Deborah Winking's Blog

"Must be true, it says so right on the label.": WRONG.

While labels and diagnoses can provide useful information for determining services and treatment plans, they are not the final word on your child, not even close. This is true because we don’t fully understand the interplay between the clinical diagnosis or educational label and how a child is subsequently viewed and treated by the people in his orbit. The water is muddied, making it difficult to tease out what is real and what is the result of years of lowered expectations, unintentional bias, differential treatment, and missed opportunities. This includes the impact of the beliefs and actions of influential people on your child's performance over time.

For all these reasons it is important that parents of kids with special needs guard against the tendency to attribute every skill deficit or difficult behavior to their child’s label or diagnosis. This attitude can lead to blanket acceptance of a characteristic or behavior by virtue of the fact that it is generally thought to be associated with the condition or label. This is not to say that our kids do not experience serious challenges. They do. However, I would argue that the wholesale acceptance of a symptom or indication is too simplistic. Because, while it provides us with a tidy explanation for why our kid is not attending in class, is smarting off to the teacher, lacks social skills, or is lagging behind in math or reading, it also leads to a sense of complacency and lowered expectations.

Parents can adopt a “this is just how things are going to be for this kid, see it says so right on the label” attitude toward their child. Even worse, when behavior gets more aberrant, social skills regress further, or gaps in school performance widen, because we expected it, we take cover behind the characteristic or symptom as if failure or poor performance is a foregone conclusion. "Rosario has autism so we expect her to be uninterested in other people, Jamal has ADHD so we expect him not to attend, Johnnie stutters so we expect him not to participate in class, and so on.

Inevitably when behavior gets more aberrant, social skills regress further, or gaps in school performance widen, we take cover behind the characteristic or symptom as if failure or poor performance is a foregone conclusion.

The listing of symptoms associated with a clinical diagnosis are also called “indications”. In the case of a label they are called characteristics. They are not like the ingredient list on a can of corn or cereal box that tells you the sum total of what is inside. They are merely a listing of attributes typically associated with the condition. They are not all causal. So, instead of buying into that list of indications or characteristics lock, stock, and barrel, pay attention to your child. How is he or she behaving, acting, moving, communicating?

The specific uniqueness’s that make your child who she is, may help her defy the odds. * Your child's love of music may open the door to friendships with other kids with similar interests and could ignite a lifelong passion.* What may seem like an inappropriate preoccupation, like your child's fixation with touching soft fabrics might be leveraged to get a job unloading and hanging garments at a clothing store. *Your child's fascination with numbers could help him get in the MathCounts Club at school which could gain him respect among peers and open the door to new relationships.

I advocate trusting what you see in your child, over what the label or diagnosis proclaims they are capable of. Sure, be aware of and get support for specific issues and weaknesses, but put at least equal if not more effort to "seeing" your child's particular assets, motivations, and interests. These are not to be ignored because they may give him or her an edge in overcoming challenges.

This post is a little out of the ordinary, because these are anything but ordinary times.

We have talked a lot about labels, diagnoses, parental fear and the messages that we must send our kids to help them pursue their best lives. Heavy stuff, heart stuff, the stuff of parenting a child with a difference!

Unfortunately even a global pandemic does not signal a timeout or give us a pass on our responsibility to maintain our high expectations parenting stance. We don't get to raise the white flag and give up.

Tantamount to high expectations parenting is sending our child messages with our words and actions that he or she is "capable". It is harder to maintain this stance when we are "on our own" with our child full-time. Many of us are now tasked with being our child's parent, teacher, therapist and playmate all rolled into one. Exhausting yes, but this time offers some unique opportunities to send our child positive messages even as we attempt to "do it all".

An equally important habit of high expectations parents is self-compassion and giving ourselves permission to make mistakes and learn from them. I guarantee that you will not do everything just like your child's favorite teacher does. You may not be able to motivate your child to get her tongue to the roof of her mouth like the speech therapist does, and you may not nail a perfect 10 (or even a 5) on the physical therapy exercises that have been prescribed.

But take heart, research and experience proves that the messages your child receives over time from you, the most important person in his or her life are infinitely more important than perfect execution of at-home instruction or therapy.

So as you imperfectly go about your stay-at-home days, I encourage you to find new ways to challenge your child and let him know that you believe in him. Here are a few:

Stretch your child beyond his (and your) comfort zone during household tasks

Swallow your fear that something will break or that he will get hurt and give him a little responsibility at home--measuring the flour for a recipe, picking up a paint brush for a room you are redoing, or folding towels (resist the urge to refold, this definitely sends the wrong message).

Raise academic standards during playtime

Find a quiet moment to encourage your child to do a few extra math problems, have her tell you about the chapter she is reading, or think out of the box and task her with making up some "hard" math problems for you to solve (the only rule is she has to have the answer herself). Try these ideas in a playful, non-school setting--on the back of a napkin at Diary Queen, on a hike or sitting in the sand--your child may just surprise you! If so, voila you have just raised standards. Now that you know what is possible, you can build on new challenges in the future.

Get in some therapy while "doing your day" (and get some stuff done at the same time)

Blow sawdust off boards as dad cuts them in the garage. Get in some solid weighbearing exercise carrying bags of groceries in each hand. Practice tongue stretches with a dab of peanut butter on the roof of your child's mouth at lunch time, Or my personal favorite, increase hand strength while crushing garlic cloves for dinner.

The first time you try these "Challenge Cheats"may take a little planning. But before you know it, you will begin discovering a lot more opportunities ocurring naturally during the course of the day that address your child's IEP goals!I already know what you are thinking. "Thanks, Dr. Deb for all the admirable and heart warming ideas for addressing IEP goals while sending positive messages my kid's way. But I have a real fear that my child is losing ground. He had gaps before, and now it is going to be even worse."

A little regression is expected with all kids, but lost time can seriously impact our kids' quality of life, behavior and risk for school failure.

Another characteristic of high expectations parents is that we are steely-eyed realists about our child's current functioning, while at the same time holding a vision for what is possible.

Therefore, if you are worried about your child losing ground while school is not in session during the pandemic are are the steps to follow:

1) Keep a record of your contact with your child's IEP team-remember they are on your side.2) Know each goal in your child's IEP and identify how he or she is currently performing (E.g, when school was cancelled, she had 50 words or she requested desired objects with full sentences 75% percent of the time, etc.) Video or audio tape what you hear or see so that you have a baseline. This will be your team's baseline for determining if Compensatory Education is needed. 3) Remember that everyone at your child's school is doing their best during an impossible situation. Partner with your school. They are required by law to provide an APPROPRIATE program for your child, not the BEST program.4) Take full advantage of online lessons, instructional telephone conferences, at home packets, and TeleHealth virtual therapy sessions.5) Now that your know what's in your child's IEP, search for complementary resources. Here are two that offer the best apps and websites to build literacy and math skills.

https://www.readingrockets.org/article/apps-and-websites-build-literacy-skills-top-picks-common-sense-education

https://www.gettingsmart.com/2017/04/apps-math-practice/

Thanks and be good to yourself. Please subscribe and drop a comment sharing your best idea(s) for challenging your child at home!

Here is the scene:

Your small group of moms and stay-at-home dads are huddled around a Tupperware of hummus and zip lock of carrots at the park chatting about their preschoolers' latest antics. The conversation is chock-full endearing poop stories and creative uses of the family pet. Next those with older kids begin regaling the group with the news of how their kids just barely made the select soccer team and how upset they will be if the coach does not have them start.

As they talk, your mind wanders partly to escape the pain..."Will they notice if I stick a baby carrot in each ear to avoid having to listen to one more heartwarming story of life in 'typical' land?" But mostly you feel alone, defeated and jealous. You envy these people their typical experiences and for so scandalously taking them for granted.

Their conversations are, at the same time, inane and sublime. What a luxury it would be if your greatest concern was whether your kid might slip from the #1 to the #2 spot on the tennis team instead of worrying about where you will find a new occupational therapist who accepts insurance, or a plausible pastime for your child so she looks occupied when the other girls are not including her at recess, or calculating out how long you will be able to comfortably stay at the party before your child melts down from sensory overload.

In sum, this is what I learned over time as my reality of parenting a kid with a special need collided with the reality of those parenting "neurotypicals":

First of all, no one truly know what any other person is going through. Who was I to judge their lives as "easy" or their concerns as "trivial"? In the end, I had to come to terms with the fact that I was the green-eyed monster jealously wanting what it appeared the other parents had: Kids who learned things effortlessly at school, inclusion at parties and social activities without sideways glances, and the defacto assumption that their child would be picked for teams (and maybe even captain those teams).

Does my stomach still clench with the occasional envy pang? Sure, I am human. But for the most part I have shed those toxic feelings.I have learned to: 1) Find joy in others' joy

I found it helpful to separate my thoughts and feelings about my own child from the immediate situation. By doing this, I could be present as friends shared their child's latest conquests. I could truly appreciate and rejoice in whatever cute, interesting, or impressive thing their child had done.

2) Identify commonalities

Although it maybe seem like school, sports, friends, and even self-care come easier to your friends' children, kids are kids. Look for commonalities. You want others to see your child with a special need as more similar than different from their child. This creates connections, helps them relate to what may seem foreign to them at first (e.g., therapy appointments, IEP meetings, adaptive equipment).

E.g., "I know what you mean about feeling like a drill sergeant when you are trying to get your kid to practice for the soccer team. I really had to stay on Alexandra to keep her practicing to get to the point where she could lift herself out of the pool."

Before you know it, these same friends will be asking about and cheering on your child's successes!

3) Educate when you can

In choice moments, I am real with these friends. "You are talking about Sam's date for homecoming and I just want Michael to have a friend, one friend." I say it in a way that doesn't make them feel bad but helps them understand what where I am coming from.

4) Practice gratitude

I remind myself of the great things about my own kid and how I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Next time:

It is reader's choice. Please leave a comment or a question and I will try to tackle it in my next Capable Conversation.

All human beings should come equipped with a gavel because we are expert judges. We should be, we make 100's of the them every day. We judge to fit what we see and experience into tidy categories that help decrease uncertainty. Categories and labels serve as efficient file boxes within our brains that sort sensory input. Without them, we would be overwhelmed by the shear volume of incoming "stuff". (Kind of like how I feel about the mess in the garage when we unload after a camping trip.) The problem occurs when this evolutionary sorting system limits our kids with special needs simply because of how they look, move, or sound.

In this moment, when our country is on fire because of prejudging and profiling black people I am reminded of how people with special needs are also judged. I am not suggesting that the consequences of the judging are the same in both cases. Kids who have been labeled "different" due to genetics or trauma are not typically subjected to violence, but there is a parallel in that both result in oppression that comes from being judged based on appearance.

"You only have to look at him to know that there is something wrong with him." An acquaintance made this comment regarding my 19 year-old's fitness for a college internship for which he had applied.

Many of the conditions our children experience including ADHD, learning disabilities, dyslexia, and attachment disorder cause real challenges but have no physical component. However, when our children experience conditions or syndromes that cause them to look, move, or sound even a little bit outside the "norm", they are visited with increased levels of prejudice.

"You only have to look at him to know that there is something wrong with him" Yep, another adult, a fellow parent, unapologetically offered that comment to me about my son. Over the years he has been assumed to be inept, retarded, unclean, unfit and even a predator all because he appears "different". In every one of these instances the "judge" has been wrong. My son is smart, kind, thoughtful, (showers regularly) and is Capable!

It has been my experience that there is a special kind of heart break that is reserved for judgments that arise from how our children “look”. Painful as it is, it does not have to make you fearful or limit your goals for your child. This my advice when people want to pronounce your child "guilty" based on appearance:

First:

Realize that your kid is going to be judged. You will hear insensitive, unkind comments. It happens.

Second:

Decide how you want to respond: Educate or Ignore.

Whether you choose to educate or ignore depends on how you regard the person who has offered the comment. If they are a stranger, you may decide that it is not worth your time. In that case, let it go. But if the "judge" is an acquaintance, friend, teacher, or someone you respect, "take one for the team" and use the moment to educate. Your actions may spare another parent some pain in the future.

Here is an easy 2 sentence response that works:

"I know that _________ looks, (moves or talks) differently, but that does not determine her worth, (intelligence, ability, or fitness for the job, etc.). You will see that as you get to know her better."

Third:

This is the most important step and the one that is the hardest for us: Put your kid right back out there and let her continue to be herself. Over time, her presence will stifle the judges. She will show the world what she can do.

Next Time

We will talk more about raising Capable kids.

"Fear, She is a Liar"...is the title of my favorite Zach William's song. This lyric rings particularly true when it tricks us into believing lies and limiting our child with special needs.

Parents: whether you consider yourself the laid-back-Margaritaville type, the mindful-Zen- yogi type, or any type in between, I guarantee you worry. At some level worry is hardwired within each of us, but there is a separate circle of fear reserved for those of us who parent a child with special needs. In this post, we will examine the sources of our fear, what it can make us do, and how to tame it.

Where Does the Fear Come From?

Because of a primal connection with our offspring, we feel our children’s hurts so intensely that their pains and slights become equally our own. Here are some common fears shared by parents with kids who have been labeled.

I fear being ostracized or left out. "What if my daughter comes off as too different?" "What if they don't accept my son, and by extension, they don't accept me?" I fear being judged or pitied. "They are thinking I am doing too much (or too little) for my son." "People will look at me like I am a poor, misguided woman for expecting my kid to participate." I fear being embarrassed or humiliated. "If she acts out again at the party, I won't be able to handle it." "If he doesn't get chosen it will kill him." I fear failure or disappointment. "I don't want him to put himself out there only to get rejected. "I don't want to ask too much and have him fall short". I fear standing out or being found out "they will look at him funny", "They will realize that she has ____ and does not belong here."

How Fear Tricks Us into Behaving.

Fear rears its head in lots of ugly ways. It can cause us to pass our fears onto our child. Played out over the course of a childhood, fear can cause us to behave in ways that prevent our child from pursuing his or her best life. Specifically fear leads us to...

1. Put fixed imitations on our child—"He can’t be on the playground unsupervised, the other kids will eat him alive." "He can’t sit for story time." "She could never get a job there are too many unknown variables."

2. Stay within our child’s comfort zone-- Fear causes you to play it safe. "He only does a half page of math problems." "He only complies with his regular 1 to 1 aide – we can’t risk putting him with someone new." "He needs his iPad to sit in circle time."

3. Opt out of possibilities and opportunities that present themselves-- "We turned down the birthday party invitation because the noise sets her off and it could get really uncomfortable."

4. Over protect our child—"I don’t take him to the after school program because those kids are so rough- and I don’t want him to get made fun of."

5. Buy into predictions associated with our child's diagnosis--"I expect that he will have trouble with reading because the diagnosis says 'developmental delays'" Because we expect to see them, we start manifesting these predictions.

6. Become anxious, angry, or irritable with our child-- "I lost it with my kid because I just know if he keeps putting his fingers in his mouth they are going to transfer him to the self- contained class"

What to do about our Fear?

There is a classic self-help book entitled Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway... That is my advice when it comes parenting your child with special needs.

First

Set a vision of "capable" for your child (check out my YouTube video to learn more).

https://youtu.be/EoGHyE_jcwASecond

Realize that everyone gets scared. Get out of your head. Catastrophizing is sure to lead to tunnel vision.

Third

Keep your vision for your child front and center. Whether your vision of "capable" includes your child being a member of the brownie troupe, getting a job, or able to eat independently in the high school cafeteria, you can endure a few tantrums, funny glances, false starts, or snide comments. Your capable vision puts you in it for the long haul! You will outlast the naysayers, I promise.

Next time:

We'll talk more about how to parent in ways that move your child toward a vision of "capable".

Today it is widely accepted that all kinds of abilities, and even intelligence, are molded by what we do. Okay I know what you are thinking, nice platitude Deb, but what does that mean for my kid with special needs? It is true, no amount of effort, no matter how Herculean is going to erase a chromosomal abnormality or mend a severed spinal cord, but what we as parents do and what we encourage our children to do matters, a lot. Sure, the name for the condition or syndrome may hold, but what we do has vast implications for the quality of our child's life, and how present or absent specific characteristics predicted by the diagnosis are in our child's life. Simply put stop acting like your child's diagnosis is written on a stone tablet delivered by Moses.

Anyone who has flipped through the pages of Mindset (Dweck, 2006) or Grit (Duckworth, 2016) knows that the notion of fixed intelligence has gone the way of Myspace, Blockbuster Video and fax machines. “Effort creates aptitude”, a concept developed at University of Pennsylvania’s Learning Research Development Center (Resnick, 1986), means exactly what it says: what you put into any pursuit determines what you get out. Aka. “aptitude”, that illusive property of human intelligence or ability, is not doled out in fixed portions, but changes based on how hard we try.

Given this world view, low expectations are an effort killer. Furthermore without effort you cannot impact results. These beliefs became the foundation for the environment I worked to build for all my children, but particularly for my son who was born with a rare genetic syndrome. It is important to tell our kids that that "they can do it", but telling them is not enough, not by a long shot. It is the subtle, recurring, and sometimes insidious messages that our children get from adults and the world around them that impact their ultimate success.

Consider this example:

In the carpool line a parent asks her child Jorge how school was, when he pauses, struggling to find a response, she moves on to his sister, effectively letting Jorge off the hook. Then later in the evening when making Father's Day plans, mom tells Jorge to let his sisters make the cards, "we'll buy one for you to give Dad". In both cases, through words and actions, Jorge gets the message that his mom thinks he is not up to the task. These messages are harmless, right? Likely so, if Jorge on balance gets many more incoming messages from his mom and his environment that he is capable. But if not, these “less than” messages pile up in Jorge’s psyche, and research shows that over time Jorge himself comes to believe that he can’t.

As the most influential people in our child's life, the messages that we parents send on a daily basis through our words and behavior are critical. They can send the all-important, life-changing message that we believe our child is capable, or they can send the message that we are fearful and believe our child is somehow "less than". -Dr. Deborah Winking, Capable

This line of reasoning is universally true, but the stakes are particularly high for our kids with identified special needs. What we believe about our children, impacts our thoughts and behaviors toward them. The game changer is that these thoughts and behaviors can actually impact our child's success over the long haul.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. What do I say to my child that communicates that I believe he is capable, and what do I say that communicates otherwise?

2. What do I say within earshot of my child that communicates that I believe he is capable, and what do I say within earshot that communicates otherwise?

3. What actions do I take that communicate that I believe my child is capable, and what actions do I take that communicates otherwise?

Try it on: Keep a journal for a couple of weeks of the things you say to your child (including those that you say within earshot of your child) as well as the actions that back up your words. If you have a partner, review each other’s journals. Review your journal(s) in light of the questions above.

Next time:

We will begin to discuss how to change those messages, but for now I want you to reflect on your beliefs about your child and the messages that follow from those beliefs.

‘Low tone,’ ‘fast growing cells,’ ‘tumors,’ ‘developmental delay,’ 'rigid thinking patterns' ‘high arched palette’... the words kept tumbling out of the genetic doc's mouth. Would they ever stop? As he continued to rattle off the laundry list of characteristics attached to my son's syndrome, I realized that a diagnosis (this big scary thing that I feared) is nothing more than a group of letters that form a word which came to be attached to a list of symptoms. A collection of little realities. Put them all together and would you have a whole child? No. Even if you pasted them edge to edge in paper doll shape it wouldn't amount to even half a child. No. This guy's list did not include "quirky sense of humor", "killer crooked smile", "impossibly long lashes that women would die for", "gentle empathy", "take-it-to-the-mat stubbornness", "great listener"... In just under two years, I had come to know all these beautiful complexities in my child. No, the genetic doc’s litany of characteristics did not begin to capture MY child.

Before you were made aware of the word associated with your child's condition, there was a reality, a rhythm to life, a way of seeing your child in the world. The question now is, how does the diagnosis or label change that reality? How much weight do you give to that pronouncement? The answer: a diagnosis is important, but don't make it everything.

Parents, grandparents, caregivers, listen up here: The problem is not so much the diagnosis as it is the limitations that we come to assume in our child because of that diagnosis. It is precisely what changes (or doesn’t) within us as the most influential people in our children’s lives that can create seismic shifts over a lifespan.

The problem is not so much the diagnosis as it is the limitations that we come to assume in our child because of that diagnosis.

A realtor friend of mine reminds me that in her line of work it is all about “location, location, location.” In the same way, I would argue that the diagnosis game boils down to “information, information, information.” A diagnosis can inform, but never let it drive your beliefs and actions toward your child. To the extent that the diagnosis points you toward supports, treatment, or therapies that improve daily life for your child it is a useful thing.

On the other hand, if the diagnosis kicks you, full throttle, into “sheeple” mode, resolutely buying into each prognostication associated with the diagnosis, it is dangerous.

Use it for the information and services it provides, but NEVER give a diagnosis the power to control how you view your child or how you behave toward him.

If it causes you to become fearful, overly protective or limiting, the diagnosis has officially crossed the line that separates the productive from unproductive and is doing more harm than good. I am not suggesting that parents of diagnosed children should live in denial. However, you don’t have to swallow every characteristic, indication or limitation that is associated with the syndrome or condition.

When we "expect" to see the characteristics associated with a diagnosis, we treat our child differently. We find ourselves searching for signs of "disability" in what may be just typical developmental variation. For example, early on my son had difficulty with numbers. If I bought into the "cognitive delay" descriptor associated with his syndrome, then his mixing up numbers is sure sign of intellectual impairment. The real problem occurs if I begin thinking of my son as less than capable in that area which leads me to treating him differently. This is how a diagnosis can change us in subtle ways that can have devastating consequences over the course of a childhood.

Remember, our children are children first, with complicated personalities, interests, and developmental rhythms. They share more in common with other kids than they do with a collection of clinical attributes.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. What are the characteristics or "attributes" of my child's diagnosis or label?

2. Which of these match up with what I know about my child? Which do not?

3. What specific information does the diagnosis provide that I can use to improve daily life for my child?

Try it on: Make a list of your child's personality traits, endearing (or not so endearing) characteristics, and uniquenesses. Keeping going and see how long you can make the list. See how much more your child is than her diagnosis. Note all the places where the diagnosis falls short of describing your child.

Next time:

We will focus on how to build an environment for our kids with special needs that reinforce the idea that they are capable!

Parenting is tough on a good day... It is exponentially more challenging when your child is carrying around a diagnosis or a label. As a Ph.D of Educational Psychology, researcher, special education teacher and humble mother of four who has walked in your shoes through every frazzled day, I get that each one of us have signed up for (apologies to the US Army) "the toughest job we'll ever love".

Back when I worked with students on the autism spectrum, I sat across the desk from many a confused and beleaguered mom or dad, so yeah, I knew it was tough. But it was not until my own child was diagnosed with a rare genetic syndrome that I was forced to come to terms with the stakes both for me and my son.

Let's face it no parent of a child with a special need forgets "diagnosis day". You know, that day when the bottom falls out of your world. Just like you remember where you were when the Twin Towers fell, you remember the day when some pediatrician, psychologist, geneticist,or diagnostician told you that based on some measure your child just didn't "measure up".

But in our case, even before "diagnosis day" we knew that all was not well. When Jack could not muster the strength to breast feed, lift his head, hold himself up on his elbows when laying on his tummy, form words so that they could be understood, we knew. When his twin sister blew by developmental milestones that confounded him, we knew. In our busy family it would have been easier to leave him behind, "where he was safer, more comfortable, better off". But for me this was unacceptable, I vowed that Jack would do everything that his twin sister did! My son would not be left behind. The next 20 years tells the rest of this high expectations parenting story.

I will continually challenge you to focus not on what "is" but what "is possible" for your child, regardless of his or her current functioning level.-Dr. Deborah Winking, Capable

Each child is unique and our goals may differ wildly based on the individual. However, we all have dreams, goals and imaginings for our child, those persistent little inklings of what "could be". For some it may be independently engaging in self-care tasks. For others it may be holding down a job someday, or having a friend, or ordering at a restaurant, or even going to college. Regardless of where our child starts, we need to dare ourselves to imagine these possibilities.

In this space, I will continually challenge you to focus not on what “is” but what “is possible” for your child, despite his or her current functioning level. In my upcoming book Capable, I share my own parenting journey while weaving in the research, my professional experience and that of others along the way. What comes through loud and clear is that there are no quick fixes. Parenting is a game of inches. Ultimately, I hope this blog will provide you with the inspiration to transform what you think and how you respond to your child day in and day out so that over time he or she gets the all-important message that he is “capable”.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. What are your hopes for your child?

2. What do you imagine your child doing in 5 years? 10 years years? as an adult?

Try it on: Imagine the possible. Use the questions above to imagine your desired future for your child. Use a journal to record your imagined future as a statement (e.g.,"My child will effectively communicate her needs","My child will enter the vocational program.", "My child will be a cub scout" etc.) Refine your imagined future statement as needed over time.

Next post... I will focus on how to build an environment for your child that reinforces the idea that he or she is capable!