Bruce Chalmer's Blog

In my book Betrayal and Forgiveness, I define forgiveness as an “inside job.” Among other things, that means that you can forgive people who have committed acts of pure evil—because forgiving just means you can think about what happened without being consumed by anger or panic. Forgiveness is about healing yourself. To paraphrase Anne Lamott, forgiveness gets the rat poison out of you. Then you can think about how to handle the rat.

Defined in that way, forgiveness has essentially nothing to do with your relationship with whoever hurt you. You can forgive people you still don’t trust. You can forgive people you’ll still divorce, or sue, or prosecute. You can even forgive people you went to war against, and would do so again if necessary.

I commented in the book that this implies that I, a Jew, could forgive the Nazis.

Well, Judy and I put that to the test. We returned recently from a Jewish heritage trip to Germany. It was…well, listen and see what you think!

Do you have ideas for topics or guests for our podcast? Go to https://ctin7.com and send us a message. And you can also sign up for Dr. Chalmer’s newsletter right from our homepage.

Our sponsor is The Blue Tent: Erotic Tales from the Bible by Laria Zylber. Find out more at https://lariazylber.com.

Bruce’s latest book, Betrayal and Forgiveness: How to Navigate the Turmoil and Learn to Trust Again is available! More information at https://brucechalmer.com/betrayal-and-forgiveness/. And here’s the link to leave a review.

For the audio-only version of this podcast, visit https://ctin7.com.

More info about my book Betrayal and Forgiveness is at this link.

The post Two Jewish Boomers Visit Germany and Talk About Forgiveness appeared first on Dr. Bruce Chalmer - Help for Couples.

If you’re having trouble with sex in your relationship, you might want to consult a sex therapist, and our guest today, Dr. Emily Jamea, is precisely that. But what if it’s not about problems—what if what you want is to get past “good-enough” sex to levels you’ve only dreamed about? Well, Emily is all about that as well. Her recent book, Anatomy of Desire, describes how “flow,” as popularized by the psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, is a key to unlocking passion and desire in a couple. She talks about five secrets and how to apply them. Judy and I had a great time talking with Emily, and we think you’ll love this episode.

Emily’s website is https://emilyjamea.com/.

Do you have ideas for topics or guests for our podcast? Go to https://ctin7.com and send us a message. And you can also sign up for Dr. Chalmer’s newsletter right from our homepage.

Our sponsor is The Blue Tent: Erotic Tales from the Bible by Laria Zylber. Find out more at https://lariazylber.com.

Bruce’s latest book, Betrayal and Forgiveness: How to Navigate the Turmoil and Learn to Trust Again is now available! More information at https://brucechalmer.com/betrayal-and-forgiveness/. And here’s the link to leave a review: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?&asin=B0D4B6KL79

For the audio-only version of this podcast, visit https://ctin7.com.

More info about my book Betrayal and Forgiveness is at this link.

The post Anatomy of Desire: An Interview with Dr. Emily Jamea appeared first on Dr. Bruce Chalmer - Help for Couples.

As our guest in this episode, Charity Sinclair, puts it, “I’ve been on a lot of shit dates. No, really—literally shit dates.” Dates, she means, in which the guy was carrying around a stool sample. Or was carrying around dog shit.

And, she says, she’d take a shit date over a toxic date any time. In our conversation, Charity tells us about calling off her wedding just weeks before, when she discovered that her fiancé had been carrying on multiple relationships for years, lying and gaslighting in all of them. She writes—often hilariously—about what she learned from these and other experiences in her book We’re All Dating the Same Guy.

Charity’s website is https://sameguybook.com/podcast.

Do you have ideas for topics or guests for our podcast? Go to https://ctin7.com and send us a message. And you can also sign up for Dr. Chalmer’s newsletter right from our homepage.

Our sponsor is The Blue Tent: Erotic Tales from the Bible by Laria Zylber. Find out more at https://lariazylber.com.

Bruce’s latest book, Betrayal and Forgiveness: How to Navigate the Turmoil and Learn to Trust Again is now available! More information at https://brucechalmer.com/betrayal-and-forgiveness/. And here’s the link to leave a review: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?&asin=B0D4B6KL79

For the audio-only version of this podcast, visit https://ctin7.com.

More info about my book Betrayal and Forgiveness is at this link.

The post We’re All Dating the Same Guy: An Interview with Charity Sinclair appeared first on Dr. Bruce Chalmer - Help for Couples.

We live in polarized times. It’s hard to have conversations across the great divide—as soon as we detect signs that someone we’re talking to is on the other side, we tend to shut down our ability to hear and think about what they’re saying.

Our guest in this episode, Matt DiGeronimo, is a Navy veteran who realized when he took off the uniform that he wanted to be able to tell his grandchildren, when they ask him what he did in that turbulent era of 2025, that he did more to heal the country than simply rant on social media. Matt has developed tools to help people communicate across the divide, starting with one-on-one encounters in our living rooms and kitchen tables. His most recent book is Actualization: Becoming the Person Worthy of Your Dreams.

You can find more about Matt at https://beyondplatitudes.substack.com/.

Do you have ideas for topics or guests for our podcast? Go to https://ctin7.com and send us a message. And you can also sign up for Dr. Chalmer’s newsletter right from our homepage.

Our sponsor is The Blue Tent: Erotic Tales from the Bible by Laria Zylber. Find out more at https://lariazylber.com.

Bruce’s latest book, Betrayal and Forgiveness: How to Navigate the Turmoil and Learn to Trust Again is now available! More information at https://brucechalmer.com/betrayal-and-forgiveness/. And here’s the link to leave a review: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?&asin=B0D4B6KL79

For the audio-only version of this podcast, visit https://ctin7.com.

More info about my book Betrayal and Forgiveness is at this link.

The post My Partner Voted for “Them”! What Do I Do? An Interview with Matt DiGeronimo appeared first on Dr. Bruce Chalmer - Help for Couples.

Can a couple who have fallen out of love regain their passion for each other? What is Imago Relationship Therapy, and how can it help? Our guest in this episode, Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, is the founder of the Marriage Restoration Project, which offers intensive retreats, group workshops, and online courses.

Rabbi Slatkin’s website is https://www.themarriagerestorationproject.com/.

Do you have ideas for topics or guests for our podcast? Go to https://ctin7.com and send us a message. And you can also sign up for Dr. Chalmer’s newsletter right from our homepage.

Our sponsor is The Blue Tent: Erotic Tales from the Bible by Laria Zylber. Find out more at https://lariazylber.com.

Bruce’s latest book, Betrayal and Forgiveness: How to Navigate the Turmoil and Learn to Trust Again is now available! More information at https://brucechalmer.com/betrayal-and-forgiveness/. And here’s the link to leave a review: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?&asin=B0D4B6KL79

For the audio-only version of this podcast, visit https://ctin7.com.

More info about my book Betrayal and Forgiveness is at this link.

The post The Marriage Restoration Project: An Interview with Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin appeared first on Dr. Bruce Chalmer - Help for Couples.

What would you do if you found out at your father’s funeral that he had been betraying your mother by having affairs? Your father, whom you had loved, honored, and trusted? Recently I’ve talked with several people in similar situations. Judy and I talk about how they might work on healing from that kind of betrayal.

We also talk about a dilemma a woman wrote to the NY Times Ethicist column about: Should she reveal to her adopted cousin that she (the cousin) was the product of an incestuous relationship? The article we refer to in this episode is at https://www.nytimes.com/2025/03/14/magazine/adoption-incest-secret-ethics.html.

Do you have ideas for topics or guests for our podcast? Go to https://ctin7.com and send us a message. And you can also sign up for Dr. Chalmer’s newsletter right from our homepage.

Our sponsor is The Blue Tent: Erotic Tales from the Bible by Laria Zylber. Find out more at https://lariazylber.com.

Bruce’s latest book, Betrayal and Forgiveness: How to Navigate the Turmoil and Learn to Trust Again is available! More information at https://brucechalmer.com/betrayal-and-forgiveness/. And here’s the link to leave a review.

For the audio-only version of this podcast, visit https://ctin7.com.

More info about my book Betrayal and Forgiveness is at this link.

The post I Found Out At His Funeral That My Father Had Been Cheating! appeared first on Dr. Bruce Chalmer - Help for Couples.

Do you ever find yourself drowning in digital stimulation and demand? How does digital overwhelm in work life relate to life as a couple? Our guest in this episode is Craig Mattson, a professor of communication who has studied the disconnection and intensity many workers feel in their work lives. And as a person of faith, Craig has invoked teachings from biblical texts as relevant to these very modern issues, in ways that we (Bruce and Judy) find fascinating. Let us know what you think!

Craig’s website is https://www.themodeswitch.com/.

Do you have ideas for topics or guests for our podcast? Go to https://ctin7.com and send us a message. And you can also sign up for Dr. Chalmer’s newsletter right from our homepage.

Our sponsor is The Blue Tent: Erotic Tales from the Bible by Laria Zylber. Find out more at https://lariazylber.com.

Bruce’s latest book, Betrayal and Forgiveness: How to Navigate the Turmoil and Learn to Trust Again is now available! More information at https://brucechalmer.com/betrayal-and-forgiveness/. And here’s the link to leave a review: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?&asin=B0D4B6KL79

For the audio-only version of this podcast, visit https://ctin7.com.

More info about my book Betrayal and Forgiveness is at this link.

The post Digital Overwhelm: An Interview with Craig Mattson appeared first on Dr. Bruce Chalmer - Help for Couples.

Our guest in this episode, Leah Spasova, is the CEO of LifeSexperts, which offers coaching and training to individuals, couples, and organizations about healthy relationships. We talk with her about her multi-layered approach to helping couples with sex and relationship issues.

Leah’s website is https://www.lifesexperts.com/.

Do you have ideas for topics or guests for our podcast? Go to https://ctin7.com and send us a message. And you can also sign up for Dr. Chalmer’s newsletter right from our homepage.

Our sponsor is The Blue Tent: Erotic Tales from the Bible by Laria Zylber. Find out more at https://lariazylber.com.

Bruce’s latest book, Betrayal and Forgiveness: How to Navigate the Turmoil and Learn to Trust Again is now available! More information at https://brucechalmer.com/betrayal-and-forgiveness/. And here’s the link to leave a review: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?&asin=B0D4B6KL79

For the audio-only version of this podcast, visit https://ctin7.com.

More info about my book Betrayal and Forgiveness is at this link.

The post Intimacy, Sex, and Relationships: An Interview with Leah Spasova appeared first on Dr. Bruce Chalmer - Help for Couples.

We’ve had many wonderful guests, and like parents with their children, I don’t want to compare them. But I do think this is one of our most important episodes.

Our guest, Wilk Wilkinson, is a Christian conservative who has taken on the mission of helping this country heal from what he terms toxic polarity. Through his own “Derate the Hate” podcast, as well as his work as a volunteer with Braver Angels and the Prohuman Foundation, Wilk fosters respectful conversation among people across the political spectrum.

Wilk’s website is https://deratethehate.com/

Do you have ideas for topics or guests for our podcast? Go to https://ctin7.com and send us a message. And you can also sign up for Dr. Chalmer’s newsletter right from our homepage.

Our sponsor is The Blue Tent: Erotic Tales from the Bible by Laria Zylber. Find out more at https://lariazylber.com.

Bruce’s latest book, Betrayal and Forgiveness: How to Navigate the Turmoil and Learn to Trust Again is now available! More information at https://brucechalmer.com/betrayal-and-forgiveness/. And here’s the link to leave a review: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?&asin=B0D4B6KL79

For the audio-only version of this podcast, visit https://ctin7.com.

More info about my book Betrayal and Forgiveness is at this link.

The post Derate the Hate: An Interview with Wilk Wilkinson appeared first on Dr. Bruce Chalmer - Help for Couples.

We’ve had many wonderful guests, and like parents with their children, I don’t want to compare them. But I do think this is one of our most important episodes.

Our guest, Wilk Wilkinson, is a Christian conservative who has taken on the mission of helping this country heal from what he terms toxic polarity. Through his own “Derate the Hate” podcast, as well as his work as a volunteer with Braver Angels and the Prohuman Foundation, Wilk fosters respectful conversation among people across the political spectrum.

Wilk’s website is https://deratethehate.com/

Do you have ideas for topics or guests for our podcast? Go to https://ctin7.com and send us a message. And you can also sign up for Dr. Chalmer’s newsletter right from our homepage.

Our sponsor is The Blue Tent: Erotic Tales from the Bible by Laria Zylber. Find out more at https://lariazylber.com.

Bruce’s latest book, Betrayal and Forgiveness: How to Navigate the Turmoil and Learn to Trust Again is now available! More information at https://brucechalmer.com/betrayal-and-forgiveness/. And here’s the link to leave a review: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review?&asin=B0D4B6KL79

For the audio-only version of this podcast, visit https://ctin7.com.

More info about my book Betrayal and Forgiveness is at this link.

The post Derate the Hate: An Interview with Wilk Willinson appeared first on Dr. Bruce Chalmer - Help for Couples.