Jessica Butler's Blog

Dear Diary,

Is business really unfinished or do we refuse to let it go? Is closure a real thing that’s needed? I used to think so but now I wonder if closure can be used as an excuse to reopen. Is that what happened with Josh and me? I thought in my head it would be ok to “flirt” because it was giving me a sense of closure I needed. Or did I really just need to take it to the next level to see the huge mistake, therefore giving myself closure?

I can tell you from experience that it doesn’t “close things up.” It only closes it slightly, then creaks back open. It becomes that door that you have to throw your body into just to make it shut. Just as you turn your back and walk away you hear the creak again. You tell yourself, just ignore it, don’t turn back around. You know though that you eventually will. Because it drives you crazy.

It consumes you. Why does it keep opening back up? Why can’t you just get it to stay shut? Does it need to be examined further? Anyway… enough with the metaphors, you get what I’m saying. Josh was the creaky door. The one that wouldn’t just shut. There was an opening and it needed to be investigated. That’s exactly what I did.

Does closure actually work with some people? I really don’t know. Ultimately, what I’ve learned is…. it really has nothing to do with the other person. They can say all of the right things and wish you well truly but they can still nag at you. That’s because you’re not finished. I wasn’t finished… not with him. If I were, seeing him wouldn’t have had the effect on me that it did. I know that. That doesn’t change what’s happened though. It doesn't change the fact that I’m here and not with Ryan. I guess this is the work, as they say. The work on myself first. It’s hard but it’s the closure I need with me.

Love, Elle

Dear Diary,

Where does attraction come from? It's crazy how for some it can come out of nowhere, without even a word spoken. Is it lasting though? For others, it builds... a slow burn. It's built on foundation, on conversations, inside jokes and life in general. Is that lasting?

With Josh, it was immediate. Before my eyes were even able to focus on him, my body knew. It had felt him before. It recognized the air change as his body walked in front of mine. I never encountered that before. It was almost like, it didn’t matter what he looked like because I just knew it would be good. As I slowly looked up and saw his eyes dance and his sinister smile form, I knew immediately two things. Damn he was hot and I was in trouble. That, ladies and gentlemen is what they call a red flag. Be careful with that. If you continue playing with that fire and desire, your mind starts to make excuses to the things that would normally tip you off. You know you just want more, always more. More of what you used to have, more of how he couldn’t get enough of you. What had happened that made Josh want to spend less and less time with me while we were dating? Why would he choose to be with his guy friends instead of with me between the sheets?

Was it because his body had cooled off from mine? Did his desire run out and it needed to be refueled by another? I often wondered if I wasn’t good enough. If the allure of me slowly faded revealing to him all along I was someone he would actually not have ever been interested in. So I tried even more. I tried so hard to pull him back into my forcefield, get back into the lust bubble with me but it was too late. He had used up all of my air and he needed to suck more from someone else. It had nothing to do with me being depleted but in fact everything to do with him. He was the empty one.

So you have to understand that when I saw him again all those years later, after all of that healing I had done, I couldn’t shake that attraction. The attraction never left me and although before I could live life forgetting that, when the vulnerabilities in my relationship with Ryan became more prevalent it opened me back up. It was perfect timing… for danger. For “forgetting” all of the red flags. Forgetting what the right thing was and mixing fantasy with reality.

I’m on the other side now, of course. Maybe I needed to go through this to see that, but I fear even writing that out is making an excuse for myself. I guess you could say I’m working through it all, healing myself yet again to an injury I thought was closed for good. Please be patient with me diary; don’t lose all hope. I’ll try as well.

Love,

Elle

Hi again Diary,

I’m going to warn you right now; I’m not in the best mood. So if I lash out on you please don’t take it personally. I’m in that in between self loathing/sadness/rage phase right now. I actually had a moment where I went to text Ryan about something funny that happened today when I remembered … he doesn’t know who you are Elle! The person that would look at me with furrowed brows while trying to simultaneously hold back from laughing doesn’t know me. I can imagine him trying to keep a straight face but his exposed dimple would ultimately give his humor inside away. Gosh, I miss him. I miss us. I wish I could go back!!!

See.. here’s where the spiral begins. I can’t go back, I can only go forward. So, what am I going to do? Am I going to sit here and reminisce about a life that I may never get back or am I going to actually create a new one that I love even more?

First issue though… Josh. How do I get rid of him? I know that sounds mean but I 100% regret everything that happened. I should have left the past in the past and instead focused on my present. It was a momentary lapse in judgment. Mistaking a dream life for my real one. I blended fantasy into reality before I even realized what was happening. The sad thing is I can’t even tell Ryan I’m sorry because he’d be like…ok stalker whatever you say.

….pause…pause…pause…. yes diary that’s me stewing. I took a moment away from writing to try getting my anger out. I tried dancing but the way my body was moving was pissing me off. I tried punching my pillow but honestly that wasn’t satisfying enough. I walked into the pantry and ate some chocolate, which did help but only momentarily.

I feel itchy. Like I want to crawl out of my skin. I need to get out of the house and get some fresh air. Actually, I do need to get some Christmas gifts so maybe I’ll head to the Christmas Market for awhile.

I’ll let you know if anything monumental happens there. Wish me luck!

Bah Humbug makes so much sense to me now.

Love ya, Elle

Dear Diary,

I think I figured it out. I’m living in two lives at the same time! Ok, hear me out… I know this sounds crazy. There’s a thing called “parallel lives” where you’re basically “you” but you’re living a completely different life, maybe even a different age. Think of it as you right now … but you’re also living in your past and your future at the same time. I know it hurt my brain too. Anyways, what if I’m doing that? Instead though of it feeling like a completely separate life, I’m dipping in and out of each one? So in one life I’m married to Ryan and in another I’m married to Josh, all depending on what decisions I’m making. So …. maybe that kiss with Josh threw me into that life? It kinda makes sense doesn’t it? Does this happen to everyone at some point and maybe we just don’t realize …or what if it does but that’s actually when we dream!! Diary, I think I should publish this somewhere because I think I just figured out something huge. I’m going to call Gwen and see what she thinks, hang on.

Update: she doesn’t think I’m crazy but doesn’t see how it’s possible either. A simple kiss can’t hold that much power right? Or can it? If that’s the case could I just kiss Ryan and bring me back? How would I go about that though, Elle? I just met him the other day in his eyes. I can’t just throw myself at him. Especially because he thinks I’m married to Josh now! He served us our anniversary meal even, I mean it can’t get much more twisted than that! He’s a good man .. he would never act on an impulse with a married woman, even if he is attracted. Wait, what if he isn’t? What if in this life, I’m not his type?! Ok I’m spiraling again. Maybe I’ll just have to drive to that coffee shop again and hope the universe jumps in for us to meet once more. I’m not giving up hope yet.

Love you Diary!

-Elle

Dear Diary,

Yep… I saw him. I didn’t mean to; at least not in the way I envisioned. I was totally fine with the idea of driving past him walking into his restaurant, being a voyeur. Of course life doesn’t work out that way. Life decides to smack them right into you. Or in my case, have him pay the remainder of your bill when you’ve decided to purchase a latte and not one but two desserts! He was such a gentleman and I was instantly intoxicated off of his energy. Just like I used to be. He had no idea who I was, I mean how could he? He’s not going through this weird time warp like I am! Did he feel my energy, or was it just passing by him? Did he feel his heart dip like mine did? When did I start taking him for granted? When did I stop seeing how unbelievable he is? I used to get lost in his eyes but now I find myself just lost in general. This moment though made me remember. The want, the need to see him again. The electricity that comes from smelling his scent. Oh diary, I am a complete and utter mess. Maybe you’ll help me find myself again, you know me so well. I need to figure out why this is happening. Is the point of it all to see what it is I so carelessly threw to the side? There’s a part of me that also sees this isn’t just about Ryan. I threw myself to the side as well. Am I a stranger to myself? Hmm….that’s something to think about. I’m a stranger to my husband and more importantly, I’m a stranger to me. Alright.. I vow to discover who Elle is. Wish me luck Diary!

Love ya,

Elle

I’m realizing something. It seems I’ve held back. In what way, you may be asking. What I mean is, I’ve held back my inner thoughts. I’ve been afraid to express my feelings and my fantasies, in fear of judgment. Or maybe it was because I knew it would happen anyways and I didn’t want it to stop? The point is I didn’t vocalize things, because of fear. Why is fear so profound in our decisions? What are we afraid of exactly? If I had talked to Ryan or even my best friend, Gwen maybe this could have all been avoided. I could have talked to someone impartial as well, a professional maybe? But I didn’t. I thought I could just push through, throw my feelings over my shoulder and continue. What kind of life is that? Ask yourself this Elle…what happened when you told Gwen? Did she think something was wrong with you? Was she disgusted by you? No, she was there. She listened. She understood and most importantly she didn’t judge.

I don’t know Diary, maybe the message of this entry is to ask for help. To share all of the parts of yourself, especially the scary parts. If I never accept my thoughts and speak them out then they stay hidden, they stay secretive. What’s the saying, you’re only as sick as your secrets? That hits home. So… time to get healthy, in every way possible. Time to flush out my mind and body and for once deal with the thoughts consuming me. Time to accept Elle, flaws, quirks and all.

-TTYL, Elle (member when we you used to write this in school haha. Im bringing it back!)

Dear Diary,

Told ya this would get deep fast! So this song came on and it felt like it spoke to my soul. Has someone been listening to my thoughts? I’ve been reflecting a lot on why I did what I did to Ryan. I shared with Gwen what was going on but I haven’t written it down to you yet. Yes, you know I love him. Yes we have had a lovely relationship and marriage.

Things shifted though once he started working on his restaurant. “Our” project became “his”. Which is fine but I guess I didn’t expect that? I was so used to us always building things together that when it didn’t feel like that anymore I became lost. Why do I have such a problem with it? I have my books… that’s my thing, not Ryans and he has no issues with it.

A lot was left unspoken I see now. I should have just articulated this sooner to him instead of letting resentment build. Resentments a funny thing huh? It creeps in and if it’s not addressed it snowballs. Finally the snowball tramples over the person you have resentment towards and you’re the only one left standing.

Cue Josh! He came to me at the perfect time. It’s like he got an alert on his phone that said, “Ryan’s down, Elle’s vulnerable, come on in!!!” Ugh, if only I talked to Ryan sooner, this could have all been avoided. I could’ve spoken to him about how my feelings were hurt because that’s the real root of the problem right? Hurt. Hurt turns to anger when it’s not expressed properly. Being hurt is incredibly scary and uncomfortable and rather than shy away from it, it should be tackled head first.

This is really enlightening and I wish I could talk to Ryan about it, but I can’t. This Ryan has no clue about any of this. I’d sound like a crazy person if I told him. No .. no I’m doing the right thing by trying to distance myself from him.

I am doing the right thing, right?

Love, Elle

I’d put the date here but the truth is, I don’t know when it is.

All I know is… I did a bad thing.

All writers have their ways of getting their thoughts down, whether it’s typing it, making brainstorming webs or writing short hand. Mine is old-fashioned. I first start out getting out a notebook and writing like I used to as a kid. I even write out to the mythical “Diary”. My Dear, Dear Diary. She knows me so well and she never judges. Anyways, so much is going on in my brain and for once I’m struggling on how to get it all down. I decided to use this space to share with you, my dear, dear readers my innermost thoughts.

So… welcome to the mind of Elle. I hope you brought snacks, and a glass or two of wine as well because baby … you’re gonna need it!

-Love ya! Elle