Natalie Wanner's Blog

I've started this channel as a way to connect better and answer the answer the ever increasing number of questions I receive. You're welcome to join me there and continue on with me. 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCj8I...

Crazy on the Inside, is now in the works for television and screenplays. I've been in Kansas City for the past week meeting with the producer and creator of American Chopper to create a format for mine.  All my dreams are coming true and my hard work is paying off in spades. Thank you for following my journey and I hope you will stick around for my second book as well as the big screen adaptations. 

Much love for all your support...without an audience I am not here...thank you thank you thank you

The audiobook was released July 14th!! I was away on a solo road trip and just let it all go. 

Here's the link to my Amazon page...much love and thank you for the ongoing support!

https://t.co/lpDGYpjPNW

Remember the agents...the publishers that all promised to help me that so easily parted ways with me when I refused to tell lies? 

I was worried I didn't bend enough, maybe in order to capture it I would have to sell out a little and play ball...but could I and how much of a sell out? 

Last night a PR firm out of Illinois, reached out as they tracked the progress of my audiobook. This morning they advised they would like the opportunity to launch me and work with me for a year with a  budget that I don't have to fund.

I was ready for anything with my book, I just wanted to stay the course and make sure the integrity of the story was secured. 

My team will be selected by the end of this week in preparation for the audio launch. 

My good friend Lisa quite poetically pointed out..."This is your yellow brick road and you choose your scarecrow, tin man and lion". My circle is strong and my friends are elite...I am proud of the table I have set and those who hold seats. 

Golf is still a trigger for me, I miss that part so much...maybe instead of trying to let it go I'll honour it as the token I'll take with me. I watch Bailey show Fiona how to use the different clubs and it still hurts like day 1. I just cannot understand why this is difficult. I know the toll mental health plays on us, I just never knew the extent his would come to hate me. I hold out hope some days that he find a way through his own darkness and remember our friendship, or something he liked about us. I guess I hope my love wasn't lost to his Jekyll, but I'll probably never know. 

I fly out tomorrow, I'm heading back to the coast to meet someone new. I waited a long time to meet him, I didn't think Marcus would come back, but I wanted to make sure my feelings were no longer on fire. I'm actually excited, he's quite kind and very relaxed and perhaps the biggest attraction is that he too is open. Maybe that was my issue before, I don't know but I'm ready to move forward in finding another relationship. 

I get the audio version of my book back this week and will release it as soon as I can. I only have gratitude for my life and those that have been part of it. Tomorrow I start a new part, it's not a chapter...it's so much more than that...

We sent in the completed audio to be engineered for the audiobook version. I thoroughly enjoyed recording and it was only made better by having Dan along side me. I feel like this is the last big portion that I can do to move my dream forward. I have learned so much in the past several weeks; thinking I was breaking and descending back into my trauma, I was merely evolving into my strongest self. Today feels like a brand new chapter, with a past I feel good about because I took the time to heal and collect all of my favourite memories. I couldn't tell you what he looks like anymore, I don't know how I feel about that but I'm not about to look back and see. A deal I made with myself was that once I walk away, I don't look back...not at social media, pictures or even messages...all are triggers best left buried. I do wish my past partners well, I hope they are deeply in love and flourishing in their happiness. 

I feel incredibly proud of who I have become. I feel strong in my character and in my convictions...I'm ready to see what I can do...

We just crossed the halfway mark of recording the book and should be done before we leave for LA next week. I have sold so many books all over Europe recently that I imagine the audiobook will only make it go further faster. I didn't realize the emotional toll it would take on me to read my book after a couple of years, each night I feel emotionally exhausted and more in love with my husband...we continuously find ways to bring back the passion and fall right back in love. 

I decided to meet someone, he has been asking me for months but I have held steady hoping Marcus would have balanced...but this morning I woke up and I was balanced. We facetime a lot, he lives on a jet because of his work and wants to spend a year with me. I cant even imagine getting picked up each month on a jet to be whisked away...but I'm signing on...he's charming and just wants to have adventures with me...

I started to record my audiobook last weekend. Dan and I found an easy elite program and so far we have four completed chapters, two have already been sent to be mastered. I feel motivated and ready to get back to my things and press forward. It was fun being a cheerleader for Marcus for a while, chasing dreams is euphoric...but my dreams haven't exactly come full circle. I'm glad I am doing this and finding another way to push my book and vision forward. I've set up a little studio in my bedroom closet and the acoustics are perfect, Dan fits nicely beside me running the computer and making edits in real time. 

I'm learning to appreciate all the phases and changes that life brings about. Even finding comfort and love in the pain of having to let go and knowing I can't control anything but myself and how I frame my thoughts and experiences. He won his tournament, he's first in his division. Who knew swapping out a photographer with a caddy would do so much good! He's impressive but has stated having Matt help him read the greens would go a long way...apparently all the way to first. I truly hope the best for him in every corner of his life in his mind, body and soul...I still can't make sense of so much, but I guess that's life and sometimes you just have to be okay with that... 

I woke this morning with a lighter feeling in my chest and definitely more happiness in my heart. It's a battle of letting the bad go while trying to capture the good and wrap my heart in love all at the same time. I know I'm resilient, I think there comes a time when you realize that time will heal you and that soon, I will have my closure to move forward. I know the time is coming...I guess I feel sad that soon I won't care. It sounds crazy but theres a real feeling of hurt when you know you are going to get over someone...as if the love is lost and not transferable. Maybe I still hold on that the person I loved really exists, but I step further from that theory with every passing day. It's difficult to give up on people, you can't slay their dragons and sometimes...you become one...

I still struggle to sleep through the night, I just don't understand how someone could fumble me so badly...unless that was always the play. I loved him, I wanted to be that person he could rely on to be there to help him build his life and be a good friend and lover on his journey, I just wanted to add a fun partnership...I never showed up to take anything other than his time. I assumed his aspirations were so great that my limits fit in perfectly...and they do...just not for him. I would have felt relived for him to have a girlfriend close by, I can't even think of a reason not to tell me he wanted at least another partner. Imagine the nerve of telling me daily how he was lied to and cheated on throughout all his relationships only to be doing the exact thing to me...it's shocking to the soul. Just like Joseph, he takes the entire relationship and burns it...the friendship, for them, only exists within the intimacy you share. I think of Marcus and wished he could have seen how a strong friendship with me outweighed any other type of relationship. We all have our faults, we all have a story and I miss hearing his...and being part of it. I still can't tell you how I became the enemy to him, I don't know if it can ever be undone and I sure as hell don't know how to fix it so I don't say anything at all...I keep writing and writing...I just have to let him go...