Jessaca Willis's Blog - Posts Tagged "october"
The Dark Truth Behind Why I'm Obsessed with Halloween
"What's with your love of Halloween?"
I get asked this question a lot but I rarely answer it honestly. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because of bad timing. Maybe's it's because I'm worried to share something that deep? Maybe it's just because I work so hard this time of year to be happy that I don't want to risk opening up that wound.
Fair warning, this is not a happy story.
This year is different though. This year, I think it's finally time for me to be honest with myself and those around me.
In 2014, I was living with two roommates in my first apartment ever, and I wanted to do something special, something memorable, so I decided to throw a Halloween party. Anyone who knows me though, knows that I don't half-ass things—I went all out for this thing! I decorated the entire kitchen in black lights and glowing blood and set it up like a butcher scenery with a table full of themed-treats, sweets, and munchies. The living room was blacked out with hanging sheets of black fabric (boy that was a pretty penny...) and decorated like a tomb or a crypt, with a handmaid skeleton-in-stalks prop, more black lights, and tons and tons of spiderweb. The hallway/stairs was also all done up, with more cobwebs and a dozen candles and ghost wall-clings, leading our guests into the bathroom, which, as you can probably guess, was also decorated from ceiling to the floor.
It took me an entire week to pull off, but by the time the day came, I was so proud of myself!
The day after our party, as I nursed one of the worst hangovers I've ever had, I found my cat dozing in the closet. I realized it was the fourth day in a row I'd seen her in that very same spot. It was then that I also realized that I hadn't filled her food dish or water dish in days—not because I'd forgotten, but because there was still food and water in it, meaning she hadn't touched it.
I can't describe the guilt I felt in that moment for being so caught up in that stupid party to even notice that my cat hadn't eaten, let alone moved in days.
I rushed her to the vet that very moment and it was then that we learned she had kidney disease. She passed away five months later.
I, of course, blamed myself even though I knew logically that this was likely a disease she'd had for years that was only just then exhibiting side effects. Regardless of how long she'd actually been ill before I noticed, mostly I couldn't forgive myself for letting her pain and suffering go on so long without me noticing. I was so ashamed and devastated.
By the time the next Halloween rolled around though, I knew I would do nothing but spend the entire month distraught and depressed, so I decided to give myself a little distraction. This is when Halloctober was born. That year, I created a calendar and scheduled myself to do one festive activity every day all month long. Sometimes it was little things like painting my nails, other times it was watching classic horror movies, or going to haunted houses. All that mattered was that I was keeping myself busy rather than moping about all month long—for me personally, I believe that our loved ones deserve better than seeing us like that...wherever they may be.
To my surprise, I actually wound up having fun that month, like, the most fun I'd had all year. At first, that happiness made me feel guilty again but then I realized, what better month and holiday than Halloween—the day we honor the dead—to celebrate the holiday every day of the month.
Halloctober became a tradition for me after that. Every year it got a little easier and it made me feel a little more connected to my late cat (my childhood pet). Every year I looked forward to it more and more because of the significance the month started to hold for me.
Then, in October 2017, my other cat died of kidney disease and I miscarried my first pregnancy. If I thought I'd known devastation and guilt before then, I was so sorely mistaken. These two events nearly knocked me into permanent darkness. I lost the will to "celebrate" Halloctober because all I wanted was to join my deceased loved ones.
But, skipping Halloctober that year wasn't an option for me. You see, we had already been celebrating it all month with my partner's daughter, so she was expecting the festivities, the games, the fun. I had to push through, and thanks to my partner, I was able to.
After that October though, I wasn't sure if I'd be celebrating Halloctober again. I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to. The month was starting to represent too much pain and loss for me to find it within myself to be happy.
But then, I found out I was pregnant again. I was faced with a decision: what traditions did I want to impart on my children. I reflected on the past year, on the joy the month had brought my partner's daughter, and thought about how much joy it could continue to bring our new child and our family. With that in mind, it wasn't a difficult decision to make.
But life likes throwing you curve balls. The next October (2018), my brother's dog died of a sudden illness. HIs dog, much like my two cats, had been like children to the both of us, so his loss was just as heartbreaking as all of the others. But, there was something fitting about it too. I found a sort of bizarre, cold comfort in knowing that all of our pets had chosen this month to depart (or start their departure). It was like they wanted to leave when they knew we'd still have good things to celebrate.
A week later, I had my son, born on the same day that my second cat had passed, turning what would've been a day of mourning into a day of life and celebration.
This year, I chose to celebrate Halloctober not only to fortify the tradition with my growing nuclear family, but because it is important to me to remember those I've lost. Every time I do an activity this month, I think about my two cats, my brother's dog, my unborn child, and how much joy they brought me, and I'm thankful that now, because of them, I now have a family tradition that my children enjoy, something that makes them unique.
I wanted to write this post because today is Halloween and it is the first Halloween I've worked since before 2014. I usually take the day off because, as you can imagine, this day can be quite the rollercoaster for me, and today has already proven to be challenging. But my hope is that by getting some of this off my chest that I can enter the afternoon and evening feeling a little more centered and grounded, reminded of the importance of the day, and that although some of my loved ones are no longer physically here, they are always in my heart.
I get asked this question a lot but I rarely answer it honestly. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because of bad timing. Maybe's it's because I'm worried to share something that deep? Maybe it's just because I work so hard this time of year to be happy that I don't want to risk opening up that wound.
Fair warning, this is not a happy story.
This year is different though. This year, I think it's finally time for me to be honest with myself and those around me.
In 2014, I was living with two roommates in my first apartment ever, and I wanted to do something special, something memorable, so I decided to throw a Halloween party. Anyone who knows me though, knows that I don't half-ass things—I went all out for this thing! I decorated the entire kitchen in black lights and glowing blood and set it up like a butcher scenery with a table full of themed-treats, sweets, and munchies. The living room was blacked out with hanging sheets of black fabric (boy that was a pretty penny...) and decorated like a tomb or a crypt, with a handmaid skeleton-in-stalks prop, more black lights, and tons and tons of spiderweb. The hallway/stairs was also all done up, with more cobwebs and a dozen candles and ghost wall-clings, leading our guests into the bathroom, which, as you can probably guess, was also decorated from ceiling to the floor.
It took me an entire week to pull off, but by the time the day came, I was so proud of myself!
The day after our party, as I nursed one of the worst hangovers I've ever had, I found my cat dozing in the closet. I realized it was the fourth day in a row I'd seen her in that very same spot. It was then that I also realized that I hadn't filled her food dish or water dish in days—not because I'd forgotten, but because there was still food and water in it, meaning she hadn't touched it.
I can't describe the guilt I felt in that moment for being so caught up in that stupid party to even notice that my cat hadn't eaten, let alone moved in days.
I rushed her to the vet that very moment and it was then that we learned she had kidney disease. She passed away five months later.
I, of course, blamed myself even though I knew logically that this was likely a disease she'd had for years that was only just then exhibiting side effects. Regardless of how long she'd actually been ill before I noticed, mostly I couldn't forgive myself for letting her pain and suffering go on so long without me noticing. I was so ashamed and devastated.
By the time the next Halloween rolled around though, I knew I would do nothing but spend the entire month distraught and depressed, so I decided to give myself a little distraction. This is when Halloctober was born. That year, I created a calendar and scheduled myself to do one festive activity every day all month long. Sometimes it was little things like painting my nails, other times it was watching classic horror movies, or going to haunted houses. All that mattered was that I was keeping myself busy rather than moping about all month long—for me personally, I believe that our loved ones deserve better than seeing us like that...wherever they may be.
To my surprise, I actually wound up having fun that month, like, the most fun I'd had all year. At first, that happiness made me feel guilty again but then I realized, what better month and holiday than Halloween—the day we honor the dead—to celebrate the holiday every day of the month.
Halloctober became a tradition for me after that. Every year it got a little easier and it made me feel a little more connected to my late cat (my childhood pet). Every year I looked forward to it more and more because of the significance the month started to hold for me.
Then, in October 2017, my other cat died of kidney disease and I miscarried my first pregnancy. If I thought I'd known devastation and guilt before then, I was so sorely mistaken. These two events nearly knocked me into permanent darkness. I lost the will to "celebrate" Halloctober because all I wanted was to join my deceased loved ones.
But, skipping Halloctober that year wasn't an option for me. You see, we had already been celebrating it all month with my partner's daughter, so she was expecting the festivities, the games, the fun. I had to push through, and thanks to my partner, I was able to.
After that October though, I wasn't sure if I'd be celebrating Halloctober again. I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to. The month was starting to represent too much pain and loss for me to find it within myself to be happy.
But then, I found out I was pregnant again. I was faced with a decision: what traditions did I want to impart on my children. I reflected on the past year, on the joy the month had brought my partner's daughter, and thought about how much joy it could continue to bring our new child and our family. With that in mind, it wasn't a difficult decision to make.
But life likes throwing you curve balls. The next October (2018), my brother's dog died of a sudden illness. HIs dog, much like my two cats, had been like children to the both of us, so his loss was just as heartbreaking as all of the others. But, there was something fitting about it too. I found a sort of bizarre, cold comfort in knowing that all of our pets had chosen this month to depart (or start their departure). It was like they wanted to leave when they knew we'd still have good things to celebrate.
A week later, I had my son, born on the same day that my second cat had passed, turning what would've been a day of mourning into a day of life and celebration.
This year, I chose to celebrate Halloctober not only to fortify the tradition with my growing nuclear family, but because it is important to me to remember those I've lost. Every time I do an activity this month, I think about my two cats, my brother's dog, my unborn child, and how much joy they brought me, and I'm thankful that now, because of them, I now have a family tradition that my children enjoy, something that makes them unique.
I wanted to write this post because today is Halloween and it is the first Halloween I've worked since before 2014. I usually take the day off because, as you can imagine, this day can be quite the rollercoaster for me, and today has already proven to be challenging. But my hope is that by getting some of this off my chest that I can enter the afternoon and evening feeling a little more centered and grounded, reminded of the importance of the day, and that although some of my loved ones are no longer physically here, they are always in my heart.
