Morgan Cutlip's Blog

What Men Almost Always Misunderstand About the Mental Load

I get the same messages from men over and over again about what I share about the mental load, and it usually goes something like this:

“I think I’m doing all that I can to help. I do the dishes, I fold the laundry, but she’s still overwhelmed. I don’t know what I’m getting wrong.”

I believe these are well-intentioned partners. They’re really trying to take this seriously and do the right thing. But there’s a missing piece—one that often leads to massive breakdowns in communication about the mental load.

And it’s the piece that men almost always misunderstand.

The Mental Load Isn’t Just About Physical Tasks

Yes, dishes, laundry, mowing the lawn, and picking up groceries are all part of the mental load. And yes, they’re repetitive, draining, and never-ending. But for most women, these tasks aren’t the thing that’s completely overwhelming.

What’s exhausting—what makes it feel impossible to ever turn off—is emotional labor.

Emotional Labor Is the Invisible Weight That Never Lifts

Emotional labor is the constant, behind-the-scenes work of anticipating needs, weighing decisions, and thinking through cause-and-effect scenarios to maximize positive outcomes for the family.

It’s:

Making sure your child is socially included without hovering too much.Thinking through whether missing one nap is worth the meltdown later.Weighing the long-term effects of discipline decisions.Keeping track of what’s going on with each family member emotionally, so you can support them before things fall apart.

The stakes feel so high with emotional labor, and that’s what makes it different from folding laundry.

Emotional Labor Is Hard to Outsource

Here’s the tricky part—emotional labor isn’t something you can simply hand off.

Why? Because it requires deep knowledge of your family. Unless both partners carry that same awareness, one person ends up defaulting to doing the bulk of it.

You can pay someone to clean your house. You can ask your partner to pick up groceries. But you can’t outsource noticing that your kid is feeling left out at school and figuring out how to support them emotionally.

And that’s why emotional labor follows women everywhere—even when they’re at work, even when they’re supposed to be relaxing, even when their partner is “helping.”

So, What Can You Do?

If you’re a man reading this and thinking, Wow, I hadn’t really considered that, you’re not alone. Many men who genuinely want to support their partners don’t realize that the real exhaustion comes from this emotional load.

The solution? Start by seeing it. Ask about it. Talk about it. Get curious. Don’t just offer to help—share the responsibility of noticing, anticipating, and planning. That’s the real shift.

And if this resonates, I dive much deeper into these dynamics in my book,
 Better Share: How Couples Can Tackle the Mental Load for More Fun, Less Resentment, and Great Sex. It’s all about understanding, communicating, and actually finding fairness around the mental load in a way that feels sustainable and good to both partners

Grab your copy today!  

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The post What Men Almost Always Misunderstand About the Mental Load appeared first on My Love Thinks.

“You’re supposed to love being a mother but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time.” America Ferrera

The mixed messages we receive in motherhood are rampant:

You’re supposed to give it all but look like you’ve got it all together.You’re supposed to work like you don’t have kids and mother like you don’t work.Savor every moment but for goodness’ sake be more interesting than just a mom.

Sure, we can try to temporarily numb the sting of these impossible dualities by making memes about them, laughing at the absurdity of it all, or complaining about them to each other. But those options don’t offer a promise of real change or relief.  The hard and sad reality we need to acknowledge is that we often exist in a space where we have to negotiate and navigate competing and conflicting messages about what it means to be a mother. And we’re doing it on our own while trying to sort through the mess of it all. The hidden cost of this is that it drains our energy and leaves us bewildered, exhausted and feeling like we’re falling short no matter what we do.

Who would have thought that some helpful insights about motherhood would be found in the Barbie movie? Who would have guessed that film based on the female doll known for being the prototype of absolutely unachievable perfection would actually add some serious depth and wisdom to the conversation around how moms today can experience motherhood differently.

 

I think there are four lessons for moms that the Barbie movie can shed light on:

Ordinary over extraordinary: extraordinary is overrated and striving for it will never make you feel “Kenough.”

America Ferrerra said, “Okay, what about ordinary Barbie? She’s not extraordinary. She’s just a mom wearing a flattering top and she wants to get through the day feeling kind of good about herself.” This line didn’t get as much play as her epic monologue but maybe this should be the new standard for moms everywhere, normalizing the totally okay status of ordinary.

A recent Baby Center study found that 83 percent of moms said it was important to them to be the perfect mother. It sounds nuts at face-value but study after study supports the idea that mothers are holding themselves to impossible standards. If you couple this with a constant barrage of social media content that makes it seem like nearly every mom is somehow side-hustling her way to a six-figure income while juggling five kids and having a six-pack, it’s enough to make your head spin.

For some reason, we’ve normalized the pursuit of extraordinary. We’ve put forward the message that moms should be able to do it all, be it all, and yet not feel the intense weight of it all.

Let’s shift this narrative and take a cue from the Barbie movie and start to populate the message that being ordinary is actually quite amazing. When ordinary is good enough the pressure to keep doing more and adding more on your plate evaporates. When ordinary is enough you can feel content where you are, and it opens up your ability to take in the moment, soak up what’s in front of you, and allow you the headspace to tap into rest and joy in motherhood.

2.   Being a human can be hard: it makes sense when it feels hard sometimes.

“Being a human can be pretty uncomfortable,” said Barbie. As Barbie started to recognize the realities of life beyond Barbieland, she began to acknowledge that life outside those pretty pink borders was actually quite painful at times. This realization is one many women are faced with as they become mothers. As women, we are told that motherhood is magical, that it is the most fulfilling part of life, or that it will complete some part of us that we didn’t know was missing. And then we enter into the motherland and are completely baffled when that isn’t our experience. What if it’s not feeling really magical right now as you’re sitting there weary and covered in spit up? What if you feel lost without your career instead of self-actualized as a mom? These one-sided messages can leave all of us feeling like we’re somehow lacking something other moms have or that we’re malfunctioning all together.

When you become a mom, you’re often told to “enjoy every moment” or “remember you just have eighteen summers,” which somehow is supposed to make those hard moments more manageable. But it doesn’t help. Let’s stop sugar coating it. Sometimes being a human is uncomfortable. Sometimes being a mom is hard. But even when it’s hard and uncomfortable, it can be amazing and beautiful and a privilege. Let’s stop trying to ignore the hard while glorifying the good—they can exist together, so let’s allow ourselves space for both. For the messy and the magic. When we do this, we will stop feeling so darn bad about ourselves when we’re not enjoying every moment.

3.   Don’t get back in the box: there’s no one right way to do motherhood.

We live in the information overload era of motherhood. At any given moment you can hop on Instagram and scroll hundreds of parenting “experts” opinions. While this is a valuable tool that our parents didn’t have at their literal fingertips, sometimes too much of a good thing can become bad. This information overload—which can often offer contradicting advice—can send us moms on a never-ending quest for the “right” way to do parenting and motherhood.

And when we add the picture-perfect examples of motherhood we can easily find online with that contradicting advice, it’s hard to know if our personal version of motherhood is really cutting it. We all have an internalized version of what it means to be a “good” mom. We learn how to be mothers from the moment we were born based on how our caregivers raised us and then we have kids and these internalized experiences shape the expectations we hold ourselves to. Oftentimes we don’t even examine these expectations and think about whether they will work for us. We simply accept them and start to feel bad when we fall short of them.

I want to put forth a new idea inspired by Barbie. Just like she refused to get back inside her box and be constrained by those walls, what if we just allowed ourselves to mother outside the box. Let’s not get caught up in the comparison but instead give ourselves the freedom to figure out what works best for us and our families.

This is the radically freeing part of being an adult: we get to choose how we define our lives. We get to choose what we repeat from our past, what we revise, and what else we want to incorporate. There’s no one right way for everyone.

4.   There’s power in a good mom-alogue: when we speak our truth, it saves other moms.

In the final scenes of Barbie, America Ferrara’s character, Gloria, used her powerful and moving words to awaken the Barbies out of their patriarchal trance. She literally spoke life into them. As mothers, we have the ability to the same thing. As we share our truths with other moms—the hard, the beautiful, and the unfiltered moments of motherhood—we have the power to transform ourselves and the mother in front of us and our culture at large. With every whisper of “I’ve been there too” or “I feel that way too” we make movement toward finding a new path in motherhood. A path with a whole lot less pressure to be perfect, experience judgment from others or ourselves, and one where we have the room to define what it means to be mom enough.

So the next time you’re feeling the inner angst to sign your kids up for one more extracurricular, volunteer for one more school carnival shift that you don’t have time for, or nitpick all the ways you’re not measuring up to your picture perfect version of what you thought you’d be like as a mother I want you to remember these four points and in the words of Weird Barbie, “the choice is now yours.” You get to choose how you see yourself and offer compassion over judgment. You get to choose how you interpret those hard moments. You get to choose how you shape your own experience in motherhood and you get to choose how you lift up and breathe life into other moms.  The choice is yours.

If you’re ready to experience motherhood in a new way, you can grab Dr. Morgan’s book, Love Your Kids Without Losing Yourself: 5 Steps to Banish Guilt and Beat Burnout When You Already Have Too Much to Do, here.

Here’s what one reader had to say.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Why do moms struggle with self-care?

When I had our daughter, Effie, my mom would come over and offer to watch her while I got my nails done.

I wasn’t really ready to leave the house without her. I felt guilty and nervous and too sweaty and disheveled for public consumption.

But it was an incredibly generous offer, and it was not lost on me how special it was that I had family who was close and willing to help.

However, the reality of this little excursion outside the house was that Effie would usually make it about twenty minutes before she’d start screaming for me to come home and feed her.

I would have just situated my butt in the manicure chair only to be summoned back home with half-painted nails and no actual feeling of rest or relaxation.

This is really our modern-day stereotypical version of self-care: painted nails, a walk outside, showering, and drinking enough water so our eyes don’t click (out of pure dehydration) when we blink.

When moms are exhausted and struggling—and so many moms are struggling—we are offered these lists of self-care tips that usually result in a half-hearted smile or a head nod acknowledging, “yes, I probably need to do this stuff.”

But internally, we’re rolling our eyes because who has the time?!

Plus, it rarely feels like it’s actually moving the needle or offering a last feeling of relief.

Where self-care lists for moms are going wrong

There are three reasons why typical forms of self-care are missing the mark and what works better instead.

1. Lists of self-care tips just give moms more to do in the time we don’t have

The problem with these prescribed lists of self-care ideas is that we moms already have too much on our plates.

We have lists of things to do coming out of the wazoo, and now we’re supposed to add ourselves to the list?

Nah, that’s an easy item to cut.

The other problem is that when we don’t get to what’s on our list, we are left feeling guilty, or like we’re falling short.

We don’t need more reasons to feel like we aren’t cutting it, and this just perpetuates the experience of burnout and exhaustion in motherhood.

2. Lists don’t address the deeper issues

When a mom is presented with a list of various types of self-care ideas, there is a really important assumption being made: this mom has absolutely no guilt about asking for the time, space, and resources to take care of herself.

In my experience working with women, I’ve found that most women have feelings of guilt asking for this time, or they struggle to even identify what they need.

So when they actually get the precious time, they don’t know how to spend it or what will fill them up.

3. Self-care lists are almost always about grooming our physical bodies

Almost every suggestion when it comes to self-care has to do with our physical bodies.

Take a walk, drink water, take a shower, exercise, get a facial, eat healthy food, sleep when the baby sleeps—I could go on.

However, we are not just physical bodies, we are full humans with thoughts and emotions, and willpower.

We have other parts of ourselves that offer alternative areas where we can deeply care for ourselves.

When we focus on the grooming aspects of our physical selves, we neglect something that is really important: we need to listen to our bodies because they have meaningful messages to share.

As women, and moms specifically, we are notorious for ignoring our aches and pains and chalking them up to just normal mom stuff.

We don’t need to just get the latest and greatest skincare (unless you want to, then knock yourself out), we need to tune into our bodies and respond when they are speaking to us.

What self-care tips for moms work?

Moms don’t need more lists; moms need a plan that they can implement in the small moments of time they get throughout their day.

Moms are the master managers of all of the people and all of the things, but we don’t always turn that same skill set toward ourselves.

But we need to.

We teach our kids to honor and express their emotions, to see themselves in a positive light, to assert their needs, to prioritize in a way that feels good, and to care for and love their bodies.

We need to do the same for ourselves.

We need to learn to mother ourselves like we mother our kids.

I believe the antidote to those tired lists of self-care strategies is a targeted and efficient plan for moms to regularly check in with themselves and make small adjustments.

You don’t need to wait until you finally get that week-long vacation to feel better.

What you need to do is get in the practice of tuning into you and asking yourself what you need.

Little by little, you’ll start to make your way back to you.

What’s next?

If you’re ready for a sustainable plan to feel better in motherhood. One that you can implement right along side your kids and that doesn’t require you attend a week long retreat, make sure to check out Love Your Kids Without Losing Yourself: 5 Steps to Banish Guilt and Beat Burnout When You Already Have Too Much to Do. Available where ever books are sold.

Article originally published by Peanut here

The post What we’re getting wrong about self-care for moms appeared first on My Love Thinks.

 

You’re stuck in a never ending routine of working, grinding through dinner and clean up, tucking the kids in (if you have any) and then heading straight to bed where you pass out or turn on the tv and zone out.

To say you and your partner are like two ships crossing in the night is the ultimate understatement. You feel more like two ships docked in totally different oceans.

Here’s what you need to know if you’re in a season of life like this…

IT’S NORMAL BUT NOT SUSTAINABLE

Busy seasons are part of all relationships, after all life regularly pulls your relationship apart. However, something you need to keep in mind is that your relationship will not autocorrect.

If you don’t connect with one another, and this never changes, you will inevitably start to fall out of the know with one another. Overtime you may become more and more disconnected.

2.  KNOWING NEVER ENDS

Even though you likely know that you and your partner are continuously changing and growing and having new experiences every SINGLE DAY, you likely act as if nothing has changed.

And that you already know what you need to know about your partner. However, knowing one another never ends. Just when you think you know it all, something new happens or your partner has a new experience and POOF more to know.

Try to push back against the mindset that knowing is a final destination and continue to explore one another and be experts in each other.

3. YOU JUST NEED A LITTLE JUMPSTART

Sometimes getting back into a rhythm of talking requires a little help and a little structure. Work to carve out talk time together that is sacred and protected. I get it, more than you know, that kids like to talk most to you when you’re talking to each other, but  this time to sit and catch up will make a major difference in your relationship.

Here are a few conversation starters to get you going:

What’s been the best thing that has happened this week? Tell me about it.What do you miss the most about our relationship before kids?If money wasn’t an issue, what would you want to do with your time?What’s been on your mind lately that we haven’t had time to connect about?

If you’ve struggled to come up with content to talk about, check out our eGuide 365 Conversations to Deepen Your Relationship for some fun and meaningful conversation ideas.

The post Conversation Starters When It Feels Like You and Your Partner Have Nothing to Talk About appeared first on My Love Thinks.

I NEED AN ESCAPE FROM MY LIFE

I literally said this the other day under my breath in a huff while gathering: water bottles, snacks, shoes, sunscreen, hats, a check to deposit at the bank, + 3 packages to return to UPS…crap I need to call the insurance company.

My dad called, “can you talk for a minute about creating a giveaway for this conference I’m going to?”….yeah sure…drops all the things I’ve gathered.

My blood pressure rising + my patience dwindling. Ok, so I can add that to the list of things to get done today..maybe when the kids go to bed…… “Oh and don’t forget to pick up Teddy’s meds from the vet.” check…one more thing.

The day has just begun and I’m already exhausted and feeling stressed.

My friends, this feeling of wanting an escape from life is the result of a full and seemingly endless mental load.

I am sure you’ve been there too or are there right now.

So, if you aren’t familiar with the term the mental load, I am certain you will recognize what it feels like.

The mental load is the running list of all the “to dos” that you do to manage your life, home, work, relationships, and those who are dependent on you. A key feature, which makes it all the trickier to deal with, of the mental load is that it is often invisible. And the reason why it is so draining, is that it takes up a ton of cognitive capacity or space in our brains!

Some parts of the mental load are:

RESEARCHING: does this shampoo cause cancer? can I bring scooters to the airport? what preschools get good ratings?ORGANIZING: activities, social calendars, summer camps, etc.MANAGING THE HOME: are we out of q-tips?, what’s for dinner, go to the grocery store, shoot no clean undies, how do all of the kids shoes suddenly not fit?MANAGING EMOTIONAL NEEDS OF FAMILY: who needs hugs?, our oldest is being bossy we need to do something about that, but don’t squash her spirit, make sure they’re kind, but strong, and share but not the special stuff, but yeah be kind.WORK: deadlines, feeling like you’re falling short, being the one to have to take time off when the kids are sick, don’t have school, etc.

Truly, the list goes on and on. I want you to hear me when I say, the reason you feel so drained or stressed may very well have to do with the mental load that you’re carrying.

Naturally, the follow up question is: what can we do to lessen the mental load?

I want to give you four tips to consider when you’re thinking about how to lessen your mental load.

Be aware of unintentionally piling on precedents

Piling on precedents is a term I came up with to describe the process by which we do things for our partner or our family out of love and care BUT we do them (almost always) without conversation. These gestures that we did out of love then suddenly become OUR responsibilities because when we took them on, our partners and family tend to remove them from their awareness.  If we’re honest with ourselves, there are likely countless examples of things that we’ve just “taken care of” without any conversation or discussion.

If you think back you may remember them starting early in your relationship. Things like, “I would love to cook him his favorite meal and then let him chill out on the couch while I clean up too.”

This is a sweet gesture of love and care, but what message does this send? It says, “don’t worry, I’ll take care of this.”

And I promise you, your partner doesn’t worry. Your partner has absolutely removed this from their mental list of “to-do’s” and now let’s you take it on.

This happens over and over in relationships. So, pay attention to it.

Also, this is NOT BLAMING YOU! This is a natural thing that we do in our relationships and it’s really lovely (or may be a continuation of what we saw in our own family growing up). HOWEVER, when the pile has become so huge it can feel overwhelming and ultimately lead to resentment and frustration in your relationship.

If you don’t have kids yet, be careful what you take on when you introduce kids to your relationship, be intentional about involving your partner early.

If you already have piled on the precedents, be careful what more you take on. Be mindful of the moments you are just “taking care of things” and if it isn’t something you want to be forever yours, then speak that to your partner. Something like, “Hey, I RSVP’d for the dinner party next weekend. Next time, will you make sure to handle that?”.

The antidote to piling on precedents is making them and the process to get them done VISIBLE. Speak out what you are taking care of, let you partner know, and then either ask for your partner to take over a piece of it, or let you partner know that next time it’s on them.

You shouldn’t have to ASK but you just might have to!

Probably the number one irritation I hear from women about tackling the mental load is summed up by these words, “but I shouldn’t have to ask.”  I agree that you shouldn’t have to ask, but to move toward off-loading some of the mental load, you just might have to.

So let’s rebrand what “asking” to mean involving, teaching, engaging.

When you ask, you are:

involving your partner,you are showing them what needs done so hopefully they will think of it next time,you are releasing some of the responsibility, andsetting the stage to turn over more of the mental load.

Ask by ask you are making some steps forward and getting closer to having a partner that takes initiative more often.

Beware of stories that sabotaged or behaviors that backfire.

In my course entitled, The Mother Load: Helping Couples Unite to Tackle the Mental Load, I talk about tackling the mental load in two ways through the within and the between.

This tip is focused on the within, or the work that you can do if your partner does nothing! Remember, relationships are a dynamic, if you change one piece the whole is impacted.

Stories that sabotage and behaviors that backfire are the things that you may think or do that sour the tone of your relationship or inadvertently discourage your partner from taking more responsibility for things in the future.

Stories that sabotage are the running stories that replay in your mind like: “if I don’t take care of it, no one will.”

Usually this story ends in the same way, you take care of it, and no one else does. It’s self-fulfilling.

The tip here is to be aware of these stories you tell yourself and rewrite them and test them out in reality. Examine how they sabotage your desire to get more help from your partner.

Behaviors that backfire are the behaviors that ultimately may result in the same thing: inadvertently discouraging your partner from taking on more responsibilities.

Some examples of these are:

1.PERSONALIZATION. It’s just way too easy to jump to the conclusion that when your partner doesn’t step in, anticipate needs, or neglects to take care of something that he/she just doesn’t care about you. That it is disrespectful or that you don’t “matter enough” to your partner. Or that your partner is selfish or thoughtless.

Know that more likely reasons for their behavior are: socialization, learned roles, how they were taught responsibilities, long standing patterns in your relationship or others, or just plain obliviousness.

When you attribute your partner’s behavior to the later vs. the former it can help you to be more patient, forgiving, and gracious as you are working to hand over some of the load.

2.IMPATIENCE. I cannot tell you how often I hear “I asked and he didn’t do it right away so I just took care of it” or  “it’s easier to do it than explain it.”

I get it, I’ve said these things myself, however be aware that this approach will not move you toward the end goal of handing over some of the mental load, instead it perpetuates the idea that you will take care of everything.

3.MICROMANAGING. If you’re turning something over to your partner, let them find their way. Don’t hover and correct. It may look different, but hey you aren’t doing it so that’s moving in the right direction.

4.CRITICIZING. If you ask your partner to take something over, and he does it, be careful of criticizing his approach. Like, “is that what you’re feeding the kids?!” There is definitely a time and place to talk about how you would like things done, but as you’re making this adjustment be careful of discouraging forward momentum.

5.KEEPING SCORE. It’s likely that you carry most of the mental load, especially the anticipation of needs and keeping a running inventory of all things home and kid related. You win! You do more. This should ABSOLUTELY change but when you keep score everyone loses and this quickly builds into a negative attitude and resentment toward your partner.

The thing is, when we make a request of our partner, we need to then give them the space to meet our request, make mistakes, and figure out his own way of doing things. You never know, they may even do it better or more efficiently.

Reimagine roles + responsibilities, renegotiate, redistribute, and revisit the conversation often

This last tip is an example of the between work and it is done primarily through a conversation and ultimately a renegotiation of roles and responsibilities between you and your partner. Three steps are outlined below.

1.WRITE DOWN YOUR MENTAL LOAD.  Take the tangled mess in your head and get it out. Free up some space. When it is on paper and out of your head, it doesn’t require as much effort to manage. It becomes tasks to tick off vs. competing demands and distractions (In my course, I give you a pre-populated excel sheet with tons of tasks that make up the mental load).

Both partners can do this and it’s a great way to make the invisible aspect of the mental load visible. It is also helpful to separate things into categories of how often they need done or whether or not they are ongoing or one-time tasks.

2. LOOK AT THE LIST TOGETHER. Consider what your strengths are and what you each like to do. This doesn’t just help initiate a conversation, this also helps to show to your partner what it is that you are “taking care of” that he likely doesn’t even think about or notice.

3.RENEGOTIATE YOUR ROLES. Really, when was the last time you renegotiated your roles? Consider what items can be permanently given to your partner to take care of, what you can reasonably afford to hire out, and what you can remove from your list.

The goal here is not equality but what ultimately feels fair. The reality is that nothing is truly equal when it comes to roles in relationships, but if you two can renegotiate your responsibilities in a way that feels fair, that will make a major difference.

Finally, revisit this conversation often. Life throws curve balls at us that involves periodic increases in responsibilities (hello, pandemic!). So, get in the habit of regularly touching base with one another and discussing how you can support each other through busy seasons of life.

Ultimately, if you and your partner are able to work on the within and between aspects of the mental load, you will see major strides in your relationship and experience of equity and fairness.

To learn more about the mental load, make sure to download the Free Gift Bundle for Moms or follow along on Instagram @DrMorganCutlip.

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APPLE | SPOTIFY | STITCHER 

Have you heard about the Enneagram and wonder what it is all about? Christa Hardin joins Dr. John and Dr. Morgan to clearly explain this tool that has helped so many individuals and couples. For years, she has provided enneagram coaching and resources specifically for couples in marriage (https://www.enneagraminyourmarriage.com).

If you’ve ever wondered how someone discovers their Enneagram type, you’ll love how Christa breaks down the key questions to ask to  discover yours and helps John figure out his Enneagram type during the episode.

Some of the main takeaways include:

1.What is the Enneagram?

The Enneagram is a system of nine specific types of personality. Discovering your specific personality type is done by exploring your core emotional motivations and fears. Your personality type shapes how you view yourself, your relationships, and ultimately, your life circumstances.

The nine types are visualized in a circular diagram with each type represented evenly around the circle. This visual also provides two additional sources of information about your type. The types on either side or considered your “wings” and they too can depict aspects of your personality, especially when you are experiencing strong emotions or stress. There are also lines that go from each type through the circle to other types, representing the relationships between types. This provides insights into the strengths and weaknesses when two types are joined together in some type of relationship.

The nine types are divided among three categories: Heart Types, Head Types, and Body Types.

Heart types tend to use their emotional intelligence to understand their own reactions and connect with others.

Head types tend to use their intellectual intelligence to make sense of things and navigate the world around them.

Body types tend to use their instinctual intelligence to follow their “gut” to respond to threats and opportunities.

2.Every couple has their “glow”

Christa explains how the pairing of types creates a glow:

When you enter a serious relationship, people may tell you, “You know, you’ve changed since you started dating…” right? And we do change both by habit as well as intention sometimes, since we generally pick people we like!

When your personality type and your spouse’s personality types begin to rub off or bleed into one another, there is also a new hue or unique shading to you both. Sometimes you’re different but you influence each other and at other times, you truly change one another, both for better and for worse.

This combining of traits is a sort of relationship overlay and what I like to call your Enneagram Glow, the ways we influence the world uniquely as a couple.

3.Watch and learn

There is no better way to learn about the Enneagram then to watch a seasoned coach like Christa provide a demonstration as she walks Dr. John through a series of questions to pinpoint his type.

Although there are online tests to discover your type, a live interview works best. This is because an Enneagram expert engages you in a dynamic exploration of your core drives and fears associated with each specific type, and through a process of identification and elimination, you are able to narrow down your Enneagram type.

Once you understand your type, you will be able to better understand and work with your own strengths, motivations, and coping styles.

About Christa Hardin

Christa Hardin, MA grew up in the Detroit suburbs. passionate about relationships and families from a very young age. As a college student, she majored in both Communications and Psychology, publishing a research paper with her Communications professor about shifting family system dynamics and working full time as a community director at a local apartment community. She then married her high school sweetheart, Wes, and the two of them went on for MA degrees at Wheaton College in Chicagoland. Wes got an MA in Theology and Christa got one in Clinical Psychology, finding her first official Marriage and Family Therapy internship at the Evangelical Child and Family Agency (ECFA) in Wheaton, IL where she worked with couples, families, individuals, and children in play therapy.

Christa shares her passion and wisdom on the Enneagram on Instagram @enneagramandmarriage, on her Enneagram and Marriage podcast, and through her Glow Guides that you can find here.

What else is there?

To learn more, and hear about what may be necessary to maintain a relationship with someone you “agree to disagree” with make sure to listen to the full episode.

We hope you listen, subscribe, and review the podcast.  If you want to apply to be a guest on the podcast, we’d love to hear from you.

Watch the episode

The post Episode 14: Enneagram 101 with Christa Hardin appeared first on My Love Thinks.

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In this episode of the Love Thinks podcast, Dr. John Van Epp and Dr. Morgan Cutlip sit with Tricia Fox and Dave Ransom who are a married couple of two young children. 

Dave and Tricia share their experience transitioning from a couple to parents. They share relatable moments and struggles and also how they navigated through growing stronger and more connected.

Some of the main takeaways include:

1.You may struggle to connect with your child immediately

Dave shared his shame and struggle around feeling a lack of immediate connection with their children when they were first born. He normalized something that is a common experience for parents which is that when you, your partner, and your life are undergoing such a massive transformation, it can be hard to experience the joy and connection immediately.

Dave shared how his shame started to dissipate after confiding in a friend who had the same experience.

Listeners should know that this lack of immediate connection is so common among parents. Birth can be traumatic, having a colicky infant can be draining, and the adjustment to becoming a parent can be jarring. 

2.Be generous to one another

One of the most beautiful parts of the episode was how Tricia and Dave shared about how they both held space for one another and their experiences.

Tricia was experiencing postpartum depression following a traumatic birth and Dave was struggling with his own issues transitioning into parenthood. They both allowed opportunity for one another to be heard and supported each other in the ways they could given their own feelings of depletion.

3.Call on skills and support

Tricia and Dave shared about how they enlisted professional help and attended both individual and couple’s therapy.

They learned that they could develop the skill of offering grace to one another. And a renewed perspective that the bumps and struggles felt during a transition don’t mean that the relationship is forever doomed, but rather that they can use these difficult times to build resilience in their relationship and deepen their knowing in one another.

What else is there?

Tricia is a singer-songwriter and wrote an entire album about her experience becoming  mother. Tricia and Dave also wrote a duet about this time in their marriage. You can learn more about Tricia on her Instagram or listen to their song here.

To learn more, and hear about what may be necessary to maintain a relationship with someone you “agree to disagree” with make sure to listen to the full episode.

We hope you listen, subscribe, and review the podcast.  If you want to apply to be a guest on the podcast, we’d love to hear from you.

The post Episode 13: When partners become parents, marriage after kids with Tricia and Dave appeared first on My Love Thinks.

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In this episode of the Love Thinks podcast, Dr. John Van Epp and Dr. Morgan Cutlip share how they began working together as a father-daughter team to serve people in their relationships.

They share stories of some of the earliest experiences of Dr. Morgan’s life and how they shaped her interest in helping people’s relationships and how Dr. John inspired and nurtured this interest.

They also talk about Dr. John’s contributions to the world of relationship education. 

If you’ve ever been curious about understanding the history of Dr. John and Dr. Morgan’s relationship and the work that they’ve been doing together, this episode is a must listen. 

What else is there?

To learn more, and hear about what may be necessary to maintain a relationship with someone you “agree to disagree” with make sure to listen to the full episode.

We hope you listen, subscribe, and review the podcast.  If you want to apply to be a guest on the podcast, we’d love to hear from you.

The post Episode 12: Get to know Dr. John Van Epp + Dr. Morgan Cutlip appeared first on My Love Thinks.

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This is our third podcast interview on the topic of the “mental load.” Dr. Brooke Weinstein joined Dr. John and Dr. Morgan to share how she has successfully learned to carry her mental load while keeping her own self-care a high priority. Her story is inspiring with many diverse and challenging chapters: a wife with a husband struggling with depression; a mother of two boys (now 8 and 5); a working mom with a thriving practice; an almost divorced and later, widowed solo-parent. And yet, through all these experiences she has been resilient to continue to deepen her joy and love of life.

Some takeaways from the episode include:

1. Most of the content on the mental load is for couples and not parents without partners

As we stated in previous podcast blogs, the mental load is the invisible running list of responsibilities, tasks, and concerns that occurs in a person’s mind. Although this is a universal experience, most printed and video/audio resources about the mental load are focused on a wife within a marriage, and how couples can work together to be supportive of each other with their mental loads. Further, the body of research about marriage relationships has found that a general benefit many couples experience is that they advocate for each other.

However, the challenge of balancing a mental load with self-care is much greater when solo-parenting.

Here is the reason why: parenting without a partner means that you must be your own advocate, with the hard reality that often there is nobody advocating for you. But then, when you take the time and energy to search out the resources on the mental load, everything seems to be written for couples.

This leaves the solo-parent with one of two choices… reject or inspect!

Too many times our knee-jerk reaction is to reject content about married couples because it doesn’t apply to parents without partners.

However, if you closely inspect the mental load content then you can extract that which you can use in your own situation. In addition, with a little searching, you can find articles and resources about single parenting and the mental load.

Here is a simple plan to dig up some practical ideas and resources that can help you better manage your own mental load:

Set a goal of thirty minutes to just conduct a search on the topic of the mental load. Open any article or podcast that looks beneficial. Save them in a folder so you can go back and peruse them more deeply. Repeat several times. Afterwards, look through your findings. Create a document for your copied and pasted key points and ideas, and maybe even write some of your own. Finally, take your doc, organize it, add specific action steps, and then print to use as a reminder.

Here are a few articles to get you started.

https://www.mamamia.com.au/mental-load-single-parent

https://www.parents.com/parenting/dynamics/single-parenting/shouldering-the-mental-load-on-your-own

https://theriveter.co/voice/the-mental-load-of-single-working-parenthood

2.Too much of “a good thing for others” can be bad for yourself

Many of the items in a single mother’s mental load are good things: covering every little detail for the care of each of her kids; laundry; housework; work; bills; extended family; friends; and so much more.

There is no doubt that loving your kids, being responsible at work, maintaining an orderly home, and keeping up with your family and friends are all good things, but they demand more hours than are in a day and leave no room for the necessary acts of self-care.

In fact, for many who struggle with the tyranny of too much of a good thing, they feel selfish and guilty when they consider postponing a good thing for others to do a good thing for self.

Their prerequisite for self-care is the completion of all their other-care. But the reality of parenting solo is that you will always have to sacrifice some act of other-care to fit in self-care. This is a daily transaction that you need to face, accept, and learn to master.

Here are three acts of self-care that require little sacrifice of other-care, but when practiced regularly, can shift your perspective, refill your tank of patience, and keep you emotionally level. Take brief but frequent resets. Too many of us go hard until we are right at our breaking point, and then, and only then, do we take a bit of time to reset. We have trained ourselves to ignore all the small warning signs frustration, impatience, and fatigue. However, most self-care techniques are best practiced during lower levels of stress, and with great frequency. Here is an article to get you started: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/self-care-activities-5-minutes_l_613fa550e4b0dda4cbd269c4 Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” This may sound simple, but many of us have too great of a threshold for pain. We get frustrated, irritated, stressed, or worried, but we have mastered, “sucking it up and driving on” so we don’t even acknowledge those upset feelings, let alone, do anything to reset them. But if we would just do frequent check-ins to identify those “low-level” emotional states, then we could learn and practice techniques to move ourselves back to a better emotional frame of mind. It can help to ask this question to your body (e.g., what is my body feeling right now, and what is that telling me?) and your brain (e.g., what is my brain feeling right now, and what has it been focusing on?). Here are a couple of articles to get you started.

https://www.uchealth.org/today/how-to-practice-emotional-self-care

https://www.habitsforwellbeing.com/22-ways-practice-emotional-self-care-letting-go

Look around your environment and revisit the good times of your life. Most of us decorate our homes and places of work with pictures, nick-nacks, and other items that represent people we love or experiences that we have cherished. But in the rush of life, we don’t even see those reminders anymore. So make a habit of putting on the brakes for 30-60 seconds and zeroing your focus on the details of just one of your memorabilia and let it transport you into the best of life and love.3.Many habits that were formed within a relationship can be reconstructed by you taking ownership of your part and making intentional changes.

In this podcast, Dr. Brooke relayed that previously, when she was married, that she often went overboard to take care of everything possible just to protect her husband from becoming overly stressed or more depressed.

But then, she would feel resentful that she was taking on so much more than what she felt was her fair share.

In time, she came to a point of self-awareness it dawned on her that he never asked her to do this, and that she was able to alter the entire pattern just by changing her part of the equation. That realization freed her from resentment and empowered her to become much more balanced.

We all need to periodically review our roles within relationships and simply ask, “What adjustments can I make to improve how I feel, love, and handle life situations?”

About Dr. Brooke Weinstein

Dr. Brooke is an occupational therapist specializes in emotional and sensory regulation for children and parents and she provides you with real actionable steps into making life and motherhood easier. She helps Mama’s listen and trust the deepest part of themselves, live from a place of confidence, and build the emotional connection with themselves and their family they’ve always longed for.

She offers services for parents, who want to find balance, embrace the journey of self-discovery, and release the Mama shame which is sabotaging their happiness in motherhood.

You can learn more about Dr. B here or follow her on Instagram here. 

What else is there?

To learn more, and hear about what may be necessary to maintain a relationship with someone you “agree to disagree” with make sure to listen to the full episode.

We hope you listen, subscribe, and review the podcast.  If you want to apply to be a guest on the podcast, we’d love to hear from you.

The post Episode 11: Handling the mental load as a solo parent with Dr. Brooke Weinstein appeared first on My Love Thinks.

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It takes courage to share aspects of your life and marriage on a podcast, and something beyond courage to talk about personal failures. Peter and Alex personify this exceptional courage, as they share about a dark time of betrayed trust in their marriage and how they were able to build back their love and trust. Dr. John and Dr. Morgan sat down with Alex and Peter, parents of three kids, ages 5-9, and were amazed at the grace and wisdom they expressed in their relationship over the last few years of working through an emotional affair.

Here are some insights about betrayals and love and trust again: 1. Slippery slopes: tragic falls are often preceded by many small missteps

The first steps toward the edge of any affair are often taken in good faith. This means that they are not viewed as a step toward danger, or giving in to a temptation, or an act of wrongdoing. Rather, they are often inaccurately believed to be something that is good-willed, compassionate, and even loving. However, these good intentions are just a cloak of self-deception. And the partner of the one slipping into betrayal often intuitively feels that something is wrong, even though there is no hard evidence. So, when they approach and confront their partner, even in the most gracious and loving way, it often leads to strong denials, defensiveness, and counterattacks. This only serves to create barriers between the couple that are often used justify the partner further stepping toward the edge of betrayal.

Here are some areas to explore in order to understand and set  your boundaries:What are the boundaries that I practice and that keep me far from the edge of an affair?One litmus test (certainly not the only one) is to imagine my partner thinking, saying, or doing what I am engaging in—would I be worried or uncomfortable with that? If so, then I too should back out of those things.Talk together with your partner about different relevant situations that may need boundaries—discuss together what boundaries you would appreciate and why. Cultivate an attitude of humility, acknowledging your own vulnerability to self-deception and human error. There is an old saying, “Pride comes before a fall.”2. There are two realities that co-exist: personal responsibility and relational vulnerability

There is no wavering on the fact that each person must accept responsibility for their own actions. There can be no room for blame or excusing an action because of some mitigating circumstance. This is an indisputable reality. However, another reality co-exists… and that is that our relationship can be lacking something, or you could be acting in some way that increases your partner’s vulnerability to acting out in inappropriate or wrong ways. So, even though that partner is 100% responsible for their actions, we cannot escape that we contributed to their vulnerability by our choices. These two realities may not exist in every betrayal, but they must be examined and discussed by both partners once a trust is broken.

Consider:How do you acknowledge full responsibility for your actions when you have done something that betrayed your partner’s trust or deeply hurt them?When you betray your partner’s trust, it often takes much longer for your partner to forgive and rebuild any loving trust in you than you would like it to take. So, stay in the supporting, discussing, and apologizing attitude of heart much longer than you would think is necessary. It is when your partner has broken your trust that you should be the one to bring up the question, “Is there anything in our relationship that we can improve on and that will strengthen your resolve to not do what you did?” This needs to be explored without shifting ANY of the responsibility from each individual for their own personal choices. But it always is better to come from the partner that felt betrayed.3. Healing takes time and requires both forgiveness and a rebuilding of trust

Many couples fail to work through a breach of trust simply because they quit too soon. Time is not the healer of all wounds, but it is a necessary quality ultimately in any healing process. This means that when the horizon points have all closed in and there seems to be no future hope; when your present pain seems like it will last forever; and when you don’t believe your feelings (or lack of feelings) can ever change; it is at that very moment that you often need to persevere, give it more time, and engage in the right steps to foster genuine forgiveness and work to reconstruct a loving trust.

Here are some insights into the healing process that can increase your patience, promote forgiveness, and rekindle a loving trust.

Try to keep your head working with your heart during a relationship crisis. In other words, it is necessary to acknowledge, express, and resolve your emotions. However, those same emotions may prompt you to do something in the moment that is not best for you or those you love.

It helps to know that a present emotional state that feels permanent is often temporary. Most couples in crisis have extended times of either intense emotion, or complete absence of any feelings for the partner. When partners know that this is a common and often unavoidable phase when experiencing a crisis, especially an affair, then they can navigate it with greater patience and perseverance, and with giving that emotional state less long-term legitimacy.

Forgiveness first requires that the offense has truly stopped. After that, the offending partner can help their partner forgive them by taking personal ownership with deep remorse, being willing to be transparent, and engaging in many conversations to process the betrayal. This attitude/disposition helps to create an relationship environment where forgiveness becomes much easier to give.

The forgiving partner can feel bitter that the work of forgiveness has been unfairly put on them. However, there is actually a profound and meaningful personal gain when you genuinely stretch yourself to forgive another for a wrong they committed against you.

The partner that committed an act of betrayal often has to forgive him/herself. You would expect that partner to feel shame; however, coming to terms with and resolving a personal failure can be very challenging for many partners.

Rebuilding trust is not the same as forgiving an offense. Forgiveness is about letting go and resolving the act and related pain of past offense. In contrast, rebuilding trust is all about reconstructing a belief and security in a partner for both the present and future. Both are essential for healing a relationship. And typically, a sense of forgiveness precedes the longer process of rebuilding a love and belief of trust in a partner.

What else is there?

To learn more, and hear about what may be necessary to maintain a relationship with someone you “agree to disagree” with make sure to listen to the full episode.

We hope you listen, subscribe, and review the podcast.  If you want to apply to be a guest on the podcast, we’d love to hear from you.

The post Episode 10: A couple shares about healing from betrayal appeared first on My Love Thinks.