Brandon Ellrich's Blog

Moving to a new home and a request from my followers

I haven’t been posting much on WordPress for a while. I’m trying to earn a living as a freelance writer, so I must go where my writing has monetary value. I’ve been mostly blogging on Medium for two years, but now I’m writing my higher-quality articles on Substack.

If you’re not familiar with the platform, it allows readers to subscribe to writers’ publications they enjoy reading. Most writers offer a free option but ask their subscribers to support them financially if they like their content.

Most (if not all) of my content will be free. However, it will include the request for followers to upgrade to a paid subscription.

Building an audience on a new platform can be challenging and it takes time. Several of my fellow writers on Medium have joined me on Substack, but they don’t make up a large portion.

Substack offers the option to import email subscribers from other platforms. I thought of doing that with my WordPress subscribers.

I have different thoughts on this:

Feels a bit “spammy” since they’re receiving the email from another source.Those who subscribe to my email list want to receive my writing, so does it matter what platform it comes from?It may turn off followers, causing me to lose them.I could add emails individually for those who want it.

So, I’m asking for your opinions. How do you feel about continuing to receive my articles via another platform?

I appreciate thoughts and comments you have about this. I’ve been part of a great community here and I value your feedback.

I just started a new publication and I’m calling it Psychoramble if you’d like to check it out.

Thanks!

They’re cute, they’re innocent, and they’re monsters.Photo by Erik Mclean

The holidays are approaching, which for many of us, means time with family. If you have any children at your gatherings, you may be more conscious (and conscientious) of being single and/or child-free.

If you look forward to one day becoming a parent, I advise you to avoid the remainder of this article. It may destroy your dreams. I describe here a situation that is in no way exaggerated or satirical — well, maybe a little.

Read on, if you must, but be ye warned.

I’ve seen the faces of evil

Have you felt pressure from your parents or in-laws to give them little munchkins who will call them Memaw and Pawpaw? If you want to show them good reasons why you’ve decided not to have children, meet my sister’s kids. They’re monsters.

Tolerating them would be so much easier if they looked like monsters. Unfortunately, they’re the cutest little things you ever saw.

One boy has naturally wavy blond hair and rosy cheeks. His brother looks similar, but with tighter curls, and their cute little sister is only five so of course, she says “the darndest things.”

I have special powers that their parents, obviously, do not. When these imps don’t get their way, I can see past their facades of cuteness and detect the evil within them.

Their telltale horns protrude from beneath their silken hair. Their banshee-like shrieks reverberate throughout my entire being while going undetected by their parents.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing, to be sure.

Mealtime

At our family dinners, food is the focal point. Though we have a large family, the amount of food made for our gathering would feed India for the foreseeable future.

Yet, the parents of the demon children can’t seem to find anything that their darlings are willing to consume. Nevertheless, a well-balanced plate of food is placed in front of them.

“I’m done,” one of the boys announces after two bites.

“Eat all the vegetables first,” his well-meaning mother says, “and then you can go play.”

“I’m full!” he declares.

This may not be a lie, as he’s already eaten more confections than Cookie Monster in his 58-year career. They were laid out on the dessert table before dinner by my parents who naively assumed all the children would know and obey the rule of no dessert before dinner.

“Eat two more bites,” his mother says.

Notice the requirement changes as “all the vegetables” turns into “two more bites.”

The golden-haired child disembarks from the table. He probably reasons that canola oil was used in the brownies, which should suffice for his allotment of vegetables for one day.

And who needs vegetables anyway? The sugar high he’s on should propel him through next Friday.

“I don’t want them.”

Ah, the truth emerges — he’s not full. Plus, he must save room for an after-dinner dessert.

“Please get back in the chair and eat your veggies,” his mother suggests.

Part of the innocent facade melts away, and a facial contortion replaces his angelic countenance. A wail escapes from deep within.

“One…” his mother begins.

Oh, boy. Here comes the counting.

“Twooooooo…”

You could’ve fit five Mississippi’s between one and two.

“I mean it.”

No, you don’t.

“Threeeeee…”

The wails become louder, eclipsing all other conversations in the room.

“Everybody is staring at you.”

He doesn’t care.

“Okay, but you can’t have any dessert,” she warns.

Good one. Perhaps the chocolate smeared across his face wasn’t enough of a giveaway that he already had his dessert.

The wailing stops as if flipped by a switch as he is quickly alerted to the possibility of another dessert. The halo reappears above his head as he returns to his place at the table. He pushes the food around his plate until his mother returns to the adult table.

After sufficient time elapses, Lucifer hops down from the chair without finishing his meal and runs out of the room. His mother opens her mouth to say something but falls silent as she rolls her eyes and shakes her head in resignation.

The child’s pre-dinner dessert and meager meal will eventually conclude with a frosted cupcake (or two).

Gorgons

I’m probably making the scenario out to be more endearing than the reality. As pleasant as it sounds to be the caretakers of these heavenly stars of light and joy, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

Remember, I’m describing an interaction with only one of these angels. Just like Medusa, this lovely child has two siblings with similar intentions of overthrowing all democracy and decency throughout the world.

After the meal, the rest of the evening is filled with phrases from the parents, like “Go ask your mother” and “Go ask your father” and lies from the child, like “Dad said I could” and “I didn’t do it!”

The parents’ belief in their children’s levels of integrity is admirable but grossly misaligned.

Since I’m their uncle, I have no choice but to love them. Fortunately, I can do so from a safe distance. I can observe their antics and deviousness without being involved.

I’m not required nor compelled to allow them into my home for any significant time. I’m convinced that, like vampires, one must invite them into his home for them to gain access before sucking the life force from his body.

A valuable lesson

I’m grateful to these and other children like them. Whenever I feel unfulfilled, or believe my life is missing the pitter-patter of little feet, an evening with my nieces and nephews dispels such nonsense.

Growing up gay in a conservative family, I’ve had enough people trying to use guilt and other manipulation techniques to get me to do things I don’t want to do throughout my life. I certainly don’t need rapscallion children torturing me.

You may be fortunate enough not to have experienced such wickedness. Perhaps the children you’ve seen have all been paragons of virtue and had Amish-like obedience.

If you decide to birth what Robin Wilding  calls “flesh potatoes,” they may turn out as beloved gems. However, please remember this statistic:

Only one in 10 children in North America turn out as decent human beings.
– Unsubstantiated Fake News Source (a.k.a. author’s opinion)

If you’re a gambler, you may throw caution to the wind and decide to create your own little monsters. In which case, this article has all been for naught.

Just don’t come crying to me when the smell of garlic repels you and you can’t see your reflection in the mirror.

By the way, don’t show this to my sister. She may not appreciate the humor.

Thanks for reading!

*Original version published in Life Without Children on Medium.

A Living History MuseumYes, I know I look like a dork. Author’s photo

Missouri Town is a living history museum located in Jackson County, Missouri. It’s about 30 acres containing over 25 buildings dating from 1822–1860. The buildings came from several different counties around Missouri. They were moved or reassembled here, restored, and furnished with items and furniture from the period.

You walk through this town on a graveled path taking in the landscape, buildings, and livestock. There are homes, outhouses, shops, barns, a tavern, a schoolhouse, and a church.

Author’s photo

The General Mercantile is a shop containing canned goods, eggs, fruits, vegetables, and other items.

Author’s photo

There’s an old cash register and scale on the counter.

Author’s photo

Some of the homes were very basic. Not many could afford frivolous decor.

Author’s photo

Others had amenities, though by today’s standards, they’re still probably viewed as basic. The workers actually cook in the fireplace during events at Missouri Town.

Author’s photo

There was a small schoolhouse as well. I doubt many students today could even recognize the cursive letters and Roman numerals on the board.

Author’s photo

We also saw sheep, cows, chickens, and horses.

He’s like me — the black sheep of the family. Author’s photo

It was late afternoon/early evening when we were there, and it was time for the sheep to come out and graze. We witnessed the mini “stampede” of sheep.

Author’s video–Source: YouTube

The rooster wanted to make his presence known.

Author’s video–Source: YouTube

The tavern wasn’t the type you might imagine. There was a piano in the corner, which sadly, wasn’t in working order.

Author’s photoAuthor’s photo

Upstairs were two bedrooms — one for women and one for men. You can probably guess which is which as the men’s room is very plain.

Author’s photoAuthor’s photo

Here’s the blacksmith’s workshop. You can see the blacksmith’s “apprentice” in one corner, but my phone’s camera did something funky with it.

Author’s photo

There was a two-story house on one end of the property that wasn’t open at the time because they were doing renovations for a Christmas event. It would be interesting to tour it someday, so I may go back again.

If you’re ever in the Kansas City area, I recommend checking it out. Visit their website for more information.

*Originally published in New Writer’s Welcome on Medium.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this article, please leave a comment and follow me for more.

A Feline NonetPhoto by author

Cats
Felines
Furry friends
Purring partners
Kissable kittens
Mischievous meowers
Careful, cautious calico
Ferociously feisty furballs
Curiously cuddly companions

*Originally published in The Poetry Playground on Medium.

A nonet is a poem with nine lines. The first line includes only one syllable, the second line has two, and so on until the last line of nine. It can also be written in reverse form (like the one above).

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this feline nonet, please leave a comment and follow me for more.

One of these jobs may not make you a headliner, but you’ll be “famous-adjacent”Photo by Hannah Smith on Unsplash

Do you recognize the classic novels associated with these ads?

WANTED: Sitter for Lunatic Wife

Need position filled ASAP!

No prior experience or education is required, though past dog sitting may prove helpful. Previous work as an exorcist’s assistant automatically lands an interview. Must be at least 18 years of age, strong in mind and body, and unsympathetic.

Duties include:

FeedingChanging chamber potOccasional cleaning of the secret roomWashing clothing and bed linens

Wife usually doesn’t bite, but don’t put it past her. Ignore pleas for help unless you smell smoke. Don’t listen to anything she says, as she’s a lunatic and cannot be believed. If you cannot ignore her cries, wear earplugs.

Discretion is a must. If anyone asks about voices from the attic, tell them it’s haunted.

No drinking on the job!

Pay: Free room and board in a beautiful mansion, plus 30 pounds per annum.

Send letter of intent to:

Edward Rochester,
Thornfield Hall

Wanted: Farm Animals

Farmer needs to replenish his stock of animals for a new farm. Sheep, horses, geese, cows, chickens, and dogs are all needed.

Requirements for animals:

Must be illiterateNo leadership or organizational skillsNo drinking alcoholNO PIGS!

Contact:

Mr. Jones
New Manor Farm, England

WANTED: Roommate/Detective’s Assistant

Must be well-educated. An advanced degree in the medical field or psychology is required. However, you must at least appear to be less knowledgeable than the detective himself. No showboating.

Duties include:

Accompanying detective on any and all casesAsking questions to which you may or may not know the answerConfirming the detective’s brilliance when discovering clues

Pay: The satisfaction of working with the world’s leading sleuth

Apply in person:

Sherlock Holmes
221B Baker Street
London, England

Wanted: Travel Companion

Brave and reliable travel partner/bodyguard needed for journey to Mount Doom in Mordor. No previous experience is required, but swordsmanship is preferred.

Must not have a fear of:

OrcsGiant spidersGoblinsRingwraiths and other ghosts or undead creaturesDeath

Package delivery is of utmost importance.

Payment:

Gold, jewels, and notoriety throughout all of Middle Earth

Reply to:

Frodo Baggins
Bag End
Hobbiton, Shire

Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=1948037

Originally published on November 29, 2023 in Funny, Inc. on Medium.

It really sneaks up on youHere’s one of the culprits. Don’t let her innocent look fool you. Photo by Author

If you have cats, you know they like to claim territories. Your house becomes theirs and you don’t push back because you love them. If you have children (first of all, why?), the cats take second place but if you don’t, you begin to alter your lifestyle to accommodate these finicky felines.

If you find yourself in any of the following situations, it’s too late for you. You might as well start licking your hand and wiping it across your face. If not, there’s still time. Volunteer at your local animal shelter or visit a cat cafe, but whatever you do, don’t bring one home or you’re doomed.

If you recognize any of these scenarios, seek professional help.

The cats are in charge if…

In the kitchen, you drop a pan or make a loud noise and call out, “Sorry!” because the cats are napping.

You decide to relax in your favorite chair, but you choose a different seat because a cat is in yours and you dare not move her.

Your cats wake you up before sunrise to feed them, and you are NOT a morning person, but you do it anyway because that’s when they’ve decided it’s time to eat.

“Cat allergies” has become a dealbreaker in your dating criteria.

When someone says they feed their feline Cat Chow, you immediately become angry because you’ve thoroughly researched every brand and even though it’s not your cat, you know they deserve better.

More of your money goes to vet bills than any doctor you’ve ever seen for your own healthcare — medical, dental, and optometry, combined.

On a rare night out with friends (if you have any left), you stay out later than usual, and you worry that your cats will wonder where you are.

Your Amazon cart always has cat toys in “Saved for later,” and you already have a basket full of them at home.

You bolt upright in bed because you distinctly hear a meow of distress but after checking on everyone, you realize it was only a dream.

You spend more time deciding between two cat toys than you do when buying your own clothes.

A cookie falls to the floor, you pick it up, pluck off a cat hair, and eat the cookie anyway because you’ve given up.

Can you relate to any of these? Please say yes; otherwise, I’ve got a problem.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this article, click the like button, leave a comment, and follow me for more.

Edited from original post published in Catness on Medium.

If you liked this article, you may like my other cat posts.

We abused Thanksgiving long enough

Originally published in Contemplate

Created by Author in Picsart

You may have seen previews or even watched the movie Thanksgiving, about a weird-looking pilgrim on a murderous rampage. That may appear more like a documentary to many Native Americans, but that’s another topic. What you’re about to read here is more frightening than a hatchet-wielding man with a buckle on his hat.

Can We Still Call It Pizza?

I remember a time during my childhood when I first heard of a breakfast pizza. It contains sausage, eggs, cheese, and white gravy instead of marinara. It all goes together, so it wasn’t much of a stretch to incorporate it into your breakfast routine. Calling it a pizza might have been difficult to digest, but it’s still around today, so apparently, people like it.

Then, along came Mexican pizza. This is one of my favorites. It’s also a slap in the face of Mexicans and Italians.

Someone — probably Martha Stewart — came up with the dessert or fruit pizza. The first one I ever had was from Godfather’s Pizza — apple strudel, I think. It’s apple pie filling spread on a pizza crust, topped with brown sugar and oatmeal, drizzled with icing. I can’t say anything bad about this one.

I held my tongue when I heard about people putting pineapple and ham on a pizza. I thought it was a little odd, but I was willing to try it. Turns out it’s not so bad.

Some people are adamant that pineapple shouldn’t find itself on a pizza. If you’re one of those people, I hope you took your blood pressure medicine this morning because you’re about to have a conniption.

A Ruined Holiday

Families ruined Thanksgiving. They now use this time of togetherness as an amphitheater while they stand on their soapboxes, spewing their political opinions as facts.

Aunts ask their nephews how much money they make and inform them that writing isn’t a real job. During the pre-dinner prayer, mothers subtly slip in a request for their gay sons to find a nice girl to settle down with finally. Fathers insist that everyone tries his oyster dressing. What, that doesn’t happen in every family? My mistake.

The point is that this is now a dreaded holiday where feelings of guilt, obligation, and resentment abound. Well, Thanksgiving had enough and decided to take revenge by striking back at selfish American families through their favorite food — pizza.

Enter stage left: DiGiorno’s Thanksgiving Pizza. Though much of this article is satirical, I’m sorry to tell you this is real. If you decide to continue reading, please don’t sue me for the cost of your electronic device after you barf all over it.

Are you ready for it? I don’t think you are. I’ll give you a moment…

The delectable toppings of this pizza include all your favorites: turkey, creamy gravy sauce, green beans, diced sweet potatoes, cranberries (had enough?), crispy onions, and two kinds of cheeses. After all, what’s a Thanksgiving dinner without mozzarella and cheddar cheese sprinkled all over the top?

I visited the company’s website, and unfortunately(?), it’s currently sold out. I’m sorry — or you’re welcome.

If you can get your hands on one of these frozen fiascos, it may be exactly what you need. Serve it at your Thanksgiving table this year, and your rotten relatives may never come back.

The Future of Thanksgiving — and Pizza — is in Jeopardy

As long as we disrespect Thanksgiving, it will continue to come after us. Don’t be surprised to see Blue Bunny Thanksgiving ice cream in a freezer near you.

We need to take serious measures to put Thanksgiving back in its place. Write your senator and other lawmakers. They need to enact a bill that limits this holiday. It needs to have a catchy title to — well, catch on. “Don’t Say Gay” gained popularity because of its rhyme, I’m sure. We can’t have that many ignorant Americans in this country, can we? Don’t answer that.

If you have a good suggestion for this new bill, let me know in the comment section. If not, we may have to revive an oldie — “Just Say No to Thanksgiving Pizza.”

And speaking of pizza, this blending of lines is getting out of hand. Should we make an Asian-style pizza next? In place of marinara, spread some oyster sauce on a crust, add some shrimp and lo mein noodles, and then throw some wontons on top. While we’re at it, let’s drizzle some teriyaki sauce over all of it. Too much? Nonsense. We haven’t even added the cheese.

This one comes with the bonus of a fortune cookie. I can already tell your fortune, though.

You will look back on this day with much regret, questioning all your life’s choices and future endeavors.

…in bed.

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think every ingredient belongs on a round, baked crust. DiGiorno and Thanksgiving need to stay in their own lanes.

It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno — and it’s DiSgusting.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please click the like button, leave a comment, and subscribe.

When you need to make a change, look at the trees.Photo by Author

I don’t take a lot of photos. I love looking at other people’s work, but I don’t think I’m a bad amateur photographer, either. I simply don’t think about taking pictures very often. I miss many photo opportunities that are right in front of me.

Well, I decided to go for a little stroll, and I looked for scenes that have eluded my gaze thus far. Fall, of course, is a perfect season for photography, so I don’t want this one to pass me by without putting forth some effort to capture its essence.

The Beauty of Death

Many people gaze in awe at the vibrant colors of Autumn. The leaves and trees seem to come alive with new hues. Yet, these colors signify the complete opposite — death.

This isn’t a negative occurrence, though. Sometimes we need to die to ourselves. In order to become more enlightened, we must release that which brings us down.

The trees let go of their dead parts, which no longer fill them with life and nourishment. Their leaves fall off, and the trees stand bare and vulnerable as they contemplate their next stage of life.

The leaves litter the ground and as footsteps crackle and crunch, the sounds echo what once was. In time, death turns to decay and becomes only a memory.

After a sufficient amount of time, the trees begin to grow again, forming new leaves that bring forth life and love. Then, they produce the fruit that shows the progress they’ve made.

The trees become new, joyful, and alive.

Pictures of Autumn

On November 4, Chelsea Marie highlighted and clapped for one of my stories. I had never interacted with her before, so I went to her page (as I often do when someone follows me or engages with me somehow). I read her latest “Non-fiction Writing Prompt,” which you can find here:

Non-Fiction Writing Prompts — Week Forty-Five Writing prompts for November 5th to 11th medium.com

Prompt #2 is: “Go for a nature walk and share photos and information on how autumn shows itself in your town.”

I’d already gone for a walk and taken the pictures so all that was left was to share them with you. Thank you for the prompt, Chelsea. I’m not on the level of great photographers like Bridgette, but I hope you enjoy these anyway.

Here are my contributions (including the one at the top).

Photo by AuthorPhoto by AuthorPhoto by AuthorPhoto by AuthorPhoto by AuthorI used the “spin” effect to represent the fact that even as death occurs, the world keeps spinning anyway. Photo by Author

Sometimes I’m grateful for death. Are you? Do you have dead leaves that you need to release? Are you ready for a new season in your life?

Sometimes our fruits — our talents — go unnoticed, unused, and unappreciated. They shrivel and die, and we wonder if we should give up.

Shake off the dead, let it crumble at your feet, and become a new person, brimming with life and love.

*Originally published on November 6, 2023, in Soul Magazine on Medium.

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please leave a comment and follow me. You can also check out my profile on Medium.

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A trip can be almost anything. You can take a trip to the grocery store or a trip down memory lane. A holiday is a bit longer. The Brits use this term as Americans would use vacation. I always think of a holiday as a specific day of the year. Vacation is the longest version of these excursions.

To put it a different way…

Trip

A trip can be a short clip to sip a caffeinated drip. Or you can flip the script and equip a ship to skip from your township. But here’s a tip: when the wind whips, don’t lose your grip and slip and break a hip.

Holiday

A holiday is a special day like Christmas Day or Easter, say. You can choose to stay or go away without delay to your parent’s place or your Great Aunt Fay’s. If you’ve stayed as a company slave for decades, you may hear your boss relay that you’ve got leeway and you may have the day with pay!

Vacation

The explanation of a vacation includes — a creation to provide recreation when your patience reaches limitation. You pack your bags and medication. You fill up your tank at the gas station and scream with frustration at the high inflation. Your kids start bickering with no causation and you stop the car with no hesitation to address the situation. Your imagination has the ideation that you suddenly regret procreation.

You relate the information in stern castigation (for the eighth reiteration) that this exploration will only resume continuation with the stipulation that their barbarisation must reach cessation or receive the implementation of penalization. Once you reach your destination, you follow your itineration for the optimization of punctuation and organization.

When your participation has reached the maximization of excitation, the visualization becomes an actualization of civilization.

Your finalization of relaxation reaches familiarization at home.

Have I cleared everything up?

Good.

*Originally published on Medium

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please click the like button and leave a comment. Follow me if you want to receive updates whenever new posts are published. You should also sign up to receive emails whenever I post an article so you don’t miss any.

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If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I haven’t been posting a lot of articles on WordPress very often. I was, and still am gaining followers and had a lot of great interactions with many writers, but like everyone else, I have bills to pay.

I began a freelance writing job in the fall of last year. It’s been going well, and I’m glad to be able to say that I’m earning a living by writing. I used to think that I would become a famous author and earn tons of money. That’s the dream, right? Haha.

I’m still doing what I love but in a different way. I’m an animal lover, and so for IkoBrands, I began writing for Calming Dog. Not surprisingly, it’s all about methods and products that help you to calm your anxious dog. Yes, there are dogs with anxiety–especially after people returned to work following lockdowns.

After several months of that, I switched over to writing for Cattitude Daily. This, of course, is all about cats. Subjects on this site include health, behaviors, and product recommendations. There are also photos and editorials. This subject is more appropriate for me because I currently have two cats, who are featured in a few of the articles.

If you would like to check out any of the articles, I created a Freelance Writing Portfolio with links to all of my articles. Calming Dog doesn’t list individual authors of their articles, so I included separate links for those. On Cattitude Daily, my name is connected to the articles I’ve written.

If you have dogs and/or cats–and even if you don’t–I hope you’ll check out these sites. There’s a lot of helpful information for any pet parent.

I also blog on Medium to make money, but you must be a paying member in order to read the stories. A while back, I started including an optional donation box at the bottom of my pages too. I’m doing everything I can to earn a living totally from my writing. So far, it’s going well.

I’ll try to read and comment on my fellow bloggers’ posts when I have time. I’ve appreciated the community here and it’s been great to be part of it!

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please click the like button and leave a comment. Follow me if you want to receive updates whenever new posts are published.

If you want to read more about my cats, read Caturday Story or 7 Life Lessons I Learned From My Cats. To see other cute Caturday pictures, poems, and videos, click on Animals in the main menu.