Margaret Robinson Rutherford's Blog

Have you ever thought that intuition could be used for healing crisis?

Laura��Day, the New York Times bestselling author is back with a long-awaited, life-altering book to help you learn how to do just that.��In her past breakthrough book Practical Intuition, she explained how anyone can train themselves to gain full access to the powers of the intuitive brain. However, only Laura���s closest friends knew that behind the book���s phenomenal success was a dark family history.

In this, her first book in fifteen years, Day, shares her haunting and unforgettable family story. Multiple suicides including her mother. A home life where the kids actually lived by themselves in a separate apartment from their parents. Only her intuition helped her figure out what no one had taught her ��� how to care for herself and her siblings.

Now, Day has combined her experiences and teaching in her new book, The Prism: Seven��Steps to Heal Your Past and Transform Your Future (Spiegel & Grau; April 29, 2025. It reveals seven points in our growth as children and adults that can hinder or help us thrive.

Next week���s episode will begin our official 9th year here at SelfWork! We can���t believe it really. I won���t say it���s flown by ��� 9 years is a long time. But guests keep coming ��� listeners let us know through comments and questions ��� and supporting our sponsors ��� that SW remains important to you. We thank you so much for that. And see you next week.

Click�� HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 ��� with bonus product with your new subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast,��SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.��Subscribe��to��my website��and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you���d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click��here��and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled��Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order��here!��Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it���s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. By recording, you���re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I���ll look forward to hearing from you!

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Today we have a grab bag of questions and comments, with the topics being blame, perfectly hidden depression, and bipolar disorder.

The first is from a mom who lived through her daughter and yet also didn���t offer safety or a sense of security ��� even with the basic things. This listener is now sober for a year (much to her credit) and is asking about how to navigate her relationship with her mom ��� who's still chaotic. The second is from a therapist who attended one of my workshops on perfectly hidden depression and had a great comment to make. The third is a voicemail from an older mom who sees her daughter as blaming her without reasonable cause. And last, someone whose fairly new boyfriend revealed he���d been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Since her father also had bipolar disorder, she���s not quite sure how to respond or react���

I���m very honored when listeners of SelfWork or readers of my articles on my website respond to me in some way. Realizing there���s much I don���t know after reading or listening to their email or voicemail, I hope what I can do is offer some kind of helpful perspective, knowing only the things they tell me.

Defining intergenerational trauma - VeryWell Mind Article

Practical Neurology article on bipolar disorder occurring after a head injury

Harvard research article on bipolar disorder

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer ��for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.��Subscribe��to��my website��and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you���d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click��here��and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression��is available��here!��Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There���s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You���ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you���re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I���ll look forward to hearing from you!

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Anger has a place. It���s an important emotion to feel and know how to handle. It lets you know a boundary and maybe a very important boundary, value, or expectation has been ignored or crossed or threatened in a very real way. But it���s a skill then to think through what you���re going to do with that anger.

It seems that there are a lot more people these days who are angry. Maybe it���s because the immediacy that social media and texting have provided that have made it SO much easier to attack someone else online ��� or it was online at first. Maybe it���s political rhetoric that���s become more aggressive and insulting, as if that���s okay.

But what do you do after you've lost your shit? Losing your shit is about losing control. It���s about very poor management ��� yes. But that term ��� albeit fairly colorful ��� usually means that you got way too mad about something and even you recognize that you were way out of line. Maybe it���s a pattern for you. Maybe you do it all the time. Or maybe it���s after something that suddenly happened ��� or seemed to suddenly happen��- and here comes a shit fit.

The speaker voicemail is from a man living in the UK ��� that discovered my writing about enmeshment. He describes giving so much of himself away to his parents, which then served as the pattern of his relationships with others ��� where he���s the caregiver for all ��� and feels that he has nothing left for himself. I���ll do my best to answer him!

Article on enmeshment

Article on the American Counseling Associations�����website on women's anger

Anger Management Resources

Article on regret after losing your temper

Click�� HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 ��� with bonus product with your new subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast,��SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.��Subscribe��to��my website��and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you���d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click��here��and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled��Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order��here!��Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it���s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. By recording, you���re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I���ll look forward to hearing from you!

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We���re talking about sexual abuse on SelfWork today ��� so please, if you have sexual abuse in your history or have somehow been affected by it, listen carefully.

Sometimes I receive a voicemail where I can hear the stark heartache that���s behind the message. And this week was no exception. The hurt expressed was so palpable for me. Not only hurt, but confusion and a huge sense of loss.

Who was it from? She���s a therapist. A mom. A daughter, not in that order. Let���s call her Lisa.

So, what had happened? Lisa���s very young daughter had told her that her mother���s husband, Lisa���s stepfather, had sexually molested her. And she���s struggling to handle the consequent tsunami of family distrust and estrangement between the members of her family ��� which is very common but still very painful. At the very time she feels she most needs her mother, her mom has taken her stepfather���s side and believes her granddaughter is making up something that didn���t happen.

Maybe some of you tried to talk to a parent or a teacher or a pastor about being hurt sexually or any other way in your family. Not only were you not believed. You might���ve been blamed or warned not to tell ���lies��� about your family ��� or the perpetrator.

Again, please take care in listening if you have a history of sexual abuse or were hurt in some way through sexual abuse. The sexual abuse hotline number/website below.

The RAINN.org sexual abse hotline/website

Jane Epstein's incredibly courageous journey, revealing sibling sexual abuse

SelfWork episode on intrafamilial sexual abuse

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer ��for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.��Subscribe��to��my website��and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you���d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click��here��and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression��is available��here!��Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There���s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You���ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you���re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I���ll look forward to hearing from you!

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One of the most difficult things we all face is how to find meaning in the moments or experiences of our lives that are cruel or devastating, frightening or despairing. The very idea that that might be possible can seem to completely ignore the very real pain or injury of that moment.

One of the most eye-opening books I ever read, I was introduced to in a freshman class I took in college. The course was geared toward the study of how different writers and philosophers, both ancient and present-day, had thought about how to do just that - find meaning.

That book was Victor Frankl���s ���Man���s Search for Meaning.��� I read it from cover to cover. In it, he told the story of being a prisoner in four different concentration camps during the Holocaust. What stayed with me was how he vowed to discover the tiniest shreds of meaning, of mattering that he could. Before he was imprisoned at age 37,��he'd worked as a psychiatrist and neurologist, and had created a form of therapy called ���logo therapy��� - a form of psychotherapy that focuses on finding meaning in life as the primary human motivation. It operates on the belief that individuals have the freedom to find purpose even in suffering, Its techniques aim to help people discover meaning through their work, love, and their attitude toward unavoidable suffering

My guest on SelfWork today, Pam Roy, has co-authored a book that serves as a companion book, offering creative reflections on many of Victor Frankl���s essential ideas. ��She���s full of stories about Frankl ��� is an expert on both him and his work ��� and has dedicated much of her life on trying to help people (especially parents) understand that their job is to find their own meaning and model that journey for their children.

Pam Roy's book

An article on logo therapy

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer ��for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.��Subscribe��to��my website��and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you���d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click��here��and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression��is available��here!��Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There���s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You���ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you���re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I���ll look forward to hearing from you!

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Today we���re focusing on what are termed borderline traits as well as different types of borderline personality disorder.

There are many people, primarily women, who struggle with it, without knowing what to call it. In fact, it wasn���t a ���diagnosis��� until 1980. But that certainly doesn���t mean it wasn���t real before that date.

Having any kind of personality disorder is tough. What do those words ���personality disorder��� mean? We���ll go over that (you may be wondering if you or someone you love may struggle with that). And today, we'll be covering two distinct and contradictory fears of those having borderline traits. We'll also focus on four different categories within the borderline framework that Dr. Christine Lawson uses in her fantastic book, Understanding the Borderline Mother.��Her whole approach is so that you, as her adult child, can learn how to have a relationship with her ��� with certain guardrails put in place.

Mayo Clinic article on personality disorders

The classic book on borderline personality disorder ���I Hate You, Don���t Leave Me���

SelfWork episode on nine ways to work through the guilt you may feel with a BPD mom

SelfWork episode on how you can never be enough for someone with BPD

Psychology Today article outlining the two major fears of someone with BPD

Summary of the four types of BPD

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer ��for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.��Subscribe��to��my website��and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you���d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click��here��and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression��is available��here!��Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There���s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You���ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you���re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I���ll look forward to hearing from you!

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Are you going down the high-functioning nervous breakdown rabbit hole?

When I read these words, written by our guest on SelfWork today, I knew I wanted her on the show. She���s a pediatrician, a mom, an executive ��� and she gets it.

Most women feel like failures���always feeling like they���re not doing enough, but so exhausted from their over-functioning that they have no more to give. Their go-to solution? To double down on doing more for everyone but themselves. The result? A vicious cycle of work harder, grow resentful, explode at the kids or partner (or even just internally), feel ashamed, and then work even harder to do more, driving themselves even further down the high-functioning nervous breakdown rabbit hole.��No wonder their health is suffering as a result.

Let me introduce you to Dr. Whitney Caseres. In her spare time, she���s writing a book for children about liking their body, she���s the podcast host of Modern Mommy Doc, and she���s making sure that she does a lot for all the moms out there who are struggling with that sense of overwhelm and failure. Her new book, Doing It All, is packed full ��� not of meaningless advice ��� but very practical steps to help parents make sure their actual priorities, aka their values, stay at the top.

Click�� HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 ��� with bonus product with your new subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast,��SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.��Subscribe��to��my website��and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you���d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click��here��and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled��Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order��here!��Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it���s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. By recording, you���re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I���ll look forward to hearing from you!

��

Are you going down the high-functioning nervous breakdown rabbit hole?

When I read these words, written by our guest on SelfWork today, I knew I wanted her on the show. She���s a pediatrician, a mom, an executive ��� and she gets it.

Most women feel like failures���always feeling like they���re not doing enough, but so exhausted from their over-functioning that they have no more to give. Their go-to solution? To double down on doing more for everyone but themselves. The result? A vicious cycle of work harder, grow resentful, explode at the kids or partner (or even just internally), feel ashamed, and then work even harder to do more, driving themselves even further down the high-functioning nervous breakdown rabbit hole.��No wonder their health is suffering as a result.

Let me introduce you to Dr. Whitney Caseres. In her spare time, she���s writing a book for children about liking their body, she���s the podcast host of Modern Mommy Doc, and she���s making sure that she does a lot for all the moms out there who are struggling with that sense of overwhelm and failure. Her new book, Doing It All, is packed full ��� not of meaningless advice ��� but very practical steps to help parents make sure their actual priorities, aka their values, stay at the top.

Click�� HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 ��� with bonus product with your new subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast,��SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.��Subscribe��to��my website��and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you���d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click��here��and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled��Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order��here!��Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it���s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. By recording, you���re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I���ll look forward to hearing from you!

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Today on SelfWork I���m answering questions about narcissism as well as frustration and even hopelessness about ever healing from the wounds that narcissists can cause. We���ll hear from one man whose dad he describes as extremely self-centered and emotionally abusive to both him and his mother. But asks if this is narcissism or not. Then there���s a very poignant voicemail from a woman who talked eloquently about her past relationships with two different types of narcissists, the first what she calls covert, the second malignant. I���ll describe those terms, so you���ll know what we���re talking about. But she described herself as feeling hopeless about her ability to trust anyone again.

What brought these stories together in my own mind was not only that the two stories were about narcissism. But how both listeners conveyed a sense of not knowing how to heal or which direction to go where their lives wouldn���t be so painfully affected by their narcissistic parent or ex-partner.

Duke Health proposes an acronym - SPECIAL ME

Article with Dr. Margaret's advice on dealing with narcissism:

Hormone Replacement Episode with Donna White

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer ��for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.��Subscribe��to��my website��and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you���d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click��here��and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression��is available��here!��Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There���s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You���ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you���re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I���ll look forward to hearing from you!

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Shame may be one of the most, if not the most, devastating feeling about yourself that you can have. I was interviewed this week by a Swedish journalist who asked me some probing questions about my own history with shame ��� as she���d read an article I wrote in Psychology Today on just that topic. Here���s the last paragraph of that article: The funny thing that shame does? It lies to you. It tells you that you're so terrible. And that you must be the worst of the worst. So, when you meet someone that you like, trust, or respect, and they tell you they understand and have lived what you're living? Gone through what you're going through?

Today we���re going to talk about just that. First how shame talks to you through an inner dialogue that���s always commenting and often criticizing you. Second, how shame lies to you. I���ll tell you the details of my own battle with shame. And how I learned to acknowledge the power of its lies. And third ��� how you can stop that from happening. Or at least become much more aware of when shame is yapping away at you. You can challenge it and even turn down its volume so you can make decisions free from shame���s voice.

Here���s a hint ��� you want to challenge it. You choose to believe differently about yourself. That becomes your innermost desire ��� and the freedom you can find is astounding!

The listener voicemail today is from an older mom who says to me, ���I just don���t want to carry the pain of disconnection.��� She realizes in a very poignant way that her pain and depression has to do with being the youngest child of 12 in her family��but now doesn���t feel connected to her grown children ���except when they need something.��� We���ll tackle what she might can do to feel the connection she yearns for ��� and my answer may surprise you.

My own Psychology Today article on shame's lies to me and how I overcame them.

Click�� HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 ��� with bonus product with your new subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast,��SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford.��Subscribe��to��my website��and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you���d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click��here��and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled��Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order��here!��Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it���s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. By recording, you���re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I���ll look forward to hearing from you!

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