Alexander Butler's Blog

We each face the massive task of rebuilding our lives.  The attitude that you bring to this task will determine whether you succeed, and it will define the coming months and years.

We’ve been through our once-in-a-lifetime disaster, along with the tectonic shift to our daily lives and our expectations.  Some of us have endured huge challenges to our businesses, or we’ve doubled up as a provider AND teacher for our children, or we’ve been alone and keenly felt the absence of friends and family, or we’ve seen our livelihoods taken away entirely and had to find new ways to make ends meet.  Some of us have been hit with several layers to the hardship of the past year.

And now, having survived all of that, you have to rebuild.  Impress your employer to make sure you keep your job.  Find a new job in a flooded marketplace.  Take your staff off furlough and pitch for business again, knowing that a lot of people will be cautious in their spending.  Rebuild friendships and connections with people you haven’t seen for a year.

Some people are going to serenely sail out of this storm.  For example, the very wealthy or those with essential, niche jobs.  There will be stress, but they won’t experience existential fear.  The rest of us will step out of lockdown, blinking in the sunlight, trying to work out what to do next.

A lot of people will take time to adjust and adapt.  Those who succeed, who come out on top, are going to come out running.

When faced with a difficult situation, attitude is everything.

Most people are going to try to get their lives back, to fight the changes that have happened, complaining that things are hard.  They will endure hard things.  Maybe they’ll succeed, maybe they’ll fail, but they will be gritting their teeth, saying how hard it is, waiting for the weekend, waiting for their holidays, waiting for 5pm so they can stop and take it easy again.

Others will be outcome-driven.  They will calculate their optimal path and then do what is necessary.  Saving money?  Ok I can do that.  Impressing my boss?  Ok I’ll do a good job with that presentation.  Rebuilding my business?  I’ll look at events and opportunities, reach out to some old contacts.  This is a smart approach, and with a clear result in mind, it’s more likely to succeed.

What all these people forget, and what can easily slip our minds, is the love of the struggle.  The passion for doing what is hard.  The bared-teeth, heart-thumping rush of men and women who are working hard, intentionally throwing themselves into hardship and challenge, for the love of it.  It’s a component that can so easily be overlooked, or feel too hard when we’re already tired, bruised, dizzy from a long bout.  But the passion will make the difference.

You know your challenges right now.  What are they?  What are you driven to fix, or change, or break through, or build?

Write them down.  Be specific, write down exactly what success will look like for you, in 12 months’ time.

Don’t be conservative, don’t hold back.  I know you’re tired.  I know the last year has been hard.  But this is a new chapter.  When you look back, this will be the chapter of your life where you surged out of lockdown and rose to new highs by daring yourself to dream.  Seize hold of your ambition, your will, your needs and longings and values, and rediscover those embers of passion that are waiting in your heart.  Blow on them.  Feed them.  Dream, vision, write down goals and ideas for where you want to be in 12 months.

Mindfulness is essential for this to work.  You will need to be present in order to feel your passion.  So a morning meditation practice is a good idea.

Then, feed your hunger.  Feed your passion.  Step into difficult situations, things you aren’t sure if you can handle, and stay present and mindful.  Fear will be there with you, so acknowledge your fear but hold on to your passion.  Let your passion grow stronger than your fear.

We’re looking to foster a warrior’s soul.  A warrior laughs at danger, death and hardship.  When I am at the gym, when I realise I’ve given almost everything my body can give, when I shake and feel like I might throw up, I laugh.  This is being alive.  Not playing it safe, not doing what is needed and then returning to my comfort zome.  This, the risk and the peril and the not-knowing.  This is being alive.

It is ok to be unsafe, when that is your choice.  There will be time for rest, and play, and gentle connecting, and appreciating the beauty of life.  But there is also a time to get into the ring, to be on the path, to be afraid but determined, to remember how good it can feel to pour passion into a project.

Set your goals.  Stoke your ambition.  Rouse your warrior’s heart.  And begin proudly walking into danger.

Short, unscripted videos from my life. Coaching insights, advice, or just shots of me striving to live my best life…

I often come away from coaching sessions with little insights, ideas and inspiration about how massively this client has just changed their lives. People do the work, with a little guidance, and they are often blown away by all the things that change, become easier, and the possibilities that open up.

I’d like to share this stuff with you. Along with unscripted insights into my life.

Head over to YouTube now and start watching my Monologue videos, or watch them all below…

You can now listen to our new podcast: The Big Yearning!

You can use the players below, or you can find us on Spotify, Google, iTunes or other major platforms.

Neil and I talk about all kinds of things, but the theme is how can you get in touch with the things you deeply yearn for, and how do you get more of those things in your life?

Episode 3, June 2020Episode 2, June 2020Episode 1, May 2020

Hello, World!

You can now listen to our new podcast: The Big Yearning!

You can use the players below, or you can find us on Spotify or other major platforms.

Neil and I will regularly talk about all kinds of things, but the theme is: how can you get in touch with the things you deeply yearn for, and how do you get more of those things in your life?

In today's episode, we talk about our own experiences with mental health issues, and we offer some ideas about how to speak to others about struggles you might be facing…

Episode 2, June 2020Episode 1, May 2020

Hello, World!

So you’re thinking about investing in your own development.  Maybe you’ve been referred to me, or maybe you’ve looked through my website or read my book, and you’re seriously tempted.

At this point you might have some practical questions.  I hear from prospective coaching clients all the time, and they often ask me similar things. So today I’ll answer:

How long will it take?

What happens in a coaching session?

Do I need to prepare?

If you have any other questions, you’re very welcome to drop me a message.

How long will it take?

The thing that almost everybody wants to know: how long is it going to take to solve your problem, to change your life, to feel better?  This will affect what scale of investment you’re going to make, both in terms of time and money.

I’ll try answer this by explaining the stages that most of my clients go through:

1. Identifying the issues

I’ve been doing this a long time.  Whatever you’re facing, I will usually form a pretty clear picture about it, and what strategy is going to work for you, within one or two sessions.  First sessions in particular tend to be very intense, fast-paced and we cover a lot of ground very quickly.

2. The actual work

We solve the problems in our lives with a certain mindset, using the information we have available.  I will give you a lot of reflections and insights to begin shifting your mindset, and I’ll teach you techniques, models and approaches that I know work.  Seeing me is like an injection of energy and enthusiasm, and often you’ll come away with exciting new thoughts or insights that can begin to change the decisions you make and the course of your life.  

It will be up to you to put this into action.  Sometimes you’ll be able to smash through things really quickly.  My words, and the things you’ve heard yourself say in our session, will begin changing your work, your relationships, your feelings about yourself and what’s possible for you...all sorts of things.  At other times, life will take you off course, or blocks and resistance will arise, and those will be the next thing we work on.

It’s things like that which determine how long you’re going to need to see me for.  I will be able to tell you early in our work which of these scenarios is likely to work for you:

1 to 6 sessions total

Some people are itching to take action, they just need a bit of a push, some motivation, and a few fears and barriers to be identified and solved.  Then, they’re off!  You only need to see me for a single session, or at most for a handful of sessions.

9 or 12 sessions

Some people aren’t sure where to start, or aren’t sure what they want, or are facing big internal barriers, fears or limiting beliefs.  This takes longer.  To be honest, it takes as long as it takes.  If you need to heal and fully understand why you’re not taking action, or if you want to take a big step in your life and there’s a lot of emotional resistance (for example, imposter syndrome, shame or deep doubts) then it’s going to take longer.  In general, I see clients like this making big changes in 9 to 12 sessions.

Courses like this tend to begin with the usual intense first session, then a few sessions of slowly identifying things and getting to know your inner landscape.  Then they tend to grow in effectiveness and energy right up until the end of the course.

Multiple courses of sessions

Occasionally my clients are facing truly massive challenges, either in their lives or in themselves.  These clients sometimes see me for long periods of time, and we make meaningful changes together all the time, it just takes a while to smash every barrier and tackle every toxic belief.  Slowly, relentlessly, and with as much care and introspection as you need, we chip away at things until you reach the place you want to be.

3. Ongoing coaching

Some people want growth and healing to be an ongoing part of their lives.  These people come to me with specific issues, but at some point they tell me that this feels amazing, and they’ve decided that being challenged, supported and understood like this is something they want for a long time.  Each step they take, each phase of growth they go through, will unveil new challenges and new opportunities, and they want me to be there with them, to guide and motivate them to meet ever situation with skill and grace.

These clients either book in for one course of sessions after another, or they sign up to my regular, ongoing coaching plan and set up a monthly standing order.

What happens in a coaching session?

A coaching session is a conversation with an inspiring, insightful person.  Your coach is an expert in human nature.  They care, they want you to succeed and they have the skills to assist you.

You will either sit in a comfortable room with me, or we’ll meet over a video call - both are just as effective.  For about 50 minutes we’ll talk about the problems you’re facing.

Often I’ll suggest practical ways to deal with practical problems, but my focus is on you, on helping you grow into someone who can solve these kinds of problems.  I will listen to you, answer any questions you have, and give you reflections on what I hear behind your words.  I’ll explain models and theories and approaches that will give you tools to solve problems and think in new ways.  I’ll guide you through issues and challenges, but you’ll come up with the actual answers.

It’s an exciting, challenging process.  I will do my best to identify and call out limiting beliefs and inner barriers that you carry, and this can be a bit uncomfortable at first, but it gets more exciting the more you experience it.

Between sessions, I will often set “homework” that will keep you moving in the right direction, or I’ll recommend books that’ll help you explore things we’re working on.

An important thing to understand is that, as a coaching client, you’re in charge.  I’m a resource for you to use, a helpful and supportive partner in your own personal or professional development.  If you want to use a session for a particular topic, just name it.  If you’ve got exciting new ideas to talk about, let’s talk about them!  If you ever feel that we’re not going in the direction you want, challenge me and we’ll shift gear.

You will leave coaching sessions with new ideas and a clear set of goals to accomplish.  I often find that my clients turn up to the next session, having done the work or read the book, and they’ve moved forwards a long way.

Do I need to prepare?

I cover this in my article, 5 ways to get a lot more out of coaching.

It’s a good idea not to rush to a session.  You want to arrive with your mind already focused on the purpose of the session.  It’s your time and your money - if it takes a quarter of the session for you to arrive properly and feel focused, it’s a quarter of your money wasted.  So I advise people to plan their arrive well in advance, walk the last few hundred metres slowly, and reflect back on what you want to get out of the session.

Before your first session I will have sent you some online forms to complete, which will help you reflect on the current state of your life.  This helps a lot.

If you’ve written anything like a journal, or if you have a notepad that you write in during sessions, make sure you bring this.

If you’re feeling the pressure during the lockdown, you’re not alone. I’m offering way of getting effective, helpful support whenever you need it, for a very low cost.

Not all conversations are the same.  Some leave us feeling heard, seen, understood.  We feel like we’ve been able to connect deeply with another human being and these conversations are nourishing, supportive, and often thought-provoking and helpful.

Other connections can be draining, can make us feel worse, can demand our energy and leave us feeling depleted.

During the COVID-19 lockdown, I am offering a chance, every day, to be witnessed and to build meaningful connections with a caring community.  These calls feel good, they feel real, they are supportive and they can be very helpful at this intense, surreal, difficult time.

You will need to be a member of Deep Coaching community. The fee for this is about £7 per month.  Once you’ve joined, you’ll be part of a private social network with other open-minded, caring people and you’ll be invited to join our calls every day.

Join the community site

Check-ins work like this:

Everyone logs in to the Zoom call

I will welcome everyone and remind everyone what to expect.  If there are a lot of people, I might need to limit everyone to speaking for a certain amount of time.

After a short pause, we each take turns in sharing how we feel and how we’re doing. You won’t be interrupted while you're sharing and you'll have everybody's full attention.  If you don't want to speak, you don't have to.
It’s important not to interrupt others when it’s their turn. A check-in is not a conversation.

Once everybody has spoken (or had their chance to), I’ll thank everyone and we all log off.

That’s it.  It’s very simple, but over many years I’ve seen this simple structure be very powerful.

Tips about making the most of check-ins:

Speak from the "I" as much as I you can.  I feel, I did this, I need, etc.

Don't hold back.  Anything is welcome.  Say nothing if you want. Cry or laugh if you want.  Be angry if you want.  There is no judgement here, just compassionate witnessing.

Join the community site

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One of the hardest things we ever do is maintain clear, healthy, balanced relationships with other people.  The closer we are, the harder it can become. Keeping clear boundaries without closing ourselves off. Staying vulnerable and authentic without losing ourselves or compromising things that are important to us.  Balancing their needs and our needs.

We each have inescapable, intrinsic needs.  They’re part of being human, and they will always be with you.  From the really big and obvious things like needing physical safety, shelter and food; to things that are more subtle like needs for love, physical touch, creative expression or self-actualisation (becoming the authentic, real, whole person you were always meant to be).  I put a long list of core needs in my book, and I explain how we behave if these needs are managed in a healthy adult way, along with how things look if we ignore or suppress our needs.

Whether we’re conscious of them or not, our essential needs are guiding us and influencing our feelings, thoughts and choices all the time.  So are the needs of other people. People will ask for things from you all the time, either directly or indirectly, trying to get their own needs met.  People need you to do practical things for them, or reassure them emotionally, or they might attack you to meet an unhealthy need to dominate and feel powerful, or they might become dependent on you to rescue them.  In a healthy parenting setup, children tend to be very insistent with their needs. Adults who haven’t done a lot of personal development work will also tend to be very needy in one way or another, and they will tend to express their needs in unconscious or passive-aggressive ways.

So basically, needs are buffeting us all the time.  Our own needs yearn to be met, and other people’s needs are being delivered to us all the time, either directly or indirectly.  We’re constantly making semi-conscious decisions about whose needs matter more.

Sometimes, it’s important to put our own needs on hold in order to look after another person.  This is especially true with young children, of course, but sometimes we will choose to look after or support another person.

Some of us tend to do this very easily.  Some of us can lose ourselves in caring for others and forget all about ourselves.  If you’re one of these people, you might:

Have a reputation for always being there for people, for being a really nice person

Find yourself going to ridiculous lengths to help people

Do favours for people you don’t like, who will probably never do the same for you

Often feel run-down, or used, or resentful

Not be very good at saying no, or stopping helping people once you’ve started

The way we behave is a choice.  As I say to my coaching clients over and over, everything is choice.  Either those choices are conscious, considered, empowered choices, or they’re unconscious, passive choices made by another aspect of ourselves, or they can be somebody else’s choices and we simply choose to go along with them.  It’s all choice. Your power to choose is perhaps the most amazing gift you have.

If you know that you’re somebody who easily puts other people’s needs ahead of your own, you probably know that this is costing you a lot.

It costs energy, because you give so much of your energy away to other people.

It costs respect, because sometimes you will be treated badly or taken advantage of.

It can cost self-respect, because sometimes you might find yourself doing things you resent.

It can cost you a lot of enjoyment, fulfilment and satisfaction, because you’re busy worrying about what’s expected of you, or rushing around meeting other people’s demands and needs.

So if you’re somebody who tends to prioritise other people’s needs over your own, it’s useful to understand why you might choose to behave like that.  Here are some of the really common reasons:

LEARNED BEHAVIOUR

You’re just used to it.  Perhaps you grew up with a role-model who showed you that this is normal.  Perhaps you’ve developed a reputation at work, or at home, or with your friends, and this makes it easier to continue being that person.  Maybe you just fall into the role of looking after other people without noticing. Sometimes you might get to the end of your day and feel tired or uncomfortable, and only then notice what you’ve done.  You’re just used to being this person.

YOU’RE MEANT TO DO IT

This reason is emotional.  It’s a feeling, rather than a thought.  You might feel that you’re meant to look after people.  You might feel guilty about putting your own needs first.  You might find it awkward and uncomfortable to even consider your own needs.

This is a story that some people learn, and we can spend our whole lives living it out.  Generally we learn it early in life. Maybe it’s about our gender: mum taught us that women are meant to look after others; or dad taught us that we should selflessly work ourselves into the ground to provide for others.  Or it can be the other way around. The point is that we grew up with a strong message that it’s right to put other first and it’s bad to put yourself first. Always be giving.

This reason can easily be linked to personal shame, which is a huge topic (if you’re interested in fully understanding the role of shame in yourself, in relationships and in our culture, I unpack it at length in my book).  Put simply, shame is the idea that there are things about you that are unacceptable, and if people really saw you the way you are, they wouldn’t accept you or love you. Almost everyone I’ve ever met carries shame in one way or another, and we work really hard to hide things about ourselves to make ourselves acceptable and worthy.  When we do this, we tend to fall into one of three roles or characters, and one of these roles is the Rescuer.  

Rescuers get their self-esteem from helping other people (practically or emotionally), and when they’re not rescuing people they can easily slip into feel useless, unhappy, low, ashamed of themselves or persecuting themselves.  If you feel you’re meant to be helpful, to put others first, you can easily feel crap about yourself when you’re not doing this. So it’s important to keep helping.

AVOIDING WHAT LIES BENEATH

If you know that you tend to put other people’s needs first, then you might also know that you avoid looking at some stuff in yourself.  It’s too uncomfortable, too painful or too confusing. This is a main reason we keep ourselves busy looking out for all the people in our lives.  By looking at them, we are not looking at ourselves.

Sometimes this can be very deep stuff, stuff that we’re really uncomfortable with, stuff that we feel a need to work hard to avoid.  At other times, it’s just that we’ve fallen into the habit of looking at others and we’ve stopped looking at ourselves. This is quickly dispelled by simply making a bit of time for ourselves.  Sitting in the sun for a while. Indulging in a hobby. Taking a day to spoil ourselves.

If you know that there’s stuff inside that you avoid, then a time will come when you will need to deal with it.  Sooner or later, it will come to dominate your life. It already exerts an effect on your choices and your happiness.  Over time, things that are left alone through fear or discomfort tend to grow and become more influential.

I have spent most of my adult life helping people to unpack and understand what’s going on inside themselves.  In a safe environment, this can be much less frightening than people tend to think. The more we understand, the more we feel at ease and the more we can begin making better choices for ourselves.

So if you know that you tend to put others’ first, and if you know it’s costing you a lot, I encourage you to look into the reasons behind this and start making some changes.  Try not to leap to the other extreme and persecute those who ask for things from you. This keeps you locked in basically the same cycle. Try instead to understand the roots of your own choices, to break through into a new level of understanding about yourself.  From there, you will naturally begin to find more balance and fairness in your relationships, and this will begin to let more energy and happiness into your life.  

You might want to dive into a good book on the subject (check out my reading list or my book), or hunt for resources online, or see a counsellor of coach.  This is important work, and it’s often the difference between feeling tired, used or worn-out, and feeling empowered, happy and in control.

In December, I was interviewed about coaching, mental health and my new book by Nick from the Elemental Health podcast:

New years are new beginnings.  Christmas itself is a weird, time-stretching week when everyone loses track of what day it is.  Any change in routine gives us a chance to look at things from a new perspective. We can look at things in new ways, draw a line under things we don’t want to do any more and set new intentions for ourselves.  If you’ve looked at your life and decided the course you’re on isn’t right for you, this is a chance to correct it.

Each of us operates at a certain level of awareness of ourselves.  Some people barely know why they do things, and rarely make conscious choices about the course of their lives.  They rely on other people to make their decisions, and bounce from one situation to the next. These people tend to be unhappy and confused a lot of the time.

At the other end of the spectrum, people who understand who they are, what they are and why they are, have tremendous freedom and personal power.  They can choose their future, choose their responses to situations, build great relationships, make plans and follow through without distraction of self-sabotage.

I help people move from the former state to the latter.  I do it through coaching and I’ve written a book about it.

So whatever you choose to do with this new year, this fresh start, this chance to correct your direction, make sure you are learning what makes you tick.

Fear is a tricky thing to work with.  If you don’t understand fear, you will almost never notice it.  Fear doesn’t want to be noticed. In general, it doesn’t make itself known like anger or sadness do.  It will general operate invisibly. Time will pass and you just won’t do certain things. You’ll avoid certain choices.  You’ll sabotage new ideas or you’ll subtly abandon new courses of action. And often, you won’t even notice what you did.  If anybody asks, you’ll have really good reasons for the things you’ve done, or not done.

But the actual reason was fear.  You are afraid. We’re all scared of things.

We exist in four dimensions: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual.  Each is entirely separate. Thoughts are not feelings. Spirituality is not an emotion.  The body is not the mind. Each has its own rules, its own way of working, and they jostle for attention and control differently at different times.  If you’re interested in this idea, there’s a lot more about this in my book.

It’s important to understand that your dimensions are separate.  You may consciously want to quit your job, or move to a new area, or ask somebody out on a date, or invest in a new business venture, but your emotions may have different ideas.  Every emotion has important, wise things to tell you, but they should not be making your decisions. Making the distinction between what you think and what you feel, and being really aware of what you feel, makes a huge difference in how effective you can be.  It’s possible to be excited, afraid, angry and happy all at the same time. This is the rich maelstrom that is the human experience. The more you know, the more you feel, the more you understand, the better you will navigate it.

People make two key mistakes when it comes to fear, and both of these mistakes lead to fear screwing up their lives.

The first mistake is to ignore it entirely, or deny it, or pretend it doesn’t exist.  Whether you choose to acknowledge them or not, you feelings are happening, and they are part of you, and they are have a huge effect on your decision-making.  Most people do not make many conscious decisions at all: their emotions are running the show. They feel angry, they say something hurtful. They feel sad, they look for comfort.  They feel insecure, they use things to prop up their self-esteem. Stimulus: response. It’s a reckless, painful, disempowered way to live.

So first, we have to acknowledge that our feelings exist, and this includes fear.  This doesn’t mean we’re giving it more power. The feelings are going on whether we notice them or not.  But we find the courage to turn to face our fears and we investigate them, like an explorer in a strange new land.  We learn. We notice. Maybe we keep a journal so we can notice patterns over time. Initially this can be a bit scary in itself, as we realise the scale and complexity of our emotional landscape, but if we persevere we begin to know our feelings like old friends, and we begin to have a better relationship with them.

The second big mistake people make is that they acknowledge fear, but they believe that fear is in control.  The feeling can be intense. If it’s a fear that began in early life, it can take us back to that child-like state of vulnerability.  Even a fear that began in adulthood can be hard to handle (for example, maybe you’re afraid of opening up to a new partner because of how a past partner treated you).

This is where understanding your different aspects and dimensions is important.  You are NOT your feelings. Your feelings are happening to you. You are a conscious, intelligent, complex, messy human being, who can witness your own emotions without immediate doing what they tell you to do.  You can stand before the storm of your own internal passions and hold your ground.

So the art of managing fear is to face it, witness it, acknowledge it, be with it, but not be overwhelmed by it, manipulated by it or compelled by it.  It is just an experience you’re having. You are not a victim, you are in control of your choices and your actions. Even in the midst of fear, you can continue to take meaningful steps forward.  In fear and trembling, you can choose your own destiny.

As we do this more often, as we catch ourselves acting out of fear and gently correct our choices, we get more practiced at it.  We grow. We become wiser to our own internal landscape. We get stronger...much stronger.

So as you look to the new year and all the things you’ll achieve, I invite you to begin naming your fears.  Some will be core fears that have always been with you. Some will be the fears that arise from the current shape of your life.  Write them down and stare at the words. Let them enter your conscious awareness.

But remember that they are not in control.  You are. You choose what steps you take, and you choose the direction of your journey.  Fear is just a companion, like anger, joy, sadness, grief and love.