another runner: She’ll help him.

As I ran on, however, I couldn’t get the image of the man in the wheelchair out of my mind. Wasn’t it irrational to assume the woman with the stroller was with him? What mother puts her baby in a hot car and then walks a football field’s distance to retrieve a man in a wheel chair? Of course they weren’t together!

As for my assumption that someone else would help? Equally flawed. Many years ago, as part of the now famous study “From Jerusalem to Jericho”, a group of seminary students were told to hurry to another location on campus so they could prepare a talk about the Bible’s Good Samaritan parable. In the event you don’t remember the parable, there’s a man on the side of the road, beaten, naked and half dead. A priest walks by, sees him, and walks to the other side of the road to avoid him. So does the next passerby. Then comes the good Samaritan who finally takes pity on the poor man, bandages his wounds, puts him on a donkey and takes him to an inn for help. At the end of the parable, we’re encouraged to emulate the Samaritan.

Back to the seminary students. As they rushed across campus, they passed a slumped man in an alleyway. Given what their lecture was about, you might assume that every single one of the students offered to help the man. That’s not what happened. Only one in ten of the hurried students stopped and offered to help, despite the fact that they were on their way to prepare a lecture about exactly this type of situation. (An interesting side note: students who were not told to rush were much more likely to help than were students who thought time was of the essence).

You know? I like to think of myself as a helper. Years ago, when I first heard of the study I just described, my exact thoughts were, “I would have been one of the people who stopped to help.”

Ah-hem.

My run was a 4-mile loop and, as I turned to loop back toward my car, it occurred to me that tomorrow’s paper would likely have a story about a man found dead at the park. In the story would be a quote from a park official, “Apparently he was out there in the elements for hours and not one person offered assistance. This certainly says a lot about the crappy world that we live in.”

I had a responsibility, didn’t I?

But just as I was deciding to go back and help the man, my inner wimp raced from one neuron to another, screaming, “No! Not you! Let someone else be today’s good Samaritan!”

I thought of Kayt Sukel’s Ted Med lecture on the nature of risk. (You can watch it here.) Had I not promised myself that I would take a risk every day? Wouldn’t helping this man count as a risk? There was risk involved in overcoming fear of the unknown, was there not? After all, while I could control how I approached the man, I could not control his response. That’s where the fear came in, and why my wimpy lizard brain had first put the brakes on helping him.

As I got closer to where he was sitting, I did something I hadn’t done the first time. I waved and yelled “Hello!”

To my surprise, he smiled and waved back.

I almost left it at that, but then I asked, “Do you need help?”

He said he did not.

See? There’d been nothing to fear.

Not only was I able to run back to my car with a clear conscience, the experience taught me a lesson on the nature of love: it’s scary. Love often requires us to leave our comfort zone: to sit with someone who is upset, to ask hard questions, to listen to hard answers, to be vulnerable and, yes, to offer assistance to someone who might not need or want it. Many times, while we can control our intention, we cannot control over how someone will interpret our words or actions. Sometimes an act of love is received with open arms; other times, it is rebuffed, ignored, or even attacked.

To love one another, we must be brave.

Being brave requires practice.

The practice is not always easy. It can be painful, scary, lonely, and humbling and, yet, it’s always worth it.

Note: Some of you have been brave enough to ask me why it’s been six months since my last post. I appreciate your concern. Nothing is wrong. I am trying to return to a somewhat regular blogging schedule. Thanks for waiting patiently!

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide.
Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

No related posts.

              Related StoriesThe Affection-Starved Marriage