Meg Ludwa's Blog

That’s right, folks-

VALKYRIE IS BEING MADE INTO AN AUDIOBOOK!

The lovely people at Tantor Media are currently in the process of recording and producing the Valkyrie audiobook, with a (hopeful) release by the end of 2021. I’ve heard the first few audio snippets, and it is just- *chef kiss* SO GOOD.

So stay tuned for more details about the release date and how to snag a copy! I’m also working on the manuscript for book #2 of the Valkyrie series and hope to post an update later for that as well!

Thank you all so much for the continued support- you’re all amazing.

Ah yes… it’s that time of year again: National Novel Writing Month (notoriously known as NaNoWriMo).

Every writer knows about this overwhelming challenge that rears its monstrous head every November: 50,000 words in 30 days- roughly 1,667 words a day. I completed the NaNoWriMo challenge in 2017 and let me tell you, it was amazing and daunting. Hitting 1,667 a day is impressive for any writer, but this daily goal becomes especially difficult when you’re already precariously navigating work, school, fitness/self-care, or family obligations. Now, repeat that daily word count and life-juggling act for 30 days. It is no small feat.

You may look at this challenge and think “why would anyone do this to themselves?” Every writer has their own reason for diving headfirst into this month-long slog and, if I’m being honest, I originally wasn’t going to participate this year (because yeah, it’s hard!). It wasn’t until I was chatting with a writer friend of mine (Hey, Kilroy!) in late October, when he asked me how my writing was progressing since publishing my first novel the month before, that it struck me:

I was stuck. Like, really fucking stuck. I released Valkyrie in early September and spent so much time and energy clawing my way through the business of self-publishing that, when the time came to begin writing the sequel, I found myself paralyzed. I would sit down to work on the outline and be filled with unsettling anxiety and uncertainty:

·         What if the readers don’t like where I take the characters?

·         What if the character development is garbage?

·         What if the plot falls flat?

·         What if my writing isn’t as good as the first book?

·         What if I disappoint the readers who enjoyed the first book?

·         What if my first book was a fluke, and I’m actually just a shit writer?

I was drowning in self-doubt, and that self-doubt had crippled me.

In steps my friend Kilroy with his suggestion to participate in NaNoWriMo. What better way to jump-start your writing, he suggested, than to hurl yourself into an environment where you literally do not have time to second-guess your choices. When you have 30 days to write 50k words, you don’t have time to constantly go back and edit what you’ve already written, you don’t have the time to obsess over perfection. You just… write. It’s as simple (and hard) as that.

So that is exactly what I did. I bit down my self-doubt, took a deep breath, and dove in. I embraced the chaos of it all and braced for the imminent stress that would accompany it.

I even bought a NaNoWriMo crewneck for motivation. (It is my new favorite item of clothing)

I started the otherwise daunting month like a champ- my character’s dialogue flowed, plot points hit scene after scene, and I crushed my daily 1,667 word count every single day. Sure, election week, and the precarious thread of democracy that still feels ready to snap at any moment, unnerved me and knocked me off-balance. My creative focus took a hit, but I pushed through it and celebrated my first week of NaNoWriMo with a dangerously premature sense of confidence.

My stupid-confidence carried me into week two, when life slowly began chipping away at my resolve. I would wake up in the mornings to exercise before work, put in my hours either in the office or teleworking, and then plug away at my scrappy manuscript. I was carrying on with a steady clip until life knocked on my door:  both my father-in-law and grandmother were diagnosed with COVID-19. My father-in-law was in the ICU, my grandmother was hospitalized and on oxygen. My grandfather later also tested positive for COVID. My wife and I discussed the possibility of taking emergency leave from work to fly back to the United States to be with our families. We were afraid for other loved ones who were exposed. In that same week, a friend from high school died suddenly, and his passing struck me harder than I anticipated it would. I cried a lot that week, and getting my daily word count was no longer a priority. My writing suffered and I fell behind. But I kept pushing and found some solace in losing myself in characters that I love. By the end of the week, both my father-in-law and grandmother were thankfully getting better and released from the hospital. We breathed a sigh of relief, and I rolled into my third week of NaNoWriMo with a story that was finally taking shape.

Week three. Fucking week three. I plugged away every damn day to reach my daily word count; some days I clapped my hands and told my wife “I did it!”, and other days I rubbed my hands in my face muttering “just 500 more words…”. My job became particularly busy during this week, and finding the energy to eek my way through 1,667 words every evening became increasingly challenging. And then life kicked down my door again:  my father-in-law was readmitted to the hospital for a second time, and his mother was rushed into the ICU and put on a ventilator after her own COVID-19 diagnosis. It breaks my heart to share that there is a narrow chance for her recovery. My heart hurt for my wife and her mother. I was also worried for my own grandparents who were isolating at home, with my grandmother still quite ill and on oxygen. Every night we went to sleep worried for our loved ones back home, and every morning we awoke afraid to check our phones for updates. (BONUS HEARTBREAK: my mother broke the news to my sister and me that our beloved ancient family cat, who I brought home when I was a sophomore in HS, was being put down for medical reasons. I’ll always love you, Kelly

How in the hell am I supposed to focus on writing in this emotional headspace?! I was Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the mountain, and either the climb was becoming steeper or I was becoming weaker. I fell behind on my word count by almost 4,000 words, and I knew I had to spend my remaining weekends and Thanksgiving holiday clawing to catch-up.

And then November 20th happened. That Friday was especially strenuous at work, and I returned home emotionally and mentally exhausted. I laid down on the couch and couldn’t bring myself to get back up again. Even though I was behind on my word count, I resigned to give myself a break that night by playing some video games online with some friends and a gin and tonic. And yep, you guessed it, life came at me again! My mother left a voice message over our family group chat telling us that my grandmother was admitted to the hospital again for complications with her COVID symptoms. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I went to sleep with a raging headache that was still drumming when I awoke the next morning. I sat on the couch in front of my laptop, deflated and empty knowing how much harder I would have to work to reach my 50,000 word in time. It was in that moment that reluctantly decided:

I’ve done enough. It’s time to stop.

The decision to step away from NaNoWriMo hinged on choosing to complete the 50,000 words or pursuing self-care, and I chose self-care. It was not a decision I made lightly, as I hate quitting and will often sacrifice my own well-being if it means I can reach a goal. But I know it was the right decision because instead of disappointment, all I feel is a sweeping wave of relief.

Did I fail to reach 50,000 words within 30 days? Yes, I did. In that metric, I have failed NaNoWriMo and I’m not ashamed to admit that. It happens.

But did I fail to fulfill the purpose behind NaNoWriMo? Absolutely not! I began this challenge crippled with self-doubt, unable to even map the trajectory of my book’s plot from beginning to end. I was lost and creatively paralyzed. NaNoWriMo provided me the jumper cables to shock me back into my senses, and I’m now 30,000 words closer to a more complete draft with a clear path of where I want to take my characters. NaNoWriMo has given me direction and helped me set a regular writing schedule again. Except now instead of 1,667 words, I can focus instead on just doing what I can depending on what life throws at me.

So please, if you did not finish your NaNoWriMo 50k word count goal, do not beat yourself up! Because no matter how far you got in your manuscript, you made progress. Whether its in setting a more regular writing habit, tossing aside perfection or getting bogged down in editing, or getting the first heavy chunk of your story down on paper- you did that, and you should be proud of yourself.

Keep going, and keep writing. And please, above all else, take care of yourself.

(And for fuck’s sake, wear a mask)

It's been a month since launching my first novel! I talk about the experience so far while losing my cool over Getting Over It. 'Valkyrie', available here! h...

I’m an anxious person by nature. Whether it’s venturing into crowded public spaces, exercising in front of others at the gym, enduring new social situations (work conferences are my worst nightmare), traveling by air, or simply finding a parking spot when my wife and I are out shopping- I am riddled with anxiety. It’s a hoot.

Writing a novel- and going through the work of launching your author career by publishing the damn thing- is absolutely no exception. I finished that final chapter, stared blankly at my finished manuscript, and thought:  OH GOD. NOW WHAT?

My palms sweat. My skin crawled. The clench of my jaw spurring a dull, throbbing headache as my heart rate spiked. Anxiety. Sure, I was happy that my novel, after five arduous years, was finally complete- but I was afraid! My thoughts raced out of control.

What am I going to do from here?

Is anyone going to even want to read this?

What if this falls flat and all of this was for nothing?

Which brings me to my first step:

1. MAINTAIN SELF-AWARENESS

Firstly, let me just say that I am not a mental health professional and anything I say here is merely advice based on my own experience. I recommend and strongly encourage seeking professional help for any mental health concerns you may have.

With that said- You have to know yourself! Maintaining self-awareness gives you the clarity to recognize when you get sucked into self-destructive patterns of behavior and thinking. Recognizing these red flags can help you catch yourself early in that downward, anxious spiral and helps you practice self-care to hopefully prevent any further escalation. This step is hard, believe me.

Two of my favorite coping mechanisms are breathing and sensory exercises. Set a timer for a minute and inhale deep for four seconds, hold for two seconds, and exhale for another four seconds. Repeat as necessary to bring down your heart rate and calm your nerves. Next, use the one-minute timer to sit focus on your senses: What can you hear? Do you smell anything around you? What is the texture of your shirt or the floor beneath you? Focus on those senses and details only. Get lost in them. These two methods do wonders to break me out of my anxiety-driven spirals.

There are also plenty of free apps out there that help with meditation and breathing exercises specifically for anxiety. My personal go-to apps are Calm and Stop, Breathe, and Think.

Now that you’ve broken out of that negative thought-loop, onward to step two:

2. DO. YOUR. RESEARCH.

If you’re anything like me, you’re comforted by doing research. Why? Because how can you possibly know how to progress forward without knowing what paths are even available to you? Don’t get me wrong, this process can certainly become overwhelming (repeat step 1 as needed), but it is extremely important. Here are just a few items that you as a new author need to consider:

Will you only self-edit or will you also hire an editor?

Will you seek out beta readers for your manuscript?

Will you try traditional publishing or will you self-publish?

If you want to go traditional, where and how can you contact a literary agent?

If you want to self-publish, what platforms/services are available?

If you’re seeking self-publishing, how will you design your book cover? Will you design it yourself or hire someone?

As you’re going through each of these questions, you have to keep a few things in mind:

What are your goals in publishing and becoming an author?

Do you want your writing to become a full-time commitment or is this a secondary endeavor alongside your main professional career?

Who is your targeted audience? What platforms do they prefer when digesting media?

(Did I mention that this can be overwhelming?)

This is by no means the entire exhaustive list of questions or details to consider. This is merely launching pad that will most definitely manifest new questions and considerations for you to research. And yes, it can take a lot of time! But it is time well spent when, after sifting through the myriad of information with a fine-tooth comb, you emerge with a greater understanding of what direction you want to go (instead of you meandering down one murky path to only get lost and have to run back to start over again. Or worse, give up entirely!).

When you know what direction you want to take, you know how to take appropriate action. Which brings me to step three:

3. BE PATIENT AND FOCUS ON WHAT IS WITHIN YOUR CONTROL.

You’ve made important decisions! Great! … Now what?

Now you must start putting all that research into action. This will vary greatly from author to author based on their own individual journeys. Since I have chosen to self-publish my first novel, these are the main actionable items I tackled after doing my due diligence:

1.       Hired a professional editor to tear my manuscript apart.

2.       Created an author website for myself (hello, welcome, you’re on it).

3.       Created a Patreon (and no, I still have no idea what I’m doing with that)

4.       Identified which self-publishing platforms to publish my novel once it’s completed.

5.       Created a list of possible designers for my novel’s cover art and interior design once the manuscript is complete.

Here is the thing about this step: You have to be patient and manage your expectations!

Editing a novel takes time. Constructing a well-thought out website takes time. Figuring out the finer details of how to manage newsletters, blogs, self-publishing platforms, and collaborating with other professionals takes time. I know you’re eager to throw your work of art into the world, to bear your soul and share this labor of love you’ve spent countless time and tears building. But you cannot, and I mean cannot, rush this.

This is one of my favorite mantras, and it holds true for this step:  slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.

Identify specific steps you can take to inch closer to your stated goals, and list follow-on actions to take once those have completed. This is your map. Trust your map and don’t steer off-course! Just breathe, look at your map, and focus on that single next step.

4. RINSE AND REPEAT.

Here’s the thing:  there is never an end to these steps. Whether its yearly or even by the hour, these processes are a continuous cycle. But I see beauty in that- we are always developing ourselves, refining our goals, finding new information to hone our skills, and learning how to introduce those new concepts into the way we operate.

Here is an example of the course of a SINGLE HOUR this morning:

I second-guessed my decision to self-publish. Anxiety. “Am I making the right decision? Am I kneecapping my author career before it even begins?”

I stepped away from my laptop and pet my cat. I practiced calm breathing while focusing on his soft fur and listened to his throaty purr. “Okay. I’m alright again. This is fine.”

Went back to my laptop and re-evaluated my goals in publishing my novel. I reviewed some of the resources I listed above on the pros and cons of traditional vs. self-publishing. I considered it a bit, and realized that I’d let my anxiety get the better of me. “I still want to self-publish!”

After I grabbed a cup of coffee, I considered what next steps to take on this venture. The idea struck me to write this post. “I can’t possibly be the only new writer suffering from this kind of anxiety.”  

And here we are! Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

Whenever you begin to feel dismayed, tired, or hopeless, remember why you began writing in the first place. Remember your goals. Remember that feeling of finishing your manuscript (even if it did come with a wave of anxiety).

Keep going. And keep writing, friends. (and when in doubt, find a cat)

Hey, everybody!

I’m not entire sure what to write, but I can say for certain that I am thrilled to launch my new site. I’ve worked pretty hard on this project and I’m really looking forward to clumsily diving head-first into the world of self-publishing. Stay tuned for updates! And thanks again for joining me on this crazy ride.