LaTasha Tacha B. Braxton's Blog
November 10, 2018
How to Love Yourself After Abusive Relationships
For over 20 years I was mentally, emotionally and physically abused. As a child, I was neglected and not given true love by a mother who wasn’t familiar with true love herself. For many years I struggled to find out who I was and who I was becoming. And found it difficult to appreciate the visuals that stared back at me in the mirror. For years, I had to mentally raise myself, and still lacked the confidence and self respect I needed to see the greatness inside of me. As I grew older I found it more and more difficult to correlate the actions and feelings with the word “Love”. I developed the mentality that who I was and what I had to offer would never be good enough, not for myself and not for others. My mind had been watered down with delusions and misconceptions about who I was and what I really deserved and needed. I was young, naive, broken and turned desperate for someone to love me. And this desperation lead me down a painful path towards an abusive relationship with a guy who ended up sharing similar behaviors as my abusive mother. I couldn’t love myself because I didn’t know how. I felt lost, and ashamed. I felt hopeless.
Why would anyone love a person like me?
My own mother couldn’t love me, so I must not be good enough for it.
Till this day I cringe at the thought of that naive girl, I cringe at how she allowed people to treat her. I get anxiety just thinking about all of the years I wasted on not knowing any better. All of the years I discarded not loving myself enough to nurture and find who I was meant to be. All the years I wasted not fighting for the peace and life I deserved.
My journey was hard and painful, everyday I wonder how I survived it all.
But what really matters are the lessons that derived from the heartache and the tears. And those lessons I’m going to share with you.
Let’s start out with what an abuser is…
They are manipulators.
Abusers lie. They lie to you, on you, and about you. They lie so much they even trick themselves. The insults and the belittling are control mechanisms that are true only in their mind. And their justifications on why they hurt you repeatedly makes sense only to them. An abuser will have you second guessing yourself, because deep down inside, you know you are none of the things they say you are. And you also know you did nothing wrong to warrant the abuse they gave. Let them live a life of misery and delusion all by themselves, don’t you dare allow them to suck you into their illusion any further. Abusers are insecure, and miserable. And take pleasure in draining you dry of your power in hopes of replenishing theirs. They want you to feel disgusted about who you are, just as they feel disgusted about themselves. They want you to self destruct with them so they can feel better about themselves.
If you’ve found yourself victim to a person like this, please read on…
Self-Exploration:
Body -
Go out and really find yourself. Get to know the person you were meant to be before the abuse and bad influence on your personal growth. My first step at loving myself was looking in the mirror and finding beauty in the features I never could appreciate. The abusers that use to plague my life made it a goal to tear down my looks every chance they got. It seemed as though the more my beauty became apparent to others, the more they would tear me down. The more compliments I got from strangers, the more insults I got from them. Subconsciously, I began to believe these insults, I allowed these abusers to create an insecurity within myself that was never meant to be there. So taking the time out each day to reunite my beauty with my own eyes was a very important step for me. Appreciating the young woman in the mirror again took me towards a path of healthy eating, and new exercise routines. For the first time I felt as though I wanted to preserve, and take care of the beauty that was apart of me this entire time.
Mind -
I picked back up on my reading. Being a victim of abuse left me depressed and unwilling to really live. I lost interest in the things I use to enjoy, like reading. During my search for some good reads, I began to realize that my mind and soul wanted substance. I needed something that could help me heal further, I needed truth, guidance, I needed books that could relate to everything I had been through. I started with reading books on Buddhism, and notes from monks. I had a deep desire to get any book that challenged my perspectives and what I thought I knew, because I knew for so long my life had been nothing but a lie. My mind continued to yearn for these type of thought provoking books. I became a fanatic of the nonfiction genre. And allowed for these books to really help me mend and shape my mind, and my thought process. Reading was the kick-start to my self exploration and continues to be a great Sensei.
Soul -
I began meditating to calm my anxiety and the post traumatic stress I’d developed from years of abuse. It took some practice to really allow my thoughts and worry to pause. But the more I practiced, the more connected my vessel felt with my soul. We live in a man made world, filled with stress and pressure. We are victims to the trickery of money grubbing corporations and deceptive news. These unhealthy conditions are more like a mussel to our soul. We can’t tap into our true selves while worrying about how we are going to afford the rent for next month. We can’t focus on our spirit when we are distracted from the brute force of this cold, selfish world. And when we can’t focus on our spirit, we miss out on the messages our spirit needs to send our minds in order to grow and live and lead better lives. We can’t hear our souls directions because it’s suppressed by that man made mussel. Meditation is the hand that removes the mussel so you can hear your soul speak. And the guidance your soul gives will come as much needed epiphanies.
Never stop studying Love:
Being abused will leave your definition of love, unfinished. My perception of the word was flawed.
Do I really know what love is, or what it feels like?
When I do encounter true love, will I know?
Love for all should be a life learned experience. It’s an endless lesson. I’m still learning new things about love everyday, and the more I love on myself, the more clarity I get. I pay attention to how different people define what they think love is through their actions. I like studying people from different cultures and backgrounds and how they express love to their family or strangers they pass on the street. I find it fascinating, because in my opinion, love is one of the most misunderstood languages. But one thing’s for certain, where there’s compassion, there is love.
Protect yourself like a mother lion protects her cubs:
I became extremely picky of the kind of people and environment I subjected myself to. And started to remove all negative people from my life. If these so called friends didn’t contribute positivity in my life, they had to go. I began to desire and choose friends who told me what I needed to hear rather than what I wanted to hear. I chose friends who shared the same level of loyalty, love, respect and ambition as I did for myself and others. I began to surround myself with people who I could learn from and build better lives with. I selected people who were positive role models, people I felt safe with, people who show me they truly care about me instead of just saying that they do. I was creating an environment that derived from peace, fun and love. I was starting to value and appreciate my mind, body and soul so much more. As if my soul was rewarding me for my social decisions. I quickly became the ultimate protector for myself. In the past, I’ve always disliked confrontation. And my abusers took full advantage of this. I became timid and emotionally frail with every attack until my fear silenced me. And that hurt me even more, because no one knew I needed help. This started a long history of hurting me repeatedly, and then victim blaming. And the more I allowed it, the more it continued. During this journey of self love, I had to realize that confrontation is inevitable. It’s just that some confrontation is good, and some are bad. And good confrontations are the ones that keep your respect, peace, and the boundaries you’ve created intact and sturdy.
Spend bonding time with yourself:
Do something you’ve always wanted to do. Take walks on trails surrounded by nature, go to the movies, go to brunch, heck…go play laser tag. But whatever you choose to do, make sure you take time to do it with just you. Enjoy the company of yourself, because it is more than ok to seek fun alone. Doing this will allow you to understand that happiness starts with you. Never depend on another human being for happiness. Learn to love yourself enough to bring yourself the joy you need and deserve. Appreciate the journey of your newly found independence. Be as attentive and playful to yourself as a mother is with her newborn.
Listen to your intuition:
Never challenge the feelings your soul creates for your brain to interpret. Your intuition is a mix of your past experiences and common sense. I’m very big on patterns of behavior, simply because they never lie. Actions are the lie detector for someone’s words. And people who have been abused subconsciously store patterns of behavior and the feelings associated with them in their brain like a couponer stores their stockpile. If you began to get bad feelings about a person or a situation, it’s most likely your spidey sense picking up on the abusive traits and feelings of danger that person or situation is giving off. Never ignore those feelings, they will keep you safe!
Never dumb down the high standards you’ve built for yourself:
Understand that you are more than good enough to be loved. And if people fail to realize this, then those aren’t the people you need to be around. You deserve respect and appreciation for yourself and from others, so demand it. Never feel guilty for wanting the best for you. And never settle your standards or goals because others cant keep up. This is your chance to finally start living and creating your masterpiece. Create your happiness, your peace, your success, your standards and your energy. This is your moment to create a promising future. You are a survivor whose strengths come from harsh conditions. You are a survivor who now knows how to survive. Never let anyone snatch your better judgment and strength away. Always keep moving forward. And always take the time to appreciate how far you’ve come, and how promising the road is ahead of you.
If I could overcome abuse….I know you can too!
LaTasha Tacha B. Braxton
Why would anyone love a person like me?
My own mother couldn’t love me, so I must not be good enough for it.
Till this day I cringe at the thought of that naive girl, I cringe at how she allowed people to treat her. I get anxiety just thinking about all of the years I wasted on not knowing any better. All of the years I discarded not loving myself enough to nurture and find who I was meant to be. All the years I wasted not fighting for the peace and life I deserved.
My journey was hard and painful, everyday I wonder how I survived it all.
But what really matters are the lessons that derived from the heartache and the tears. And those lessons I’m going to share with you.
Let’s start out with what an abuser is…
They are manipulators.
Abusers lie. They lie to you, on you, and about you. They lie so much they even trick themselves. The insults and the belittling are control mechanisms that are true only in their mind. And their justifications on why they hurt you repeatedly makes sense only to them. An abuser will have you second guessing yourself, because deep down inside, you know you are none of the things they say you are. And you also know you did nothing wrong to warrant the abuse they gave. Let them live a life of misery and delusion all by themselves, don’t you dare allow them to suck you into their illusion any further. Abusers are insecure, and miserable. And take pleasure in draining you dry of your power in hopes of replenishing theirs. They want you to feel disgusted about who you are, just as they feel disgusted about themselves. They want you to self destruct with them so they can feel better about themselves.
If you’ve found yourself victim to a person like this, please read on…
Self-Exploration:
Body -
Go out and really find yourself. Get to know the person you were meant to be before the abuse and bad influence on your personal growth. My first step at loving myself was looking in the mirror and finding beauty in the features I never could appreciate. The abusers that use to plague my life made it a goal to tear down my looks every chance they got. It seemed as though the more my beauty became apparent to others, the more they would tear me down. The more compliments I got from strangers, the more insults I got from them. Subconsciously, I began to believe these insults, I allowed these abusers to create an insecurity within myself that was never meant to be there. So taking the time out each day to reunite my beauty with my own eyes was a very important step for me. Appreciating the young woman in the mirror again took me towards a path of healthy eating, and new exercise routines. For the first time I felt as though I wanted to preserve, and take care of the beauty that was apart of me this entire time.
Mind -
I picked back up on my reading. Being a victim of abuse left me depressed and unwilling to really live. I lost interest in the things I use to enjoy, like reading. During my search for some good reads, I began to realize that my mind and soul wanted substance. I needed something that could help me heal further, I needed truth, guidance, I needed books that could relate to everything I had been through. I started with reading books on Buddhism, and notes from monks. I had a deep desire to get any book that challenged my perspectives and what I thought I knew, because I knew for so long my life had been nothing but a lie. My mind continued to yearn for these type of thought provoking books. I became a fanatic of the nonfiction genre. And allowed for these books to really help me mend and shape my mind, and my thought process. Reading was the kick-start to my self exploration and continues to be a great Sensei.
Soul -
I began meditating to calm my anxiety and the post traumatic stress I’d developed from years of abuse. It took some practice to really allow my thoughts and worry to pause. But the more I practiced, the more connected my vessel felt with my soul. We live in a man made world, filled with stress and pressure. We are victims to the trickery of money grubbing corporations and deceptive news. These unhealthy conditions are more like a mussel to our soul. We can’t tap into our true selves while worrying about how we are going to afford the rent for next month. We can’t focus on our spirit when we are distracted from the brute force of this cold, selfish world. And when we can’t focus on our spirit, we miss out on the messages our spirit needs to send our minds in order to grow and live and lead better lives. We can’t hear our souls directions because it’s suppressed by that man made mussel. Meditation is the hand that removes the mussel so you can hear your soul speak. And the guidance your soul gives will come as much needed epiphanies.
Never stop studying Love:
Being abused will leave your definition of love, unfinished. My perception of the word was flawed.
Do I really know what love is, or what it feels like?
When I do encounter true love, will I know?
Love for all should be a life learned experience. It’s an endless lesson. I’m still learning new things about love everyday, and the more I love on myself, the more clarity I get. I pay attention to how different people define what they think love is through their actions. I like studying people from different cultures and backgrounds and how they express love to their family or strangers they pass on the street. I find it fascinating, because in my opinion, love is one of the most misunderstood languages. But one thing’s for certain, where there’s compassion, there is love.
Protect yourself like a mother lion protects her cubs:
I became extremely picky of the kind of people and environment I subjected myself to. And started to remove all negative people from my life. If these so called friends didn’t contribute positivity in my life, they had to go. I began to desire and choose friends who told me what I needed to hear rather than what I wanted to hear. I chose friends who shared the same level of loyalty, love, respect and ambition as I did for myself and others. I began to surround myself with people who I could learn from and build better lives with. I selected people who were positive role models, people I felt safe with, people who show me they truly care about me instead of just saying that they do. I was creating an environment that derived from peace, fun and love. I was starting to value and appreciate my mind, body and soul so much more. As if my soul was rewarding me for my social decisions. I quickly became the ultimate protector for myself. In the past, I’ve always disliked confrontation. And my abusers took full advantage of this. I became timid and emotionally frail with every attack until my fear silenced me. And that hurt me even more, because no one knew I needed help. This started a long history of hurting me repeatedly, and then victim blaming. And the more I allowed it, the more it continued. During this journey of self love, I had to realize that confrontation is inevitable. It’s just that some confrontation is good, and some are bad. And good confrontations are the ones that keep your respect, peace, and the boundaries you’ve created intact and sturdy.
Spend bonding time with yourself:
Do something you’ve always wanted to do. Take walks on trails surrounded by nature, go to the movies, go to brunch, heck…go play laser tag. But whatever you choose to do, make sure you take time to do it with just you. Enjoy the company of yourself, because it is more than ok to seek fun alone. Doing this will allow you to understand that happiness starts with you. Never depend on another human being for happiness. Learn to love yourself enough to bring yourself the joy you need and deserve. Appreciate the journey of your newly found independence. Be as attentive and playful to yourself as a mother is with her newborn.
Listen to your intuition:
Never challenge the feelings your soul creates for your brain to interpret. Your intuition is a mix of your past experiences and common sense. I’m very big on patterns of behavior, simply because they never lie. Actions are the lie detector for someone’s words. And people who have been abused subconsciously store patterns of behavior and the feelings associated with them in their brain like a couponer stores their stockpile. If you began to get bad feelings about a person or a situation, it’s most likely your spidey sense picking up on the abusive traits and feelings of danger that person or situation is giving off. Never ignore those feelings, they will keep you safe!
Never dumb down the high standards you’ve built for yourself:
Understand that you are more than good enough to be loved. And if people fail to realize this, then those aren’t the people you need to be around. You deserve respect and appreciation for yourself and from others, so demand it. Never feel guilty for wanting the best for you. And never settle your standards or goals because others cant keep up. This is your chance to finally start living and creating your masterpiece. Create your happiness, your peace, your success, your standards and your energy. This is your moment to create a promising future. You are a survivor whose strengths come from harsh conditions. You are a survivor who now knows how to survive. Never let anyone snatch your better judgment and strength away. Always keep moving forward. And always take the time to appreciate how far you’ve come, and how promising the road is ahead of you.
If I could overcome abuse….I know you can too!
LaTasha Tacha B. Braxton
