Alli Patterson's Blog

We recently asked people in our church how they felt about “sharing the gospel” and it confirmed what I already knew in my gut: most people don’t know what to say about Jesus and are worried about losing friends if they try! What if the entry point for the gospel is something you are already doing? -- listening and trying to help as your friends ‘go through stuff.’ 

Your friends give you clues all the time what kind of “good news” they need to hear as they talk about the stuff going on in their l...

We’ve all done things that make us want to hide from God…to run the other direction and keep from shining a light on who we are or what we’ve done. If part of your life is in the dark and you are carrying the weight of that every day, I’ve been there. There’s a way out. The book of the Bible called Jonah has a message for you. And it’s really good news: You can’t out-sin or outrun the mercy of God. It’s chasing after you right now. 

If you’ve heard Jonah’s story, you probably remember the whale. As a kid, I pictured Jonah getting tossed overboard, swallowed whole, and then spat out on a sunny beach so he could live happily ever after. But that’s not really the point of Jonah’s story — and it’s not where it ends.

The story of Jonah is really about a God of epic mercy — mercy big enough to chase you down, stop you in your tracks, and even change your heart toward people you never thought could deserve it. Even when that person is you. It’s about a God who will do whatever it takes to bring you back to Him.

If God’s mercy was big enough for Jonah — and for the brutal, godless city of Nineveh — it’s big enough for you too.

Mercy Even When You Resist

Jonah was a prophet, called to go to Nineveh — Israel’s sworn enemy — and tell them to repent. They were violent and profane and Jonah wanted no part of it. God didn’t make sense to him, so Jonah ran in the opposite direction, booking a ship to Tarshish — the edge of the known world.

Maybe that’s you right now. Maybe you’ve been putting as much distance between you and God as you can. Maybe you’ve said “no” to anything spiritual for a long time -- or just decided you’re far enough away that there’s no going back.

I’ve been there. In college, I made a decision or two that pulled me slowly from my faith over four years. I ended up very far away and facing decisions in my adult life I had no wisdom to make. I repeatedly told God “no” to church, and I said yes to career and money. I thought that would be final. But it wasn’t. He came after me anyway — just like He came after Jonah.
This amazing mercy of God pursues you, even when you run. He doesn’t just wave sadly as you walk away. He comes looking for you, determined to bring you back home.

Mercy Doesn’t Look LIke You Think it Will

Jonah’s running ended with a storm so fierce it threatened to break the ship apart. The sailors tossed him into the sea, and God provided a whale to swallow him whole. Three days in a whale’s belly sounds like judgment — but it was mercy.

Sometimes God’s mercy doesn’t feel soft or sweet. Sometimes it’s the storm that wrecks your plans or the darkness that forces you to stop running. Sometimes mercy feels terrible — because it’s meant to stop you in your tracks and turn you back toward God.

In the belly of the fish, Jonah prayed:

“In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me… You brought my life up from the pit, Lord my God.” (Jonah 2:2, 6)

Jonah repented before he was spit out. The darkness was what made him realize God was his only hope. The mercy of 3 days and nights in the belly of the whale was exactly what he needed. And God knew that. 

If you feel stuck, sidelined, or swallowed by life, it might just be the mercy of God — not punishing you, but pausing you. Not because He’s against you, but because He loves you too much to let you keep running toward destruction.

Mercy to Reckon with God

After the whale, Jonah obeyed God and preached to Nineveh. The city repented — and God spared them. You’d think Jonah would be thrilled. But he was angry. He didn’t want God’s mercy to reach people he thought didn’t deserve it. He was mad at God: he didn’t like part of God’s character and decisions.

The mercy of God allows us the time and space to reckon with who He really is — gracious, compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love… towards us -- and toward our enemies. If you have been running sometimes it’s hardest to give it to yourself. God has as much mercy for you as he does for anyone else he loves. 

Reckoning means adjusting to an unchanging reality. For Jonah, that reality was this: God’s mercy is bigger than his own ideas about who deserves it. For you and me, it might mean accepting that His grace can reach into every dark corner of our lives — even the ones we still feel ashamed of — and also into the lives of those who have hurt us.

The Sign of Jonah

Centuries later, Jesus said Jonah’s story pointed to Him:

“As Jonah was a sign to the Ninevites, so also will the Son of Man be to this generation.” (Luke 11:30)

Like Jonah, Jesus stood before a sinful world and said, “Repent.” But unlike Jonah, He didn’t run from the mission — He ran toward the cross. His journey into death, hell and back to life again was foreshadowed in Jonah’s journey into the belly of the whale and back onto the beach, alive. 

Jesus used his life to offer mercy to everyone — the religious elite, the social outcasts, and the worst of sinners. His death and resurrection became the ultimate sign of God’s mercy: new life for anyone who believes. 

You’re not too far gone. His mercy is for you. No matter how far you’ve run. No matter how dark your surroundings. In fact, the relentless mercy of God has been chasing you your whole life.

God’s mercy is epic -- and also deeply personal. It’s for you. And it’s right here, right now. Today is the day to stop running. To turn toward the God who has been pursuing you all along and say to him “Ok Lord, I give up; no more running. Please show me your mercy. Save me from this darkness. And bring me back to life again through Jesus.” Amen

At work you polish your résumé, prep your Zoom background, and edit every email— you’ve seen firsthand that being buttoned-up and bulletproof wins you respect. But what if the real power of great leaders doesn’t come from perfection, but from learning how to be your authentic, vulnerable self. Yes, even at work. 

Let’s begin with a clear definition of those two related - but different - ideas:

Being authentic means accurately representing who you are without faking or filtering to please the room.
Being vulnerable means choosing to share what might open you up to attack when you could easily keep silent or cover up.

Sometimes workplaces truly are toxic, but most of the time it’s actually YOU who stops yourself from going into these deeper relational places at work. It often seems better to play it safe, and keep people from knowing the “real you.” 

The push towards authentic and vulnerable connection is found throughout the Bible. I wrote  my recent book about the five kinds of relationships God created you to have. None of them are formed with squeaky-clean, surface-level professional performance. Taking a step towards authenticity and vulnerability (a little at a time with solid people) can unlock powerful levels of game-changing connection. You’ll find you can be at work with a deeper sense of peace. 

Here are five ways authenticity and vulnerability help you win at work:

1. Authenticity Helps You Find Your Place—and Your People

Trying to “read the room” and adapt your personality at work might help you avoid conflict, but it won’t help you find belonging. When you constantly edit yourself to match the culture or please your manager, you miss out on discovering the colleagues, mentors, or opportunities that fit the real you. The right doors for you open more easily when you’re being authentic. 

When you bring your actual self to work—your communication style, your values, your perspective—you give others the chance to respond authentically, too. Yes, some coworkers may not vibe with your energy. But the ones who do? Those are the teammates who become collaborators, mentors, and long-term allies in your career.

“The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.” Proverbs 11:3

2. Authenticity Builds Respect—Even from Those Who Disagree

You don’t need to be liked by everyone at work to be respected. In fact, trying to play it safe and please everyone can water down your impact. When you speak up with clarity, hold to your convictions, and lead from your values, you stand out—and people take notice.

Even those who don’t share your views will likely respect your honesty and courage. Authenticity says, “I’m not here to perform—I’m here to contribute.” That kind of presence commands attention in meetings, earns credibility in leadership, and invites trust in team dynamics.

“Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out.” Proverbs 10:9

3. Vulnerability Builds Trust and Stronger Collaboration

I have to remind myself often that being at work isn’t just about tasks—it’s about people. I’ve  learned that sometimes my relentless focus on what I’m doing can cause me to overlook people sitting right in front of me. That creates a level of separation that hurts trust. 

Vulnerability is the fast-track to trust-building. Trust creates the conditions for connections to thrive. When I am willing to say things like, “I don’t know yet,” or “I made a mistake,” or “This project really matters to me,” these softer answers humanize the workplace. And people respond to that. 

You don’t need to share your life story with your coworkers. But sharing a little context—like why a certain goal is personally meaningful or admitting when you feel stretched—invites your team into a deeper level of connection. What would it look like to go one level below the polished version of work-you? That kind of honesty helps teams function better, solve problems faster, and feel safer working together.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

4. Vulnerability Breaks the Grip of Impostor Syndrome

So many professionals carry the silent weight of impostor syndrome. That voice in your head that says, “You’re not good enough,” or “You don’t belong here.” Shame and fear feed off secrecy. But vulnerability with a trusted colleague or mentor—starts to break that cycle. Choose someone you trust and try telling them the next time you hear that voice in your head. 

You’re not alone in your insecurities. And saying them out loud doesn't make you weak—it makes you free. It loosens the grip of shame and fear, and it creates space for others to say, “Me too.” That kind of workplace honesty creates cultures where people grow, instead of just grind. 

“Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.” — Proverbs 12:25

5. Authenticity + Vulnerability = Professional Freedom

When you work from a place of authenticity and vulnerability, you experience real freedom. You stop walking on eggshells. You stop trying to manage every impression. You start to speak up without the weight of second-guessing every word. You contribute more boldly. You take healthy risks.

Sure, not everyone will understand you. Some may question your style. You might get passed up for an opportunity that wasn’t going to be a good fit for you anyway. That’s why being authentic and vulnerable at work is risky. But in the long run, it will align what’s on the inside with what you’re doing at work on the outside. And that brings peace, confidence, and enduring connection. 

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” — Proverbs 4:23

So What’s Holding You Back?

Do you want work to stop feeling like a performance? This is the way. 

If your last attempt at vulnerability was used against you…or you over-shared… or you're just afraid of being misunderstood, you might have thick walls of self-protection. Start over with one small step: offer one simple vulnerability to one person and watch for the response. As you wade into these deeper relational waters over time, you will build a reputation of trustworthiness that makes people want to follow your lead. 

You weren’t made to be a curated version of yourself—not even at work. Every step towards freedom is risky. But it’s worth it.

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Let’s talk about the “good Christian girl” box.

You know the one—quiet, sweet, helpful, never misses a quiet time. She avoids anything that might look a little… messy. She spends her weekends doing service projects, not pickleball or drinks with friends. She’s probably the one wearing a long denim skirt in the corner at a party.

Some of us ran from the box that moment we saw it. (And maybe took it a little far). Others of us have spent years trying to fit into it. Either way, here’s the truth:

That box isn’t a life of grace. And that version of “Christian” isn’t what Jesus had in mind.

I first started noticing it when I’d tell people what I do: teach at a church, write Bible studies, write books about Jesus. The moment I said it, the vibe changed. Suddenly I was the Serious Christian. People would shift their eyes, change the subject or just end up apologizing for cussing.

It was like I’d been sorted into a category that came with a list. A lifestyle. A box.

But here’s the thing: I don’t want to live in that box. And I don’t think you do either. 

Many of us hold back parts of our lives from God—not because we don’t love Him, but because we’re afraid of what we think He’ll do with it. We worry He’s going to make us more boring. More boxed-in. 

That’s because we’ve bought into fake grace—a version that says you’re saved by the grace of Jesus but now a life of faith means you keep your act together and follow the rules. A life of fake grace always looks tidy on the outside, but it’s crushing on the inside.

Real Grace Isn’t a List of Rules—It’s a Relationship

Real grace doesn’t erase who you are—it restores who you are.

In 2 Timothy 1:9-10, Paul reminds us:

“He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of His own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus.”

Grace is not just what saves us—it’s the power that transforms us. Not into someone else, but into the person God always intended us to be… into the image of Christ that we are meant to represent. 

Jesus describes it this way in Matthew 11:28-30:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life... Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

This isn’t a checklist. It’s not spiritual hustle. It’s relationship. Walk with Me, He says. Learn from Me. Let Me do the changing.

Real Grace Starts on the Inside and Moves Out

Fake grace is like a power wash—blast off the dirt, helps you figure out how to look shiny for a while. But underneath, the cracks are still there.

Jesus had strong words for this kind of clean looking, surface-level religion. In Matthew 23:25-26, He said:

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence... First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.”

Real grace doesn’t just polish you up—it goes after the heart. The motives. The deep stuff. The things that take a while to figure out. The stuff that gets messy. Because that’s where real holiness grows.

And yes—holiness is still the goal. In 1 Peter 1:15-16, Peter writes:

“Just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: ‘Be holy, because I am holy.’”

When you follow Jesus, he wants to make you holy. But holiness isn’t a costume. It’s a calling that will eventually involve every part of your life. Grace is the power that gets you there, but you move towards change at the time and pace Jesus wants to take you. You are not a fraud if there are parts of your life that God is still working on. 

Real Grace Knows You

You aren’t a generic project. You’re a person God sees, knows, and loves.

Romans 6:14 says,

“For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.”

Grace isn’t just an idea—it’s your new Master. One who doesn’t enslave you with fear but walks with you in freedom.

You’re not called to be a non-smoker.
You’re not called to wear the right clothes or attend all the right events.
You’re not called to be the perfect mom or have a flawless quiet time routine.

You are called to be holy. And Grace is the Way. 

So let’s tear up the list. Let’s stop trying to scrub up the outside and get back to the heart of what Jesus offers: Come to Me. Walk with Me.

He knows where you’ve been and where you’re going. He knows how to make anything whole and beautiful and holy. Yes - even you. Even that. 

You don’t need to be boxed in by someone else’s version of Christianity. You need Jesus - the Way, Truth and Life of real grace.

“It’s like Lilith Fair minus the angst …plus frittatas.” Those are the immortal words of Leslie Knope of “Parks and Rec” fame as she explains Galentine's Day -- which is basically just Valentine’s Day for your circle of women. This new ‘holiday’ is on February 13th, when Knope and her girlfriends meet up without any boyfriends or husbands for a female-only get-together. (You can see a quick clip of her describing it here.) I know it was just a funny idea from a sitcom, but I kinda like it! How often do we take the time to honor and celebrate our friendships? I’m here for that.

Who would be around your Galentine’s table? The faces I picture are the women who walk with me or meet me at the gym; the ones whose texts make me randomly laugh out loud. They’re the ones who set me straight and pray for me. They’re the friends I send pictures from the dressing room knowing they’ll tell me the truth. They’re the ones talking to me in the bleachers and the ones that make me glad I came to work. Whoever comes to mind as you read this is in your circle -- and they’re the perfect ones to celebrate on Feb 13!

I know the Galentine's Day spirit is especially welcome for my single friends who consider it a breath of fresh air in mid-February that does not focus on finding “the one.” Why not celebrate the beautiful friends right in front of you? 

But even if you’ve got an amazing circle of friends, they aren’t all you need. And neither is your boyfriend or husband. Valentine’s Day idolizes romantic relationships and suggests that a perfect mate will fulfill us, and Galentine’s Day is a fun tribute to our closest friends… but you were actually designed for even more --  five different kinds of relationships!  

Finding “The One” is Not Your Purpose

We live in a culture that idolizes just ONE relationship: “the one.” Especially in February, we are surrounded by pictures of romance, sexuality, and dating/marriage relationships. If you follow the lead of our culture, you might think that your life’s purpose was wrapped entirely around finding this one special person… but I believe you were made for a much deeper, larger purpose. I love being married, but I think of the purpose of my life in a very different way! But there is no doubt the relationships around me are part of fulfilling God’s plans and purpose.

American culture in 2025 doesn’t tell this story. In my opinion, our culture isn’t a great place to seek advice about how life is supposed to work. That’s why I try to renew my mind with a different picture of life and relationships in the Bible. As a matter of fact, Romans 12:2 tells me to do exactly that!

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

I trust God for how I live because I believe He is the author of life itself - including my relationships. I believe he has a design for them, and it’s in the life of His Son Jesus. This blueprint can help us pursue and love people well in all types of relationships.  It shows us the way to relationships that leave us truly satisfied - not in a constant search for “the one.” 

As I explain in the intro to my new book, Blueprint for Belonging, God created multiple kinds of connections, each of which plays a key role in giving you a profound and well-rounded sense of belonging. Most of us have a few that are working well in our lives now (yay), and most of us are also living without at least one of these altogether. 

Relationships that Truly Satisfy

Blueprint for Belonging explores the five types of relationships you really need. The subtitle of the book is “The Five Relationships Jesus Needed and Why You Need Them Too.” So right away, you can guess that I think even the best romantic connection or marriage on its own cannot fulfill the need you have for human connection. In the book, I break down five key relationships that we all crave as part of the experience of true belonging. These are:

Core 

Circle

Comrades 

Community

Crowds

Marriage is certainly beautiful and mirrors the relationship between Jesus and his Church, but it’s not the only way to experience a core connection. As a matter of fact -  Jesus never even got married! In the book I put it like this: “The commitment to love one another despite flaws and through pain and hardship is why your spouse is in your core if you are married. But core friendships can also see you and love you like that too.” 

The best example in the Bible of this kind of friendship is David and Jonathan. 1 Samuel 18:1 describes their brotherly relationship by saying: “The soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.”

When you look up that verse in BibleGateway, the first footnote adds that the life of Jonathan was “bound up” with the life of David. The two are inseparably connected through a form of love — a core love that we are designed to experience, whether it’s through marriage or platonic friendship.

However, whether you have excellent core friendships or a great marriage, it still won’t be enough. You need to discover the breadth and depth of all five. 

So Valentines and Galentines can be ways we invest in our core or circle relationships. But what about community? What about comrades? What might benefit our life in the crowds that so many of us avoid? I hope to convince you that you really do need all of them to experience loving and being loved. 

It’s time for a relational redesign. If you’re celebrating Galentines Day this year, good for you. I’m going out for tapas with my two favorite women. If you want to push back on the commercialized, overly-romanticized holidays like Valentine’s Day, go for it. But I hope you embrace a full design for your relational world from the God who knows how to truly satisfy your soul. 

Blueprint for Belonging is officially available. Pick up a copy from your favorite retailer. If you want to hear more from me, sign up for my email newsletter , too.

If you told me five years ago that I was going to write a book on relationships, I would have laughed. I’m no relationship expert, and the ones in my life are a lot like yours: some are strong, some are messy, and others depend on the day you ask me! I usually leave the advice to counselors, but a couple of years ago, I started to see something in the Bible that just might help us all. It’s because I’m a fellow traveler that I think you’re going to like my new book.

I have come to believe that the life of Jesus holds the knowledge of how we can build the kinds of relationships that will truly satisfy our souls. His life reveals a design to his relational world (I call it a ‘blueprint’). Blueprints are a guide to a whole process of renovation and construction, so having one doesn’t mean everything changes overnight. But it does mean you know what you’re aiming for. And I believe our culture has taken its eye off the ball. Our attempts to build relationships don’t seem to be satisfying our deepest needs for connection. 

Even after writing the book, there are times I still feel lonely and other seasons when I feel very fulfilled. What’s changed is that I have a new language and a new understanding of the end goal -- the relationships I need to value and love and grow from the closest ones to the furthest out. Knowing your final destination is the whole point of a blueprint! Even if the process of rebuilding takes some time. 

Jesus had five kinds of relationships in his life, and those are now the ones I look to value and build in my life. Below is a quick glimpse into how I spent the last season of my life observing, praying into, and learning about each of these five areas of relationship. I tried to see my own life through this blueprint, and as I realized its potency (and how it helped others), I had to share it. The book that resulted is Blueprint for Belonging.

What Is a Relationship Blueprint?

If you think about a blueprint in the construction sense, it’s a whole set of documents and plans that a contractor follows to create a house or other building. A blueprint can’t just focus on one area, like siding or windows. It needs to be comprehensive and have an order to it.

The blueprint concept applies to many other areas of life, too. I remember seeing a “blueprint” for “how to apologize” in my kid’s elementary school gym. It outlined a step-by-step process for how to slow down, acknowledge wrong, and ask for forgiveness. (I think most of us adults could really benefit from this little sign!). We use types of blueprints in areas like health and fitness all the time. (Does anyone else remember the “food pyramid” I grew up learning?) 

God has also given us a blueprint for how to build relationships. I believe that the life of Jesus was holy and different on many levels - one of those is the fact that he lived out God’s design for relationships! So, reading about how he did relationships is crucial for us even though our culture is very different. I deeply believe that scripture was left for us to find our way toward a God who wants life for us. His blueprint provides a “divine design” of sorts.  

We don’t need to mirror this perfectly. (You won’t find any guilt trips or rigidity in the book!) On the contrary! It’s filled with grace. I’ve come to see that God’s blueprint for relationships is more of a renovation rather than a new construction. There’s an existing structure we have to acknowledge, deal with, and honor in many ways. Only God knows precisely how to lead you through any redesign or reno. And if there is one true thing about relationships, it’s that they are always changing - so we have to keep adapting as we live. (I actually put extra copies of the blueprint in the Appendix of the book for that reason!)

Just like when you invest in your health and fitness one day and one effort at a time, any step you take toward this relational blueprint is a good thing. That is what inspired me to write this book - you are invited into a more deeply thriving life! 

God’s Blueprint for Relationships

There are moments in scripture when God comes right out and says things. Don’t murder. Love one another. Let my people go. Often, though, the lessons are more nuanced than that. When it comes to relationships, it took me a while to figure out the relational structure God lays out in the life of Christ.

A few years ago, I was reading from Mathew/Mark/Luke/John every day (a small section from each book daily), and that’s when I began to see patterns emerge in the life of Jesus. Probably because I often read the same story more than once and caught questions and details I may have otherwise missed. His patterns are both profound and specific.

For example, he had a trio of siblings, Mary, Martha, and Lazarus — two of whom were women, an unusual form of close connection at the time. He loved these three deeply but never traveled with them or invited them into his twelve. In Luke 6:12-14 we can watch what Jesus did as he selected these 12 disciples. In Luke 10:1-4, he sends out 72 workers to spread the gospel, heal, and teach. I started wondering if these numbers and the things he did (or didn’t do) with these specific people mattered to my life and relationships.  

There are some more curious connections, too. For instance, Jesus challenges who his family is in Mark 3: 31-34 when his relatives come to find him, and he says, “Who is My mother, or My brothers?” indicating that those sitting around him were the authentic answers to that question.

As I read through the Gospels, certain themes kept coming up in Jesus’ relationships. I started bucketing them and eventually gave names to the different categories. I processed them with a group of 30 women (all ages and life stages) and we explored the relevance to all our lives today. The result was the book.

The Focus of Blueprint for Belonging

In the end, my research led me to outline five different kinds of relationships that are collectively essential for truly meeting your need for all kinds of connection and belonging: 

Core: Your closest, most intimate connections.

Circle: The trusted people with whom you live the regular rhythms of life. 

Comrades: The people with whom you share a purpose/mission/vision for life. 

Community: Your larger network of family, friends, and acquaintances, past and present.

Crowd: People you encounter, online or offline, that you do not yet know. 

While these categories are helpful and interesting, through the group’s discussions, the most heartfelt exchanges we had were when one of these kinds of relationships was broken, bad, or missing. That’s when the blueprint helps the most.

The deepest part of the book is not design language or helpful tips: It’s the understanding that you were made for all these connections, and your heart and soul can’t be whole without them. When you understand how God designed you for connection, you can take new steps to live in wholeness and healing. 

My Prayer for Your Relationships

You’re probably already aware of some relational elements that are missing in your life (even if you’d call it something different than I do in the book). We usually become aware that there is a design when something goes wrong. It usually takes something being off for us to notice and invest in understanding God’s creative framework for our lives. 

My prayer for this book is that the blueprint helps you see and build your relational world in a way that will bring you more life — not just intimate connections, but I hope you even find meaning in complete strangers! I hope it opens your eyes to the opportunities God is bringing you for deeper connections. I believe he not only built you for this but wants it for you… not ‘someday’ but now. 

The most fun part of the book is that all throughout, there are pages for you to write down names and work through a redesign of your own relationships. In the last chapter, you’re going to re-create a blueprint for belonging in your own life.  (Don’t worry. It’s not that long!) Blueprint for Belonging is a book written to open eyes and spark change. I pray it will do both in your life. 

Blueprint for Belonging is officially available. Pick up a copy from your favorite retailer. 

If you want to hear more from me, sign up for my email newsletter , too.

In my last article, I talked about why I used to hate the week after Christmas. I enjoy the gratitude of Thanksgiving and the joy and hope of the Christmas season. But the week after? Not so much. It’s because I feel a little lonely.

I’ve felt this way for years. I tried to avoid it. Then I was annoyed by it. I finally accepted that loneliness isn’t something you can talk yourself out of or hide from -- but there IS something you can do about it!

You don’t have to settle for being lonely.

I’ve learned a few things as I’ve tried to build the relationships I really need in my life over the past few years. I am very much still a work in progress because relationships are always changing -- but I know that loneliness isn’t what God wants for me. He’s ready to help me (and you) find the connections that lead me towards more life -- and away from loneliness.

As a quick note, before we get started, I’ve fleshed many of these ideas out in much greater detail in my new book, Blueprint for Belonging. If what you see here resonates and you want to start 2025 with hope for stronger relationships that truly satisfy your soul, I’d be honored if you let me walk you through a redesign for your relationships that mirrors the life of Jesus.

See the Holes

It all starts with acknowledgment. You can’t address loneliness if you can’t (or won’t!) see it. It took me years to realize that my post-Christmas struggles came from a hole in my relational world -- a hole that God wanted me to see so that I could ask him to help me fill it up. But if I refused to acknowledge it, then I couldn’t do anything about it.

In Blueprint for Belonging, I explore the way Jesus created five specific types of relationships. I use those observations to build the “blueprint” I saw taking place in his life. Once you have a blueprint you can begin to see the goal, the design, the ideal (which Jesus exemplified!). You can overlay his blueprint onto your own relationships and see where you have gaps and holes. The times or places or situations where you feel lonely are a big clue to where some of these holes are going to be!

Don’t avoid that process. Embrace it. As I say in the book’s introduction, “Loneliness is the built-in alarm that something isn’t relationally right in our lives.” It’s actually a help so we can move forward.

Think of it like physical pain - it is there to communicate that there’s a problem! Pain is often the only way we seek the healing we need. Pain is just a sign that something else is wrong. If you experience a moment, a wave, a day, or a whole season of loneliness, this is the place to begin asking some questions. Let yourself see and feel it - so healing can start.

Give it Time + Prayer

Relationships are never a quick fix. We are often living the fruit of many years of choices we made and connections we’ve had -- maybe even a few we’d do differently if we could. Seeing an ideal design on a blueprint doesn’t mean you can build it in a few months. But a blueprint helps you see what you’re moving towards.

I always go to God to figure out where to start. He’s the only one who can see ahead and the only one who knows what kind of relationships will truly satisfy your soul. He can also nudge you to take the first good step in that direction. So, prayer is essential! Relational holes require thoughtful choices and healing over time, so you’ve gotta pray!

If you’re struggling to hear God about a relationship or direction in your life, consider fasting as part of pursuing an answer. Jesus recommends this combo in Matthew 17 as a way to combat particularly difficult situations.

I just saw one of my old journals from 3-4 years ago, and I’m still praying the same prayer for one type of relationship in my life! It takes time. I wish I could snap my fingers and have the benefit now, but I do trust God is hearing my prayers and is at work even when I don’t see it. God is never doing nothing.

And you’re never alone. Talk to God in full honesty - with all your thoughts, desires, and emotions. I wrote about how to honestly pray through your emotions in the past. Acknowledge how you feel, and then go to the scripture to find the truth. Part of the truth in scripture is that you were designed with a need for deep connection and belonging by a God who wants to help you get it.

As you pray, ask God to help you see just one step ahead in the right direction. Where are you feeling lonely? With close familial relationships? With friendships? With community? These point you in the direction of how to pray with purpose.

Be Ready for a Risk

After praying about friendship a lot this year, my family (me, my husband, and my kids) decided to throw a family party the day after Christmas - right at the time we experience a bit of loneliness. I don’t throw a lot of parties, but I trust God enough to try! When this idea came to us, it felt like something that might move us closer to the blueprint of Jesus’ relationships. That’s always worth the risk to do something that makes you uncomfortable!

It can be tough to break out of your comfort zone with people. Maybe you aren’t usually “the initiator,” but you sense God wants you to invite someone out to dinner or a coffee. Maybe you don’t do “groups,” but you can’t shake the idea of joining a book group. Maybe you work out alone, but you could change your schedule and meet up with someone else. All these little things require relational risk.

Get ready to take a risk if you want deeper relationships. The design of your blueprint will not change without it! (And faith won’t grow without it either! I wrote about that in my first book, How to Stay Standing!).

It can help to look at each area of your relational life separately and ask God if/how you could make a small change that might have a big impact. In Blueprint for Belonging, I talk about exploring the five different types of relationships in reflection and prayer. You’ve got to start with true honesty about where you are today and begin to trust that God has more for you.

He can guide you into a conscious relational redesign for your life.

Build a New Blueprint for Belonging

This kind of spiritual, contemplative approach to relationships has transformed how I view loneliness. Rather than suffering through it or trying to avoid it, use it as a springboard to bring more life to your soul.

If you want to learn more, get the book. Those five middle chapters are a gold mine for a positive, constructive relational audit. They can help you compare and contrast how you manage your own human connections with how Jesus did so.

The takeaways can lead to one of the greatest relational renovations in your life.

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When we ask for something, even something God has called us to ask for, the way we ask matters.

Praying, for instance, should never be a selfish or perfunctory action. Should it be consistent? Yes. Should it be habitual? Of course. But we should also present our prayers with a certain sense of priority.

As we pray and make other heavenly requests throughout our lives, we must remember our priorities: God first, others second, and ourselves third.

God. Others. Me.

Jesus paints a very clear picture of what our priorities should be in Matthew 22. When an expert in the law tries to test him by asking what the greatest commandment is. Rather than pick from the ones they are all aware of, Jesus condenses everything down into a one-two punch that is hard to forget:

“Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

This is a powerful demonstration of priorities. In everything we do, we must put God first and others second. Note that Jesus doesn’t even say how we should go about taking care of ourselves. He doesn’t need to provide that kind of context because we’re naturally good at that! Where we all typically come up short is the struggle to put others before ourselves and, even harder, God before others.

Nehemiah’s Heavenly Request

Nehemiah was a leader in the Old Testament who lived over 400 years before Jesus uttered his famous two-part commandment. And yet, when I was pulling together a study on his story a while ago, I noticed that even he had his heavenly priorities in order.

In Nehemiah 2, Nehemiah asks King Artaxerxes for permission to help the Jewish people rebuild Jerusalem. Filled with clarity of God’s calling and a God-given boldness, Nehemiah goes even further once his king has given him permission to leave. In chapter 2, verse 8, he asks for the resources and additional safeguards to help him carry out this massive task, saying:

“And may I have a letter to Asaph, keeper of the royal park, so he will give me timber to make beams for the gates of the citadel by the temple and for the city wall and for the residence I will occupy?” And because the gracious hand of my God was on me, the king granted my requests.”

This is already a bold ask on its own, but pay attention to Nehemiah’s priorities as he asks for his resources. First, he asks for timber for the gates of the citadel by the temple. Next, he requests wood for the city walls. Last, he asks for some lumber for his own home.

Nehemiah’s priorities are reflected in how he asks for materials: God first, then others, and himself last.

He is living out those two almighty commandments hundreds of years before Jesus says them — and his whole mission fits this pattern, too. Nehemiah isn’t going to be comfortable as he leaves his life as a king’s cupbearer, passes through dangers, and engages in hard work to rebuild the walls and key structures around a massive, devastated cityscape. Rebuilding Jerusalem is a project that, first and foremost, will honor God and, second, will help the endangered and oppressed Jewish people.

Nehemiah’s comfort is in there. The guy wants a comfortable home to live in after a long day’s work. That just comes last after everything else has been tended to.

Maintaining Heavenly Priorities

The way Nehemiah asks for resources, even when he’s in a mindset of service, seems to me like the perfect blueprint for how we should engage in this kind of behavior on a daily basis. My challenge for you (and me) today is to establish a new set of decision criteria.

Here it is. Whenever you make a decision, ask yourself, in order:

Does this honor God?

Does this help others?

Simple, right? Yet, this quick and easy decision-making filter can have a life-changing effect on how we see the world. It can influence every action we take and help us begin to live into God’s calling for our lives on a daily basis.

I talked earlier this year about feeling called to help take care of people and lay foundations for God’s kingdom. Maintaining heavenly priorities is a key part of the process of living that commission out.

So let me ask you something.

What does it look like to seek time and resources in your life that honor God above anything else? What does it look like to use what’s left of those resources to prioritize others before yourself?

If you’re like me, this transformational practice will open your eyes as you use heavenly priorities to demonstrate love, care, and interest to God first, then others, and yourself last.

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When God invites you into his work, his calling won’t be cold and calculated – and it won’t just be a wild emotional ride. God created you, mind and heart, to work alongside him. So when he calls you to join him - expect his vision to touch both!

I’ve been honed in on God’s calling this year. I recently wrote about how God gave me a reminder of mine. In moments of new vision, I often undervalue my emotional response, thinking my emotions are untrustworthy or need to be stripped of their passion. I jump to strategy pretty quickly, setting aside my anger or tears or the fire that made me want to engage. Maybe you do the opposite and go to people full of emotion without thinking things through, assuming your job is to provide the heat and someone else will come up with the actual plan or solution.

As I read the book of Nehemiah, I was reminded of how God wants to engage all of who we are in our work. Nehemiah was called to restore Israel and rebuild Jerusalem. His calling wasn’t just a mental checklist and a strategic plan. Nor was it purely a heart thing. It was both.

Nehemiah’s Heart and Mind

When God called Nehemiah to return to Israel and rebuild Jerusalem, he was a cupbearer who was close to the Persian King Artaxerxes. He had the chance to ask for his support. The king was halfway into a forty-year reign over an ancient kingdom that stretched, at its height, from the edge of modern-day Ukraine south to Libya and east to Afghanistan and beyond. (You can see a map of the Persian or Achaemenid Empire here.)

This was a big area with many different people, nations, and cultures — all ruled by one king. There was no obvious reason the Israelites should get special preference over everyone else. Yet, God used the impassioned, emotional, and strategic pleas of Nehemiah to set his plan for his people in motion.

When you read Nehemiah 2, you can see the unbridled emotions and also a plan! Verses 1-2 explain the former:

In the month of Nisan in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, when wine was brought for him, I took the wine and gave it to the king. I had not been sad in his presence before, so the king asked me, ‘Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill? This can be nothing but sadness of heart.’”

When Nehemiah explained his sadness was because the city of his ancestors was in ruins, the king asked what he wanted — and Nehemiah was ready with a response. He had actually thought about it: he did not just wallow in his emotions. But because of that emotion, Nehemiah went to God in prayer. It says in verse 4, “Then I prayed to the God of heaven,” God moved him with feelings and helped him in prayer to know what to ask the king.

Nehemiah’s genuine heart and engaged mind were both part of the process of bringing Israel back to the promised land. It’s a blueprint for us, too! God wants to see your heart and mind involved when we respond to him and set about the work to which we are called. If one is missing, we need to pause and wonder why.

Jesus’ Heart & Mind

Jesus gives us one of the best examples of this powerful heart-mind combination.

Jesus showed empathy and passion everywhere he turned. Scripture often speaks of his compassion as the compelling force behind his work. In Matthew 8, he stopped on his way to raise a girl from the dead to heal a sick woman who tried to touch his cloak in a desperate chance to find healing. When he saw merchants turning the Temple into a marketplace, he flipped tables. When he saw the crowd around Lazarus’ tomb, he wept.

You don’t have to look far to see Jesus’ mind at work in his brilliant teachings, crafty answers to challenges, and parables that confounded many. Even as a child, he amazed his parents and the Jewish teachers of the law with his questions and answers and his passion for learning in the temple courts. (Luke 2:46-47)

The best example of Jesus’ heart and mind coming together might be just mere hours before his death. In Gethsemane, Jesus told his disciples (Matthew 26), “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Jesus was overcome with emotion. And from that place, he passionately prayed “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” Even in his despair, Jesus prayed words from the Sermon on the Mount with an eye on his Dad’s bigger strategic plan. “Father,” “your will be done.”

Are You Making Room for Your Heart and Mind?

When God moves you, calls you, or invites you to join his mission on earth, it will include ALL of who you are. The Spirit will connect with you through your heart and your mind, just like when he called Nehemiah in Chapter 1.

Your emotions are not “too much.” And yes, you really do eventually need an actual plan with some bullet points and due dates. Don’t be afraid of either. And don’t leave one out!

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Earlier this year, God gave me a fresh sense of clarity on my calling and mission. He told me to “take care of people” and “lay foundations” — both of which remind me of a specific figure in the Bible: Nehemiah.

Nehemiah was called to care for people in Israel who were hurting during their exile in a foreign nation. He was also commissioned by God to lead the charge and rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. Nehemiah literally laid a fresh foundation for that important city in God’s story.

When I read how Nehemiah’s story unfolds, it’s clear to me that it isn’t by chance or even a “right place at the right time” scenario. It wasn’t because he was a hard worker whom God saw as a convenient way to get things done. This was personal. Just like God knows what he is doing in your life and mine, God had good plans for Nehemiah. Nehemiah cooperated with God by keeping himself in position on the field even at a time when it looked like it was game over.

Nehemiah’s Position

Nehemiah was put in a high, royal position next to the king; he was the cup-bearer and had the king’s ear. I’ve often heard people say, “If God would just give me that job, I could make a difference.” But it wasn’t Nehemiah's job that opened the door to being part of God’s plan. It was the fact that Nehemiah knew the Word of God. As he aligned his life with it, God moved him into position to be used in a specific way. Low or high, rich or poor, Nehemiah’s heart for God’s people and his belief in the scriptures never changed. You can hear both of those things in Nehemiah’s prayer after he hears that Jerusalem is in ruins (Nehemiah 1:4-11):

“Lord, the God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and keep his commandments, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night for your servants, the people of Israel. I confess the sins we Israelites, including myself and my father’s family, have committed against you. We have acted very wickedly toward you. We have not obeyed the commands, decrees and laws you gave your servant Moses.

“Remember the instruction you gave your servant Moses, saying, ‘If you are unfaithful, I will scatter you among the nations, but if you return to me and obey my commands, then even if your exiled people are at the farthest horizon, I will gather them from there and bring them to the place I have chosen as a dwelling for my Name.’

“They are your servants and your people, whom you redeemed by your great strength and your mighty hand. Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of this your servant and to the prayer of your servants who delight in revering your name. Give your servant success today by granting him favor in the presence of this man.”

Do you hear Nehemiah’s knowledge of God’s word? “We have not obeyed the commands” and “Remember the instruction you gave your servant Moses.” He wasn’t just praying an emotional prayer out of sadness and desperation. He was praying from an understanding of the scriptures, reminding God of his own words — words Nehemiah was very well aware of. Because he knew God’s Word, he was able to see it reflected in the circumstances around him.

Nehemiah’s Eyes

When you keep yourself connected to God through his Word, you can see how God sees. His movements become more clear because you begin to take his view on things in your life. You will become more sensitive to how God might work and move. God knew he could trust Nehemiah because he had never taken his eyes off of God, even in a faithless and dark place. Sometimes, when it’s dark, we forget that it’s God’s words that help us see clearly.

When God gave him the resources and favor to jump in, Nehemiah recognized God at work and said yes.

Don’t miss specifically why God was able to use Nehemiah for this assignment: He was able to see what God was doing because he was already tuned in!

Nehemiah knew the Jewish scriptures — specifically the Torah, the first five books of the Bible. In Deuteronomy 28 through 30, God follows up the Law he’s just laid out with a summary of the consequences if Israel is split, conquered, and exiled. God outlines blessings for obedience, but he also details the consequences of disobedience.

Deuteronomy 28: 64-65 specifically says:

“Then the Lord will scatter you among all nations, from one end of the earth to the other. There you will worship other gods—gods of wood and stone, which neither you nor your ancestors have known. Among those nations you will find no repose, no resting place for the sole of your foot. There the Lord will give you an anxious mind, eyes weary with longing, and a despairing heart.”

Nehemiah saw his own experience through God’s words: anxious, weary, in despair, and longing. The key factor here is that he also knew this wasn’t the end of the story. Knowing God’s Word got him ready to participate in the future God had already promised!

Nehemiah’s Hope

Not long after his discouraging summary of disobedience in Deuteronomy 28, God provides the blueprint for Israel’s restoration. Chapter 30, verses 4 to 5, says:

“Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the Lord your God will gather you and bring you back. He will bring you to the land that belonged to your ancestors, and you will take possession of it.”

Nehemiah saw that promise of hope and clung to it, even at the darkest moments of Israel’s exile. It’s easy to look around us and think God isn’t going to do what he said, but Nehemiah believed God’s words more than his own circumstances. Even when he saw the desperation of God’s people, he had real hope straight from the words of God himself.

It was his deep understanding of God’s word that kept Nehemiah from getting lost in the despair and darkness. It was only that kind of hope that would have set him up to hear God’s calling and to an impossible plan and answer with a willingness to obey.

Be in Position

Nehemiah’s story reminded me that I have an opportunity to play a part in God’s plan here on earth, too. Every day, I can put myself in a position to be used by God. The time I spend reading the Bible and praying matters. The time I spend learning or fasting or worshiping in my car on the way to work is not wasted. It’s all the necessary groundwork to be in position. It’s making my heart and mind ready for God’s timing.

Life will keep unfolding around you, and God will always be at work to accomplish his plans. The question is: Will you be in a position to be part of it?

I recently asked the question, when God calls, will you answer? Nehemiah was in a position to answer because he knew the Word and had hope that God wasn’t done yet. Too many of us sit in despair over elections or a crushed dream or a sin of our past or a culture that’s growing darker and darker. The Word promises us that God is not done. His plan is still unfolding. There’s hope beyond our circumstances.

Jesus made a promise about what he is going to be at work doing on the earth in Revelation 21:5: “I am making everything new!” Nehemiah is our reminder to get in position, knowing that hope is sure and God has plans for you to be part of bringing that future from heaven to earth.

He could ask you to jump in any time – so get in position.

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