Alexa D. Wayne's Blog: Lexie Wayne Blog
June 22, 2022
Requiem For The Previous Me
When I decided to legally change my name, I tested the waters with a few. I thought about who I was and what kind of artist I was. I knew I had to think it through because it would be the name I would wear for the rest of my life.
The thing is, we don’t know what we want. We only know what we don’t want. Doing the test of changing names and seeing it staring back at me when written on social media helped. I could scratch some and keep some.
But one thing is sure: Alexa Wayne, A.D. Wayne, and Lexie Wayne are all dead. That side of me doesn’t exist any longer. She is gone and buried six feet under. An iron cage above the tomb prevents her from rising again.
She helped me get to where I am, but she carries things I do not wish to drag anymore. The heaviness of the past is too heavy on my shoulders and breaks my heart.
The Voices DisappearedWhen I started writing as a vampire novelist, I released novels under the name I buried. Those voices spoke loudly and haunted my dreams. They were a part of me talking to me. They gave me a life I never thought I would have.
Vampires, monsters, paranormal and darkness were the subjects I wrote about and created stories from. I loved every part until it slowly became harder to write and eventually harder to breathe. My love for the subject was alive, but the voices that once were shouting were now mumbling.
The people around me came and went, and some remained but not without leaving scars. I am not perfect and never claimed to be. The artist I was just wasn’t anymore. I am fighting to keep my head above water, and the voices have left me for the first time in my life.
Without the voices, I am nothing but a mere reflection of myself in the mirror. I don’t see a path for me to take. I don’t see a hole for me to follow the white rabbit to wonderland. I don’t see the yellow brick road. Where am I to go? Wait…every example I gave they are some shape or form of a fairy tale.
Listen To Your Heart When It’s Calling For YouThe voices that vanished perhaps were expelled by my heart to let new voices in. I felt a change within me. I wasn’t drowning; I just had to not keep my head above water because I grew a tail to swim. Scars left behind are just jewelry we permanently wear. I am not perfect because I am not meant to be. I am told to find my fairy tale.
For the last two years, I was hurt, in much pain, and trying to understand the lesson I had to learn. There was no real lesson, only a time for me to cocoon to eventually emerge stronger and metamorphosed.
The voices stopped, and new ones slipped in. I just didn’t listen. I didn’t know what to do, so I cried and thought it was a defeat when it was a gift.
Finding the courage to accept our safe place crumbled down is hard. I was besieged by my own heart. It saw what I didn’t see…an opportunity. It knew I was in much pain, and it was time to change. The reflection in the mirror didn’t match who I was becoming. I was changing but didn’t realize it.
I knew something inside me wasn’t the same, but I didn’t know what and why. I thought it was a nightmare growing from within because change is scary. Walking away from toxicity is challenging and requires much strength I doubted I had. But I finally saw it.
There Is A Spark In My EyeI’ve spent most of my life hoping that I would become an author and live experiences I never thought possible. My mind was in knots, stuck in a confined space without hope for me to shine.
But what if my heart found a way to let light in? Perhaps it shows my thoughts how to untie? What if now who I used to be is no longer in my way, and my mind is mine? Would I be okay?
IrelandI let in a smile, and a spark was left in my eye when I stared at the horizon. An idea for a story finally bloomed like the reddest rose and had me stop for a moment for the first time in my life.
Is this how life is meant to be? Out there in my dreams is where I’ll find the me I want. I’ll make it happen with that spark in my eye and one rose that bloomed.
There are so many roads that aren’t paths yet. People come and go, but I know who my friends are now. Adventures await; I’m ready to take the paths nobody ever took.
There are mysteries I am ready to see and work with and mistakes I don’t have to regret. I have much to see and yet to become and write stories. I have a whole life’s worth of words before writing the ultimate ‘the end’ because, in truth, it never ends.
A Fairy Tale To TellThe new voices in my head lighted a spark in my eye, wrote a song for my heart, and ignited my soul. I might not walk as far as I used to know, but I haven’t a care. Stories bloom and roses multiply into a garden as far as the horizon reaches. I am born again from ashes with a story to tell.
For the first time in forever, a smile grows on my face and has me dancing on air. The voices sing a song I have known all my life. It starts with Once Upon A Time and ends with They Lived Happily Ever After…what if it’s me out there? With a new name and a smile on my face, and a spark in my eye. Don’t I owe myself to find myself out there and write all the stories the voices tell?
There are stories for everyone but mine that sang along. I thought I signed my voice away, but the contract broke, and it came back to me with a new melody. If I listen carefully, I hear all the stories. Fairy Tales never left me; I just gave up on them, but they never gave up on me.
The stories that inspired me all my life are now mine to retell and create something new that will shine through. My mind is not in knots and doesn’t hurt. I just have to write the words. I must trust in myself as much as those fairy tales trust me.
Show Yourself To MeMy name is Mèrida Lyon, and it wasn’t that long ago that I was reborn. I left my cocoon and grew wings like a fairy godmother. I’ll come to readers in need of a fairy tale. I’ll grant them a wish for a new story to read. I’ll do the very best I can to give a voice to the words I’ll write.
My first adventure brings me deep into the Faraway Kingdoms of Once Upon A Time. Stories with castles and women turned into princesses fighting evil.
Logo by Dazed DesignsSo many fairy tales are forgotten, and I’m bringing them back to life with a new voice to shine.
My name is Mèrida Lyon, and I hope you will love what I write and who I have become. Many doors closed, but all I needed was one window to let the light shine through. My mind is ready, and my heart is singing. Let’s do this.
Body Shaming Caused My Cibophobia
When my grandpa passed, my entire world crumbled down and crushed me. I didn’t know at the time, but it triggered a bombing countdown. Cibophobia starved my whole life and I didn’t even know what it was yet.
I developed chronic anxiety, PTSD, my clinical OCD was out of control, and my IBS took a turn for the worst. At the time, I only just became aware of my irritable bowel syndrome.
My doctor explained that the most significant part of our nervous system is placed in our digestive system. So, it was expected that when I would have an anxiety attack, I would evacuate everything inside me. I just didn’t know how bad it would become.
What nobody tells you is that after decades of hating yourself, sadly, your eyes don’t see you as others do. No one tells you that what you see in the mirror is not you anymore.
What Hating Myself Did To MeBecause I moved back into the family house when my grandma passed to take care of my grandfather with my husband, I loved the place. However, remaining at the family house where my grandpa passed was not an option.
DietingAlready I was losing my mind and my mental health at an exceptionally rapid pace. I quickly reached out for help, and my husband talked to his friend, a realtor. I wanted to move to a quieter neighborhood than where we were, surrounded by nature and wildlife. It helped.
I wanted the isolation to help my introverted and antisocial nature. My IBS was already acting up, and since I turned to a clean vegan diet, changes were happening. To keep my mind sane, twice a day, I would go for long walks with my dog, listening to music to help myself escape the terror I lived in.
Sickness, Loss, and TerrorIBS’ biggest trigger is anxiety or stress. It makes anything one eats harder to digest. The pain is intense, like a thousand suns pricking you like needles. Your pelvic is cramping, and the left side of the middle section is subject to inflammation.
Foods like leaves, cucumbers, cabbage, anything that ferments becomes a threat. Those, in general, can stick to the intestinal wall and cause gas which people with IBS don’t process right and turns into a sharp pain that can last for a while.
My IBS at this point was out of control, and my mind was slipping. When we finally moved to our new home, my hubby and I thought it would only get better. However, my weight loss became unstoppable. Happiness was common now. I could maintain a steady loss of two to six pounds per week. I was a machine!
Everybody would ask me what my secret was to those who hurt me and called me names. I answered: sickness, loss, and terror. It was true, I developed cibophobia, which is the fear of foods itself. It was not anorexia or bulimia or related to my appearance but eating.
A Fear Nobody BelievesLiving with many digestive problems often have people think one is seeking attention or use it as an excuse for their current weight. That negativity is toxic. Believe me. Cibophobia is a real phobia. It is not common, but it does exist.
Most people who develop such a phobia often had IBS take a turn for the worst and didn’t know they had irritable bowel syndrome, i.e., me. People who had eating disorders or a terrible experience with food.
Cibophobia in people makes them avoid food and drinks because of its fear and what it might do. The fear can be specific to a type of food, often those with an expiration date, canings, or untrusted origin. A phobia has roots that go deep, it is irrational, and often people with phobias are aware of its irrationality.
So, please, stop repeating that it is irrational. We know.
The Rationality In IrrationalismI was at a point in my life where my cibophobia prevented me from eating at a restaurant. It was out of the question. I would attend family gatherings but not eat. I would watch the people around me enjoy their food, and I wouldn’t.
The fear of falling back into the pain I once experience before I knew I had IBS was prominent. Even at home, I would refuse to eat anything near the expiration date or if it spent more than 3 days in the refrigerator. My appetite grew smaller every day. At that point, I reached the lowest weight of 132 lbs.
Note here that I was born big-boned, which gives me a slightly bigger frame. At 5’5″, my healthy weight is 150 lbs—DO NOT BELIEVE THE GYM GOERS OR WORKERS.
This information comes from my doctor according to my height, my age, and “what I am.” At 132 lbs, some people thought I was sick. My eyes sunk in, black circles under my eyes, someone could play piano on my spine and ribs! I was an x-ray of myself, I guess.
Who I Was OnceWell, the truth is, I was. I was in a cibophobia crisis and incapable of controlling my IBS due to the phobia. It was a catch twenty-two.
I went from 219 lbs to 132 lbs within a year and from XL to XS. One day I realized I had to reach out for help. I did. I looked for psychological help specialized in OCD and phobias. I found someone.
I was in a crisis that people shouted was irrational. That I should take their word and all would be sunshine and rainbows.
Furthermore, some people said, “I’d love to be sick like you! I’d shed all the weight away.” Mental illness is not a game. It is not fun. It is not a magic pill to lose weight. Under my smile, terror was growing under my skin.
Therapists Can Save YouI shopped for therapists. I didn’t choose the first one that showed up. I contacted them by email and talked to them on the phone. One of them was thankful that I was open to sharing my problem in an email. I described my fears and pain. He had to be the therapist for me.
When I met him, he assured me that he took extra certifications to understand obsessive-compulsive disorder. Not many know to what extend OCD can become restrictive. But, long story short, I had to do a twenty-minute-long ritual before leaving the house. Once I would go, anxiety would still settle in, and another phobia would take its place.
My therapist helped me manage my OCD and slowly cut down on time the ritual would take. I would wash my hands twenty times before eating, counting each bite I would assume so it would be an even number, and so on. OCD is not fun.
That therapist helped me understand what I was going through mentally. He confirmed that it wouldn’t go away, but I could learn to share the brain space.
Fuck The WorldPeople criticized me and judged me for bringing my food to gatherings. People thought it was all for my waistline and made fun of me. When I was curvier, they made fun of me for being curvier, and when thin, they made fun of how I would eat.
Toxicity spreads fast when one goes through a life-changing event. Mine was a nightmare, but it was life-changing and eye-opening, nonetheless. There was ample clearance on my Facebook! In those times, one realizes who their friends are and who the wolves are in disguise.
Society had people say they wished to be sick like me. Society had people laugh at me for living in a constant state of fear. I looked like one of those super sickening x-ray models, and people still managed to bring me down.
Ever since that realization, I turned a little more bitter and less friendly in person. I keep to myself and share nothing unless I feel a connection.
One Last AdviceMental illnesses are real and more dangerous than we think and, more often than not, everlasting. Cibophobia is real and can damage your life in a way you never thought possible. Reaching out for help is good and, in some instances, vital.
Having a therapist changed my life. I know the good ones are hard to find, but they are worth the research. Look for their specializations. If you cannot afford one, reach out to groups that went through similar experiences for support.
Brain LogicYour health is essential. Society isn’t. Let them burn. Find your tribe and stay with them. We exist and want you with us. We don’t laugh at people. We don’t judge people. Because we know the pain that resides inside.
If you haven’t heard this today: I believe you.
The OCD Vampire,
Arielle
June 20, 2022
The Mean Side Of The Indie Community
I grew up in the art world. There was nothing I wanted to do in life other than being part of the artistic world. I worked hard to understand human behavior as well as the surroundings.
I developed a very observant eye, and my attention to detail is overly developed. I leave nothing to chance, which might not be because of a variety of art courses I took. It might be because of my OCD and chronic anxiety.
I received praise for my artwork for a long time until two doors slammed shut in my face. One for my writing when I was 18 years old, the words were, “We have a little girl of seven years old who wrote a story with her grandma. She is fantastic and wise beyond her years. Sorry, learn to write.”
The second time was when I was 30 years old. I decided to take courses to go more in-depth with my artistry. Private college and two teachers spat on my art. I go to their end of the year celebration priding themselves in their students’ work, and what do I see on the screen? At least 10 of my pieces.
First Of All, Let’s Get PsychologicalI was already on DeviantArt when the latter happened. Except, what my Storytelling Design teacher said stuck with me. It was my friend James. I believe it was something like six in the morning to have me go in front of my computer and video chat. He’s in Maryland, and I’m in Quebec. This man never gave up on me.
I wore my Bazinga hoodie, hood over my face, my nose was runny, my face flushed from all the crying, and my eyes swollen from the tears. I let my hair down, still messy from the bed. After all, I was in bed when I texted James. He knew something was very wrong.
See, my teacher didn’t just say those words to my face. He also texted me on Messenger to go in deeper like rubbing salt into an open wound. He knew my dream and everything in my life, I do so that one day I can write and maybe draw one piece for DC Comics.
I applied for their workshop and received a personalized email from one of their recruiters. I was the number just after the last they picked and wanted me to know to work harder for the year that followed. But, two of my teachers spat on my work, and it broke me.
The DeviantArt IncidentIt had a long time coming. I wanted to let at least a year go by before writing about it. I don’t want to stir crap to make it worst, but I want people to know that nobody is ever safe, even in the art industry.
James helped me get better. That even include my husband and my favorite artist of all time—that’s right! My favorite artist of all time sent me a text on Messenger, letting me know that I shouldn’t give up. You can guess where he works.
DeviantArt used to be a safe place for artists. But, it was more like a platform for “high-end artists,” not like what we’re used to seeing now, from beginners to professionals. It is good because we can see artists at their very beginning grow before our eyes.
However, just like everything else, DeviantArt became like a school playground for bullies. I wasn’t an exception to those attacks.
The More They See, The More They EnvyBecause of what happened to me with my teachers and my OCD, I couldn’t brush off their words easily. So, I turned to my first passion, Disney and The Lion King. I started drawing the characters and jump to The Lion Guard and what not. Big mistake.
See, the trick on DeviantArt to expose your art to the masses is to join as many groups as possible. I learned that from the extraordinary artist and excellent friend, Nico Quintas. So, I would share those artworks, but I learned something else in the process.
Some fandoms are overly protected and filled with bullies that come together as gangs. I felt like I entered a minefield planned by the freaking Joker! A list of fandoms follows this article, and sadly, The Lion King/Guard is one of them.
I had the bad luck of drawing a screenshot of the final battle between Simba and Scar. They accused me of plagiarism. It’s fan art. It is not legal because I am not licensed, but I am not making money. They weren’t accusing me of plagiarism in the movie but an artist.
Losing A Battle To Win The WarI kept receiving threatening private messages accusing me of plagiarism, and one proved it by basically stealing my work and place it over the “original.” To which I answered, “Of course, it looked like a tracing drawing, I used the grid method, and I have twenty years of training in drawing and illustrations. It was to shake the dust off if you will.” But it never stopped.
I went back and forth between Disney and DC Comics, and time went by until I posted other TLK work. At this point, it got personal. I didn’t follow the gang’s lead bully. However, other artists who knew me and loved my work would warn me. I did some research, and now, enough was enough.
I had to put an end to this obsession with me and my work. I used DeviantArt as my portfolio and my primary source of income as an artist. I worked as a freelance artist and had full-time commissions. If one of my clients saw what they said of me from those bullies, it could have ruined my name.
When Super Awesome Turns Super MeanThis Claire-Cooper, because yes, this user needs to be called off on bullying, turned my life into a nightmare for three months. I took screenshots of the conversations as you see, and I did share it with DeviantArt. I proved her wrong and even mentioned many other users came to me denouncing her actions.
They responded that there was nothing they could do. At the time, I was given by an anonymous donor a free Core membership. I was not going to leave the platform. Plus, I made wonderful friendships, leaving would prove DA and Claire-Cooper right. So, instead, I remained on social media.
However, I wasn’t out of the woods just yet. The bullying kept going long after I decided to stop drawing Disney characters for a while. When I shared that my favorite artist of all time reached out to me to make me feel better, they called me on not only someone who does plagiarism but also a liar.
My reputation was going down the drain at an alarming rate. I was terrified and afraid.
Cut Off The Nose To Spite The FaceIt was her or me. We faced each other on her page. She kept talking smack behind my back. Now it was time to say it to my “face.” Her words hurt me not because they were true but because she dared to drag in the people I loved the most.
Call me whatever you want, it’s okay, I’m un-insult-able, but if it messes with my dream or the people I love, you’re in for a world of hurt. She knew nothing of me at all. She still doesn’t nor cared to know. This user is clearly in need of help and doesn’t know the meaning of what it is to be an artist.
Claire-Cooper doesn’t do art and only buys it. Nonetheless, this heated conversation on my part and useless attack on hers proved me right. She is not a civilized person rather full of hate if you ask me.
That is why I asked her to block me since she hated me so much. I didn’t understand why she would even waste time on me. Some of my friends at the time went to my rescue without me asking anyone, but they tried having her calm down. It was in vain, but I opened a dummy account to keep track, and she did get a report from other people on my doings, whom I was able to block.
You Made Your Bed Now Lie In ItIt turned out my reputation was not as tarnished as I thought it was, but I had to be careful a long while. It had me absent from the website and spending less time on the platform. I saw a corner of DeviantArt I never thought existed and didn’t want to see again. However, I am happy I know about it.
Bullies are everywhere, and they crawl in the most excellent places. I posted a few journals on there letting people know that you have no idea what another person is going through, so don’t attack anyone. If you don’t like what you see, walk away.
Humans are mean and even meaner behind a screen. Bullies gather together and jump on someone at once. They did it with me. I had each of Claire-Cooper’s minions after me trying to teach me about copyrights and plagiarism. Of course, none of them knew what they were talking about because I went to school for it while they didn’t.
But trying to reason with bullies like them is a lost cause. It is like teaching calculus to a rock, it won’t interrupt you, but it didn’t hear anything either.
Watch Out World I’m A DISNEY’ Girl!I guess what I wanted to share with this article was that it doesn’t matter who you are, your age, or where you are. Bullies are everywhere. I’m not saying that DeviantArt isn’t safe, but it isn’t safer than any other platform.
You can’t hide from bullies, so you might as well face them or ignore them. I couldn’t go due to my dream and my career. It was scary despite being thirty at the time. After hearing, I wouldn’t make it and how bad an artist I was, I was afraid.
The fact is, once they don’t have fun, they go to someone else. Don’t give in to anyone’s hand. This user goes from one victim to the next. So, chances are Claire-Cooper is still out there harassing innocent people.
It’s not okay, but all I can do is share my story and hope it can help those who need it.
June 9, 2022
Confession Of A Shamed Mind Born Broken
At a young age, I couldn’t stand how people close to me, except for my grandpa, would remove a stain from my face or simply wash my hands. I did not like the contact. As I grew older, I thought it was merely a case of germaphobia.
But, I understood that it wasn’t just the passing of germs and bacteria but the unnecessary touch. I couldn’t process why someone would do that as I would prefer learning and mimicking, so I could do it myself.
Very young, I had to be surrounded by people my age in various classes. Meanwhile, at home, as an only child, I was at the center of adult gatherings. So I learned how young and old interact. Narcissistic tendencies aside, if it wasn’t about me, I couldn’t care less.
The Misconceptions Of MisanthropyWhen someone says they are misanthrope, I doubt every single person understands the profound meaning of what they are stating.
Misanthropy is not just saying, “I hate people,” like it’s written on a mug because you can’t get along with ‘Sharon’ in the office. Misanthropy is not a trend and doesn’t apply to just one person or a group of people. It applies to the entire species as a whole.
The term itself focuses on the hatred of humankind. It evokes the distrust and contempt of human nature. Its primary meaning goes back to Greek, signifying the hatred in humans. Some people see misanthropy as a mental disorder. I don’t. I see it as a logical response to human behavior.
Maybe It’s Because I’m SADIt doesn’t take a genius to know that I have a social anxiety disorder or SAD by my daily routine. It also has the title of social phobia. Like any other anxiety disorder, it has its side effects with excess blushing, sweating, trembling, palpitations and nausea. It’s not a fun, pleasant experience.
This particular disorder has a trigger with any social situation, which causes profound distress. It impairs my ability to function in the most specific daily life aspect.
I fear that people around me, close or far, are constantly scrutinizing my every move negatively. I do not care at my core, but at the moment, anxiety makes my thought process irrational, and, therefore, I have no control over the result.
I made life choices according to my SAD and misanthropy. I neither wish to be surrounded by people nor intend to spend more time than the ‘social convention’ required of me with humans. I do not want to be a focal point or center of attention. I have a little narcissism in me, but I don’t require to show off at every turn. Most situations aren’t worth my time.
It’s What People Do To MeIf I must be at a social gathering, the dread of how I must present myself for approval is exhausting and terrifying. Let me explain. I do not seek approval from ninety-nine percent of the people I know. It’s just so I can be left alone at those social events.
People are merely objects to toy with, and most people do not perceive that when meeting me. Ever since I was a child, I surrounded myself with specific types of ‘friends,’ but let me be clear: those were my toys. I wanted to experiment. I wanted to see how far I could manipulate them into believing anything I would say.
Poison AppleThis behavior slowly went away as I bored myself in experimenting with this aspect. I have a gift for manipulation, but my despise, and fear of humankind prevents me from wanting to exercise it. Thus, in a social gathering, I am merely trying to display coldness and minimize my interactions so people would find me either boring or above them.
However, I never reach my expectations of perfection. I always feel that people find me a weirdo or a freak. Most parents saw me that way, and I understand it. Their children were lab rats. It was a way for me to separate the weak from the strong. The general public would mark this as a sign of psychopathy. I take it as a compliment.
I wanted to reject humans before they rejected me.
The Cognitive DistortionsMy obsessive-compulsive disorder has me replay any social gathering for an overly long amount of time. My mind does not forget social groups. As a result, my perception of myself is never what I intended, and it’s unsatisfactory. To punish me, I perform physical pain. I cannot live with the knowledge that I was not good enough.
OCD and SAD combined together are like a tornado meets a volcano. I hate myself just as much as I feel disgusted for humankind. I cannot deal with embarrassment or shame. I do not understand human behavior. So, it’s as if I cannot mimic the interaction to fool others into thinking I’m one of them. But I don’t want to trick them enough, so they want to remain around me.
Poison AppleEach social gathering memory replays in my brain for weeks on end. Negativity is what remains clearer in my head. How I present myself, my posture, my vocabulary, my tone of voice, and my look are incredibly important to blend in and remain in the shadows.
Shyness Is My CamouflageI used to hide my hatred for humankind. I wouldn’t talk much in social gatherings. Everyone assumed I was shy because that’s the general consensus. Everyone wants a social life, and so, if not open to people right off the gate, you’re shy. So it was the perfect camouflage for me.
The fact is, I had no interest in the people surrounding me, and they weren’t worth my time or saliva. So I remained closed and hoped to go under the radar. I would try to control the knot in my stomach, the bile piling up in my windpipe, and the palpitation triggering my cardiophobia.
No one understands SAD, OCD and misanthropy unless they live it. The constant dread and pain one feels when in social events might as well have me burn alive. When children pile on to the social gathering, it worsens the effects. People like me do not do well around children. They are pocket-sized humans with high-pitched voices and are sticky. It just puts all the anxiety on steroids.
Coming out and saying, “I have a profound hatred for humankind and children makes it worse” isn’t socially acceptable, so let’s go with, “I’m shy.”
I Would Kill To Save One PuppyOCD, SAD, CBD, PTSD, and possible SPD are a part of who I am. I cannot turn them off, nor do I wish to, because I do not trust humans with my brain. I am more of a scientific mind than I am a spiritual one. I do not believe in a higher purpose or that each of us has a reason to be here. We are the result of our parents fooling around. Period.
For that reason, I guess I do have a lack of empathy toward most humans. I can watch a movie with humans torturing one another, and to me, it’s normality. Humans conquer. That’s what humankind does. Is it fair to the person tortured? No. Do I care? No.
Apathy Is What I FeelI saw actual footage of warfare, children, and old people in a catatonic state, and it would shake most people. So I watch and do feel awful this is happening as I’m standing in front of the monitor screen, but that’s human behavior, and that’s why I hate humankind.
However, if I watch one animal get hurt—it could be in a movie, and the animal is CGI—I do lose all control of myself and shout at the top of my lungs. I would kill on the spot anyone hurting an animal, from a rat to a dinosaur. I do not care for your reason or the importance you give yourself as a good person.
Some people find me heartless because I lack empathy for humans, but I’d kill for animals. That’s because animals are animals. They do what their brain allows them to do. So what’s a human’s excuse after millennia of evolution? Fight me.
When Schizoid Meets BereavementSo, Schizoid Personality Disorder can scare at first glance because of the word ‘schizoid’ right in the title. The thing is, schizophrenia is a trunk, and it has hundreds of branches, turning it into a big tall tree.
Long story short, my misanthropy and SAD have me lost in my little world. See, I daydream a lot, and I believe that’s the part of me that allows me to be an artist. Artists are complex little things with lots of mental problems bundled up together into a giant fireball. My reality is better than what is, and unless I must be present, I won’t.
I have no interest in social interactions, which makes me an absent friend to those I have, as little as it is. I’m not the daily type of person, nor do I care for small talk. I have no interest in people. I repeat myself. I have demons, and I want to let them loose. They keep me company, and so does my dog.
Complex Bereavement DisorderThat’s one I wished not to talk about but remains inevitable. It was a turning point in my life and had me fall into an abyss I’m okay to live in from now on.
When my grandfather passed, and I spent twenty minutes giving him CPR in December seven years ago, a part of me died. He was the only one I wished to impress, hold, love, protect, and be with forever. My grandfather kept me human. He was my sanity. Since I was a child, I said I would die if he died. Here I am.
I became impaired that day. It is hard for me to articulate or write that I suffered from a significant depressive disorder. To this day, even noting that he passed, I deny it. A part of me refuses to ‘compute’ the idea. I have prolonged grief syndrome, and it caused me to have post-traumatic stress disorder.
I longed for my grandfather. I feel alone, and I do, sometimes, wish I would die just to be with him again. That is despite not believing in any form of afterlife. My thoughts are irrational when it comes to him. His leaving interfered with my daily routine, and it left me numb.
I refuse to let people in too deep, even the ones I have come to allow near me, because of the pain they may cause.
To have a diagnosis for complex bereavement disorder mental disorder, the grief must last one extra month following the six months of ‘normal’ grief. So it’s been seven years.
The Tiny Psychopathic Voice In MeI choose my battles online on social media. I choose them carefully so my reasoning and deduction thinking can shine. Does that make me a narcissist? Maybe. I check the box of empathy toward humankind a hundred times over.
Other psychopathy boxes are subjects I check as far as boxes goes. I avoid eye contact. I despise those because it’s a social interaction created by society. No one has my permission to look in my eyes unless I want them to. It makes me uncomfortable, and a knot tightens in my stomach, and anger boils my blood. I hate it. An animal may look me in the eyes, but no human is allowed.
Some believe I suffer from asociality, which’s a mental disorder that has an association with introverts. It can be a clinical condition, but in my case, asociality isn’t my disorder. I am a misanthrope and know this to be true for me.
That’s me. If you can’t stand the thought of who I am, then I believe this is goodbye, isn’t it? But before you leave, read my statement below. It can put a vivid image of who I am in context. Also, to those who I talk to, just know that I chose you carefully before allowing you to be important to me. You are not a test or a toy. I chose you to be a friend, as little as I can understand the meaning of what it is.
My PuppiesI’m John Wick, and every single animal on this planet is my puppy. Ninety-nine percent of humans on Earth hurt one of my puppies. That’s my view of humankind. Do you understand my reasoning now?
PS: I never watched John Wick, nor do I wish to because I know what happens to the puppy. That’s enough to have me become The Joker.
June 7, 2022
Confession Of A Misanthrope Artist
Confession of a misanthrope artist, are you ready for it? Let’s dive in! At a young age, I couldn’t stand how people close to me, except for my grandpa, would remove a stain from my face or simply wash my hands. I did not like the contact. As I grew older, I thought it was merely a case of germaphobia.
But, I understood that it wasn’t just the passing of germs and bacteria but the unnecessary touch. I couldn’t process why someone would do that as I would prefer learning and mimicking, so I could do it myself.
[image error]Very young, I had to be surrounded by people my age in various classes. Meanwhile, at home, as an only child, I was at the center of adult gatherings. So I learned how young and old interact. Narcissistic tendencies aside, if it wasn’t about me, I couldn’t care less.
The Misconceptions Of MisanthropyWhen someone says they are misanthrope, I doubt every single person understands the profound meaning of what they are stating.
Star Trek The Next Generation Q by Arielle LyonMisanthropy is not just saying, “I hate people,” like it’s written on a mug because you can’t get along with ‘Sharon’ in the office. Misanthropy is not a trend and doesn’t apply to just one person or a group of people. It applies to the entire species as a whole.
“Please, spare me your egotistical musings on your pivotal role in history. Nothing you do here will cause the Federation to collapse or galaxies to explode. To be blunt, you’re not that important.”
Q, Star Trek The Next Generation
The term itself focuses on the hatred of humankind. It evokes the distrust and contempt of human nature. Its primary meaning goes back to Greek, signifying the hatred in humans. Some people see misanthropy as a mental disorder. I don’t. I see it as a logical response to human behavior.
Maybe It’s Because I’m SADIt doesn’t take a genius to know that I have a social anxiety disorder or SAD by my daily routine. It also has the title of social phobia. Like any other anxiety disorder, it has its side effects with excess blushing, sweating, trembling, palpitations and nausea. It’s not a fun, pleasant experience.
This particular disorder has a trigger with any social situation, which causes profound distress. It impairs my ability to function in the most specific daily life aspect. I fear that people around me, close or far, are constantly scrutinizing my every move negatively.
AnxietyI do not care at my core, but at the moment, anxiety makes my thought process irrational, and, therefore, I have no control over the result.
I made life choices according to my SAD and misanthropy. I neither wish to be surrounded by people nor intend to spend more time than the ‘social convention’ required of me with humans. I do not want to be a focal point or center of attention. I have a little narcissism in me, but I don’t require to show off at every turn. Most situations aren’t worth my time.
It’s What People Do To MeIf I must be at a social gathering, the dread of how I must present myself for approval is exhausting and terrifying. Let me explain. I do not seek approval from ninety-nine percent of the people I know. It’s just so I can be left alone at those social events.
People are merely objects to toy with, and most people do not perceive that when meeting me. Ever since I was a child, I surrounded myself with specific types of ‘friends,’ but let me be clear: those were my toys. I wanted to experiment. I wanted to see how far I could manipulate them into believing anything I would say.
[image error]This behavior slowly went away as I bored myself in experimenting with this aspect. I have a gift for manipulation, but my despise, and fear of humankind prevents me from wanting to exercise it. Thus, in a social gathering, I am merely trying to display coldness and minimize my interactions so people would find me either boring or above them.
However, I never reach my expectations of perfection. I always feel that people find me a weirdo or a freak. Most parents saw me that way, and I understand it. Their children were lab rats. It was a way for me to separate the weak from the strong. The general public would mark this as a sign of psychopathy. I take it as a compliment.
I wanted to reject humans before they rejected me.
The Cognitive DistortionsMy obsessive-compulsive disorder has me replay any social gathering for an overly long amount of time. My mind does not forget social groups. As a result, my perception of myself is never what I intended, and it’s unsatisfactory. To punish me, I perform physical pain. I cannot live with the knowledge that I was not good enough.
OCD and SAD combined together are like a tornado meets a volcano. I hate myself just as much as I feel disgusted for humankind. I cannot deal with embarrassment or shame.
I do not understand human behavior. So, it’s as if I cannot mimic the interaction to fool others into thinking I’m one of them. But I don’t want to trick them enough, so they want to remain around me.
Each social gathering memory replays in my brain for weeks on end. Negativity is what remains clearer in my head. How I present myself, my posture, my vocabulary, my tone of voice, and my look are incredibly important to blend in and remain in the shadows.
Shyness Is My CamouflageI used to hide my hatred for humankind. I wouldn’t talk much in social gatherings. Everyone assumed I was shy because that’s the general consensus. Everyone wants a social life, and so, if not open to people right off the gate, you’re shy. So it was the perfect camouflage for me.
The fact is, I had no interest in the people surrounding me, and they weren’t worth my time or saliva. So I remained closed and hoped to go under the radar. I would try to control the knot in my stomach, the bile piling up in my windpipe, and the palpitation triggering my cardiophobia.
[image error]alNo one understands SAD, OCD and misanthropy unless they live it. The constant dread and pain one feels when in social events might as well have me burn alive. When children pile on to the social gathering, it worsens the effects. People like me do not do well around children. They are pocket-sized humans with high-pitched voices and are sticky. It just puts all the anxiety on steroids.
Coming out and saying, “I have a profound hatred for humankind and children makes it worse” isn’t socially acceptable, so let’s go with, “I’m shy.”
I Would Kill To Save One PuppyOCD, SAD, CBD, PTSD, and possible SPD are a part of who I am. I cannot turn them off, nor do I wish to, because I do not trust humans with my brain. I am more of a scientific mind than I am a spiritual one. I do not believe in a higher purpose or that each of us has a reason to be here. We are the result of our parents fooling around. Period.
“Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody’s gonna die. Come watch TV”
Morty, Rick & Morty
For that reason, I guess I do have a lack of empathy toward most humans. I can watch a movie with humans torturing one another, and to me, it’s normality. Humans conquer. That’s what humankind does. Is it fair to the person tortured? No. Do I care? No.
Apathy Is What I FeelI saw actual footage of warfare, children, and old people in a catatonic state, and it would shake most people. So I watch and do feel awful this is happening as I’m standing in front of the monitor screen, but that’s human behavior, and that’s why I hate humankind.
[image error]Psychopathy – Mental DisorderHowever, if I watch one animal get hurt—it could be in a movie, and the animal is CGI—I do lose all control of myself and shout at the top of my lungs. I would kill on the spot anyone hurting an animal, from a rat to a dinosaur. I do not care for your reason or the importance you give yourself as a good person.
Some people find me heartless because I lack empathy for humans, but I’d kill for animals. That’s because animals are animals. They do what their brain allows them to do. So what’s a human’s excuse after millennia of evolution? Fight me.
When Schizoid Meets BereavementSo, Schizoid Personality Disorder can scare at first glance because of the word ‘schizoid’ right in the title. The thing is, schizophrenia is a trunk, and it has hundreds of branches, turning it into a big tall tree.
Long story short, my misanthropy and SAD have me lost in my little world. See, I daydream a lot, and I believe that’s the part of me that allows me to be an artist.
Artists are complex little things with lots of mental problems bundled up together into a giant fireball. My reality is better than what is, and unless I must be present, I won’t.
I have no interest in social interactions, which makes me an absent friend to those I have, as little as it is. I’m not the daily type of person, nor do I care for small talk. I have no interest in people. I repeat myself. I have demons, and I want to let them loose. They keep me company, and so does my dog.
You Got BereavementThat’s one I wished not to talk about but remains inevitable. It was a turning point in my life and had me fall into an abyss I’m okay to live in from now on.
When my grandfather passed, and I spent twenty minutes giving him CPR in December seven years ago, a part of me died. He was the only one I wished to impress, hold, love, protect, and be with forever. My grandfather kept me human. He was my sanity. Since I was a child, I said I would die if he died. Here I am.
I became impaired that day. It is hard for me to articulate or write that I suffered from a significant depressive disorder. To this day, even noting that he passed, I deny it. A part of me refuses to ‘compute’ the idea. I have prolonged grief syndrome, and it caused me to have post-traumatic stress disorder.
[image error]I longed for my grandfather. I feel alone, and I do, sometimes, wish I would die just to be with him again. That is despite not believing in any form of afterlife. My thoughts are irrational when it comes to him. His leaving interfered with my daily routine, and it left me numb.
I refuse to let people in too deep, even the ones I have come to allow near me, because of the pain they may cause.
To have a diagnosis for this mental disorder, the grief must last one extra month following the six months of ‘normal’ grief. So it’s been seven years.
Trust The Psychopathic Voice WithinI choose my battles online on social media. I choose them carefully so my reasoning and deduction thinking can shine. Does that make me a narcissist? Maybe. I check the box of empathy toward humankind a hundred times over.
I avoid eye contact. I despise those because it’s a social interaction created by society. No one has my permission to look in my eyes unless I want them to. It makes me uncomfortable, and a knot tightens in my stomach, and anger boils my blood. I hate it. An animal may look me in the eyes, but no human is allowed.
[image error]Some believe I suffer from asociality, which’s a mental disorder that has an association with introverts. It can be a clinical condition, but in my case, asociality isn’t my disorder. I am a misanthrope and know this to be true for me.
That’s me. If you can’t stand the thought of who I am, then I believe this is goodbye, isn’t it? But before you leave, read my statement below. It can put a vivid image of who I am in context. Also, to those who I talk to, just know that I chose you carefully before allowing you to be important to me. You are not a test or a toy. I chose you to be a friend, as little as I can understand the meaning of what it is.
My PuppiesI’m John Wick, and every single animal on this planet is my puppy. Ninety-nine percent of humans on Earth hurt one of my puppies. That’s my view of humankind. Do you understand my reasoning now?
AnxietyPS: I never watched John Wick, nor do I wish to because I know what happens to the puppy. That’s enough to have me become The Joker.
May 2, 2022
Vampire Or The Walking Dead
Tonight, when going to bed, my husband and I turned on the television and YouTube. We watched our regular channels, including Ask A Mortician, hosted by Caitlin Doughty. She talked about a real and fascinating brain disorder, Cotard’s Syndrome. So, are you human, vampire or the walking dead?
Caitlin Doughty has a unique way of explaining a complicated subject and turning it into a simplistic way of understanding. I love how she expresses herself and uses her humor to take something morbid and make it relatable. For that reason, I had to know more.
ASK A MORTICIAN hosted by CAITLIN DOUGHTY – MORTICIANOfficial Description of Cotard’s SyndromeCotard’s Syndrome is a form of anxious melancholia mixed with an extreme delusion of not existing. It revolves around the belief in one’s delusion of immortality. This condition is a rare neuropsychiatric condition.
Common names for the condition encompass “walking corpse syndrome” or “Cotard’s Delusion.”
Patients with this particular syndrome attest that their bodies, limbs, or organs, are missing, rotting, or dead. They think they do not exist at all. It goes to the extent of believing oneself to be dead.
This condition is so rare that WebMD reported only two-hundred cases worldwide. However, how many people aren’t treated and might be living with the thought they are dead?
How Does Living Dead Work?Cotard’s Syndrome often follows either a traumatic event or becomes a result of a multitude of factors. Usually, this medical syndrome, which affects the brain, combines other mental disorders.
Experts believe Cortard’s Syndrome to be the result of brain damage. However, there is a debate as not everyone believes this theory is true. Generally, associations with dementia, paranoia, schizophrenia, migraines and brain injury are common.
In Ask A Mortician‘s episode about Cotard’s Syndrome, Caitlin mentions how people who lived with the syndrome came out of it. It’s almost like believing oneself to be dead is only temporary. In some situations, it comes and goes, and in others, it leaves not to return.
Who Becomes A Living Dead?Despite the syndrome still at the infant stage of understanding in psychiatry, some common factors seem to surface. Mental disorders are often the cause and trauma, as mentioned above.
Depression, anxiety, paranoia, and OCD are mental disorders that can provoke Cotard’s Syndrome. Meanwhile, a trauma causing someone to come very close to death or fainting can also develop the syndrome.
There are also situations where someone strongly believes they died for seconds or minutes and came back wrong. Those people live with the syndrome and think they’re rotting, already dead, yet can still show signs of rationalism.
Remember that Cotard’s Syndrome is a syndrome, not a disease and isn’t contagious. A syndrome is hard to spot because it is usually attached to something else. In this case, Cotard’s Syndrome results from another mental disorder/s or provocation through trauma or brain damage.
Sometimes, Cotard’s Syndrome can be misdiagnosed because it’s a syndrome, not an illness. What does that mean? It means we must raise awareness and show compassion, i.e., not make fun of those who believe they are dead.
How Do We Spot The Walking Dead?Patients living with Cotard’s Syndrome, according to WebMD, are antisocial. In some cases, people stop talking altogether while other head voices warn them of their death.
Most people with the syndrome don’t believe in eating anymore because when dead, food is irrelevant. This can grow into a substantial problem as they can starve to the “true” death or stop believing in hydration and other vital resources we need.
Some documented files report patients mentioning wanting a coffin. Some would request to be in the morgue or treated as a corpse. In their minds, they are dead or close to it.
Do you know how popular the term “Imposter Syndrome” became? It turns out it is, in fact, a mental disorder. Capgras Syndrome is the accurate term for Imposter Syndrome. However, in this form, a patient believes his family and friends to have been replaced by identical fakes. They can even complement one another. Also, Capgras Syndrome can either be misdiagnosed as Cotard’s Syndrome or vice versa.
Can A Fake Corpse Receive Treatment?Cotard’s Syndrome might be an infant in the understanding of psychiatry, but yes, there are treatments available. Because it is a syndrome and not an illness, it’s only by treating the illness that the syndrome can eventually dissipate.
Usually, treatments for this syndrome result in a combination of medication and therapy. Preferably, psychotherapy to understand the patient’s view of themselves and their surroundings. It helps doctors understand better what their patients need and require from them and their medication.
The usual cocktail contains antipsychotics, antianxiety drugs, and antidepressants. Most patients need a cocktail, meaning more than one type of medication, as it wouldn’t do the trick alone. Remember, this syndrome is a combination of factors or disorders.
Is Frankenstein In The Making?No, Frankenstein‘s Monster was a combination of dead body parts and organs and muscles, nervous system and whatnot, no mental disorders! Well…that came after the “It’s alive!” part of the story.
The treatment called electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) sounds terrifying, at least to me! It sounds like electroshock therapy they used to do in hospices and mental asylums. It is similar in that it sends small electric currents through the brain. It changes the brain’s chemistry and can clear some mental health symptoms.
Then again, I wouldn’t be eager to try it. I might need to do deeper research as it sounds a little barbaric to me.
Another fun fact about someone who went through Cotard’s Syndrome and had a PET scan of his brain revealed quite strange. His brain activity turned out to be similar to someone sleeping or under anesthesia. Facial recognition was at its lowest, and other factors were also low. Intriguing, isn’t it?
So, What Do We Do Next, Undead?What can we do? Aside from raising awareness of a syndrome I didn’t know existed an hour ago? I would say, reflect on your life and see if there is one time when you thought you met the Grim Reaper or saw the light at the end of the tunnel. We all had that moment where we thought, “that was it,” and it passed. Consider yourself lucky it did go away!
Cotard’s Syndrome, in a nutshell, has some of the affected people believe without a doubt they are dead. They think they do not exist or are putrefying and have lost their blood or internal organs. Does that make them crazy? Absolutely not.
Society wants us to believe so, but they aren’t. They are confused. Confusion and crazy have pretty different definitions in the Oxford English Dictionary and aren’t on the same page. Those people have a relationship with death that most of us will never know or experience.
Doubting your own existence is a fearful thought in itself. People going through or living with Cotard’s Syndrome are going through an existential crisis on the highest level possible.
Imagine the reported patients who sat in front of a psychiatrist spitting their guts out—pun intended—saying those are missing or rotting, followed by, “What do you think, Doctor?” Scary, isn’t it?
The Awareness Of Being Undead Or AliveI lived with Cotard’s Syndrome for a month without knowing it. I felt I had to be insane to believe such a thing when it happened. Here is a little chapter of my life I kept to myself because I thought I was alone in the world.
When watching Ask A Mortician, I fought to keep my tears within. I checked many boxes as she unrivaled the definition of this mental syndrome. Suddenly I realized I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t crazy, I was just…traumatized.
Also, this little story I’m about to tell is proof that we must raise awareness about Cotard’s Syndrome. I would’ve talked about it with the therapist I saw a few months later if I knew about it. Or maybe I wouldn’t have waited to see someone.
So, here goes nothing…
Can My Heart Stop Beating But Remain Alive?It happened in the early Spring after my grandfather, the most beloved person in my life, passed away. A few days before Christmas in Canada, I was without a coat or boots. I wore simple PJs beside the corpse of the man who raised me. I performed chest compressions for twenty minutes before the paramedics showed up, and I was told I performed CPR on a corpse.
My life took a drastic turn after that day. I was in a crisis. My OCD took my life into charge, and chronic anxiety disorder spun out of control. I would eat, sleep, or think straight. I developed death anxiety, cibophobia, cardiophobia, and paranoia, among other fears. Night terrors took over my few hours of sleep, and I could do nothing right.
One day, I remember writing a novel of mine when a sensation took over my body by surprise. Shivers crawled up my spine and spread through my brain and chest. I stood up and grabbed my cell phone. I called my husband—my back then-boyfriend—and asked him a question that forever changed my life.
“Can my heart stop beating without my brain acknowledging it and remain unalive? I think I’m dead,” I said with a voice so cold one could have caught a cold.
Conversation between Kimberly Coralie Lyon and Mr. X
“No, baby. You are alive. Your heart is in great shape,” he said, unaware of what I went through.
I never mentioned that sentence again or what happened. I lived with the belief that I was walking between life and death for a while. I lived knowing I would die for good soon because I was in-between.
My Cotard’s Syndrome Leaving MeI don’t think I could ever get over the fact that I believed I was dead and alive at the same time, so undead. But yes, I did stop eating for the most part and took very long walks to reflect on myself and my life. I secluded myself and wanted to remain alone. Now able to put a name on what I went through brings some closure.
In a year, I lost roughly eighty-two pounds. Cotard’s Syndrome caused me many phobias to remain behind because I didn’t know it was a syndrome! I didn’t want the title of “lunatic,” so I never mentioned it before.
To be honest, I don’t think it left me a hundred percent. I feel like it’s right next door, as a neighbor to my anxiety and OCD, but not coming out to say hi.
I’m a rational person who believes in science and some strange theories. I love the brain and psychology. I know the difference between real and fiction, and I know that everything we choose is based on our perception of right and wrong. I am aware.
But, if you ask me, “Kimberly, are you alive?” my answer might be, “I am not-not alive.”
A Fundraiser On The RiseI will look into starting a fundraiser to raise awareness for Cotard’s Syndrome. It is crucial that people who suffer like I did know they aren’t alone.
If you wish to keep yourself informed in my pursuit to create awareness, please subscribe to my newsletter, and I will keep you informed. If you want to participate in raising awareness, I will soon make available a digital logo/sticker that anyone can put on their digital or print work, or devices, so we can spread the word.
Remember, mental disorders aren’t contagious. They are unique and need understanding and awareness.
April 29, 2022
Cougar Talk With Kimberly Coralie Lyon
Cougar Talk with Kimberly Coralie Lyon, aka me under my new amazing name that I love so much! But just in case you forgot, I’m on Cougar Talk Podcast YouTube Channel today, Friday, April 29th, 2022, at 9:00 PM, Eastern Time. Please, please, please, come and see me!
A few years ago, back when I was using Alexa Wayne, A.D. Wayne or Arielle Belle Lyon, a while ago! I was invited to a few podcasts, such as Zombiepalooza Radio Live and Deadman’s Tome — Horror Talk Radio, Author Talk, etc.
This was the last time I was on air! Jackie Chin was kind enough to be the very first person in the horror entertainment field to give me a chance and help me. I’ll forever be grateful.
I was invited as an author, vampirologist, demonologist, or cryptozoologist. But the very first time was because of my art and my creation, Gothic Bite Magazine.
I am the creator and Artistic Director of Gothic Bite Magazine for those who don’t know. GBM is a place for everyone looking for a home to feel welcome. We are a platform for the indie community in all the fields of art without rejection, as we are for a mature audience. We are a daily webzine and annual print. We are you, monsters writing for monsters.
DEADMANS TOMEBut it’s been a while since I did an interview live. Although I am looking forward to it, I wonder if I’ll approach it with the same excitement I used to have.
A Cougar Talk With A Vampire BatPeople who know me know that I’m the OCD Vampire.
“I am the wind blowing through your hair. I am the twisted thought growing in your head. I am the OCD Vampire, and horror is my fairy tale!”
Kimberly Coralie Lyon
The art I made that attracted much attention was of me as Mavis Dracula from Hotel Transylvania. It caught on so that I became one of the licensed artists for the cartoon series.
[image error]Kimber Mavis Dracula by Kimberly Coralie LyonI’m a cutie vampire! I would draw myself in various stressful or anxious contexts. I was then asked if I sold my creations on RedBubble, which had me add TeePublic, and so on.
Oh, and I’m the one who started calling bats my Sky Puppies! Since I have a family living close to my house. I live in the sticks! Haha!
[image error]Kimber by Kimberly Coralie LyonNow, I wonder how Cougars will approach the little Vampire Bat that I am! My cover artist, Dazed Designs, lives in Australia. I think she can send her bats for help if chased for a late snack! I guess it’s okay.
Gothic And Romance TalkI’m a primary gothic artist at heart. My stories and illustrations show my love for the darker side of emotions. I draw myself in the most panic-able scenarios for goblin’s sake, haha!
I love depicting pain, suffering, torment, and sacrifice. You don’t know what a person can do until you see them bleeding on the floor, crying and rebuilding themselves.
[image error]Vampire Scream by Kimberly Coralie LyonGothic is all about how we rise from our ashes. Look at the gothic architecture, the cathedrals built to reach the sky! It’s not about darkness and sadness. It’s about what goes on while we go through it.
Yes, we might be a little macabre, I know I am, but it’s the beauty of the circle of life. I hope to tackle some of those subjects with those Cougars!
A Horror Fan Surrounded By CougarsI do consider myself a horror movie expert enthusiast, not bulletproof. Emphasize the “enthusiast” part! I’ve been watching horror movies since I was about 11 years old. I watch all the horror subgenres, from slasher flicks to found footage to torture porn and French extremist.
Night Of The Demons 1988Horror is a genre that I appreciate because of two reasons, it is vast and can be comedic just as much as it can be philosophic. My other reason is the fandom of horror.
I do not take this beautiful community for granted because I know it is rare to find this warmth in fandoms and communities nowadays. People are welcoming and helpful, and kind.
Talking horror would be fun because I believe my novels are a mash-up of horror, gothic, and romance. A little strange, isn’t it?
A New Face After Some Time Away TalkI am who I am, and I don’t think a pink sweater and lipstick, nice hair with a pink ribbon and a smile is honest. I’m not Barbie, I’m the OCD Vampire, and I’m here to find the spark in your eye. I want to make people feel alive because I’m undead!
At first, I thought about doll-up, but that isn’t who I am. I wanted to write clean and romantic, but why? To appeal to more people when the horror community is so vast? I just need to be back in the game! I need to spread my bat wings (technically not wings, those are the bats’ hands) and bite life in the neck!
I need to be me and draw more of myself panicking and revamp the vampire in me; see what I did there? And well, the Cougar Talk Podcast live will help me do that!
Come Listen To The Live Podcast!So, do not forget to tune in today, Friday, April 29th, 2022, at 9:00 Eastern Time on the Cougar Talk YouTube Channel to listen to an hour of, yours truly, talking with fantastic Cougars!
[image error]They will ask if I’m a Cougar or a Panther. We both know I’m a bat! * wink, wink. *
April 28, 2022
Superhost Is A Shudder Original
Superhost is a Shudder super original movie! Now, let’s take a look at the controlling idea from Shudder!
and are travel vloggers who run a channel called SUPERHOST where they travel and share their experiences in and around vacation homes, and until recently, had become successful doing it.
With a dwindling subscriber count, they find the perfect opportunity to create content that people want to see when they meet Rebecca, the host of their most recent trip. Slowly they start to realize that something isn’t right with , and as they investigate it further, they unlock a horrifying truth. She doesn’t just want a great review; she wants something far worse.
The IMDb SummaryTeddy and Claire, two travel vloggers and a couple on the verge of getting married, are reviewing a vacation rental villa “owned” by Rebecca. As “Superhost,” Rebecca seems offbeat and acts uninhabited. They focus more on her to stop their follower count from declining further.
One day, , another host who went out of business following a negative review by the couple, arrived at the house to confront Teddy and Claire. Rebecca managed to scare off Vera with disturbing threats of violence. Does Rebecca have a secret agenda? — IMDb
My Overall ReviewSuperhost is a movie available on the horror streaming service, Shudder. Shudder rarely disappoint when it comes to their content and Shudder Original! What I like most about them is how they are open about all genres of horror. They prove that less is often more.
The movie revolves around a couple who dated each other for a while. The couple worked together on their YouTube channel for just as long. Their job consists of choosing a place to stay, an Airbnb or so, and reviewing it live while at the site they decided to stay.
Shudder Original – Superhost – 2021We understand early in the movie that Superhost is losing subscribers and worries the main protagonist, Claire. Meanwhile, her boyfriend, Teddy, is secretly planning his engagement to Claire live or, at least, online for their viewers. She often talks about when they had it all, suggesting they’ve been working online for a time.
The wifi and reception are less than desirable when at the log house. The house itself is a dream, but the difficulty of uploading their edited videos and capability to go online interfere with Claire and Teddy’s work. They find out that there are many security cameras in the house. The host herself is also unpredictable and very much afraid to get a bad review.
To make matters worse, a past Superhost stops by and threatens Claire until Rebecca, the host of the log house, shows up and everything from that point on goes downhill. After all, how Rebecca treated her past host wasn’t too kind, so is it back to haunt her or is it karma in the shape of Rebecca?
Superhost and Shudder’s First ImpressionI absolutely loved the movie the first time I watched it and watched it again from time to time. The movie has a very nice pace and juggles well between professional vlogger footage and regular cinema camera work.
Shudder Original – Superhost – 2021Claire and Teddy and relatively easy to relate to, and it has us engrossed in the story quickly. Even Rebecca, the Superhost at the log house, is still adorable in her own way despite her bumbling behaviour. You know something might be wrong with her, but she might also just be introverted and socially awkward.
The music creates tension every time Rebecca is on screen, giving hints of what might happen. There are many details that, if watched carefully, can provide clues to the final reveal. The actors’ performance is magnificent, and the subject matter is very modern.
Shudder Original – Superhost – 2021Overall, my first impression is that it is an excellent light horror movie with a fun story to follow. It is perfectly done, and I wouldn’t change anything about it.
Now What About The Creator Of Superhost…FictionallyI carried this for far too long, my hate for Claire. So, the couples who created Superhost are Claire and Teddy. However, the channel matters much more to Claire, and that, to me, is all right. Her way of having her channel back to what is used to is wonky at best.
We learn throughout the movie that she had no problem with “clickbait.” We all know that nobody likes a thumbnail that drives you to click but then watch the video and that thumbnail image is nowhere to be found. Her boyfriend even points it out, and her answer is, “But we got eyeballs.”
Shudder Original – Superhost – 2021That leads me to believe that she only wants numbers and doesn’t care about quality.
On top of it all, Claire becomes obsessed with Rebecca and wants to exploit her personality. She wants to have more videos of her, posts them, and talk about them. She wants to expose Rebecca as a “crazy” person with overly awkward social behavior.
Again, to me, that’s a mean girl attitude.
The Past Is Super Fast To Catch Up To YouWhen Claire and Teddy want to record a video about Rebecca, which is mostly Claire’s idea. Teddy is reluctant to it and points out at the security camera in the room. However, his face clearly shows concern about Claire’s decision to expose Rebecca.
Shudder Original – Superhost – 2021When a rock impacts the window on the second floor, the couple runs outside to find out it is Vera, a past Superhost. The couple went to her place and stayed before giving it a horrible review since Vera was now out of business and had sold her property.
By what Vera said, we also understand that it wasn’t the first time Claire and Teddy did such an awful thing to owners. In fact, she mentions that they are poison.
“They are not what they say they are. They will ruin your business!”
Shudder Original, Superhost, Vera
Teddy doesn’t stop Claire, so I won’t defend him, but I won’t hold him fully responsible for the movie’s outcome. On the other hand, Claire is the leader of the operation and seems to feed on exposing any little neat picking thing she can find, and if you happen to be like Rebecca…well, she’ll eat you and spit you out.
Let’s just say I was cheering for Vera and Rebecca.
The Superhost Becomes The SupermostRebecca always arrives at the perfect time to take care of a situation. She took care of Vera, not knowing who she was and defended Claire and Teddy. After all, she was anxious about getting a bad review.
Showing some backbone and scaring the lady away, Rebecca then agrees to do the interview for the couple and their channel. We see a different attitude from Rebecca, one that has Claire salivating and one that had Teddy show compassion.
Shudder Original – Superhost – 2021However, not too long after some other strange occurrences, the couple decides to leave ahead of time. Rebecca is in the middle of the road as if waiting for them and lure them into the woods. Teddy doesn’t want to follow or get out of the care, but Claire wants her footage of Rebecca thinking she was harmless.
What awaits them is a prank flawlessly performed and showing that owners can bite back. Rebecca has way more where that came from, and believe me, you’ll cheer for her success! The client isn’t always right and karma isn’t always a bitch, she can also be socially awkward…
My Last Thoughts Are Super!‘s performance is beyond expectations, and she carries the entire movie to another level. Superhost is already quite good, but she brings it higher than expected. She creates an environment that is sublime for the movie.
I still watch it to this day as it is a light movie but a good one. There is no gore for most of the movie, nothing until the climax. Superhost is about building the characters and what is going on in and around the rented house.
I absolutely love Superhost and highly recommend it! I give it a solid 4/5 stars.
April 25, 2022
I Watched Love On Iceland
I am not a romance movie watcher, but that one got me curious because I am obsessed with Iceland. I didn’t know what to expect or if it would be the cheesiest movie I’d watch. I was pleasantly surprised at how a non-complicated and happy movie can make me feel. It had me smile a few times.
*** NO SPOILERS!!! ***The Official SummarySeeking inspiration for work, gathers her college travel group back together for a trip to Iceland. When her ex, a group member, shows up uninvited, sparks fly.
My Overall SummaryThe movie is a little less shallow than the controlling idea or pitch of the movie sound.
Chloe is a woman in her early thirties who might love where she works but seeks more than just being a podcast producer. The last interviewee for the show mentions Iceland, and it has her thinking about taking a trip and mentions it to her best friend who’s on board.
When in Iceland with her college friends, one last surprise shows up, and it’s , a worldwide photographer who happens to also be Chloe’s ex. A whole Icelandic week planned by a tourist guide her friends paid for has Chloe show her controlling and overly organized side when handing the guide ideas for the week.
Seeing Charlie under a new light and with a few years on him does have Chloe melt a little, and the other way around is just as accurate. A week of adventure and new discoveries, reinforcing a friendship that started over a decade ago and a new idea flourishing to bring Chloe to a new level in her life is all it takes, and it all started in Iceland.
Romantic Movies and MeOkay, let’s be clear, I have nothing against romantic movies, but I am so impossible to please that I often turn them down. Knowing Hallmark had me thinking it would be even more cheesy than any other production company. But a recent experience with a Christmas movie had me click play.
I love Iceland and Vikings—I recently learned I had Icelandic DNA, so a plus! The movie started, and the music calmed me down. Note here that I have chronic anxiety and high levels of panic. The movie had not started yet, and I was already relaxing.
The scenery of the movie was quite enjoyable. For a television movie, I was expecting basic panoramic views and repetitive shots cut in different manners to trick the viewer into thinking it was a different surrounding, but it wasn’t the case.
Most romantic movies have the same recipe, just different characters. Without saying that Love On Iceland is breaking ground, I think choosing a northern location and bringing the people into exploring the country—despite remaining in the capital’s surroundings—helped the movie’s feel considerably.
So, it’s worth giving a shot from a “not so much into romantic movies” girl.
The Location Of An Icy MovieThe story has a modern feel to it. In her early thirties, it has a woman working at a podcast network as a producer wanting more out of life. The college friends seem realistic enough, and the characters aren’t two-dimensional as I expected. They do have some depth and help the plot move along.
It is not a new idea for romantic movies to have a “let’s go on a trip to change your mind” or “help you find yourself again!” There is no originality there except for the location: Iceland. Of all the places in the world, they chose a historical country with a winter wonderland feel.
Yes, the movie takes place right after the holidays, and Hallmark is promoting their Winterfest, so choosing a Scandinavian country was a giveaway. However, Iceland is often forgotten, so happy camper here.
Frozen Iceland With A Warm HeartBecause Chloe is looking for the next best idea for a podcast series to save the channel, she’s on a quest. Now we enter the part where the ex is the one helping to find the idea that will change her life.
I’m all for giving second chances. In this case, the ex is not an a-hole or someone who cheated on Chloe or a bad person. Both were young, with entirely different careers projecting them forward. That is what tore them apart. So, the idea of having him, Charlie, as the love interest is not forced or unrealistic.
The story is about love, like a “happily ever after” kind of love due to Chloe’s work and what she’s after. The subject is well dispersed with all the group of friends’ activities in Iceland. Surprisingly enough, it wasn’t annoying at all.
Word to the wise: it will have you want to visit the country!
Lastly, we hear many love stories from different locals, and it is adorable. The chalet where the friends stay has a couple running the place, and they are the kindest people. I know they are characters, but they sold their roles very well.
The Clichés Of The MovieThere are not too many romantic clichés in the movie. I might not be the perfect barometer for the clichés, but I did catch two of them! Then again, I’m not a romance movie expert.
The group visits ice caves with the tour guide, which is quite charming and good-looking. He talks, and suddenly, Charlie isn’t there.
As a photographer, he ventured deeper into the cave than allowed, and Chloe caught up to him. The cliché here is that they look into each other’s eyes, and she slips on the ice, and he catches her.
The other is the famous “He heard something negative from his love interest and instantly thinks it’s about him” cliché and leaves.
So, our friend Charlie here assumes that Chloe’s words are about him and doesn’t stay to find out or even ask her. This is unrealistic as a reaction, and we all know how it will turn out.
Sadly, that one cliché reveals what the climax of the movie will be and its ending. There is no more guessing or “Hmm, I wonder how they’ll tie this up.”
Overall IcelandI didn’t wish to reveal anything about the Love On Iceland because it’s a sweet treat. It can be watched at any given time since it’s not linked to any holidays. The instrumental is soothing, and the story is easy-going.
Of course, we are talking about a world where everything is so perfect with friends whose schedules coincide with everyone. We do have absolute perfect moments and timing. Chloe has such good karma that she gets to have everything she ever wanted.
But isn’t that why we watch those movies? To make us dream, we could have it too?
With that said, I strongly recommend this Love On Iceland movie to watch and have a good happy time. Easy watch and an excellent idea for the location. It’s a good background movie or feel-better movie.
Side note, Chloe looks like from the Netflix series Lucifer. I just found it funny.
April 24, 2022
the Art Of The Horror Movie Suspiria
Let’s take a look at the art of the horror movie Suspiria!
“Young American dancer Susie Bannion arrives in 1970s Berlin to audition for the world-renowned Helena Markos Dance Co. When she vaults to the role of lead dancer, the woman she replaces breaks down and accuses the company’s female directors of witchcraft.
Meanwhile, an inquisitive psychotherapist and a member of the troupe uncover dark and sinister secrets as they probe the depths of the studio’s hidden underground chambers.” — Google
IMDb SummaryA darkness swirls at the center of a world-renowned dance company, one that will engulf the artistic director, an ambitious young dancer, and a grieving psychotherapist. Some will succumb to the nightmare. Others will finally wake up. — IMDb
Susie Bannion is a young American ballerina who travels to Berlin to study dancing at Madame Blanc’s Markos Tanz Company, one of the world’s most renowned schools.
On her first day, one of the students who had been recently expelled from the school was murdered. As this appalling happening does not seem to be an isolated occurrence, the brilliant new student soon suspects that the school might be involved in the homicide.
Her mistrust heightens when Sarah, one of the girls at the school, tells her that before she was killed, Pat confided to her that she knew and guarded a terrifying secret. — IMDb
My View On The Remake Of SuspiriaFirst of all, I will never get the title right without looking it up! I’m French, and I always have the word “suplice” in my head, which means torture. However, the movie takes place in late 1970s—1977 to be exact—Germany when the people and politics started to stir, and Germany, I believe, was still divided, and the wall would still be up for about a decade, if not less.
Keeping true to the 70s, when the original movie took place, we have a retro filming tactic to encompass us in the timeline. The attention to detail in the wardrobe and overall furniture, color scheme and actors’ appearances are impressive. It is an Amazon Prime Studios movie, and it showed it meant business with this one!
The quality of the soundtrack and division of “Act” as if the movie were a live dance performance recital is impeccable. We are pulled into the world of dance at a very tough time for anyone. It is especially for our protagonist, , who moves from the United States of Ohio to Berlin to audition for the company.
I never watched the original. But I heard a lot about it and watched many bits and pieces. I could tell it was redone carefully. Apart from the ending, the movie follows the spine of the original in a polished way. This Suspiria is a work of art.
Are We Looking Black Swan Dance Perfection Or Not?is the leading actor and protagonist of the movie. I knew Dakota from the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, and we all know where that ended! Because Suspiria is a movie revolving around dancing, I feared the worst.
Suspiria 2018My expectations were low, but I immediately paid attention to the camera angles and edits when she auditioned. After some research on the subject, because it is not always clear if it is her or not, Dakota says she did about ninety percent of the dance required. Let’s face it, someone else could have danced for her. However, we see Dakota perform from head to toe a few times.
As an ex-professional dancer, I had my doubts about specific movements that would require years of training. I also noticed the “lazy arms” instead of “ballet arms.” Sorry, I am French and went to French art performing school, so the terms are different.
“I trained on and off for about a year before we started filming, but I’m not a professional dancer. It was terrifying.”
Dakota Johnson
Suspiria 2018I would say Dakota is not at ‘s level of dancing. For Black Swan, Natalie Portman had the world-renowned classical ballet dancer Mary Helen Bowers as her tutor. However, Suspiria is more about interpretive dancing than ballet, but ballet is always the foundation. Like a house or building, if the foundation isn’t solid, it might crumble.
But Dakota did deliver a good performance in the movie. Also, I might add that the camera work was magnificent to support the actor in her work. After all, Dakota took tap, jazz, and ballet for ten years, from five to fifteen years old.
The Witches Of SuspiriaThe dancing is the front of the company as the actual purpose is to hide witchcraft. I would say the witches are there for perfection in the performing arts since they use a dancing company to hide. There are three mothers among the coven that votes for them. We understand soon enough that there is reincarnation or rebirth at work.
Suspiria 2018Mother is the main one despite the name surfacing a lot during the movie. The way dresses, her hairdo, her stance, all are reminiscent of a ballet teacher, bravo! She is the primary mentor and does spectacular work.
“When you dance the dance of another, you make yourself in the image of its creator. You empty yourself so that her work can live within you. Do you understand?”
Tilda Swinton
The young women at the company do not suspect a coven at work due to the family vibe going on. Nurturing and loving, the coven shows themselves as mother figures to the girls. They hide their intentions very carefully. However, as the movie goes on, Blanc feels something different coming from Suzie.
The best and horror factor is how every girl’s gift is taken from them and repurposed for Suzie.
Leaving The Dream For The ArtIn Suspiria, Suzie is quite naïve. She’s from a family of Mennonites. She left a few times to see dancing spectacles and saw Blanc perform three times. She suffered many punishments.
So much so that on her deathbed, her mother made a confession to the priest. She said that her sin was bringing Suzie into the world. If that isn’t cruel coming from a mother, I don’t know what is…but this movie has many symbols and details to notice!
Suspiria 2018Because Suzie was a Mennonite, dance was out of the question, and therefore she is self-taught. When auditioning for the company, she bets her life on it because she has nowhere to go in Germany, doing not so well.
In a week, Suzie goes from a nobody auditioning for a place in the company to becoming a professional dancer in Berlin. Then, she becomes the star of the performance to come. For that reason alone, a few pairs of eyes are on her for having such a talent for dancing.
Meanwhile, some sacrifices are necessary and come to the detriment of other dancers.
The Witcraft, The Dancers, And The StudioOne link connecting all the dots is the psychotherapist that one dancer from the company saw as a patient. Josef most likely classified as a psychotic young dancer who interpreted the world around her in a bizarre way that made sense to her. She spoke of witchcraft, the people running the company as a coven drinking her urine, cutting her hair and using her.
Suspiria 2018We learn in the movie about her disappearance not long after she visits the psychotherapist, . But did she really run away? In the middle of practice, , an older student and star of the performance, shook by Patricia’s decision to leave, has a meltdown and calls Blanc a witch and leaves. Well, “leave” is a strong word in that movie.
Josef decides to do his own research about the company and meet with , one of Suzie’s first friends in Berlin. She was close to Patricia and accepted Josef’s invitation. At first reluctant, seduced by the nurturing and kindness of the company that charged their employees nothing for staying at their complex, Sara kept her mouth shut. However, the more she noticed strange behavior, the more she investigated the studio building.
The Show Must Go On Dancers!The movie drags you into its story and makes it even more accurate with it switching from English to German, a little French too for dancing purposes. The horrific moments are quite shocking and performed spectacularly. We do wonder what forces are at work in this movie!
Suspiria 2018It is easy to recognize the 1970s look of the filming. We can enjoy the retro vibes of the movie, which is perfect as a remake that pays tribute to the original.
The movie gives an excellent payoff to those who stick to the end. Do not expect a twist or an “everything is revealed!” ending. This isn’t that kind of movie. However, if you follow the signs and details, it may lead to a possible sequel.
I give the movie 4/5 stars!
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