Rituparna Ghosh's Blog

We are a generation of people who live with ease. With the advent of the internet, mobiles and other gadgets information and problem-solving are on our tips. Worried about an exam? Go online and search or ping your friend for their notes. Need the perfect look this summer? Head to Instagram. Want a new television? Buy it instantly. You get the drift.

So, it is only fair that when we have everything at our fingertips, living life should be easy. However, rather, unfortunately, our emotions, thoughts and insecurities have not received the memo and are still old school and we still struggle to know how to deal with them when we are overwhelmed. That feeling when you can’t research the crap (pardon my language) out of a problem, is not only yours. I am sure everyone in their life has felt at least once that they are losing all hope. The question is what to do when you feel it’s impossible to take even one step forward?

1) One day at a time – Planning gets everything to happen, but what it also does is overwhelms and makes you inflexible. Chasing the bigger picture, it is easy to overlook the small consistent steps that you are taking on a day-to-day basis! Do plan, but for a short period of time, a day, a week or even a few hours. Keeping your larger goal in mind, plan for one day. Divide your larger goal into small achievable milestones and note them down. Remember no goal can be achieved without starting work on it.

2) You’re probably not as alone as you feel – For every one person who judges you on your insecurities, there are at least two who are or have in past gone through the same problem. When I was struggling to have my child, I felt the whole world around me was a giant celebration of a baby shower. There were some terrible years spent in a silo, working through doctor visits, medications and countless questions, it was only when I started blogging, I realised how I was not the only one. So, if things are looking hopeless, confide in a trusted friend or a family member.

3) The worst-case scenario – Seems a bit counterintuitive, isn’t it? Like you are already depressed and then I’m asking you to imagine your worst fears coming true! But here is the difference. If you use your worst-case scenario as a deterrent or if you catastrophise it, then of course you’d get to a panic attack. Instead, use it as your strength, write it down based on the facts you have. Once you do, you’d find that the world won’t stop right there, you’d be hurt (probably a lot) but you’d be able to move on. Now with nothing to lose start to work backwards towards the steps you need to take to not land there. Once your brain has thought through the idea, it becomes easy to accept it, to look for different perspectives and to work towards changing it.

4) Self-love – There is no substitute for self-love period. Also, Self-love doesn’t mean a day at a fancy spa or something like that. What it means expecting the same kindness from yourself that you expect from others. It means finding the ability to forgive yourself for mistakes you make like you forgive others. If you don’t love yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to fall in love with you? More often than not people, friends, family mirror the boundaries that you have with yourself. If you don’t set your boundaries, then it’d be difficult to expect someone to understand when to be there for you and when to leave you alone.

5) Ask for help – Last but not least contrary to what you think, asking for help does not make you weak. Mental health is as important as physical one, if you want to lose weight won’t you get yourself a trainer? Similarly, if you are troubled why not seek professional help? There are people qualified to stop you from losing all hope. It means you’re brave enough to give yourself a fighting chance, to learn from things and move forward. There are counsellors, therapists, coaches anonymous helplines available – all you need to do is ask.

If you are progressive, reasonably open-minded like me, and believe in letting people live their own reality, it’s very natural to think of yourself as inclusive.

Before we move on with this blog, let me clarify what I mean by being inclusive. – In short, it’s countless small things you can do to make someone feel included. How you act, how you speak, how you conduct yourself without letting any subconscious biases affect your decisions. Inclusivity is something that can’t be analysed or measured. It’s something that has to be ingrained in us.

However, you’d be surprised how often our mindset, subconscious biases, comments, or actions can affect and exclude someone. We’ve all done it differentiated amongst two equally deserving candidates based on their age or gender. I’ve seen exclusion happen due to language. Sometimes I’ve been guilty of that as well. So how do we ensure that if we believe in inclusivity, we are actually inclusive?

1) Challenging unconscious bias. – Yes, that’s the number one. Sometimes our experiences, more often than not, our beliefs and views about other people unconsciously affect our decisions. It could be discriminating based on age, gender, sexuality, race or religion. The biases could fall into concerning - someone who is older is auto assumed not to be good with technology. To strong ones - like reacting ( grimacing, cringing, avoiding, calling names… ) towards a specific minority community.

2) Being open-minded – Coming from a thought process of ‘I’m okay, you’re okay.’ Open-mindedness is the willingness to believe everyone is giving their best and not actively searching for evidence that strengthens a preconceived notion. To be curious and accepting of other points of view and the ability to deal with someone challenging your own. E.g. Automatically assuming if a Man is sensitive and takes time to groom, he must be homosexual.

3) Actively listen – More often than not, when we have a conversation, we listen with the intention of responding. Listening, really hearing what the other person is saying, is often the best gift you can give someone. When you listen without interruption or talking over them or following up with an anecdote of your own, you can make the other person feel included and be a part of your team. E.g. as a community, LGBTQ people face higher rates of poverty, stigma, and marginalisation, which puts them at a greater risk for sexual assault. If someone is talking about an incidence that has affected them deeply, not immediately jumping in with your story or saying not everyone is like that.

4) Using the right way to address – Addressing someone in a way they preferred to be addressed goes a long way in showing respect, avoiding cliches and assumptions wherever possible, and using more inclusive language when talking to a group. For example - Trans like to call themselves (She/her) and some like to have no gender associated with themselves.

5) Using your voice – Each one change one. There are years and years of prejudices and biases that we need to fight. Being inclusive by yourself is definitely not enough. Remember, if you are not speaking up, you are abiding. Use your digital mediums to educate people about their biases. If you work with someone who is often excluded, stand up for them.

6) Recognise your privileges - A privilege is defined as “a right, license, or exemption from duty or liability granted as a special benefit, advantage, or favour” [1]. They are determined by social, cultural and sometimes political constructs. These constructs have a basis on prejudices, but have solidified through time and are laid on us as soon as we begin our time in society. Every organisation, class or structure, follows cliques sometimes consciously, sometimes unconscious, and if you are somewhere on it ( Good looking, successful, uber-rich, educated, heterosexual,…?), you are privileged. Recognise it and understand that others might not have had the same journey.

It is not always easy to unlearn one’s own biases and change behaviours. It is even more difficult to call people out on theirs’s especially when their disrespect is guiled as humour. Questioning them or speaking up can make you the subject of their ridicule. But imagine, if a simple thought of going against the tide is making you sweat, this is someone’s reality every day.

[1] (“Diversity and Social Justice — A glossary of working definitions”).

I'd always heard the phrase a lot can happen in a year. In the sedentary life I lead, the last excitement occurred in 2008, where I went from being comfortable financially to being broke in a matter of months (Recession). Still, I knew the only thing I had to do was find work. Whereas this year? Oh boy, where do I begin? At the beginning of this year, dazed with my first ever novel's success, I had a vision of getting through the next manuscript in the first three months. The submission of my diploma was out of the way, and I was sure I'd clear. I was on the cusp of launching my own business; I was belting out Fleetwood mac on my guitar without pausing between notes (A noteworthy achievement if you please.) And then, in one switch, it changed, and I am sure I was not the only one left completely out of my depth.

Cut to now, another eight days before this year from hell officially ends - The manuscript has been completely discarded, my guitar has not been touched in the last three months, I've not been able to register my business, and well moving from living room to backyard is a holiday enough. I think I say it for everyone that this year has been unprecedented in all ways. And ironically, every time I've thought I've come to terms with it, it's blown up on my face, again! This year has seen me being a master whinger, going round and round lamenting everything from panic buying to cancelled holidays. For some time, I even joined the bandwagon of toxic positivity, trying to force my joker smile on the world. This year has also seen me be an efficient meme forwarder, everything from masks to social distancing. I’ve felt helpless as people I know and cherish lost their loved ones without even a chance to say goodbye. It has seen me tearing my hair through arguments of the entire Covid being a hoax. As credits roll towards the end of this year – A year that was drama, tragedy, comedy, satire, and any other genre rolled into one, the biggest thing that’s coming up for me is surprise surprise - Gratitude!

Seesawing through the myriad of emotions this year, the one that has stayed and grown is - the feeling of being grateful. I'd often mistaken this feeling by thinking it's a privilege, something which I've had a hard time accepting. Being brought down on my knees and humbled by a virus, I've looked at, rather been forced to look towards things that are working. And I was bowled over. This year, I've discovered resilience; I've done more than 5k squats, (give or take a few hundred) despite my arthritic knees. This year has given my partner and me a lot of time to talk, just talk, instead of filing away our differences to be dealt with the next inopportune moment. I wrote short stories despite coping with giant chunks of writing blocks. I've had a lot fewer clients than I had predicted, but all of them stood by me and supported me through the pandemic. This year my tiny egg grew into a fledgeling and started reception away from his best mates. He took it in his stride without shedding a single tear! Yes, I am proud of him ;-) This year has forced me to slow down, It's given me perspective. It has given me the ability to appreciate the passing of time and make each moment count, realising that we are just specks on the pale blue dot in the grander scheme of things.

I digress; I guess what I am trying to say is this year, I planned a lot, I'd set out to achieve a lot, and I was forced to either give up or adapt on almost everything. Despite that, I'm ending the year with a note of gratitude - grateful to have lived through, grateful to have survived, grateful to be alive.

That though in no way means that this Christmas, I'd be asking for anything else other than take away this deadly virus! Santa are you listening?

On paper, we are a free world, a world where we have the right to choose our beliefs, do what we love, and exist how we want.

But is this really true?

A quick look at social media or the news will bring forth the stories of bigotry and discrimination. The world which welcomed mass globalisation at the beginning of 21st century has turned 180 degrees and is now moving towards more nationalistic and totalitarian rule.

In 2020, where the whole world has come to a grinding halt with the pandemic, unlike what Hugh Grant led us to believe in love actually, the messages pouring through are not 'love'. The abuse of Dalit women in India or the more recent farmer protests, the frequent killings of African Americans in the USA, moving of Hungary from democracy to a hybrid regime, with the prime minister holding more power than the constitution. The ban of independent newspapers in Iran and few other countries allegedly prevent the spread of the Corona Virus. Complete lockdown preventing access to basic needs for lower strata of society in certain African countries. The list is endless.

Society at large is on the edge, obsessively studying the news and graduating from the 'whats app university,' or the ‘Facebook university’. Originally a tool to connect and reacquaint with loved ones, off late they’re being used to propagate hatred, twisted facts, and misinformation. The 'my way or the high way' brigade is on the prowl and they will not rest till they either convince everyone or persevere to numb citizens again and again till they cannot differentiate the right from propaganda. Trolling and social media attacks are regular trending hashtags now.

So, coming back to my original question, in a supposedly free world, are we really free? Or is it the luxury of privileged few and forbidden for others?

Chatting with Osman Haneef on the eve of the launch of the print version of his maiden book Blasphemy – The Trial of Danesh Masih. I posed the same question to him. Here are few excerpts from the discussion

Osman, what according to you makes something forbidden? Who decides what is forbidden?

Traditionally, when we think about who decides what is forbidden, we think of governments or powerful non-state groups. History is replete with examples of such censorship, for example Galileo’s censorship by the Catholic Church. More recent examples include Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code (banned in several countries) or even Rushdie’s Satanic Verses.

Essentially anyone with the power to inflict harm on the transgressor who produces a forbidden text, has the power to determine what is or is not forbidden.

However, if we dig a bit deeper, we realize that it isn’t these groups that decide but we, the people, who decide what is forbidden and what is permissible. No group or state can stand up to the will of the majority of the people indefinitely. And for that reason, it is important for us to lend our voice to powerful ideas of justice and equality. Ultimately, we all decide what is forbidden.

In 2018, BBC reported that Facebook had a massive role to play for the supposed anti-terrorism measures but actual ethnic cleansing that happened in Myanmar, a Whatsapp forward has taken more than 17 lives in India. Do you think Social Media has been key in this decision?

The pervasiveness of social media has made it much easier for groups to organize and for ideas to spread at an unprecedented pace in human history. And, the examples you presented do suggest that social media is being used to spread intolerance and hate. But extremism and radical ideologies predate the internet, and social media, like many other technological innovations is simply a tool. It can just as easily be a tool to mobilize people for positive social action as it can be used as a tool for violence, radicalization, and spreading misinformation. Ultimately, our use and regulation of social media is a question that we will all have to answer for ourselves.

The 2020 report of United States Commission on International Religious Freedom reports an increase in Religious persecutions world-wide. We’ve seen evidence in Rohingya, bombings of churches in Srilanka to count a few. How do you then account for this extremism?

The academic literature on the root causes of extremism and religious intolerance is vast, and I don’t want to be reductive. But, to me, one of the most compelling theories relate how periods of economic growth followed by periods of stagnation foment violence and extremist behaviour. Why? As people’s outcomes fail to match the reality of the world, they find themselves in, they become frustrated. Opportunistic political actors channel this anger towards a scapegoat, such as a religious or ethnic minority group. Demagogues use this dissatisfaction and frustration to further their own political interests. In what is likely to be a global recession, I fear there will be a rise in religious intolerance and violence.

Let’s talk about the Blasphemy law which is almost at the helm of this growing religious intolerance. In fact according to the Pew Research Centre, about a quarter of the world's countries and territories (26%) had anti-blasphemy laws or policies as of 2014. What encouraged you to pick this as a topic?

I wrote the novel as a “discovery” writer. That is, I wrote the first draft without a strong sense of the narrative arc or central conflict. But as I wrote, my mind kept coming back to a blasphemy case from the 1990s. In the case, an illiterate teenage boy, Salamat Masih, was accused of writing blasphemous statements on the wall of a mosque in a village in the Punjab. There was no physical evidence, and the judge was never told what was said because to repeat the statement would have been blasphemous. Eventually, the conviction was overturned, and Masih fled to Germany. However, the injustice of an obviously innocent young boy wrongfully convicted in this Kafkaesque court proceeding in Pakistan stayed with me.

How was the experience of writing a book of such underlying malaise in the society and yet doing it in a way that did not hurt sentiments?

I did not set out to write a polemic and, though the book is critical of the blasphemy laws, and takes place against the backdrop of a blasphemy trial, it is a book about fully formed characters. I wanted to avoid caricatures, such as villains with twirling moustaches. For instance, with Pir Piya who is the primary antagonist in the novel and a deplorable figure — my aim was to have readers understand him even if they weren’t sympathetic towards him.

Did at any point you feel unsure or worried that it might affect your life, as in risking it?

Even though my novel is not blasphemous, people don’t need a good reason to vilify and target you.

And many people understood the risk. It made it challenging when I was looking for agents and publishers, especially in the West. A prominent British literary agent told me that after Rushdie, no one wanted to touch a book on blasphemy. I explained that my book wasn’t blasphemous but the agent pointed out that the people who would object probably wouldn’t necessarily read the novel to find out. Eventually I did find an agent, Sherna Khambatta, and a publisher, Dipankar at Readomania, who understood what I was trying to do, and they helped bring this novel into the world.

But, to more directly answer your question, yes, I was worried (and still am). You can never feel completely secure when writing about blasphemy. Salman Taseer, the Governor of Punjab was murdered by his own bodyguard, for taking a very moderate and reasonable position towards the law.

These days, messages of tolerance and inclusivity are often met with violence and threats. But if those of us with the ability to write about these topics, don’t out of fear, then we cede the debate to the most extreme elements of society. Those of us with the power to do so, need to speak for those who don’t. If we don’t confront them while we can, it will soon be too late.

Blasphemy (the book) is not only about the trial, running through it, are threads of beautiful storylines. How easy/ difficult was it to create subplots in the book, each giving a further layer to the characters?

It is often said that the key to good writing is rewriting. And that was the key to weaving the stories together. It was many hours of rewriting, and cutting, leaving only what worked to tell a coherent interlocking story.

Talking about the characters, it boasts of some powerful relationships, connections and contrasts - Sikander- Fazal, Danesh - Pir piya, how easy was it to weave these without diluting the core topic?

My novel is chiefly about the characters and their relationships. I know I talk about the blasphemy trial but that is only interesting in how it brings the characters together and forces them to confront each other and their past. I sincerely believe that if a writer focuses on characters and their relationships, the rest takes care of itself.

In an earlier interview with Readomania, you mentioned writing about Pir Piya was the most difficult, can you tell us a bit more?

The most difficult characters to write in Blasphemy were those who the most far removed from my own perspective and point of view. These characters were probably the antagonists because I was forced to unpack the motivations for their deplorable actions. For instance, for Pir Piya, a radical religious preacher in the novel, I read extremist literature and watched videos of religious extremists to understand the way that they justified their positions. I combined that with what I knew from all the research on radicalization and extremism and the people I had met to develop the underlying psychology of the character. I then tried to imagine how a character with this fabricated background, and way of engaging the world, would think and respond in different scenarios. And then I kept editing it and changing it until it felt true.

Who was the easiest to write? Rather who is your favourite character?

The easiest characters to write were probably Sanah and Sikander because their views of the world are probably closest to my own (though we definitely have our differences). Still, it didn’t require as much of an imaginative leap as Pir Piya. But my favourite character to write was Ahbey. It let me enter a childlike place of wonder and excitement that I found compelling.

They say the first book is autobiographical to a certain extent, in fact we saw Sikander sharing your love for drawing comics? Does blasphemy have a sprinkling of your life?

I am sorry to disappoint everyone but it is completely fictional. But to clarify, I may borrow experiences or stories people have told me as a starting off point. But then, I exaggerate them and change so much that the characters and stories become unrecognizable. In order for fiction to seem true, it often needs some basis in fact but, in the end, it is fiction.

Where else do you get inspiration for your writing? Do you have a writing schedule?

I could get inspiration from anything: personal experiences, the stories and myths people share, people I meet, books, movies, and television. I mine everything. That’s why you have to be on your best behaviour when you are with a novelist, you don’t want your name to end on a terrible character who sounds a bit too familiar. In fact, my brother said that he had never been more relieved to not see a character based on him in a novel. So clearly, he was nice to me.

I used to write on weekends because my job was all consuming during the week or would leave me exhausted. However, these days, I have been struggling to write at all. It has been difficult during the pandemic but I hope to get back to it. And it is not because I don’t feel like it...I will say the key to writing, which I feel most beginning writers struggle with, is that they wait for the muse. That is getting the writing process backward. You don’t write when the muse comes. You write so that the muse comes.

Lastly, with the world in the state, it is in, where do you head from here?

I don’t have grand visions for the world. But I know that many people are struggling — with lack of work, mental health issues, family problems, and so much more.

I hope that in this difficult time we show a bit more kindness towards each other, and check-in and reach out to friends and neighbours who we haven’t spoken to in some time. It is during these, the most challenging of times when our friends and loved ones need us most. And the world could always use a little more kindness.

Osman Haneef was born in Pakistan and, as the child of a diplomat, grew up in different cities in Europe, Asia, Australia, and the Middle East. He studied creative writing at Yale, Stanford, Colby, Curtis Brown Creative, and the Faber Academy. He won the Frank Allen Bullock Prize for creative writing at the University of Oxford. In a former life he worked as tech entrepreneur, a strategy consultant, and a diplomatic advisor. He was selected as a Young Global Leader by the World Economic Forum in 2017. He lives with his family between the UK and Pakistan. The print version of his maiden book – Blasphemy – The Trial of Danesh Masih is now available on Amazon.

Since the lockdown started in March 2020 we have all be piling more expectations onto our already overburdened shoulders. Many of us have said to ourselves, “I should use this time at home to …” followed by a series of goals such as get fit, write that book, finally sort out the loft. The list goes on.

The reality of the social restrictions however has not necessarily been lots of wonderful, relaxed time at home but a combination of working from home, homeschooling, boredom, lethargy, and in some cases depression and despair. All exacerbated by the nagging thoughts that we ‘should’ be achieving more.

Even before COVID-19 we were living with too many personal expectations; how to behave, how to think, how to act, and what to achieve. Constantly. However, how many of the pressures that we put upon ourselves are genuine personal goals? How many are expectations driven by ‘shoulds’ piled on us from parents, peers, and society? For example;

· Do you want a boyfriend for you or because you have family pressure to get married?

· Do you want the promotion for you or because it is a ‘natural career progression’ and it is what people expect?

· Do you want to lose weight and go to the gym for you, or because society and peer pressure dictate you should look a certain way?

Consider this – you didn’t agree to live by anyone else’s expectations. These expectations are based on their beliefs and perceptions about what they want for you – not what you want for yourself.

The only expectations you agree to live by are your own, which you set yourself according to what is right for you.

How to manage your personal expectations?

Don’t get me wrong, it is great to have goals, to want to improve skills, and to grow as a person and this is in fact an integral part of being human. However, the problems occur when these expectations cause you to stress, make you feel guilty and inadequate, and eat away at your self-confidence and self-esteem.

It doesn’t help that we are our own worst critics and will berate ourselves for the slightest perceived ‘misdemeanour’. “You’re so lazy that you didn’t go to the gym today,” “Why haven’t you got a man? What’s wrong with you?,” “Why did you miss out on that promotion – you’re obviously not working hard enough.” We often speak to ourselves in a way we would never speak to one of our friends regarding our personal expectations.

This is why “managing expectations is as much a skill as cooking,” said Jill Brooke, a coach with the Stepfamily Foundation. “Each of us has an internal oven that controls the temperature of our expectations, and it needs to be monitored to produce the best results.”

In other words, we have to work at ensuring our expectations are right for us and our stage in life.

· Ensure the expectations are realistic – You can’t expect to qualify as a doctor if you don’t study.

· Ensure the expectations are yours – It’s harder to live up to others’ expectations and be truly happy. Live according to your own desires, goals, and expectations.

· Don’t compare to others – Many expectations come from our perceptions of others and the expectations others have of you based on their perceptions of others. For example, your mother saying, “if you study hard you can be like [insert flavour of the month relative or celebrity].”

· Go easy on yourself – if you ‘fail’ at something; missed the spin class or ate an entire chocolate cake, shake yourself off and know that it isn’t the end of the world. Just carry on with your goals.

· Adapt to change – Life is full of unpredictable changes which means your expectations may also have to change.

· Accept yourself as human – Regardless of what others and you expect, you are only human; not super-human. Maybe some people can have it all – the job, the family, the dog, the committees, the charity work and still have time for yoga and lunch with the girls. Good for them. But if this isn’t your life then accept that you can only do you.

When managing expectations – your own and other people’s, ask yourself, “What am I afraid of? What’s the worst that can happen?”

You may be surprised when you realise that the worst that could happen is someone may be disappointed in you, or you may be disappointed in yourself. Adjust the expectations and you’ll remove the disappointment.

The latest lockdown in the UK is affecting everyone in different ways – but it is a pretty safe assumption that everyone is feeling it.

For some, who live alone, it’s the isolation. For others, it is the pressure of working from home and home-schooling at the same time. There is a feeling of their days blending into each other and things happening yet nothing is getting done. Add to that financial concerns and job insecurity it’s a pretty stressful time for most.

This is the first in a series of three blogs which will look at how to cope with these pressures, and how to lead a more contented life in these unusual times.

Looking at what’s there

A common problem people are facing with lockdown is 'overwhelm'. There are

Cabin fever from being cooped up. Working from home with no boundaries Caring for bored irritated children Homeschooling Keeping the peace as tempers fray

Not everyone has a home which can morph itself as - a home office for multiple adults, online school for children as well as the space to give everyone some alone time. Then there is a constant battle to adapt to the new normal at the same time maintaining a pre=lockdown pace of life.

As CS Lewis said “We must stop regarding unpleasant or unexpected things as interruptions of real life. The truth is that interruptions are 'real life.'”

Therefore, we need to pivot our thinking so that instead of focusing on what you can't do like before we rewire our thinking to what is possible now.

Which way is the highway?

We like our research, we are a Google generation. Whenever faced with a problem the first thing we do is ask the internet, read a bunch of advice, case studies and form our opinion. But this situation can't be solved like that, we need to charter our own path.

Transitioning into an online environment may seem easy with the added bonus of not having to travel, getting people more accessible and making us a part of their lives. But it has its downsides. Swapping to online life is actually more tiring, as it is additional screen time, which can have a detrimental effect on health.

For example, a study carried out in 2017[1] showed that in the US, adults were more likely to suffer from depression if they spent more than six hours a day in front of a screen (tv, computer, phone). How many hours in front of a screen did you have yesterday?

Added to this is the lack of time to process the information thrown at you, which we usually do during the 'commute.'

The constant burden of meetings, managing other parts of your life, the guilt of not doing enough, not getting me time - Talk about mental overload.

Unfortunately, there is no set way of how to deal with this!

Coping with overwhelm

`How do we then deal with this overwhelm?

The biggest step as well as the biggest challenge is to adjust your expectations. Getting your brain to understand there is a reason this is called the 'New Normal' cause its different than how life used to be.

The second step is to prioritise your non-negotiables - Yes work, schooling, house hold, relationships etc etc. all are important, but we can't do everything. Accepting that and prioritising activities that match your values, in the long run, can help.

The third is to look at your negotiables, more often than not we put our own needs and self-love at last. I've no idea why we do that, but there is this sense of not giving enough importance to ourselves. So, relooking at them can help boost the sense of wellbeing. For eg.

·Daily exercise – this doesn’t have to be a ‘workout,’ it can be a walk in the park, climbing trees, tracking animal prints in the snow, dancing to your favourite playlist, literally anything to get you moving and preferably outside! Rest – it is important to take a break when you need it. Even five minutes where you take a step back can help to clear the mind. Time alone – although humans are social animals it is important to have a few minutes to yourself. This is essential for every member of the family. Even when all at home, try to give everyone space. You don’t need to entertain them 24/7. Time to talk – it’s important to talk about how you are feeling. You may be surprised to find your partner, friends and family are all probably feeling the same.

There is no one size fits all on coping with 'overwhelm'. Everyone’s situation is unique in regard to what they are juggling. But accepting the fact that you don’t have to make everything perfect, we are all in the same boat, surviving and doing the best we can. And if despite everything you do the anxiety is not abating, then it might not be a bad idea to seek help. There are a lot of agencies that provide pro bono counselling/ coaching.

[1] ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5574...

As we discussed in the first blog in this lockdown series, most of us are suffering in some way due to lockdown whether it is cabin fever, overwhelm or anxiety over money and work.

Whilst some of the problems can’t be solved quickly, especially whilst the situation remains the same, there are ways of alleviating the stress for short periods which can therefore act as coping mechanisms. Here are six coping strategies for you to try.

· Device holiday – We are becoming more and more addicted to our phones, especially at times when we are bored, anxious or stressed. It’s a compulsion to see “what’s happening in the world” but when you are feeling anxious or overwhelmed with your own life, looking at ‘highlights’ of other people’s on social media isn’t going to help.

But taking a break from your device, even for an hour, can help to make you more focused and alleviate stress.

· Allow yourself to be bored – It is becoming a common trend that we need to be productive and busy all the time – often doing two or three things at once (who’s not guilty of watching TV, checking emails and cooking dinner all at the same time?).

In Manoush Zomorodi’s Bored and Brilliant she explains that doing nothing is actually good for you so why not ditch the schedule for an afternoon and allow yourself to be bored and do whatever takes your fancy. It will destress you, rejuvenate you and motivate your creative juices.

· Take a walk in the sun (or the rain) – Just getting out into fresh air can help to clear and therefore focus the mind, as well as improving blood pressure and strengthening the immune system.

If possible walk in nature – the woods or the park – as this further reduces anger, fear and stress and can only do you good. Even ten minutes outside will be enough to relax you enough to get on with the day.

· Take a long bath or shower – For some the soothing nature of hot water – either in a shower or bath – with beautiful smelling soap or scented candles – can do wonders for your mental health. The water and the aromas relax you and can help you to unwind from the stresses of the day.

· Journaling – This has long been seen as a really effective way of reducing stress, clearing and focusing the mind, as well as prioritising concerns and having ‘eureka’ moments by connecting your thoughts with your behaviours.

Writing uses the left side of the brain (the rational side) which frees up the right side (the creative side), meaning journaling can not only empty your head of unhelpful thoughts but can also allow your creative juices to flow.

According to Baikie & Wilhelm, 2005[1] writing can make you feel better in general, boost your mood, reduce symptoms of stress and depression and improve your memory.

· Gratitude jar – Practicing gratitude is also something than can help reduce stress and anxiety as it focuses on the positives. Having a gratitude jar is something the whole family can get involved in.

Every day write on a piece of paper, something that you are grateful for – no matter how small and then put it in the jar.

Then when you are feeling really down you can open the jar and see what you have written, and it should hopefully give you a lift.

When dealing with stress and anxiety different coping mechanisms work for different people – as our feelings are unique so are the ways of coping. However, should you feel your stress and anxiety are becoming more debilitating it may be advisable to speak with your GP or a counsellor for some more tailored advice.

[1] Baikie, K. A., & Wilhelm, K. (2005). Emotional and physical health benefits of expressive writing. Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, 11, 338-346. doi:10.1192/apt.11.5.338

Lockdown is hard on everyone – for different reasons. Not only are we being restricted in our movements, but also in our social interactions, some people haven’t seen family members and friends for months.

However, before lockdown started we were all under different kinds of pressures which centre around the goals we had for ourselves, the expectations others have of us as well as things that are 'Deemed' must do by the society. These haven’t gone away.

Unrealistic lockdown expectations

In many ways, these goals, expectations and obligations are in direct contrast with the world we are currently living in.

· How can you be promoted or successful at work if your job is threatened due to not being able to trade?

· How can you find that husband your parents want for you when socialising is not an option?

· How can you be a good wife, mother and do your chores when you are also expected to home school?

Then you go on social media and see people who have used lockdown to learn a language, start a business, do loads of charity work as well as raising four kids and running a multi-million-pound business.

It all becomes too much. We become disillusioned, overwhelmed and start to doubt our own abilities and achievements.

Take a step back and breathe.

Be kind to yourself

It’s time to be kind to yourself.

Being kind to yourself isn’t just about self-care which I dealt with in a previous blog, but about taking time to be kind to yourself.

I’m not going to add to your stress by telling a lot of things you ‘should’ do, instead I am going to ask you a series of questions.

· If a friend came to you and told you she was feeling the way you do – like she can’t do enough, she is overwhelmed, she is stressed and anxious – what would you say to her? Do you say the same things to yourself?

· Do you say ‘well done’ to yourself for your achievements? Do you celebrate the mini wins?

· Do you honestly believe that the ‘highlights’ on social media represent reality?

· When you compare yourself to others are you comparing people in the exact same position as you? Are you in fact comparing apples and oranges?

· Do you stress about the small things more than anyone else? Does anyone else in your house care if the vacuuming isn’t done or you have take-out for dinner as you didn’t have time to cook?

· If your friend or mother decided to take a day for herself would you think she was lazy? Should she feel guilty that she needs time to relax?

Being kind to yourself is just as essential to your mental health as food and water are to your physical well-being.

By re-framing your thoughts, emotions and actions as if they were done by someone else may help you stop the negative self-talk where you convince yourself to feel guilty for not achieving something you have convinced yourself you must achieve.

Be as kind to yourself as you try to be to your friends, family and loved ones. You could be surprised at the change it nurtures in you.

This women’s day I #choosetochallenge

the labels that define me

the obligations that are laden on me

the boundaries that are thrust on me

the respect that’s refused to me

This women’s day I #choosetochallenge

The need to be superwoman

The need to be perfect

The need to be good

The need to be available

This women’s day I #choosetochallenge

Everyone who won’t let me be

Everyone who judges my choices

Everyone who pushes me down

Everyone who restricts my flight

This women’s day I #choosetochallenge my need to just survive.

Cause I’m a woman and I want to thrive!

At the centre of our universe is balance. Rich or poor, hard or soft, clingy or indifferent, we are forever looking to attain the perfect equilibrium to make our lives better. Cause too much of anything can result in stress and burnout. Sometimes in the race towards this crucial equilibrium, we forget to ration the most important resource – Time.

A study carried out by Gallup[1] showed that 23% of employees felt burnt out every week, and 44% reported feeling burnout sometimes. This goes double for working parents who, after a busy working day or week, then have a million and one things to do for the family: helping with homework, housework, shopping and entertaining.

However, while some tend to find time between all the madness to catch up on their favourite sports or head out with friends for a beer (Pandemic permitting), Traditionally, a larger portion of women have looked at the concept of me-time as being selfish.

Then there is this constant urge to push through the to-do lists, completing dozens of tasks based on what everyone needs before tackling their own. Sounds familiar?

There are only a few hours in the day, and taking time away from family or work is ‘wasted’ time, cue a massive proportion of guilt. What can be done when there are more urgent tasks than meditating or taking a bath or reading a book? Here again, the years of subtle conditioning of women being the nurturer comes to play. So, they continue to give and give and give until they have nothing to give anymore!

American novelist Eleanor Brown aptly puts this, ‘Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel'

What is this me-time?

In one line, it means time spent doing something you do for only yourself! It could be spending time writing, reading or painting, having a hot bath, going for a long walk or sitting in a quiet room meditating. Something that helps you to unclutter your brain and unwind. By resting your mind, you are allowing it to recharge, enabling you to be more creative and more productive. There is enough scientific evidence that constant stress leads to your 'body' being in flight or fight mode, which further leads to adrenaline and cortisol production. These hormones shut down all the non-essential functions of your body and brain, including your digestive systems and the part of the brain which makes hormones like Dopamine (the pursuing, achieving, wanting hormone) and Oxytocin (trusted, safe and connected).

More often than not, we humans identify ‘time’ in terms of tasks, ‘I will relax when I’m done answering all my mail.’, ‘I just need to help children finish their homework.’, ‘I’ll put my feet up after I am done ordering groceries.’ But the thing is, tasks never end! There would always be something critical or ‘should get it done activities that’d demand your attention.

There are a couple of hacks that’d help you get the elusive time and help you recharge your brain.

Finding the time for me

1) Make your lists – I usually do it in three lots - Urgent, can survive another day, I want to do this. If you can get yourself to make this list, then you can see the tasks that you want to do for yourself as rewards. For every five urgent tasks that you must do, you can do one which you really want.

2) Schedule your me-time – We are corporate junkies who live on meetings and milestones. Unfortunately, we’ve stopped paying attention to our bodies and mind, and have gotten used to this regimented life! Not to worry, schedule your me time! Put a block of time in your calendar, which would let you do what you want (read, write, binge watch Netflix) without feeling guilty or without the intrusion of other tasks.

3) Delegate, delegate, delegate – It is not your responsibility to do everything! Humans are a creature of habits and like things getting done a particular way. But would it make a difference if your son left a speck of dust on the drawers or your partner forgot to wipe the dishes? Who really is judging the laundry piled in a corner?

4) Do not underestimate minutes: The me-time doesn’t need to be counted in chunks of hours. Getting out of your chair, stepping out in the sun for 10 minutes. Being mindful of the kettle boiling and having your cuppa in relative quietness. Reading a chapter of a book that has been gathering dust! It could just be five minutes of meditation.

Yeah, it is easy for me to say, but really where is the time? Yada yada yada. Honestly, the biggest obstacle standing between you and your me-time is You. Ask yourself, is this really so urgent? What would give you joy, the vacuuming that you’ve been procrastinating for a while or taking a leisure walk in the sun?

Take the time to replenish your energy. When you kick ass at all the tasks, you can thank me.

[1] https://www.forbes.com/sites/bryanrob...