David McCaffrey's Blog: Hellbound and Beyond-Random Musings of a Prospective Autbor

'I just hate stupid people.They should have to wear signs that just say I'm stupid.That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me.. oops,Never mind. I didn't see your sign." '                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Bill Engvall

The other day, as a result of my most recent blog posts, I was threatened with legal action.

Not because my posts contain anything remotely identifiable within their prose, aside from myself, but because others could identify themselves in the anonymous examples I had given.

This is what happens when you call out others on their behaviours.

Now, don’t misunderstand me; I am not a victim in this. I have a great job and organisation that supported me in taking an employment vacation to pastures new and exciting, a job I have now returned to. I also have a few other things going on, so nothing has changed aside from the fact that I get to spend more time at home with Kelly and the boys, something I shall never see as a challenge… okay, nearly always not seen as a challenge!

The first post in this series of three was about behaviours; the second was about the effects said behaviours can have on mental health. This final post is on the lies that often surround such events and, to a lesser extent, the effects these behaviours can have on others.

I would never ask nor expect anyone to stand up and be counted, as that is something very few people feel comfortable doing. A small number of colleagues back in 2016 did so, and they suffered for it (some in small ways, others in slightly more disturbing ways), but they did what they thought was right and what they could, and, for that, I was and will forever be grateful… I dedicated a book to them on a few occasions for that very reason – I couldn’t make it up to them, but their support and friendship would live on in-perpetuity in the text of some of my books. 

I am not the only person to have been exposed to the behaviours I mentioned previously. Indeed, I summarised these behaviours; there were many more occasions. However, you only need a few to get the gist.

Other people I know and know of have been upset to the point of tears and belittled frequently, all in the name of making money and saving face.

I was advised I had to be ‘let go’ from a former position due to my being ‘too deferential and indecisive.’ I was also told I was not suited to working in ‘high pressure’ situations and businesses. I was also advised this had been raised across three separate positions.

Now, there are two ways to look at this.

1) I was ‘deferential and indecisive’ (since when is being respectful a negative quality?) across three separate positions and wasn’t suited to working in a high-pressure occupation. I was never made aware of this until I was fired. That reads as, my employer had been provided with information and evidence (neither of which exist, I shall wager) on such indecisiveness, but did nothing about it, neither to allow me to correct my behaviour, nor to save others money and time by keeping such an albatross employed… for nearly a year. That, to me, sounds like bad management and crap employer support. They just let someone carry on, despite being a less-than-effective employee… for nearly a year!

2) They are lying.

Let’s take the first possibility.

I have been told, shown, and had it reported that, at no point during my tenure, were any claims made about my being indecisive. Though CD and I had personal issues, professionally there were none. This was reported as such to my second boss in my second position (remember I was moved) and I was advised that from an IPC perspective, others engaged well with me, got on with me and that I was doing a good job.

Personally, my manager didn't like me.

Professionally, they did, or at least magnanimously acknowledged I had a rough idea of what I was doing.

The same goes for me the other way around too.

Actually, I think in their day job, as it were, pre-COVID, they were probably pretty awesome.

 

It was claimed that boss number 2 had also stated, on numerous occasions, that I was deferential and indecisive. Boss number 2 told me personally that they had a) never said any such thing and b) had only spoken to my employer on two occasions about myself, and neither occasion had to do with my indecisiveness (one was my being off my game initially, which I owned up to then and did so in this series of posts). 

This was right at the beginning of my time with Boss 2 - everything subsequent was great.

Prior to my being moved from position three (I was supposed to be moved into this one, in case you are thinking, “He got moved how many times?!), I had attended the few meetings that had taken place with an invitation for me, had visited from the North to attend meetings that only lasted twenty minutes, and had been present on the two occasions my presence was requested specifically. The second of these coincided with my joining this position full time, given work was growing ever busier.

 

I was there for a week, full time, as requested, before I was told by a second party (or third party) that I was not to return due to my being deferential and indecisive.

To be indecisive, there must be decisions presented to you that you take too long deciding on.

There were exactly zero.

In fact, I even travelled down with a day's notice at the production manager's request, 24 hours after Kelly had returned from abroad following surgery. This was with her blessing, of course, and the manager asked me if it was okay and if Kelly was okay, but still, my role meant that much to me that I went down to support them in such circumstances.

I have evidence of the few times my opinion had been sought and the timeliness of the responses. Some of these were over a weekend and the responses were still pretty good.

Yet apparently, I’m indecisive.

Of course, the business didn’t have the decency to tell me this themselves, so they got my employers to pass on the information.

 

I messaged said business and said that I thought we had had a good relationship (they had told me as much) and that it would have been appreciated to tell me in person that I wasn’t doing… whatever it was that I didn’t know I was supposed to be doing.

 

Whilst there, I would always ask if there was ever anything else I could help with, but always got the same response of, “We’ll let you know.”

 

The whole of the above just doesn’t ring true or, as I suggest above, it is true, and my employers were just bad at managing their staff.

 

Which brings us to number 2. 

 

They are lying.

 

This is the one which seems likely, given that the evidence suggests as much.

 

I had identified and challenged poor behaviour a few days before I was let go. The individual I had challenged and noted in the summary paper I wrote, was a big deal in his chosen career. I couldn’t help but wonder afterwards, whether my decision to challenge him and note it in the report I was tasked to write about such behaviours, wasn’t a factor in the decision to fire me.

Honestly, I don’t mind too much. Though it was heart-breaking at the time and remains sad to know where I had been sent to was somewhere that was a dream come true, only to be removed for the two reasons mentioned, I had Kelly and the boys to spend more time with, a lovely team of people to go back to and other employments opportunities to get stuck into.

 

I lived a personal dream for the middle section of this time, met some amazingly talented and kind people who bust their arses daily and never thought, in a million years, I would spend one day, never mind nearly a year, in this place where dreams are brought to life.

It is truly a magical world, and one I will never forget having been allow to even dip my toe into. and I got to spend two days on something that will forever be the highlight of my time there. And something I will be wetting myself with excitement when I watch it tomorrow!

 

Despite my disappointment in my employers, one of them was a nice person and, I think, tried to bring balance to his rude, ignorant and bullying counterpart. 

I will miss him, as he tried to be kind and supportive. 

The other individuals who work within the same profession in this place of work are lovely, knowledgeable, and humble professionals who deserved to be treated better than they are, both by their primary and, in some cases, secondary employer.

 

On a final note, I would like to say this if you will indulge me.

 

Military individuals, firemen and women, police officers, bodyguards, security officers… so many others have careers and jobs that are the definition of a ‘high pressure’ profession. Heroes all.

Nurses also live in this world. It is relative and individual, but I know so many medical health professionals who experience ‘high pressure’ situations on a regular basis. 

 

Not as stressful as being shot at, being under fire, protecting comrades, putting out and entering fire-engulfed buildings, chasing armed suspects and so on, but stressful in its own right.

 

I have worked in Libya, in a hospital, whilst the country and infrastructure around it were going to shit. Armed guards with AK-47’s outside your room, secret police everywhere, waiting for an utterance of the name Gadhafi (a jailable offence at that time; you had to call him The Leader).

I have worked alongside inspiring colleagues in the medical profession during the Ebola crisis, having to be prepared to care for suspected Ebola cases, of which we had a few. The realisation that, if your donning and doffing of PPE were not ‘Jonny on the Spot’ on the day when those patients are admitted and you are called to be involved in their care, you would die a horrible, painful death, with no cure, if not caught within a few days.

 

I have, alongside my wife and so many other former colleagues, being on top of the trolley whilst the patient is being rushed to theatre from the ward, hands on their groin as their graft has blown and arterial blood is going everywhere and they will die if you release pressure, even for a second. 

When you tell me I am not equipped to deal with ‘high pressure’ situations, production, industry and/or occasions, I will say this.

Where you work, what you do, is nothing like a ‘high pressure’ situation compared to all the above I have mentioned, from the military to my own.

 

So, kindly get fucked.

 

Or, as Bill Engvall puts it...

 

 

"I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me, "You think he's been hunting?""Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep." 'Here's your sign!'                                                                                                        Bill Engvall


Slightly more sombre tone for this second-of-three posts.
The funny thing about bullies is that they always cry victim when they are called out on their behaviour.
My most recent experience, the early part of which was discussed in the previous post, was atypical of every other reported bullying experience - no one gave a shit. 
I mentioned that when I raised my concerns on a number of occasions, I was told that no one cares, no one is interested and no one is bothered. It even went as far as, "If you can't take it, then perhaps this isn't the role for you."
Really? That is the response you think is appropriate?
Now, I'm a big boy and can handle myself. I have no problem with confrontations (though avoid them until unavoidable) and do not have double standards, nor am I two-faced. I will say what I see. But I will admit, as I have before, that I struggle with certain things nowadays. Ever since I was ill and recognised (forcibly, granted!) that my mental health issues were a HUGE issue, certain aspects of life just get to me in a way that they didn't before. The 'other guy' who protected me for so long and was my armour to the world and everything in it, didn't let anything bother him (that was, of course, the problem). When I locked him away, I had no protection emotionally, so events that would've have just slipped over my head, now really resonated with me.
Once again, my early experiences working as an IPCN and the behaviours of others, caused me to become poorly, self-harm and consider other, less tasteful things to punish myself.
Punish myself.
Therein lies the irony... that you are made to feel so worthless and useless, that you want to make yourself suffer. Whereas once I would have ripped the other person a new arsehole and not given a damn about the consequences (remember, I'm indecisive apparently!), now I was considered and measured with responses and didn't wish to pay forward that which I was being exposed to.
The undermining behaviour I was exposed to (not always, I must add, but often) tried to spoil my experience, but that was one aspect I refused to let it do. I felt honoured and privileged, as I mentioned in the first post, to be doing what I was doing, where I was doing it, and wasn't going to let a small-minded, arrogant, bullying individual take that away from me. I have already addressed the fact that, said individual may well have been and likely was, an expert in their field. But, like so many areas of the world affected by the pandemic, people had to change and modify their roles to make work 'work', and were suddenly exposition-dumped with knowledge that they had not needed before (and likely, not been interested in). Some people acknowledge that it is not their forte and rely on you for support. 
Others just claim to be the font of all fucking knowledge, know more than you do (despite them saying one day they absolutely don't, but then challenge your every decision like they do) and will behave that way in front of others to try and disempower you.
As I say, it bothered me, and I suffered, mentally and physically as a consequence. But that is my problem to solve and I realised I still have work to do in regard to how I cope with certain situations. 
Maybe when I grow up!
Anyway, as a consequence of everything, I was moved to another department. Now, this will be have been of benefit to my manager as well, as we just didn't get on. Despite the behaviours mentioned (and there were more, trust me), we just clashed. I think I have only not gotten on with someone once-maybe twice in my life (I'm an easy guy to like!), but you know, you can't please everyone, and that was who they had ended up being assigned as an IPCN... even Kelly said 'bless them'.
She does say it takes a village to raise a David! However, I digress...
Some dick-ish, twat-ish behaviours and statements were made by my employer regarding my trying to do the right thing and be nice, but ultimately I started working somewhere different but the same.
And the experience was completely opposite!
Just like the hospital in the north-east in 2016 and everything that happened there, you go just a little further out west, and you are in the same environment, but with different behaviours and attitudes.
This 'middle section' of my time at work is full of fantastic, lovely, and enlightening experiences and truly seemed to typify what such an experience should be like. I saw such professional behaviours, attitudes and appreciation.
I did find myself off my game initially, missing the beginnings of meetings and being in a bit of a funk (a number of other things were happening at home at the time, with Kelly and the boys and, though I know home-life should stay at home, I found certain elements difficult to compartmentalise), but I was spoken to by my new manager, he told me things straight, I appreciate that and everything was smooth sailing after that.
Oooo, I have just remembered something just before all of the above.
So, I get a phone call one day, asking me if I would mind showing around a few new IPCN's. I said no problem and then spent the week getting to know them and showing them as much as I could. They were extremely experienced, so didn't need me to teach them the old 'granny egg sucking trick', and it was more orientation and how clinical practices are fitting into a non-clinical setting.
During the course of this week, one of the nurses mentions to me that they think they will be working on so-and-so. 
So-and-so is where I am working, but I had an idea what was going to take place, so just made some jokes, introduced them to CD and the office team and that was that.
At the end of the week, I see one of my employers having dinner. I walk up to let him know the nurses are all fine and great, and happen to mentioned that one of them is thinking they will be working on the same job as me.
I make a joke, and say, "I would have to hand it to you and applaud your huge set of balls if you have me showing around my replacement."
"Don't be silly, David. We wouldn't do that. Ha, Ha, Ha."
That evening, I receive an email stating that I have been replaced by my aforementioned fellow nurse.
Professional behaviour? Make up your own mind.
This employers is lovely, I must add, and was always kind and understanding, or at least pretended to be. But I find it hard to accept a clam of ignorance regarding that situation... who knows.
As my psychologist told me a long time ago, it isn't that you can't accept things, but you have to accept that you can't accept them. 
Good advice.
There is one final part to this short blog series, which shall be shared to due course.
What I will say to end this post is that, everything today and before, simply illustrates that, not only does bullying behaviour exist and is seemingly encouraged (despite all the bollocks signs you see in the world advising that they don't tolerate bullying. Christ, the NHS and other areas have policies about exactly that), but that there is no interest not support regarding mental health and mental health support.
It is simply a case of, if you can't take it, fuck off.
Now, I completely understand that going into any profession as an outsider and agency worker, is never going to accommodate feelings of feeling part of a team. Especially when individuals have worked together for so long. Totally get it.
And I suppose, businesses don't want to spend time and money, trying to support transitory employees. That kind of makes sense too.
But the fact remains that mental health issues and struggles are still seen as behaviours and problems that should remain in the shadows and out of sight and spoken mind.
The fact remains that bullying is alive and well across so many different industry's, avenues and corporations.
And the fact remains that, those in power will always try to silence those who they believe have none.
Victims and subjects of bullying are not and will never remain silent. We have a powerful voice, that is only getting louder.
Hear us roar.

"Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and asked, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist so I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

                                                                                                                                                            Bill Engvall

The pandemic has created many unusual, strange, surprising and unexpected situations for the planet.

Many negative, horrendous and heart-breaking, some opportunistic and diverse in ways we couldn't have foreseen.

One of the latter was being offered the opportunity to work in an infection prevention and control capacity in the production world.

Yup, I never saw that one coming either. I never, in my wildest dreams, ever imagined that my work and little bit of knowledge in infection control would lead me to an industry I have revere since I was a child.

Anyone who knows me knows I am a huge geek, huge comic book fan, huge gamer, huge soundtrack fan, huge film fan... and someone with a huge curiosity regarding knowing how things work, how things are done and how things get made.

So, to say I was excited when I heard I would be working in the UK doing something that I love for something that I have loved forever, would be an understatement. 

I may have wee'd a little.

What I should have realised, given that there have been tales in the press forever, was that bullying, sly and inappropriate behaviour are as rife in that world as they are in the healthcare industry and so many others.

Looking back, I allowed my excitement and utter wonder of that world to cloud my appreciation of what it would actually be like.

Now, don't misunderstand me. My time, though top and tailed with appalling behaviours, was magical in the middle. I was overwhelmed and underwhelmed in equal measure at how things are done on the journey to making something the world will benefit from; all of it simply a dream to behold. And to get to deliver IPC training, education and support, a subject I adore, in such a world, was a huge learning opportunity and one I have taken from so very much regarding the application, understanding and practicality of infection control in alternate workplaces.

But the start and finish of my time there... an absolute suck-feast.

The gist of it is this. There were people employed there who, whilst exceptional and sometimes renowned in their usual roles, were thrust into positions in order to manage COVID-19 with no medical background, no healthcare experience, no microbiology/virology experience and only knew what they had seen on the news or read in the newspapers about coronavirus.

And this was where there was a disconnect. 

Now, I can only speak of my experience, but from the first day there, my manager was one of these...

At the time, I was able to appreciate a modicum of the pressure they must have been under, being familiar with the urgency and details involved in contact tracing potentially infected individuals, dealing with IPC queries, managing the screening of cohorts of people... usual hospital and community IPC requirements.

Add onto this, the pressure a major company* must place on someone regarding their immediate desire for results and information, something I know nothing about, and I can see perfectly how it can affect one's behaviours, rightly or wrongly. 

*Said company gave all its instructions and diatribes from another country. Think about how effective it can be, trying to manage 'outbreak' situations when there is maybe a ten-hour time difference and having to share/being ordered to share, urgent information with others tens of thousands of miles away... yeah, nigh on impossible

But that is no excuse for being a twat. 

After my fellow IPCN, whom I was replacing, left, I quickly realised that I knew nothing as far as Crocodile Dundee was concerned (my manager was Australian). 

"David, would you mind speaking to so-and-so and giving them some advice on x,y, and z?"

"No worries. I'll go now."

Cut to return to office

" What did you tell them?"

"I said 'blah, blah, blah' and 'la, la'. They were happy with 'this and that' and I said I would check in on them later."

"What the fuck, David! You don't get to make decisions and give that kind of advice without checking with me first."

This would get to be a common occurrence. Ask me to offer advice, give my opinion, suggest alternatives etc, and then be challenged, questioned, abused for giving the advice that I did.

I have no problem in someone challenging my opinion; I have no ego to bruise (I got rid of that albatross when I 86'd the 'other guy'). But I find it awkward when the person challenging my medical advice is a former beauty spot manager with no medical background whatsoever. 

I often wanted to say, "Well, what the fuck did you ask me for?"

But I didn't. For once in my life (isn't that a song?) I was in a world that I couldn't have ever imagined being, so I was prepared to eat shit for the short amount of time I would be working with this person. 

Anyway, variations on the above happened frequently, and my employers (I was working as a contractor, hired out by a secondary employer via a tertiary company whilst advising in a quorate capacity... I know, I get confused too) often told me "I don't care" or "I'm not interested" or a variation thereof. 

One day, I got so sick and tired of being sworn at and belittled in front of others in the office, that I just left.

I called my boss, said I'd had enough, that I wouldn’t put up with that kind of shit from my family, never mind a stranger, and went home.

Kelly was pissed, not with the reason for my decision, but because I hadn’t discussed it with her first... which is a fair point. I am often accused of being impulsive and rash (remember that, as it will become relevant shortly) and, in hindsight at the time, I had to admit it had been a tad dramatic. 

I was called and asked to come back if I wanted to, I said I did, and that was it. A forced, insincere apology was offered by CD and everything went on as expected.

Until a few months later, I made a genuine mistake regarding a contact tracing occurrence. The fault lay 100% with me. I made an assumption about this person's circumstances, something a nurse should never make, and provided the wrong information.

Segue

The backstory for context is that I had delivered an induction session, and one of the attendees was one of those identified as a close contact. I had immediately connected with this person, something I rarely do, and we'd had a great, funny chat. I was told it was their first time there, had a daughter (during the conversation) and that they would be working in the customer relations business.

End of segue

When I contacted them, instead of asking all the questions I should have, I assumed that, given I had been told certain facts when we had chatted after the induction, I only needed to check a few things.

This information was shared and I thought that was that.

I was then called shortly after, with my manager telling me that said individual had been working on this day and that day, had been in potential contact with so many others, and had worked there for a while,

I was trying to convey that it couldn't be the same person, as they told me they hadn't been there before. It must be someone with the same name (which is virtually impossible if you knew their name!)

This was pretty much the reason that I ended up being moved from the location I worked on to the location I ended up on (which was for the best all around, but I didn't know that at the time).

Just to clarify, I was completely wrong, and my manager was right. I shouldn't have assumed anything and just asked the correct questions. But I foolishly had a sense of security and fondness towards this person, in an inanely short period of time, so completely dropped my professional approach.

Other factors contributed to this situation. It was a weekend, and I was bathing the boys at the time of the call, so I didn't answer my phone immediately, I don't have a problem at all working on a weekend, even if I am not supposed to be, but I perhaps don't have the same sense of urgency if my phone rings. So, I had six missed calls and five text messages before I was given the above data collection job I then fucked up collecting.

I was then told that I had to answer my phone in one ring, even on a weekend, and that the company line was that you had to be available whenever and at all hours. I stated that I didn't mind that, but on a weekend, my family would come first. 

I wrote up some reflection on my mistake and it all came to a head in the office a few days later when, after being asked an infection control-based question, my manager then said they would check with a doctor (who gave the same advice). I asked why ask me if it was going to be checked with someone else anyway. I was told that they weren't prepared to speak to me anymore, and I responded that they were a thoroughly unpleasant person to work with.

I was then told, "I wouldn't worry about it, David as you won't be working here for much longer."

That wasn't the case at all, but I will save that for tomorrow!

N.B By the way, I became great friends with the individual whose contact tracing information I had fucked up. They told me months later that they had worked there for months at the time of the induction and were just messing about. They also didn’t have a daughter - it was their sister.

Bastard.

Stigma is discrimination against an identifiable group of people, a place, or a nation. Stigma is associated with a lack of knowledge about how COVID-19 spreads, a need to blame someone, fears about disease and death, and gossip that spreads rumors and myths.                                                                                                                CDC - 2020

So, 2020 was a bit of a cluster-fuck, I think we can all agree.
Politics and COVID-19 pretty much encapsulate the problems we all faced to varying degrees last year. The former was as diverse as always; the latter brought us together in a way few could have ever foreseen. In Infection Prevention and Control, we tended to have a saying, that IPC was everyone's business. In 2020, that literally became a global absolute.
Taking this into consideration, you would think that behaviours such as bullying would have kind of fallen by the wayside; that people who would demonstrate such attitudes had better things to do than pick on other people.
Sadly, it couldn't be further from the truth.
We now live in the world of the COVID bully.


Last year, we saw adults behaving like children; telling tales on their neighbours for not socially isolating or buying too many toilet rolls. We saw grown ups (I use the word loosely) kicking off in the supermarket and being abusive to employees for being asked to wear a mask. We saw people being pandemic shamed, because they didn't share the same views as others; not that they had an opinion and it wasn't the same as someone else's, but valid points could be acknowledged on both sides, but being called 'sheep', 'stupid' or plain wrong because they didn't have that person's opinion. 
Those are just a few examples, but it is enough to illustrate a point.
Conversely, bullies have developed on the other side, complaining and challenging when someone is not wearing a mask and calling them stupid, wrong etc.
We won't go into the definition of 'bully', as I have previously demonstrated how they are at least three different interpretations of the word, but we can say that social media has absolutely been a godsend to the above camps; for and against, as they can not just share their opinion and feelings once and leave it at that, thereby not running the risk of being labelled a bully, but a passionate individual - no, they have to constantly state their beliefs and repeatedly tell others how wrong they are.
That repeated behaviour, my dear readers, is part of what constitutes a bully.
And yet, there is an irony to this in many cases.
Many of these people are hypocrites about the very subject they are so vitriolic about.
For example, I have getting the train to and from London throughout the pandemic for my work as an Infection Prevention and Control nurse. Numbers of people travelling during this time has varied, but masks soon became a compulsory part of that journey.
There is one conductor, whom I haven't seen for some time, who I would chat to occasionally (not a fan of talking to anyone really, but sometimes someone will mention the off golden nugget you just cannot resist) and, of course, COVID came up more than once.
Now, pre-masks on transport, this cat was a David Icke, conspiracy theorist, non-believer, and supporter of the fact that it was all genetically engineered (That one always makes me chuckle; like anyone honestly believes we have the technology to create a targeted biological weapon; one that specifically targets different genomes, cultures, races, ethnicities and parts of the world in relation to temperature😜. Those in positions of power couldn't even launch Cyberpunk 2077 on the Xbox One and Playstation 4 without it glitching). He absolutely wasn't going to be wearing a mask if and when it was stipulated by the Government that you would have too. 
No way; he wasn't going to be repressed and told what to do by the 1% of the world who ran everything in secret, no sir. 
Of course, I couldn't not mention I was an IPCN, which caused confusion, as he believed in MRSA and Clostridium difficile (his Nanna had died from it, he told me) and thought that antibiotic resistance would be a huge problem in the future (he was and remains spot-on. The WHO have antibiotic resistance up there as one of the three main threats to mankind, alongside global warming and terrorism... which also probably don't exist, but anyway...)
But he was not going to wear a mask for work, no way. He wouldn't bend to a totalitarian rule, not that day, not ever.
Maybe two months later, I am on the train and here he is, checking the QR codes on tickets (mostly QR codes now, which does take away the experience of panicking when not being able to locate your paper ticket) and what does he have on his face?
We said our cordial hellos ( I am so often still recognised, even with a mask, due to my always wearing a cap) and I mentioned he had a mask on, because why wouldn't I?
He said he still felt the same, but he had a family and bills to pay and was told by his employers that he either wore a mask or found another job, but that all the railways had the same stance, so he needed to decide.
I said that worrying about money and bills was the last thing any of us needed, which he agreed. Ultimately, he would wear one because he needed to support his family.
I have seen the same thing in the NHS, film industry, catering, airline industry, engineering... the 'so-called' Citizen Smith's of the pandemic, telling the world how they are sticking it to the man, that they will not bend or capitulate and that we are sheep for doing what the government tell us... but that they will wear a mask as they need their job.
Dr. Kathy Barringer said that we had to 'recognise that getting upset over someone else not wearing a mask won't serve you. You don't have control over them, but you do have control over yourself.'
The same goes for wearing one.
We have free-will and can decide how we wish to behave and be seen by the world and those around us; believe or don't believe is our right, but our personal beliefs and opinions do not need to be aggressively shoved down another throat. We only need to do what we  believe to be right. Ultimately, it will balance itself out in the end, for good or ill right or wrong, but we have to be comfortable with the choices that we make.
Children being bullied, cyber or otherwise, is unacceptable. Adults behaving like bullies is deplorable. Incivility is sadly something that has grown exponentially with COVID, like an infection in its own right, it has been contract and spread amongst the human race, infecting people to their very core, with no certain treatment for it, other than hope, intelligence and a little luck.
Block anyone who is a plank on Facebook. I'm a serial blocker according to Kelly, not because I can't argue, just that I cannot be arsed anymore. Some people you can discuss things with, share opposing views and take the other person's point on board and occasionally think, 'Ah, actually that is a good point.' You haven't betrayed your ethics or beliefs, just been mature enough to realise that you don't know it all. 
And that is fine. I have a few friends who I don't agree with about COVID etc, but you can have a reasonable conversation with them without being abused. 
In fact, I only have a few friends.
But, this is how it should be (not the few friends bit), having conflicting opinions yet appreciating that we can learn from each other without compromising our core beliefs.
At the end of the day, research and science support the fact that bullying and, by default, conflict, is down to 7 issues. Deadly sins, if you would.
1. Uncertainty2. Fear3. Suspicion4. Stress5. Alliances6. Disengagement7. Gossip
Bullies in this current COVID world, are uncertain of the future because they have lost an element of control in their lives and want to get it back and keep a modicum of it as much as possible. They are afraid and feel they have lost power to control their own day-to-day living. They believe they have no clear purpose and, in regards to social media etc, and opinions, they have to have a voice and feel valued, therefore they will state, as fact, everything they believe, because they have to be right. If they are wrong, then they are afraid they will be seen as stupid, irresponsible, deluded and unvalued.
And they may well be, but has anyone not been wrong before? I seriously doubt it.
Yes, being less outspoken may allow you to maintain most of your pride and dignity (as you silently think when this is all over, 'Phew, dodged a 'looking-silly' bullet there!'), but at the end of the day, people of more important things to worry about than another opinion... or you would hope so, though if that were the case, I wouldn't be writing this!
Real or fake, we are all in this together. Never was a cliché more apt.
At the end of the day, there are absolutely many aspects of this pandemic that bear closer inspection. 
It's obvious that it started earlier in China and that they tried to cover it up in the hope they could control it; they couldn't and here we are.Track and Trace was a fucking disaster on its initial launch, and isn't much better 2nd time around. I mean, I am inundated with calls daily about a colleague who has been told by the app to self-isolate when they haven't left the house in 8 days. How can an app on a phone take into account mitigating circumstances?The government should have focused on face masks last March and not hand hygiene. Hand hygiene is important, of course, but when you have a respiratory illness, you need to address the vectors of transmission i.e. nose and mouth.Services not being closed when they should have and the original lock-down being lifted when it should have remained in place longer.COVID statistics were fudged beyond belief.
You could go on, but I wanted to show that not everyone who believes this pandemic thinks all is upfront and honest about it, no fucking way.
I don't believe Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK; there is too much evidence to suggest otherwise that those who think he did chose to ignore. But I do believe that he was involved in some respect, as the evidence supports that too.
Why can't this be the same? We don't have to believe that everything is on the level, get ourselves and our families vaccinated if we don't wish to (see my previous post on anti-vaxers) and don't have to believe that the government is always telling the truth (of course they don't).
But you can consider that, despite all of that, there is a virus that is decimating the world, ruining lives and won't go away anytime soon. Believing in a virus doesn't mean your a sheep.
It means you are rightly a little afraid, and that is a good thing.
Those who haven't experienced the effects of COVID, directly or in-directly, have no idea that pain, suffering and anguish it can cause.
I hope that they never do, though I would love to hear them say what it was they did have?
A bad cold?
The flu?
They opened their email and contracted a virus?
I'll then go and tell Kelly and her family that Grandad Tucker didn't have COVID, that the lab results were faked (twice), that everyone dealing with his care was lying and 'in on it' and that the local newspaper were duped into reporting his initial discharge from hospital.
How stupid they must feel, eh?

Banning unvaccinated children from public spaces? Appropriate? Ethical? Legal? Justified?

This was a measure implemented in New York State, 2018, where a state of emergency was declared concerning measles. Unvaccinated children were barred from attending public spaces and schools.
Indeed, here in the U.K, there has long been talk that children who have not been vaccinated against measles, mumps, and rubella, will not be allowed to attend school (unless they have had them).
Anti-vaccination rhetoric has increased year on year, especially since the paper written by Andrew Wakefield, which attempted to link the MMR vaccine to autism.
If his report had been published in the Sunday Sun, no one would have paid it much mind; publish it in The Lancet, and it must have credibility as The Lancet is one of the world's most lauded medical journals. 
Pro and anti-vaccination believer - no one can deny that you can take 12 children and generalise the results to the world's population with any certainty. Yet, this is what Andrew Wakefield did, The Lancet published it, and measles, once an infection that had nearly had its day, was on the increase again.
Does it cause autism? No one knows. It might, it might not. The argument is not whether it does or doesn't, but instead that there is no evidence to prove it either way.
You can believe it is responsible for your child developing autism, or it was simply destined to be. I chose to believe that the MMR wasn't accountable for Jakey being identified as autistic; looking back, he had certain traits that now seem to suggest he was on the spectrum. Yes, it could just have been the behaviour of a one/two-year-old as standard, and nothing to do with a learning disability and mine and Vicky's decision made him autistic. 
There is no way to know or tell. Autistic tendencies only really show from a child being aged two onwards. So, the consideration then becomes 'am I prepared to risk my child becoming deaf, blind, developing encephalitis or indeed dying, for the sake of him potentially being autistic, but alive and able to see and hear?'
As an Infection Prevention and Control nurse, I felt comfortable with my own knowledge, experience, and facts gathered to make an informed decision alongside Jake's mum. But it was our decision, and is in no way something that I did or would ever dictate is the absolutely right thing to do for children; it was merely our decision based upon conclusions we came to using evidence, both for and against, the MMR jab. 
There is no doubt that Andrew Wakefield's report had a considerable impact on immunisation conversations and caused suspicions that have been hard to reverse. Indeed, the more politicians and healthcare staff push for immunisations, the warier the public is going to be. Understandable. You know the whole 'me think the lady doth protest too much.'
Andrew Wakefield was struck off by the General Medical Council for his upon-evidence based claims, but the damage was done. Reports of pharmaceutical involvement to promote the expensive use of the single jab vaccination process circulated his statement, with the participation of Big-Pharma undeniable in many respects when it comes to anything medicinally related. 
But again, I am dealing with facts; neither stating an opinion one way of the other is correct, but providing facts, all of which can be checked independently. 
Do I believe there is money to be made from vaccinations for those in the world who don't actually need more? Abso-fucking-lutely! There is no doubt. 






So, one may rightly ask why this blog topic?
Well, it is purely to try and identify a 'both sides' perspective. 
This is mostly due to a post I read the other day, where anti-vaccination campaigners and believers were discussing the oft-discussed COVID-19 vaccine.
Now, let me state quite clearly, I have serious concerns about a vaccination that is repeatedly proposed to be ready this year; that is too short a time for a vaccine to have been developed and tested adequately and to be proven safe... well, as safe as any vaccine can be (something we will touch upon in a moment).
The frustrations I do have are where someone willfully and forcefully states their opinion as fact. Not could be, might be, there is a chance of... but 100% truth.
And in regards to vaccinations, if you voice anything other than the same opinion to many anti-vaxers, all you will receive in response is 'you sheep!' repeatedly. And I mean,  frequently , as in the only reply you will get. 
Now, I am generalising, and I know there are many pro and anti vaccinators who can see both sides of the conversation, as can I. 
Pro 1 - Vaccinations can save children's lives.Con 1 - Vaccinations can cause severe and, sometimes, fatal, side effects.
Pro 2 - Ingredients in vaccines are safe (in such small doses, ingredients such as aluminum and formaldehyde are not harmful; there is more aluminum in breast milk and formula than there is in any vaccination)Con 2 - Vaccines contain toxic ingredients (Formaldehyde, found in some vaccines, is a carcinogen and can, in some circumstances, cause severe neurological damage and cardiac impairment, amongst other symptoms... so can smoking. The conflict is not everyone who smokes gets cancer; not everyone who is vaccinated is affected by the small amounts of formaldehyde)
Pro 3 - Vaccinations can save children's lives and save parents moneyCon 3 - Vaccinations are unnatural, with natural immunity being more effective (vaccinations can be seen as a prime example of an oxymoron - all the ingredients of a vaccination you would naturally come across in your childhood and indeed lifetime, but not all in one go, which is what a vaccine does in its administration. The oxymoron of the vaccination is that it takes a potential pathogen alongside all the toxic ingredients and places them in your bloodstream. This would never occur in natural immunity)
On and on it goes - two sides to every aspect, as with many things in life. 


It is not that there is a right or wrong, but that there is a choice, a choice no one should be vilified for making, whichever side you sit on.
Yet, many conversations in the world today state not opinions or beliefs, but absolute facts. And usually from those who have no background in medicine, pharmacy, infection control, microbiology, pathology, surgery, neuroscience, etc. That doesn't mean that any one of those specialties has the definitive answer either, with many in all groups being adamant and steadfast in their interpretation of 'the facts.'
The only fact is that, when it comes to our children, it is a parents choice to decide what is best (at least at the moment, but we won't go there!). Vaccinate or don't, the parents will have considered it long and hard, whichever direction they chose. They should not have their choices made to sound like they were wrong, because they are only wrong to another parent. 
I love Star Wars. Others may feel they represent the worst cinema has to offer. I don't agree but accept that Star Wars is not everyone's cup of tea, and that is fine. I bear no ill will to those who don't like something, nor would I try to make them feel bad (I am vastly oversimplifying, but only to illustrate the point simplistically).
When you consider that, when we vaccinate our children, we take them somewhere to be deliberately stabbed and caused pain. We take them to. have a vaccination forced upon them against something that they don't currently have and may never have, exposing them to all the of the potential cons mentioned earlier. It doesn't make you a bad parent, just that, as a parent, you believe the means justify the end. A personal belief.
Parents who do not wish to stab their children or have them filled with a concoction of ingredients sound entirely sensible to me, if you consider it in, again, such simplistic terms. 
But life is far from simple. We all know this, now more than ever.
I shall leave you with this.
Seatbelts.
In rare circumstances, a seat belt might actually cause harm by rupturing the spleen or damaging the spine. But the benefits massively outweigh the risks, and there are most likely, not many parents who wouldn't put a seatbelt on their kids or themselves. 
It is not an argument of who is right or wrong when it comes to vaccinations for our children (and I am not talking about the COVID one... I have already mentioned my concerns on that), but that, as parents, we each weight up the benefits and the risks and act accordingly. 
Whichever side you fall on, we love our children, and always believe we are doing the right thing as far as we know and are concerned. 
At the end of the day, that is the only fact that matters. 

‘Killing yourself is a major commitment; it takes a kind of courage. Most people just lead lives of cowardly desperation. It’s kinda half suicide where you just dull yourself with substances.’Robert Crumb
I did not know Caroline Flack. I have no right to speak about her personal life or the circumstances of her heartbreaking death. I have no intention to do either.
 I do remember her from CBBC and TMi on a Saturday morning, heard her banter with Olly Murs in the background if The Xtra Factor was on and saw her occasionally dancing on Strictly, if my Mum or Kelly happened to have it on. 

Charming on Saturday morning television, funny and flirty with Olly, whose chemistry together was excellent, and a fantastic dancer from my limited knowledge of dancing (though Kelly is an awesome dancer, so I have a little insider information)
I do, however, have my personal experiences with mental health that make me no expert whatsoever but do provide a little insight into how, as people, we chose to view others who are suffering, struggling, or maybe just having a bad day. 
I spoke to The Samaritans once during a particularly dark period. I found them to be everything you would imagine them to be. This lady, who knew nothing about me, stayed on the phone to me for nearly an hour, just listening, suggesting, and never judging me personally alongside my considered, pathetic reasons for being passively suicidal.  
Aside from my one actual attempt, I have no desire to die at all. Despite some cockwomble, who has never met me and doesn’t know me, stating on Facebook that ‘I hate life,’ I love life, the world around me, and everyone in this existence with me. Not that there are many people in my life - aside from my beautiful turtle, Jakey, Gruff, Coley, my Mum, one of my brothers (I do have two sisters and two other brothers, but they are all arseholes) and maybe three friends - but those that are, sustain my love of life.
And that is kind of the thing. Aside from those mentioned above, no one else would give a crap if I disappeared from the face of the earth, because they do not know me. I wouldn’t be interfering with their daily life in any way if I died. And that is what you think, when you are in that place. 
‘Fuck it. Who gives a shit?’ 
Many comments have been made on social media since yesterday’s terrible news about us being so vocal about Caroline’s tragedy. We forget that so many ‘unknown’ individuals commit suicide every day, and we don’t lament their passing. 
Of course, we don’t. We don’t know them, nor do we know anything about them.
We don’t know anything about celebrities either. Nevertheless, we think we do, because we have seen them on television, read about them in a magazine and looked them up on Google.
Moreover, this is where we fail as a society and as human beings.
The Samaritans have terms that cover our over-simplification of events - “melodramatic depictions”, “speculation” or “unsubstantiated links between separate incidents”.
We watch and read about these famous individuals and draw our conclusions as to how all the reported events in their lives intersect and create a story.
We fill in the many blanks that exist in the spaces between what we don’t know and what we do - the space of what we don't know being vastly more extensive than that which we do – and we, therefore, permit ourselves to relate to them, understand them and, above all, judge them.
I know so many nosey people (my Mum, gorgeous though she is, being one of them!) who believe they have the right to know what so-and-so is doing two houses down in their street (and before some smart-arse brings up the whole ‘I’d want to know if a paedophile lived in my street’ I’m not talking about that kind of knowing what is going on in your street, so don’t bother), or what happened that night to explain so-and-so’s black eye… you could go on, but, most of the time, we know absolutely nothing at all. Not really.
We follow the ins and outs of celebrities and create our version of events that we convince ourselves to be true; we convince ourselves that Heath Ledger deliberately overdosed, that Michael Hutchence and Paula Yates took their own lives, that we knew how Chester Bennington felt before he died… and we may have ideas, thoughts, theories, or commonalities, but we state our opinions as absolutes.
Social media becomes a breeding ground for keyboard warriors spouting their personal beliefs as facts, forgoing any modicum of respect for the loss, any loss of life, and give such superficial statements such as ‘don’t be a hypocrite and claim to feel for the people who died on 9/11 if you’re not going to give the same amount of Facebook space to the people who died in Mali due to Islamist extremists’.
I agree that the loss of any life is tragic, but you cannot mourn what you do not know about.
I feel just as saddened about the death of a firefighter, Andrew Moore, from Wolverhampton as I do Caroline Flack.
I knew neither but became aware of both. I feel so sad for the loved ones they leave behind with all the unanswered questions such a death brings – did they not know they were loved? Why didn’t they come to me to talk? Why did they feel that there was no way out of the darkness that they saw their death as the only option?
We don’t know. How could we?
No one else outside of Kelly has the slightest idea why I wanted to die on 26th December 2016, and even Kelly won’t know exactly how I felt. No one knows me better than Kelly Joanne McCaffrey, but even she would claim not to know 100% how I felt.
I didn’t tell anyone I was going to do it. I came in drunk and all sorts of fucked up, went to the kitchen drawer, took a knife, and started cutting away. If the sharp implements hadn’t have been moved earlier that evening by Kelly, due to some prescient sense she experienced, and if I hadn’t have been left with the ones from Ikea that won’t cut shit, I may not be writing these words you are reading.
We don’t know what someone deserves, why they deserve it, or what happened in a particular circumstance. And if we don’t, we should shut the fuck up and keep our toxic, hateful and cowardly opinions to ourselves.
Don’t hide behind a keyboard and spout filth and hate. Don’t do it in person either.
Just don’t do it, period.
We have no right to over-simplify another’s life, simply because we think we know better or experienced something similar before.
Two journeys to the same destination will not be the same experience for both individuals. 
I read today of a lady called Efrat Tseelon, a cultural theorist from Leeds University who created the term “impossible space” to describe the irreconcilable demands placed upon women. 
Efrat Tseelon described an impossible creature given space and no space at all. A creature who is offered a position while being simultaneously denied it. Of a creature who bodies a thing and its opposite at the same time.
This creature being a woman, she goes on to say how they are a paradox and can never truly embrace the roles available and expected of her.
Gravitate towards them, and she is supporting an ideology that defines her the way others saw her in the first place. Deny the roles, and she denies herself opportunities that would otherwise have been available to her.
History uses Pandora to present this example of the impossible space. Created by Hephaistus to punish us for accepting Prometheus’s gift of fire stolen from the gods, she was endowed with all possible gifts and dangerous qualities. 
Beauty was a cunning device, her lack of sense of consequence, a weakness, her curiosity, a path towards sin. She was unable to resist opening a forbidden box and released all of mankind’s ills and lack of morality into the world, trapping hope inside in her hurry to close it. 
Efrat states that unable or unwilling to confront the complexity and humanity of the whole of what makes a woman, we reduce her to a set of easily digestible meanings. Ergo, when someone dies, we convince ourselves it is because of one of the personal opinions and facts that we concocted about them.
Did beautiful, talented, troubled, adored Caroline Flack believe taking her own life was her only option because of social media, the press, public scrutiny, her employer’s lack of support for her mental health, problems in her love life…?
We don’t know. We weren’t there. We didn’t know her, or Lewis Burton. We don’t know anything, so we shouldn’t state as fact that it was this, that, or that we shouldn’t feel sorry for her and mourn her because she did so-and-so. 
We know nothing. Our personal experiences of domestic violence, given, received, or witnessed, are just that – personal. They do not give us the right to make a judgement on someone else because we are not them, and we not involved.
I grew up surrounded by domestic violence, as did many others. However, my experiences do not give me any insight into someone else’s. How could they?
There are often many, multi-factorial reasons why someone gets into a place where there is no light, only desolation.
Laura Whitmore said it, as so many have before, in so many ways.
Be kind. 
Consider everyone around us, and how we may make them feel with our words, our actions, our sensibilities, and beliefs. Let us ensure mental health; all facets of mental health, are treated with the same amount of respect.
Let’s treat people as if we may never see them again and decide that, if that is the case, the last thing they think of us is not hateful and judgemental. Let us all believe we were loved, even for a moment, however fleeting. 
Life is intricate, with too many recurring figures, almost as though it were Pythagoras’s theorem made manifest. 
If life is too complicated for us to understand truly, so is suicide.
Why?
Because humans are complex too. 

Mental health is a funny thing.

Not funny haha, but funny strange.

We now live, quite rightly, in a world where there is a swell of support for not only accepting people suffering from their mental health but encouraging individuals to be open and honest about their personal struggles, no matter the cause or the severity. No one is to be judged on their trigger or symptoms; only praised for being honest and lauded for being strong enough to share something so personal with others.

I have been working as an agency nurse for most of this year. Fantastic companies (two of them; both the same but operate for opposite ends of the country) and, a pleasure to work for. Nothing is too much trouble and they go above and beyond if you have any concerns or issues.

I've worked at two trusts so far; one acute and one mental health. Acute had its share of bullying issues that I couldn't help but identify and try and assist with resolving. Didn't go quite as I would have liked, but was there for five months, met some amazing people, had an amazing manager in IPC, fantastic Chief Nurse, made a wonderful friend (and I rarely make friends easily!), all of whom I still speak to now. 

I struggled with my own mental health whilst there as never been away from Kelly and the boys before and I don't do well on my own. People make me uncomfortable... itchy... I don't necessarily want them talking to me or engaging with me, but I like to know they are there, somewhere. I'm just not very good with society as a whole but can pretend pretty well nowadays so as to not make others feel uncomfortable. 

So, I had a few wobbles, but all in all had many a wonderful, positive and educational experience. Really miss it and many of the people there. Sadly though, the issues with the bully were never addressed, despite statements from higher-ups saying they don't tolerate bullying. She is still there, without consequence or conscience.

The next job was a mental health trust. Never worked in the service before, but with a little personal, family experience about how it works and the services provided, was excited about learning new skills and seeing how infection control worked in actuality in mental health, what the challenges where and how I could adapt myself. 

Friendly team, such lovely admin support and really made to feel welcome. Took a bit of getting used to; new place, staying in hotels from week to week (the previous job I had stayed on-site in residences), lots of traveling (though didn't mind that at all) and new responsibilities to get my head around. But, all in all, excited once again. 

IPC is very different in the mental health setting, in so much as the challenges are refocused compared to an acute organisation. Very few actual infections identified, but big issues concerning bare below the elbows (ah, the perennial classic that is BBTE), hand hygiene (an oldy, but a goody) and environmental cleanliness/estates issues.

So, nothing I was particularly worried I would struggle with and was happily getting settled in. I was asked, not long after joining, if I would be interested and willing to take on some additional duties - smoking, clinical supervision, and a few other bits and pieces. I jumped at the chance as they were not subjects I had really ever been involved in previously and like to challenge myself. I said yes and began working on various bits and pieces for them all. 

I had meetings every week with a senior member of staff who was mentoring me after a fashion and would share details as and when I had finished, commenced a project or a section of one.

Then an unusual thing happened. 

I had been there for just over a month and was really struggling one day. I mentioned before, being away from Kelly, living in a hotel room by myself day after day, no one to talk to... it is all alien to me and something I am not particularly comfortable with (remember earlier, I mentioned I like knowing people are there, even if they don't engage me).

I contacted work and said I wouldn't be in that day but would be back tomorrow. I was wished well and that was that. I spent the rest of the day under my cloud and, as can often be the case, came out the other side feeling a little brighter and more positive. 

Sometimes you just need to sit underneath your cloud for a while as a wise, beautiful turtle once told me.

I returned to work the following day and was asked if I was okay and had it been viral. I responded no and tapped my head. That was that, and I carried on with work. 

Later that day, my manager asked to see me for a 'return to work' meeting. 

"This will be informal, David. I'm not even going to take notes."

I sat down and was asked what had been wrong yesterday. She explained she needed to know, but the amount of detail was up to me. I gave the cliff notes about my mental health, struggling to be away from Kelly and the boys, but that I had really just needed yesterday to get my head sorted, speak to Kelly for long periods and just be by myself (the irony is I don't particularly feel comfortable around people and do not wish to have them interact with me, but I was struggling because I was by myself... 😕

I was told if I needed any support or to chat, just to let her know and that, as with all my weekly meetings, they were grateful for my assistance with the many projects they had and happy with my work. I said I appreciated the comments very much and returned to my desk to carry on with whatever it was I was doing at the time.

Now, I need to mention that, when I was offered and started the job, I was informed by my agency that my employers were happy for me to do four long days as opposed to a five-day week in order to facilitate spending a little more time back home on a weekly basis. I was also told that, if necessary, I could work from home every now and then. 

I'm not a fan of working from home as I like to be physically at work, but given my day struggling, I thought I would maybe benefit from a few days with Kelly and the boys and could do aspects of my many projects from there. Only a few days... two would be perfect.

The next day, I wrote an email to my manager to that effect, asking could I take a few days and work from home as I had plenty to be getting on with. I received a response saying it would be discussed later. 

No worries at all.

So, when my manager arrived and called me into her office, I was told this, pretty much verbatim - 

"We can't allow you to have two days off as there is too much to do with the flu campaign."

"But I have two days' annual leave later that week, so how does this make much difference if I do this instead of that?"

"Nope, I can't allow it. And perhaps you should contact your agency and ask to be placed somewhere else."

"Okayyyy. Why? Have I done something wrong?"

"Not at all. We are just concerned about you and think that you would be better off speaking to your agency and asking to be moved somewhere else."

I asked if I could leave the office and return to my work, saddened and a little shocked by the whole conversation. I called Kelly and explained what had happened, saying I wasn't certain what to do with what I had been told. After we spoke, I had a few other sites to visit, so I set off on my travels. 

On the way, I received a call from my agency boss, saying she had received a call from the trust I was working for. I said I would save time and explained it was probably about how concerned they were about me and that my mental health was a problem for them (bear in mind, it was a mental health trust!).

I was told that wasn't it, and it was actually that my manager had called them asking for my contract to be terminated due to underperformance.

I felt like I had been kicked in the balls. I couldn't believe it. I was asked if I knew of underperformance issues and explained that in my weekly meetings I had only ever been told they were grateful for my work, it was good stuff I was producing and to carry on. The individual who had called my agency to terminate my contract had only told them a fortnight before how dynamic she thought I was and that I was a breath of fresh air.

Air that had appeared to now be a little sour.

My agency advised me that they had informed the trust that they actually couldn't terminate my contract, as only the agency could do that. And as they had no reason to, I was fully entitled to return to work.

Now, this created a situation for the trust. They would now know I knew (try saying that fast!) they had gone behind my back and tried to have me sacked, couldn't and would now have to work with me. 

Awkward!

I was asked what I wished to do and said that after removing the knife from my back, I had no intention of going back. 

Same shit, different day. It was all very deja-vu.

I was advised I would have to work 28 days' notice. I advised that I would like to see that minutes from my weekly meetings documenting my declining and 'underperforming' behaviour and would counter-present them with the emails and text messages from only two days ago telling me what a good job I was doing.

I received a phone call later telling me that I could spend my notice at home and would be paid for the 28 days.

What a surprise!

So, that was that and I got to spend a few fantastic weeks with Kelly and my boys, all paid because of underhand behaviour.

I should mention that the individual who had contacted the agency to have me terminated (😏) had, only a few weeks before, informed me that she thought the current lead nurse in the team was underwhelming and not dynamic enough and that she wanted me to usurp her and take the lead... a request I refused to do by just not doing it! That is not how I work and not what I was there for. I been assigned the job to support the lead nurse, not betray her. I probably did myself no favours not doing as I was asked, but wouldn't change my decision for a second. 

I am now into my next IPC role, temporarily, and already it seems a real challenge and a team full of people only there to do the job, not spend time trying to fuck other colleagues over. I really feel like I'm going to love it.

I miss my first opportunity in Homerton Hospital, I really do. I miss my friend, Sarah, terribly, miss the manager in IPC, miss the vascular access team and even miss one of the two IPC nurses, the one who wasn't the bully but 'Easily Led', named a few posts ago.

I miss the variation of my second position in The Black Country, miss Tiffeny and Patrice, miss Katy and Lorraine, who taught me a great deal. 

But most of all, I miss my innocence in believing people are good and decent. I know so many are and witness this daily, from fellow authors, colleagues, and members of the public. But when it comes to bullying in the NHS and particularly the treatment of staff with mental health problems, I continue to see such terrible attitudes, ignorance, and tolerance of these behaviours.

So, I'll keep raising those issues until we, as a society, see a real change in how we treat others and, more importantly, how we care for ourselves to prevent our responses becoming incongruent to what we know is right. 

Let me tell you an analogous story.

A David McCaffrey lookalike once worked fora small team in a huge organisation. The team consisted of five individuals andone overarching ruler. This ruler was not around much, personal circumstancesnot permitting, so one of the team members was carrying out a duel role of bossand interim overarching ruler (let’s call this person Romilly, which means ‘God’sbeloved one’ if you’re interested!).
Two of the team members didnot like Romilly very much; often stating that their feelings werenot personal but purely business-related. It was, however, clear that a certain amountof the animosity that existed was absolutely personal. Romilly had made decisions thatthey felt should have been discussed with them, objectives were pursued thatthey felt they should have had a say in… the usual story. They were included asand where appropriate, but as you know, not every decision is required to becleared with us underlings.

One of these team memberswas lovely but easily influenced by the other. The other was capable ofmoments of absolutely kindest and humility, but was, in essence, a bully.

A bully that bullied upward…towards Romilly.

Upward bullying is somethingthat doesn’t quite have the same level of inclusion when the issue is raised. Indeed,it is often perceived that a less senior employee will usually have more support from their employer for onereason or another (for example, avoiding risk from an organisational point ofview) than a manager may receive.

So, what can cause upwardbullying to occur?

It can be for a number of reasons,such as organisations going through periods of rapid change and driven byvolatility, instability, growth or expansion, disgruntled employees upset aboutchange can react by blaming their manager and respond by bullying them,especially if staff feel ‘left out of the loop’ or ‘in the dark’ when changesoccur, inadequate frameworks, systems, and processes across the human resourcefunction… or simply because they do not like a person.

Certainly,in the case above, it was a matter of not liking the person who was now theboss coupled with the fact there had been a number of structural changes and theintroduction of someone that looked like me!

Fromday one, my lookalike was not entirely made to feel welcome by one of the two (‘EasilyLed’ was always lovely), though they did form a bond over very similar intereststhat, at the time, seemed to have broken the proverbial ice.

Yetthe upward bullying continued, despite friendly conversations with thiscolleague about their behaviour. Being old fashioned, my lookalike believed thatyou should have respect for your boss, certainly if you are a subordinate.  

Upwardbullying of Romilly had the effect of causing her to lose confidence in her own abilities, feel less satisfied in her job andpotentially undermined the achievement of business objectives. Other scenarios involvingthe bully included a failure to comply with rules, failure to meet deadlinesand attend meetings on time, always being late when Romilly wasn’t at work, a disrespectfulattitude in public and in meetings to undermine Romilly’s authority in front ofothers and increasing the incidence of gossip and ‘chatter’ that occurred amongststaff. All of this allowed the bully to make unrealistic demands and dictateunrealistic expectations.

The apotheosis of this situation was that the individual in questionfelt they had a sense of entitlement because they were best friends with the ‘currentlyabsent’ overarching ruler and had been working there for a long time. They resentedbeing managed; despite identified performance issues, and would always respondto suggested changes with “we’ve always done it this way”. All of this destabilisedthe workplace harmony with the sole intention of blocking any change that wouldforce them to lift their game. There is no doubt that this individual washighly knowledgeable in their field of ‘deep-sea diving’, but they used this asa weapon of superiority.

The aforementioned inappropriate relationship with the ‘currently absent’overarching ruler meant that none of the above was addressed nor even acknowledged.Even when the ‘currently absent’ ruler had been present in meetings and some ofthese behaviours had taken place, there was nothing said or done. Yet when the ‘currentlyabsent’ ruler wasn’t present, a capricious and cruel series of behaviours weredisplayed towards Romilly, behaviours at odds with everything we know to be professional. 

If you were to use a psychological slant to address the aforementioned,you may conclude that the bully had narcissistic traits, low self-reflectionand high self-esteem, (not low, as sometimes assumed) and the confidence totake on someone with greater formal power.

Ultimately, these behaviours were addressed formally, with a short but apparentlysincere attempt to acknowledge their part in things (gifts were even given tooffer thanks for their efforts), but it didn’t last and things came to a headover a completely innocuous subject that was related to a topic so far removedfrom being personal, you would have to hear it to believe it.

So, in order to take the heat off their aggressive behaviour, the bully resortedto embark on a grievance process that shifted the focus of any scrutiny awayfrom themselves and onto Romilly and a colleague.

So, what happened to this bully?

Absolutely nothing.

Because this organisation doesn’t address bullying.They feel that knowledge and experience are an acceptable substitute forunprofessional and malicious behaviour, which is why these situations continue ad nauseam.

Colleagues will leave; others will come in and facethe same situation… maybe not immediately, but eventually. A bully cannot hidetheir behaviour forever. They can temper it, but their true nature will alwaysbe revealed.

Of course, in this situation, the ‘currently absent’overarching ruler is complicit in the bullying, as they are unwilling to doanything about it and constantly offer the bully their support. They refused tosee anything negative about their behaviour. That is perhaps the scariest thing.But what is it they say? ‘It’s not what you know, but who you know.’

Others would try to help and offer support to Romillybut to little avail, as the forces of darkness are a resource that does notserve humans but its own, self-serving agenda. Romilly, incidentally, was anexcellent boss; trying to make changes in a world where changes are anthemia toothers. She was considerate, knowledgeable, kind, compassionate and really wantedto make a difference in her occupation and in the forum she worked in. But shewas always being forced to ice-skate uphill, never being offered a hand if itlooked as though she was going to fall.

So, it is left to us to raise the profile ofbullying, in all its forms. We can continue to work on stamping it out in theworkplace, in schools, the NHS… anywhere it occurs. It will require patience, constanteducation and support, but it can be done.

Maybe then we live in a world and our children livein a world, where bullying is the exception, not the rule.

At my appointment a few weeks ago, I was asked if I could describe what being happy felt like.

I told the CPN I couldn’t, as I didn’t actually know.

I explained that Turtle, Gruffy, Jakey, Coley, and Obi were a definition of happiness, but that I couldn’t say how I was made to feel about being with them, only that it felt right. I feel love, profound, deep, soul resonating love for Kelly; she is my sun, moon, and stars and until the day I die, there is nowhere I wish to be other than beside and with her. Kelly makes me a better man, simply by default. My beautiful boys make me proud every, single day and are my legacy of something I will have done right in my life. I try to give them the attention, support, guidance, and love that I never had from my father.  
So, my family around me, feels that it is the way life should be, but does it stir anything in me emotionally? 

That, I know, should make me feel sad, but it makes me feel nothing other than correctness. Maybe that is what happiness is? After all, who’s to say what it is or is not – everyone would define it differently, so maybe my impression of content is happiness for me. I know there is nowhere else I would rather be, ever, so perhaps that is enough. But my most recent appointment made me think a lot about my mental health, what may or may not have led me to the place I now find myself and about the profound impact my experience in the hospital had on me.
I still spend hours ruminating over what happened and how the people I thought were friends and cared about me could do what they did. From buying me little Star Wars gifts for my birthday, because they knew me so well, to thanking me for checking in on them when they were ill or having surgery, to sharing baby items between us for our respective partners and daughters, to having personal details shared with me by my manager on a weekend shift because she trusted me enough to be so honest… to be so proud and humbled that I was a small part of the bigger picture that they presented to the organisation… I felt correctness then, too. Not in a sense it was bigger than my sense for my family, but that it was the one, other thing in my life that felt as it should… it felt right.

Kelly knew this, as she felt similarly about her place of work. Kelly was and is a fantastic nurse. I know I would say that, but honestly, I never heard a bad word about her even before we met and never have I met someone so diligent at their job and attentive to detail. Yet, she got the shaft to by the same organisation. Same dance, different tune. Colleagues she genuinely thought were friends told lies, just because they were offended that she would go into work when feeling unwell, and they would not. Kelly would never judge nor comment; like me, she has a solid work ethic, and you go into work unless you are physically unable or have the dreaded sickness and diarrhoea! But you never consider that someone else has not with the same symptoms. You just get on with it and think nothing else about it.

But those people; Kelly’s colleagues and mine, take umbrage at this fact, because, to them, you are making them look bad. You aren’t doing it deliberately, nor does it even factor as an issue to you. But, to them, because you carry on and they decide they don’t feel up to it, they believe that you are showing them up.

Prime example – following several staff leaving the team to join pastures new, we were left short. Four nurses, and me, with a newly introduced 7-day service. Now, as mentioned in a previous blog piece (I see Bullied People; They Don’t Know They’re Being Bullied Part 2), one team member was made exempt from altering their hours and working as part of the 7-day service, much to the chagrin of other colleagues. One, in particular, made sure everyone knew how upset and annoyed she was about it. Of course, when it came time to remove me from my post, it was me who had complained and them who were the voice of reason when I was ‘kicking off’ as they put it.

But, I digress. So, short-staffed and still have a seven-day service to cover. All staff asked during a meeting; no one volunteers. Don’t blame them. Who wishes to work more hours for minimal reward? It had gone from working one weekend day every eight/nine weeks to suggesting they work a day every two weeks.

Being the lead nurse, I offered to do it on-call, as I didn’t mind taking calls while at home on the weekend. To be fair, I rarely actually received any. But, someone had to do it. I would have never forced anyone and felt it was my responsibility to make sure it continued.

One of my colleagues didn’t like that (the same one who started the whole sorry mess). She frequently told me that I was making them all look bad and why did I have to offer to do it? What was I supposed to do? The old double-edged sword scenario. 

Do it; a friend and colleague are offended. Don’t do it and I look like someone who doesn’t care about his job. 

But then, them not wishing to do it doesn’t mean they don’t care either; they were amongst some of the best nurses I had ever had the pleasure to know and work with, and they had a valid point that the organisation had no contingency for such a situation.

So, just like in Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan, I was in a Kobayashi Maru situation – the no-win scenario. 

Needless to say, my actions were twisted slightly by my manager and others who would say I always made out I was better than them.

But, despite that and everything else (and of course, my colleagues who stood by me are not a part of this musing, aside from the fact that they stood by me!), I still miss being with them and having them in my life. Losing them in the manner I did left a hole in me that I have never been able to fill.

This is separate from Kelly, the boys, my Mum, Alan, my Auntie Angela and Uncle Michael, my family… work was such a part of my life; nursing and infection control was such a part of my life as they are for so many (well, the nursing part; most nurses roll their eyes at the mention of IPC!) that, when it was gone, I didn’t know how to fill it.

I still feel humiliated that I didn’t realise how much dislike they ultimately had for me. I still want to slice away at parts of my body so that I look as disfigured on the outside as I feel on the inside. I still consider walking until my hat floats and feel shame that I could even consider leaving my beautiful Turtle and boys.

And it is all because of bullying.

I have always acknowledged the part my former manager played in helping me when I first realised I was unwell. She saved me in so many ways. Kelly loved me, cared for me, guided me and caressed my soul at the beginning and every day since, but my boss got me to accept something I refused to see. That I had a problem.
The loss and lies of those people still hurt as much as it did on 16th December 2016. I cannot imagine it ever going, though time does accommodate. Still, I lost my brother last year, and in some ways, that whole experience hurt more. Maybe because John didn’t have a choice in what happened; it was just one of those things. They had a choice and chose the path they did. Kelly’s colleagues did the same. They later recanted their lies, and the whole issue was dropped, but the damage had been done to my beautiful Turtle and now the very thought of bumping into someone from work or even going back makes her have terrible anxiety attacks, and she becomes upset. 
No one asks about her. No one bothers. No matron who was in charge of that area, no manager, no former friend. 

None of them knows about Cole. Not her former colleagues and not the majority of mine. To them, he doesn’t exist.

Yet we so wished we could have shared his being in the world with them.

That is perhaps the saddest part of all. 

The first part in this short series was my sharing the story of an individual called 'Diane' who I once worked with and who ended up socialising, not only with the individuals who were responsible for my termination from nursing, but who also made a point of bullying her behind her back. The sad truth is that she never suspected or knew. I could never tell her, as it would have seemed like sour grapes given my own situation.

The second example concerns 'Vicky'. I mentioned in the previous post that Vicky and I, though we didn't have a great relationship, it was a professional one. I always got the impression that she didn't think very highly of me; I ended up in a position she once occupied, had very different views on how to take our role forward and disagreed with a number of my decisions. And, as I have mentioned before, I was given my position and never had to interview for it. I never considered it at the time, but in hindsight, it must have been a huge kick in the teeth for nurses with more experience and longer qualified than I. I never actually wanted the position, but could never get out of it as no one else wanted it either!

But I had so much respect for Vicky. She was a fascinating person, had lived an amazing life and was the most knowledgable of nurses. I learned so much from her during her time there and missed her when she left. She provided a stabilising influence and motherly quality that was unique to her and her alone.

Vicky, I was led to believe by former colleagues in their statements, was also greatly responsible for the false accusations levied at me. I never heard it from her personally, nor saw anything in writing, but others all stated that she had said things against me to support their, eventually debunked and proven to be lies, accusations of bullying.

But once again, there is a huge, sad sense of irony about her 'alleged' claims of bullying towards me. Though we spoke often and never did Vicky once say anything to me that was remotely negative, even replying to an email I sent before she left, wishing me the best of luck for the future, I was told after my suspension that she had left solely because of me.

This is a nurse with over 40 years of experience, who had lived through some of the most troubled times in British history and seen nursing changed multiple times during the course of her career, yet she gave it all up, allegedly, because of me and never told a soul why. In her exit interview, there was no mention of me; discussion of health reasons and retirement plans, but nothing about anyone at work. Then, more than six months later, it is all because of me and, as I was told, was not mentioned as she could be bothered with the hassle.

In the time between Vicky leaving and my suspension, many colleagues complained about her. They complained vocally about why she had been allowed to work her original hours and not move to the modified ones that better suited the service. They complained vocally about why she didn't have to work weekends on-call when they were expected to. They complained when I suggested we wait on a morning for handover so we were all present, their complaint being in would push everything else they had to planned backward. Two individuals complained about her using sickness during her planned retirement as an excuse for more money.

Yet, these very individuals, are individuals that I am aware Vicky still socialises with. Why? Because she never knew about their behaviour - bullying behaviour - in her absence and when she was not present. And I never told her.

As with Diane, I never knew how to go about it, as it would have been 'telling tales' or, after my suspension, the aforementioned sour grapes. I was supposed to lead, support and encourage, so causing discontent amongst others was something I actively avoided. I did address concerns regarding the bullying of a colleague previously, speaking to many individuals in turn and, ultimately, raising my concerns to the bully themselves. I long ago accepted I didn't do enough. Having done more would have perhaps stopped others from suffering in my absence.

I have always felt that, inadvertently, I became a bystander in relation to the bullying of others. Aware that colleagues were being abusive and critical towards another, yet not addressing it when I should have. Ultimately, I resolved to no longer be a 'bystander' and raised my concerns to a senior member of staff... and, well, if you have read previous blog entries, you know what happened next.

And, just like Diane, I have always felt guilty about it. Knowing that people you once knew are still communicating with those who were betraying them behind their backs is the worst feeling. Saying anything now would be redundant. I would never be believed. Because that is what bullies do in order to convince others they are not.

They claim solidarity towards the very individuals they have, behind their backs and closed doors, been criticising, humiliating and bullying. Whilst calling them in secret, they then support them in public, ensuring that misdirection is fully implemented and thereby ensuring the focus is shifted, not to their actual harassers, but towards another who couldn't be further from a bully.

A perfect human being? Absolutely not.

I have admitted before to making many mistakes, both consciously and, due to my mental health problems, unconsciously. but accepting of responsibility for them all, I 100% am.

Yet individuals such as Vicky will continue to go through life, not realising that the very people who bullied them behind their backs are the very ones they call friends.

A heartbreaking truth that will be replicated in many organisations, many work environments, around the world.

"I have met the enemy and they are us."

The bullying nurse will never give thought to being kinder. But we can promise that we will focus on helping those who suffer whilst caring for others.

In the end, it is all we can do but I believe that it will ultimately lead to the actualisation of that most precious of motivations for a nurse.

That of doing no harm.