Douglas Bell's Blog

Dating a transgender woman is no different than dating someone else, but is that really the case? Each person is unique and has different preferences when it comes to dating. From personality to interests, people look at multiple aspects before choosing the one.

Navigating any relationship can be challenging, especially if you are new to the trans-dating world. Dating a trans person may seem complicated, but like every other relationship, YOU have to make it work if you really want to. Moreover, experiences vary from person to person, so it's good to learn things to help you start on the right foot and respect your partner's choices.

Love Knows No Bounds

You fall in love with personas, ideas, energy, souls, personalities, and not gender. Love isn't limited to two mainstream genders. Do not hesitate to fall completely and blindly in love with your partner regardless of how they identify themselves. Every individual deserves love, affection, and respect. It's a human right independent of gender, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status.

Stigma Surrounding Trans-Dating

There is still a lot of stigma around having trans partners. People question your sexuality, pass derogatory remarks, or simply question your love. Just know, it's not about them; it's your life, your preferences, and nobody gets a say in who you date. Just because you don't abide by social norms doesn't make you the odd one out. Everybody deserves love regardless of their sexual orientation.

Here are some things you need to know about dating a trans woman:

Respect Their Gender Identity

Use the name and pronouns they prefer as it plays a major role in their identity and self-worth. Not using their preferred pronouns mean disrespecting their gender identity. The first step towards acceptance and respect is to address them correctly.

Become an Ally

Educate yourself about the trans issues, their struggles, and the stigma surrounding them. Also, become an ally to not only show support to your partner but also the LGBTQ+ community.

Communicate Openly

Communicate your needs, boundaries, and expectations to them, and let them do the same. This help starts the relationship on the right foot and ensures no unrealistic expectations are set. Be patient with them and yourself; it may be a bumpy road, but what relationship isn't? As long as you and your partner feel respected and comfortable, you can pass any hurdle.

Be Curious, Not Invasive

Educate yourself about trans experiences but do not go asking around your partner everything that confuses you. Take a breath, trust the process, know they will share things, and explain whatever puzzles you when they're comfortable enough.

Provide Them With a Safe Environment

It's crucial for you to provide your partner with a safe environment where they can express themselves without the fear of judgment and feeling like an odd one out. Making sure your peers are not only nice to them but also respect their sexual orientation and gender specification and address them with their preferred pronouns.

Be There for Them

Regardless of what stage of transitioning they're in, support them nonetheless. They still may be going through turmoil due to all the stigma and lack of acceptance. Having someone to lean on is all they need. It will require you to be patient and understanding to make things comfortable for your trans partner.

Don't Treat Them Like a Fetish

Don't go on dates or approach a trans woman just to tick a fetish off your list. They're human, not novelty items. Avoid questions about their genitalia, and don't objectify them. It's insensitive, invasive, and a violation of their rights and privacy.

Facilitate Their Personal Growth

As partners, you should be contributing to each other's personal growth. There's a lot of stuff they deal with every day, which only hinders their personal growth by leaving them clueless about how to continue embracing their identity. Here's where you need to be there for them, support them, respect them, and help them cope. This is only possible once you realize your privileges in society simply by addressing yourself with what society considers "normal."

Respect Their Privacy

Every individual's privacy matters the most, and they have complete authority over who to let know of their personal matters, including sexual orientation. Don't force your partner to come out to the world if they haven't yet. Give them time and space to feel comfortable with their sexuality, especially if they are still transitioning, and support them.

Don't Overstep Their Sexual Boundaries

Respect their boundaries and consent, including their comfort over being touched a certain way or not, and also sexual activities they want to indulge in. Be there for them and understand them rather than making them feel bad or manipulating the situation. Moreover, if you feel uncomfortable with a situation, voice your concern and communicate.

Don't Ask Inappropriate Questions About Their Body

Don't start by asking them about their body and the changes they may or may not have made. They have full autonomy over their body and the right to discuss their bodies. Unless they're comfortable and ready to let you in, do not be invasive.

Don't Keep Them a Secret

Due to the stigma surrounding dating trans people, people often hide their relationships or don't fully embrace their partners in front of their peers. Own them loud and proud; love wins!

Don't Give Insensitive Compliments

Be mindful while complimenting your partner. Telling them you don't look 'Trans' or "I never would've thought you're a man" aren't compliments. They're insensitive and demeaning. Find other ways to compliment them just like you would adore others. Everything doesn't have to be different about being with a trans partner.

Final Words

All in all, experiences vary from person to person. We've tried our best to acknowledge all the factors that might impact your dating life with a trans woman. To read up more on the topic, read Cakewalk by Douglas Bell; the author narrates the story of a straight man who finds himself attracted to a trans woman and his experiences dating a trans woman while belonging to a conservative family.

There is a moral behind every story. Little Red Riding Hood taught us never to trust strangers. Goldilocks taught us about boundaries. Cinderella taught us kindness will only be rewarded with kindness. And the story of Belle in Beauty and the Beast taught us that inner beauty will always outshine physical appearance.

Fiction has always been an effective way to pass down wisdom from generation to generation. It also helps us navigate emotions, from sorrow to happiness, with an exciting twist.

When you need an escape, fictional heroes offer the perfect comfort—taking us to a world where everything is possible. But not everyone prefers a stereotyped cis character to save them. Some may want heroes that transcend the bounds of gender. Remember, representation matters.

Trans and queer literature is a developing subgenre of fiction. It describes a world beyond conventional definitions and categories. Queer Fiction is making waves for its groundbreaking portrayal of gender and sexuality. It is a worthwhile opportunity for trans and non-binary readers to see their reflections on paper and for everyone to understand their narrative.

With more mainstream books featuring authentic LGBTQ characters, trans characters also get their long-deserved recognition. It helps readers observe these characters' empathetic and sensual side and their struggles in the face of society.

Fiction authors have contributed to LGBTQ rights without being applauded or mentioned anywhere. Although activism tools have changed throughout the decades, fiction remains a powerful weapon to educate readers about gender identity and diversity. If you stumble upon books about lesbian romance or non-binary fiction but are still contemplating reading them, this blog is for you. Many queer fiction books narrate the story of strong trans-female protagonists that help you learn valuable lessons, such as

Resilience and Courage to Stay Different in a Stereotyped Society

Throughout the long struggles of the LGBTQ community, trans activists and communities have been remarkably resilient. Although it is a constant battle, many trans females have to fight injustice at work, at home, and in society.

Queer Fiction is filled with trans female characters who successfully adapted to these odds and made themselves an irreplaceable part of society. An example of such a character is Jam, a black trans female from the book "Pet" by Akwaeke Emezi. Set in a utopian city, Jam is assured that the town has no evil. But her trust is soon shattered when mystical creatures appear in her mother's paintings. It is a perfect example of a resilient trans female character as she digs her way to the truth and saves her best friend's life while sticking true to her identity.

Empathy and Emotional Intelligence

Empathy is the fundamental identifier of humanity. It is the pillar of any human society and the core element to thrive in communities. Empathy allows different people, races, and communities to coexist in harmony.

Being trans does not make an individual different from cis and binary people; they have the same goals and dreams and live in the same society. Thus, it is crucial to interact with them and listen to understand their feelings and emotions better, rather than making assumptions or agreeing with the masses.

Queer Fiction also has some beautiful trans female characters brimming with empathy, like Mei from Wilson-Yang's novel Small Beauty. Struggling with loss and grief, Mei moves to a small town. She connects with her past and the truth behind her aunt's secret relationship. This book explains how hard it is for a transgender person to live as a minority in a world full of binaries.

Self-Awareness

In a world where chaos and distractions are a dime a dozen, it's easy to lose yourself. However, deep down, everyone can remind themselves of who they are. That is the gift of self-awareness.

Self-awareness involves identifying your feelings, thoughts, and limits and living authentically.

Trans female characters have a strong and realistic perception of life. Even when faced with backlash and unacceptance from their peers and family, they still stick to their identity. You'd find many self-aware characters, but perhaps the most memorable is Orlando from Virginia Woolf's book, Orlando.

A Strong Sense of Sisterhood

It refers to a strong bond between sisters or friends because of shared experiences and struggles. Sisterhood among trans females with their community forges a strong sense of belonging. Although it may have a different concept in different groups, its core purpose is to create an alliance between like-minded people.

Living in a cis-dominated society, trans people must stick together to build their community. Bringing queer people together who once felt alone and isolated and getting acceptance from people who have faced the same struggles elevates their confidence and gives them the strength to face the world.

A great example of sisterhood among trans women can be seen through this non-fiction collection of letters, "To my Trans Sisters" by Charlie Cragg. These letters are from successful trans women to their younger community members. It is a guidebook for trans people to navigate through different stages of life, from dating and fashion to tackling body dysmorphia and transphobia.

It Takes Courage to Be a Nonconformist Individual

In a world where conformity is regarded as the key to success, a person choosing a different path is often shunned from society. Despite their achievements and sacrifices for the community, they are judged for their personal choices. Despite all this, they stay true to themselves and do whatever it takes to be heard. Inspiring, right?

Queer fantasy also aims to represent such characters through their books and give closeted people the courage to be themselves. By writing about what matters, authors are doing what it takes to educate people about the trans community. If you want to read a realistic take on the struggles of a trans female, pick up Cakewalk by Douglas Bell. It is a captivating narrative of an ordinary man and his love for a trans woman. books about lesbian romance

They say nobody is perfect, but do they really mean it?

A mother kissing her son goodbye for school, a pat on the shoulder by a father who is proud of his son—behind these acts of affection, is there a darker reality we tend to overlook and endure thinking of them being harmless and selfless acts of affection?

If we're bound by blood and nourished through it, why is there a notion of exerting force and authority?

Amid their bragging about her perfect son, Bryan’s mother with a perfect job and two beautiful children leaves little room for young Bryan to breathe in a world already trying to bring him down.

Turns out, the reason why the world won't accept him is the very reason why his own blood won't either.

Make room for happiness.

Since we've already pried enough, let's give you a brief background on Bryan.

Bryan is the Vice President of a successful oil/gas company. Impressive, to say the least. But he's hiding a great secret.

A love affair.

Meet Nadia, a white (another point of contention) transgender female who is the perfect yin to Bryan's yang. (no pun intended)

After being divorced and raising two teenagers who are a handful themselves, it looks like Bryan's plight of finding a worthy companion has finally been answered. An answer that makes him happy and whole.

But does happiness have a place in this society's conformity criteria?

The criteria for conformity

How often do we sacrifice our happiness for someone else's? How often do we set our foot down and let a good life worth living slip away from our grasp? How often do we conform to the things we disagree with in the name of love?

We are pressured by family heritage and traditions we didn't sign up for.

It is astonishing how these notions don't cross the minds of our elders. In the pursuit of taking care of us, they impose their will and raise depressive children.

Put this into perspective.

The chances of you being born into this world were 1 in 400 trillion.

Imagine living the rest of your life conforming to norms you had no business constructing. You cry tears of pain and agony, pursuing objectives that don’t help you reach your potential or give you the satisfaction you have always craved. At the end of your life, all you are left with are "could be's" and "what ifs."

Life can be a cakewalk; all you gotta do is learn to master the steps necessary.

Yes, it is not okay to hurt feelings, but at times, life puts you in a position where people will have to understand your decisions and not vice versa.

Will Bryan be able to finally look his mother in the eye and embrace his true gender identity? Find out by picking up Douglas Bell's inspirational telltale Cakewalknow!

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What is success to you?

Is it hundreds and thousands in your bank account? Is it seeing your kids off to the college you dreamt of for yourself? Is it buying your parents a new house?

Or better yet, is it just being… happy?

What if you’re told that success in these facets is directly related to factors that have nothing to do with the journey?

What if paying your due diligence to society is the only way to succeed in your endeavors? Does that make you claustrophobic? Let’s find out why.

Paying your debts

Douglas Bell’s new novel, Cakewalk, depicts the hardships of our divorced and successful protagonist, Bryan, closeting his relationship from his mother.

Now that is one situation you can’t call “a piece of cake.”

Bryan’s success followed a promotion that deemed him fit to face the world. That’s how our society operates, right?

Forget E=Mc2; we might have just cracked the code to make it in the world. Succes=Conformity

For Bryan to achieve that level of success had to be agreeable. Among the “Yes, sirs” and “Absolutely, ma’am’s,” much like Bryan, we cage our true selves just because it is something the world wouldn’t understand.

How many people in today’s day and age consider throwing away their entire livelihood? Perhaps an easier option than embracing their true selves.

Homophobia, sexism, and fascism are commonly featured in today’s workplaces. To steer yourself away from harassment and discrimination, the only way that seems fit beside a long battle consulting human resources is to remain quiet and conform to the social structures in which you have no say.

You decide to please the world at the expense of your happiness since the day you were born. You are taught to dress how your parents decide to dress you. You go to the same school as your cousins, so you don’t “fall behind….”

Was it you who was on the brink of falling behind, or were your parents participating in a race that you had no business joining?

It is true children don’t know any better, but do they not know at all?

Adolescence

As you grow up, you slowly mature into an age where you look at the world in a different light. The concept of love and marriage, ones which you “ew-ed” at whenever you had the chance to, now doesn’t seem all that bad.

You look around and fall for the person you never thought you would. Not because they weren’t your type but because God forbids you to date someone of the same gender.

Now the world gets to decide whom you love too.

Adulthood

Congratulations, if you’ve made it so far, you succeeded… in conforming to society for the first few phases of your life. Welcome to the big leagues.

Here you shall be tested upon your mental sanity with bosses and deadlines.

But a hearty addition… (and this isn’t in the contract), your promotion might be based on the color of your skin or your sexual preference.

Silence

Let’s say you made it through adolescence and adulthood and are where you want to be. Sitting in your six-figure apartment with your two perfect children…

Greying and reminiscing, you ponder on your life and ask yourself…

Was it worth it?

You remember how differently each regretful moment could’ve turned out only if you spoke up.

But now, all you can do is drown yourself in silence. 

Will Bryan be able to embrace his relationship and avoid a life lived unfulfilled? Will he be able to come out to his mother about his relationship with a transgender woman?

I came across an article titled The Age of Distracti-pression in the New York Times. The Age of Distracti-pression - The New York Times (nytimes.com). The article talks about the pandemic and how prescription drugs for depression and anxiety are up dramatically. Anti-depression drugs are up nearly ten percent.

I believe there is a place for therapy and medication to combat the effects resulting from our fears, anxieties, and worries when we have reached mental crisis levels. I believe the universe has given us the tools to address our problems when they are not as severe as an actual mental health crisis.

I turned to faith leaders like the Dalai Lama for words to validate my feelings. Countering Stress and Depression - Tricycle: The Buddhist Review. As I read the Dalai Lama's words, a sentence in the middle of the article stands out. The Dala Lama says that his stress or worry vanishes if he can find a remedy. His job then is to find a solution. That resonated with me deeply. I must add that the Dalai Lama's thoughts imply your solution must create positive karma for your worries to lessen; that is important to know.

The Dalia Lama gives an interesting counterargument to his initial thought. If one cannot find a solution to your problem, then there is no point in worrying. There is no remedy. Nothing can be done about it; the outcome is out of your control.

I advocate that all of us do the work – meditation, prayer, scripture reading – regularly to monitor your mental state and stay clear of mind enough to find a solution. I want to go further with this thread to add the importance of seclusion, not just alone time, but seclusion in nature. There are so many distractions in the world that it will be difficult to hear the universe at the beginning. Finding a secluded place is something to aspire to in your journey to clarity.

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Such a busy month: Pride, Father's day, and Juneteenth. OMG! So much going on. I'm glad Juneteenth became a federal holiday. What Is Juneteenth? - HISTORY Juneteenth has always been a day for Black folks to be with each other with the future in mind. Juneteenth celebrates the freedoms and equality that bonds all of us as American, as stated in the Declaration of Independence.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

I hope all Americans will join their Black friends and be a part of this beautiful day primarily because our democracy was built on promoting and protecting individual freedoms. We can't let the loudest voices diminish the happiness and opportunities of these freed souls to be who they are capable of being. There is an intersectionality between honoring the lives of Black folks and the LGBTQ+ community's fight to be free. Pride month commemorates the Stonewall riots at the end of June 1969. 1969 Stonewall Riots - Origins, Timeline & Leaders - HISTORY

If Americans truly believe in the aspirational ideal of individual rights, then let's show allyship to the Black and LGBTQ+ communities. Be happy for us.

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Father's Day

Revealing the Lives of Black Fathers - The New York Times (nytimes.com) It's Father’s Day this Sunday. I am a blessed father and now a grandfather. I have two kids, a 30-year-old daughter and a 28-year-old son, who are sweet. They truly are. Writing this blog makes me reflect on fatherhood and who my father was.

The kids are grown now. I honestly don't think about Father’s Day until my wife, mother, or sister reminds me. I sometimes don't feel needed as much anymore. I saw my father struggle with feeling needed as I got older and became more independent. My spiritual practice informed me my kids' independence is not mine to own or define. It was tough for my father to balance how he perceived me with who I am. As I got older, I saw that I struggled at being more of what my father expected. I think my father saw me as weak; I cared too much about other people's feelings; I cared more about trying to bridge human decency gaps in our society than promoting my needs. My father (if he was alive) would not be happy with me writing a novel showing allyship to the gay, queer, and trans communities.

As I've matured, I understand now that my children are another opportunity to practice vulnerability. That possibility evaded my father. Father’s Day is an opportunity to cherish how our children and partners can make us better people.

 

 

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The other day a trans friend admitted she started questioning (I don't think regretting) her decision to have bottom surgery. A group of trans girls standing with their hot boyfriends on social media stirred this examination within her.  

She felt that maybe guys would like her more if she had not had the surgery. Or maybe bigger hips. We can go on. She was clear about how difficult it has been to find love. I hated she was feeling this way. Women are constantly dealing with the question: am I good enough? I find it interesting that the people who should be asking this question are not. Men look in the mirror and see a young Brad Pitt, while women lean toward a negative version of themselves. Gatekeepers dissuade women from challenging subjects while men are gifted opportunities to 'fake it until you make it.' 

As I listened to her, my daughter came to mind when I dropped her off at a large, predominantly white public university in 2009. I saw my daughter: as a young 19-year-old Black girl who did not understand that she was good enough. She had everything she needed. I explained to my daughter that she was too hard on herself. She had done the work, made good grades, and knew how to study; she was only missing the wisdom to show compassion to herself. 

My advice to my trans friend was to be compassionate with herself. Compassion is patience for life to unfold naturally. We don't have to control everything in our lives. Compassion is to stop comparing yourself to others. You are sufficient. The only woman she needs to be is the woman she wants to be. She is basing her decisions on what others (men) think or feel is unfair to her well-being. Men are too unreliable and unpredictable to believe something as important as bottom surgery, education, birth control, or having children for a woman (trans or cis) to depend on, especially if these men's commitments are not genuine or long-term.  

I will consistently tell my trans friends, my daughter, and all the women in my life to not let things (men, social media) make them question their gut, hopes, dreams, or intentions.

"Silence is sometimes the best answer." Dalai Lama

This quote is one of the simplest and most straightforward quotes while equally the hardest to do. I've always been aware of this saying. I only know this quote in a minimal way, so I decided to research the quote. I found an article from the Dalai Lama. Finding your breath is access to the silence. The silence is transformative.

I regret that Will Smith, the famous actor now known for slapping Chris Rock, did not take a moment to find his breath. He would still be Will Smith, the famous actor with the million-dollar smile and known for great movies. If Will Smith had stopped to find his breath, he could have possibly responded than reacted, leading to a much different outcome, I would hope.

I think about a time when I was still in my twenties; I quit my job mainly because I disliked my boss and was ready to be self-employed. Back then, I did not have the maturity to be patient and let the universe work through me for what was best for me. I rushed out into the world, not working the plan but reacting to the drama I created. Sometimes in life, you must just sit. Being still, being patient, not having all the answers, to stop wanting control is basically: Silence is sometimes the best answer.  

At the same time, events and situations occur in our lives to prepare us for what may/will come later in life. We should not beat ourselves up whenever we forget to be silent or react imperfectly. Life is not perfect; life is an evolution of becoming who you are ultimately meant to be.

I wrote this blog because I am currently struggling with acknowledging the power of this saying. Some mornings, I wake up patient, and I don't have to be in control. Other mornings, I want to do something that gives me answers and the control that my ego craves. Not being in control does not mean that you are out of control. I invite each of you to spend a few minutes just letting life be as it is.

Did you know March is Women's History Month? As I look for more opportunities to show allyship and compassion, I become aware of moments like Women's History Month. Additionally, the importance of Women's History Month makes me think of our seven-year-old granddaughter, Bella, who spent last Saturday night with us.

I had everything planned out. I bought sidewalk chalk, paint by numbers, ingredients to bake sugar cookies and homemade hamburgers on the grill, and popcorn later that night for watching movies. 

Within the past year, I purchased her a monthly STEM subscription. Sunday morning, I cooked pancakes; I asked Bella about her latest STEM project while we ate. She asked me why I wanted her to do those projects. I paused before replying. Then I realized I never explained why I asked her to do this extracurricular stuff.

I've learned throughout my years that most of us never envision what is possible until we see it for ourselves. I explained how important it is that Bella is aware that girls are equally considered as scientists or engineers as boys. I believe that starts with being comfortable with math or building things from scratch. We never know what we can do until we try it ourselves. As she gets older, Bella will begin to see what she is capable of doing through her knowledge of herself. 

Looking back on that time with Bella, I wished I had gone a step further to pull up a few websites that dig deeper into why this is important and who are all the women who have made a difference in women's lives.