JohnA Passaro's Blog

A little more than a month ago life had finally kicked my ass.

Pardon my language, but there is no other way of describing it.

I have faced many challenges in life, yet I have always managed to turn them into something positive. I was always capable of transforming trauma into gratitude and fear into belief.

I took great pride in performing this difficult alchemy.

It is who I believe I am.

Until it wasn’t.

I needed to correct that.

I could feel it happening. I could hear it in the words I was talking, both out loud and to myself. Fear was winning every outcome over belief, and doubt was doing the same to hope. And I couldn’t generate gratitude for anything.

Over and over and over again.

I was aware of life storming my mental moat. I didn’t put up enough fight to stop it from happening.

Before I could realize it, life penetrated my outlook on life and destroyed my gratitude and belief system, and replaced it with fear and doubt.

And it bothered me to the core.

I allowed life to rob me of what I consider to be my most valuable asset – my outlook on life.

I needed to realign.

Around the same time, while browsing YouTube, I kept coming across clips of the “NBA on TNT” sign-off moments.

I never once watched the show, but I do know “a feeling” when I get one.

The feeling said:

Look further into Ernie Johnson.

So, I listened to the clips and watched the videos, and researched Ernie Johnson further.

After a few minutes in the Ernie Johnson rabbit hole, I came across the book he had written, called “Unscripted.”

If you’re like me and feel the need to realign your beliefs back into harmony with your soul, read this book. It helps you maintain the ability to see something to be thankful for in every circumstance.

Unscripted

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Be the Fruit – It’s not what they Intended to do.

________

Every block of stone

Has a statue inside it.

It is the task of the sculptor

To discover it.

Michelangelo

________

“I am running to Trader Joe’s to pick up some fruit,” I say to my wife as I pick up my keys and head toward the door.

“Why are you going all the way over there for fruit? We have a fruit store right down the road?” she asks.

“Something is telling me to go to Trader Joe’s.”

I let her know.

She knows me well enough by now not to ask any more questions as she knows that I don’t have the answers just yet.

As I walk into Trader Joe’s, I notice him.

It isn’t the first time I’ve ever seen a person begging on the street, yet this time the age of the young boy doing the begging, strikes me in the heart.

I’m sure it has to do with the rash of overdoses and deaths of young lives I’ve seen over the last year.

Good kids, athletes, kids I would have bet my life on that would have gone on to do good things in this world and would’ve been an asset to any community, just suddenly and tragically gone.

How did this young boy get to this point, I wonder?

I thought about giving the young boy money on the way out, something that would give him a little enthusiasm, to provide a spark for a new start and put him on a path for a better life.

I was thinking $5, $10, or maybe even $20. God knows I’ve spent more on much less important things in my life.

As I am thinking of doing my good deed for the day I eavesdrop on a conversation between two patrons.

One patron says to the other,

“Let’s give him something on the way out; he is so young.”

And the other replies,

“Why? So he can go buy heroin with it?”

And just as he finishes his sentence, he taps the Trader Joe manager who happened to be walking by and says,

“Do you know there is a heroin addict outside your store harassing customers?”

I decided to buy the young boy some food instead of giving him money.

I pick up some oranges, some bananas, some

Cliff bars and some iced tea for him.

At the register, I tell the cashier to pack the items in a separate bag.

The cashier obliges and says, “That will be $48.2.4”

As I reach into my pocket to make a payment,t I realize all I have on me is a $20 bill, as I must have left my debit card at home.

I didn’t have enough to pay for both bags.

The cashier, noticing my embarrassment, asks,

“Would you like me to put one bag back?”

“Unfortunately, I have to,” I say.

I hand the cashier my lone $20 bill, and she hands me my one bag.

As I walk out of the story,e I give the bag to the young boy, and I go home empty-handed.

In Holly Rutter’s podcast on ‘The Moth, ’ she tells a story of her first online grocery shopping experience.

She describes how she once put an apple in her online cart to reserve a delivery time with the intention of coming back to her cart later in the evening to make her real order.

To her dismay, she got sidetracked, and it wound up that she got back to her cart after the deadline for her to be able to make changes to her order.

Thus, her final order was for a .40 cent apple.

It would be delivered to her in the morning.

For a $6 delivery charge.

When she realized her dilemma, she attempted to call customer service.

There was no answer, of course, as it was after midnight.

She then emailed customer service, hoping that they would receive her email before the lone apple was put on the delivery truck.

They did not.

The next morning, she looks out her window, and she sees the delivery person pull up in front of her house and take off the truck a single apple.

She is mortified.

“Clearly, this is a mistake. Yes?” the delivery person says as he hands her the apple.

Embarrassed, she tries to explain that this wasn’t supposed to happen.

The delivery person quips,

“I was saying to myself, who in their right mind pays $6 delivery for a .40 cent apple.

It made no sense.”

He recommends that she call customer service and explain her situation; he is sure that, as a courtesy, they will undue the delivery charge.

They do not.

“What if everyone called to get their delivery charges refunded? We couldn’t possibly do that for everyone,” the cold, hardass customer service rep replied.

When all was said and done, and the transaction was complete, Holly paid a high price for a single apple.

But the online grocer paid an even higher price; they lost a customer for life.

Wouldn’t it be nice if in life we were able to call customer service and get a compassionate person on the line whenever we have made a mistake?

It makes a world of difference.

“Obviously, this wasn’t your intention.

I know it was a mistake, as no one in their right mind buys a .40 cent apple and has it delivered for $6. I’ll help you out…”

That was possible.

We need to be that possibility.

We need to be the person we would hope to get on the other end of the phone if we put a single apple in our cart.

Nobody knows someone else’s life and what causes someone to become an addict.

The best definition of addiction I ever heard came from Dr. Gabor Mate’ when he said, “Addiction is trading short pleasure for long-term pain because of an inability to solve a problem caused by trauma in one’s life.”

We think we know people.

In David Foster Wallace’s infamous commencement speech, “This is Water,” he says,

“A huge percentage of the stuff that I tend to be automatically certain of is, it turns out, totally wrong and deluded. I have learned this the hard way, as I predict you graduates will, too.”

He goes on to describe the mundane and annoying process of checking out at a grocery store,

“You can choose to look different at this fat, dead-eyed over over-made-up up lady who just screamed at her kid in the checkout line. Maybe she is not usually like this. Maybe she’s been up three straight nights holding the hand of her husband, who is dying of bone cancer.

Of course, none of this is likely, but it is also not impossible.

It just depends on what you want to consider.

To really learn how to think, how to pay attention, that is real education.

You get to decide what has meaning and what doesn’t.

If you’re automatically sure that you know what reality is, and you are operating on your default setting, then you, like me, probably won’t consider possibilities that aren’t annoying and miserable. But if you really learn how to pay attention, then you will know there are other options. “

Maybe the young boy begging outside Trader Joe’s had such a traumatic life experience out of his control, which caused him to put a single apple in his cart, get distracted, and get back to it passed the point where he could make changes.

No one in their right mind would make the transaction he has made – it has to be a mistake.

Maybe he reached out for help, and no one was available.

I’ve seen one too many young souls lose their lives to addiction.

They change and become unrecognizable.

Look past the changes and keep in your heart the person you know is in there.

Michelangelo said,

“Every block of stone has a statue inside it.

It is the task of the sculptor to discover it.”

Even after they change, we need to see the person we know they are, not the one taken over by the addiction.

If we don’t, they will ultimately die.

When you see a young person who put a single apple in their cart and got back to it after they could make changes and are about to pay a stiff price for their mistake, let us be the compassionate customer service rep that takes care of it.

It’s not what they intended to do.

Nobody in their right mind would make that transaction.

We all know that the accumulation of small straws breaks the camel’s back.

So then, it makes sense that a small act of kindness is like taking a straw off of a person’s back.

When we have the opportunity to take a straw away from someone’s back, we must.

You never know which straw will make the difference.

But I do know that one straw will.

You may not realize it at the time, but the straw that you take off someone’s back just may be THE straw that makes a difference.

Take a straw away today.

When you have the opportunity to take the $6 delivery charge away, do so.

Who knows, you may just keep a customer for life.

As I got back home from Trader Joe’s and I walked through the door empty-handed, my wife asked me,

“John, did you get the fruit you went there for?”

And I replied,

“I was mistaken.

I didn’t need to get fruit,

I needed to be the fruit.”

________

John Passaro

Strange Angels

Family First

________

I believe in magnifying words.

Wise words that are worth hearing.

Worth spreading.

Worth living.

After watching Flo Wrestling’s Brent Metcalf Documentary, I took out my magnifying glass and wrote this a few years back.

There is a scene in the documentary when freshman Brent Metcalf, who was at Virginia Tech for only a few weeks, received a phone call from his father saying,

“Hey Brent, the police showed up. Your brother died last night.”

Imagine getting that call.

Brent Metcalf expands on what immediately went through his mind when he got that call,

“At that moment in time, it wasn’t like I was surprised.

It wasn’t like how could this happen, you know?

I just remember, as soon as I got the call, I said,

Of course, he did.

Of course, he’s dead.

Of course, he’s dead.”

If you are wondering why Brent Metcalf would respond that way after learning his brother had just died, well, as he explains, there is a lot of context behind his reaction.

It is in that context and in Brent’s advice to all who may currently be struggling through something similar in their lives where I believe the wise words worth magnifying reside.

To understand the context behind Brent’s reaction, I believe the wording of Mr. Metcalf’s message to his son is very important.

“The police showed up.”

Of course, I don’t know this for sure, but in those words reside an invisible, tragic world that so many families all over America are currently experiencing.

To me, it was as if the Metcalf family’s biggest fear was expecting the Police to show up one day regarding their son Chase.

For Chase had gone off course.

And they knew it.

But deep down, they knew they alone could do nothing to stop it.

It would be up to Chase.

If you ask any wrestler what he loves about this great sport, I’ll bet you will get a version of this answer:

“I love the fact that it is up to me; what I put in will be what I get out.”

I give Brent Metcalf an infinite amount of credit by talking candidly about what happened to his brother. So many times when we read about the passing of a young athlete, everything is so vague. Almost like telling you to read between the lines, not wanting to taint the life of the young athlete who has passed.

I didn’t know Chase.

What I do know was Chase was Brent’s brother and his parents’ son.

And they were a family.

That’s all I need to know.

We all have siblings or sons, and we all are part of the wrestling community.

We all are family.

And family comes first.

____

According to Brent, his brother Chase was a much better wrestler than he was. Chase was a 2x Michigan State Champion and an undefeated Senior Nationals champion.

Brent explains,

“For whatever reason, his senior year he just rebelled against the idea that alcohol, drugs and the like, were bad things for your body.

When it came to graduating, when push came to shove, he went this way, and I went that way.”

On September 8th, 200,5 Chase Metcalf died in a fiery crash caused by a drunk driving accident.

Wrestling is life.

There is a substance abuse problem in life right now.

There is a substance abuse problem in wrestling right now.

For whatever reason, more and more people are rebelling against the idea that alcohol, drugs, and the like are bad things for your body.

Wrestling is life.

The wrestling community is a family.

We take care of one another.

That is why I am asking if you see someone who is off course to put your arm round them and coax them back.

Because “off course” leads to “of course.”

And we can’t afford to lose not even one more member of our family.

And if you are the one who feels an arm around you, come on back. We need you.

Wrestling is a tight-knit community. Wrestlers consider themselves part of a fraternity. We consider each other family.

Family takes care of one another.

If you have a person who has gone off course, here is the good news.

They are still here.

They may be sitting on the couch next to you.

They may be part of a team you are on or practicing on the same mat as you.

They may seem successful, they may even be highly successful, and you may even think they have it all under control.

They don’t.

Or, one day, they won’t.

When will it happen?

Those lines get blurred, but it will happen.

Put your arm around them today and coax them back before it does happen.

They are going to tell you they have their life under control.

Wrestlers are stubborn people; they never like to admit weakness or defeat, and asking for help is like losing, admitting weakness and defeat.

Put your arm around them and coax them back.

Love them.

I always respected Brent Metcalf, but after viewing Flo’s Documentary, I respect him even more, if that was even possible.

You ask any wrestler what he loves about wrestling, and you will get the same answer. My success is up to me; what I put into it is what I get out of it.

The same is true in life when dealing with a person who has gone off course.

You know it is ultimately up to them; they have got to be the ones who put the work in.

It is a hard place to be in – when you have done all you can do and you realize it is now up to the person to do the work to come back.

When you are in this spot, just remember what your role is now, just don’t make it worse, make it easy for them to come back, do this by putting your arm round them and coaxing them back. You may not like the way they are living, what they are doing, who they are associating with, it will be easy to rip into them to yell and scream at them, it won’t work it will drive them further away and in a perverse twist they will use your actions as an excuse to go further away. No one can ever use being loved as an excuse to go further away.

When you want to wring their neck, put your arm around them instead.

When you see something and want to say this what are you doing say this is not what you believe in?

This is not you.

You’re better than this.

Put your arm around them instead and coax them back.

One day, while on Facebook, I noticed something going around: a post on how many days former wrestlers have been sober.

15 years, 10 years, 12 years

There is hope.

People do change.

It is hard, but hey, there is nothing a wrestler can’t do.

It is a detail of the story that is interesting, and we will never know. just have to put that out there…

There was a pivotal point when Tom Brands said to Metcalf that his brother could come to Virginia Tech with him.

Metcalf tells his brother and says to him,

“I want you there with me, but you’re going to put down the drugs, you’re going to put down the alcohol, we’re doing this clean, and we are going to do this together. We will take the world by storm.”

His brother thought about it for a while and decided not to go with Brent to Virginia Tech.

Metcalf tilts his head to the side and starts to wonder: “What if he did?”

I know that environment would have been the best thing for him. If he would have ever went.

The way I would have handled it now is I would put my arm around him and say, “Hey man, let’s do this together.”

What you might do with an athlete that is struggling, have him move in with you and say, Let’s do this together. Not hold their hand, but say, hey…

If you’re in that situation and you punish them and say you’re wrong, wrong, wrong… they’re going to go the other way.

I know if you lead that life, if you continue to play with that fire, it’s going to burn ya.

The best way, I think, to help kids, especially one like my brother, would have been to give him love. Give them love and then kind of coax them into the light.

______

Family first.

We live in such a fascinatingly unbelievable world.

The opportunities that are available for us are just amazing.

The other day I was amazed that I was driving a car over a bridge.

Just think of that.

Think of the tremendous amount of work from previous generations that has allowed us to benefit from driving a vehicle over a chasm of water.

For only $12.50.

Most people would whine about the $12.50, but I was happy to pay it.

For only $12.50 I could take myself and 4 other people over a mile of water in less than a minute.

I was amazed by that – until my cell phone rang and I could talk to someone (hands-free of course) 400 miles away while doing so.

During the conversation – there was a question that needed answering so on the spot I pressed a button, asked my phone the question, and got an immediate detailed answer.

Amazing.

Until at the end of the conversation, the person mentioned that they saw a video that I had posted and mentioned that they shared it with someone else through a text message.

Zoom through the air.

Absolutely amazing until I got to my destination and checked on the analytics of that video and realized that it was seen in 40 different countries – some of which I did not know existed.

Absolutely amazing.

Makes you appreciate what we have and what can be done and be very thankful for what others have done before us to give us this opportunity.

Be Amazed every day.

No man is an island.

And no man has to stay on an island due to the man who came before him.

I wonder what my contribution to mankind will be?

When the enemy attacks and the people you love are caught behind enemy lines –Always go back and rescue them.

I have always been an overly ambitious person.

Throughout my lifetime, I can always remember being on a mission to be successful.

Always wanting more, attempting to achieve more.

The Universe had other plans.

Through adversity, the Universe has shifted my ambitions, rather abruptly, from wanting to be successful to seeking happiness.

Success is outside approval.

Happiness is inside approval.

Nobody knows your life, your circumstances, or your pain; only you do.

Seeking happiness over success is not normal, easy, or simple.

To quote Olivia Pope, “I don’t want normal and easy and simple. I’m not built for it. I want painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, and extraordinary.”

And that is what I have.

A painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, and extraordinary life.

And somehow, I am happy.

As Michelangelo famously said, “Every block of clay has a sculpture in it.”

It takes time, effort, and focus, but you have one question to answer for yourself,

Do you want to have a lump of clay, or do you see something else?

The artist sees the sculpture and not the clay.

When you sculpt the life and circumstances that you have and create art, to me, that is precisely when success and happiness become one and the same.

This is one of my favorite photos of all time.

The best LLWS game I have ever witnessed was in 2002 when Zach Osborne and Walker Kelly BOTH had no-hitters through 6 innings and combined for 40 strikeouts between them – they each went 9 innings.

Louisville wound up winning 2-1 in 11 innings.

Great Lakes beat Southwest.

The highlight of the week was walking past a Great Lakes practice in the morning, and an errant throw by their shortstop sent a ball flying over the 1B’s head.

Jess retrieved the ball and returned it to a Great Lakes player running toward her, made eye contact with her, took the ball out of her outstretched hand, and said: – “Thank you very much.” – that player was Zach Osborne.

Jess talked me into buying a Great Lakes shirt minutes later.

I am very grateful to have come across this snapshot of happiness today.

What are you willing to fight for?

Sure winning is fun.

But only winning is not the point.

Wanting to win – is the point.

Not giving up and never giving in – is the point.

Never letting up – is the point.

Never being satisfied with what you have done in the past – is the point.

Constantly striving to become the best that you could be – is the point.

To lose and learn, en route to becoming excellent – is the point.

Because it is not winning that counts.

What counts is the yearning to win that catapults one into action – to prepare to win.

That’s what makes a true athletic champion.

That is only half of the point.

To take the qualities you learned while pursuing athletic greatness and transfer them into becoming a life champion…

Is the point.

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Read the 1st Chapter of “6 Minutes Wrestling with Life”

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Related Posts:

Be Incapable of Discouragement

The Pursuit

Scold, Then Mold

The Reward That You Seek

You Must Beat ALL of Your Opponents

Greatness vs. Greatness Arrived

Get Involved In “Project Awakenings”

Have I done enough?

Have I done enough for me to look back at my life over the past few years and be proud about how far I’ve come?

The concept of enough – doesn’t exist.

You see because if one does enough then one need not do more.

Enough isn’t enough at all.

There is one fundamental truth.

That enough is nothing.

And that arriving at this realization is everything.

Nekabari Goka

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