Tonya VanWinkle's Blog

Because sometimes a girl cannot remember jack squat and requires proof.

Because when I think of stories, Disney is at the center of many.

Because I’m 40 and I still freaking LOVE Disney movies. Deal with it.

Because I read like it is a full time job or something. I fall down the rabbit hole and do not come out until I reach the magical two words, THE END.

Because some books I can’t even believe I read.

Because I don’t remember if I wrote a review for the author brave enough to grace us with his/her work.

Because I can’t remember if I loved, liked, or hated it.

And by George, would I recommend it and why!

Lord, help me.

Where to begin…

JANA DELEON

One day I needed something completely different to read. Something that would make me laugh. That desire somehow lead me to Jana DeLeon’s Miss Fortune series and I have bought ever single book thus far. That’s rare, just saying. I cannot get enough of these crazy women and their shenanigans. Fortune, Ida Bell, and Gertie are simply the best. I’d love to have friends just like them.

I’ve also read Jana’s Shaye Archer series, which I may need to read again in order to give it the proper credit, because it is very worthy.

I will also state that it is very rare that I read a book more than once.

Because of Jana, I was introduced to a group of authors affectionately known as the Fab13. These thirteen authors have treated me horribly! They have mad me laugh until I feared wetting myself, have kept me awake all hours of the night, have caused me a serious case of the forties (known as increased bluntness and lack of filter). They have also made me feel in command and made me watch my mouth. GASP! I know! Some have even left me a tad embarrassed that I read their book and not just one but the whole blasted series! The things they can write are down right shocking!

Some of their ideas are absolutely fascinating and boy are they ever creative. They have each breathed new life into my reading. I’m thankful they entered my life at the ripe age of forty, a time of feeling a lot misunderstood and a whole lot more pissy. < and that’s putting it mildly. My language is nowhere near as colorful as some of theirs, but I love them anyway. I feel as if I am Mr. Darcy and they are Elizabeth Bennet because they’ve totally bewitched me!

I blame Jana for opening this new hilarious world to me and I thank her for it.

~T~

The post Because… appeared first on Tonya VanWinkle.

Hello, it’s been a while. I’d love to say I’ve been doing a lot of writing but I’d be lying to you. I’ve a lot of sporadic pieces but nothing substantial or worthy of publication at this time. I’m hoping to fix that but I refuse to promise you anything. Every time I say “coming soon” or some such thing I fail. I’m tired of failing. I’m still trying mind you, just at my own pace. Sadly, that’s not as quick as some would like – including me. I’ve learned I can’t rush it though. I can’t handle the stress. I feel if I just keep plugging away at it, it will eventually get better. Don’t you think?

Anyway, I have no idea if any of you will receive this in your email or not. It probably goes to your spam. Check there. If you’re not receiving this and would like to, you can subscribe. If that doesn’t work, then by all means email me, message me, or whatever works and I’ll sort out the wrinkles.

I have a thing for journals. I’m very picky about them as well. Let me give ya the 411 on this, maybe you can relate.

First, it should be pretty. It’s okay if it says something on the front or is plain, as long as the cover is soft and smooth. If you don’t enjoy holding it, you won’t enjoy writing in it.
Second, it MUST have lines and not widely spaced ones. I don’t write big like a kindergartner and I don’t like wasted space.
Third, I’m not all that fond of spiral bound journals. I’m really digging the ones that lay flat these days. I also like the month and day thing for you to circle at the top, but that’s not a requirement.
Lastly, and this is difficult to accomplish especially if you are buying a journal for a person like me, but the paper has to feel right. I have to like the way the outside feels as well as the inside.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I have a good size collection of journals. I’m addicted. I’ve told myself over and over, you cannot buy a new one until you use what you have. It is a lie I repeatedly tell myself. However, I have started putting them to use. I have one that I bought years ago in Disneyland during a Close to my Heart convention, yes once upon a time I sold CTMH. I’ve always been creating something or simply just making a mess. I cleaned out the flowerbeds the other day and told my husband, “Okay, I’m done making a mess now.”

So, when I think of Disney, I think of wonderful stories brought to life. Therefore, I decided to use this particular journal as a place to record books I’ve read, reviewed and so forth.

My next thought is that maybe by sharing what I write in the journal with you, you might also find something new and exciting to read. I’ve also decided to be pretty open with you on what I read, because I don’t always read the same old same old. I think it’s good for a person to branch out. Everyone needs to  experience something new once in awhile. I’ve been searching for books that make me laugh. Laughter is something I seem to heavily crave these days, don’t you?

I know this is short, but I’ve a very early flight tomorrow and we all know I do not do mornings. Originally this flight was at 8 am, not 6:20! My husband booked me a hotel next to the airport, so I’m currently sitting on the bed typing this and listening to planes fly by. I need to shut things down though and get to sleep. I’m to be on the shuttle at 4:30 a.m. I’m going to require so much coffee tomorrow, the things I do for family.

Stay safe out there!

~T~

The post Hello appeared first on Tonya VanWinkle.

I left my Momma’s Missouri home on February 13th. That had been my plan for about a week. I woke up one day and I knew that it was time. Time to go home, time for her to get back to some sort of normalcy and time for each of us to get back to life. I could have left then, but I didn’t feel right about not being there for her birthday and giving it a bit extra time to be sure of my decision. My husband encouraged me the entire time I was there with her not to return if I was going to be too worried about her. Sometimes that man amazes me.

I think what truly convinced me that it was time, was the change in Momma’s attitude. I started seeing glimpses of the Momma I know and love, the one the illness had stolen from me and replaced with a moody Momma. She was starting to pick on me again, and to laugh – although, she tried hard not to because that still hurt her stomach. Seeing her smile, laugh, and joke made my heart happy. It was the sign I needed to know that she was truly on the mend.

Now that doesn’t mean that the woman is not stubborn as mule. She kept trying to eat things she shouldn’t and I’m hoping she learned her lesson and hasn’t continued doing that! She meets with the Doctor tomorrow for her follow up and I’m curious as to what he will tell her. Some of the paperwork we received gave us mixed messages and let me tell you what, that is annoying! Especially, when you are trying to follow the instructions and they say you can have toast and toast was bad, bad, bad.

I would have liked to be there for tomorrows follow up appointment but that would have kept me there a full two weeks after the time I knew that it was time for me to head on home. The weather the night before I left was trying to put a dent in my plans for travel and so I did watch it closely. I don’t put much stock in the weather channel or weather reporters. I mean if you really wanna know what it is doing outside, go outside and find out. I have often said that being a weatherman is one of the jobs you get paid to lie to people.

I did pay attention though. Tim went to work. School was not cancelled for Halen. The roads were clear. It was simply cold and windy. I knew I was safe to continue on with my plans. I even waited until 10 a.m. to head out, just to ensure my safe travel. Plus, I had to play Tetris – aka load my car. Momma was worried and kept trying to get me to stay an extra day or two. She’d be worried no matter what. I’m going to have to start carrying a gun with me just to ease her worries when I travel. I don’t have an issue with driving cross country, other than after awhile it gets tiring and I’m ready to be done. My back also gets to bugging me so I have to be watchful of that and take the required measures to ensure it doesn’t get out of hand. I’m actually very comfortable in my car, it’s something about the seats.

[image error]

It would have been easy to stay a couple more days, but it wouldn’t have made the inevitable any easier. So, I had to treat it like a bandaid and rip it off. It stung a little as I hate seeing my Momma cry for any reason what-so-ever. Also, that little Teddy Bear dog of hers, well he just became my pal. He loved riding shotgun with me anytime I went somewhere. He kept following me up and down the hall and prancing around like he was gonna get to go with me. If I could have taken him, I would have. My husband specifically said, “Do not bring any dogs home.” He also said, “No, you cannot get a kitten yet.”

 

[image error]

Teddy Bear so sweet and he doesn’t shed. I don’t mind dogs at all, they’re rather loving, well most. We have Roxie (German Shepherd), poor girl, losing all her hair and having health issues. You’d think she was far older than her 9 years. She’ll be 10 in November. She’s turning gray and white, and walks around like a really old lady. What I do mind though, is the shedding. I can’t stand it! Teddy Bear is the perfect dog, he does not shed! If I ever have another dog, it will be a Teddy Bear type, because I am not dealing with the hair. So I told him, when you become a Papa…

 

Momma sent me such a sad photo though: “Someone is looking for you.”

[image error]

I’m sure gonna miss that little fella. He was my partner in crime, whenever Halen was busy or not home. I miss them all, honestly, but I don’t live in Missouri and there’s nothing I can do about that right now. For the past year, I have mentioned several times that I’d like to be closer to home. I’m not sure I could handle ten minutes down the road, but closer would be nice, just because of family. I mean, I haven’t even lived in the same state since I was 21. So these months that I spent with Momma was the longest I’ve been in the same place as her since then. Crazy uh? Military life, what can I say.

Even my daughter has mentioned to me, how she’d like that, or like to have the ability to take Nana to lunch or spend the day with her. She is appalled when people who live close enough to their grandparents or other family members don’t go see each other. She’s like, “I’ve never had that. If my grandparents and I were in the same area, I’d go visit. I’d spend time with them.” She like me, as also wondered if it’s an “age” thing. It never really got to me before, but with her off on her own and Brier graduating and David traveling with work, I think to myself, what am I gonna do? All my people are busy and my other people are a 2 day drive away.

That’s part of the reason I headed on back to Missouri as quickly as I did, to care for my Momma. I don’t live close, if something had happened or if that had become an emergency – it would have taken me time to get there. Time I didn’t want to fool around with. I simply wanted to be there, to care for her, to keep an eye on her and just in case I was seriously needed.

I did a lot of stuff while I was there. I took on a lot more than I should have probably, but well, like my Momma I learn the hard way. I learned a lot while I was there too… I realized I get a lot more things from my Momma than I knew. I always blamed my stubbornness on my Dad…can we say WRONG. Whew!

Anyway, I enjoyed my time mostly. Some days were harder than others. Some days I got a little mad or irritated – when do I not? haha Some days were great and fun. Some had fleeting moments of peaceful quiet. Quiet is a rare thing at Momma’s, so much so that now as I sit in the quiet I have noticed my ears keep ringing. I’ll be glad when that passes.

Everything I did though, I did for them and to keep myself busy so I wouldn’t miss my own home and family even more than I did. If I kept myself moving, I didn’t have time to dwell on that part. I enjoyed cooking for them, mostly Tim, but I enjoyed it because the man will eat anything. I wish my crew was like that. Cooking would be a lot less frustrating if so, but alas, I have picky eaters. There will be no tortilla soup or potato soup for them and no chili either.

Before Christmas I continually saw this advertisement for a Christian Planner. It was beautiful and on sale! Buy one get one half off! What a steal. I thought, “this is perfect!” I’ll get one for myself and one for Momma. What I didn’t realize at the time, however, is that even though it is beautiful, it is not illustrated. Therefore, all those pretty pictures, drawings, quotes and so forth were added by none other than each owner of his or her own planner.

Now, I am not talented in drawing the way my daughter is and sadly, neither is Momma. What’s a girl to do! Oh wait! I’m very skilled in the art of Hobby Lobby! So off to the store I went and purchased stickers to decorate our planners with, again on sale! I know my HL coupon rotation, trust me!

All is well again and while no, it’s not what I expected I love it anyway. I’ve made it my very own. So that’s cool and each morning I get up. I read from my two devotionals and write the scriptures into the corresponding date of my planner. I pick out a word that seems to stand out from the reading and write it in another color in capital letters. I may or may not add a sticker or ten and then I get on with my day. Oh, I also check off a few things. They say, in order for the dream to work, you have to

WRITE IT DOWN.

I’m getting better at that every day.

One of the really awesome things about this planner is the inspiration you see in all levels of art. From those of us really bad at it – yet trying, to those of us who are simply amazing! And then, the inspiration of mischief managed – or chaos controlled, is WOW! Where one may not be good at art, they sure do pick up the slack elsewhere. Trust me. It’s all good stuff!

This is provided to you through Instagram and a dedicated Facebook group. (The group may be hidden as it is private – Christian Planner Family). The wonderful thing about the Facebook group is the community, the daily prayer requests, the book recommendations, and people are even signing up to be pen pals! I LOVE that! It’s all so up my alley. I am really enjoying starting my day with it.

[image error]Anyway, a few weeks back someone shared a picture of a book that had me very curious. What do most bookworms do when presented with a new title? Yup, you guessed it. I bought it. The little book is called, When God Winks, How the Power of Coincidence Guides Your Life by SQuire Rushnell.

A totally new to me author, who is not new at all! He’s been around for a good while. God Winks have even been a series on the Today show! Of course, I wouldn’t know that without having read the first parts of this book, but still, how did I miss this? I can seriously thank that group for cluing me in!

 

[image error]I’ve been longing to write a post since I began reading the book. I had to put the book down and wait a bit. It’s asking me a lot of “thinking” questions and I will probably have to revisit these questions more than once. What I thought I might do though, is share with you the nuggets of wisdom I pluck from this book as I work my way through to discovering the God Winks in my own life. I thought instead of keeping this all to myself, perhaps if I did what I do best and wrote it out it would come to me more naturally.

 

[image error]

The book is only 162 pages, however, there are a few others in the series from what I’m understanding. So here’s a chance for you to get to know me even further. From time to time I will post a “Noted: God Winks” post, and that will be a post answering the questions asked or coming to a realization that, yup that was a God Wink. Know what I mean? Hopefully, it will be something you are interested in reading or will enjoy. Either way, it’s my website, my outlet and I’m gonna keep track of it right here.

[image error]

 

First response and in no way complete. Therefore, I will revisit this again, but for now:

I wanted to be an author. I was eight. I’m not sure where I was. I think my grandparents home with them and my Mom. I don’t know that it, actually scratch that, I do know. The event was the end of my parents marriage. I needed a healthy outlet and quickly learned that I liked to write. As time went on, I was encouraged by my Mom, Grandpa, Creative Writing teachers and Librarians to keep writing, to share my stories. I rarely, if ever shared them – it’s still an issue that I’m working through.

My first steps toward an actual writing career where I was paid actual money could be considered nothing more than dabbling. Yet, I remained encouraged by family members and friends alike. I took a few classes here and there. I’ve had countless blogs, helped write vows, written poetry and even a sermon once. I’ve written parts of my personal testimony, countless incomplete stories and basically journaled since the ripe age of eight. I’ve befriended other authors. I’ve been introduced to the Indie Author world, which was a major heartbreaking lesson, but resulted in my first paycheck as an author.

I think the God Winks are all around me. I was constantly encouraged, but the most memorable moment was when my Grandpa found and read a letter I’d written to a family friend who was dying of AIDS. I forgot to mail it. My Grandpa was sad that I didn’t mail it, that Linda didn’t get to read my words of comfort. It was then that I realized my writing could reach into the heart of another person verses just giving them an enjoyable story to read.

Further through out my dabbling I’ve had moments, God Winks, I suppose, where family or friends that I’ve shard my words with have said to me over and over, “You have a way with words.” I’ve heard it so many times, I guess I finally decided to believe it. When I’m discouraged, which is a lot as it takes great courage to open up your heart and lay your dreams in another hands, I remind myself, God doesn’t call the qualified.

I may have a way with words. I feel I have my good days and my bad days, but truth be told my grammar and punctuation – whoa baby! Does that ever need help. I write like I talk – that’s just the way I am. Real. Imperfect me. Who loves to dabble with the beauty of words and do my best to cause the reader to simply feel something. For the readers out there that can accept that, y’all are my tribe and I love you.

Well, it’s off to bed for me. Tomorrow is a new day. A day to see how Momma is progressing and a day closer to my going home. She’s doing well. Eating her “pourable” foods and being very cautious. She’s tired a lot and seems unsure of how she should or should not be feeling, which is to be expected. I mean, how would you know for sure, never having this type of surgery done before. She has managed her own showers, taken clothing out of the dryer (though I did have to pick up the basket for her), and today she swept and swifter mopped the living room. So progress! Sneezing, coughing and laughing all still hurt. However, she looks good, or at least I think she does.

My plan is to head home to Virginia on the 13th. The day after her birthday, by then I should feel secure in leaving her. I believe she is ready to get back to some sort of normalcy and I don’t blame her as I myself ache for that very thing. I feel it is time for me to go. I feel it as strongly as I felt the need for my arrival back in November. If my husband and daughter were not sick with the flu and contagious until Monday, I might would head out earlier, but I don’t want the flu! Is that mean of me? I hope not. I want to be able to stop and see Ashlynn and to snuggle my hubby when I get home. Won’t be any fun if they’re both still sick. I really hope and pray Brier doesn’t get it. I need to hug and love on my people!

Anyway, keep those prayers coming for Momma’s recovery and I’ll keep you updated on her. Also, prayers for my family and my upcoming travel. Thank you so much for all your prayers, love and support during this time. If you feel called to chip in and help Momma with those medical bills it would be a huge blessing to her.

Love,

Tonya

The post The Christian Planner appeared first on Tonya VanWinkle.

Momma’s surgery is tomorrow morning. The arrival time for her is 5:30 a.m. It has been a very long wait and I wish we had a feeling of peace about us regarding it. It seems we’ve had mixed messages from Doctors and that just leaves us unsettled.

Momma’s regular Doctor who has treated her for twenty years made us feel that this is very serious. She told us that in all her years she’s only treated five patients with this and that Momma’s hernia is larger than all those. It’s the largest she has seen that has not strangulated and become an emergency surgery.

Doctor Edwards made us feel as if, oh this is just a walk in the part, very common and that he does it all the time. I don’t have warm fuzzy feelings there. I’m concerned. Does he really think he can do this and do it laparoscopically? Or is he going to get in there and be like, oh crap! Do you know what I mean?

What we do know is that this has to be done and so forward we go, with hopes and prayers for major success. We leave our uneasiness in the hands of the almighty and we walk on in faith.

The below information I share for all the family/friends asking questions.

Things that we do know: 

Nothing to eat or drink after midnight. This is to prevent the potential for aspiration. So tonight we eat at the Texas Roadhouse in celebration of Halen’s 7th birthday (which is Saturday) and so that Momma may have a nice meal before her entire diet is turned upside down.
No chewing gum, candy or mints.
No smoking, chewing tobacco, e-cigarettes, nicotine patches, nicotine gum.
Brush your teeth, but DO NOT swallow any water.
Follow instructions for showering prior to procedure.
Where clean clothes that button up or zip up, easy to put on/take off.
Stop all herbal supplements.
Do not wear any jewelry, hearing aides, dentures, partial plates or contacts.
No lotions, conditioner, deodorants, or perfumes.
Keep her stomach from stretching, eat small frequent meals, when able to return to a soft diet.
Drink small amounts at a time, so not to stretch the stomach. 1/2 cup.
Sit upright while eating and stay upright for 30 minutes after each meal. Do not lie down for 2 hours after eating your last meal.
Eat very slowly. Take small bites.
Avoid crusty breads and sticky, gummy foods, such as bananas, fresh doughy breads, rolls and doughnuts.
If you eat sweets, consume them at the end of your meal to avoid a group of symptoms referred to as “dumping syndrome”. This describes the rapid emptying of foods from the stomach to the small intestine. This can cause symptoms of nausea, weakness, cold sweats, cramps, diarrhea and dizzy spells.
Avoid drinking through a straw. Do not chew gum. These actions cause you to swallow air which produces gas in your stomach. Chew with mouth closed.
Avoid any foods that cause stomach gas and distention. These foods include: corn, dried beans, peas, lentils, onions, broccoli, cauliflower, and any food from the cabbage family.
Avoid carbonated drinks, alcohol, citrus and tomato products.
Clear liquid diet for the first few meals. Then advance to full liquid diet.

Clear Liquid Diet:

Apple Juice, Cranberry juice, Grape juice, Chicken broth, Beef broth, Flavored gelatin, Decaf tea and coffee, Caffeinated beverages are permitted based on tolerance, popsicles, and Italian ice.

Full Liquid Diet: 

Milk, soy, rice and almond, cream of wheat, cream of rice, grits, strained creamed soups (no tomato or broccoli), Vanilla or strawberry flavored ice cream, Herbert, blended, custard styled or whipped yogurt (plain or vanilla only), vanilla or butterscotch pudding, Nutritional drinks including Ensure Boost, Carnation Instant Breakfast.

We then have a strict list of foods she can eat once permitted to the soft diet. Choking is a real concern. We will be keeping a super close eye on Momma and praying for the success of this and her recovery. We know how tired she is of being sick and tired and how desperately she wants to simply get back to living.

Also, if you could pray that Halen understands why her birthday celebration may not be top notch this year, as Momma will be in the hospital on Halen’s 7th birthday, which is Saturday. We are hoping Momma will be able to be home by Sunday and perhaps we can open gifts then.

I will post regular updates via Facebook tomorrow and write as soon as I can. Please keep my Momma, my family, and the doctors/nurses covered in prayer as we go forward.

Thank you.

Love,

Tonya

 

The post Pray with Us appeared first on Tonya VanWinkle.

It seems like I just spoke on this topic, yet it’s still weighing upon my heart. I’m gonna be straight up honest with y’all. Yesterday, was a bad day. I got mad. I do that, don’t you? I didn’t want to get up to begin with, but I did it anyway. I sat at the table trying to read my devotions, but Momma was listening to some Preacher on the radio again. Which is totally fine and I did laugh at some of the things he said, but I cannot read and listen at the same time. I’m not that talented.

So devotions took longer than normal and one of mine has scriptures you can color, so I was “doodling” while listening. Once Momma left for work, I finished my reading/writing for the day. I ate some lunch and by that time Tim was back home. The weather has been messy lately and he doesn’t work in that. He was sleeping in his recliner and I still felt rather tired. I thought, it is quiet, perhaps I should try to sneak in a little nap before I get started on something.

…And that’s when all heck broke loose. Within thirty minutes I was fit to be tied and madder than an ole wet hen. I had barely dosed off when I heard my phone. I ignored it. Then I heard the text. I ignored that. Then I heard Tim’s loud mouth and not long after my phone was ringing again. I thought, what the heck!

I have rarely attempted a nap here, at home I take one most every day. I love naps. They keep me going. Naps around here though are very few and far between. Honestly, I feel guilty over them here. It’s not like at home, where I get this look about me (I don’t even know what it looks like but my husband does)  and he just grins and says, “Nap time?” (He knows me so well) I give him a kiss and head on upstairs to the comfort of our bed.

I’m missing him and my home more and more each day, which makes things harder. The pace of this home is far higher than my own, which is exhausting in itself. I’m not used to this at all. As a matter of fact I do more here than I do in my own home! I should probably fix that, even still, the pace of my home wouldn’t match this one. Ever.

I pretty much have an empty nest, but the pace of my home has always been rather chill. I can nap when I want to. I can do a, b, or c when I feel like it or when the sudden burst of energy hits. I can dance to the beat of my own drum no matter how slow it is, without seriously upsetting the balance and I like it that way.

I, unknowingly, upset the balance here. It had one person stuck in the middle, one person afraid to talk and then myself – and I got mad. I’ve gotten mad a few times since I’ve been here and for the most part been able to keep it under my hat. Yesterday, I failed.

I have multiple playlists on Spotify. One of those being my “Therapy” list and well, I had it playing pretty loudly as I yanked things off the wall and began the process of finishing a project. When Cayenne walked in to assist, I barely heard her whispered, “Hi Sissy“.

I wasn’t handling anything gently. Frustrations and stress are high, tension is tight and I – I need a break. A day to breathe, a quiet moment and for the world to just stop for a second – so that I can catch my breath and keep pace with things around here. And then, maybe, just maybe it will all be okay. I’m not the energizer bunny, nor am I as strong as most think.

Of course, I did bring a lot of things on to myself. I really gotta stop that. I just thought I’d do some nice things while here. I never imagined they would become the tipper of the balance beam. Order, however, has been restored, as best it can be. It does bother me that something I’d wanted to be “special” is now stained with the wrong emotions.

Sadly, I can’t erase that. In the words of my friend Tara, “It’s not like spaghetti. Once it’s out, you can’t suck it back in.” Perhaps, that’s why GRACE UPON GRACE has become a mantra that plays over and over in my head. Still, I am human. A human chalk full of emotions. Aren’t we all?

Wait a minute…

All y’all out there that identify as a dragon, or dog, or mermaid cat or whatever the heck you wanna call yourself…you are straight up crazy because you are human too. That’s the way God made ya whether you like it or not so get over it.

Yesterday, I failed.

Today, I’m doing laundry.

Surgery is in SEVEN days.

Momma is feeling under the weather again and I’m positive the stress of life, the frustrations, irritations and all the feelings swirling around inside her, makes everything worse.

So, if y’all could just keep her and our family high on that prayer list I’d sure appreciate that.

Oh, and stay safe out there!

Love ya!

~Tonya

The post Restore Them Gently appeared first on Tonya VanWinkle.

I have multiple song lyrics running through my head at the moment. An Eric Clapton song, a Diamond Rio song, and some song about Flowers. Which is making it really difficult to write. It’s like the words are spinning around up there but I can’t seem to latch onto them.

Kinda like last night with Halen, she wanted to help me make pizza. Which was totally fine, I didn’t mind letting her help. The problem however, was the little hurricane that she is wouldn’t stop whirling around the kitchen long enough to actually help. I felt like Sebastian in the Little Mermaid!

[image error]

I feel like my brain is on overdrive and begging for the motion to stop, to be still. So I can hear, and feel, and listen as the words wash over me verses plucking them one by one from midair. Plucking equals one long writing session. The thing is, sometimes we have things we want to say and we struggle with just the right thing to say, how to say it, what to say and even when.

We stress over it. We say too much or not enough. We feel guilty and overwhelmed. We don’t like confrontation. We don’t want to argue or complain. We don’t want to sound unappreciative or not thankful enough. The list goes on and on. The words spin round and round in our brain and get caught in our throat.

Someone does something super nice for you, they bless you in ways they may not even understand, and your heart becomes so overwhelmed by their kindness that you are truly at a loss for words.

[image error]

Sometimes when we pray, all we can really say is, “Lord, listen to my heart because I cannot find the words.” And that’s okay, because He knows. He knows when you are so overwhelmed with feelings, and emotions, and exhaustion, and pain, and joy, and love… He knows it all and it doesn’t matter if you have the words. The Holy Spirit lives within and He speaks on your behalf when you know not what to say. [image error]

EDIFICATION: The instruction or improvement of a person morally or intellectually.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if He could do that with the people in our lives too? Speak on our behalf.

I mean how many times have you put off a conversation you know you need to have with someone? How many times has a kind gesture been wordlessly received because the weight of it was so wonderful you knew not how to respond! Wouldn’t it be nice if the Holy Spirit could just have those conversations for you?

A scripture that has been playing over and over in my head for about two weeks now is Galatians 6:1-2.

Brothers and Sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted, carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

[image error]

Even scripture tells us to TALK to one another. It doesn’t matter if it’s in times of trouble, heartache, or gratitude. Do you know what I mean? Yes, some conversations are easier than others and some you truly do not have words for.

If I could tell you every thing in my heart, I would, but that is impossible. If I could send each one of you – who have blessed my Momma with a financial gift – flowers, I would! But right now if I have extra money I need to not buy flowers, know what I mean? So, I’m left with my simple words and all I can do is pray they are enough.

As all of you know, my Momma is sick. Surgery is in TEN days! It may be the longest ten days of our life, but we are almost there. There have been a lot of medical tests that have lead up to this point and each of them have greeted us with a very ugly price tags. There has been work missed which means a rather small paycheck. Then, there’s the bills – you just can’t stop those things from arriving.

Anyway, a few people have CHIPPED IN via that money pool I set up for Momma. What I really want to say here, sounds so wrong, but I’m going to say it anyway. It’s sitting at a measly $145. However, I am beyond thankful for each and every single dollar. It might not cover much, but it does cover something and I did say, every penny helps. Well, it’s certainly more than a penny.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!!

It just seems really small when your looking at the big ugly amount of bills we’re trying to chip away at with it. Does that make sense? My sister Cayenne told me this morning, “Stop looking at it like that and just look at each penny.” She’s right, but it is difficult not to look at the whole picture, is it not?

Some of you have mailed us a gift and these gifts have been mind blowing. I say that because they arrive unannounced and it seems, at just the right moment in time too. One day a gift of $100 arrived and it covered the bills that were not being met that week. The next time a $200 gift arrived and guess what the bill was due the next day! I mean these gifts, they just show up, right when we really need them.

And each time Momma says to me, “Well, why did she send me that?” Umm, you goofball! To help you!

She cannot seem to wrap her head around the fact that family and friends are reaching out, blessing her and trying to keep her uplifted during this difficult time that she’s in. The thankfulness and love in her heart because of your kindness has left her speechless.

So she says to me one day, could you write something up, it doesn’t have to be long, just a little thank you. I don’t want people feeling like I’m ignoring their gift but I, I just don’t know what to say either. I don’t do well with writing “small” so this is probably longer than she was thinking.

Some of you have asked that we keep the gift just between us. Therefore, I won’t say any names, you know who you are. What we need you to know, each and every one of you, is that we are thankful beyond words. To us, our measly little thank you feels small in comparison to the size of your blessing, but we pray you appreciate our attempt anyway.

Please keep those prayers coming, they weigh more than pennies, even though we need those pennies too.

Love y’all,

~Tonya

The post If I Could… appeared first on Tonya VanWinkle.

As a mom, wife, husband, father, and even a child I’m sure we have all witnessed things that make us shake our head at the other. Just as I am sure many of us have experienced, “oh, that just gets under my skin!” irritation. It’s like a bad rash, with no cure. Every time it happens, you’ve got two options.

Grin and Bear it.
Lose it.

Since I have been here at Momma’s, many, oh so many things have gotten under my skin and made me wanna scream! I ain’t gonna lie to you, when Tim and Halen get together, whew! Those two could make a Saint cuss and take up drinking. I have no earthly idea how Momma handles it. It is extremely grating and it certainly does not help with Momma feeling poorly.

I mean…you know how in some animated movies or cartoons – where someone kinda-sorta-accidentally on purpose gets shot in the butt with a tranquilizer dart? Oh yeah! I have totally envisioned doing just that! Especially when I see Momma trying to rest, asking them to please stop, or “grinning and bearing it” when I so totally know she wants to LOSE it!

Heck, I wanna lose it! I mean can’t they see they are not helping any by acting a fool like a bunch a dadgum hyenas.

BUT… I don’t live here. I’m not married to him – love him to death on the days I don’t wanna strangle him – but oh, am I ever thanking Jesus for the husband I have and am I ever praying extra hard for Momma. Cause y’all, I straight up do not know how she does it! I wouldn’t last one year. Truth.

Perhaps that is why I feel God constantly repeating this simple word to me.

[image error]

When I want to lose it, he says, “Grace“.

When I want to tell Tim, or Momma’s work, or doctors exactly what I think, he says, “Grace.”

When I’m tired and I’ve had enough, he says, “Grace.”

…and let me tell you, there have been a few failing moments and I’m beyond positive there will be several more. I ain’t perfect, by no means and well, try as I might I don’t always behave or listen as I should. Shoot, I’m even worried about how this post will be perceived.

However, in this season of my life, God is constantly reminding me to extend grace to those I love and even to those I really do not like. It’s not easy. It’s straight up HARD! Tim has a special way of driving everyone he comes into contact with insane! I truly believe he could test the patience of a saint. He’s just that talented, and sadly patience is something I sorely lack.

I hope he truly realizes what an amazing wife he has in Momma. I know I’m biased, after all, she is my Momma. But WOW! You wanna learn how to extend grace, come stay awhile with Momma and watch her.

I do feel God telling me though, step back, take a breather, and extend grace. I’m gonna be real honest here, I often pray that the good Lord will just put his hand over my mouth. I know he’s keeping me in check. Otherwise, I’d have done lost it, many times over, and that would be ugly…very, very ugly.

And I have no desire to make things any worse. So…

GRACE.

There have been somethings occur at Momma’s work and I feel I must be very careful with anything I say here or to anyone in her building. Which is sad. I even have to be careful with what pictures/videos I share with her for her Facebook, because you must not be too sick if your posting on Facebook.

SERIOUSLY!

Momma sits right here on this couch, lays in her bed, or walks to the bathroom and yeah once in awhile she looks out the front door! It is her home. She takes pictures/videos in it, most of them from the couch or she receives them from one of her adult children to share. She’s not out galavanting around, partying and crap. Shoot, she couldn’t handle that!

Oh Lord! Help me with that Grace, I’m struggling here. 

Christmas Eve, my sisters and I were in the kitchen drinking wine and making fudge. Yes, I’m a Christian and yes, I like wine. I’ll write my most likely unpopular opinion on that in another post for you sometime. Anyway, we were having a good ole time and we felt bad because Momma wasn’t in there with us. Normally, she would have been, with her coffee. Cayenne kept asking me, “is she okay?”

Well, no, not really but until surgery there’s not much we can do. So, the sisters and I did our thing and we peaked into the living room to check on Momma from time to time, wishing she felt up to being in there with us. It just wasn’t the same.

Christmas was overwhelming for Momma, but she did her best to be an active participant. Her actions were that of listening and observing, verses cooking, playing games and so forth. And that is OKAY. We didn’t want her over doing it. This year was “active rest“. Next year she can be active and join in on the reindeer games.

There are days, when I’ve taken her somewhere, for example Church. I take her every Sunday and by the time we make it back home, y’all she’s done for. Whatever energy she had, it’s gone. She’s gonna change into something comfortable and take a nap or sit on the couch. I could take her out for lunch, we’ve done that once after Church and let me tell you what, that was hard for her.

She wants to do things. She tries to do things. She hates not doing things. I’ve tried to step back a bit and let her do more, but then I feel bad. She can’t stop living simply because she is sick. You wouldn’t believe what I know, what they said or how they hurt her. And y’all know how well I handle it when someone hurts my Momma…

GRACE.

She is so sick y’all. So very sick. Every day she forces herself to get up, to go to work, and to do her best. I wish she’d just let Dr. Kim take her off work but her reasoning is: I have a responsibility, a responsibility to my employers and my patients. I need the money. I have bills, more responsibilities. I have to make it to my surgery date, at least. So, she’s running herself ragged for a company that I have a poor opinion of.

She drags herself through the door at the end of the day and she looks awful. There are days I don’t even know how she managed to make it home. She shuffles through the door, drags herself down the hall to her room and does one of two things.

Immediately lays down.
Takes a shower & then lays down.

I know she has responsibilities and needs money for the bills. I know that’s why she’s forcing herself to work until this surgery. I know she’s stressed about it and stressed about her job. The stress of all that doesn’t help her either! We have the Family Medical Leave paperwork in place…but I’ve a feeling about somethings with that company. Once I see how all this plays out, I’ll let you know if I was right. Until then…

GRACE – even when I don’t wanna!

Surgery is THIRTEEN days away. Momma is miserable, more so than she has been or even lets on. She says her chest fills fuller, as if the stomach has moved further up. You can even feel it in her chest now. She can draw a circle around it with her finger and show you. It’s huge. She can’t seem to get comfortable; sitting, laying, or standing. It doesn’t matter.

She’s in pain and she doesn’t feel good because of all this. She’s exhausted beyond measure, in every way, and in MY opinion she needs to sit and rest until surgery. WHY? Because this thing is already worse, because she’s gonna end up sick and they’ll have to put the surgery off, and because of the simple RISK that this thing could become an emergency very quickly. Because the people she’s sacrificing herself for…

Oh Jesus! Help me extend that GRACE!

But Momma is determined, and stubborn, and set in her ways and therefore…

GRACE – even when I wanna shake some sense into her.

I pray Dr. Edwards knows what he’s doing, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit worried about this. The changes I’ve seen in her…something’s different. Something feels off. I still can’t believe we’ve had to wait TWO months for this!

I know, Lord. GRACE.

Four days ago, that’s how long I’ve been trying to finish this post, Momma posted a post about me. I don’t know why she does that craziness. Anyway, Nancy commented on the post and said, “I think Tonya was just born to be the caretaker.” Oh Nancy, Nancy, Nancy. How I desperately wish you were right and visions of dart guns were not dancing in my head.

Truth is, I’d rather be home. It’s peaceful and quiet at home. People don’t drop by at 10 p.m. My husband and children are at home. My things are at home. I can sleep in. I like being in my own home. So much is at home and I cannot wait to return to it, where I belong. I might even have an approximate countdown going on in my head. BUT I am needed here and y’all, you only get one Momma. One real and true Momma.

When she’s gone – she’s gone. So love her with all you’ve got for the time you’ve got her. Because someday God is gonna call her home. I want no regrets. I’m sure some with arise regardless as I assume that’s one of those things we all run into no matter what.

Thing is, I don’t want her to be taken from me, slowly or suddenly, and not have taken every opportunity I that I am given to love her – and loving her includes loving Tim. I really do love him, he just annoys me something fierce. So, GRACE it is.

You know, my Grandma used to call me all the time. I loved her calls, but sometimes I didn’t pause and take the time for them. Sometimes, I said to myself, I’ll call her back later. Then I’d forget and sometimes, I even ignored it. If I could undo one thing, I’d pause and take every call, every moment to be present. It’s not mistake I intend to make again, with anyone I love.

I guess that’s why God is impressing upon my heart two words this year. Grace and Present. He knows where I struggle. He knows all my shortcomings and failings. He knows I’m gonna snap from time to time. I mean come on, he made me! He knows me best. So, if he says Grace and be Present. Then I shall do my best and be thankful that he loves me when I stumble, when I fall and even when I lose it.

I am needed.

Needed to extend love, grace and to be present in all of life’s moments. The up’s, the down’s, and even the round and round’s. Cause y’all I see things, I hear things, and I want to fix ALL things. I want her healthy. I want her happy. I want her home nice, clean and organized for her. I want so many things for her. She is my Momma. She’s my number one best friend. I love her, so why wouldn’t I want all that and more for her?

Therefore, I am here, doing the hard things. Hard, because extending grace that can be about as hard as forgiving someone whom you feel doesn’t deserve it. Truth is, we didn’t deserve it either when Jesus hung upon that cross and said, Father forgive them. He paid the ultimate price and created the bridge for us to enter Heaven because Jesus is Love.

[image error]

Hard doesn’t stop us from loving, forgiving, or even extending grace. Satan does.

Please keep those prayers coming, for all of us, especially Momma. The stress of her job, responsibilities, and medical bills is truly weighing on her. If you feel called to CHIP IN, we’d be forever grateful for your kindness, love and support towards our family during this season of our life.

And if I find one more plastic fork, knife, or spoon in the sink…

Love,

~Tonya

The post The Plastic Silverware appeared first on Tonya VanWinkle.

We gonna begin this post with a prayer, cause either I need it, or someone out there needs it or something! Cause Lord Jesus, let me tell you!

Heavenly Father, help my eyes unsee the things I’ve seen! If the post that follows is viewed as judgmental, then Lord, unburden me of the judging, because Father, somethings just shouldn’t be! I’ve been traumatized Lord and if these things I see are traumatizing me, then surely others are being affected as well. We need ya, Lord. Oh, we need ya! There are some ugly and troubling things here on earth. Some far worse than what’s on my mind currently, I know, but we need ya just the same. In the light of things and the dark of things. Whether we laugh or cry and whether we shield our eyes or feel like they’re bugging out of our head. No matter the moment we find ourselves sitting in, I know we need ya and I thank you for being there. And Lord, please be with that fella that was at the Ozark Walmart, cause he needs some suspenders. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Now, then…

Many people have told me, “You write like you talk.” Well, DUH! Of course I do, if I didn’t, it wouldn’t be me writing it! I don’t want to sound like anyone but me! If that ain’t okay, then I don’t know what to tell ya. I may not be as qualified as some, but I have stories and words in my heart and on my mind that I wanna share. Therefore, I’m gonna share them.[image error]

So, sit back, fasten your seatbelts and y’all hang on! Sometimes my train of thought bounces around like that ole Jeep outside. That pieced together, rickety rackety thing the kids drive round and round the house. I promise, I eventually, do get to the point.

Before I tell you what happened, let me mention author friend, Kari Trumbo. On Friday’s she generally posts something called, Slightly Snarky Friday. These are humorous little posts meant to make you laugh or brighten your day. As I was thinking about writing this post I kept wondering, Lord, am I being slightly snarky here? Perhaps this post falls under that category. Therefore, I would feel wrong if I didn’t give Kari the credit for placing the thought “Slightly Snarky Friday” in my head.

Another author friend I need to give a shout out to is, Linda Hubalek. She has a wonderful series called Grooms with Honor. I’ve mentioned this series to my Momma a few times because it makes me laugh. The way these grooms were taught to for lack of a better word, cuss. Their father is a preacher and his way of cussing is by starting at the first book of the Bible and as the day progresses any time the urge to say the wrong word arises, what comes out of their mouth is something more along the lines of, “Oh, Deuteronomy!” It makes me giggle every time I read a part where one of the grooms is having himself a moment and what a way to memorize the books of the Bible! Did you ever have to do that in Sunday School?

Momma was telling me a story the other day about my Uncle Glen. He is currently in Israel and Momma is so jealous. Traveling to Israel is on Momma’s bucket list and two of her brothers, Glen and Arnold, are there and they are having the trip of a lifetime! A trip she desires to go on. Anyway, she’s telling me about when Uncle Glen got married and how he was upstairs just pacing back and forth, back and forth. All he would say over and over was, “Oh mercy.” She was so worried about him she went downstairs and told her parents, “Glen is upstairs and I guess he’s praying for mercy because he just keeps saying it over and over.” All I could think of when she was telling me this little story was about Linda’s books and perhaps Uncle Glen was having an “Oh, Deuteronomy” moment.

Wanna know the ironic thing? Uncle Glen is a pastor and his wife is named Linda. Uncle Arnold is also a pastor. Yep, I come from a line of pastors and alcoholics. Right side and wrong side of the tracks connecting and being woven together by love. Love is such a powerful thing.

I tell you these little tidbits because yesterday I had myself an OH, DEUTERONOMY moment! I was putting dinner together in the crockpot and realized the spinach had gone bad, and some of the ingredients were missing. So, off to the local Walmart I go in search of the items I need for dinner and well, of course, I found a few other things. Like a super soft sweater, in a shade of yellow that says something about needing caffeine. AND it just happened to be on clearance for seven dollars! How could a girl who loves coffee and the color yellow turn that down! I mean, come on.

I finished my shopping and I am exiting the store. As I do, I witness an older couple tell this man who is walking into the store that he dropped something. He thanks them and turns around to retrieve his property, then he heads on into the store. I unload my purchases and put my cart away. Then I climb into my cute little mini cooper and back out. I pull towards the front of the store, where I have to wait on people entering and exiting before I can carry on about my merry little way.

Well as it happens, the man that dropped something exits the store again and this time retrieves a shopping cart. I’ve no idea why, other than perhaps the cart collector boy needed to do some collecting. He gets his cart and turns to walk back into the store and this is where I am greeted with a traumatizing sight…

Oh, Lord!

Oh, Mercy!

Oh, Deuteronomy!

This man was an older man. He was bald on top and yet, had the remnants of a mullet hanging down his neck. I don’t remember if his shirt was long sleeves or short sleeves, because that is not what stood out. It was his belly. Most of us would call it a beer belly, a rather large one, as his shirt did not cover it all. Which, I understand some people have trouble with…

However…

He was wearing a pair of gym shorts, and Dear God, I pray he had underwear on but I truly do not know! As he walked back across my line of vision yet again, his shorts were just sliding further and further down with each step he took. I had a full view of his belly overhang and as he made it across the walk way, I found myself greeted with a full view of his ENTIRE hairy butt crack! Can we say GROSS! I found myself praying for everyone inside Walmart because if those shorts slipped any further…

Dear Heavens! 

That is something we do not want to see. I don’t wanna see it and honey, if you do, something ain’t right with you. That’s just nasty. If you are going to be out in public, you need to wear clothing that covers from the top of the chest to the middle of the thigh because I do not need to see the following:

Your boobs
Your butt
Your lady parts
OR your man parts
and if you THINK you’ve got some kind of other part, well you ain’t right, and I don’t wanna see that either!

Now, if you are a cute little thing and wanna show off your belly ring, then sister go for it! BUT if that belly be so big I cannot even see the ring, Oh, Deuteronomy! Girlfriend, cover that up. It ain’t pretty. I understand that whole, “love your body, love yourself” stuff, but honey, love yourself enough not to embarrass yourself. You want people to smile at you instead of cringe and inwardly scream, Oh, Deuteronomy! I promise you, that putting yourself on display is not becoming for man or woman. [image error]

Many of us women love leggings, no matter our size. I myself am one of them. They are stretchy and comfortable and let’s face it, they fit like a second skin. However, if I’m going to wear leggings, then the top I wear with them is going to cover my butt, as well as my front. Why?

I don’t want anyone seeing my belly – it ain’t cute and that’s just the truth. No self hate here. Truth is truth, whether I like it or not.
I once saw a very, very large woman in leggings with a crop top on. Oh, Deuteronomy! If that wasn’t bad enough, you could see every single…umm what’s the nice word here… dimple in her butt cheeks. So unattractive. I’m sure, with my current weight and the size of my tush, that it also ain’t cute. Therefore, cover that sucker up sister!

I like to feel pretty. I like to look nice or even sexy when I go out with my husband, but the truth of the matter is you’ve got to work with what you’ve got. A can of biscuits does not fit into a sardine can! Just sayin’ and that fella at Walmart, y’all someone should have gifted that man some suspenders for Christmas!

Now, I don’t want to offend folks, but in this day and age – you might as well wake up and check it off your list. People feel so entitled and offended over the dumbest things. I mean to tell you, common sense, decent morals and modesty, well, they’ve gone missing and a search party oughta be sent out after them. I don’t want to go a lot of places anymore because well…

It’s scary
It’s gross
And it’s just plain sad.

If I had been walking into Walmart behind this man, I would have mentioned to him that he is mooning the entire parking lot. Surely he knew, I mean it was kinda windy, but who knows – maybe not. I’m not afraid to tell someone, “hey your butt’s hanging out” and you shouldn’t be either. Instead of ignoring all this stuff that makes me feel slightly snarky and perhaps you too, we need to speak up. We need to get loud. We need to be heard.

So, the next time you see something that makes you vomit a bit in your mouth or inwardly cringe and cry out Oh, Deuteronomy, SAY SOMETHING. If enough of us start speaking up, maybe we’ll see a change in the world. I promise you, had little miss Halen been with me, words would have been said. She would have even rolled down the window to tell him. Children have no filter and they call it as the see it, so should we. I’m not saying be mean. You can be honest and gentle at the same time.

My niece, Hailie and I were at Starbucks not long ago and the young man working the register had a black smudge on the top of his nose from the marker they use to write on the cups. I noticed it and after he took our order, I kindly said, “Umm you’ve got a bit of marker on your nose.” His response, “Thank you.” Then he looked at his co-worker like, why didn’t you tell me? I felt for him, because she should have told him. They work in such a close proximity in there, that she had to know. If it were me, yes, it might be slightly embarrassing to be told at first, but I would appreciate being told more than working my entire shift with marker on my nose.

My niece could not believe I told him. She saw it too, but she remained silent and I believe was slightly embarrassed over the fact that I told him. What did she have to be embarrassed about? It wasn’t on her nose, ya know?

Just be honest with people. It doesn’t hurt. You can do it with a gentleness, something I’ve had to learn over the years and sometimes I still fail. If your friend asks you how something looks and it doesn’t look good or it is inappropriate for their shape/size then tell them that it is unflattering. Help them find something that makes them feel good, but is also flattering.

I feel for our young people growing up, because they don’t even know or understand why something is not okay. Take Halen for example, she’s six. She will be seven, really soon, and she’s been through a lot, she’s overcome a lot too. However, she thinks it’s cute to tie her t-shirts up at the side with a ponytail, until it’s high enough to show off her little midsection. I won’t let her go out with me like that, neither will Mom. We’re trying to teach her about modesty. We’re trying to teach her that kissy faces and tongues hanging out is not cute. Our world is so over sexualized that our young are suffering from it, so much so they don’t even know it’s a problem.

See, I told you, it’s sad out there. We gotta make a change folks, we just gotta. I should be able to go do my shopping without seeing body parts that oughta be covered up. I should also be able to take Halen with me and not worry about what she is going to see…or what may come out of her little mouth as a result of it.

Sometimes it’s okay to shake your head and carry on, but I think we’ve done too much of that and the time as come to start standing up, to start speaking up and to start showing up. It does us no good what-so-ever to ignore the things that ought not be ignored for fear of offending someone. They already offended, it’s time they got over it.

…and that’s my two-cents on this slightly snarky Friday moment.

Love y’all – stay decent!

~Tonya

The post Oh, Hairy Butts! appeared first on Tonya VanWinkle.

I didn’t write yesterday as I was running errands and working on Momma’s bathroom project. However, I’ve found myself in a bit of reflection for the past few days. You know how sometimes you hear something and then later, it plays over in your mind? New thoughts form based upon it and you simply find yourself in a state of reflection; looking back, thinking back…digesting.

Something I’ve been pondering for a few days is, tooting your own horn. People, some more than others, desire recognition for ALL the good things they’ve done. People also feel required to show some type of appreciation to for the good they’ve received from another. Y’all are probably going to get sick of my examples, but I have yet another one.

Christmas at Momma’s. She had this little manger thing and each day of December family members were supposed to lay a piece of straw in it, to prepare it for Jesus. When you laid your piece of straw in it, you were to say what good deed or kind thing you did that day. Well, a few days were missed…as I think is expected with those types of projects. Kinda like taking a photo a day, ya know? You forget, get busy, and it’s not a normal part of your daily routine. [image error]

Anyway, Christmas Day rolls around and Momma has me put all the straw that’s left in the manger. I didn’t say what good or kind thing I’d done, because Momma said it for me. Basically she said I got to lay all the straw in it for the good I’d been doing around her home.

I suppose this was Momma’s way of showing her appreciation. She also gave me money for Christmas, money she doesn’t have to give and what I did with that money with go with me to my grave. Just sayin’.

However…I personally did not need the recognition. I’m not saying that its a bad thing, but there are some of us who do not want the spotlight put on us. I am one of those people. I am not the golden child. I am not perfect, never will be, nor do I desire such a thing. I don’t need a pedestal. I am not better than so-and-so. I am simply here doing whatever I can to help. Doing things I know Momma likes, wants or appreciates having done and so forth, until she’s better and has the energy to do all these things again.

[image error]I don’t want the focus on me, just let me play in the background. I like it there. Recognition is nice and deserving, I suppose, but some of us feel guilty over receiving it. We tend to shy away from it. I don’t need to hear, “Your such a good daughter“. It’s not a matter of good, it’s a matter of LOVE. I love my Momma and I am showing her that love through my actions. Just as I assume any daughter or son would, but I know some don’t…and well, they should. Momma’s are special people and they love deeply.

I think about the Amish and how when the parents age they move into what they call a Grossdawdy Haus. A small house built on to or close to the house of the adult children. They believe that as the parents cared for the children, so too should the children care for the parents. Or at least everything I’ve ever read about the Amish way says so. And I believe they have it correct! We should care for our own. That feels natural to me. As if it is the way things should be done.

I also do not want any of my family or siblings thinking that I’m better than them because I’m doing a, b, or c! I don’t want them feeling as if I’m loved more because I did x, y, z. We’re ALL doing things. The things we can to help in our own individual ways. Each makes an impact and one does not outweigh the other, for love has no measure.

I live a pretty blessed life. I am a homemaker. I love that. I like being at home and because of that I am able to be here, to take care of Momma’s home for awhile. Jeff and Holly have full time jobs, so they squeeze in here when they can or when I really need their help with something. I know I can call them and say HEY!

Cayenne, who is also a homemaker, comes and helps me with projects but right now she’s dealing with a lot of puppies. Both her females had puppies, a total of twenty! So needless to say, she’s a bit busy. No matter the jobs, or the puppies, or simply life in general – if I call and say, “This is happening and I need help” one of them will come running, because we all LOVE.[image error]

When you love someone, you give, and I’m not talking material things.

We all care, and we all love, and we all do in our own little ways. For some of us, it is hard not only to receive a blessing or gift of kindness but also to be recognized for doing it. Sometimes that recognition leads to jealousy and it can take the focus away from where it’s meant to be. Do you see what I’m saying?

I’m not doing anything that feels unnatural. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard my siblings say, “I’m glad you’re here.” Not because they don’t want to be here, but because they do not have as much availability as I do. Yes, I miss my husband and children. Yes, I’m looking forward to returning to my home, where silence is beautiful thing. But right now, things need to be done and my little family is giving me the gift of time. Time to care for my Momma.

Therefore, it only makes sense that I’m here and I suppose being the oldest plays a part in it as well. Halen does think I’m mighty bossy. The thing is we pick up the slack, no matter where it needs picked up or who does the picking. It’s called, “working together“. Another name for it is, FAMILY.

Yesterday, Momma was telling me about a woman she knows through her work. This woman is never recognized for her good work, yet she continues to do it anyway. That’s love. Love for the career she chose, maybe not the company or some of its people, but the career. I’m sure she would love some recognition, maybe a pay raise and that I understand.

But when one is simply loving on their parent, sibling, child or even a complete stranger – there is no pay raise. There is no need for recognition because Love comes from God and he placed it within us to give.

Therefore, the praise belongs to him. Amen?

Love Y’all!

~Tonya

The post Toot Toot Toot! appeared first on Tonya VanWinkle.