April C. Griffith's Blog

 

Full disclosure, this is my book, and thus not a review, but just me talking about my latest project.

Fun story about this book: I sold it twice and very quickly both times. Another fun fact: it started out as a NaNoWriMo book!

I sold this book the first time to Less Than 3 Press--a small, indie press in North Carolina that boasted lesbian/sapphic books and stories with only happy endings. It took three weeks to get the thumbs up from them, which was by far the fastest I've sold a book. It went through edits, proofs, and even got a cover mockup before Less Than 3 folded after a decade in business. Woops. I got the rights back a couple months later, tried to cope with my disappointment, and then submitted it again to Pride Publishing, part of the Totally Entwined Group, and this time the book sold in less than a week. I have to give a lot of credit to the editor I worked with at Less Than 3 for making the book much, much better--you rock, James! I have no doubt going through the publishing process once made it imminently more purchasable the second time around. Round two and it's finally on bookshelves!

The Less Than Three cover using a pen name to protect my ex-wife's career

I can't even remember which NaNoWriMo I wrote this for, however, I do remember it's the only time I've ever finished the challenge. That's gotta mean something, right? Regardless, I may have written the bulk of it in a month, but this wasn't a viable novel for another year and it wasn't to the state it is now for several more. Humble beginnings with hopefully successful endings! Keep that in mind this coming November if you're thinking of giving NaNo a try: yes, it's possible to get a published novel, but, no, you won't have one after a month.

I made this to keep me motivated for NaNoWriMo, not bad for an amateur graphic designer, right?

Let's talk about other firsts for me with this book: it's the first time I've written a book with a trans character (protagonist even!), it's the first book I've written that didn't include at least one lesbian, and it's the first book I've put my own name on. I've ghost written several books and published several others under a pen name, but this one has my honest to goodness name on it.

I wrote Electra as a transgender pansexual protagonist, my very first, because I thought there needed to be more representation in media of trans people who aren't going through transition, coming out, or their first loves. Trans people are people and have whole lives outside being trans: shouldn't media reflect that reality? Also, Electra is pansexual in a way that current understandings can't cover because she spends much of her adult life as the last known human. If Captain Kirk and Commander Shepard can seduce aliens, why not Electra Rex? Why did I choose the level of transition I did for her? Because all levels are valid and nobody has to go as far as anyone else to call it a successful transition. Electra chose the level she wanted and everyone else should too/everyone else should respect the levels of transition needed.

I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite romance on the Citadel!

Why isn't Treasure white like every other love interest in science fiction? First off, as Mean Girls says, you can't just ask why someone is or isn't white, but the reason behind having a woman of color as the love interest in the novel is simple: there aren't enough positive, happy representations of black women in literature especially if that literature is LGBTQ and/or Science Fiction. The world of white supremacy and racism Treasure knew stops existing the second she wakes up on Electra's ship. How would you behave, what would be different in your life, what kind of person would you be if the oppression you lived under since your first breath suddenly vanished across every known reality? I tried to answer that question for Treasure, but I imagine I fell short and only showed one possible response among billions.

Electra Rex was written to be fun, light, sexy, and nerdy with the bare minimum of violence.

Excerpt:

“I am the last of my kind, and I suck,” Electra mumbled to herself, throwing back another drink. On the first night of a planetary holiday, Electra Rex was drunk, scorned, and looking to buy a gun. Electra couldn't recall exactly which holiday since there were so many. The planet took time off constantly to celebrate a googolplex of different accomplishments, important figures, and momentous occasions across hundreds of alien species; it was a wonder anyone did anything but observe holidays. She sat in a window booth, watching ships both large and small land at the valet pad while she waited.

Little of her Embarker pedigree remained after years away from the flotilla. Endless toil and nomadic life marked her people’s existence even if it didn’t describe her life. She'd lived in an apartment on Authrillia's largest northern city for more than a year, which should have made her itchy to get back to spacefaring, but she wasn’t. In fact, she wasn’t much of anything. Apathy had settled heavily over her and it had made her careless—at least, more careless than she already knew herself to be. To pay the bills, she engaged in the least Embarker type of work she could find: a professional party guest. Come see the last known human woman, drink with her, maybe even…but that was over. She'd frittered away too much money on fleeting things, another Embarker no-no. A job meant to replenish her account at the last moment and save her apartment, her precious creature comforts, and allow her reckless lifestyle to continue for another month, hadn't paid out. Now she had only the clothes on her back and the cash in her pocket. Enough to buy a gun, she hoped.

She'd given the DJ of the club a copy of Margaritaville, promising a transcendent experience. Jimmy Buffet sang while a dozen different species of aliens attempted to dance on the multi-tiered dance floor to the ancient Earthling music. Electra's dad had loved Jimmy Buffet. The finest music in the galaxy, he'd said. Even with great effort and a good deal of booze in her system, she couldn't hear what he heard. She must not have inherited his ear for classical music. The hell was a flip-flop anyway?

Normally leering over spacecraft cheered her up, which was why she'd selected a window booth near the landing pad. She wasn't into the functional caravan freighters that comprised Embarker fleets—she liked the chic, silky, beautiful spaceships that focused on form over function. The bleak, unrepentantly crappy mood that clung to her throughout the day lightened an iota at the arrival of her dream ship in the valet slip directly below her window. An oval saucer body, three hundred feet long, sleek and stylish, with three classic fins off the back, it was, it had to be, a Cadillux 1959 Dorado edition. And it was pink, the brightest, most beautiful pearlescent pink trimmed in the shiniest of chrome. Electra stood on her knees on the booth's bench and pressed her face drunkenly against the glass. She wanted to lick it. She didn't care that the thought was absurd. That ship was so gorgeous it deserved to be licked.

The transparent arrival tube extended to the ventral port while a valet-bot lowered onto the dorsal spine above the cockpit that sat directly in the middle of the oval. Electra wanted to see what wondrous creature possessed such a magnificent spaceship. After several, agonizing moments the owner of the ship passed from beneath the edge within the arrival tube and Electra's elation turned to fury: Weisella. Fucking Weisella. Her need to buy a gun redoubled, not to begin a life of mercenary work, which was the Embarker way after going bust, but for murder, satisfying revenge on the woman who had thoroughly screwed her. The fact that such a heinous, underhanded creature could own such a glorious ship was a crime on par with regicide in Electra's inebriated mind.

Weisella was a Panaeus, a vaguely humanoid alien species with advanced telekinetic and telepathic powers. She was only a little taller than Electra's five and a half feet. Her heart-shaped face had two enormous, black almond eyes, no nose or mouth. Frilled spines replaced what could be called hair. A luster of five ephemeral tentacles stood in the place of an arm on each side and instead of legs, she had what looked like a jumbo, curved shrimp tail. Indeed, the only attractive features Electra saw in Weisella were her money and her strangely perfect breasts—three of them across the center of her chest, prominently displayed since Panaeus didn't wear clothes. Weisella liked jewelry though, and she was sporting a shiny new metal ring on her tail that was probably just brimming with expensive tech. Electra's memory of the night before was fragmented at best. She'd been hired to attend Weisella's gala for the Panaeus New Year, partially as the spectacle of having a human in attendance and partially as Weisella's date. Electra didn't mind the escort portion of the work. Weisella was rich, enchanting, well-traveled, and she'd paid extra for the pleasure. Except she hadn't actually paid. The transfer bounced back in the morning when Electra tried to use the money to get the foreclosure lock off her apartment door. The timer on her lien expired and everything in her apartment was incinerated while she watched through the little glass window on the door. Everything her parents had ever given her, every keepsake from Transition Island, every souvenir she'd collected in her travels was gone in a flash of white fire and a quickly ventilated puff of smoke, all because Weisella ripped her off.

Electra had done her part. She'd danced, charmed, and been better than presentable in her skin-tight Utopalex pants, knee high go-go boots, and a black corset that made the most of what she had. The Panaeus guests loved her. Weisella had loved her. By every measurement, Electra had performed perfectly. They retired to Weisella's bedroom at the end of the night to continue the festivities. Things didn't go as smoothly behind closed doors. Electra was intoxicated from drinks, a few drugs she wasn't familiar with, and the high oxygen environment created in the penthouse, plus she'd never slept with a Panaeus before. The swell of Weisella's backside, what looked like a delightfully curvaceous butt, nope, that was a nose and please stop fondling it. Okay, the breasts were breasts, right? Close enough, fondle those, lick them, and fall asleep face first in them. Was that why Weisella bounced the payment back? Failure to consummate? It was explicitly stated in Electra's contract that sex was not a guaranteed part of any escort arrangement. It was her prerogative. Besides, she'd tried—there simply weren't obvious sex organs on Panaeus, at least none Electra could find in her sloppy groping.

The valet-bot guided the Cadillux away after Weisella entered the club a couple floors beneath Electra's booth. The little bot was flying the beautiful ship toward the stacks. Not the stacks! That was where someone parked a junker that nobody would want to steal. The stacks were for heaps with so many scratches and dents that a few more might go completely unnoticed. The Cadillux could be scraped, dinged, stolen, or breathed on wrong in the stacks. Only the worst kind of philistine would park such a beautiful vessel in the holding pen for pig ships!

"That tight little butt could only belong to the Electra Rex," a gravely voice sounded behind her.

Electra sat back down and glared at Fizan. Her underworld contact was a Gromphra, essentially an eight foot tall cockroach in every despicable sense. Fizan was too large and inflexible to actually sit in the booth so she stood at the end of the table, inspecting Electra with her dead bug eyes. It wasn't that Fizan was a particularly vile example of the species—all Gromphra were lecherous and blunt—it was considered a badge of honor to gross out other species, at least, that's what Fizan claimed.

The purportedly transparent shell on the front of Fizan's torso opened up like a flasher's raincoat. It was clothing and body armor mixed and wasn't actually transparent. Within the shell, guns, knives, and a dozen other nefarious items were concealed behind the projected image of her chitinous torso.

"See anything you like?" Fizan asked.

Electra had enough cash on hand to afford a decent gun. A carbine was best for mercenary work, although a small pistol was ideal to assassinate Weisella on a crowded dance floor. Shooting anyone or anything wasn't really her style and the reality of what she was doing rolled over her in an unpleasant manner accompanied by a wave of nausea. Electra scrunched her nose while she considered the weapons until she spied something entirely different.

"How much for the ID-clone?"

Lets start with a quick kudos to this movie for having a lesbian protagonist, in a loving relationship, in a movie where getting together, coming out, or being lesbians has nothing to do with the plot. Straight people get this all the time--queer people, not so much. So it's nice to see a relationship between two women being in a movie without being the reason for the movie. Well done, I like, I love it, I want more of it!

Recap: Marla, played by Rosamund Pike, is a court appointed guardian for the elderly and she uses this position to drain retirees of their remaining funds and funnel the money into her own pockets via the usual kickback chains. She has a doctor who sends new "clients" her way who sends her someone seemingly too good to be true. Turns out this new mark isn't who she seems and badness ensues.

I watched this movie last night with my girlfriend after we started and quit on Aquaman after 20 minutes. She had work to do and I planned to dink on my phone, but instead we both ended up riveted to I Care a Lot for the full two hour run. This movie is mislabeled as a comedy on Netflix when it is wall to wall suspense and drama.

What's cool about this film? Everyone in it fucking sucks and you won't have anyone to root for but you're not going to care! That's weird and cool. Marla and Fran, the same-sex couple of smart, tough, cunning, competent, loving women should be tailor made for me to cheer for, but I found myself actively wanting them to fail and suffer consequences the whole movie. Peter Dinklage, an actor I adore, plays Roman, an eccentric, powerful, kinda cliche mob boss of a sort who just wants to get his mother away from Marla. But I also couldn't cheer for him because he uses women as drug mules, had a lot of sexist undertones, and hired the sleaziest lawyer ever in Dean Ericson (played by Chris Messina). The victims of Marla's crimes were rarely seen, other than Jennifer Peterson (played by Dianne West), and the only other child of one of Marla's wards is an atrocious, misogynistic asshole who is written to be both sympathetic AND detestable. People (specifically guy people) are going to say he's written to be a stereotypical sexist asshole that doesn't exist outside feminist movies and books, but women will recognize him as a pretty standard breed of angry white guy we've all encountered entirely too often.

So why watch this thing if everyone is an awful human? Catharsis at the ending? Nope, it's weirdly satisfying, maybe unexpected for some, and doesn't fully wrap things up in a bow, yet doesn't feel incomplete. The "love story" between Marla and Fran? It's sweet at times, a mature relationship on solid footing with one short, steaming sex scene that gets out of the way of the rest of the movie in a hurry, but it's not going to carry anyone through this. The resolution where the corrupt system being exploited is taken down? Yeah, that doesn't happen--this movie isn't here to lie to you. This movie told a story that hurt on multiple levels and throughout, unless you're a total piece of shit, you're going to feel better about your own flaws because at least you're not any of the people in the movie.

4 out of 5 stars because it's not what you'd expect and it will sit with you for at least a couple days

**Elder abuse is a real problem and it includes defrauding the elderly**

There are parts of this movie (the roles of conservatorships, court appointed guardians, and the power wielded by judges, doctors, and nursing home staff) that might seem outlandish and unrealistic in this movie to people who haven't been through the system. As someone who has been through some of this, who is dating a physician, and watched my own grandmother's decline through dementia, I can tell you, this movie is entirely plausible. And that's kind of a huge problem in this country. Capitalism allows a lot of atrocities in the name of profit and the elderly and infirm are quite often the favored victims because they can be powerless or made to be powerless very easily. I wish I had an answer or a call to action for you, but that's well outside my expertise. If you're watching this movie and want to temper your disgust by telling yourself it isn't realistic, DON'T. This is and many worse crimes are being committed against the elderly and mentally diminished every day. Don't turn away from the feeling of outrage and disgust just because it's uncomfortable.

Knights of the Old Republic #TBTGame I'm going all the way back to 2003 for this one. The woman on woman content is...limited, but it was a step in gaming and an important one. The first, and most of the attempts afterward, toward LGBT representations in Triple A gaming was made by Bioware. They jumped in fully with Jade Empire and then decided same sex relationships were worth regular inclusion in the Dragon Age and Mass Effect franchises. The fact that there are way more LGBT characters in Star Wars video games than in the movies is irritating. How many more? Infinity percent more since there are some in the games and none in the movies. But that's a rant for later.
The gameplay is fun, not quite turn based strategy, although you can turn that feature on if you'd like, but it's also not a true real-time action game. In traditional RPG fashion, you kill monsters, complete quests, gain experience, upgrade stats, gain new skills, and improve gear. There's the light side/dark side meter, the only real departure from the classic RPG setup, in which you gain or lose light side or dark side points depending on how you behave. If you delve too far into dark side, your character will start looking evil and if you manage to max out in either direction new skills and options open up, meaning there's really no reason to sit anywhere in the middle of the scale. Bioware fiddled more with this concept in the Mass Effect series calling it paragon/renegade, and then abandoned the whole thing eventually.

The graphics and sound design are great. Classic blaster noises, lightsaber hums and clashes, ship engines, are all straight out of the movies. The voice acting is top notch all the way down to the aliens speaking in alien languages and sounding very alien...maybe a little repetitive, but generally we're talking some top notch immersion, which is nice because it's also a pretty lengthy game and that's a good thing.

Let's get to the woman on woman content, which is why you're here instead of a more traditional review site. It's limited, but as far as I know, this is one of two games where you can be a Jedi and have romantic interactions with another lady Jedi (the other being the deep expansions of the spinoff MMORPG). Before you get too excited, that lady Jedi isn't Bastila. She's the cover lady, the MacGuffin, and a romance option...if you're playing a guy. Bummer. Instead, the romantic option for the lady loving ladies is a Cathar woman named Juhani who you save from the dark side and either guide back there if you're an evil character or bring to the light if you've gone that way with point collecting. It's a tame, kind of sweet relationship that requires the whole game to develop into the not exactly steamy, but kind of an emotional connection. Having played the other two romance options (Bastila + male protagonist or Carth + female protagonist) I can say none of them are particularly mind blowing or deep, so the woman on woman content wasn't skimped by comparison. And what they considered steamy romance with Bastila was really awkward and not at all sexy.

Playing this game for woman on woman content doesn't make a ton of sense. If that's the primary reason for picking it up, there are better options with more to enjoy and I promise to review those soon. However, if you're looking for a Star Wars game that's fun, often funny, has a bunch of clever Easter eggs, a good story, and all the classic Star Wars goodies you can enjoy (Wookies, Rancors, blasters, lightsaber battles, Hutts, droids, people having a bad feeling about this) and wouldn't mind a light story of a cat lady (half cat/half lady) falling for a mysterious woman...then you're in luck, because that's exactly what KOTOR brings to the table.

Once upon a time, you'd have to find an ancient copy of an original Xbox game and then load it up on an Xbox 360 and hope everything still works if you wanted to play this. Not anymore. It's available on Steam, Amazon download for tablets, for Android on the Google Play, iTunes, and a bunch of emulators. It's not a free or freemuium game, but $9.99 isn't a bad price for what you get.


I give Knights of the Old Republic 5 stars out of 5 for the game and a Nice 1st Try for the woman on woman content.

Karen Memoryby Elizabeth BearBook**Disclaimer: I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm not a book blogger. That particular job requires a lot more work and dedication to a specific media than I'm willing to do. So please, please, please, please direct review requests to the actual book bloggers, which is not me.**
I'm a reader and I'll do what I call reviewing on the things I've read if they match the blog's stated purpose of guiding women who love women to content that matches that description, and Karen Memory fits!
Full disclosure, I am into steampunk, and I am part of a prestigious steampunk writing lineage, so I do have some clout in the genre based on who I was trained by, but also a built in bias for the genre. While you're all in awe, or confused and wondering who taught me to write, I'm going to proceed to lavish a fair amount of praise on this book.
The story follows Karen Memery (not a typo--the character's name is spelled differently than the book's name) a "seamstress" in Seattle in an alternate history of the old west. Seamstress is code for prostitute, although there is a large, mechanical sewing machine that factors heavily into the story and Karen does know how to use it.

I'm a sucker for a good first line:
You ain't gonna like what I have to tell you, but I'm gonna tell you anyway.  At its heart, Karen Memory is an adventure novel. There's a Jack the Ripper type mystery overlaid on the top of the romance and adventure and steampunk, but it's thin and not the part of the novel that remotely does the most work. Within a few chapters, all the villains are on one side and all the heroes on the other, which is a common organizational technique of adventure, not mystery novels. As a fan of alternate history books, I was more interested in the Pacific Northwest arcana and Lone Ranger stuff than the Jack the Ripper parallels.
 
Not this guy. The real one.
Yep, the Lone Ranger's inspiration, Marshal Bass Reeves, is in the book. The real Lone Ranger was a freed slave turned lawmen in the old west. He did have an Indian sidekick and white horse, but he didn't wear a mask. The fact that the real Lone Ranger was a black man didn't come as a surprise to me since I've watched almost every episode of Gunslingers on AHC, but I'm sure there are people out there taken aback by this fact. Classic white washing of history by the film industry that thankfully Elizabeth Bear didn't continue in Karen Memory.

Speaking of diversity, this book's got it. A love interest from India trying to save her sister, a Chinese heroine working to rescue her countrywomen from the sex trade (yeah, the book takes place post slavery, but those laws have never stood in the way of sexual slavery). There is, of course, Bass Reeves and his sidekick. Also transgender prostitute capable of moving in many worlds is integral in several rescues. It's lovely how well Bear represents the diversity of the Pacific Northwest where worlds converged to head north and take advantage of the Alaskan gold rush. 

The rundown: Steampunk, lesbian romance, alternate history, serial killer mystery, high adventure, gun fights, horse chases, sewing machine battles. If even three things on that list interest you, the book is worth a read.

I give Karen Memory 4 1/2 Steampunk Corsets out of 5:
  

  Choices: Stories You PlayTablet/Phone Game from Pixelberry StudiosIf you're Gen-X you'll probably remember the joy of Choose Your Own Adventure books. They were short, fun, and gave you a strange sense of license over reading, which is normally a passive experience. Sure, most of the choices led to grisly deaths, but that just meant I got to use TWO bookmarks like holding an old save game file back in case of emergency. I've always loved collecting and using bookmarks. Total win-win.
Choices is one of roughly a billion apps trying to recreate the experience of a Choose Your Own Adventure book. There are Episodes and Chapters and Experiences and...I'm really not going to play and review all of them, mostly because that would take time out of playing Choices. Emily, coming in hot!
Let's talk gameplay! ...yeah, there isn't much, but who cares? It's a reading game. There are a few timed thingies, memory tests, and matching, but these are mostly gimmicks to get to and from the choices. Read, choose, see where your choice led, lather, rinse, repeat.
There are premium choices (this game calls them gems) which mostly center around wearing prettier clothes or getting laid. Not exaggerating--45% upgrade your outfit + 45% getting sensual + 10% misc = 100% of the premium choices. You earn 1 diamond per chapter read or you can buy them with real life money. In a couple of the books there are stats to earn, like prestige or detective skill, that can replace the need for gems on some choices.
The reading tickets are called keys, they replenish 1 every 2 hours, you can hold 2 unless purchasing more with real life money.
Both diamonds and keys are a little easier to come by from other chapter games I've played. There are ads in front of the chapters, but that's common to freemium games. Don't fall for the hacks and cheats promising keys and gems--as far as I know, none are real.
Kaitlyn is a personal fave!So why is Choices on WonWonC? Because there is a ton of woman on woman content! There are ladies galore to romance, befriend, casually hook up with, and most of the protagonists are ladies. There are the traditional hetero lady hookups, but aside from a couple books, these are not required or put ahead of the F+F options. Speaking to the pan and bisexual ladies: your options will be obscenely plentiful, so get your clicking finger ready. Pun only slightly intended.
There are categories like mystery, romance, fantasy but all of them tend to have some overlap with other genres. The writing is good, very good some of the time, which is remarkable considering many similar games have horrible writing, typos, spelling errors, and absurdly stupid or ham-fisted entries/premises.
The background artwork gets recycled, but that's not a big deal considering you're never actually moving through it. The character artwork also has some overlap, but not as much as you might think. Several of the books have very distinct artistic styles that compliment the content. The books that have overlapping artwork, also have character and location crossovers, which is fun and cute like self-referencing Easter eggs.
The game can be played free, some choices will just be harder and the clothes will be drab, also, the total number of hookups with romantic partners will be drastically reduced. New chapters come out weekly, typically on Thursday for some reason. You can link your account across platforms to continue reading on multiple devices. I personally don't do this so I can have multiple devices gathering gems and regenerating keys and multiple paths through the stories happening at the same time. The choices matter enough to make this worthwhile.

You can find Choices on Android and iTunes--free to download and play.

I give Choices: Stories You Play, 4 vaguely racially diverse character options out of 5

Below Her Mouth (2016)  Movie I'm not going to full on review or rate this movie since I didn't finish it. I guess that would make the rating:
 
As for why I didn't finish it...I don't like Ethan Zuko characters. If that name doesn't mean anything to you, that's okay, it shouldn't...yet. It's my own term that I use for a lesbian character that could easily be replaced by Ethan Hawke from any mid 90s movie role and/or Danny Zuko from Grease and the movie or TV show would be functionally unchanged, thus, an Ethan Zuko.
An Ethan Zuko is basically what a teenage boy thinks is the coolest thing to be. They typically don't care about anything, but are super into telling everyone they don't care, they wear a lot of black (often the same clothes/underwear waaaaay too often), they'll have a ride that would be considered super cool by a 16-year-old boy trying to get his license, random tattoos of varying importance, a mop of hair that they care a lot about but don't want to be seen caring about, and a "too cool for school" attitude that extends to at least one part, but often many parts, of their life. They're the basic bitch of bad boys and they were fucked out a long ass time ago. "How can I make sure everyone knows I'm too cool to care?"I bring up the Ethan Zuko, because "Dallas" (played by Erika Linder) from Below Her Mouth is a huuuuuge Ethan Zuko. The name alone is a dead giveaway--Dallas, right, that's your given name? Oh, no, it's a taken name! As in look at the cool name I've taken and will now shove down everyone's throats. Dallas is a giant creeper. Open the movie on her having sex with someone, and she's way too cool to enjoy the sex, so she's aloof, distant, weird, and the scene turns into a giant gross out of emotional abuse of a sexual partner.
Cut to Dallas at work, and she's a cat-calling construction worker (roofer)...I mean, what? She doesn't really participate with the guys harassing the woman who is going to be her love interest, but later you find out, those were her employees she was joking with. Yep, she's on a roof, watching her neanderthal employees harass women on the streets, and she's smiling and making sex jokes with them.
This is an important point to state this movie was written and directed by women--whatever the fuck that even means with characters like this Next up, a party scene where Dallas runs into her new love interest, Jasmine (I wish I were kidding about the names) and follows her around being really, really, really (put 50 more reallys here if you want accuracy) creepy. Woman walks away, Dallas follows her. Woman turns, Dallas gets in her way. Woman ends a conversation, Dallas jogs over and restarts it. Woman stands against wall, Dallas pins her to it...this is what passed for suave in leading men 50 years ago, why the hell is a lesbian trying these moves in a 2016 movie? Real talk, Dallas should have gotten pepper sprayed in the party scene. Remember the whole "how to actually talk to a woman wearing headphones" bullshit guide from last year? Yep, Dallas read it and lives her life by it. (that's not a link to the actual guide--I'm not advertising for those idiots--it's a Guardian article dissecting the insanity)
Dallas goes home with the bartender instead (seriously, , that's her name: BARTENDER), then Dallas is a total jackass to BARTENDER the next morning, and then goes to the love interest's house to pester her with more stalker behavior. FYI, she's been wearing the same underwear and sports bra THIS WHOLE TIME. She was on a roof in the sun, working hard for several days in a row...wash your sports bra? Nah, that's a once a month thing for a roofer! When I realized Dallas encouraged her employees to harass women on the street and probably smelled like old cigarettes and rancid bra sweat, I turned the movie off.
The good...there's a bathtub masturbation scene with Natalie Krill that's hot. If you can look past the fact that she's playing a fry-voice fashionista named <gag> Jasmine, it's kinda sexy. 
Below Her Mouth is a 1 hour 34 minute highly problematic movie in which an Ethan Zuko pursues a cliche with a stripper name in ways that would get most people arrested. I made it about an hour before bailing; the movie may have redeemed itself in the last 34 minutes, but I kinda doubt it. It has a pedestrian 5.6 out of 10 on IMDB and a blowful 21% on Rotten Tomatoes. Currently available on Netflix Streaming, Amazon pay rental, and iTunes for purchase.

Imagine Me & You (#TBT)2005  [image error] I'm going to admit my fangirl joy over this movie. I'll admit it's fluff, stars two gay-for-pay actresses, it's directed by a man, but I don't care, because it's classic romantic comedy in the Billy Wilder mold and that's something fun and enjoyable. Women are the primary consumers of romantic comedies so shouldn't there be great romantic comedies for women who like women? Or even mediocre ones? Does every movie have to push some envelope somewhere? To answer in order: hell yes!/ if we can't get the great ones / Michael Bay wouldn't have a job otherwise

If you haven't seen the movie and don't want anything spoiled. Stop now, watch the trailer if you're not sold, and then go enjoy the film.
Let's talk cast...
The Ladies: Piper Perabo (Rachel) + Lena Headey (Luce)--this is really where all the magic happens. There's some other stuff with the parents and the friends and random cute children and some guy's boss is a dick, but who cares, right? The onscreen sparks and overwhelming awesomeness of Piper and Lena is where the movie shines. Not even kidding about some of the antics and lines they get. There's the silly Dance Dance Revolution scene, so cute. Wedding ring in the sangria, right off the bat. Climbing out windows, climbing on top of cars, yelling WANKER! at soccer players. All sorts of mega adorable romantic comedy fluff of the most marshmallowy sorts. Falling in love should be fun, and it is, while still being juxtaposed against the stress of coming out and a marriage falling apart. It's a comedy, though, so it's heavier on the falling in love than the agony of divorce. There are so many LGBTQ+ tragedies out there--this isn't one.

"Everyone promises you happily ever after... but life turns into a different kind of fairy tale."

[Melts in Lesbian]

You may recognize Lena from Game of Thrones. Just try to ignore that you know she's going to one day become Cersei Lannister-Baratheon and enjoy her as an adorable, knowledgeable florist.

The Blokes: Matthew Goode and Anthony "Giles" Head--are the newlywed husband of Piper's character and her father respectively. Matthew Goode plays Heck, presumably the worst way to shorten Hector? Hexagon? Heckin' Good? Whatever. His character is remarkable in that Heck is a nice guy. He's not stupid, mean, bigoted, ruthless, incompetent...he's just a good guy who happened to marry a lesbian. Bummer for him, but he doesn't go Billy Zane from Titanic at any point and that's nice. Keep watching post credits for a stinger where Heck gets a little love from the storytelling gods.

You'll recognize Anthony Head from Buffy the Vampire Slayer as Watcher Giles. If you don't recognize him because you didn't watch Buffy...I'm not really sure how you got here. If that describes you, welcome person that doesn't know about Willow and Tara, we should talk more after the review. Giles...er...Ned, is a likeable father figure with a few good lines, one specifically about hotdogs, but mostly is there to be a loving supportive dad who Britishes his way through most things.

Why the 6.7/10 on IMDB and 33% on Rotten Tomatoes? The movie isn't groundbreaking for the romantic comedy genre...except for starring two women in the romantic roles. In 2005, that was still on the big deal side of things, but let's face facts--the movie industry is sexist as fuck so seeing the importance of the audience the film is meant for isn't something critics are going to do. Roger Ebert looked down his nose at pretty much the whole thing and gave it 2 stars, but he also hated some truly great movies.

I'm going to go ahead and give it 5 rainbow stars for being a perfect example of what it is: .
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Bet you thought I wasn't going to mention the title. Yep, it's a line from a Turtles song and yep, they play the song in the movie, using it as a plot device, and yep that's hackneyed in one respect or clever if you're really determined for it to be. That part is up to you.