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We got a pocket party goin’ on.

MONDAY:

Today is the first day of Fashion Week, and what style-conscious dad wouldn’t want to kick things off by rocking a roomy pair of cargo pants? Speaking as a guy who owns 28 pairs, (that’s a grand total of 168 pockets), I can’t say enough about how much simpler life became once I started wearing a filing system on my legs. And talk about versatility! When the kids were babies, I’d keep the backup diapers in my right thigh pocket, the ready-made Similac bottles in my left, the wipes in my left hip pocket, and a baggie full of nipples in my right (rubber, not real–they were for the formula, weirdo). But remember, fashionista fathers: Once the kids get older, your pocket needs will change. That is why today, you’ll find this dashing dad strutting his stuff with an entire bag of goldfish crackers comfortably concealed on my right thigh. On my left, I will be boasting a Trader Joe’s juice box or two, which I will pair with an I-Phone stocked with Cookie Doodle and Angry Birds apps in my left waist pocket, accessorized by a pocket-sized bribe of some kind in my right. I used to keep Fruit Roll-ups in that one to get them to do whatever I said, but they wised up over the years and realized how much that stuff sucks. Now I never leave home without a cargo pants pocketful of “fun size” candy left over from Halloween. I hand it out like dog treats to move the kids from the playground into the minivan, and from the living room into the bath. You know something? To celebrate fashion week, I think I just might toss a stale KitKat straight into the water tonight and let them jump right in and fetch it! And once they’re bathed and sound asleep in bed, I think I just might change out of these cargo pants and seduce my wife by slipping into something more comfortable. Something such as…

Check this page tomorrow for Tuesday’s edition of: FASHION WEEK FOR SUBURBAN DADS

Tonight's Must-Have Item

THURSDAY…

Tonight, the crème de la crème of A-List suburban dads will be at the most sought-after show of Fashion Week, the Rangers vs. Blackhawks game at glitzy Madison Square Garden. What will the real “Players” among us be wearing? Shimmering poly-blend hockey jerseys in patriotic color schemes, bold block-style numerals, and surnames of our favorite players. Yours truly will be resplendent in the signature style my eight-year-old son wears to school on an average of five days per week: 30 on the front, Lundqvist on the back. Why no “u” after the “q?” Because real style icons make their own rules, including the rules of grammar, whether they’re on the runway or on the rink.

And with that in mind, this maverick suburban dad isn’t waiting for game time at J.J. McFuckington’s Sports Bar and Wings to show off the flowing, fluid lines of my XXL hockey jersey from Overstock.com. I’ve had it on since I flossed after breakfast, and I will strut it like a peacock to each of the sizzling Fashion Week hotspots I’ll attend through the wee hours of the night, including Home Depot to buy a new WetVac.

Word to the fashion-wise: please resist the temptation to achieve a “layered look” by pairing this piece over a long sleeve Spandex Under-Armour T-shirt that is three sizes too small. I tried it this morning, and it detracted from the rugged pleasure of this piece: the stimulating sensation of my bare belly hairs poking through each of the jersey’s micro-mesh holes. And just between us suburban dads, let me tell you that the wife seemed rather “stimulated” herself when she noted my existence for at least one or one-half second today while preparing a baggie of Pirate’s Booty for our daughter’s lunchbox.

“Why do grown men wear sports jerseys in public like they’re dressing up for Halloween as professional athletes?” she asked.

“The same reason grown women wear cheerleader uniforms and carry pom-poms to work,” I replied.

Score!

Gotta run, big daddies. Or should I say, “Gotta glide!” Be sure to check this page tomorrow for the final edition of:

FASHION WEEK FOR SUBURBAN DADS

It’s been several years since I stuffed my family into a minivan and boldly left Brooklyn for the ‘burbs. Such journeys are never easy, but today, I am a proud citizen of the United States of Suburbia. I know what you are thinking. “Dan, you are a pioneer; an explorer; a brave and inspiring Suburbanaut. Please, share your wisdom with us so that we may forward it to all of our city-slicking friends who swore they’d never leave, but now find themselves suddenly suburban.”

And to you I say this: You have come to the right guy.

                                          DAN ZEVIN’S TIPS FOR NEW SUBURBANITES

1. When you first move to the suburbs, it may be difficult to meet lots of people, so focus on making even one friend who has a pool.

2. Building contractors who say they can start the job on Wednesday are talking about a different Wednesday than you are.

3. The four phases of suburban lawn care are: old-school push mower, gas-guzzling power mower, high school student, gardener.

4. For the price of one meatball at that trendy “charcuterie” in the city, you can buy the whole cow at Costco

5. Love thy neighbor, but know it is easier to love thy neighbor when thy neighbor resurfaces his driveway and thusly increases thy real estate values.

6. The longer you deny your desire for a stainless steel gas barbecue grill with flush-mounted side burners, the longer it will be until you free your inner suburbanite and lead a fulfilling existence.

7. If your city friends don’t visit you within the first seven months of your suburban stay, they are not going to visit you.

8. As you settle into a family friendly lifestyle and the comforts of your own home, remember: there is a fine line between a happy suburban couple curled up on the couch and two carcasses who’ve fallen asleep to the same Netflix movie they’ve tried to watch for five Saturday nights in a row.

9. Show me someone who says they could never move to the suburbs because it means they’ve have to drive everywhere, and I’ll show you someone who’s never stood next to a guy on a rush hour subway who picked his nose and wiped the boogie on the pole they were holding.

10. You’re either on the minivan or off the minivan.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/12/quotes-for-fathers_n_3424179.html

Please scroll immediately to #22, then backtrack to #21. That guy at #22 is in good company, right?

correct breathing apparatus

Breathing: All mouth-breathing should be conducted through snorkels. In areas where snorkels are in short supply, the Consortium of Respiratory Pulmonologists recommends inserting a plastic drinking straw between the lips, and bending the flexible, “ridged” tip upwards. Individuals who live or work indoors should attach a generous length of rubber tubing to the open end of the straw, and vent all breath to a nearby window in the manner of a clothes dryer. Due to the severity of this season’s flu, some states have reported shortages of flexible, ridge-style straws and rubber tubing ventilation apparatus. Surgical tape affixed to the lips may be used as a secondary means of prevention.

proper sneeze position.

Sneezing: Revising prior recommendations to sneeze into the crook of the forearm rather than the hand, the American Medical Association now requires all sneezing to be conducted within one’s shirt or blouse collar, which must be pulled up over the chin, lips, nose, eyes, forehead, and scalp prior to releasing a sneeze or series of sneezes. Once the cranium is completely concealed within the shirt or blouse collar, sneezers are advised to grasp the shirt or blouse collar at the top of the head, twisting vigorously in a counter-clockwise fashion to seal in contagions. Please hold this position for four-to-six hours. Eyeholes may be cut out to facilitate sight if necessary. Note: Individuals in high-risk occupations such as hospital employees and childcare providers are urged to wear protective Berkas to the workplace.

Seal mucus membranes.

Runny nose: The National Academy of Ear, Nose, and Throat Doctors advises that all nostrils be sealed with surgical sutures. In areas where surgical sutures are in short supply, swimmer’s nose plugs are advised. Clothespins affixed to the nose are recommended in areas where nose plug supplies are scarce. The use of tissues is highly discouraged as they have been shown to collect in open trash receptacles and become breeding grounds for contamination. The blowing of noses should therefore occur into a handkerchief, ascot, or plush bath towel that should be dry-cleaned immediately following nasal contact. (Note: The International Council On Infectious Disease does not recommend dry-cleaning ascots made of 100% silk, as they tend to develop a slight dullness over time.) In parts of the country where handkerchiefs, ascots, and plush bath towels are in short supply, Clorox Wipes are advised.

Coughing:  Cough only into a Ziploc sandwich bag, 1 quart freezer-style with E-Z plastic sliding tab to lock in airborne contaminants. In regions where Ziploc bags are in short supply, the Centers for Disease Control urges coughers to cover their mouths by making a fist and inserting their knuckles firmly between the upper and lower teeth for the duration of the cough and/or coughs. Remove traces of saliva and blood from the knuckles by washing your hands with a dry steel wool pad and rinsing thoroughly in a solution of warm water and Liquid-Plumr. Remember, most germs are spread through hand-to-hand contact. In regions where Latex rubber gloves are in short supply, arm-length ballroom gloves are recommended.

The legendary motivational speaker Zig Zigler died yesterday, causing me to look back and reflect upon the possibility that I once met him a million  years ago (well maybe not a million,  because the obituary said he was only 86 when he died). Finally, at approximately 3 o’clock in the morning, I remembered where and how our paths did cross. It was at Boston Garden, during a sold-out show called The Success Seminar. He was the featured speaker, and I was sent by the local NPR station to interview him using my trademark brand of hardball journalism. I will never forget Zig (since approximately 3 o’clock yesterday morning). In his memory, I would now like to share with you a memento of that fateful day when he and I first met. Press play.