Ray Shabir's Blog

I’m back with my family. It’s I’ve been here for two days, and it feels good. Things move even slower here so I decided to write about how things are. Usually, I wake up and feed my cats, drink coffee standing up in my kitchen, kiss them on their heads before going to work, and then come home. I haven’t been seeing my friends, and I’m starting to miss them. These past few months I’ve been mostly alone. I haven’t really been meeting my thoughts, because fortunately there hasn’t re...

There was a time where I didn’t leave my house. People who just met me probably thinks I don’t really have a life anymore. My new contacts were surprised that I ask them to hang out in my place so soon. The people I date were sick of me turning my bed into restaurants, entertainment center, my own little city that I actually want to sleep in. People who do know me are well aware that I’ve been canceling plans on purpose. I sleep in (way too e...

IN

being messy and chaotic online. we tried to look esoteric and well-read now it’s time to be manic again.

letting your phone die more.

predrinks that are so fun that you cancel going out.

building parasocial intimacy through small details like replying comments or sending them a selfie.

making your coffee at home.

saying you’re in “silent hill” every time it’s foggy in the world and/or in your mind.

hitting them back below the belt after they throw the first punch out of nowhere,...

i keep wanting to disappear, but that makes me restless. i keep wanting to leave no trace of myself, but a part of me wants to take up even more space -- a more stubborn, stickier existence in the world, getting the most out of it by moving through parties and readings and shows and openings and staring at the ceiling with a cracked-open heart every night.

i disappear quite often, but never long enough for anyone to notice. most people are busy with their o...

IN

Sleeping without checking the time

Answering texts three hours late but with love

The first sip of beer after a terrible day

Sweaters you “borrowed” and never returned

Taking a walk in malls with main character energy

20 minutes of soft melodies in autumn

Screenshots of poems you won’t admit you like

Sending playlists as apologies

Letting people care for you without justifying it

Air purifiers

OUT

Over-explaining your boundaries

“Sorry I fell asleep” texts.

Photodump captions th...

I’ve been thinking about my history with love lately—or rather, the intricate and oftentimes tumultuous relationships I had entangled myself with throughout time. I look at them now like how I would a photo album. I no longer wonder why some pictures faded more than others. I understood why they’re discolored. It’s always bittersweet when I look at them, but most of the time I feel okay. It was never a waste of time, for me—the years spent loving them, yearning for them...

IN

Giving a 24h ban on replying to people you’re mad at

Saying “I’m booked and busy” when you’re really not

Having time to reply right away, but still text “omg sorry just saw this!!”

Midday showers to fix your entire personality

Sending voice notes that are just sighs and ambient street noise

Having one dramatic crying session and calling it shadow work

Making at least three different savings account

Spending your birthday money on a expensive scented candles and a gay little cake

Curating gr...

We love at our best, often without asking if the person on the other end is capable of holding it. We cut ourselves open, stitching our weight into someone else’s hands, praying they’ll know what to do with it. And when they leave, we wrestle with an anger that loves us enough to protect us but not enough to chase after our ghosts.

This is a body of work written when the weight of love was the heaviest. A story told about the lingering dial tones and conversations that re...

IN

Going out with your third-tier friend

Sleeping early, like around 11 PM

Joining a book club and following through

A full half-day, thorough Sunday resets

“Abracadabra” by Lady Gaga music video

Buying more than one vinyl variant

Get on talking terms with your ex

OUT

Being nice without reservations

Talking too much about your crushes

Fucking your coworkers

Kopi Susu

Drinking on weekdays

Saying “Homies.”

Dear friend,

About 10 years ago, my mom accidentally threw out a stack of my Lady Gaga ma...

IN

Sleeping with the AC on but no blanket

Watching Criterion films but never finishing them

Loving your friends loudly

Grocery shopping like you're curating your feed

Not blocking your ex, just muting them

Pocari Sweat

"Miss Behaves" by Cece Natalie

White tank tops

Drinking red wine like it's a personality

Crying on your yoga mat

Watering your plants slowly while listening to voice notes

Journaling but not talking about it

OUT

Dances with tutorials longer than the dance

Complaining ...