Sarah Stewart's Blog
October 16, 2022
Preface
This isn’t the story I wanted to write when I dreamed of being an author as a little girl. But, it is the story I needed to write. It is the story I had to share.
As I sat there, displaced from my home, rocking my three-month old baby in a rocking chair in my mother’s bedroom and shushing him softly as he babbled, I struggled to clearly identify the memories that haunted my mind. Images returned to me in cloudy, disconnected pieces. They came in disordered waves. I squinted to make them clearer. But, it didn’t work. I couldn’t seem to decipher all the disjointed clips.
I had returned just hours before from the first custody hearing for my two children. My head still spun and twisted with the deceit my husband told the court. How could he possibly believe that? I asked myself. Did he believe what he’d said? How could anyone, but especially a police officer, lie like that to the Judge? How could he get away with it so easily?
I stared at my son’s beautiful face. He had dark, tousled hair and a serene look on his face as he slept. The more I looked at and rocked him, the stronger my resolve became. I knew I had to document everything I could remember to clear up the clouds of my memory, and document everything that happened from that point forward to fight the lies head on in the future.
That day, I began working on this book. It started as a timeline and journal for me to collect my thoughts and to work through my healing process after ten years in an abusive relationship. This book also helped me formulate the timeline of events that took place over the course of my separation and finally, freedom from the shackles of my marriage. Over the years, the process and motivation behind this book changed.
As I learned more about who abusers are, what they do, and how to spot them, I wanted this book to be a cautionary tale and guidebook to help you avoid or leave your abusive relationships. I want you to know you are not alone and you can survive the traumas you’ve endured. I hope my story of how I fought and survived can inspire you.
This book is here to show you in real time, backed by studies and research, how an abusive relationship starts, progresses, and ultimately, escalates. I want to protect you and others you may know from having to go through the same experiences I suffered. I want you to know how to overcome trauma and abuse, if you’ve had to endure it yourself. I want you to know the beauty of freedom. I want to help you find your voice and your joy.
As I sat there, displaced from my home, rocking my three-month old baby in a rocking chair in my mother’s bedroom and shushing him softly as he babbled, I struggled to clearly identify the memories that haunted my mind. Images returned to me in cloudy, disconnected pieces. They came in disordered waves. I squinted to make them clearer. But, it didn’t work. I couldn’t seem to decipher all the disjointed clips.
I had returned just hours before from the first custody hearing for my two children. My head still spun and twisted with the deceit my husband told the court. How could he possibly believe that? I asked myself. Did he believe what he’d said? How could anyone, but especially a police officer, lie like that to the Judge? How could he get away with it so easily?
I stared at my son’s beautiful face. He had dark, tousled hair and a serene look on his face as he slept. The more I looked at and rocked him, the stronger my resolve became. I knew I had to document everything I could remember to clear up the clouds of my memory, and document everything that happened from that point forward to fight the lies head on in the future.
That day, I began working on this book. It started as a timeline and journal for me to collect my thoughts and to work through my healing process after ten years in an abusive relationship. This book also helped me formulate the timeline of events that took place over the course of my separation and finally, freedom from the shackles of my marriage. Over the years, the process and motivation behind this book changed.
As I learned more about who abusers are, what they do, and how to spot them, I wanted this book to be a cautionary tale and guidebook to help you avoid or leave your abusive relationships. I want you to know you are not alone and you can survive the traumas you’ve endured. I hope my story of how I fought and survived can inspire you.
This book is here to show you in real time, backed by studies and research, how an abusive relationship starts, progresses, and ultimately, escalates. I want to protect you and others you may know from having to go through the same experiences I suffered. I want you to know how to overcome trauma and abuse, if you’ve had to endure it yourself. I want you to know the beauty of freedom. I want to help you find your voice and your joy.
