Wilson Belshaw's Blog
December 28, 2020
Zelenka Stubfinger
Names: Zelehn-Kha (Zelenka) Stubfinger
Species: Elf
Age: 52
Job: Press jockey / wine enthusiast / win-at-all-coster
Appears In: Game of Plagues
The expression you pull when your boss is an idiot but your job is selling him to the public he's inadvertently murdering (see more at Instagram)
The job of a prime minister's press jockey is to sell them to the media no matter how incompetent they seem - no matter how clueless - no matter how downright evil, even. Boronymous Jubbly makes Zelenka's job difficult by being all three at once.
What makes Zelenka well-suited to pushing this blathering horrorshow on to an undeserving public is that she really doesn't care. She'd actually push someone much worse onto a public far more undeserving for significantly less money*. For her it's about winning. If that means everyone else loses, so be it.
* This isn't to say she'd take a paycut, of course. Charging a lot of money is how rich people understand people's worth. That's why useless business wankers keep getting jobs - because they're judged by how much they earn rather than how much they achieve.
You can buy Game of Plagues in eBook or paperback by clicking this linkCreation Notes
Boris Johnson's actual spin doctor Lee Cain is a former journalist who worked for The Mirror*. He achieved notoriety by stalking David Cameron while dressed as a chicken - a risky move given the former PM's alleged proclivities towards farm animals.
Zelenka isn't based on him, as beyond that tidbit nothing about him stood out. I also wanted to put a female character in with the 'bad guys'. I could have gender-swapped one of the other baddies, but they're all based on real life scumbags, and it can raise weird questions if you satirise someone monstrous and make them another gender. That or it makes it seem like you aimed to do something clever and failed.
Believe me - very little cleverness went into this book.
*He's also at this point Johnson's ex-spin doctor. He will be missed. Not by anyone who isn't terrible, obviously, but still.
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December 23, 2020
Ampelmanns
The faer known as ampelmanns most commonly work as traffic signals. You'll see them all over - hanging above roads and changing colour to indicate when traffic can:
GO!STOP!GO AND/OR STOP- OH GODS HIT THE BREAKS!
Ampelmanns by Zuza Gruzlewska
Many people dislike ampelmanns because they seem to enjoy their work. The globular faer will often be seen smirking when stopping a driver who almost made it. Some suspect that ampelmanns in quieter parts will change early just to inconvenience people. It doesn't help that they snigger when drivers yell this at them.
Ampelmanns don't only work as traffic lights - they basically show up anywhere you'd need a light to indicate something is in one state or another. You also see them on the roofs of police carriages in pairs - alternating between red and blue while the siren below them goes:
"WOOOOOOOOOOO-WOOOOOOOOOOO"
You can buy Game of Plagues in eBook or paperback by clicking this linkAmpelmanns Facts
You can download The Quest Factor for free from several retailers. You can buy it in paperback at AmazonCreation Notes
These guys are based on traffic lights, obviously, but the name comes from 'Ampelmännchen' - or 'little traffic light man'. This is the German word for traffic signals, but it gained significance because they had a unique design in East Germany.
East German Ampelmännchen
There's nothing particularly East German about the ampelmanns, I just thought it would be cool to give a nod to another personified traffic system. Saying that, now that I think about it the ampelmanns in the book do have a tendency to rat people out, so I suppose that makes them a lot like...
...the Stasi...
So I've inadvertently taken a beloved East German symbol and made it more like a hated East German institution.
Sorry, I guess?
I basically just wanted to personify traffic lights in a way that's closer to how people view them when they get stopped!
My original ampelmanns - I did all three because I realised you could change the hue using computers! (see more at Instagram)
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December 21, 2020
Wemon
Names: Wemon
Species: Devil
Age: ∞
Job: Fiend / torturer / dolt
Appears In: Game of Plagues
You may laugh at the pitchspork, but don't forget it's still a stick with three knives at the end (see more at Instagram)
Wemon numbers among the countless devils that infest the hells of the Nezherealm. Unlike many he's a somewhat minuscule and tragic figure. The other devils only keep him around because they like beating him up. As Wemon sticks with them, he presumably derives some degree of pleasure from this arrangement.
Devils like Wemon are essentially the worker bees of high level fiends like The Devil. Far nastier entities lurk in the Nezherealm, but your devils are the ones with the competence to carry out all the:
At least most of them are, anyway. As mentioned, Wemon just kind of tags along and gets assaulted every so often for making bad jokes.
You can buy Game of Plagues in eBook or paperback by clicking this linkCreation Notes
I didn't have any plan for the Wemon character when I started writing the scene he first appears in - he just kind of wriggled his way in. Felt pretty pleased with the name 'Wemon' for a wimpy demon, anyway!
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December 16, 2020
Düm Leavings
Names: Düm Irkwell Leavings
Species: Goblin
Age: 48
Job: Advice warlock / culture warrior / career arsehole
Appears In: Game of Plagues
The tell-tale look of an unelected advice warlock (see more at Instagram)
The goblin's first name rhymes with 'boom', 'gloom', and 'doom'. Düm got into politics because it's the only area in which a person can legally practice warlockry. This school of magick involves communion with fiends - said entities being the pure incarnation of evil. Given that, it's no mystery that such a practice would find itself prohibited.
While no one questions politicians' relationship with the infernal, they really should do. At this point in history everyone just excepts them to rub shoulders with entities that have more shoulders than morals and more fangs than that. The politicians themselves say that sensible governance requires people who aren't afraid to mingle with the dreadful. That's total unicorn shit, of course, but as most politicians dabble, voters don't have a choice.
Düm started off working for smaller politicians - summoning familiars and horrors that could do their dark bidding. While most warlocks enjoy nothing more than engaging in their sinister hobby, Düm wanted to upend the political order entirely. He had no idea what he'd upend it too, but he did enjoy upending things.
The story of Game of Plagues is what happens when an insatiable turd meets an un-upendable problem.
You can buy Game of Plagues in eBook or paperback by clicking this linkCreation Notes
If you're familiar with the UK coronavirus situation, undoubtedly you're aware of Dominic Cummings - Boris Johnson's very own advice warlock*. Cummings has spearheaded most of Johnson's dreadful drives, although I think there's a tendency to forget that most of his aims are well within what Tories want (i.e. any Conservative government would be roughly this woeful).
This sort of thinking can become a problem as there's a tendency for the media to give the impression that a sitting government might be overall basically neutral if not for the influence of the chief adviser - so 'Rasputin syndrome'. In the book I tried to avoid having him be the true evil behind the power - more just the side-evil behind the other-evil - although I'm not sure how well I pulled that off!
I actually found it pretty difficult writing Düm as a character. Boronymous Jubbly had a very defined character to riff on, and someone like Slurdoch allowed me to default to 'evil Australian', but what's Dominic Cummings' personality?
It feels like he has one, but then you think about it, and you've no idea. We've all heard of his grand schemes - we're all used to his oily face - but when you see him speaking, there's just nothing there:
In lieu of a personality, I made him hiss and shout a lot while wearing a cowl that obscured his face. So in that sense he's very much like the real man - just a hostile nobody at the centre of chaos.
*Cummings stepped down between starting this blog post and publishing it. This is why only idiots like me write political satires of this nature - because they're inevitably out of date by the time you hit publish. Should have just done a TikTok FFS.
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December 14, 2020
Beefnippers
For time immemorial, the Tower of Leaden has maintained a regiment of beefnippers to protect it. To fulfil this role they exclusively hire the bird people known as roaks. They call them 'beef nippers' because each guard carries a hunk of meat in their top pocket. Historically this compensated for their lack of dinner breaks; the tradition persists because roaks like a little gristle to keep themselves lively.
Beefnipper by Zuza Gruzlewska
In days gone by, beefnippers primarily acted as guards. While they still offer protection, their day-to-day now involves:
Relationship with Cragpies
One of the tree-like cragpies that live at the Tower of LeadenCragpies are one of the monsters that have learned to live alongside people - something they do by limiting themselves to only eating weekend binge drinkers. What many don't know, however, is that this all began at the Tower of Leaden.
It started when King Hangry VIII took a shine to the horrible bird-things - particularly enjoying the way they gouged the peasants he loved agonising. Hangry already had a significant torture chamber at the Tower, and the cragpies added to this. With a steady supply of squeals on tap, the monsters became as tame as monsters can be. Eventually some flew the coop, and these vaguely-tame horrors have spread ever since.
While urban cragpies remain somewhat of a nuisance, the beefnippers have bred an impressive level of docility into the ones they oversee. This means they won't eat people at all unless instructed to. In general this sees the beefnippers allowing them to eat the odd child to keep rowdy school groups in check. Children love seeing this so much it's actually become the main attraction. Sometimes they'll fight over who gets the privilege of being devoured.
You can buy Game of Plagues in eBook or paperback by clicking this linkBeefnipper Facts
You can download The Quest Factor for free from several retailers. You can buy it in paperback at AmazonCreation Notes
Pretty simple genesis on these lads:
In my extensive Wikipedia research, I uncovered the following fact, which is possibly one of the funniest things I've ever read on the English:
The name Beefeater is of uncertain origin, with various proposed derivations. The term was common as early as the 17th century as a slang term for the English in general.
Having lived around English people all my life, I can confirm this is 100% what they're like - although many of them have moved on to gammon in the past few years.
My original beefnipper holding the Plundery Jack (see more at Instagram)
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December 9, 2020
Buerks
The Nezherealm is host to some of the most pants-wetting horror-bastards imaginable. It's also home to buerks - fiends which combine the heads of lions with the goat legs of preposterousness.
Buerk by Zuza Gruzlewska
Fiends came into existence when the Plane of Faeriala probed at the nightmares of mortal kind and mirrored what it saw. While most nightmares are terrifying, horrible, or unfathomable, others are just weird - in some instances weird and stupid. Buerks may be the greatest living example of that.
Fiends only come into existence when a nightmare is prevalent enough that the image of such a horror becomes manifest in society's wider consciousness. This means that multiple people dreamed about something like this on the regular.
Buerks move as you'd imagine - by cartwheeling on their clippety-cloppety goat legs. This makes eating difficult as their faces point in a different direction to their plane of locomotion. When they catch up to a foe, they actually have to pivot and start hopping at them. It truly is pathetic. The dumbest, most incredulous thing you've ever seen.
When encountered in one of the many hells that comprise the Nezherealm, buerks will spread misery by cartwheeling into a person and giving them a kicking. Thanks to their ridiculous form, this will often see them bouncing all over the place. They become most problematic when a warlock casts 'summon fiends' and they randomly end up with several of these things by accident.
You can buy Game of Plagues in eBook or paperback by clicking this linkCreature Facts
You can download The Quest Factor for free from several retailers. You can buy it in paperback at AmazonCreation Notes
These guys are based on a real life demon called 'Buer' from a 16th century grimoire called Pseudomonarchia Daemonum. While the 16th century undoubtedly produced the infernalest grimoires, you have to admit that old Buer looks a little... woeful?
Goat big or goat homeHere's the Wikipedia entry:
Buer is a spirit that appears in the 16th-century grimoire Pseudomonarchia Daemonum and its derivatives, where he is described as a Great President of Hell, having fifty legions of demons under his command. He appears when the Sun is in Sagittarius. Like Chiron, the chief centaur of Greek mythology, he teaches natural and moral philosophy, logic, and the virtues of all herbs and plants, and is also capable of healing all infirmities (especially of men) and bestows good familiars.
He has been described as being in the shape of Sagittarius, which is as a centaur with a bow and arrows. Additionally, Louis Le Breton created an illustration of Buer, later engraved by M. Jarrault, depicting the demon as having the head of a lion and five goat legs surrounding his body to walk in every direction.
In my first draft of Game of Plagues the Düm Leavings summoned some fiends that were just terrible. I called them 'pinchogols', but they didn't have much personality. Thinking about it, I can barely even recall what they looked like - think they were just facehugger rip-offs but boring.
On the second draft I remembered reading about Buer. I'd not considered it when I first saw him, but if Buer manifested, clearly he would prove the most ridiculous thing you'd ever seen.
I changed the name from 'Buer' to 'buerk' because I already had 'mæres' and they sounded to similar. As a bonus, 'buerk' sounds like 'berk' - an English insult that means 'stupid person' or 'nob'.
For my original design I basically just traced Buer's legs and then found the most constipated-looking lion I could:
"RAORW!?" - See more at Instagram
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December 7, 2020
Scamson the sorcerer
Names: Scamson
Species: Sorcerer
Age: ∞
Job: Service privatiser / society worsener / living beard
Appears In: Game of Plagues
The face of a ruthless, immortal billionaire you can trust (see more at Instagram)
Scamson the sorcerer is famous for his promise to:
Run public services more efficiently while still making a profit.
Even in a world of magick, no one has ever believed this. How would it even work? Nobody could say, and as you'd expect he actually made services significantly less efficient yet monstrously more costly.
In Pundlia Scamson is responsible for running (among others):
The 'innovations' Scamson has introduced to 'improve' these services include:
Replacing the libraries with carriage parks.Paying cabin crews very little money and occasionally abandoning them offrealm.Introducing variable gravity to cram passengers onto the ceiling.Replacing the five food groups with the five 'gruel' groups.
His ventures have made Scamson something of a loathed public figure. This might actually work in his favour if his plan to privatise loathing gets off the ground.
You can buy Game of Plagues in eBook or paperback by clicking this linkCreation Notes
Scamson was largely inspired by Richard Branson - that grievously bearded rat who's been sinking his fingers into the NHS. He actually sued it at one point - something his company had the sense to regret and now deny ever happened.
It's bad enough when these scumbags bought the railways and energy providers, but when you're profiting from the NHS you're taking money that should be saving lives - killing people, in other words - and all because having billions more than you could spend in ten lifetimes isn't enough somehow.
Christ!
Obviously it would be wrong to say we should nationalise Virgin Galactic and use its rockets to blast Branson into space, but only because that would be construed as a threat. Still, though, it would be a lot less criminal than what his businesses get away with on a daily basis.
In the book Scamson has the sort of personality that you'd describe as 'smug, shit-eating creep' or 'smarmy, rat-hearted cheese-head' - so basically just like the real guy.
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December 2, 2020
Sirens
Sirens are a common type of faer that are very good at making NOISE. These entities prove essential in that regard, as not only will they make most sounds imaginable, they can also make them at VOLUME.
Siren by Zuza Gruzlewska
People encounter sirens all over the place. Most households have at least one in case its residents need warning of fire; businesses and public places can have hundreds. You'll generally find them hanging upside down from hooks in the ceiling.
When sentient kind first encountered sirens, the faer lured unsuspecting travellers into their lair with haunting melodies. Once they had sailors where they wanted them, the sirens attempted to charge said travellers - offering to recite a song of their choosing if they'd prefer.
In the modern era, people realised sirens can emulate pretty much any sound imaginable making them the noise-blasters of choice.
You can buy Game of Plagues in eBook or paperback by clicking this linkSiren Facts
You can download The Quest Factor for free from several retailers. You can buy it in paperback at AmazonCreation Notes
Pretty straightforward this one - ancient 'sirens' were a type of singing, Greek bird-thing and modern 'sirens' are a variety of noise-making contraption. Basically I split the difference and drew a cross between a goose and an airhorn:
"MAHNA MAHNA!" - See more at Instagram
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November 25, 2020
Iris Stubfinger
Names: Iris Pebbles Stubfinger
Species: Dwarf
Age: 24
Job: Junior healer / health activist / zombie thwarter
Appears In: Game of Plagues
"Yeah, I know how to cure zombies." (see more at Instagram)
Iris's father is a tabloid editor and her mother the prime minister's press jockey. Despite this, she grew up giving a damn about other people. Her parents don't know how this happened, but they blame modern culture and/or soy milk.
Growing up, Iris went to the best private schools - the ones which coincidentally had all the worst people. To be fair, many of these turds would have been perfectly ordinary people if they'd gone to less prestigious venues of education. As things stood, most ended up working in murky fields like politics, corporate journalism, and offrealm banking.
Despite her parents' protests, Iris became what she'd always dreamed of - a healer - the sort of wizard who can un-break broken legs and reattach severed bits. Unfortunately for her, successive governments had a real love/hate relationship with the Universal Healers Service. What this means is they hated its existence but loved depriving it of money.
Like many healers, Iris warned whoever would listen that the UHS wouldn't cope if it found itself facing anything more malignant than the sniffles. Her warnings went unheeded right up until the ZINTER-19 plague hit.
You can buy Game of Plagues in eBook or paperback by clicking this linkCreation Notes
The name Iris means 'rainbow' - rainbows being the flag of LGBTQI+ people and the symbol of health workers (at least during the UK pandemic, anyway) . I gave her the name solely for the latter initially, but that changed when I wrote a scene with her and Ayesha and felt them vibing. This relationship went on to be a central part of the book.
Having a lockdown relationship allowed me to think about how a pandemic affects people dating, although at the same time I did largely side-step that by having them immediately move in together. This proved necessary as I needed the pair to actually do stuff together. I could have had them flout the lockdown, of course, but then it would have read like an anti-science screed, and there's enough of that in the papers.
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November 23, 2020
Banqoloths
If you've attended a lavish bash on Tumultia, you undoubtedly will have seen a banqoloth. These shaggy snack servers have six arms each and will hang from the ceiling offering out champagne and vol-au-vents. If you've not attended such a shindig, why are you even reading this? This is a fancy site for fancy people. Be gone, oik, be gone!
Banqoloth by Zuza Gruzlewska
Like all faer, banqoloths work in exchange for mana. Unlike most, they charge an exorbitant amount. This isn't because they provide a better service; it's more that rich people like to flaunt their wealth, and this opens the door to vendors who charge a great deal for otherwise ordinary work.
Beyond their ability to dish out hors d'oeuvres, banqoloths have the strength and extremities needed to carry away drunks at the end of the evening. Sloshed CEOs and aristocrats claim banqoloths have the softest grip, making them the option of choice when a person needs dragging away from a fist fight or having their hair held back during vomiting.
You can buy Game of Plagues in eBook or paperback by clicking this linkBanqoloth Facts
You can download The Quest Factor for free from several retailers. You can buy it in paperback at AmazonCreation Notes
I drew the banqoloth a while ago and had it in my back pocket waiting for a banquet to come up. Why I drew one, I don't remember. Possibly I came up with the name 'banqoloth' and decided it sounded like 'banquet sloth'?
Potentially it came to me in a dream?
Probably I got bored and started drawing.
"Vol-au-vents, monsieur?" See more at Instagram
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