Gillian Harvey's Blog

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Sorry to anyone who remembers Europe's 'The Final Countdown' and now has an ear-worm.

But I am standing on a precipice and thought I'd share with you what this feels like.

I'm about to launch book number 2 (Thursday - eek) and my current mood can only be described in oxymorons: ecstatic terror or composed jitteriness. In short, I'm all over the blummin place.

The part of me that feels relatively calm (my head) cannot fool the part of me that's undeniably nervous (my body). The feeling is a bit like the one you get when you're a kid just before your birthday, or as an adult just before a job interview. Wibbly, wobbly, jittery. Happy, with occasional attacks of anxiety. Hopeful and fearful all at once. A complete and utter nightmare to live with.

I'll be honest. I'm a control freak. So sending something as precious as my novel out in to the world and being UNABLE TO CONTROL the outcome is nothing short of terrifying. (Worse, on some, primitive level my body still believes that if I clench my buttocks and any other random muscles hard enough I can will my book to do well. The upside? At least I'll be a bit more toned come summer. The down? I'm more than a little bit tense.)

It all starts on Monday, where I'm starting my Author of the Week slot in a lovely Facebook group. Other highlights include Wednesday when I'm getting my hair done (YAY), then doing a live chat with a book group, and later launching my novel with the help of three other writers through a gorgeous little indie bookshop (online, but the closest I'm going to get to a UK shop from France). Then on ACTUAL RELEASE DAY I'm going on Instagram and chatting to the fabulous Lindsey Kelk.

I've also got a blog tour with some really fab book bloggers running from 13th to 23rd, and lots of other little things popping up here and there. It's going to be exciting. It's going to be exhausting. It's going to be... well, I hope it might even be FUN.

I am lucky. I am so, so lucky to be in this position. I never really thought I'd get here. And I want to enjoy the experience of launching, with all its ups and downs. I'm looking over the edge of the cliff and trying to imagine calm, blue oceans to dive into. And if not, a lifeboat hovering nearby. I'm determined not to ruin this for myself by over-stressing, and reminding myself that whatever happens, I've got this far.

And that, without anything more, is a dream come true.

Before I had my first book published, I had a vague idea what 'life as an author' would be like. It involved real-life readings in bookshops (thanks, Covid), sitting in cafes, scribbling notes (thanks, Covid) and coming up with brilliant ideas for the next book (can I blame Covid for the fact they've dried up a bit too?).

What it didn't involve was self-promotion. Yet, especially for newbie authors, this is something that may form a huge part of the author experience. I'm not talking about interviews arranged by your publisher (a pleasure), or doing readings or events online (fun!). I'm talking about the posting about and talking about your novel on social media yourself. The thinking about what to do and when, deciding between opportunities and trying to work out what works and what doesn't.

Of course, I'd seen authors posting about their books. But from the outside, I always imagined they were simply sharing something because they fancied doing so, or were pleased with a review, or wanted their legions of fans kept in the loop. I saw it as something that might happen naturally from time to time, rather than something that most authors need to do to reach new readers.

Instead, I've discovered that a big part of gaining visibility for new authors is by interacting with would-be readers online. And you know what? I've found I quite enjoy it at times. It never gets boring to learn that someone is reading your book, or has reviewed it or (jackpot) LOVES IT.

What I struggle with is my own posts - I enjoy messing about on Canva and creating shareables and even book trailers, but when I'm done and poised over the 'post' button, I can't help but wonder whether I'm getting it wrong.

Am I posting enough? Too much? Are people rolling their eyes, or do they genuinely enjoy my updates? Am I coming across as too modest? Too self-serving? Too needy? Am I clogging up people's timelines or are they still unaware that I've written a book at all?

And don't get me started on vlogs. Should I put my face on or risk scaring off viewers with my natural look? What have I got to talk about that's interesting? Who actually wants to know what I had for lunch?

There's no real answer. And I have no real strategy. Which means I veer between not talking about something AT ALL, to going a bit mad and probably sounding self-obsessed. I see another author tweet a review and think "I should do that." But the minute I tweet one wonder "am I overdoing it?"

Talking to other authors, we're pretty much all in the same boat. Many of us are self-conscious by nature and don't like the idea of plugging our own projects - but at the same time all-too-aware that in this overcrowded market it's easy to remain completely invisible.

As I begin to 'ramp up' the posts on my upcoming novel 'Perfect on Paper' (available to pre-order NOW (see what I did there)) the only thing I know is that I'm doing a better job than last time. When 'Everything is Fine' (available to purchase NOW) was published I didn't have a Facebook author page, and had two photos on Instagram which I'd uploaded a couple of years earlier. Over time, I've developed more understanding about how these platforms work, and am trying to use them positively to connect with people in every way, as well as use them to interact with readers.

I enjoy Twitter and always have, and am starting to understand that it doesn't matter if I think my nose is too big - people are still happy to interact with me in the 'gram. And I'm trying to highlight my book (which I'm proud of) (Did I mention it's available to pre-order NOW?) here and there, and hoping beyond hope that I'm coming across in a genuine way.

When I first snagged an agent in October 2018, I waited eagerly for the offer of publication that would surely follow. That's how it works, right?

In the end, it took a good three months before a deal was finalised on 'Everything is Fine' - and speaking to other agented authors I've found that this was a pretty quick turnaround. Some end up shelving one book and writing another before catching an editor's eye. No matter how good you are, there's still an element of good timing and good luck when it comes to getting signed up.

The problem is, having waited so long to clear one hurdle, it feels almost impossible that you then have to wait. Again.

After six weeks or so of inbox-refreshing, I began to get used to the idea that things weren't going to be quick. In fact, my old doubts resurfaced and I began to assume that it just wasn't going to happen this time, for this book. Or maybe at all. That maybe my agent was regretting signing me in the first place.

I like to stay positive, like that.

I tried to take action, digging out a previous manuscript that had been in a drawer for a while to see if I could pimp it up. I thought of a few new ideas.

Eventually, I got on with life and instead of thinking about it 24/7 reduced my nail-biting hours of angst to around 20/7, maybe 19 on a good day.

Then an innocuous email arrived in my inbox. But as my agent, Ger, had been emailing me fairly regularly about this and that, when I clicked on the email that would change my life, I had no expectation that it would be anything other than a brief update.

Instead, my agent told me that I'd had an offer. Adrenaline rushed through me and before I'd read the whole thing I was off my chair, rushing to my husband Ray and gabbling that I'd got a book deal.

Revisiting the email with him minutes later I found that my agent had written back to negotiate on a few points with the publisher.

Nooo! I could literally have screamed. What on earth was she thinking of? I would have pretty much signed anything just to make that offer a pinned-down reality.

In fact, if someone had asked me to sign over my first-born in order to keep the publisher sweet, I may have considered it. They could definitely have had the cat. (This, I realise, is why writers like me NEED an agent.

After all, I'm quite fond of the cat.)

In the strange, excited but terrified limbo I was left in, I did what I always do when I get good news (so at least once a decade or so) and rang my mum. Who didn't pick up. I rang my sister, who also wasn't available. I rang my little brother and gibbered to him down the phone. He was thrilled for me but had to get back to work.

And I was left, back on the email refreshing, for about two weeks while missives went back and forth, agreeing clauses and advances and other important but time-hungry things. Just when things were agreed, guess what happened?

Bloody Christmas.

Finally in January 2019, I signed and began to count the days down to the proposed pub date of May 2020 (yep, I was waiting for 2020...)

Now, I'm eagerly awaiting my US debut this month, then it's on to May when Novel no.2 will hit the (hopefully virus free) shelves.

People sometimes ask me about the challenges that come with being a writer.

I'm pretty sure they're thinking about ideas and writing time and rejection and acceptance and editing and interviews and (cringe) trying to take an author shot where I don't look either insane or too much like my mother.

But the main challenge for me is the bit that comes between those things.

The excess wait.

Those of you who've read my columns and articles over the years (hey mum and dad!) will not be shocked to learn that I suffer from anxiety and depression from time to time.

When I say "from time to time," I mean relentlessly, painfully, cripplingly for years and years, until about 2017, when I managed to break free and become the positive ray of sunshine* I am now.

I've been proud of myself over 2020, when things seemed about as bleak as they could get, that I've managed to hold it together and stay in a relatively positive mindset.

Like most of us though, I'm exhausted now.

I haven't gone downhill, not properly. Not in the life-shattering way I'm capable of. When it comes to this kind of thing, I don't do things by halves.

I work hard to stay in a positive mindset, to keep myself in the moment. To try not to let things get to me in the way they used to.

And I'm OK.

Over the past couple of weeks, though, I feel exhausted with the effort of it all. I don't think I'm alone. I feel as if in 2020 someone left the tap on, and drip by drip our hope disappeared. We thought we were OK. But 9 months into the pandemic, many of us are feeling depleted and down.

For me, this time, it's come out as feeling as if I'm constantly getting it wrong. That people don't particularly like me. I've been misreading emails and misinterpreting social media posts. I think the lack of 'real life' company hasn't helped.

So over the next couple of weeks I'm going to work hard on myself. Eat properly. Sleep properly. Smile properly. Try to find the tiny sparkles of hope amongst the gloom. I'm going to celebrate the fact that my paperback is coming out (in a muted fashion) in the US. Try to be positive about the future.

I suppose what I'm saying is that maybe we all need to up the self-care to get us through the next bit. Whether it's the boredom, loneliness or worse we're battling, we need to find a way to keep going anyway.

Weirdly, having this down side to my personality helps with my writing sometimes. For me, my sense of humour comes from my ability to catastrophise - to see the ridiculous in the terrible and find a way to relate that to the reader. So it's not all bad. See - look at me, accentuating the positive...!

And as the saying goes "this too shall pass" - I just wish it would hurry the f*ck up.

*miserable old cow

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It's usually this time of year that we start thinking about New Year's Resolutions.

For 2021, it's a bit difficult - with no idea what the year ahead might look like or what might be possible, it's hard to know what to focus on.

So I've decided to focus my attention on my writing - and everything that comes with it. Because during the year I have learnt so much about authoring, both the good way and the hard way.

Balance

There's no point writing a brilliant book if nobody gets to hear about it. And equally no point raising your profile as an author if you leave yourself no time to write.

This is something I've probably struggled with most of all during my debut year. I did very little self-promotion before the book came out (partly due to coronavirus and lockdown), then probably went a little overboard in the second half of the year - I say 'overboard' not because I was spamming my followers or taking part in wild publicity stunts, but because I was leaving myself very little time to actually write.

I'm part of a great group of debut authors on Facebook and one thing we've all struggled with is how to get word out online that we've got a book out, whilst remaining true to ourselves.

This year, I hope to spend the majority of my 'writing time' doing just that. And while I've got a few panels and Twitter events lined up, I'm only choosing to do things that are FUN in their own right too.

Outreach

In some of my worst moments (the kind where you question what you're doing, or whether you have what it takes) other authors, readers and writerly folk have really made a difference. Whether by simply reading and raving about my book, offering me advice privately or taking part in an event I'm running. These are all people I didn't know in 2019, but who decided to help me out anyway.

In 2021, I'm hoping to be that person for others - if I can help someone who's looking to get into writing, or debuting this year with help or advice I'm going to seize the opportunity to 'give back.'

Love

Let's get back to basics - I write because I love to write. And there were moments this year where I felt completely disconnected from myself as a writer. What did I want? What was I trying to achieve? I will forever be grateful that I was plucked from the publication slush pile and given a chance to shine. But equally I mustn't forget what got me scribbling in the first place.

I love writing. End of. And I'm determined in 2021 not to lose sight of that.

There will be other lessons to learn no doubt in 2021. For a start, I hope to have my first REAL WORLD LAUNCH in May when my second novel comes out. With champagne. And actual people. And books you can hold in your hand... No doubt I'll find out what to do (and what NOT to do) for the next one.

I expect I'll make mistakes again, beat myself up about things, find reasons to regret things I do, or don't do.

But I hope for the main part, focusing on my three writerly goals will keep me on the straight and narrow.

Wish me luck!

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How long does it take to get an agent? Some of the authors I’ve spoken to took just a couple of months. Others – like me – took a lot longer to find someone to represent them.

In my case, I think my journey was hampered by the fact I never really thought I’d get one.

Having an agent, getting actually published was something that happened to other people.

Not people like me.

I underachieved at school after being bullied; I went to a mediocre university. I landed a job as a teacher and while I did well, found the job physically exhausting. I developed anxiety, went through infertility – and while I emerged from it all relatively happy, it was also with the belief that whenever I flipped a coin, it would land Gillian side down.

I always believed in my ability to write, but when it came to seeking representation, I treated it a bit like a lottery. I didn’t really do much research (other than a quick flick of the Writers’ and Artists’ Yearbook) and would send off chapters in giant manilla envelopes (yes, it’s been a LONG search), only to have them land with a thud on the doormat three or four weeks later.

During my search, I wrote several different novels. I experimented with style. I like to think that my writing improved.

But more than anything, I think that my confidence grew.

You might imagine that you’d have to be pretty damn confident to apply to an agent in the first place. But for me, it was something I did fairly secretly and didn’t even talk about. In a way, it felt as if was punching above my weight.

Once in a while, I’d get a ray of hope – an agent scribbled that my book was “better than most” on the corner of a manuscript. A couple of times I was asked for a full submission – meaning they wanted to read my whole book.

But I was always nearly there, and never quite made it.

Now, talking to other debut authors I’ve realised that some of them actually researched their agent. They decided what THEY wanted and who they wanted to work with.

It sounds so sensible! But I think in my case I was scared of wanting a particular agent too much – who wants to be rejected by someone you’ve invested time getting to know?!

My method was more of the stick a pin in the listing, send something off and hope.

Luckily after over a decade of trying, I finally landed on my feet.

I wrote Everything is Fine in 2016 – at the time I was recovering from PND and used to write a chapter each evening. It gave me something to focus my thoughts on and put a bit of structure in my day (it was also a way of getting out of putting the little ones to bed and reading endless stories, which luckily my husband is pretty good at).

It wasn’t until 2018 that I was ready to send it off in earnest. I tried a couple of agents with the first draft – they asked for full read-throughs, but I never quite made it. I decided my central character might be more appealing when written in the third instead of the first person and set about rewriting the entire book.

Then, finally, I found my agent.

I’d already decided who I was going to try first when I finished the novel. Ger, from the Book Bureau – someone who’d rejected a previous novel from me, but who’d taken the time to write and encourage me to send anything I wrote in the future her way. “I think you have that something,” she wrote.

It was those words of encouragement that gave me the impetus to redraft the book.

And those words were the reason I went straight back to Ger when I’d finished ‘Everything is Fine.’

She said yes – and here we are.

It could have been a disaster – now I’m more experienced, I realise that the agent/author relationship is crucial.

Luckily, Ger has been a great agent – really supportive of everything I’ve done, a great cheerleader and someone who tells it like it is when it comes to ideas for novels, or sample chapters.

I now believe that if I’d had more confidence, I may have snagged myself an agent long ago.

My underlying feeling that I’d never actually ‘make it’ meant that I didn’t edit my manuscripts thoroughly enough. I didn’t research the right agencies enough. And I gave up after sending a novel off a few times. Perhaps if I’d believed in myself more, I’d have gone the extra mile and reached this point in my career long ago.

At the same time, I still have to pinch myself every day when I realise I’m a published author. And I know that as well as improving my writing, I lived a little more during the time when I was trying – I’m more wrinkly but I like to think of myself as wiser too.

Writers, as a whole, aren’t a confident bunch. But if you’re searching for an agent yourself, I’d urge you to keep going and, unlike me, do a little research before reaching out.