Heath Sommer's Blog - Posts Tagged "altruism"
an old conundrum, revisited
Over the course of the years a number of patients have asked “how do you do it? I don’t see how you [therapists] can do this stuff day in and day out. It’s a great question, and one that is actually relevant to all people. Parents, how many of your children’s requests do you respond to before you finally just start ignoring? Employees, how many extra minutes do you work unnoticed before you stop caring that “it just has to be done?” Teachers, how many more students do you tutor after hours before you give up on feeling you must save another displaced student in a fledgling educational system? It’s like a friend once said, “I often think to myself as I hold the door for someone, and to my surprise I am stuck holding the door for an endless flow of incoming people; I think to myself, on which person do I discontinue holding open the door?”
It’s a struggle I have every day, if I am being honest. There is just no end to the number of patients who need help, and I genuinely care about all of them. Every last one is a father, mother, sister, brother, son, daughter, and human being. But letting go is really important. To answer the metaphorical question “how many people will let you hold the door open for them” I answer, “Much more than any one person can handle!” We simply all have needs, and because of that the demand for things to do is infinite and thus beyond anyone’s control. I guess what I am saying is that balance is important. It’s important for the mother or father who shouldn’t have to hold their bathroom needs until naptime. It’s important for the employees who should be able to get home by 5:30 instead of six every night. It’s important for the teacher who is already paying back his or her social debt by becoming a teacher and shouldn’t therefore have to forfeit his or her own life to fill the deficits of others. And it is important for the therapist who may have skills to save others, but shouldn’t have to lose himself or herself in the process. Of course I am not against charity. That is a healthy part of life, and we should all seek to employ it. I am just saying that even charity can become an unhealthy obsession at some point, if it impinges on other virtuous issues (like family connection, for example?). Now, easy to say, but the next step is to let my fingers off of the handle. Maybe after just a few more people enter in …
It’s a struggle I have every day, if I am being honest. There is just no end to the number of patients who need help, and I genuinely care about all of them. Every last one is a father, mother, sister, brother, son, daughter, and human being. But letting go is really important. To answer the metaphorical question “how many people will let you hold the door open for them” I answer, “Much more than any one person can handle!” We simply all have needs, and because of that the demand for things to do is infinite and thus beyond anyone’s control. I guess what I am saying is that balance is important. It’s important for the mother or father who shouldn’t have to hold their bathroom needs until naptime. It’s important for the employees who should be able to get home by 5:30 instead of six every night. It’s important for the teacher who is already paying back his or her social debt by becoming a teacher and shouldn’t therefore have to forfeit his or her own life to fill the deficits of others. And it is important for the therapist who may have skills to save others, but shouldn’t have to lose himself or herself in the process. Of course I am not against charity. That is a healthy part of life, and we should all seek to employ it. I am just saying that even charity can become an unhealthy obsession at some point, if it impinges on other virtuous issues (like family connection, for example?). Now, easy to say, but the next step is to let my fingers off of the handle. Maybe after just a few more people enter in …
