Michelle Wuesthoff's Blog
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July 3, 2019
My Real-life, Mid-life Mom Crisis
Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash
When I was a kid, I thought a mid-life crisis meant you bought a sports car because you felt bad about getting old. I also thought it was a guy thing — an old guy thing. Yet here I am, proving myself wrong: a 50-year-old mom with no sports car on the horizon, standing at the crossroads of the rest of my life, freaking out about what to do next.
For me, this is not an identity crisis. One of the best things about turning the big 5–0 is finally being able to live out who I am with security and confidence. That’s been a hard-fought, hard-won battle, forged through years of therapy and “doing the work” it takes to get there. So, it’s not that that I’m grappling with.
It’s literally the question, “What now?” that has had me spinning my wheels for the last several years. And the more I try to figure out the answer, the more I freak out about getting it wrong.
Let me back up the truck a bit to put this in context.
I’m a smart cookie. Hard to know how to say that without sounding arrogant, but it’s the truth. I have a high IQ, have excelled academically, and I have a variety of natural talents. I also chose to be a stay-at-home mom at 24, when I had my first baby. Those two things are not antithetical, but it sure feels like that’s the assumption everyone makes.
I had my first son when I was 24, and five years later we began our adoption journey(s). At 29 and 31, I welcomed home our next two daughters from Korea, and I was livin’ the mom life in full-force for the next ten years or so. That’s not to say I didn’t earn money over that time period, but I didn’t have a career to speak of. I did everything from painting pet portraits, to cleaning houses, to interior decorating — and the extra money afforded us family vacations and stuff like that. At 40 years old, our lives took a major detour from the original plan when I went on my first mission trip to Africa…and long-story-short, we ended up adopting a son and daughter from Uganda. Unquestionably, all five kids needed me home, available, and highly involved.
But, fast-forwarding to now, our oldest is married, our three daughters are in college, and our youngest son is about to enter his junior year in high school. Everyone (thank God) is doing great and well on their way to becoming well-adjusted, productive adults.
So…(twiddling thumbs anxiously)…what’s next?
The reality is I am NOT sitting around twiddling my thumbs. Or vacuuming my house maniacally. Or even bored. Seriously, I don’t even know what it feels like to be bored.
But here’s the quandary, and what’s fueling my mid-life mom crisis: I like to do a lot of things. And I do a lot of things pretty well. I’ve developed a ton of interests and skills over the last 25 years. Most of them are self-taught, but I have had some training and education. I’ve taken a few grad classes and finished a two-year program at a coaching institute. I’ve published a book, even. But I feel lost as how to make everything (or anything, for that matter) I know or can do into an actual career. A career that makes actual money.
I don’t need a career to define who I am, yet I want my life to have the definition and structure a career gives.
I am creative and entrepreneurial, yet afraid to manufacture a career of my own. I’ve gone down a few of these avenues already, and they’ve pretty much ended up being dead ends.
I stand behind my choice to be at home with my kids 100%, but I still find myself justifying/apologizing/qualifying when asked, “So, what do you do?” Hello, insecurity, my old friend.
…also, the dreaded resume filled with “life experiences,” rather than employment…
…and…I’m. Afraid. of. Failure. (there, I said it.)
What’s a mid-life mom to do in this situation? How do I sort out my interests and skills and knowledge and priorities and actually point them all in one direction?? (You’d think I’d know this after 2 years of coaching instruction, but that’s another story.) Recently, someone asked me to title the current chapter of my life and I responded: Trying to Herd My Inner Cats. Seriously, it’s like that. Each thing is so interesting and full of life but seems to want to go its own way.
And I feel like I’m back in college, senior year. On the doorstep of the rest of my life, not really knowing what to do, afraid to take that first step.
Except this time, somehow, the stakes and expectations seem higher — at least for me. I don’t want to be the crazy cat lady who can’t focus and fritters away her remaining productive years. Perhaps the solution is letting some of those cats out the back door to go play in the yard, and keeping just a couple inside.
I have an idea what those might be, but you better believe I’m not making a public announcement of my “new career path.” Been there, done that, back-tracked, felt foolish. I may be an old dog (with no sports car) but I’m still learning new tricks.
To be honest, I had hopes that writing all this down would alleviate some of the angst, but it’s still there. And it would’ve been great to have some sort of happy ending right here at the bottom of the page, but there just isn’t one yet. Yet is the operative word, because ultimately, I do believe I’ll get there. I’ve learned a lot about hope and determination, the payoff of hard work, and the grace of God to lead you on the right path. My very full life of past experiences has taught me that.
Maybe I’ll add that to my resume.
Recent Posts
My Real-life, Mid-life Mom Crisis
What ‘Self-Love’ is Really Supposed to Mean
Why Deconstructing Your Faith is Good For You
You’ve Never Seen Transformation Like This
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The post My Real-life, Mid-life Mom Crisis appeared first on Live Life Beautifully.
June 18, 2019
What ‘Self-Love’ is Really Supposed to Mean
Let me start right off the bat by saying that I think the term ‘self-love’ is super cringy. Like…ew. But it’s everywhere right now. The topic and its moniker are headlined in psychology articles, pop music lyrics, books, blogs, and memes galore. And it begs the question, in a day and age where even toddlers know how to take a selfie, do we really need to be encouraged to love ourselves more?
My answer is an emphatic YES. Let me explain why.
There are a couple of competing terms that are all the rage now — namely, self-love and narcissism — and we’re getting mixed messages and misinformation about both.
Narcissism, as far as I can tell, is purely negative. It spans the spectrum from excessive selfishness and self-focus, to an all-out personality disorder. For a narcissistic person to have a true personality disorder, they must exhibit narcissistic thoughts and behaviors across at least five different areas; in other words, it must be an ongoing, pervasive problem. But narcissists at any level have persistent issues with relationships, and if you happen to know one, this is readily apparent. True narcissists do not actually love themselves, despite that characterization. It’s quite the opposite, really.
Self-love is sometimes mischaracterized as narcissism, but even more often, it’s peddled as a kind of ‘treat yo-self’ mentality. You know,“Be good to yourself, because you deserve it.” Or this:
Don’t get me wrong: this isn’t 100% bad or untrue. But here’s the thing — these kinds of ‘self-love’ messages often appeal to our tendencies toward self-preservation, justification, defensiveness, elitism, and needing to be right. They appeal to our just-under-the-surface feelings that want to be alleviated with quick fix. And, they target our logic and rationale, rather than the deeper, more foundational places in our hearts.
And that’s a real problem, because what most of us are desperately lacking is a healthy sense of self.
Real self-love means having a secure identity.
And what is a secure identity, exactly? Rather than a definition, let me give you a description of what it looks and feels like:
You believe you were created ‘good’ and for a purpose.
Believing we are fundamentally good doesn’t mean we think we are sinless or flawless, but valuable and worthy. When we believe we have been created for a purpose, we believe we matter and have something to offer — to ourselves, to others, and to the world around us. These basic beliefs are consistently present in a person with a secure identity, regardless of circumstance.
2. You are self-aware.
People who are self-aware take regular inventory and assessment of their inner and outer lives. They know where they stand, so to speak. They are conscious of where they are doing well, and where there’s room to grow or change. They are cognizant of the relationships between themselves and others, and recognize that their presence and behavior impact (and are impacted by) those around them.
3. You own your story.
You are not ashamed of your past because you realize your story is still being written. You don’t allow negative circumstances to define you, nor do you believe your triumphs alone make you valuable. And you realize that, even in your own story, others play significant roles, for good or bad, and help to make you you.
4. You are at peace with yourself.
This doesn’t mean “I’m fine just the way I am.” Not really, anyway. We need to be at peace with who we are right now, while still acknowledging we are on a journey to become an even better version of ourselves. Practicing self-love requires that we take that journey — we just need to be OK with the self we’re taking along.
5. You understand it’s not all about you.
Your sense of self no longer wavers with circumstances or the company you keep. And that leads to this monumental truth:
When your identity is secure, you are freed up to love others more freely.
Self-love, in the ways I’ve described above, ultimately takes our (constant) focus off of ourselves, and allows us to love others better.
When we love ourselves, there is no need for jealousy or competition.
When we love ourselves, we don’t behave out of insecurity.
When we love ourselves, we love others out of an overflow, and not from a deficit.
When we love ourselves, our inner critic, our inner judge, and our inner victim are all silenced. Once those voices pipe down, the voices of compassion and empathy rise up.
When we love ourselves, we automatically practice healthy boundaries, so we don’t need to be defensive or on the lookout to protect our own best interests.
When we love ourselves, it allows us to see others (and life in general) with a clearer, more accurate perspective.
Finally, when we love ourselves, we are positioned to experience more joy and better receive love from those around us.
Self-love isn’t selfish. Or narcissistic, or even completely about us. It makes us better people, and that impacts our world for the better, too. But you’ve gotta love yourself the right way. Flowers and cake and bubble baths and ‘me time’ only scratch at the surface of our deepest needs. And the effects fade pretty quickly.
Real love, when you think about it, takes work. It’s not always pretty or gratifying in the short term. But if you’ve ever been blessed to experience any kind of deep, abiding love, you know how beautiful it is, and ultimately, how it changes your life.
Do the work that real self-love requires. Then treat yo-self. You deserve both, and so does everyone around you.
What have you learned about self-love? Share your comments below.
Photo by Shot By Ireland on Unsplash
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May 15, 2019
Why Deconstructing Your Faith is Good For You
Have you ever had a crisis of faith? I’ve always thought that meant questioning whether you believe in God anymore, but for some people like me, it’s not exactly that. It’s more that you begin to doubt the specifics of what you believe. You wonder whether what you’ve built your faith upon can hold up to your experiences and the inner voice that’s telling you something isn’t right. And unless you’re willing to throw it all out and walk away (which hopefully you aren’t,) that’s the point you begin deconstructing your faith. It’s a dissection. For some, it’s more of an autopsy, a post-mortem to find out the cause of death of your old belief system.
The recent, tragic passing of Rachel Held Evans brought the topic of deconstruction to the forefront in mainstream media. Chronicling her own journey through it in Searching for Sunday and Inspired, Rachel shone a spotlight on the various ways religion and church often hurt their followers. She gave a name and validation for what many are experiencing, and even more importantly, she empathized with them. Because the damage done is often deep and severe, people need help and healing in order to move on from it—and they’re not finding it in the next church they attend. If they ever attend again. The incongruity of what the Bible teaches and how Christians behave is driving people out of church at an alarming rate. And so far, the church doesn’t seem to get why.
The problem is, most of us don’t begin deconstructing our faith before we experience a crisis. We go to church, hear the teachings, plug in, and serve. We engage in worship, in our small groups, and in the relationships we’ve built on Sundays. And as long as we basically feel good about it all, we aren’t challenged to examine what we believe or how we’re living that out. And as a result, we become complacent. That’s where deception, hypocrisy, and self-righteousness can creep in unnoticed.
And just because we aren’t aware of those things, doesn’t mean we aren’t still accountable for them.
My own deconstruction began a few years ago, before I even knew that’s what it was called. Reeling from my own devastating church experience, I began sorting out what I had learned and believed that was biblical, and what was not. I had to identify people and ideas I had (unwittingly) constructed my faith around rather than on God. And probably most importantly, I began to question who I really was apart from who I was in the context of church. Because what we believe about ourselves directly correlates to what we believe about God, and directly impacts those around us.
And I’ve learned a lot so far. For starters, how many factors influence our belief system. They are many and complicated, and it has been a challenge to untangle them from each other in order to assess what I actually believe. I don’t think I’ve quite finished the process of deconstructing my faith, but here are a handful of “discoveries” I’ve come across along the way:
Culture plays a significant role in what we believe
Though many churches (and Christians) feel at war with the culture around them, it’s necessary to recognize that culture exists within the Church as well. Every individual church has a culture of its own, as does each stream or denomination within the Christian faith. Our countries and regions affect our church culture as well. All of those cultural components influence what we think, how we think, and how we behave—just like culture does out there “in the world.” We have our preferred way of doing things, our buzz words and “dialects”, even our preferred style of Sunday attire. There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these things, but if we fail to acknowledge the impact they can have on our belief system (or how they’ve arisen out of it) we are deceived.
Loyalty and allegiance to our church culture, leaders, and the fellowship cloud our perspective
This is a big one I see play out in so many realms. Any gathering of people under a common purpose creates a sense of belonging—something we intrinsically desire. It’s how we were created. And in that, belonging to something (or someone) is extremely powerful and sewn into the fabric of our identity. When our identity is in people, places, or groups, all which are subject to change over time, we feel threatened when anything comes in to disrupt the security we’ve found there. So often, we fight to keep the status quo to protect ourselves. Because we aren’t aware that’s what we’re doing, we can then overlook or turn a blind eye to things we normally wouldn’t in a different context. What’s more, that same loyalty and allegiance can create an “us vs. them” mentality that is completely contrary to what the Bible teaches.
Whether or not you believe Scripture is infallible, all Scripture has been interpreted by fallible people
At the end of one of my theology courses in grad school, I was faced with an interesting question. I studied every stream and denomination of the Christian faith–what they believe, what they don’t believe, what are the most important tenets of that denomination, where they stand on all the issues that are often up for debate. Included in my study were also the big-name theologians, the great teachers, the founders of different ministries throughout history. I closed my enormous textbook after finishing it and asked myself, “Well…who’s right?”
Now think of the teachers, pastors, and leaders we follow, all with different levels of scholarship, revelation, and experience. They have interpretations as well. That’s not to say we shouldn’t believe anything we are taught, but we need to recognize that everything we are taught by people is filtered through their own imperfect lens. Our own reading of Scripture is filtered through our personal lens, too. We can’t help that, of course. But in every case, it highlights the need for an ongoing dialog with God to allow His spirit to testify to yours. Don’t rely solely on the teachings of others to inform your beliefs.
Emotional health (and the practice of pursuing it) is necessary for spiritual health
If you aren’t regularly challenging yourself to grow and mature emotionally, your judgement will remain impaired. It impacts all areas of our lives, including our faith and belief systems. Your discernment about right/wrong, healthy/unhealthy, Christlike/unChristlike are all tied to your emotional health. Your relationship with God and with others are either limited or facilitated according to your emotional health as well. Churches, leaders, and faith communities that don’t value and practice the discipline of emotional growth make it an unsafe place for people that do. On top of that, those who are emotionally unhealthy (or not growing) often don’t recognize when they are in an unhealthy place. Things only become clear after they’re out of that situation.
I’m sure there are other things that influence the constructs of our faith and belief systems, but these are the major areas I’ve landed on while deconstructing my own faith. As I said, that process isn’t done for me, but I have reached a place of greater peace and understanding about my faith and, ultimately, a deeper reliance on God. It’s been a hard-fought battle for me to reach this solid ground. But I’m grateful.
Grateful for what I’ve been taught, grateful for the teachers and churches that have helped shape me.
Grateful for the endless resources out there that inspire me to pursue God and all He has for me.
But the greatest win of all is finally reaching a place where my faith isn’t dependent upon anything but God Himself.
Photo by Bethany Laird on Unsplash
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April 17, 2019
You’ve Never Seen Transformation Like This
If you’re at all like me, every time you log onto a social media platform, you’re bound to see some amazing before-and-after photos of people who have undergone an incredible transformation. It’s hard to just scroll by without scrutinizing the images. To be honest, I find them to be just as discouraging as they are inspiring. Sometimes, I allow those photos to make me feel jealous or bad about myself, because I’ve struggled to lose the same ten-to-fifteen pounds over the past four years. It doesn’t matter how often I’m told that I look good, because the fact is, my jeans don’t lie.
At the same time, I am not who I was four years ago.
I have undergone a radical transformation–it’s just been on the inside, where you can’t really see.
My mind and my behavior have had a complete lifestyle change in pursuit of better emotional and spiritual health. Like cleaning out my fridge and pantry of all the junk food, I’ve been determined to clear out unhealthy mindsets, lies, fears, and responses, all in preparation for a new way of life. I’ve adopted a strict diet of life-giving “food” for my malnourished soul. I’m careful to get that food from pure sources: namely, God and those who love me and encourage me to grow, Movies, books, music, and other impersonal sources are intentionally weighed and sifted for value before I consume them. And I have worked hard to exercise new behaviors, even when I didn’t feel like it, or my out-of-shape faith muscles were sore from overuse.
Four years later, I may look virtually the same on the outside, save for a few extra wrinkles and more persistent grays. But I am not the same. I am a new creation.
I am stronger than I realized.
I’ve risen from the ashes of a dozen fires and emerged happier and healthier each time.
However, at the same time, I am keenly aware of my fragility and vulnerability, and that I cannot do it all or do any of it perfectly.
Transformation never happens without hard work and rarely happens without heartbreak as the impetus for change. There’s a popular quote circulating these days that says, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” It addresses the fact that we can’t always see on the outside what people are going through. And although the quote refers to the hardships people face, it’s more than just that.
Because for every battle that comes our way, there is opportunity for victory and transformation.Click To Tweet
It’s true that when real and lasting change is enacted, you (and others) will experience positive results. But for the most part, it really is experiential. You can’t always see it with your eyes. And unlike those weight loss and body transformation photos, it’s hard to capture the progress that’s being made along the way. But it doesn’t mean nothing’s happening.
I can be both victim and perpetrator of the comparison game, especially when it comes to those before-and-after photos. Perhaps I’d be able to better celebrate the visible successes of others if I learned how to properly celebrate the ones I’ve achieved on the inside.
Everyone who chooses to do what it takes to really thrive should be celebrated. For their courage. Their determination. The sheer will to break out of their personal status quo. Your transformation story is uniquely yours and worthy of celebration–so share your before and after story.
Chances are, it will inspire others to transform their lives, too.
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