Todd Perelmuter's Blog

No matter what we are suffering from, it tends to stem from us being stuck to a mental story about that thing that happened. Usually, the thing itself is long over, but we are unable to let go of the past. The past then shapes our present and can dictate our future as well.

When we have been through a traumatic experience, there’s really two things we need to do to heal from that trauma. 

Step 1) Become More Aware And More Present

The first thing is to really be aware of all the ways that the traumatic situation has affected us. Oftentimes, it comes out unconsciously. We may assume a person is thinking something based on the way a past relationship dynamic took place.

So if in one situation, a person reacted to a certain thing in a certain negative way, we may assume that someone else is going to have that same reaction. And we then respond unconsciously, and we project another person’s psyche onto a present relationship.

We assume that every person will traumatize us, will react negatively in the same way, and we fall back into old patterns where we are not dealing with the person in front of us, we are dealing with a person from our past.

And so we need to become aware of every way that a person has affected us. And we need to maintain that awareness in these moments where we regress into our habitual reaction. By maintaining our present moment awareness, we can respond instead of react.

We can choose love instead of anger or projection. Because only when we are present and aware can we see what is happening as it’s really happening, and see it for what it really is. When we lose ourselves in our thoughts, and we start that habitual thinking and projection, we start to assume what the other person is thinking, what they meant.

And oftentimes, we assume the worst, because we’ve experienced the worst. When we stay present, we are calm, we’re not jumping to conclusions in our mind, and we are able to give people the benefit of the doubt — people who are not the ones who traumatized us. So it’s very important that we practice staying present. And there are many ways to do that.

Meditation and the Universe as Conscious

Meditation is a powerful practice for becoming present. Observing something in the present moment repeatedly and consistently, whether it’s a mantra or our breath. But we can turn every moment of our daily life into a practice for present moment awareness.

One of my favorite ways to do this is to think of the universe as conscious, which it may very well be. One of the amazing aspects of the universe is that matter only appears when it is observed. There have been scientific experiments that have proven this, particles act like energy, and then when they are observed, they collapse down into a state of matter.

And it’s almost as though when observed, the universe says, “Oh no, someone’s looking, quick, act like matter.” And so it’s very possible that the universe is conscious.

When we treat the universe as conscious, when we act as though it is an entity that we can show care and compassion and mindfulness to, just like we show it to a pet, when we caress and pet it, and are gentle and mindful with it, something shifts.

When we treat the entire universe this way, we become mindful in every moment of our life. Instead of just touching a table, we really feel the table with our full senses. We feel the seat we’re sitting on with our full attention and mindfulness.

We treat the universe like it has feelings and cares about how we feel. In doing so, we have a relationship with the universe instead of feeling separate from it. In this way, whenever we touch anything, which is always touching something, we give it our full attention. We feel every little sensation.

We become more gentle, more mindful, and more present. With that little shift in consciousness, that when we treat the universe well, it will treat us well, we open ourselves to a world of possibility and create a habit of being present and mindful.

This is one of the most powerful practices we can do. And it doesn’t matter if the universe is conscious or not. Because all that happens is everything seems a little more magical, and we become much more present, mindful, and alive.

When we become our most mindful, gentle selves, then in any relationship, in any moment, we are not going to react unconsciously. We’re not going to put up walls and get defensive. We’re not going to lose our temper or get angry.

We treat everyone as the soulful energy and consciousness that they are. We treat everything in the universe with the same compassion, gentleness, and mindfulness. In this way, we stop lashing out at others, we stop reverting back to old habitual patterns, and we stop treating our loved ones as though they are someone who hurt us.

In this way, relationships improve, our level of peace expands, and we feel a deep connection to everything and everyone around us.

There is even a great deal of scientific exploration happening right now into the conscious universe, and the idea that from consciousness, all matter has been created. It is very compelling research.

You’re not crazy to do this. And all it does is make life more interesting and fun. It’s not about whether it is real or not, it’s about the effects of looking at the universe as a conscious universe.

So that is number one, the step for becoming more aware and more present.

Step 2) Heal Trauma in the Body

The second step is to recognize that we hold trauma not just in our mind, but in our body. It is very important to physically release that trauma. There are many ways to do that as well. Yoga and exercise are incredibly powerful for loosening the body and burning off that stress-response adrenaline chemical that accumulates.

Self-love is super important, whatever that looks like for you. It is so important that we show ourselves the love that we lacked in the past when we developed that trauma. It could be massages, it could be watching comedy and laughter — getting that guttural, visceral reaction of laughter, which is so healing and so powerful.

It’s essential to recognize in our body where we are holding on to this stress. Are our muscles tense? Are we holding our breath or shallow breathing? We can do some deep, slow, calm breathing, not stressed, not forced, not so deep that it’s tensing our body, but naturally paying attention to our breath, slowing it down, and allowing that rich oxygen to get to our muscles and truly heal our body from the inside out.

The breath is so powerful. Simply taking deep breaths, the more the better, every chance you can take a conscious deep breath brings you into the present moment and can release any tension we’re holding on to.

Any kind of reminder that we put around the house that says “breathe,” “don’t forget to breathe,” “just breathe”, whatever it is for you, even a little Buddha statue, anything that reminds you to remember your breath will instantly transport you into the present moment and remind your body to relax. It is so important that we do this throughout the day.

One conscious breath completely disrupts our constant train of thought and creates an entirely new train of thought that is positive and based on that present-moment, peaceful, calm awareness. Just one moment of that can instantly transform your day, your life, your relationships.

So be sure that you allow your body to recognize the tension that we’re all holding on to and release it.

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The post How to Stop Carrying Old Relationship Trauma Into New Ones appeared first on EastWesticism.

Most people tend to hear negative stories about themselves or others and believe those. It’s very difficult for many people to believe positive stories about themselves. And it doesn’t always come from others, often it comes from our own mind. Our own mind tells a negative, fear-based story, and it shapes a pessimistic and scary world for us.

Whether someone says something rude or critical and we believe it, or our own mind says it, at the end of the day it is the story of our mind. Because when someone says something critical, our mind has to either choose to believe it or choose to believe something else.

And because our egos, which were survival tools for living in tribes and in nature, are not really fit for having a joyful, happy life in this eight-billion-person world, the mind tends to choose fear. It looks for threats, for something missing, for danger. So it’s easier to believe the negative story.

But we don’t live in that survival world anymore. We rarely have to defend ourselves from bears, and we are not standing at the edge of a cliff every day. So we have to be aware: it is the ego, the thinking mind, creating so much of this negative story. And just by becoming aware of that story, we can respond to it. We don’t have to believe it. We can consciously choose to believe a story that makes us happier, more confident, optimistic, and peaceful.

When someone says something mean, we can notice the story forming, and then interpret it in a way that serves us. To interpret it any other way is madness and laziness. 

If we put even a little effort into looking at a mean comment deeply, we see there is no basis for that person to have authority over our truth. And we can see that a person who speaks with cruelty is clearly trapped in their own pain and negative story.

Any good person lifts people up. Only hurt people try to bring others down. That doesn’t mean they are bad, it means they are struggling too. And they are not the arbiters of reality.

You have more knowledge, insight, and authority about who you are than anyone else ever will. No one will ever be inside your mind but you.

So the correct conclusion is this: interpret reality in the way that best serves you. When someone says something kind, accept it as the honesty of a kind person. And when someone says something cruel, understand they are suffering. Respond with compassion, and with a stronger sense of self-worth, not a weaker one.

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The post How do we stop believing negative comments from others? appeared first on EastWesticism.

Our bodies respond to the thoughts in our head. We make choices because of our thoughts. And if we have a scary thought, we feel fear. If our thoughts are angry in nature, we feel anger. If we have worrying thoughts, we feel stressed and anxious. If they are positive, we feel good and happy.

We think reality effects our thoughts, but it is our thoughts that create our reality. Most of us simply have an untrained mind. Our mind is our master. The ego runs the show.

In this podcast, I talk about how our higher self can take back the reins of our mind. I discuss how our egos took control in the first place and the sneaky tricks it uses to hold on to power. And I share some simple solutions for taming the mind so that it becomes our loyal, helpful companion instead of our moody, needy, and impulsive boss.

Please enjoy other episodes where I share meditation techniques, tips and spiritual lessons from around the world for peaceful and stress-free living. Remember to subscribe to stay up-to-date.

*****
If my words have ever touched your heart or helped you through a hard moment, I’d be deeply grateful for your support in keeping this podcast alive. Support the Podcast

And if you’d like to explore these ideas in greater depth, you can find all of my books here.

The post Path to Peace Is Your Mind Playing These 4 Tricks on You? How to Take Back Control of Your Mind appeared first on EastWesticism.

Learning to trust people after being lied to is not easy. It can fill us with confusion when dealing with others, we don’t know if we’re being too trusting or too cynical. We struggle to maintain a positive view of people while also protecting ourselves from being taken advantage of.

Our brain has a way of creating strong memories of negative experiences as a defense mechanism to prevent them from happening again. Most of the time, this is an advantage.

But when it prevents us from recognizing how often people have been honest, it can distort our perception of others. The truth is, most people are honest, we just don’t always notice it. When a waiter says they’ll bring your food, nearly 10 out of 10 times, they follow through. We trust them, but we don’t consciously acknowledge them as an honest person. Yet, honesty is more common than we realize.

At the same time, we must remember that everyone is capable of both honesty and dishonesty. Even good people sometimes lie for reasons that seem necessary to them. That’s where judgment and wisdom come in. If we project distrust onto the world, we will find thieves and liars. But if we believe in the existence of honest, decent people doing their best, the universe will reflect that back to us.

This is how we return to a balanced, centered path, one where we are self-protective yet open to the beauty of the world. There is a way to trust without unnecessary risk, to be open without foolishness or naivety, and to know when to trust and when to set healthy boundaries.

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The post Trust After Betrayal: Finding Balance Between Caution and Openness appeared first on EastWesticism.

A question I received recently was, “I added 4 inches of height to my dating profile. I now have dates lined up for the first time in my life. Now, I am tempted to keep it this way.”

These days, it may seem like everyone is stretching the truth on dating sites. Camera angles are purposefully mysterious, pixelated old photos hide our age, and the bios may better describe fictional people from our imaginations.

So what is the balance? 

Where is the line between self-promotion and downright deception? 

And does it even matter? 

Do truthful people get ahead, or do the swindlers of the world always get their mate?

It can be very tempting to fudge a little here and exaggerate a little there in our dating profiles in order to attract people that we think we would like to connect with.

And it’s very possible that we get some dates, maybe even get a couple of second dates. But obviously, these exaggerations will be found out.

Eventually, they can really only take you so far. 

So the question really becomes, do you want to start a relationship based on dishonesty? 

Do you really want to attract a mate who has superficial demands? 

And do you really want to start a relationship out of insecurity and a lack of confidence?

Or do you think it’s more likely that when you overcome this insecurity, which may be mostly in your own mind, and turn it to your advantage, when you truly own it, that’s where real attraction and magnetism come from? 

Because confidence is the most attractive quality to a potential partner.

So the question really just comes down to: do you want first dates, or do you want a lasting relationship? Do you want a person who cares about how people feel on the inside, how they think and act, or how they are physically presenting?

Oftentimes, when someone is focused on looks and physicality, they do that out of a lack of inner richness and spiritual wealth. They look at themselves through the same superficial lens that they see everyone else. So if you want a superficial relationship, then by all means, fudge away.

But if you want something deeper, if you want something lasting, if you want a relationship built on trust, mutual respect, kindness, and love, then it may be worth it to have fewer dates with more quality people.

And if you’re fudging the numbers, you may get lots of first dates, but there may be no second dates with someone who would actually care for you for who you are. Because once the lie inevitably gets found out, they may not want a second date — whereas the right person would have, if there had been honesty upfront. 

So I think a better choice is to make peace with what we’re least secure about. There are many beautiful people out there, inside and outside, who don’t care about the things we are insecure about. What they do care about is confidence and inner strength, as well as honesty.

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The post To Lie or Not to Lie on Dating Profiles? That Is the Question appeared first on EastWesticism.

Study after study has shown that meditation can lower our perception of pain. Some dentists now even offer meditation training for pain reduction instead of using anesthesia!

The fact is, our mindset not only affects how much we feel pain; it also often creates the pain by holding tension in the body. Tension in the body is one of the leading causes of chronic pain. It leads to tight muscles which more easily tear. It leads to stiffness, pain that can move around the body, injuries, and even gastric and skin issues — not to mention cardiovascular disease and cancer in some cases.

We know that stress is related to 90% of doctors’ visits. What we often fail to realize is that stress and tension in the body are single-handedly what cause so many of these visits. Our mind changes our body. The placebo effect proves this every single day.

Meditate for Pain

Please get comfortable in whatever position that is for you, whether it’s sitting on cushions or on a chair or couch, or propped up in bed. Whatever is most comfortable.

Gently close your eyes, if that’s available to you, and just allow your breath to slow and deepen.

We’re going to just set aside any worries, fears, and stress we may have about our pain. We’re going to feel it without worry, without panic. We’re just going to sit with it without resistance, without looking away, and without negativity toward it.

While we can’t directly make the pain stop just by thinking, when we stop feeling stress and internalizing that stress as tension in our body, healing becomes easier. 

And when we are fully at peace and activate our parasympathetic nervous system to allow for healing and recovery, we can stop most pain, strengthen our immune system, heal from anxiety and depression, lower blood pressure, and improve our heart health.

We can heal faster and speed up the recovery of any injury.

Now, turn your attention from wherever there’s pain to your breath, and put all of your attention there so that it is the only thing you’re perceiving and feeling.

Visualize black smoke coming out when you exhale, and pristine white steam coming in with each inhale.

Visualize in your mind’s eye that the black smoke is taking all pain, any illness, any blockages in the body, any place that tension is held, and it’s coming out with each breath as we blow out that black smoke.

We breathe in that clean, healing white steam reaching every cell of our body, nourishing and healing. Breathing out black smoke. Taking a nice, deep, clean inhale of steam, filling our lungs, reaching our bloodstream, and completely healing us all over our body.

As we breathe out that black smoke, all our stress, our anger, our resentments, all our worries and fears release with it.

Breathing in that white steam rich in oxygen, having it go right to our pain. Breathing out all of our pain. Connecting our breath to our pain with our awareness.

Now breathe out that last plume of black smoke, carrying all the traces of pain away.

Expanding Love & Light

Now visualize a white, shining ball of energy in front of you, radiating love right at your heart, filling your heart with a glowing light. That glowing light from your heart expands farther and farther, filling your whole body with healing light.

Your light expands beyond your body, shining and filling up the room… beyond your house… across the city, shining love on all beings, people and critters, birds and bugs, across the state, beyond the country, engulfing the whole world, and radiating into space in every direction. This energy of love.

Slowly open your eyes as you take this love and peace into your day, and carry it into how you view your pain, so we don’t create more pain by worrying, stressing, or being afraid.

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The post How Meditation Reduces Pain: A Simple Practice for Real Relief appeared first on EastWesticism.

We’ve all seen the memes about cutting out anyone in your life who drains your energy or doesn’t appreciate you. But those people too are clearly suffering and maybe we can help them. If we cut every person out of our lives who isn’t perfect, we’d have to cut everyone out of our lives, including ourselves.

So where’s the line? How can we show compassion and forgiveness, but still protect ourselves?

This article goes into setting healthy boundaries, protecting our mental peace, and how to show love and compassion to others without putting ourselves in a vulnerable position.

Every single person deserves to be treated with love, respect, and dignity. Toxic situations and toxic people have no place in your life. You don’t have to sacrifice your peace for someone else. You don’t have to put yourself in a position to be taken advantage of or abused.

Sometimes, the greatest act of love is a kind and peaceful no.

No to cruelty,

No to trauma, 

No to toxicity.

We are each treated how we allow others to treat us. A peaceful no is more positive than a yes that comes from a place of wanting to please others.

Every one of us deserves relationships that respect and honor each person, not relationships where you have to change your truth to make someone feel better, or change your opinion to keep the peace, or bite your tongue because you feel unsafe expressing yourself.

It is each of our rights to cut off people who are negative or hurtful, if done in a loving and compassionate way.

So much of what we see online talks about cutting toxic people out of your life and removing yourself from toxic situations. And while that is very important, it’s also important not to go too far, not to cut out someone who may tell you the truth because they love you. Not to push away someone who challenges your negative patterns or holds up a mirror to help you grow.

That’s why it’s so important to introspect, to look inward, and to meditate on these questions:
Am I cutting someone out too soon?
Am I failing to show compassion to someone who needs it?

Because so often, people are acting out from hurt and pain. Many of these people are not toxic, they are simply traumatized.

As society becomes more fragmented, fractured, and isolated, it’s more important than ever to create strong bonds with people we can truly be ourselves, with people we can be compassionately honest with, and who are worth fighting for.

Every single one of us has gone through experiences — big or small — that have shaped us in some way. Even little comments from childhood can stay with us for our entire lives.

It is only together that we can truly heal, let go, and share our troubles and joys. Connection is healing. Studies have shown that close communities heal faster.

This is why ancient kings would banish people from the kingdom as a punishment worse than death. Isolation hurts more deeply than we realize.

It’s important to be truthful and not passive-aggressive in our closest relationships, because passive aggression only leads to more pain down the line. Only in truth and honesty can strong relationships be built, hard times overcome, and even certain endings handled with compassion.

With this clear-eyed perspective, your heart will guide you, it will tell you which relationships are worth investing in and which ones you need to lovingly release.

Because you are worthy of love and generosity — and you deserve to find it, share it, and spread it.

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The post Compassion, Boundaries, and the Power of a Peaceful No appeared first on EastWesticism.

We all have trouble thinking before we speak and act. We want to be present and flow, but we also want to be careful and thoughtful of what we do. 

So how do we think before we act and still be present? How do we stop impulsive behavior, giving into addiction and addictive urges, and reacting from anger or losing our temper?

Why do we sometimes say something we don't mean, act impulsively, or hurt others unintentionally? And most importantly, how can we become aligned in our words, thoughts and actions so that we no longer have to watch we say and do?

In this podcast, I share a simple but powerful 2-step process for maintaining our presence, our wisdom, and our peace and clarity so that we can always act in the most skilled and beneficial way that leads to longterm peace and wellbeing for ourself and our loved ones.

Please enjoy other episodes where I share meditation techniques, tips and spiritual lessons from around the world for peaceful and stress-free living. Remember to subscribe to stay up-to-date.

*****
If my words have ever touched your heart or helped you through a hard moment, I’d be deeply grateful for your support in keeping this podcast alive. Support the Podcast

And if you’d like to explore these ideas in greater depth, you can find all of my books here.

The post Path to Peace Why You React Before You Think and How to Stop — A 2-Step Process appeared first on EastWesticism.

We humans are a funny bunch of social creatures. We are not machines who can just change our emotions at will. And one of the things we crave almost as much, if not more so, than food is human connection.

A hug or a hand on someone else’s is the simplest yet most profound act of showing love and compassion. It can instantly transform our mental and emotional states. In just one moment, it communicates to someone that they are not alone, that someone is there for them.

In this article, I’ll talk more about the power of touch and how to use it to help others and ourselves.

The greatest gift we can give anyone is not jewelry, or flowers, or a new MacBook Pro. It is to simply give our attention — our full, complete, 100% attention.

To allow someone else to become a part of you. To allow their space to be, without judgment or labels, but with total acceptance. This is what true healing is all about.

In a world of attention deficit and constant distractions, it’s even more valuable to just be with someone. You don’t have to say the right thing.

Simply spending time with someone is the most wonderful thing you can do. That’s why they call it pay attention and spend time because it’s more priceless than any gift.

The act of sharing that space, putting a hand on their hand, embracing in a hug, allowing your two hearts to get within an inch of each other, to find that beat in unison, to breathe in the same pattern as naturally happens, that is where love lives.

We can give love and healing. Each and every one of us is a mystical healer. We each can do this for one another. It’s simply that warm hug that is selfless, where you’re just transferring your energy to that person, saying with your body and energy, I am here for you.

This is the greatest act of love there is. How many world leaders and dictators are simply acting out because they lacked warmth, touch, and love? The heat our bodies and hands give off is our own energy.

There is an energy convergence, this is real. This is what energy is: radiating heat, light, and love that can be felt simply through the act of touch. To look into someone’s eyes and have photons firing back and forth between you, simultaneously connecting to each other’s brains and creating a vision of the other in your minds.

This is what happens when we sit with somebody. We are taking them into our own mind and our own heart, and they, us. There is a merging that takes place, a oneness that can be felt so greatly and so powerfully as we sit in silence with another person, as we listen to anything they need to say and they to us.

There’s a Buddhist meditation anyone can do, where you sit with someone else and simply stare into their eyes for an extended period of time.

At first, it feels awkward and weird, and you want to look away. But as you break through that barrier, there is a great sense of the two becoming one. Ego dissolves. Selfishness dissolves. And what remains is a powerful connection that is truly healing and transformative, in ways that meditating alone sometimes never can be. It’s a powerful practice for anyone: friends, relatives, life partners.

Just as when we think, we think one word at a time, and when we speak, we speak one word at a time. This form of communication is very limited. One word at a time is not a lot of information.

But when we feel, when we sense, we can take in thousands, even millions, of sense perceptions all at once. We can tune into this deeper wisdom and share it with another person. We can truly commune with their soul and get an essence of their being far more effectively than through our normal mode of communication.

So do not be afraid to sit with someone. Do not be afraid of silence. Do not feel the need to always fill it.

Because simply being there for someone, being with someone, and giving them all of your being, and allowing them to give you theirs, is the most powerful, healing, and transformative experience we can have.

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The post Why Touch and Presence Are Essential for Emotional Healing appeared first on EastWesticism.

There are no wrong turns on your path if your intuition and instincts are your guides. Be careful about letting others take away your inner voice and your inner power. This path is about liberation and freedom, not freeing ourselves from our own ego only for it to be replaced by someone else’s ego. 

No enlightened being would charge huge sums of money for their “secret.” Retreats in beautiful places will naturally cost money, but from my experience, the places that were reasonably priced or donation-only provided me with the most meaningful insights and guidance.

Don’t be afraid to try lots of things and see what speaks to your heart. A wise Buddhist monk once told me, “Everyone knows something, but no one knows everything.”

Trust yourself. Keep a healthy dose of skepticism — not too much, not too little. The more you dive inward into yourself, the more you will understand the universe around you. Have fun, relax, and enjoy the wonderful journey of discovery.

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The post Remember This If You’re on a Spiritual Journey appeared first on EastWesticism.